The Chair Company 1x5

1. Let's get this greedy fucker.

2. There he is! I knew I thought I'd seen that guy before!

3. God damn it.

4. That's where you saw Ken Tucker?

5. Yeah, that's where I know him from.

6. That's where I know him from.

7. God damn it. Red Ball is a shell company.

8. - What? - So, he's not the CFO.

9. Those bios, they're all fake. They just paid people

10. to pretend like they were the board of the company.

11. He's a model. They're all models.

12. Shit. Oh, shit.

13. What about those? What about your papers? What were you gonna do?

14. It's stupid. It's stupid.

15. - Yeah, but what is it? - Forget about it.

16. - It's stupid. - Oh, my God.

17. - What is it? - She is gorgeous.

18. It was just a revenge plan I had.

19. I was just so fucking mad at my boss.

20. - What was the plan? - In its perfect version,

21. I was supposed to snatch his turds in the pipe

22. after he flushed 'em so I could return 'em back to his desk—

23. I can't fucking hear you. You have to speak louder to me.

24. In its perfect version, I was supposed to snatch—

25. You gotta speak louder, I can't hear what you're saying.

26. 'Cause that would have fucked him up!

27. Seeing something you did flushed down the toilet

28. get returned back to you with the date and time you did it?

29. That's fucked up.

30. You wouldn't have any idea how that happened.

31. You know, you'd be like, "Uh, something's going on here."

32. - Oh, my God. - Oh, yeah.

33. I went there a few weeks ago to do a little test run

34. but I got my fucking hand caught in a pipe.

35. Ran out of there screaming.

36. Why do you hate your boss so much?

37. 'Cause he told me everyone at Tecca worked naked.

38. But then one day, I go into a bathroom I don't usually go into,

39. and there are like four other guys in there,

40. fully clothed.

41. So, I go back to my boss, I'm like, "Uh, hello?

42. There's guys with clothes on. What the hell?"

43. And then, it turns out he's not even supposed to be my boss.

44. I'm supposed to be his boss!

45. He just got there before me and made himself my fucking boss!

46. My God, she's gorgeous.

47. Steven, why isn't there a hydraulic lever

48. - on the Tecca chair? - There is.

49. - No, there's not. - I think there is.

50. Yeah, sorry, I think I'd know. There is.

51. I just told my daughter all this stuff, and now none of it's real.

52. - Come on, Mike, let's go. - I'm gonna keep playing, Ron.

53. These girls are unbelievable.

54. Ooh!

55. Oh, my gosh!

56. God, it's a nightmare out here.

57. - Oh, hey. Listen. - Oh.

58. If they do not invest in what you're doing...

59. - Yeah, hmm. - ... fuck 'em.

60. - Oh. - Okay?

61. - You got it. - Thank you— oh.

62. - Thank you so much, Tara. - Seriously.

63. - Hey, Sethy boy. Bring it in. - Oh.

64. Bye...

65. That's a mama bear hug right there.

66. Thank you so much for showing me Frankenweenie.

67. It meant a lot.

68. Oh.

69. It was really nice spending time with you guys.

70. - For me and for Tara. - It was a lot of fun, Nat.

71. Will you let me know what's going on?

72. You're a little interested, huh?

73. I'll keep you posted.

74. But a lot of that stuff I told you, I think might be dead ends.

75. - So, no thebaine? - Nah.

76. I got some new ideas, though. I'm sorry. What the hell?

77. Oh, it's the exterminator.

78. - Hello? - Ron, you got a sec?

79. Natalie.

80. Yeah, we're actually on our way home right now.

81. - Is everything okay? - You're good to come back.

82. I'm just calling because I did find a couple of bugs

83. in your house I've never seen before.

84. Oh, weird.

85. I'm going to take them to my guy to take a look.

86. They're your parents, okay?

87. It's your life, too. They'll understand.

88. If we found out it's a brand-new bug,

89. do you mind if I named it after me?

