The Boondocks 1x15

1. My stars and garters.

2. President Ronald Reagan,

3. my hero.

4. Is this heaven?

5. Oh, not just heaven, Ruckus.

6. White heaven.

7. You see, there are many

8. different types of people, Ruckus,

9. so God created many separate but,

10. well, for the most part, equal heavens.

11. You don't say.

12. White heaven is for decent, good

13. God-fearing Christians who just happen to,

14. well, hate everyone

15. and everything relating to black people.

16. That means no Muhammad Ali,

17. no hip-hop music, and no fucking Jesse Jackson.

18. What about Whoopi Goldberg?

19. Nope.

20. Wow. This is heaven.

21. Turns out that God

22. really doesn't have

23. that much of a problem with racism.

24. He doesn't even remember slavery,

25. except in February.

26. Personally, I hate black people, Ruckus.

27. That's why I did everything I could

28. to make their lives miserable.

29. Crack? Me.

30. AIDS? Me.

31. Reaganomics?

32. Hmph. Come on, I'm in the name.

33. And God has rewarded me. Know why?

34. Uh, 'cause two niggas and two quarters

35. don't add up to a dollar?

36. Well, that, and because God loves white people.

37. And if you teach everyone on earth to love the white man,

38. you too can join us in white heaven.

39. Praise white God.

40. Okay, so this meeting

41. of the executive board

42. of the committee to free Shabazz K. Miltonburough

43. has now officially commenced.

44. Let's see now. Attendance.

45. All in attendance say "here."

46. Here.

47. Here.

48. Jazmine, Mrs. Wellington isn't a member on this board.

49. Now, first item on the agenda:

50. our planned bus trip tomorrow

51. to visit our illegally imprisoned brother

52. and offer him moral support.

53. Have we assembled the reading material

54. and baked goods for Brother Shabazz?

55. Check.

56. I have the latest edition of Highlights

57. and two and a half Fig Newtons.

58. Two and a half?

59. Mrs. Wellington got hungry.

60. What about the snacks for the two-hour bus ride?

61. I got part of a Lunchable and a half a bottle of S-Snapple.

62. Oh, so you just wanna drink

63. the white man's poison, huh?

64. I don't—

65. High-fructose corn syrup.

66. Read about it.

67. It'll kill you.

68. Great.

69. So we'll just get a head count for the trip.

70. Everybody who's going, raise their hands.

71. Ah, come on, Jazmine.

72. The man is on death row.

73. He needs moral support.

74. I'm not allowed to go past the second light post.

75. I hope you don't treat me like this when I'm on death row.

76. I'll go next time.

77. I promise.

78. Well, he'll be dead next time,

79. but I'll tell him you said, "Hi."

80. This is uncomfortable.

81. God bless you, Robert.

82. How are you this fine morning?

83. Hm?

84. You're not a Jehovah Witness, are you?

85. I'm in the Jehovah Witness protection program.

86. Robert, I'm dyin'.

87. That's right.

88. Went to the doctor this morning.

89. I only got six months to live.

90. Tumor on the back.

91. They call it "biggus backus tumoritis,"

92. or some other big word that my tiny Negro brain

93. and big lips can't pronounce.

94. Doctors say they can't operate.

95. But praise be to white God and his son, white Jesus.

96. Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Ruckus.

97. You're not contagious, are you?

98. Just contagious with the Holy Spirit

99. of our Caucasian Savior.

100. I'm on a mission from God,

101. and let me share his word with ya.

102. Come, child of God.

103. Come.

104. Do you know what's going on?

105. Please, everybody.

106. Everybody, gather around to hear the good news.

107. God is white, and he loves the white man above all others.

108. All right!

109. Woo-hoo!

110. Yeah!

111. Yeah!

112. Ye—! Sorry.

113. Don't be sorry, white man.

114. Only niggas and Mexicans are sorry.

115. Be joyful.

116. God loves you.

117. That's why he made his only begotten son in your image.

118. God hates darkies.

119. Well, actually, I'm more of a caramel complexion.

120. But I'm outraged all the same!

121. Hear ye, hear ye.

122. White God is a good God.

123. Even darkies can rejoice.

124. For even ones cursed with the skin of coal

125. can enter the gates of paradise if he hates his own blackness.

