The Boondocks 2x3

1. Yo. What up?

2. Yo, can you hear me?

3. Yeah, I see you, too. What you want, nigga?

4. Oh, man, same shit. What's up with you?

5. The fuck you mean, "What's up with me?"

6. I'm sittin' right here next to you.

7. Your voice sounds real sexy right now.

8. Say what?

9. You wanna talk to me later on?

10. No, I don't wanna talk later on, motherfucker.

11. What the fuck is wrong with you?

12. What the fuck's so sexy about my voice?

13. Aw, man, my bad. I was on the phone.

14. Oh, great. You got one of those ridiculous fuckin' headsets.

15. Man, I don't know what you be talking about.

16. Bitches like this shit, man.

17. They be thinkin' I'm one of them Mens in Black

18. or somethin' like that, you know?

19. They think I got big things goin' on, you know?

20. They be wondering where the black limo is at

21. when they see — All they see is the headpiece,

22. they assume it's a black limo. Know what I'm sayin'?

23. Uh, h-hold up, hold up, hold up. This the house right here.

24. Okay, okay, check it out.

25. Last week, right, I was in the strip club, right.

26. I had titties in one hand, titties in the other hand.

27. I had two hands full of titties.

28. That's bigger than two scoops of raisins.

29. I'm still talkin' to my accountant at the same time.

30. What's not to like about that?

31. Okay. First of all, I don't know when you talkin' to me

32. or when you're talkin' on the goddamn phone.

33. Second, when people wear those things,

34. they appear to be talkin' to theyselves.

35. There's a name for people who talk to theyselves, Ed.

36. They're called the homeless.

37. Man, bitches love this Bluetooth shit. Changed my life.

38. I don't know what to do with my hands now.

39. Be that as it may, no technology is worth my dignity.

40. If talking on a wireless headset mean I gotta look

41. like Buck Rogers, then I'm not interested.

42. Besides, there's a reason

43. why people hold the phone to their head, Ed.

44. It lets people around you know you're talkin' on the phone.

45. So those people know not to waste time talkin' to you

46. until you're finished,

47. which you indicate by puttin' that motherfucker away.

48. ED: You know, I like the way your booty looks

49. when you bend over. I like that a lot.

50. Very sexy.

51. Mm-hm. I can make it over there later.

52. Yeah, I'm real ready.

53. I hate these fucking headsets.

54. It was the third house to get robbed

55. in Woodcrest in less than a week.

56. The police were talking

57. to everyone on our street for clues.

58. came from that area over there, uh, running...

59. Well, almost everyone.

60. do they gallop still?

61. He had a gallopy gait to him.

62. Officer, I'm not finished.

63. Hello, sir, I'm Officer Calloway.

64. I'm here to — I didn't see nothin',

65. I don't know nothin'. Cheers.

66. Uh... cheers.

67. Granddad really didn't know

68. anything about the break-ins.

69. But his unwillingness to talk with the police

70. is a common trait with black people.

71. It's no secret that black people

72. are culturally inclined against snitching.

73. Hey, I ain't seen nothin'.

74. Hell, nah!

75. Man, fuck yo' mama!

76. But recently, what was once

77. an unwritten rule about snitching

78. has become a full-blown "stop snitching" movement,

79. complete with merchandising.

80. Take the murder of 19-year-old Jermaine "Lojack" Walker,

81. who was shot during a street-basketball tournament

82. in the middle of a summer afternoon

83. in front of at least 300 eyewitnesses.

84. Nobody even called the cops. They all just went home.

85. But despite the cultural stigma against it,

86. a whopping one in 12 black men in poor neighborhoods

87. is an active informant.

88. You damn right, Mr. Policeman! I saw the whole thing!

89. That means every party...

90. every cookout...

91. every wedding...

92. probably has someone secretly working as an informant.

93. Where I live,

94. snitchin' is more like a recreational hobby.

95. They even have a club for snitches.

96. It's called the neighborhood watch.

97. No snitchin'!

98. Hold it right there, boy!

99. Woodcrest neighborhood watch.

100. Now, where was you at 11:00 last night, huh? Huh?

101. Come on, now! Don't lie to me, nigga!

102. Nigga, I was in bed.

103. No, you wasn't. I seen you with my own eye.

104. You was robbing white people's houses, wasn't you?

105. And— Oh, look at them wheels!

106. The law say when the bicycle stop,

107. the wheels supposed to stop.