90. Okay, alright. I have to talk to you a little later, okay?

91. Hey, what are you guys talking about over here?

92. - Oh, malls, Ron. - Malls.

93. We're just talking malls. Talking shop about malls.

94. For real, what are you talking about? It seemed serious.

95. Nah, it's not that big a deal.

96. - Here, let me get this. - Oh. Thank you, Tara.

97. - Thank you so much. - After you. Yeah.

98. - Don't shut it on me. - Oh, sorry.

99. - I'm sorry. I thought— - Wait 'til I'm in there.

100. Wednesday, if you were thinking of coming to that.

101. It's only like four hours long.

102. Douglas is back, everyone.

103. Hey!

104. - There he is. - Oh, my God.

105. I can't tell you how good it feels to see all of you again.

106. There were times when I wasn't sure I would make it out of there alive.

107. Luckily, I was under a refrigerator,

108. so I was able to swing open the freezer and have access to food.

109. I couldn't pick what I had.

110. I just grabbed whatever I could touch.

111. But I was able to survive, even though I couldn't pick.

112. I had a lot of time to think under that fridge.

113. And I'd like to apologize to all of you for the party.

114. Douglas, forget it. We're just happy you're back.

115. You're just the kindest people.

116. - Douglas, glad you're alright. - Thanks, Ron.

117. I want to take a look at the mall plans.

118. I want to make sure we have enough wheelchair access.

119. I just want to be certain that we're ADA compliant.

120. You know what ADA is?

121. Yeah, I know what ADA is, and we're completely complying.

122. I intend to be all over this one, buddy.

123. I'm not gonna let you take shortcuts on those ramps.

124. How long are you in the wheelchair?

125. They think, like, two to eight months.

126. It's sort of up to me.

127. Excuse me one second. Glad you're back.

128. - Yeah? - I found Oliver Probblo.

129. He's outside Dayton.

130. Okay, everybody, coming through. Bags off the floor, please.

131. Bags off the floor. Doris, bag.

132. - Huh? - Pick your bag up, sweetie.

133. It's a bit of a drive, but we can go talk to him tomorrow night.

134. Can you swing it?

135. Brenda. Brenda, hey.

136. They're blasting the ledge at the site on Wednesday,

137. and I told Andrew Bohldo from Canton Natural Defense

138. that I would be there to oversee it.

139. Yeah. Whatever, Ron.

140. Oh, and I have some news we really need to sit down about.

141. You know what, I'll wait 'til Jeff gets back from his trip.

142. I can talk right now. I don't leave 'til tomorrow.

143. No, we'll talk when you get back.

144. It's gonna take a little while to process.

145. - Hello? - Come on down, Mike, I'm outside.

146. Come up, I'm just popping out of the shower.

147. Shut your fucking fly trap, whore! You fucking sweaty pig!

148. What's your cock doing on my bed?

149. Cock juice all over my fuckin' bed.

150. - What the hell happened to my picture— - Hey, hey, Ron.

151. Hey, hey, hey.

152. Yeah. I'm sorry for the mess.

153. So, I emailed Oliver. You know, he was an actor.

154. So, I told him we were fans so he wouldn't get spooked.

155. He said he was doing his show tonight,

156. and we should go by and talk to him after.

157. What are the fancy shoes for?

158. I don't know. Who knows where we're gonna end up tonight.

159. Somewhere fancy maybe, huh? Hey, want anything to eat?

160. - Oh, I'm okay. - It's a long ride, come on.

161. Sit down, I'll get you something. Come on, come on.

162. Ah, what the hell? There's barf in the sink.

163. Goddamn it.

164. Let's see...

165. here.

166. You want some...

167. some...

168. chicken?

