The Cleveland Show 1x12

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Coach Cleveland comes to the rescue of frustrated parents by taking a group of delinquent teens under his wing. With the help of Cleveland Jr., he creates a new club dubbed "The Crazy Eights," and hopes that it will keep the kids on the straight and narrow. However, he is soon mixed up in bad business, and only the "Crazy Eights" can help him out.

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1. Hey, the restroom is right here!

2. Some skank is having a baby in there, man.

3. Oh. Congratulations!

4. - Thank you! - Mm, babies making babies.

5. Fructose!

6. Damn, this school is more out of control than Amy Winehouse's hair.

7. Where have you been?

8. It's 4:00 a.m.

9. Get off my back!

10. I hate you! I hate this house! I hate my life!

11. I don't really hate you.

12. I know, love. Come to mama.

13. There, there, baby.

14. Now where is my head hair?

15. "Teabag City?"

16. More like T-rouble City for whoever did this.

17. Remain calm. It's a prank.

18. Football team, remain calm.

19. Marching band, remain calm.

20. Cast of this season's Biggest Loser, remain calm.

21. This is Principal Farquhar.

22. Good afternoon, concerned parents, teachers and local busybodies.

23. I'm speaking to you from the Our Lady

24. of Our Lord Jesus Christ Hospital's trample ward.

25. To end the anarchy at our school,

26. I've gathered the nine worst punks at Stoolbend High.

27. EL Fudge, Wowzer,

28. AK Rocka, Lazy Eye,

29. Fontasia, Big Skeeze,

30. Hole Punch, P. Hound, and Nazi Greg.

31. Uh, Nazi Greg's grandma died. He not here.

32. Sorry to hear that.

33. Donna, write a condolence card to Nazi Greg.

34. Now, as for the rest of you,

35. I can't pin anything on you specifically,

36. but by the power of the Farquhar Doctrine,

37. I can preemptively expel all of you.

38. This is fascist, man!

39. Go back to Woodstock!

40. In my day, you could buy candy for a nickel.

41. What we have here is a failure to communicate.

42. Cleveland Brown?

43. What are you doing there?

44. It's Coach Brown, Wally.

45. And what I'm doing is realizing that those who can, coach,

46. and those who can't, teach.

47. And it's time for this coach to teach these teachers

48. how to coach these students to teach themselves

49. how to coach one another while teaching us all—

50. Aren't there usually chips at these meetings?

51. Don't you see?

52. All these kids need is a sit-down with a grown-up

53. who can give them the tough love they need.

54. Someone as wild and unconventional as they are,

55. with his outrageous behavior and shocking gutter talk.

56. Doggone it!

57. Seems fine. Doesn't seem to have any dents in it or anything.

58. The point is, these kids need a hero.

59. Oh, no, one of the bolts came out

60. where the seat adheres to the back support leg.

61. What about you, Coach Brown?

62. Well, he did break a chair.

63. Then it's settled. Coach Brown will save our school.

64. Godspeed, you black emperor.

65. Whoosh, whush, whash. Whoosh.

66. Rallo, Julius' costume party was a week ago.

67. What did I tell you about wearing that filthy thing?

68. Oh, what'd I tell you?

69. This ain't a costume.

70. I am Superman!

71. - Stop it! Stop it! - Stop what?

72. - I'm not doing anything. - Get this damn thing...

73. - Rallo. - I'm just standing here in this position.

74. - Damn, you smell foul. - Why don't you stop?

75. - Fine. - That's right.

76. Stink all to hell and get lice and suffer.

77. Go on, get in the kitchen and make my dinner.

78. You stink.

79. Okay, guys, welcome to my home.

80. If you touch anything, let me know, so I can get it professionally cleaned.

81. Actually, let me start over.

82. Welcome to my home. Don't touch anything.

83. Hey, it's that lady from the school that has the big ass.

84. Language!

85. Hey, it's the lady from the school who has the big ass.

86. There you go.

87. Come on, let's boogie on down for our rap session.

88. You dig?

89. Ah, that's good tonic water. Nobody wants a tonic?

90. Okay.

91. Now let's stop being polite and start getting real.

92. I know what you kids are up to.

93. Drinking beer, drinking whiskey,

94. peeing in the bed, puking in the bed,

95. peeing on your puke, puking on your pee.