108. You need a special permit for wheels like that.

109. Oh, come back here!

110. I'm calling the police. Stop!

111. Can we bring in the Army?

112. How long will we wait on the police to protect us?

113. Can we bring in the Army?

114. This is a tragedy.

115. The white man ain't never done nothin' to nobody,

116. and he don't deserve this.

117. Wait, everyone. Please, order.

118. People, calm down.

119. This is our fault.

120. We've let the predators think we're weak.

121. Has the Department of Homeland security

122. ruled out terrorism?

123. It was them Freeman boys.

124. I'm telling you, you can't trust them new niggas.

125. Yeah, I said it.

126. - Now, Ruckus, that's crazy. -If they're so innocent,

127. why won't they talk to the police?

128. - What did he say?

129. Yeah. Why wouldn't they?

130. Doesn't sound like innocent behavior to me.

131. Why wouldn't they wanna talk to the police?

132. I love talking to the police.

133. We're gonna go check 'em out.

134. If the cops won't make 'em talk, I'll make 'em talk.

135. Mrs. von Hausen, the neighborhood watch

136. is not a law-enforcement agency.

137. No interrogations!

138. Now, if you visit the Freemans

139. and ask them to join the neighborhood watch,

140. that would be great.

141. And let's all of us reach out to all our other neighbors

142. to help us keep an eye out. Okay?

143. Well, that's sensible.

144. The black one's right. Really, he is.

145. Oh, we're gonna reach out, all right.

146. What the hell do y'all want?

147. We'll ask the questions around here, Robert.

148. Ask the question, Miss von Hausen.

149. I don't have time for this crap!

150. Get out the way, old white woman.

151. Mr. Freeman,

152. we are from the Woodcrest neighborhood watch.

153. Now, as you know, we've had some home invasions recently.

154. - Mm-hm. -We were concerned to hear

155. that you refused to talk to the police.

156. - I didn't see nothin'! -You tell 'em, granddad.

157. No snitchin'.

158. You've also refused our previous invitations

159. to join the neighborhood watch,

160. and we could use your support.

161. Our motto is: Neighbors watching neighbors.

162. Oh, I'm watchin', all right. I'm watchin' this neighborhood

163. become a bunch of damn tattletales.

164. Good one, granddad.

165. You killin' 'em.

166. Property was stolen, Mr. Freeman.

167. Stolen.

168. The sanctity of our community was violated.

169. Tough titty.

170. I ain't got time for this bullshit.

171. Boy, I'll be back tonight. Move the hell out of my way.

172. Robert, did you just touch a white woman?

173. Sorry he touched you, Miss von Hausen.

174. We'll make sure you get sterilized.

175. Whoa, whoa! Look out!

176. You almost touched Miss von Hausen!

177. Stop snitchin'!

178. Hey, boy.

179. Go to bed soon.

180. Good night, Granddad.

181. - Shh-shh-Shh.

182. Oh...

183. Mm-hm.

184. ED: If you had a headset like mine,

185. you could be on the phone right now.

186. Nah, baby, I'm still here.

187. Oh, shit!

188. What was that?

189. - Uh... -Come on!

190. Heh. Word down at the gym is that he done wore

191. the same pair of drawers for the last three days.

192. Hear that? Sounds like niggas.

193. - Shh! -Then he go and lift weights.

194. What you see, Miss von Hausen?

195. Shit, he — he just hatin' 'cause, see,

196. I ain't even tell Janet anything about what you told me.

197. Would you get off that fucking phone?

198. Oh, shit!

199. Buck 'em down, Miss von Hausen!

200. We're takin' fire! Run!

201. Get them negroes! -ED: They shootin'!

202. No, no, no, I'm still here. Yo, can I still come over?

203. Come on. You want some of this? Come on.

204. Feel the power of the white folk.

205. Get 'em, Miss von Hausen!

206. That's the way! Wait, Miss von Hausen.

207. Wait! Let me have a piece of that.

208. Come on, now! Buck 'em down!

209. Riley! Hey, Riley, look, man,

210. I need somewhere to hide. Niggas are shootin', man.

211. Niggas are shootin'? ED: Hey!

212. This the car that got pimped out by Xzibit.

213. Say, motherfucker, you on the phone or you talking to me?

214. I'm talkin' to Riley.

215. Hey, y'all see the new rims I got on my bike?

216. This thing has a push-button starter like a racecar.

217. So you wouldn't even need a key.

218. I know y'all niggas not tryin' to jack Dorothy.

219. Whoa, whoa! What y'all doin'?

220. We're just gonna borrow the car for a little while,

221. Don't worry about it. W-We bring it right back.

222. We bring it right back, bro. Whoa. Whoa. Wait. Hold up.

223. Y'all can't take my granddad's car.

224. Stop, Ed.

225. You can't take the car.

226. Whoa. This is nice.

227. Hell, no!

228. Was that a bomb? Bin Laden ain't mad at me, is he?

229. - Man, they got the car. -Huh?

