The Boys 5x5

1. I'll fucking kill you.

2. I got you something.

3. Terror! Does he still hump everything?

4. He does his best.

5. My grandma was diagnosed with leukemia.

6. I discovered a cure.

7. They laughed at me.

8. Fuck them all.

9. Heavens to Betsy!

10. What's that smell? It's Soldier Boy. I can smell him all over you.

11. - Where's Noir? - He just disappears every afternoon.

12. Won't say where he's going. Won't say shit.

13. - I trusted you. - Are you still butthurt

14. - about me bringing in Stan Edgar? - I thought we were friends.

15. I needed a win from Homelander, Edgar was it.

16. If we get the V1 first, we save Annie, we save Kimiko.

17. If Homelander gets it, he's immortal.

18. A punch like a bleeding sledgehammer

19. and a taste for fucking smack.

20. Bombsight.

21. Enriched uranium.

22. Good luck getting out of a Supe-proof cell

23. while you're bleeding out of your ass.

24. The V1 wasn't here.

25. Just fucking do it already.

26. I was visited by an angel.

27. Today, we commit ourselves

28. to a divine rebranding.

29. I am the Messiah.

30. The Democratic Church of America!

31. Homelander! Homelander!

32. They're up before dawn.

33. They got a thousand heads of cattle to herd.

34. It's hard work and strong coffee.

35. Old leather saddles

36. and the worn stock of a trusty Remington.

37. And when the sun finally rises over the range,

38. the cowboys know

39. America is God's country

40. and Americans, God's chosen people.

41. So shouldn't we have our own church for Americans

42. with American grit and American values?

43. Founded by the greatest American of us all?

44. A true American prophet?

45. Come home to the Democratic Church of America.

46. Come home to Homelander.

47. Already, the campaign's Aided Awareness

48. outpaces the norm by plus-22 points,

49. led by white men and women, ages 36 to 54 and 55 to 72.

50. We are also seeing massive growth on the ground level.

51. Yeah? 'Cause I'm seeing massive growth myself.

52. Church attendance is up,

53. and our online donation CTR is at 44%.

54. That's a new record. Amen.

55. Amen.

56. Next up is a 500 million ad blitz

57. with OOH, e-blasts, print and digital.

58. Ain't nobody won't know about the Democratic Church of America

59. and its chosen prophet.

60. Prophets are servants.

61. Of course.

62. Sir, great point.

63. We're just trying to ease people into it.

64. No, no, no. We need to prepare America for my ascension.

65. We must be honest. We must be direct.

66. - I like "savior." - Mm.

67. Or-or—

68. Lord.

69. Yes, I couldn't agree more, sir.

70. - Mm. - Religion is not about being meek.

71. We should dominate

72. the seven mountains of society,

73. bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth. Amen.

74. - Amen. - Amen. I love all that.

75. So fucking dope.

76. Easter is just around the corner.

77. How perfect would it be for your second coming

78. to come on the day of Jesus' resurrection?

79. Mm. Second coming?

80. Let's be clear, I am not the son of God.

81. Yeah, well, of course.

82. Many people believe that Jesus is both God incarnate and the son.

83. Well, that's just confusing.

84. I don't want my church getting involved in all... that.

85. Exactly.

86. Besides, if we pull up our timeline,

87. you won't have...

88. this.

89. We're gonna drag our feet because of a book?

90. Not a book.

91. The book.

92. The Homelander Bible.

93. Heavy.

94. What the fuck?

95. It's got the Old Testament, the New Testament,

96. and the Brand New American Testament,

97. written by A.I. trained on the works of Pat Robertson.

98. See, we need to pass the torch, sir,

99. from Jesus to you.

100. Sir, we don't get more than one chance at a first impression.

101. Are we really gonna rush something this important?

102. - We ain't Arby's, after all. - No.

103. We're the Cheesecake Factory.

104. Okay.

105. We'll do it your way.

106. Thank you.

107. You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval

108. is likely to generate widespread civil unrest?

109. Local law should be able to handle the suburbs,

110. but we could use extra hands in major metros.

111. Oh, let's recall all Supes stationed overseas.

112. American heroes should be protecting America,

113. - not Who-Gives-A-Fuckistan. - Great idea.

114. - Something wrong? - Everything's peachy.

115. Well, I can see why they call this the city that never sleeps.

116. How could you with all that racket?

117. - You get used to it. - You seem to have.

118. City life seems to suit you.

119. I guess.

120. I was surprised you called, Reverend.

121. Well, I was surprised you answered.

122. It's been a while, and, uh, I said things I regret.

123. We both did.

124. You remember when you used to stop by the church after school?

125. Use your powers to light our candles?

126. I remember staying for supper.

127. Oh, man, those Fish Fry Fridays.

128. I never liked eating alone.

129. Or were you making sure I got at least one hot square a day?

130. Reverend, is something the matter?

131. I'm embarrassed to bug you with all of this, but, um,

132. the last couple of weeks have been rough.

133. We've been bleeding congregants to the Democratic Church of America,

134. and what folks are sticking around, they're scared.

135. - Why? - 'Cause last Sunday, somebody, um,

136. melted our stained glass window of Mary.

137. - Melted it? - Mm-hmm.

138. It was our local Supe, Praying Mantis.

139. He sprayed acid out of his butt.

140. - I mean, his... his glands, his whatever. - Yeah.

141. - I know him. - It was a message.

142. I called the sheriff. I called the mayor. I called half of Florida.

143. You're all I got left.

144. Reverend, I don't know what I could do.

145. Well, you got to be able to do something.

146. You're Homelander's right hand.

147. Homelander's not too keen on being challenged.

148. Why not just pay the franchise fee and join?

149. Honey, we can barely afford to pay our water bill.

150. Besides, the Democratic Church of America?

151. God does not favor one nation over another.

152. - Doesn't he, though? - No.

