The Boondocks 2x5

1. We now return to

2. "Rags to Bitches."

3. The story of Thugnificent begins here...

4. in the projects of Terra-Belle, Georgia,

5. one of the poorest and toughest towns in the country.

6. Terra-Belle leads Georgia in homicides, infant mortality,

7. AIDS, and everything else bad.

8. Yeah, you know, in Latin they say

9. "terra belle" means "beautiful earth."

10. But in Georgia, Terra-Belle means,

11. "fucked-up place to live."

12. Terrible Terra-Belle.

13. Yes, sir. That's our name for it.

14. Now, this right here is where I grew up.

15. I seen everything, man. Everything.

16. I seen a nigga get killed right over there, you know?

17. They beat him up, stomped him,

18. shot the dude, stomped the nigga again,

19. and then I seen 'em take a dump on the dude.

20. I swear to God, man, they actually, like,

21. shot a deuce on this nigga, man.

22. You know what I'm saying? They shat on the nigga, man.

23. And I started thinking to myself: "Man...

24. what did he do to make them niggas that mad?"

25. Now, right over here,

26. that's where the police station used to be.

27. Yeah, they must not have liked that location much,

28. 'cause, uh, they up and left.

29. So where's the new police station?

30. What? Nigga, there was no more police station after that.

31. Pigs got the fuck up outta here.

32. That's when they put

33. this big-ass fence up around the city.

34. So, what was it like

35. growing up in a place like this?

36. It was hard, you know? A lot of people don't know

37. that places like this even exist in America.

38. They don't know how dirty the South really gets.

39. Mm-hm.

40. Hey! That's a damn shame.

41. But that's real shit, though, nigga.

42. You got naked kids.

43. You got parents gotta choose between food and clothes

44. for their kids, shorty.

45. Or for themselves.

46. It's real out here, nigga.

47. I think he's in there.

48. There's probably gonna be a lot of orgies.

49. - I can't believe it. -It's not true.

50. This is, like, the greatest thing

51. that ever happened in our neighborhood.

52. where you can, like, track, like, if someone, like,

53. does anything weird.

54. What in the hell?

55. What's going on? What's going on?

56. Well, he's moving in. Who?

57. You really should come to more of

58. the community council meetings, Robert.

59. I ain't worried about no damn council meeting.

60. Tell me who's moving in.

61. He's coming, you guys!

62. Everybody get ready! Oh, my gosh.

63. Totally, you know. Like, oh, my gosh.

64. Get ready, you guys.

65. You guys, he's coming.

66. Wait, wait, wait. I know that song.

67. Thugnificent!

68. Thugnificent! Thugnificent, wait!

69. Oh, man!

70. Thugnificent and the Lethal Interjections living here.

71. Thug who? Thugnificent.

72. I can't believe it.

73. Wait up. Wait up.

74. Alright, Thugnificent!

75. That's right, y'all. Put your hands up, white folks!

76. 'Cause Thugnificent's in the motherfucking...

77. Man, I wanna go over there,

78. but I don't wanna dick ride, you know?

79. Would that be dick riding? You think? To go over there?

80. What it do, Woodcrest? Ha-ha!

81. What's 'hood in the Wood, white folks?

82. I just wanna say we happy to be out here

83. in our new crib in Woodcrest...

84. A'ight. What if I just go over there

85. and give him a pound and be like, "What up, Thugnificent?"

86. Like, not really all on his sac or nothing? Yeah.

87. I'm here for everybody.

88. Get back here, Riley.

89. - Aw, come on, Granddad. -Oh, no.

90. I'll be right —

91. My house is your house. All is yours.

92. I don't want either of you going near that house. You hear me?

93. I might buy everything.

94. Know what? Uh, I don't wanna dick ride.

95. So I'm gonna just, uh, go back to the house.

96. our new crib in Woodcrest,

97. with all these trees and white bitches and lemonade

98. and bagels and shit.

99. But you know how we do.

100. We bring the 'hood with us, right here.

101. Now let's make it rain.

102. Yeah. This is fantastic.

103. Ha-ha. Whoo. That's right, nigga.

104. I'm about to do it big in Woodcrest, nigga.

105. Right across the street, I'm gonna put a club.

106. Uh, next door is gonna be my detail shop.

107. Nigga, I'm about to clear all this shit out. Ha-ha!

108. Welcome to

109. the neighborhood.

110. Huh? That's right, y'all. Thugnificent bringing the 'hood

111. to this very street. Heh-heh.

112. The ghetto is here, y'all. Heh.

113. Ain't this a bitch?

114. Who in the hell left the gate open?

115. 'cause I love it. Heh.

116. What up, old nigga?

117. You got some words of welcome

118. for all this Thugnificence?