96. Same bull spit I used to do.

97. Whatever you've done, I've done worse.

98. Like what?

99. I shot a kid.

100. He was 13 years old.

101. Oh, it was dark.

102. I couldn't see him.

103. Had a ray gun, looked real enough.

104. You know, when you're a rookie,

105. they can teach you everything about being a cop

106. except how to live with a mistake.

107. Hold up. Isn't that from Die Hard?

108. Yes.

109. - I love that movie! - Me, too, ese!

110. - It's sick. - You seen Bird On A Wire?

111. You know, you kind of look like the black guy in Die Hard.

112. Hold up, were you the black guy in Die Hard?

113. Yes.

114. I got something to say.

115. There we go. Now, doesn't friendship feel nice?

116. Mm, it feels nice to me.

117. Hey, the eight of you could form a club.

118. You could call yourselves "The Eight Positive Teens

119. Who Are Making A Difference In Their Community."

120. Or EPTWAMADITC.

121. How about the Crazy Eights?

122. - Yeah! - Crazy Eights!

123. That's tight!

124. Hooray for Cleveland, our leader!

125. Yo, Eights, let me holler at you.

126. I been around.

127. Seen a lot of things. Know a lot of things.

128. But you know what I don't know?

129. I don't know what to do with all these jackets!

130. Here! Put 'em on!

131. But these aren't gifts. They're an investment in your future.

132. Which will be nothing without a real-world skill.

133. So, today, we're going into business.

134. But we don't know nothing about business, homes.

135. But I do.

136. We're going to sell a product that can't people can't live without.

137. How about cookies?

138. Junior, what are you doing here?

139. I'm kind of a troubled teen, too, if you think about it.

140. Junior's a legacy. He's in.

141. And cookies it is!

142. We're going to be a cookie-selling operation!

143. How are we supposed to make money selling cookies, huh?

144. Easy. Some of you will put the goods together,

145. and if you don't have enough to make a full batch,

146. just cut in some extra baking powder.

147. No one's gonna notice.

148. And some of you will handle the distribution.

149. Street corners and bad neighborhoods are great places

150. to push your product.

151. Give poor people something to live for.

152. And here's a little tip. The first one's always free.

153. 'Cause once you get 'em hooked, they're customers for life.

154. I know some people who are straight-up junkies.

155. - For cookies. - We all do.

156. Hey, I got a cousin in Columbia who got tons of powder.

157. - I mean, baking powder. - Call him.

158. And we can learn everything we need to know on the internet

159. about cooking up a batch.

160. Of cookies.

161. Yeah, the internet has a "plethoras" of information.

162. - I love a sugar high! - Everybody does!

163. Whoo! I'm gonna be the cookie kingpin of Stoolbend!

164. Seems fine.

165. Oh, it's cracked.

166. Let's get the hell out of here.

167. I definitely don't want to get in no trouble!

168. - Hey, gang! - Orale, jefe.

169. Hey, Super Smurf, where you going?

170. The fortress of solitude.

171. Otherwise known as the crapper.

172. I'm going to use that one.

173. Hey, check it out, homes. Here's your cut, dawg. Thank you!

174. What's on the menu today, son?

175. Snickerdoodles.

176. Snicker, please.

177. Cleveland, it's great what you've done for these kids,

178. and Lord knows we need the extra cash,

179. but do you find all this a bit suspicious?

180. Junior's the only one making cookies,

181. and you and the kids eat most of them,

182. but the club brings in a thousand dollars a day.

183. Hmm. Hadn't thought about it.

184. I guess I was too busy thinking about our new flat-screen TV!

185. Oh, I love you, baby!

186. - Ooh! Ooh! - Yes, Donna.