230. Oh, sweet Jesus!

231. They stole Dorothy, Lordy!

232. He saw it! He saw everything.

233. Riley, who did this?

234. Damn it. Hurry up, boy. Tell us who did it.

235. Now, you're gonna tell me who stole my car

236. or I'm gonna get my belt or a 2x4 and go upside your head!

237. Tell me who stole my car. Nobody steals my car.

238. I pays for my car!

239. But what would my niggas think of me if I snitched?

240. Wait a minute. What niggas?

241. Hey, I got niggas. Where?

242. In the street. What streets?

243. I ain't asking no more. Come here!

244. Mm-mm. I can't do it, Granddad. I can't talk to the po-po.

245. Tell Granddad. He's not the police.

246. That's right. You can tell me.

247. You promise not to tell?

248. I promise. I swear on your life.

249. You lyin'. That's messed up, Granddad.

250. Damn it, boy! Tell me who stole my car!

251. How am I gonna get my butter beans?

252. Give me a little more time. I'll get it out of him.

253. The officers have orders

254. to take you both in for questioning.

255. I'm sorry.

256. Both of us? I'm afraid so.

257. Don't snitch, Granddad.

258. They don't know nothin' unless you tell 'em.

259. Damn it! Damn it. Come here.

260. Sir, please release the child.

261. Release the child.You're choking him out!

262. Ironically, despite the hip-hop community

263. being the driving force

264. behind the "stop snitching" movement,

265. rappers tend to snitch on themselves a lot.

266. In 2000, rapper Gangstalicious reportedly assaulted

267. record executive Johnny Guinness

268. with a tennis racket

269. and a bottle of Hennessy on the set of a music video.

270. Guinness refused to cooperate with authorities.

271. But the next day,

272. Gangstalicious made an appearance on MTV's "TRL."

273. Hold up, hold up. Ugh, ugh.

274. Drop the beat, drop the beat, ugh.

275. Back at the neighborhood watch,

276. Tom was facing an all-out revolt.

277. Please, people! Riley Freeman will talk.

278. I assure you.

279. I say it's time

280. we officially militarize the neighborhood watch!

281. Yeah, that makes sense!

282. No! Everyone calm down!

283. I promise you, Riley will talk soon.

284. Do you even have a permit for that gun?

285. Maybe I don't.

286. Come and pry it from my cold, dead hands...

287. faggot boy.

288. Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about!

289. Police knew granddad wasn't robbin' the houses.

290. What they didn't know was if he, like Riley,

291. was withholding information.

292. Now, you listen here, you little bitch.

293. I'm gonna ask you some real simple questions,

294. and I want some real simple answers.

295. Now, you pulled into the garage and went into the house at 9:15?

296. Yes, I believe.

297. If I'm not mistaken, it was 9:15.

298. So you pulled into the garage

299. and went into the house at 9:15?

300. Yeah. N-Nine, yes.

301. I looked at my watch, and — and, yes, mm-hm, mm, 9:15.

302. So you're telling me, definitely,

303. that you pulled into the garage

304. and went into the house at 8:15?

305. Y-Yes, that's —

306. I believe it was 8:15. Definitely.

307. Now, you see something. You know you done fucked up, right?

308. No! I said, no.

309. I said I pulled into the garage at —

310. You know you done fucked up, right?

311. No, I said— Wait a minute. I told you I pulled into...

312. But without Riley talking, the cops had nothing,

313. and Riley wasn't talking.

314. I know y'all seen niggas with spinning rims, right?

315. But check it, check it, check it.

316. I'm sayin', on a bike, though.

317. And then, like, when I pop a wheelie. Know what I mean?

318. And that front wheel be up off the ground,

319. it keeps spinnin'. Ooh, boy!

320. Man, niggas... Somebody get me out of here.

321. Heh-heh. They just mad...

322. Before I shoot this fucking kid.

323. I be like, ugh! Ugh!

324. One problem black people have with snitching

325. is that the police don't necessarily protect

326. those that come forward.

327. Take the case of Bernard Jefferson,

328. who helped the police shut down a local crack house.