119. Come on over here. Do it big, man.

120. Thug out with the homey.

121. Mm-mm. Nappy-headed hos.

122. Oh, yeah? Well, fuck you, old-ass nigga!

123. Stop hating and get money, my nigga.

124. You just mad at all this Thugnificence.

125. Respect it, man!

126. breathe it in, nigga. Bask in it.

127. Now, where were we?

128. Uh, I don't know. I — I think it's pretty cool, I guess,

129. having a big celebrity move in.

130. Well, I don't really know much about him,

131. but my two teenage kids are very excited.

132. You know, they love him.

133. They have the CD diskettes and the video games

134. and the dungarees with his name on the, um, pocket.

135. I don't want them damn niggas

136. living across the street from me. Shoot.

137. Paid too much money for my house. Funny-ass music.

138. "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."

139. Get 'em outta here.

140. I'm gonna kill this motherfucker.

141. Thugnificent and his cohorts,

142. Macktastic and Flonominal,

143. formed the Lethal Interjection Crew

144. and tasted success early with the smash club anthem

145. "Booty-Butt Cheeks."

146. Now Thugnificent has a new

147. multimillion-dollar major-label deal,

148. a new house in the suburbs,

149. and a new album, "Rags to Bitches."

150. You see, "Rags to Bitches" is more than a album.

151. You know what I'm sayin'? I consider it as a movement.

152. The way I'm looking at it, I'm picking up where

153. Malcolm X left off, nigga. It's that big.

154. This is the movement that says, you know —

155. "Don't grow up and act like a fucking fool all the time,

156. and you can still make it up out the 'hood

157. and enjoy everything that life has to offer."

158. It's like somebody threw a million dollars

159. into the monkey cage at the zoo.

160. It breaks my heart to watch

161. the "negridation" of this decent place.

162. Well, we can't live next to their kind.

163. We have kids.

164. I ain't gonna stand for it.

165. We were here first. Right.

166. What we gonna do?

167. Well, I'd sell my house if I thought

168. it was still worth anything.

169. Why don't you just invite them over for dinner

170. and get to know one another?

171. Yeah.

172. I guess I could do that.

173. What's happening, nigga?

174. Where the chicken wings and the doughnuts at?

175. What the fuck you got to eat in this bitch, nigga?

176. Mm-mm. That shit ain't happening.

177. What the hell going on out here?

178. Hey! Shut up all that damn noise!

179. I'm a old man. Y'all need to listen to some Nat King Cole

180. and some Johnny Mathis.

181. No.

182. Why don't you call her, then?

183. That's what I'm talkin' about here.

184. Hey, hey, hey. Little homey.

185. Hulk up, my nigga.

186. You ain't got no drink?

187. Get some of this Incredible Hulk, little nigga.

188. Thanks, man.

189. Hey, my name is Riley,

190. and I live across the street.

191. Oh, with the mean old man?

192. Yeah, that's my granddad.

193. Don't mind him. He a hater.

194. Look, I don't wanna be dick riding

195. or nothing, you know.

196. I just wanna say that I like your music.

197. And, uh, you know, this is my turf over here,

198. and I'm holding it down for all the young G's.

199. So, you know, holler at your man

200. if you need anything.

201. I ain't on your nuts, though.

202. Oh, man. Respect, little partner.

203. Hey, this little nigga's all right, y'all.

204. Hey! Nigga, get your motherfucking feet

205. off the table.

206. You know your mama taught you better than that,

207. ghetto-ass nigga.

208. Get your mother— hey!

209. Who put the motherfucking Kool-Aid...

210. in the Jacuzzi?

211. WOMAN #2: Whoo!

212. So then I say to R. Kelly,

213. "Did you wash your hands?"

214. Hey, for real? On the real?

215. Yo, this little nigga funny, man.

216. Come on.

217. This little nigga like

218. Charlie Murphy or some shit, man.

219. Hey, man. This your brother?

220. Hello. Goodbye.

221. Yo, nigga. Your brother told us

222. how you be all into reading and shit.

223. Hey, that's some real good shit, my nigga, for real.

224. Congratulations, nigga.

225. Did you just congratulate me for reading?

226. Word. Oh, yeah, man, you know,

227. good shit, homey.

228. Word. You know what I mean? You know, that reading shit,

229. you know what I mean, it's hard, son.

230. Word. You know what I mean? Word.

231. You know what I mean? Especially when them books be

232. you know what I mean, you know,

233. really thick and heavy-like, you know what I mean?

234. Word. You know what I mean?

235. Uh, we're gonna take off.

236. This doesn't seem to be a place for kids.

237. The fuck you talking about, man?

238. We got PlayStation and Xbox, nigga.

239. And we got Incredible Hulks, nigga.

240. All the kids is welcome, motherfucker.

241. WOMAN #3: Who called me a bitch?

242. Huh?

243. Get your drunk ass outta here.

244. Ahh!

245. What the fuck? My yard.

246. 911 emergency. I'll hold.

