The Cleveland Show 1x1

Directed by Anthony Lioi

Cleveland Brown and Cleveland Jr. leave Quahog and take to the road. On their way to California, they stop in Cleveland's hometown of Stoolbend, VA, where he reunites with his old high school crush, Donna Tubbs. Cleveland, still in love with Donna, is determined to start a new life with her, even if Donna's kids aren't exactly angels.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. And that is how I got Liza Minnelli's poop on my shoe.

2. Hey, what's your problem, Cleveland?

3. I've just had a terrible day.

4. Okay, what happened?

5. My divorce was finalized, and I lost the house to Loretta.

6. Oh, my God, I've never seen a Black guy cry before.

7. I always thought you guys just got more pissed off.

8. Geez, Cleveland, where are you gonna live?

9. I don't know.

10. Quagmire, could I stay on your gross couch?

11. No, I need that for humping strangers.

12. How about you, Joe? Can I stay at your house?

13. - No. - I understand.

14. Plus, it's not just me.

15. I also got custody of Cleveland Jr.

16. - What is he, 14 years old now? - Yep.

17. Man, he aged faster than Kathleen Turner.

18. Good news, Kathleen.

19. You've been offered the leading role in a new feature.

20. What part?

21. What else? The babe.

22. Wow, The Babe seems to be calling his shot.

23. Ah, great. Now we're losing.

24. Dad, when am I gonna get hair around my grits?

25. Oh, you'll get there, Cleveland Jr.

26. But right now, we got bigger problems than that.

27. Your mama wants this house by tomorrow at sundown.

28. - Where we gonna go? - Exactly.

29. Exactly who?

30. This ain't no knock-knock joke.

31. We gotta figure out what we're gonna do.

32. Light it, Brian.

33. - Peter, I don't wanna do this. - Do it, Brian!

34. It's the only way I'm gonna catch that bird.

35. - Meep meep! - Here he comes. Light it!

36. No, no, no, no, no, no!

37. Doggone it!

38. That's it! No more!

39. I'm tired of being kicked around by this world!

40. - I'm sorry, Cleveland. - It's all right.

41. - I tried to stop him. - I don't blame you, Brian.

42. You're a dog! A dog!

43. Hello, everyone.

44. - Thank you all for coming. - Ow!

45. Ha.

46. Anyway, I have an announcement to make.

47. Cleveland Jr. and I are moving to California

48. so I can pursue my lifelong dream of being a minor league scout

49. for a professional baseball organization.

50. Who's gonna run that deli you never go to?

51. When you sell Boar's Head, it pretty much runs itself.

52. So, I put in a call

53. to my old batting instructor, Mr. Joe Torre.

54. So, Joe Torre, who coached the Yankees

55. to four world championships, was your old batting instructor,

56. and this is the first we're hearing of it?

57. See, this is exactly why I'm leaving.

58. Nobody ever asks anything about what Cleveland's got goin' on.

59. But if Peter wants to put together a new A-Team,

60. or overthrow a British pub,

61. or recreate all the whole damned Star Wars movies,

62. I'm expected to jump on board, no questions asked.

63. Well then, I guess we're going to have to find a new Ringo.

64. Well, gosh, Cleveland, we're gonna miss you.

65. Is there anything you need before you go?

66. Um, you think you and Bonnie could kiss each other just once?

67. - Well...

68. - I don't know. - I suppose.

69. We might need some champagne.

70. Oh, Bonnie.

71. Gah-ha-ha-ha-dang!

72. That's the first time I ever asked for anything I really wanted!

73. Touch... touch boobs.

74. Well, this is it.

75. I didn't think it was gonna be so hard.

76. Goodbye, kids.

77. Goodbye, Mr. Cleveland.

78. - Bye. - Bye, chocolate people.

79. Quagmire, Joe,

80. don't y'all go drinking any beers without me.

81. Ha-ha-ha. I know you will.

82. - Take care of yourself. - Bye, chocolate people.