329. - Hey, you did the right thing. -So, um, do you think

330. I might need some protection or something?

331. Yeah, that's more the feds' thing.

332. Uh, you'll be fine.

333. You see anything weird, you just give us a call,

334. all right, buddy? Heh. Okay.

335. Hey, Bernard! You snitch-ass motherfucker!

336. Shut the fuck up! Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

337. Bernard lived, but when he refused

338. to identify the men who shot him,

339. he was charged with conspiracy

340. and sentenced to a month in jail.

341. Can't believe these little, young kids

342. out their damn mind.

343. Boy, get upstairs and go to your room.

344. I'm gonna take me a nap,

345. gonna drink me a Red Bull, then I'm gonna wake up

346. and beat you till you decide to talk!

347. I did everything I could, but if Riley doesn't talk,

348. they're both gonna be charged tomorrow.

349. What the hell is wrong with you? This ain't a movie, Riley.

350. You and Granddad about to go to jail.

351. I can't snitch.

352. This person stole from your family!

353. I tried to stop 'em!

354. Yeah. Hey.

355. M-May I sit down over there next to Riley?

356. What are you guys talking about?

357. Are you talking about who's doing the break-ins?

358. If you know, you can tell me. I won't tell anybody.

359. Jazmine, are you wearing a wire?

360. Code blue, code blue!

361. What the hell is this, a snitch-athon?

362. Man, there's snitches everywhere.

363. They under the bed, too? How about the closet?

364. Hey there, boys.

365. Ooh, this is uncomfortable.

366. ED: See, I'm what they call "techno-savvy."

367. I fucks with the future.

368. Yeah, the problem is, we don't live in the future, Ed.

369. We live in the present.

370. And in the present, that shit looks ridiculous.

371. It's not a cybernetic ear. It's a fuckin' cellphone headset.

372. The only thing you gonna do with it is call a bitch.

373. And unless the bitch is a Martian,

374. there ain't no explanation for the shit to look that high-tech.

375. Have you seen that shit in the mirror?

376. You look like you're going to a fuckin' comic-book convention.

377. - This the house? -Yeah, man, this the house.

378. Hold up, hold up. I'm getting a call.

379. Yeah. What's good, baby?

380. Ed, ain't that one of your grandfather's alarm systems?

381. - ED: Nah. -Nigga, you sure?

382. It says, "Wuncler Security."

383. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

384. I ain't seen no naked pictures, girl.

385. Send them to my Sidekick.

386. Damn it, Ed, get off that fucking phone!

387. I think we in the wr...

388. Who's there, huh?

389. wrong house.

390. Yeah, yeah, I'm still here. Motherfucker done shot me.

391. I don't get it.

392. You guys got elephant dollars.

393. Why your dumb-ass robbing people?

394. 'Cause I'm an American. Shit.

395. It's the American way, man. Shit.

396. Where the fuck was you raised? A third-world country?

397. See, as I broke it down to Ed, pops,

398. if people don't have a need, then there won't be no demand,

399. so we out here creating the demand, know what I'm sayin'?

400. Turns out Ed and Rummy were breaking into homes

401. as a way to stimulate sales for Wuncler's security service,

402. which was owned by Ed's grandfather.

403. The irony is, Granddad had already signed up

404. for Wuncler Security.

405. And to add insult to injury, it didn't even work.

406. Heh. Well, now, y'all get it right next time.

407. You know, the cost of bullets are going up.

408. Sure, you're right. Heh-heh-Heh.

409. Hey, thanks for being so cool about this, pops.

410. You all right with me.

411. Anyway, Granddad got his car back, and that was that.

412. Oh, come on. It was a misunderstanding.

413. Hey, Ed, give your granddaddy my best.

414. They did it.

415. Cheers.

416. Ah. There's no way.

417. Them ain't no negroes! It couldn't be them.

418. What the fuck y'all looking at?

419. No charges were filed.

420. No way.

421. ED: Nah, baby. I-I'm not talking to you.

422. My bike!

423. Someone stole my bike.

424. Yo, Riley!

425. Spinning, baby!

426. Ed and Rummy done stole my bike!

427. Man, niggas, I can't stand them.

428. Stole my damn bike.

429. Hey, come back and bring me back my bike.

430. What's that, boy?

431. Nothin'.

432. Where's your bike?

433. I hope you got some insurance on those spinners.

434. Wheee!

435. Thank you for not snitching!

436. ED: You stupid motherfucker!