169. You want some fried...

170. I'll be right with you.

171. Got a whole shirt and everything?

172. Oh! What the hell was that?

173. You shoulda ate some of that chicken.

174. That was really good pepper chicken. Whole lotta onions.

175. But there's a spot we can get a bite to eat up there.

176. They make the biggest freakin' meatballs I ever seen.

177. They make 'em up with this gray beef.

178. You know, it's so gray.

179. You know what I'm talking about. Gray beef.

180. - So, you've been there before? - Yeah, I spent some time there.

181. Actually, it's a really weird town.

182. The people are just probably, like, everywhere.

183. - Some good, some bad. - So, what else did Oliver say?

184. Well, he's doing Scrooge in A Christmas Carol

185. up there for the last three years.

186. Hey, he sent me a ton of video 'cause he thinks we're fans.

187. But I watched A Christmas Carol.

188. - It's a really good story. - What's he doing now?

189. Oliver said that he tries to find things to do as Scrooge,

190. you know, in the off-season, so he doesn't get rusty.

191. He's doing this big performance tonight, but we'll catch up with him after that.

192. Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?

193. Oh, my God!

194. Goddamn it!

195. I tried to do Scrooge in a jail, but they were so nasty.

196. Spitting at me.

197. The Nazis were the worst, can you believe that?

198. I said, "I'm glad you're all in jail."

199. I hate those Nazis. I'll say it.

200. I didn't even want to do the jail.

201. My drama coach said do it. She's insane.

202. - Right. - She's been squatting

203. in my apartment for months.

204. She locked herself in the bedroom in November

205. and won't leave.

206. - Oh. - Doesn't pay any rent.

207. Taste this. They say that's Jameson.

208. - I don't think it is. - It is, sir.

209. Can I get one of those copper cups?

210. What, you want a Moscow Mule? I need your license if you want the cup.

211. - It's policy. - You need my I.D.?

212. You're afraid I'm going to steal the cup?

213. Here you go.

214. So, you're big fans, huh?

215. - Yeah, we're really big fans. - Yeah. Yeah.

216. Hey, Oliver, what can you tell us

217. - about Red Ball Market Global? - Never heard of it.

218. But you did a photoshoot for them?

219. No.

220. See right here.

221. This, do you remember this? I mean, this here says you're the CFO.

222. No! These photos were taken as an exercise

223. for my "Life of the Party" class.

224. - Wait, wait, what? - "Life of the Party" classes.

225. It's classes I used to take to help you become instantly the life

226. - of any party you attend— - Excuse me.

227. Sir? Sir, excuse me?

228. Your sleeve keeps almost going in that soup.

229. You should watch out.

230. - What? - Your sleeve keeps almost going

231. in that soup, and I just don't want it to get dirty.

232. So what? Why not?

233. - Just trying to be helpful. - Don't worry about me.

234. Worry about yourself. Fuckin' asshole.

235. Alright, sorry. What was this exercise?

236. We pretended to be other people.

237. At first, I thought it was kinda weird,

238. but then I started to really have fun with it.

239. And you know what? That was the day I realized I want to be an actor.

240. Why did you feel it was weird?

241. We never did that kind of exercise in that class before.

242. And there was this woman there

243. directing it with a photographer.

244. She kept saying, "You're a businessman," or, "You're a boss."

245. Who was she? Who was this woman?

246. Well, I'd never seen her before, so I asked Sandy, who runs the class...

247. Yeah.

248. - "Who was that lady taking the pictures?" - Yeah!

249. "I want to be an actor. And this is my first job."

250. But she wouldn't tell me.

251. So then, I said, "I just want to thank her.

252. "I don't really care about the pictures.

253. I just wanna thank her for changing my life."

254. So finally, she gave me an email address,

255. and then I hammered her.

256. "Give me those pictures!" I didn't let up.

257. "I want those pictures!"

258. - So, what was her name? - Hey, honey,

259. I want you to meet someone.

260. This guy here, he cares about my sleeve. He's Henry Helper.

261. He doesn't want my sleeve to have cheddar soup on it.

262. I wouldn't mess with him.

263. This is a coke bar. Everyone here's a cokehead.

264. Alright, Oliver, this woman

265. who was taking these photographs in the class,

266. do you remember her name?