83. Goodbye, Peter.

84. Don't say goodbye.

85. The French say au revoir.

86. Touch... touch boobs.

87. What the hell? He's getting his own show?

88. Dad, are you sure moving to California is the right decision for us?

89. Well, it's pretty hard to steal second if your foot's still on first.

90. That sounds folksy.

91. What does it mean?

92. It means you gotta take chances in life to find true happiness.

93. That sounds gay.

94. Gays are smart.

95. Just look at how many lines

96. Gene Hackman has been able to memorize over the years.

97. Hey, look where we are.

98. Wait a minute.

99. What are we doing in Virginia?

100. I have a surprise for you, Cleveland Jr.

101. We're gonna stop off for a day or two in my old hometown.

102. Okay, but we're out of sandwich cookies.

103. Nutter Butters and the Oreos gone?

104. Damn!

105. There used to be so much hot fur walkin' around here.

106. Nowadays, the way the ladies are all grooming themselves,

107. I don't even know what you'd call it.

108. I guess you'd say there's so much hot area of skin walkin' around here.

109. I'm glad I grew up when I did.

110. Where's all your baseball trophies?

111. Hmm. Looks like they moved the trophy case.

112. Beg pardon, could you tell me where the trophy case—?

113. Cleveland?

114. Donna?

115. Thanks for driving me to the dance, Cleveland.

116. Robert would've brought me himself,

117. but he wanted to get drunk with his friends first.

118. It's all right, I enjoy your company.

119. I don't know why you're with that guy.

120. He don't treat you right.

121. Oh, he's not so bad.

122. Well, I think he is.

123. And I just want you to know that I think you're great.

124. You're wonderful, Donna.

125. - I love— - There you are, baby.

126. Thanks for keeping her warm for me, doughboy.

127. Donna, come on over here and show my buddies your nice fat ass.

128. - Ooh! - Yeah!

129. - Dang! - That's a nice fat ass.

130. So, you working here at the old school?

131. Yeah, I work for the principal.

132. How long you in town for?

133. Couple of days.

134. On our way to California.

135. Well, if you need a place to stay, we have a spare room at our house.

136. But what would Robert think?

137. Oh, Cleveland, there is no Robert anymore.

138. We're divorced.

139. I guess there is still some hot fur around here.

140. I guess there is.

141. Back in high school, I would have killed

142. to spend the night at Donna Tubbs' house.

143. Wait a minute, Dad.

144. Is she the one you used to look at naked

145. through her bedroom window from the ladder

146. when you used to—?

147. I don't even know why I told you about that.

148. "Oh I can keep a secret, Daddy!"

149. You all right, Donna?

150. Yes, Lester. Why?

151. There's a couple of Black guys followin' ya.

152. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. You're also Black.

153. Have a good day, then.

154. Well, I guess I'm back in the South.

155. Eighty-nine! 43 on the back. And the greens were fast.

156. I know, I read your Twitter.

157. Holt, this is my friend, Cleveland.

158. 'Sup, dawg?

159. You gotta blow it up, brah!

160. - Holt! - What, Mom?

161. It's time for dinner!

162. I'm talking to my friends!

163. I gotta go get my grub on.

164. I'll come by later.

165. Bring the new Dave.

166. Live in Austin. Sick.

167. He's a funny little man.

168. Rallo, this is Cleveland and Cleveland Jr.

169. They're gonna be our guests for a couple nights.

170. Oh, okay.

171. We're having fat people stay at our house now

172. and nobody runs it by me?

173. Watch your mouth, Rallo. Roberta!

174. - Where's your sister? - She left.

175. And left you alone?

176. Evidently.

177. Hey, I ain't got to go to school no more.

178. Rallo got kicked out.

179. He pulled down the teacher's pants.

180. I misread a signal. It happens.

181. Honey, go show Cleveland Jr. upstairs to the guest room.

182. We ain't got no freight elevator.

183. Nah, you're all right with me, chubs.

184. Come on.

185. That one gets kicked out of school, and his sister,

186. who's supposed to be watching him,

187. is probably running around

188. with her no-good boyfriend, Federline Jones.

189. Hard to believe a daughter of yours would be attracted

190. to a boy who was no good for her.

191. Twenty-five years later,

192. and you still giving me guff about Robert?

193. You need to get laid, fool.

194. Oh, Mom, thank God you're home.

195. Rallo probably already told you.

196. I was going to the library to get him some new books.

197. But on the way, I was mugged by six al-Qaedas, and I said,

198. "Oh, no, you don't, al-Qaedas!"

199. And I fought 'em off, one by one.

200. I fought off six al-Qaedas.

201. Oh, please, Roberta.

202. That's less convincing than the time

203. I had to use the bathroom at R. Kelly's house.

204. Uh, flush...

205. So Coach Torre's office said they'd reimburse me

206. for the mileage on the way out there.

207. And with gas prices these days,

208. write your own punch line.

209. Gas costs a lot.

210. He gets what I'm talking about.

211. I gotta go get ready for Federline.

212. It's a school night.

213. We're studying, Mom.

214. Studying a wiener.

215. Rallo! Oh!

216. I swear, my kids need some fatherin'.

217. Tell you what, I'll get 'em on the right track

218. before I leave for California.