126. In white Jesus' name, amen.

127. What? That's right, Robert Freeman.

128. You must hate thyself to save thyself.

129. But, uh... we're okay?

130. Excuse me?

131. White people. We—? We're okay, right?

132. Of course.

133. Cool.

134. So who among this flock will join me,

135. so that the world can hear

136. the joyful message of love and redemption?

137. Ruckus, you done lost it this time.

138. You really dying?

139. Praise God, yes, I am.

140. Heed the word, darkies.

141. I think you're onto something.

142. Tell me more.

143. Well, first of all, the Gipper is standing at the Pearly Gates.

144. Yeah, he's wearing a all-white suit,

145. got some white tennis shoes on.

146. At this point,

147. we're resorting

148. to what I call desperation tactics.

149. Such as?

150. How the hell

151. do you expect me to do?

152. I'm doin' not so great.

153. I've sent anonymous letters to the governor,

154. threatening to expose his gay lover.

155. I wasn't aware the governor was gay.

156. He probably isn't,

157. but I figure 10 percent of the population is gay,

158. and probably about half

159. the people cheat on their spouses.

160. So I figure that plan has about a 5 percent chance of success.

161. Better than nothing.

162. Huey.

163. What?

164. You always say I should have faith.

165. Well, that's me having faith.

166. Random, anonymous blackmail.

167. Huey, they turned down the final appeal.

168. The execution date has been set.

169. It's in two months.

170. Two months?

171. That's so soon.

172. I've had a long time to come to peace with this.

173. It's not over yet.

174. Why don't you just holler at him?

175. Shit, I don't know. He's so detached.

176. We used to spend all our yard time together.

177. We used to lift weights together every day.

178. He doesn't even spot me anymore.

179. I think there's somebody else.

180. Jail nigga,

181. you gay.

182. Well, you see, the blackness

183. in our skin represents sin,

184. which is why God wants us to hate the black in us.

185. Ooh. That's interesting.

186. Yes, yes.

187. Yeah.

188. Hate the sin, not the sinner.Wow.

189. You got the point,

190. little girl.

191. You can't go to the Pearly Gates...

192. Do you believe in God, Huey?

193. I believe in God.

194. First of all, I'm gonna live forever.

195. But if I do die,

196. I'll go smack God upside the head

197. and go tell him to get me

198. a grilled cheese sandwich and some tacos.

199. When I want something

200. or I'm afraid about something,

201. I pray.

202. Have you ever prayed?

203. And I dare God to say something.

204. I'll be like,

205. "Say something, God. Say something.

206. Yeah, I thought so."

207. You should pray for Shabazz.

208. God'll get him out of jail.

209. They have to listen to him. He's God.

210. And if God say something, I'll be like this: "Ooh!

211. Take that, God."

212. I'll be beatin' God's jaw like,

213. bli-gah!

214. Blah!

215. Mm. Mm-hm. Hm.

216. Excuse me, Reverend.

217. Hey, hey, I know you. You Armstrong Elder.

218. I seen you

219. on the TV news.

220. You the only darkie that I ever seen

221. make any sense on the TV news.

222. Hallelujah!

223. And you talk white too.

224. That's very impressive for a monkey, no offense.

225. Uh, none taken.

226. Now, if you don't mind,

227. I'd like to talk to you about expanding your message.

228. I bet you got a white wife.

229. Yes, I do have a white wife.

230. Can I see a picture of her?

231. It's called Operation Black Steel.

232. We should call it—

233. We're callin' it Operation Black Steel.

234. I like that name. We're not changin' it.

235. What's your suggestion?

236. "Jazmine and Huey's plan

237. to get his friend out of jail."

238. Why's your name first?

239. Because I thought of the name.

240. I'm callin' it Operation Black Steel.

241. Suit yourself.

242. You'll be sorry.

243. What? Nothing.

244. Whatever.

245. Operation Black Steel works as follows:

246. Shabazz K. Miltonburough will be executed

247. exactly 63 days from now.

248. That night,

249. there'll be a candlelight vigil.

250. Granddad,

251. who refuses to take an interest

252. in the fate of Brother Shabazz,

253. will probably stay in the car and watch Friday.

254. "All the pigs' feet." That's funny. Ha-ha!

255. One hour before

256. Brother Shabazz's execution,

257. he will be taken from his cell

258. and brought to the prison hospital,

259. where he will receive his final examination.

260. At precisely that time,

261. I'll fake a massive heart attack.

262. Somebody do something.

263. Where's his parents?

264. The kid's dyin', man.

265. That's so funny.

266. "It's your ass, Mr. Postman."