187. I'm making the world a little better.

188. I haven't felt this good since I helped that homeless person.

189. Pay it forward, stinky.

190. Whew!

191. Hey, I need to get some cash for the weekend.

192. Hang a left. Some of my kids are out selling.

193. Yo, AK, what you got for me today?

194. This feels light.

195. Yeah, well, you know.

196. No, I don't know. What's up, AK?

197. Nutty Buddies ain't selling today?

198. People love Nutty Buddies.

199. Look at me when I'm talking to you! You holding out on me?

200. I look like Nintendo? That why you playing me?

201. - Huh? - All right, listen.

202. There's another club down on Avenue 49 called the Stoolbloods,

203. and they sell "cookies," too.

204. And they weren't too cool with us selling "cookies" on their corner,

205. so they stole our supplies and our money.

206. How many times I tell you,

207. never keep the money and the supplies together!

208. Avenue 49, huh?

209. - Go! - Go what?

210. Go, please.

211. There you go.

212. Good evening, (bleep).

213. Who the hell are you?

214. Cleveland (bleep) Brown, (bleep).

215. Oh, did I interrupt you cooking up a batch with our baking soda?

216. Gonna crack a few eggs in there, cup a brown sugar,

217. teaspoon of vanilla extract, walnuts to taste?

218. Hold up.

219. His nonsensical ramblings have piqued my interest.

220. Please continue.

221. I am the leader of the Crazy Eights,

222. and if you come near my kids again,

223. or even think of selling on our corner,

224. I will wait for the first snow of winter,

225. so I may spell my name when I whiz on your grave.

226. Dad, are we still going to Williams-Sonoma?

227. In a minute. Wait in the car.

228. Good kid. Wish he'd lose the apron.

229. Looks like Clay Aiken's sex bib.

230. You know, the Clay Aiken Christmas CD is actually pretty good.

231. Can't hold a Christmas candle to David Archuleta.

232. What'd I tell you about David Archuleta?

233. You know how much money I lost on David Archuleta?

234. Sorry, Mob Stabber.

235. I thought you made it back on Christian Siriano.

236. Not all of it.

237. No, you listen to me.

238. I ordered a big old concrete lawn goose, and I want it here tonight.

239. Somebody order a goose?

240. Good Morgan.

241. - S'up? - Yo. Sí.

242. Hey, did somebody lose this?

243. How'd you get that?

244. I simply let the Stoolbloods know they chose the wrong Negro to futz with.

245. Hey, C-Bro, there's a few things we got to tell you.

246. Always got time to conversate with my homies.

247. Okay, gang, what's the good word?

248. What you believe to be a bag of flour and sugar is not.

249. - It's cocaine. - Mm-hmm.

250. - And heroin. - Mm-hmm.

251. 'Cause we don't sell cookies.

252. - We sell drugs. - Okay.

253. - Out of your house. - Okay.

254. - Which kind of makes you a gang leader. - Mm-hmm.

255. And you just stole about $10,000 worth of narcotics

256. from the most vicious gang in town.

257. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

258. Which means they're gunning for your ass right now.

259. I see.

260. I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!

261. I accused them of fornicating their own mothers.

262. They're tough. I've only been acting tough.

263. Got to dump the coke.

264. Why is this happening to me?

265. Okay, okay. Oh, flush, flush, flush.

266. Flush, flush, flush.

267. Okay, go away.

268. Bye-bye, no more problems. All right, thank you.

269. Okay, there's no evidence now.

270. We'll just lay low for a while.

271. How bad can these Stoolbloods really be?

272. Hold up.

273. Yello?

274. We got your son.

275. They've got Junior.

276. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

277. You want him alive, you bring back our merchandise.

278. - Well, how long have I got? - Well, what time is it now, 11:41?

279. - So, I'm gonna say, uh, 11:51. - Ten minutes?