247. Uh, okay.

248. So that's complaint number 34457-dash-2,

249. regarding excessive noise,

250. people walking around

251. where they don't want them to be,

252. eating outside

253. when they think they should be inside at a table.

254. Uh-oh.

255. You filed a complaint against me, old man?

256. You filed a complaint against Thugnificent?

257. Fine. It's on now.

258. Rap beef, nigga. Punk-ass motherfucker.

259. Geritol nigga. Bitch-ass nigga.

260. Do something, nigga. Man, fuck that.

261. Thugnificent's rags-to-bitches story

262. took an unexpected turn recently

263. when he moved into his first home

264. in the super-elite suburb of Woodcrest.

265. Several of the neighborhood's black residents

266. filed a complaint

267. to have Thugnificent forced out of the neighborhood.

268. Let me ask you something.

269. How did it make you feel

270. knowing that this neighborhood's black residents

271. didn't want you here?

272. Man, that hurt more than anything, you know?

273. To be stabbed in the back by your own people?

274. And for no reason? Man, we been good neighbors.

275. Superb, homey. Exemplary.

276. I feel sorry for 'em, though,

277. 'cause they must have forgot

278. where they came from.

279. You don't know where I came from.

280. I'm from a small town called

281. whip a rapper's little narrow country ass. And you —

282. Hey. Put that camera back over here.

283. I ain't finished my damn line.

284. And y'all are making me homesick.

285. There, now stick that up your ass.

286. Eat a dick, old man.

287. You fucking-ass, punk, old pussy-ass man.

288. Eat a sack of baby dicks,

289. motherfucker.

290. Yo, welcome back, welcome back. It's your boy, T.

291. Alright, let's get into something brand new,

292. the club banger, "Eff Granddad" by my man —

293. that's my boy, my friend, Thugnificent.

294. You know what it is. Fatman scoop on the radio right here.

295. New Thugnificent, "Eff Granddad,"

296. the first dis record against somebody's family member.

297. And it's got my main man,

298. Nate "Doggity" Dogg, on the hook.

299. Check it out.

300. Eat a dick, nigga!

301. Yeah.

302. Snitch.

303. Yeah. Soul, nigga. Uh.

304. Yo, that was crazy.

305. What in the hell was that? Was that about me?

306. Man, tell me you didn't think that was hot.

307. Oh, wait, wait. Let me guess.

308. You gonna hate on it

309. just 'cause they was talkin' about you.

310. You need to stop with the hate crimes, granddad.

311. That wasn't even me.

312. That was that nigga from Friday,

313. dressed like me. I'll sue.

314. You might wanna go over there and talk to them

315. before this gets outta hand.

316. You know what? Fuck them.

317. They can make all the silly little videos they want.

318. When the council vote on my complaint,

319. they'll be out of the neighborhood.

320. Dang, granddad. Heh.

321. I always knew you was a hater,

322. but I never thought you'd be famous for it.

323. Goodbye, Thugnificent.

324. Tom.

325. Oh, uh— heh-heh.

326. Hey, Robert.

327. But, Tom, you filed the complaint with me.

328. Yeah. Then I thought about it,

329. and I just went over there and met the guys.

330. And turns out they're not so bad.

331. A little country, maybe, you know.

332. They use the word "thar" instead of "there."

333. But, Tom. I thought we were in this together.

334. Yeah.

335. I know.

336. Me, too.

337. This is... really uncomfortable,

338. so I'm just gonna mosey.

339. Mm-hm.

340. Hello?

341. Yo, this X. Who's this?

342. Uh, hey, there. This is, uh, Granddad.

343. Uh, you did some work on my car?

344. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

345. You talking about the granddad from the Thugnificent song?

346. Oh-ho, shit.

347. Man, that's my shit right there. Man, I love that song.

348. They roasted you.

349. Man, how'd it go? How'd that go?

350. Man, they killed you.

351. Yeah, see, that's actually why I'm calling.

352. See, I'm gonna make my own rap

353. about Thugnificent and embarrass him.

354. Hey, yo. You never gonna guess who on the phone.

355. And did you know that fool parked cars on my yard?

356. I'm gonna rap about that, too.

357. So, uh, XYZ, uh, whatever your name is,

358. I was wondering if you would be interested

359. in rapping with me on this song?

360. See, I'll rap first, and you can come in and rap second.

361. But no curse words.

362. And none of them crazy metaphors —

363. "Your breasts look like two mountains."

364. None of that garbage. Just stick to the point.

365. Can you turn me up in the headphones?

366. Granddad, you're only making things much, much worse.

367. Oh, hush, boy. I can rap.

368. Big Tank, please make it hot, player.

369. Yeah, this rap go out to Punknificent

370. and all his fans.