219. Be back by 10:00.

220. I'll be back whenever I want.

221. Roberta, can I talk to you for a moment?

222. No. You get on my nerves.

223. Like when white people make a TV show they think Black people will watch.

224. We now return to...

225. Dat's What I Was Tellin' You Before!

226. What are you kids doin'?

227. The church costume party is tomorrow.

228. Dat's what I was tellin' you before!

229. - I was like, come on... - You Federline Jones?

230. I don't need my windows washed, old man.

231. Get 'em my demo, know what I'm sayin'?

232. I wasn't offering to wash your windows.

233. - Do you see a spray bottle? - No.

234. Do you see a squeegee or a chamois cloth

235. - or even a piece of balled-up newspaper? - No!

236. How would I wash your windows without those things?

237. It would be impossible to wash your windows

238. - without those things. - Okay.

239. Now, if you wanted me to check your spark plugs,

240. maybe I could do that,

241. because all I would need is for you to pop the hood!

242. But that's not why I came out here.

243. Now, there's a lady inside

244. who you're going to bring home at 10 o'clock.

245. Not 10:01.

246. Not 9:59.

247. Because that might be too soon,

248. as I'm hoping to get in a bit of petting myself tonight.

249. I don't know why I'm telling you this, but it's true!

250. I want it because it feels good!

251. Damn, I've put a lot of time into this one,

252. and I'm not going to let you mess it all up

253. by coming home at 9:59.

254. So, what time you gonna bring her home?

255. Ten o'clock.

256. Great. Have fun, kids.

257. Don't drink too many sodas.

258. So, uh, you really showed that kid who's boss, eh?

259. Ah! A bear!

260. Ah! A Black man! Ah!

261. You see? That doesn't feel so good, does it?

262. It's very reductive.

263. Well, when it... Anyway... Don't worry about it.

264. You must be Cleveland.

265. Wh-Who are you?

266. I'm Donna's neighbor, Tim.

267. My-My wife and our son, Raymond, live... live here

268. in this house right here.

269. Aren't you supposed to live in the woods?

270. Oh, yeah, I suppose.

271. It's, uh, it's not the best place to make a buck in today's, uh, world.

272. You know, the rat race.

273. I know, right?

274. Tim, for heaven's sake,

275. how long does it take to take out the trash?

276. Stop playing with that man.

277. Either eat him or come inside.

278. Hey, do me a favor, right?

279. Don't-Don't tell the missus about this.

280. She'd have my head over the mantle if she found out.

281. Man, that's-that's the antidote right there, let me tell you.

282. Okay, well, may the peace of, uh, Jesus Christ be with you.

283. All right, then.

284. I don't trust that Federline Jones.

285. And I don't trust Roberta, either.

286. But I don't know what to do.

287. Have you considered genital mutilation?

288. - What? - I'm just kidding.

289. You so stupid.

290. Cleveland, do you remember that song you used to sing to me?

291. Sing it to me again!

292. No...

293. Come on.

294. I don't remember it.

295. Oh. Mm...

296. Do you know what time it is? It's... ten o'clock.

297. Damn, I should've told him 10:04.

298. Federline insisted I be home on time.

299. And tomorrow I'm getting Rallo back in school.

300. You've got a man in the house now.

301. Mm, been a long time.

302. She's lying!

303. Thank you for giving Rallo another chance, Mrs. Lowenstein.

304. May I call you Hadassah?

305. Ochay.

306. Now, remember, I'm not trying to stop you from being who you are.

307. You just got to be cool about it.

308. So, what are you going to do when you want

309. to go under the table to look up someone's skirt?

310. Create another reason for why I would be going under the table.

311. That's right. Now, go do your thing.

312. Hey, ladies.

313. Oops. I dropped my pencil.

314. I wonder where that pencil has gone.

315. It is a most elusive pencil.

316. One wonders if I ever will find it.

317. - Attaboy. - Speaking of pencils,

318. I got a golf pencil in my pants right now.

319. Oh.

320. I can't believe you did it, Cleveland.

321. Thank you so much.

322. You know what you proved to me?

323. That these kids need a man in their lives.

324. And that I need a man in my life.

325. Who'd you have in mind?

326. Who do you think, doughboy?

327. Robert?

328. I owe it to the children to see if we can make it work.

329. You showed me that.

330. Come on, baby.

331. Let's go down to Woolworth's.

332. I'll buy you a grilled cheese and a parakeet.

333. We're not getting a parakeet.

334. I'd get you one if you wanted it.

335. Oh, Robert.

336. Thanks, Cleveland.

337. Oh, it can't get any worse than this.

338. Daddy, can you come wipe me?

339. Oh...

340. What should we name our new bird?

341. - Is it a boy or a girl? - It's a girl.