267. The guards

268. will have no choice

269. but to bring me into the prison hospital

270. while Shabazz is there.

271. They'll have no idea

272. I'm a black radical freedom fighter

273. until it's too late.

274. I'll be able to tranquilize two of the guards right away.

275. After that, I've got the stun baton.

276. Get some help.

277. We got a problem here!

278. Clear the way!

279. Come on, move! Move!

280. We'll be gone

281. before they even know what hit.

282. What happens then?

283. Then I move to Cuba for the rest of my life.

284. That's assuming I'm not killed in the breakout.

285. Yeah.

286. This is a good plan.

287. Shabazz K. Miltonburough

288. was actually interning

289. for the Black Panthers in early 1970.

290. He hadn't even earned

291. his black beret and leather jacket.

292. One fateful day, he heard a gunshot...

293. and the words: MAN: A Gun!

294. I, Eli Gorbinsky,

295. hate deputy sheriffs.

296. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I hate all police officers

297. and parking enforcers.

298. And that's why I,

299. Eli Gorbinsky,

300. shot this here deputy sheriff!

301. Shabazz never investigated

302. the gunshot

303. or the oddly expositional phrase Eli yelled out.

304. But within minutes,

305. the cops busted down the door...

306. What's going on?

307. to the Black Panther office supply shed

308. and arrested Shabazz... What—?

309. for the murder of Deputy Sheriff Gary Fife.

310. Several people witnessed the murder.

311. One had 8mm video footage.

312. Another happened to be a stenographer

313. who had it all transcribed,

314. including Eli's confession,

315. which he oddly enough signed and dated.

316. The murder weapon had Eli's prints all over it,

317. which were clearly visible,

318. since he had been enjoying

319. a chocolate doughnut at the time of the shooting.

320. There was also a receipt of sale attached to the gun,

321. and the manufacturer warranty card was filled out,

322. signed and dated by Eli.

323. During the trial,

324. footage of the incident

325. confirmed the stenographer's note

326. that Gary's last words were actually,

327. "Eli Gorbinsky killed me."

328. After only 20 minutes of deliberation,

329. Shabazz K. Miltonburough

330. was sentenced to death. Guilty as charged.

331. Man, ain't this a bitch?

332. Amen.

333. White Jesus tells us:

334. "In order to enter paradise,

335. we must hate ourselves to save ourselves."

336. Sound pretty simple, don't it?

337. I can't believe this crazy fool

338. is actually tryin' to start a church.

339. Ruckus had partnered up

340. with famous black conservative Armstrong Elders

341. to market his "ministry."

342. Elders was a media vet.

343. He knew just how to package Ruckus for the masses.

344. So you believe God is white?

345. First of all, white man,

346. let me say that I love you,

347. honor you,

348. envy you,

349. enjoy your smell,

350. and I celebrate you in the name of white Jesus.

351. Um, thank you.

352. No, thank you. Look at that.

353. That's a handsome young man, ain't it?

354. Now, if God looked like Isaac Hayes,

355. do you think his son would look like this?

356. So black people are—?

357. Cursed! Cursed! Cursed!

358. Just look around you.

359. That's why we in the ghettos.

360. That's why we in jail.

361. That's why we on UPN.

362. Because God don't like us.

363. You think if God wanted to change that, he couldn't?

364. Hell, he turned water to wine.

365. He could have changed UPN to CBS.

366. Reverend Ruckus and his peculiar message

367. of race-based redemption

368. has begun to spread, and fast.

369. How fast?

370. Reverend Ruckus will be holding a revival

371. here at Woodcrest Post Pavilion tonight.

372. Tickets are expected to sell out.

373. Coming up next, time has run out

374. for a condemned man who many say is innocent.

375. After this.

376. I don't get it.

377. Who would actually follow Uncle Ruckus?

378. We have to put a stop to this. We're going.

379. Yeah?

380. I'm calling you to say goodbye, Huey.

381. And thanks for everything you did.

382. It means a lot.

383. It's not over.

384. I promise.

385. I can't say much

386. because I know people are listenin',

387. but... I promise you.