371. This motherfucker went YouTube?

372. No, this nigga didn't.

373. It's really on now. Oh, hell no.

374. This little fucking bitch-ass, old-ass nigga.

375. Hey, yo, word to mother—

376. Hello?

377. Oh, hey, hey, Mom.

378. What's — What's going on, ma?

379. Ma... I ain't threaten no old people.

380. Come on, Ma. That ain't even my style, Ma.

381. This little old dude, Ma. Just one.

382. Ma, I really need to call you back, please.

383. 'Cause I do. Mom, I'm in a meeting.

384. Mommy. Can I call you back, please, Ma?

385. Oh, okay, okay, cool.

386. I will. I'm gonna call you back, Mommy.

387. I love you, too.

388. Hey, are we gonna fuck this old-ass nigga up?

389. Now, you know, I don't hate old people.

390. It's just sometimes, you gotta let 'em know

391. not to get it twisted.

392. Just 'cause you lived a long life,

393. don't mean it can't come to a short end, nigga.

394. What's up, world? This is Sway.

395. Law-enforcement sources have confirmed

396. that two Cleveland teens have been arrested

397. for assaulting this man while reciting the lyrics

398. to Thugnificent's hit, "Eff Granddad."

399. One of the teens reportedly told police,

400. "I beat up old people because Thugnificent does it,

401. and that makes it cool."

402. It wasn't the last incident.

403. Recently, a rash of elderly assaults

404. attributed to the beef have broke out,

405. including two in Lithuania and one in Tokyo.

406. The AARP announced a boycott of Thugnificent's record label.

407. It's feared that the protest

408. could soon explode into more violence.

409. Man, Thugnificent ain't telling nobody

410. to beat up no old people.

411. I don't even really see how someone could even

412. get something like that outta that song.

413. Thugnificent is talking about

414. what he's going through,

415. so maybe a young person listening

416. won't have to go through the same shit.

417. You smell me? You know,

418. people always wanna —

419. You know what I mean?

420. HUEY:

421. Ladies and gentlemen,

422. what started as a simple disagreement between neighbors

423. has devolved into senseless, ignorant, self-destructive

424. generational tribalism.

425. Fortunately, a robust exchange of ideas has taken place,

426. and we are hopeful to having a resolution shortly.

427. Thank you.

428. He lets me whup him, we can call it even.

429. What's a nigga want? Try to whup me.

430. Whup your ass, nigga.

431. You know who you messin' with, nigga?

432. Would somebody here please be an adult?

433. You're neighbors. You have to live together.

434. Hey, man, you know what?

435. Somebody here needs to be an adult.

436. We're neighbors.

437. We have to learn to live together.

438. Yeah. Exactly.

439. Exactly. That's what I'm talking about.

440. That's a really grown-up way

441. to look at it, Thugnificent.

442. Not that I'm pole-jocking or nothing.

443. Hey, everybody good in here? Beverages?

444. What about you, big guy? You good?

445. Hey.

446. Let me get that for you, homey.

447. Any of y'all need a coaster?

448. Let me go get y'all these coasters right quick.

449. Now, old man, we feel like

450. we been very courteous neighbors.

451. Courteous. What about the loud party?

452. Nigga, you gave us permission to have that party.

453. That's not my signature.

454. Hey, uh, I think I'm gonna go

455. whip y'all up a little snack or something.

456. Who's up for guacamole?

457. I make some mean guacamole —

458. Well, what about parking all those damn cars

459. on my yard and ruining my lawn?

460. Man, how was we to know valet was parking cars on your yard?

461. Niggas was passed out by then.

462. We was fixing to come over and apologize.

463. But then you had to go off and start filing complaints

464. and doing all that old gay shit.

465. And you know what hurts me

466. Is that you didn't respect us enough as homeowners

467. to just talk things out in a neighborly fashion.

468. That's a really powerful sentiment

469. you just expressed right there, Thugnificent.

470. Well, what about all that stuff in the video, huh?

471. Oh, nigga, that was just entertainment.

472. You being real sensitive right now, man.

473. Yeah, man. Anybody could see

474. that that was a satirical ass-beating.

475. Granddad, if you apologize to Thugnificent

476. for filing the complaint,

477. then I'm sure, Thugnificent,

478. you will be willing to apologize for the video.

479. Hell, no, I ain't apologizing, punk-ass nigga.

480. Kiss my ass, old-ass nigga.

481. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Please. Stupid-ass—

482. Can we at least agree,

483. for the sake of old people everywhere,

484. that there will be no more dis records?

485. Fine, whatever. I spits hot fire.

486. I'll eat your ass up on the M-I-C,

487. if you keep messing with me.

488. You gonna pay for my lawn, boy.

489. Eat a dick, old nigga.

490. Yeah, you know, what Rags to Bitches means

491. is that there's more to life than what you're born into.

492. There's also bitches.