153. Name one way God's ever blessed Canada.

154. Just 'cause Homelander tells you that the sky is red does not make it so.

155. You still have that, uh, that Jesus action figure?

156. I'm surprised you remember that.

157. How could I forget it? You carried it with you everywhere you went.

158. You almost wore the face off the thing.

159. Do you still carry him?

160. It's complicated.

161. No, it's... I don't think it is.

162. Homelander is a... he's a great American.

163. He can stop bullets, he can fly, and do amazing things.

164. Those aren't miracles.

165. And he is not God.

166. If you're the same Misty Tucker Gray that I taught the Bible to over fish,

167. I think you know it, too.

168. We ain't doing that again.

169. That's what you said the last six times.

170. No, I really mean it this time.

171. You seem a little out of it. Did you nut?

172. 'Cause usually you nut.

173. Were you baptized?

174. Yeah, in front of half of Chestnut Hill.

175. Governor Sproul did the honors.

176. My family kept up appearances, of course.

177. Then we never set foot in church again.

178. I had lunch today with the reverend who baptized me.

179. He's been getting heat to switch over to our church.

180. You think Homelander might be open to going easy on him?

181. Just... give him a little more time?

182. I wouldn't ask if it was just anybody, but that man practically raised me.

183. So you didn't nut?

184. You know, this whole Homelander as God shit, it's...

185. it's fucking ridiculous.

186. Really? You think so?

187. If he's the second coming, then what does that make me? Joseph?

188. I mean, talk about the biggest cuck in history.

189. Man trades his best cow to bag some hot-ass virgin,

190. and then God comes and squirts his baby gravy up her meat wallet.

191. Fuck that.

192. I guess I've been struggling with where to place

193. Homelander in my heart in relation to Jesus and the Lord.

194. Okay.

195. Of course I worship Homelander.

196. I mean, he's always been a god to me.

197. Look, I'll tell you this.

198. If there is a God...

199. sure as hell didn't come out of my balls.

200. - I got to go. - Where you off to?

201. L.A.

202. I fucking hate L.A.

203. Homelander?

204. Homelander?

205. Hello?

206. Does Homelander know you're here?

207. Yeah, of course.

208. Some of our church's followers generously donated their milk

209. for our savior's sustenance.

210. I mean, he got to get this liquid gold from somewhere, am I right?

211. You need something?

212. Where's Homelander?

213. Oh, uh, he didn't tell you?

214. Yeah, he had to fly off to L.A.

215. Strange he didn't mention anything.

216. Well, I've been real busy working for his glory,

217. so not much time for chitchat.

218. Of course.

219. Look at us, a regular Peter and John, just bearing witness

220. and spreading the gospel.

221. A real blessing.

222. - Amen. A real... - Amen.

223. - ... blessing. - Oh, uh, by the way,

224. after our meeting, I checked in on the timeline of that Homelander Bible,

225. and, uh, the printers were happy to rush it to make Easter.

226. Well, ain't you full of get-up-and-go.

227. Thing is, they said it wasn't a problem.

228. So, I wondered why you were so bent on holding it up.

229. I wasn't.

230. See, I just wanted to make sure everything was just right.

231. Listen, if you are ever feeling any doubts,

232. come to me.

233. I can be a warm shoulder and a friendly ear.

234. Well, bless your heart.

235. I'll do that.

236. What'd you want to talk to Homelander about?

237. Maybe I can help.

238. That is so kind of you.

239. But it wasn't important.

240. What's up?

241. Um...

242. Got a tip from our southeast stringer.

243. Praying Mantis raided half a dozen churches in Daytona.

244. Was one of 'em Holy Baptist?

245. The man upstairs wants us— you— to run with it top of show.

246. He thinks with it being your home church and all, it'll make a strong statement.

247. So I'll have Chris load the new graphics?

248. I got to finish getting ready.

249. Welcome to Truthbomb.

250. Our top story tonight's a personal one.

251. It's the story of my hometown church,

252. Holy Baptist of Daytona.

253. It was the church I grew up in.

254. Sang my hymns from the pews there every Sunday.

255. But that church...

256. That church...

257. That church...

258. has become

259. a hotbed of Starlighter infestation.

260. And my old pastor,

261. Reverend Greg Dupree, has been infected

262. by Starlight's seditious propaganda.

263. Now...

264. I never told a soul this,

265. but when I was a little girl, the reverend regularly had me over for supper.

266. Alone.

267. No.

268. Nothing ever happened to me, but...

269. I heard stories about his "Fish Fry Fridays."

270. And if that ain't code for child grooming,

271. I don't know what is.

272. How much longer

273. are we gonna let these institutional pedo churches

274. diddle our babies?

275. Americans deserve better.

276. They deserve... Homelander.

277. They deserve

278. the Democratic Church of America.

279. Something wrong?

280. Everything's peachy.

281. - Would you like some knee pads? - I'm sorry?

282. You're looking at me like you want to suck my hog.

283. So I'm asking if you would like some knee pads.

284. Take it easy on the little guy.

285. He brought me Stan Edgar.

286. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

287. Barry Gibb. B.G. There's no Bee Gees without me.

288. B.G. means the "Brothers Gibb."

289. What, you think that falsetto makes you boss?

290. I think Saturday Night Fever going platinum 16 times makes me boss.

291. We made that album together.

292. You're nothing without me and Maurice.

293. Don't you dare bring Maurice into this!

294. I don't know. It feels inauthentic for Barry to move like this.

295. Oh, yeah?

296. In what way?

297. Egomaniacs like Barry are-are really just insecure.

298. I think he's threatened by Robin's talent.

299. So, maybe he, uh, expresses that by doing a barrel roll instead?

300. Never mind. Sorry, I broke character. I didn't mean to—

301. Yeah.

302. You need to apologize all right.

303. For being a fucking genius.

304. Are you fucking kidding me? A barrel roll?

305. Holy shit.

306. It's brilliant.

307. Justin, I don't know who you are,

308. or where you came from, or anything about you,

309. but, my God, if you are not a fucking talent.