388. Goodbye, Huey.

389. Damn, Morpheus. What you about to do?

390. I love you, man.

391. Ugh!

392. Nigga, you gay.

393. But, Granddad, you promised to take me

394. to the prison tonight—

395. Not tonight.

396. Somebody has to talk some sense into Ruckus.

397. But I'm tryin' to save my friend.

398. Me too. But I promised him.

399. I gave him my word I'd be there.

400. He's gonna die,

401. and there's nothing you can do about it.

402. You should pray for your friend, Huey.

403. That's all anyone can do for him.

404. Martin Luther King

405. and the colored folks died before him—

406. What makes your God any less made up than his?

407. —dark chocolate soup.

408. So hate the black within you.

409. Row H, seats 44 and 45. Ha.

410. Let's roll.

411. Operation Black Steel,

412. the mission to liberate Shabazz K. Miltonburough,

413. was aborted...

414. 'cause I couldn't get a ride.

415. People say to me, "Ruckus?"

416. I say, "Huh? Who said that?"

417. They say, "How do I make it to white heaven?"

418. Well, start by asking yourself,

419. "How is my relationship with the white man?"

420. Do you celebrate the white man's goodness every day?

421. Do you stop and thank the white man

422. for the food you eat and the clothes you wear?

423. Huh?

424. Well, if you don't, you going to hell.

425. Now, I want everybody who isn't white

426. to turn to a white person and say,

427. "Thank you."

428. Thank you.

429. Thank you so much.

430. Well, there are those of you who say I'm a racist.

431. There are those of you who say I'm wrong for hatin' niggas.

432. Well, I call y'all all hypocrites,

433. because each and every one of you

434. can name 10 niggas you hate right now if you had to.

435. I never thought about it like that.

436. There's Tyrone, Leon...

437. Oh, Eddie.

438. You don't have to admit it, that's okay.

439. 'Cause I know you done already counted off

440. five niggas in your head.

441. You're like, "I hate that nigga Jamal.

442. "Oh, I hate Otis.

443. I can't stand Usher."

444. Oh, my God, he's right.

445. I hate Usher too. What?

446. He's right.

447. I think I hate black people.

448. Tom, stop being stupid.

449. No, I think I hate them all.

450. I don't like Puffy.

451. I don't like Kobe.

452. I don't like— I don't like any of them.

453. Tom, snap out of it. Come on. We're leaving.

454. That's right.

455. Somebody out there is feelin' the Spirit.

456. I am. I am! I feel it!

457. If you black of skin and full of sin,

458. come forward, so I may lay my hands on you.

459. Hah! Oh, thank you, Jesus.

460. Black be gone.

461. Hah!

462. Praise white Jesus.

463. Hah!

464. Now I want everybody

465. to find the nearest black man

466. and lay hands on him.

467. But, first, make sure your hand is balled up in a fist,

468. so you can beat the black out of his soul.

469. God smiles when you hate blackness,

470. so you beat that darkie in the name of the Almighty.

471. Hallelujah!

472. People have lost their damn minds.

473. What's wrong with y'all?

474. Hey! Hey!

475. That's right. Ronald Reagan said,

476. "Beat a nigga's ass and go to heaven."

477. God is good.

478. I never prayed before.

479. I don't even know who I'm praying to.

480. And maybe I'm too young to know

481. what the world is supposed to be...

482. but it's not supposed to be this.

483. It can't be this.

484. So please—

485. Governor. What is it?

486. They found out about Raoul.

487. Now, let us pray.

488. Lord, I have spent my whole life hatin' you

489. for makin' me black.

490. And now I see I must hate myself and all those like me,

491. and cause them misery,

492. just like your servant Ronald Reagan did.

493. And if any of my words don't come directly

494. from the Almighty God himself,

495. then may I be struck by lightning

496. right this very instant.

497. Halle—!

498. What just happened?

499. Would somebody like to get that?

500. The lightning bolt

501. that saved Shabazz's life

502. seemed to have struck Uncle Ruckus on his tumor.

503. Doctors would find

504. no remaining signs of his cancer.

505. Some called it a miracle.

506. It seemed to make sense.

507. And maybe there are forces

508. in this universe

509. we don't understand.

510. Huh? Wha—?

511. Get your black banana-peelin' hands off of me.

512. But I still believe we make

513. our own miracles.

514. I don't know how they found out about us,

515. but we have to end it, Raoul.

516. Shabazz K. Miltonburough

517. was not yet free,

518. but for now, the mission had been accomplished.

519. I decided to take the rest of the day off.

520. I wonder if there's anything good on TV.