280. I think I speak for all of us when I say,

281. I am so sorry about the death of your son.

282. Thank you. This has been a difficult— Hey, Junior is not dead!

283. I am going to save my son!

284. He's not dead yet!

285. All right, anyone else need to use the bathroom?

286. Good.

287. Now we've only got eight minutes left to save Junior! Come on!

288. What are you waiting for, the next Jim Jarmusch film?

289. Let's go!

290. We're scared, okay? We're high school kids, man.

291. - We didn't want to get in this deep. - I don't want to die.

292. I got six children of my own, homes.

293. Come here.

294. Who made you cookies when you had the munchies?

295. Who was always there with a smile and a glass of milk?

296. Whose idea was it to sell cookies in the first place,

297. which covered up your whole damn racket? Who?

298. That's right. Now, how many of y'all are packing?

299. Guns? I got in trouble for starting a food fight.

300. Oh, you guys are pathetic!

301. You know they've got guns.

302. Hey, Lester, can we borrow some guns?

303. How many?

304. Eight.

305. Then let's peel some caps!

306. - Hi, Cleveland. - Go back to Quahog.

307. Okay.

308. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

309. Oh!

310. Gimme back my son! Where's my boy?

311. - Where's our merchandise? - Hi, Daddy.

312. I said, "Where's our merchandise?"

313. Look, up in the sky.

314. Rallo? How'd you get here?

315. I hid in that empty duffle bag that y'all had the coke in

316. before you flushed it down the toilet.

317. That's not, uh...

318. I didn't...

319. I don't even own a toilet.

320. Have no fear, citizens. I am Superman.

321. Superman!

322. Say, Jim, that's a bad outfit.

323. Whoo!

324. Uh-oh.

325. Narc.

326. Time to kiss your 'stache goodbye.

327. Wait. Don't.

328. It's not his fault.

329. C-Bro's the only person whoever cared about us kids, and we blew it.

330. I was gonna sell a few grams on the side, but this stuff is nothing but trouble.

331. You can have it.

332. I know it ain't much, but let him go.

333. For a dime bag? I don't think so, punk.

334. Yo, I got a bag of meth.

335. I'll bust out the sticky icky for my boy Cleveland.

336. I got Chinese opium my moms gave me.

337. Here's a big old bag of stinkweed.

338. Fudge got PCP for Cleveland.

339. Here's a balloon full of pills I swallowed two days ago.

340. To sir, with love.

341. They are our future.

342. Cleveland, it's me.

343. My brother Broderick?

344. I thought you were shipped off to the Middle East.

345. I was, but I heard you were in trouble, so I raided a Blackwater operative

346. and stole his 250 pounds of Afghani heroin.

347. The best heroin in the world.

348. I'm the richest man in Stoolbend.

349. Don't ever let me see your face again.

350. Sir, I shall avoid you like Nicole Kidman avoids things

351. that will make her laugh.

352. Guess I'll drop you kids off at home.

353. Actually, you can drop me off at the mall.

354. I'm gonna see if I can get a job folding sweaters.

355. My cousin's a non-union electrician.

356. Maybe I can get a job with him.

357. Word. Gang life sucks.

358. - I heard that. - Yup.

359. I'm gonna keep my next baby.

360. Well, I hope you kids learned your lesson.

361. And that lesson is, do not come near me or my family,

362. or I will rip each one of you a new anus.

363. I found two large on the floor at that warehouse.

364. Hmm. Well, I guess we could use a thousand

365. to repair the living room ceiling.

366. What if Rallo and I split the other thousand

367. in exchange for never telling Donna

368. about your impossibly poor judgment and bad parenting?

369. I could do that.

370. I want to spend my $500 at Burger Boy.

371. Could we stop?

372. Ha! I hope you kids learned something today, too.

373. About drugs, which are bad.

374. Except for the ones which aren't, like ibuprofen and aspirin.

375. Marijuana is also okay if it's legally prescribed by a doctor

376. in any of the 13 states where such laws apply.

377. Alaska, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine,

378. Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island,

379. Vermont and Washington.

380. Time for a road trip.

381. Don't you judge me. Half of you are high right now.