310. - Wow, thank you. - No.

311. Thank you.

312. Let's take ten, everybody.

313. All right.

314. - Lay it on me, Justin. - What do you mean?

315. You're acting up there. Stop acting.

316. Stop acting.

317. Don't act. Don't.

318. Because I don't need an actor.

319. I need Barry Gibb.

320. You're right, boss. I'm sorry.

321. My process has been all over the map. I just...

322. This scene hits a little close to home.

323. All right, let me guess. The egomaniac we're talking about,

324. that's someone in your life?

325. Someone I work with.

326. In my... day job.

327. All right. What are you doing? So quit.

328. There's no way this gig is more important than the fucking theater.

329. I thought this guy was my brother,

330. but he straight-up hijacked something I did and took all the credit for it.

331. All right.

332. I've been trying to keep this on the D.L., but...

333. in addition to my theater work,

334. I also happen to be a massive feature director.

335. Four Saturn Awards to prove it.

336. So, I was working on this little film, I don't know, you may have heard of it,

337. called Dawn of the Seven.

338. Billion dollar gross, but who's counting.

339. There was this fucking guy, the Deep,

340. he just kept upstaging everyone with his trite, shitty improvs.

341. I heard he's a real baby.

342. He is a Jared Leto-level baby bitch.

343. But you got to put people like that in their place, right?

344. So, whoever is upstaging you, you fucking upstage them right back.

345. - Okay? - Yeah.

346. All right.

347. You got this, bubbeleh.

348. Testing. Testing. Bitch. Bitch.

349. - So great you're here, bro. - Alpha. Sigma. Beta.

350. Yes, well, we need to meet young men where they are

351. if we plan to usher them into the fold of our Lord.

352. Mm. Totes McGotes.

353. So, listen, you know, I've got some ideas

354. about how to take this whole church thing to the next level.

355. Oh, yeah?

356. So you know how communion wafers taste like dried shit?

357. What if they were Nilla wafers instead.

358. Ah?

359. Oh, yeah, and if you could throw in a commandment

360. about how it's not cool to try and bone another bro's girl.

361. We have that. That already exists.

362. Great minds then, eh?

363. Point is, me and Homelander, we go way back.

364. I know what he likes, doesn't like,

365. so you ever want to bounce some ideas back—

366. Don't listen to him, bro.

367. Oh, shit!

368. He talks.

369. - No, he does not. - He's not trying to help you.

370. He's like those fish who suck on whales.

371. You talking about a suckerfish?

372. He latches onto every new Supe— Starlight, me, Sage.

373. He pretends he's the guy, but he's not the guy. He's a joke.

374. That smell on his breath? It's because he's been clam diving, on clams.

375. What? I have not done that.

376. - I have definitely never done that. - Look, if you

377. really want to impress Homelander, bring me onstage for Easter.

378. Homelander can heal me. I'll get my voice back.

379. And then, I'll fly.

380. - You know I can fly, right? - That's so fucking stupid, bro!

381. Well, now, I'm gonna have to run this by Homelander, but, uh,

382. an honest to God faith healing?

383. That's like a nine-point bump with Pentecostals right there.

384. Goddamn.

385. There's my guy.

386. Little pep in the step, huh?

387. Sir, I did what you said, and I upstaged that fuckhead at work.

388. I'm proud of you.

389. Now, that's exactly how I handled that motherfucker Paul Rudd.

390. He's not who you think he is.

391. I appreciate the help, boss.

392. Oh, my God, kid. You know what?

393. Keep this between us, but you know Vought Studios

394. hung me out to dry after they shelved Training A-Train?

395. Oh, yeah.

396. And at first, I drowned my sorrows in crack,

397. nitrous, huffing glue, huffing paint, paint thinners, cough medicine, guns,

398. high-risk sex, codeine.

399. Do you ever fuck on codeine?

400. But that's not the answer.

401. This play.

402. It saved me.

403. You saved me.

404. Wow. Thank you.

405. No. Kid, thank you.

406. 'Cause I got some big news.

407. We're going to Broadway.

408. Yes. No more mindless studio bullshit.

409. I can finally be the artist I always dreamed of, and you...

410. Kid, you have no idea, but you're gonna be a fucking star.

411. So, you ditch that office gig 'cause you and I, we are gonna save the world.

412. With our talent.

413. Oh, my God. You have no idea how much this means to me!

414. I love you, kid.

415. You start your vocal warm-ups.

416. - Yeah. - I'm gonna drop a deuce.

417. Okay.

418. Fucking Tony Gilroy.

419. Oh, my God!

420. Adam?

421. Holy shit.

422. Get it out!

423. Come here.

424. Closer.

425. My asshole hurts so fucking much.

426. Hey, bro.

427. Don't you fucking "hey bro" me. What the fuck is wrong with you?

428. Nothing. Why? What's wrong with you?

429. I call you a "clam diver," and you send an eel to ass-murder Adam Bourke?

430. Did something terrible happen at your play rehearsal today?

431. Which is definitely not your job.

432. The lead producer's stepping away. They're shuttering the production.

433. He had it coming.

434. Fucker didn't use my improvs in Dawn of the Seven.

435. He believed in me, you fuckwit!

436. And for what? 'Cause I fucking upstaged you with Oh Father?

437. Here's what gonna happen now.

438. You are gonna fucking do whatever I say whenever I say it,

439. or I'm gonna tell Homelander you were in some pussy play,

440. which is a definite conflict of interest

441. since Homelander outlawed the National Endowment for the Arts.