267. I should. I emailed her about 500 times.

268. What was her name?

269. Maggie S. Yes, Maggie S.

270. - "S"? - I can't remember

271. what the "S" stood for off the top of my head,

272. but I have the emails at home on my iPad.

273. I downloaded them all from my work email before I got kicked off it.

274. You have the name on your iPad?

275. Come back to the apartment

276. and I'll look up the name for you.

277. But first, I gotta do some coke.

278. - Then, we'll leave. - Uh-oh!

279. Exactly what you didn't want to happen is happening.

280. Too bad you can't help!

281. There you go.

282. - That's 75 for the baggie. - Sold.

283. Here's 80, my good man.

284. Since you love my sleeve so much, I bet you'd like to kiss it.

285. Why don't you leave us alone, huh?

286. - Hey! I know you. - No, you don't.

287. Yeah, I do. I know some folks

288. that would love to know you're back in town.

289. We gotta go. I paid for the coke with Scrooge money.

290. - Oh, damn it! - How 'bout I take a little selfie?

291. Don't you dare take a selfie of me.

292. Hey, whoa, whoa, wait. Why don't you kiss my sleeve?

293. We know you care about it.

294. We know that it's your favorite shirt. And I'm your favorite lay.

295. I'm your mama.

296. Why aren't you kissing your mama's sleeve? Aren't I your mama?

297. - No, you're my goddamn mama. - Smile!

298. Here comes Mama Barbie's sleeve!

299. - I'm not Mama Barbie! - Yes, you are!

300. Here's your bottle, Mama Barbie!

301. Oh, God!

302. Hag!

303. Oh, shit! Go, go!

304. Come on, come on, come on, come on, get in, get in!

305. - Quick, quick, quick! - Oh, you little fucker!

306. - Oh, shit! - Oh, my God!

307. - Go! Go! Step on it! - I'm going! I'm going!

308. - Oh, Jesus! Oh, shit! - Don't stop!

309. Get off me, hag!

310. Oh, no!

311. Go!

312. Where are we going? Where are we going here?

313. Oh, we're close. Straight ahead.

314. Oh, my God. My voice. I actually sound more like Scrooge.

315. - Hey, Nat, what's up? - Are you okay?

316. I thought you were supposed to be in Canton.

317. - I am in Canton. - Dad.

318. Here. Here, here, here, here. Mi casa! Mi casa!

319. - Who is that? - Natalie, I'm fine, okay?

320. I'll call you later, alright? I'm gonna be okay.

321. Everything's good. Bye.

322. - Come on, Oliver. - Hold on.

323. How'd they find us?

324. Oh, the fucking cup.

325. My I.D., the policy.

326. Come on, Oliver, find that name. I need the name.

327. - What's the "S" stand for, Oliver? - I can't find it!

328. - Look for the "S," Maggie S! - I'm searching for Maggie S,

329. and there's nothing.

330. Oh, my God. Keep looking! Please, please.

331. - Please, please, please. - This is crazy.

332. There's a guy climbing the pole.

333. - Oh, no! - Keep looking!

334. Whoa!

335. - Oh! - What happened?

336. Oh, my God.

337. What happened?

338. He's okay.

339. Oh, God! No, what are you doing? Leave him alone! Leave— no! No!

340. I'm not leaving! I'm not leaving!

341. - Push her out! Push her out! - Get away from me!

342. Push her out!

343. Oh, gosh.

344. - Get away! - Oh, goddammit!

345. - You gotta pay rent! - I'm never paying you rent!

346. This is 'cause of my sleeve.

347. - Give me the fucking money. - I don't have any.

348. - Oliver? Is everything okay? - No!

349. Get your hands off of me!

350. Hey! Hey!

351. Hey, come here!

352. Fuck!

353. No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

354. - Whoa! What the fuck? - Don't move. Don't move.