342. Joan. Her name is Joan.

343. Dad, do you think Uncle Robert would get us a bird as well?

344. Hmm, no time for that, Cleveland Jr.

345. We're leaving first thing in the morning.

346. What? Then I'll cancel dinner with Robert.

347. I shouldn't be gone your last night.

348. No, I'll just do my thing, and you can do your thing,

349. which probably involves Robert's thing.

350. And your thing.

351. Oh, which way's the bar, Thing?

352. So, you're-you're leaving soon for California, eh?

353. I ho... I hope you packed your liberal shoes.

354. What with their electric cars

355. and the Regal Beagle and all, you know?

356. Yep, heading out tomorrow.

357. It's not like there's anything to keep me here in Stoolbend.

358. Certainly not Donna.

359. Oh, I know how to read a person.

360. I can tell, you're sweet on Donna, aren't you?

361. - No. - You are!

362. You'd give up baseball for a woman

363. who's already busted out two children

364. out of her tween-leg area?

365. No! And even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

366. Her ex is back in the picture.

367. Oh, not Robert! He's a terrible listener.

368. He busted my Gameboy.

369. Robert stole my lighter. My good Bic.

370. Well, he's taking her to dinner tonight.

371. Anyway, nice knowing you guys.

372. I got some packing to do.

373. Well, we can't just let him go.

374. - Cleveland, wait! - Yes?

375. You owe us like $8.50 for your drinks, man.

376. $8.50 for two peach schnappses?

377. Oh...

378. Cleveland seemed really sad.

379. Yeah, I thought they just got more pissed off.

380. Wait! You said you weren't leaving till tomorrow.

381. I thought we'd get a head start so we could do a little sight-seeing.

382. Maybe check out Dolly Parton's birthplace.

383. I guess she could nurse herself, huh?

384. Stop it, Bob. This is a real problem!

385. So, this is goodbye, then.

386. You're a very lucky boy to have this father.

387. I can't think of a finer man than Cleveland Brown.

388. Goodbye, Donna.

389. Oh, I know y'all ain't leaving without making these beds!

390. Are we gonna have a pool in California?

391. We'll try. We'll see what amenities they have for us

392. when we get there.

393. In our kitchen, will our freezer be on top of the fridge,

394. or will they be side by side?

395. Or will it be one of those that has the freezer on the bottom—

396. I don't know!

397. I thought pursuing your dreams was supposed to make you happy,

398. not a big douche.

399. I'm sorry, Cleveland Jr.

400. Dad, didn't you tell me that sometimes

401. you got to take chances in life

402. - to find true happiness? - I did.

403. Well, then, what are we doing driving to California?

404. Miss Donna's back in Stoolbend.

405. Oh, look at the little one!

406. Oh, baby, it feels so right to be back in this house with you,

407. the cable TV...

408. Excuse me?

409. Donna, I got something to say!

410. Cleveland?

411. You're too good for this man.

412. Who are you, coming in here, talking all kinds of trash?

413. Who am I? I'm someone who wants more than just a booty call.

414. I'm someone who would treat this lady right

415. and be a good father to her children.

416. Her children? My children.

417. Do you even know what grades they're in?

418. The girl must be done with high school, right?

419. And Rerun's in what?

420. Uh... sixth grade?

421. Donna, I don't want to go to California anymore.

422. But what about your dream?

423. You're my dream.

424. You always have been.

425. I love you, Donna Tubbs.

426. I have been waiting 25 years

427. to hear you say that, Cleveland Brown.

428. I love you, too.

429. Hear that, chump?

430. This nice fat ass is mine.

431. You ain't seen the last of me!

432. Joan! Say, bird, let's rip this joint.

433. These is just a couple of jive-ass turkeys, anyhow.

434. Dat's what I was tellin' you before!

435. I present Mr. and Mrs. Cleveland Brown.

436. Y'all okay with having a Black guy as our fourth friend?

437. I mean... (clears throat) you know.

438. Hey, we got a Black president.

439. It's about time we had a Black friend.

440. Hey, we can talk to him about the president.

441. Well, I may not be a baseball scout, but I think I just hit a home run.

442. Me, too.

443. You know, I guess I could get used to having a dad again.

444. And I could get used to having a brother and sister.

445. Well, if we ain't the Black Brady Bunch.

446. Except I'm not a gay architect

447. and my wife's not sleeping with my son!

448. Not yet.