442. You have nothing to say? Nice.

443. You're really getting the hang of that Meisner technique, huh?

444. Hey. Hey, buddy.

445. Good boy. Good boy.

446. Hi.

447. You want to fuck me?

448. You want to fuck me like a good boy?

449. And Americans, God's chosen people.

450. So shouldn't we have our own church for Americans?

451. With American grit and American values?

452. Founded by the greatest American of us all?

453. A true American prophet?

454. Hold on.

455. What're you doing?

456. Frenchie won't cook my steak past medium rare,

457. and I like mine burnt, with ketchup.

458. Okay, and why don't you tell him that?

459. I have.

460. Maybe we just don't like the same... steak, you know?

461. Jesus Christ.

462. Has Butcher ever washed this thing? Oh.

463. Ugh, that thing is, like, glazed in dog semen.

464. Like a come doughnut.

465. Come-nut? Did I just invent a new word?

466. You know what? I am gonna do us all a favor and wash this.

467. Terror, your boyfriend is about to become a virgin all over again.

468. Oof.

469. Good boy.

470. The fuck is that?

471. You finally building yourself a fuck-bot?

472. Something me and Frenchie are working on.

473. Proper preparation and planning, my son.

474. None of my fucking business, got it.

475. Yeah, that's the one.

476. - Any leads on Bombsight? - Not a damn thing.

477. Well, he's an unbreakable cunt that flies through the air.

478. How hard can it be?

479. Well, if it's so easy, why don't you look for him?

480. I've hit every single dead end and then some.

481. How about Legend? That old bastard knows everyone.

482. He's in the wind.

483. And if I had as much shit on Vought as he did, I'd fuck off, too.

484. Ah, shit.

485. Wait, wait, wait.

486. - Oi. Terror, no! - Hey, hey, hey!

487. - Get down. No, Terror. Oi. - Good boy. Good boy.

488. Oi, oi, oi, oi. No.

489. You can't have no chocolate, mate.

490. Yeah, get your own chocolate.

491. Mmm.

492. What?

493. - Three Mississippi rule. - Bloody hell.

494. I never thought I'd see the day.

495. It's got a fucking pubic hair on it and all.

496. Tasty, too. Hmm?

497. You know what's funny?

498. Here we are, parked in the middle of hell,

499. and I've never slept or shit so good in my entire life.

500. - What's different? - Well, like you,

501. I just finally realized that I'm already dead.

502. And once I just gave up that stress of needing to stay alive, it's like,

503. shit got easier.

504. You know, I spent my whole life

505. going after Soldier Boy for what he did to my family.

506. Yet he's immortal?

507. He's immune?

508. What kind of fucking cosmic joke is that?

509. So, you tell me, Butcher.

510. Why should I keep going?

511. Well, you keep going for Monique, for Janine.

512. They're better off without me.

513. How can a man so smart be so fucking daft?

514. They are.

515. And I'm better off without them.

516. Because if I thought that there was a snowball's chance in hell

517. that I might see them again...

518. then I might be too scared to do what you and me both need me to do.

519. Oh.

520. Bonsoir, mon toutou.

521. You wonder what am I doing?

522. Oh, well, first, I made Kimiko the perfect French ribeye.

523. You know, she loves my steak.

524. And for dessert, my soufflé au chocolat.

525. It's a thing of legend.

526. You know, she wants one of you.

527. To... I don't know.

528. What is it that you do?

529. Eat? Sleep? Oh, fetch.

530. I throw the ball, you bring it back.

531. I throw the ball, you bring it back.

532. It's a nightmare of futility.

533. What would I do with one of you?

534. I've killed every plant I've owned.

535. I'd surely kill you, too.

536. She deserves peace.

537. A normal life.

538. But I...

539. I don't know how to give her this.

540. If I even can.

541. Oh! Oh, la, la, la, la.

542. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Aw...

543. Fils de pute!

544. I need fresh air. You want to come?

545. Outside?

546. No?

547. Okay.

548. If you and M.M. still think—

549. Oh, for fuck's sakes, Hughie, knock it off

550. with this V1 shite. You're doing me fucking head in.

551. Oi. Terror. Cut it out. Come on.

552. Now, listen, if we do find that stuff,

553. we're not making any fucking vaccines out of it, all right?

554. We're not the department of fucking health.

555. We burn that shit before Homelander gets his paws on it,

556. - and that's that. - Well, if you want to kill yourself,

557. knock yourself out, but why do you have to decide for the rest of us?

558. Oh, 'cause I'm fucking right!

559. 'Cause I've always been right!

560. I've been telling you lot from the fucking start

561. the sky is falling, and guess what.

562. The sky fucking fell.

563. - Well, you kind of helped bring it down. - Oh, don't give me that bollocks.

564. Listen, Homelander thinks he's a fucking god.

565. Once he becomes immortal, he's gonna start killing like one,

566. and we are talking millions of people.

567. Now, are you telling me you're honestly happy to risk all of that

568. for a life on the run with your girl,

569. knowing that you could've stopped it?

570. You can live with that, can you?

571. What if it was Becca?

572. You'd just let her die?

573. I did let her die.

574. Look.

575. I know that Homelander comes first.

576. I really do.

577. All I'm asking is that we try.

578. Annie and Kimiko deserve that much.

579. Oi, Terror, no!

580. Oi, get out of there. Oh, bloody hell. Is that chocolate?

581. Isn't chocolate bad for dogs?

582. For a dog this old, it's fucking lethal. Oi!

583. Frenchie, you cunt! Get me some hydrogen peroxide, would you?

584. Okay, we have some in the first aid kit. Give me one second.

585. - What happened? - You poisoned me fucking dog.

586. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - What's going on?

587. Look, all you need is charcoal.

588. - We should call a vet. - They're gonna tell you

589. - you need charcoal. - Guys, we got this.

590. - Just give us some room. - I'll hold his mouth open, you pour.

591. Right? On the count of three. One, two, three.

592. Sorry, buddy.

593. There you go.

594. That's a— All right, all right.

595. - Oof. That's it. - Ew.

596. That's it. Good boy. You're all right.

597. You're gonna be all right, boy.

598. Fucking hell.

599. Hey. You want some turkey?

600. Well, first, you got to fuck me.

601. Then I'll give you the turkey.

602. Oi.

603. There he is, eh.

604. Oi. Hey, were you having a dream, were you?

605. Was it a goody?

606. How's he doing?

607. Yeah, he's all right.

608. Thank you for, uh...

609. Yeah. It's all good.

610. Oi.

611. Hughie.

612. Listen, uh...

613. If we do find that V1,

614. and if it don't fuck us, uh...

615. y-you can have some.

616. For Annie and, uh... Kimiko.

617. What about you?

618. Oi, but as soon as Frenchie's got that shite sorted,

619. we're using it, all right? Ready or not.

620. Ooh.

621. Yeah.

622. What you looking at?

623. Nothing.

624. And as for you, don't you ever fucking do that to me again, all right?

625. Good boy.

626. Now, I caught Blondie trying to give your wank-plush the boil wash,

627. but I know how you love the crunchy goods.

628. Yes, I do. I know how you love those crunchy goods. Yeah.

629. You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval is likely

630. to generate widespread civil unrest?

631. Local law can handle the suburbs, but we could use

632. extra hands in major metros.

633. All right, we'll recall all the Supes stationed overseas.

634. American heroes should be protecting America,

635. not Who-Gives-A-Fuckistan.

636. Great idea.

637. - Where to? - Crime analytics.

638. That was thrilling, wasn't it?

639. What a bright future we have ahead of us.

640. It was a real Guccione piss party.

641. Imagine how much more exciting it'll be when Homelander becomes immortal.

642. Mm.

643. Have you found the V1?

644. No.

645. Homelander hasn't gotten anything out of Stan Edgar?

646. No. But I haven't had a crack at him yet.

647. Jesus, give me a little personal space, will you, Garth?

648. Twenty-four-seven agents must be hard for someone so into scat play.

649. You realize I do actually work?

650. I was this close to convincing the FCC to pull every broadcast license but VNN.

651. Homelander feels this is more important.

652. What now?

653. The president and I stand by this decision.

654. We need our American Supes here in America.

655. Well, isn't it kind of sort of your fault for being invaded?

656. You might as well have been wearing a short skirt.

657. Man, those Ukrainians sure have a fucking mouth on them.

658. Remember, you're doing the Lord's work.

659. Word's out, Vought's stock is tanking.

660. The international markets are in freefall, and you're not

661. - the least bit concerned? - It's not about what I think.

662. It's what the man wants.

663. It's always what the man wants.

664. You want a drink?

665. So, we're at the Climate Change Summit in Reykjavík,

666. when the Swiss chancellor says we should all race our Gulfstreams.

667. The amount of CO2 we splooged out?

668. The air was chewy the next day, lolz.

669. Come on. What do you want from me, Sage?

670. What makes you think I want anything from you?

671. You haven't called me the poster child for late-term abortion once today.

672. Truth be told, you're not the one I want.

673. I know you know what Homelander's doing.

674. - He's going after the V1. - Wait, what?

675. And if he gets any—

676. - He lives forever. - What is V1?

677. And what do you mean Homelander lives forever?

678. I've done what I can to make sure he doesn't find any.

679. How do you know about this and I don't?

680. Have you two been talking without me?

681. Homelander is an open baby book, but Soldier Boy is tricky.

682. I need you to read his mind.

683. What he knows, where they're headed next,

684. and most importantly, if Soldier Boy is warming up to his sadistic rugrat.

685. Okay. I'm in.

686. The fuck you are.

687. - We're not conspiring against Homelander. - Hey.

688. Don't forget the Aung San Suu Kyi quote tramp stamped on our ass.

689. "The only real prison is fear."

690. - No, the only real prison is prison. - Ashley—

691. What do you think happens to you if I die?

692. I'm not about to risk my neck

693. because I let an overgrown boil do my thinking for me.

694. Okay, fine. Just stay.

695. Why? So you can play more mind games?

696. You gave me your answer. I heard you.

697. Now, don't make me drink alone.

698. I'm starving. Are you starving?

699. I'd kill for a chalupa right now.

700. I'd kill for a big, juicy dick.

701. Hey, we should call Gavin.

702. His girth was amazing, and, oh, man, the amount of spunk

703. he shot back here, we looked like Pepé Le Pew.

704. We are not booty-calling my high school boyfriend.

705. But he was so sweet. And Mom loved him, remember?

706. Yeah, well, Mom's dead, so she doesn't get a say,

707. - and neither do you. - What happened to her?

708. Cancer.

709. My grandmother, too.

710. What was she like? Your mother?

711. Tiny. And terrifying.

712. This one bitch, Harper Hewitt, used to make fun of my nose,

713. so my mom tells Mr. Hewitt that Mrs. Hewitt

714. has been railing the UPS guy, which she was.

715. That was Mom, bringing a nuke to a knife fight.

716. So, they moved.

717. And the rest of kindergarten was no sweat.

718. My folks shot me up with V, thinking I'd be a meal ticket.

719. And then, my power turned out to be smarts.

720. Which is the worst fucking one.

721. Try knowing what everyone really thinks of you all day.

722. Ooh, trust me.

723. The thing people hate more than just about anything

724. is feeling stupid.