355. Don't fucking move!

356. My fucking wife hired you, didn't she?

357. - What? - She hired you.

358. She sent you here to catch me cheating.

359. - No, no, I'm just looking for a guy! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

360. - yeah, yeah, she did, she did, she did. - No!

361. I seen you in that green Cadillac

362. sitting in the parking lot trying to catch my ass cheating.

363. - Yeah, that's it. - I swear that's not me. Just please.

364. I gotta figure this out.

365. I love my wife. I want to keep her.

366. Okay, okay. This is what you're gonna do.

367. - Are you married? - Yes, I'm a married man,

368. - and I have children. - Okay, this is what we're gonna do.

369. We're gonna make a video of you cheating on your wife.

370. - Yeah, we have to. - No.

371. What are you talking about? I don't know your wife!

372. We're gonna make a video of you kissing Gretchen

373. and Gretchen kissing him. Gret-catch, you okay with that?

374. - Yep. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

375. - I can't do that! - Yes, you are.

376. - I can't! - Yes, you are!

377. - Fuck you! - Yes, you are.

378. - Fucking hell. - Yes, you are!

379. Okay! Okay!

380. Alright. Get in tight. That's it.

381. And go.

382. Okay, good.

383. Good, a little more. One more second.

384. Okay, good.

385. Excellent. That's cheating.

386. Alright. Alright.

387. Fuck.

388. Alright, now just let me fucking process this, okay?

389. Okay. I think we're fucking good.

390. Okay, shit.

391. - I'm good? - No, no, no, no. Not yet...

392. Fuck. Okay, thanks. I think we got it.

393. You're a good man for doing this, man. Thank you.

394. - You can go. Go ahead, go on. - Okay.

395. Go on, okay.

396. - I'm going in. Let me in. - Are you family?

397. Then, you're gonna have to wait outside.

398. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's family.

399. Yeah, that's family right there. That's my brother.

400. Ah, Mr. Trosper, you're awake.

401. - Yeah. - Yeah, well, it looks like

402. you suffered a minor concussion.

403. And we noticed some residual fluid in your brain.

404. Did you have any kind of head trauma prior to today?

405. I did have an incident a couple weeks ago.

406. Oh, two concussions back to back. I'd be very careful.

407. Another hit could cause some very serious permanent damage.

408. I'll be careful.

409. Thank you.

410. Oh, shit.

411. Mike, you gotta do me a favor.

412. Can you please take this phone far away from here as possible?

413. I think Natalie's been tracking me, and I don't want her

414. - to know I'm in the hospital. - Alright, you got it.

415. Thank you.

416. You sleep, Ron. I'll get us home.

417. - Thanks, Mike. - Yeah, you got it.

418. I'm sorry, Ron, I had to make a pit stop.

419. Family's hard.

420. - That's your family? - Yeah.

421. It's my daughter. It's complicated.

422. I don't get to see her as much as I'd like.

423. - I didn't know you had a daughter. - Yeah.

424. Lynette. Isn't that a beautiful name?

425. I wasn't the best father, or whatever.

426. I wasn't a good partner.

427. I don't want to look back at my life and see I was a bad guy.

428. - Yeah. - You know, like Scrooge.

429. I don't want people to stand on my grave and laugh.

430. Well, at least you tried. That's something.

431. I don't want you to pay me anymore, Ron.

432. - What? - Yeah.

433. I don't want you to pay me.

434. I want to do it because it's the right thing to do.

435. And plus, we're family, huh?

436. Yeah, I appreciate that.

437. But I'm gonna keep paying you. I mean, this is your job.

438. No, it's not a job anymore.

439. I want to help you, Ron.

440. You know, you accidentally hit that guy right in the dent.

441. You could have killed him. That's the closest skin to the brain.

442. Yeah. Yeah, pfft, got lucky, man.