725. So, when a three-year-old corrects your grammar or, oh, tells them

726. their "life dream yogurt shop" is doomed to fail,

727. they start to hate you, too.

728. Least my parents did.

729. So they dumped me at my grandma's.

730. But Grandma,

731. she was the only one who ever thought it was a gift.

732. I would quote Othello to her word for word,

733. and-and... she'd clap

734. and laugh her big laugh.

735. I'm still so pissed she is gone.

736. I used to want to be like my mom.

737. Strong. Pushy as fuck.

738. Didn't take shit from anyone.

739. You still can.

740. If you help me.

741. Fuck you.

742. You knew about my mom the whole time.

743. You drew it out of me just to soften me up.

744. - Did it work? - No. This is my fucking problem with you.

745. I know you've been working some big plan all year.

746. How am I supposed to trust you if I'm just a pawn in your fucked-up chess game?

747. All right.

748. If I tell you, will you help me?

749. I would heavily consider it.

750. Helping Homelander take control of the country is phase one.

751. It was only ever the beginning. Phase two is the end.

752. - The end of what? - The world.

753. After this Supe-killing virus is released—

754. - Wait, you want it released? - Oh, you bet I do.

755. After Supes realize humans are behind it, all hell will break loose.

756. Supes butchering humans, virus butchering Supes.

757. - Oh, fucking World War Supe. - I don't believe you.

758. Swear on my grandma's soul.

759. Why would you possibly want that?

760. 'Cause I'll be watching from my cozy bunker outside Colorado Springs.

761. And when it's all over, I can read all day every day,

762. no one bothering me.

763. Nothing but peace and quiet forever.

764. Which is why Homelander can't survive.

765. God, that needy asshole would never give me a moment's rest.

766. Yeah, defeats the whole purpose.

767. Don't worry. You're invited to my bunker.

768. You, too, Ashley.

769. Fuck.

770. - Would you like some knee pads? - Sorry? What?

771. You're looking at me like you want to suck my hog.

772. So I'm asking you if you would like some knee pads.

773. Go easy on the little guy.

774. - He brought me Stan Edgar. - Thank you, sir.

775. You may leave.

776. What crawled up your shithole?

777. No idea what you mean.

778. When you're pissy,

779. you tend to make everybody else's lives pissy, too.

780. Stan Edgar still stonewalling you?

781. I've talked to him three times now.

782. Says he has no idea where the V1 is. Heart rate steady as a rock.

783. I'm starting to believe him.

784. That slippery fuck used to fetch my cocaine.

785. You know what? I have an idea.

786. Why don't I take a crack at him?

787. What, you don't trust me?

788. Well, you did lock me in a room with nuclear material

789. and, uh, tried to stop me getting the V1,

790. so I'm sure you can understand my hesitance.

791. You could've killed me at Fort Harmony, but you didn't.

792. - Maybe I feel like I owe you. - Or maybe you're lying.

793. Maybe.

794. Give me an hour.

795. I'll meet you at Edgar's cell.

796. My, my, how the mighty have fucked themselves square in the ass.

797. Don't shit where you eat, Stan.

798. So, you've called in reinforcements.

799. I wanted to see the prick that sold me out to the Reds.

800. It wasn't personal. It was a business decision.

801. We had your replacement model on the way.

802. Even as a toddler, Homelander showed more promise than you ever did.

803. Not that it amounted to much.

804. When have you ever done anything

805. remotely interesting or original?

806. My power is absolute, Stan.

807. At heights no one's even dreamed of.

808. I'd call that pretty fucking original.

809. Nothing that the lowest speck

810. of this pointless species couldn't have thought of,

811. were they to be granted your level of power.

812. Why am I still alive?

813. Oh, because you're useful, Stan.

814. - And I always wanted a pet. - Perhaps.

815. Or is it because you are so desperate for daddy figures

816. that you can't even bring yourself to kill the ones who hate you.

817. At least that's something he and I have in common.

818. Do you want to die, Stan?

819. Jesus.

820. You could get pregnant with all the eye-fucking.

821. Tempe, Arizona.

822. Is that supposed to mean something?

823. Well, I had the eggheads in crime analytics

824. track down your granddaughter, Zoe,

825. and her dad.

826. They're in Tempe, Arizona.

827. So...

828. where is the V1?

829. As I told you, I genuinely don't know.

830. But...

831. I may know someone who does.

832. You should go and see Mister Marathon in L.A.

833. He's always had an intense interest in Vought's history.

834. It should be a delightful reunion.

835. Homelander, it is really, uh, really good to see you.

836. Um, why— Uh, you know, what-what brings you by?

837. - Relax. We're just here to talk. - Yeah, yeah, great, awesome.

838. And Soldier Boy, wow. Big fan, sir.

839. I actually, uh, popped my cherry in your Underoos.

840. Nice.

841. So you were part of The Seven?

842. Uh, I was, I was. You know, until this one replaced me with A-Train.

843. Check it out. Come on.

844. Well, you're only the world's fastest man

845. as long as you're the world's fastest man, Champ, and you got slow.

846. It was one race. You never gave me the chance to win it back, boss.

847. Hey, check this one out.

848. Grossed 35 mil.

849. On a $200 million budget.

850. - These aren't even Vought films. - What's the difference?

851. These were made where washed-up Supes go to die.

852. Sony Pictures TV.

853. It's a legit studio.

854. And I save half on their TVs.

855. And maybe we're not part of the official VCU,

856. and maybe we can't mention Vought or, you know, any licensed Vought hero,

857. but, hey, I'm still making magic.

858. That and I, uh, I sling a little bit on the side.

859. Blow, pills, Ozempic, whatever you need.

860. Fastest dealer in town.

861. All right, come on. The gang will be psyched to meet you.

862. Did you guys hear? They rounded up Aziz, Macaulay,

863. - Joaquin, Kiefer, Meryl. - I also heard they got Benedict.

864. - Wong or Cumberbatch? - Both.

865. - Fuck! - I know. Dude, what the fuck, Malchemical?

866. Get your boys in check, huh?

867. Just 'cause I'm a Supe doesn't mean I truck in that fascist shit.

868. - We need to do something. - why?

869. 'Cause we're storytellers, dude.

870. - Yeah. - Our superpower

871. is we inspire hearts and minds.

872. Look at the characters we create:

873. - Luke Skywalker, Katniss, Gandhi. - Oh, bitch please.

874. Come on, like Mark Hamill, J-Law, and Sir Ben Kingsley

875. do anything but collect their fucking residuals.

876. - They're very engaged. - Look, here's what we do.

877. We all post about this simultaneously on Instagram.

878. - Yes. - Black squares on the main feed.

879. - Black Lives Matter did black squares. - Fuck. You're right.

880. We do blue squares on the grid.

881. - 'Cause blue lives matter. That's totally different. - I wouldn't post that.

882. Is there any color that hasn't been taken by some fucking group?

883. - What about white? - Well...

884. Oh, ooh, ooh, I'll get Lena Dunham to write an editorial for The Atlantic.

885. - Oh, yeah. - It's like, that'll really rate. - She's great.

886. - That has great readership. - She's a great writer.

887. - She's a very persuasive— - Universally beloved.

888. Whatever, fuck sticks.

889. Look, best day of my life was when they executed Hader.

890. Right? More offer-onlys for the Forte.

891. Hey, do we think Michael Cera's a Starlighter?

892. 'Cause we're up for the same part right now,

893. and it'd be pretty good if he got vanished.

894. We've been friends with him for 20 years, Chris.

895. - Yeah, but I really need this part, man. - Oh, no. Oh, no.

896. - 'Sup? - Homelander.

897. Soldier Boy. Wow.

898. I'm Will. Remember me? I'm the one who turned in Channing Tatum.

899. Seth Rogen. We actually met once before, uh, with Black Noir

900. at the premiere for Silent Vengeance 3: Vengeance Reloaded.

901. Big fan. I'm actually, uh, testifying in front of Congress for you, you know,

902. outing suspected Starlighters.

903. Spoiler alert: Post Malone.

904. You need to get the fuck away from me right now.

905. - You bet, yeah. - Yeah.

906. We came here looking for something.

907. What do you know about V1?

908. You've come to the right place.

909. Here you go.

910. Oh, yeah, Vought yanked that one from newsstands after Kent State.

911. Good times.

912. - How'd you end up with it? - Some old bitch on eBay.

913. I paid 20 bucks. I mean, it'd go for half a mil at auction easy.

914. Yeah, Dr. Vought was a, was a titan, a visionary.

915. He was a pansy with a German accent and sweaty palms.

916. He was a complicated guy.

917. Do you or do you not have V1?

918. I-I don't.

919. But Bombsight does.

920. He does.

921. - That piece of shit's still alive? - Yeah.

922. Yeah, he was my best customer for a long time.

923. What makes you think he has it?

924. One night, he was tweaked out of his gourd,

925. and he told me he had some,

926. - and I believe him. - Where is he?

927. Me and Bombsight are still cool.

928. Wh-Why don't we all just hang out for a sec, and I-I'll call him.

929. He'll-he'll fly right over.

930. I scooped this up from Bogotá while you were taking a piss.

931. - Mm. - I mean, for the Soldier Boy,

932. - nothing but the best. - Mm.

933. Seth?

934. Oh. No, I actually hate weed.

935. I just pretend to like it for my brand, so I can sell ashtrays to suckers.

936. Um... Yo, Homelander.

937. Uh, you want to hit this?

938. It is my life goal to smoke you out, homie.

939. Don't call me that.

940. Homelander.

941. It's good to see you again.

942. - Do I know you? - Yeah.

943. Uh, we met, like, six times. Malchemical.

944. Make deadly gasses.

945. Did that whole campaign with Gas-X.

946. That's embarrassing.

947. Homelander still as weird as he was when I was there?

948. Well, I wasn't there back then, but yes.

949. So, get this. One time, at Les Deux,

950. Mischa Barton wanted to suck him off, right?

951. He spent two hours talking to her

952. about Nietzsche, then left when she stepped on his cape.

953. Ugh. That fucking cape.

954. Like a baby with a blanket.

955. Pretty sure he jerks off into it. Probably why it's so stiff.

956. Say that again.

957. Oh, can't you take a fucking joke?

958. Say it again.

959. Thought as much.

960. If Bombsight's not coming, I'm leaving.

961. No, he's on his way, be here any minute. I swear.

962. Nah, I'm done.

963. - Oh, shit. - By the way... Hey!

964. I heard you all.

965. And I want you all to know

966. that very soon, gentlemen, you are going to pay

967. for your sick posts and your hateful memes.

968. Especially the memes.

969. What, no, no, no, no.

970. - I-It was Kumail and Seth's idea. - What?

971. - Fuck you, Forte! That— - I-I was against it. I was against it.

972. It was, it was fucking his idea, man!

973. He is just sucking your dick so you can help his shitty fucking career.

974. Take them, okay?

975. Shit, I-I'll take 'em out for you right now.

976. Oh, really, yeah? You want to take me, bitch?

977. - I'm fucking yoked now. - Shut up, Forte. - Really? Okay—

978. - Forte, you're making this worse— - I'm not!

979. Everybody, stop!

980. We really should round up Michael Cera.

981. Homelander.

982. - S-Sorry. Quick question. - What?

983. Oh, for fuck's sakes.

984. - Ooh! - Who's memorable now?

985. - What the fuck? - Easy. Easy. Easy.

986. - Can we fuck off, please? - Chill out, MacGruber. Everything's cool.

987. Hey, man, we don't have a problem with you, honest,

988. but-but-but-but fuck this fucking guy.

989. You know, he fucked my life.

990. Look, i-if you help us get rid of him, then we all win, and you,

991. you can have The Seven.

992. And I don't even, like, really care if you bring me back or whatever.

993. I don't need to kill him to get The Seven.

994. No, yeah, of course not,

995. but what about all that creepy shit he's doing with that church?

996. I mean, they're rounding up everybody cool,

997. all the hookers, the drug dealers.

998. They want to ban porn.

999. - I mean, they want to ban fucking abortions. - Yeah.

1000. Okay, well, banning abortion would be a big problem for me personally.

1001. Exactly, for all of us.

1002. S-So, if we kill him, w-we can stop worrying about being

1003. cops or-or-or gods or-or asexual weirdos.

1004. You know, we can go back to fucking and-and being fucking awesome.

1005. Look, we know you've got that fucked-up chest blast thing.

1006. I mean, I was at Herogasm. I saw it.

1007. Just finish him now.

1008. Take away his powers, so we can curb stomp him

1009. while we have the chance.

1010. He is a fucking asexual weirdo.

1011. - Yeah. - Yeah.

1012. But as much as it pains me to say this,

1013. he's my fucking asexual weirdo.

1014. - Nobody fucks my son but me. - What?

1015. That came out wrong.

1016. Oh!

1017. - Whoa! - Oh, fuck!

1018. Oh! What the fuck?

1019. Danny Trejo need to stick to acting.

1020. Them tacos fucked my shit up.

1021. Soldier Boy.

1022. 911. What's your emergency?

1023. Yeah, please send police right now. We're gonna die.

1024. - Okay. What is the address? - I don't know the address.

1025. - Do you know the address? - I don't know the address.

1026. - Oh, fuck. Fuck. Don't kill— Please don't kill us. - Shut up. Shut up.

1027. I'm not gonna kill you.

1028. I'm gonna get you out of here, but you need to do exactly as I say.

1029. Go. Go.

1030. Fuck!

1031. No! No!

1032. What'd you do to me, man?

1033. Seth.

1034. Fuck. Hey, hey.

1035. - Hey, hey, hey. - Is-is it bad?

1036. Well, uh...

1037. I-I didn't mean to.

1038. I don't want to die, man.

1039. It's gonna be okay.

1040. I'll remember you

1041. - every time I watch An American Pickle. - What?

1042. Fuck!

1043. Does Bombsight really have it?

1044. Fuck you! I'm gonna rip your balls off and stuff 'em down your throat.

1045. That'd be like trying to shove two grapefruits through a garden hose.

1046. Does Bombsight have the V1?

1047. Oh, God!

1048. Yes, yes! Okay, yes! That part was true.

1049. I swear to fucking God, man.

1050. - He's got it. - Where is he?

1051. - I don't know. - Where the fuck is he?

1052. I don't know. I haven't talked to him in, like, five years, I swear, man.

1053. I swear to God. Please.

1054. What happened?

1055. I took care of it.

1056. Why?

1057. Because fuck them.

1058. That's why.

1059. I don't think this micro-prick was lying.

1060. Bombsight has the V1. We just got to find him.

1061. Also, um...

1062. I've been fucking Firecracker.

1063. But out of respect for you, that's, uh... that's done.

1064. Plus, her pillow talk was getting to be a real drag.

1065. Pillow talk?

1066. Homelander.

1067. How was L.A.?

1068. Did you catch tonight's Truthbomb?

1069. I did indeed.

1070. And it was a real barnburner.

1071. - Well done. - Thank you, sir.

1072. That means the world.

1073. How's sex with my father?

1074. Is he good at it?

1075. Are you thinking about me

1076. when you're making love to him?

1077. I never meant to cross a line

1078. - or offend you in— - Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

1079. Don't fret, little one.

1080. I don't care about the sex, really.

1081. But I do care about your little chats after sex.

1082. Sir, whatever Soldier Boy told you, I can assure you that I—

1083. You mean, uh, your inner turmoil when it comes to me and, uh...

1084. Jesus?

1085. Are you thinking of Jesus when you're praising me?

1086. No, you are my one and only savior.

1087. You s-say that, but your jagged little heart is whirring like a hummingbird.

1088. You're supposed to worship me.

1089. Love me.

1090. And me alone.

1091. - I do. - I believed in you.

1092. Turns out...

1093. you don't believe in me.

1094. I need you to collect your things...

1095. and leave.

1096. But I do believe in you.

1097. I love you.

1098. I am the only one here who ever has!

1099. I gave you everything.

1100. I gave you my soul.

1101. Everybody else here, they're just...

1102. they're just scared of you.

1103. Or they want something from you, but I have always loved you for you.

1104. Just the strongest, smartest,

1105. best man on Earth.

1106. Man?

1107. No, no, no, no, no. A god. No.

1108. No, the God.

1109. My Lord, that look you used to get when you'd suckle me?

1110. I felt like Mother Mary herself.

1111. I felt blessed to nourish someone as...

1112. important as you.

1113. But nothing I ever did was good enough, was it?

1114. You cast me out into the cold.

1115. Which was so much worse than never feeling your warmth in the first place.

1116. So all I have been trying to do

1117. is to get you to see me the way that you used to.

1118. Hell, only reason I was with Soldier Boy was because your reflected light...

1119. is better than no light at all.

1120. Please, sir.

1121. I love you.

1122. We all need love, don't we?

1123. Even God.