The Boondocks 3x12

1. Oh, no!

2. Without admitting any guilt, we wanna say we real sorry.

3. We know you're upset, and you should be—

4. Who did this? Which one of you killed the TV?

5. Who did it? Granddad, this isn't the time

6. for pointing fingers. Right?

7. President Obama says,

8. "We can't move forward looking backwards."

9. I can't believe this.

10. This isn't happening! It's not happening!

11. I'm too old for this. I'm sick of having

12. to beat y'all all the damn time.

13. Here. This time you're gonna beat each other.

14. What? I said beat each other.

15. Take turns.

16. What—? Something's wrong.

17. Granddad, you should calm down.

18. How am I supposed to calm down?

19. I'm dying and my TV's broke.

20. Oh. My chest hurts. It's a heart attack.

21. No, my stomach hurts. My liver's exploding.

22. No, it's my bad knee. The room is spinning.

23. Oh, no!

24. Is he dead? I don't know.

25. Hurry, we have to call 911. Where's the phone?

26. Oh, no!

27. Do we still have to beat each other?

28. Come on. You need a physical.

29. They need to put you on a diet.

30. No please. I can't handle doctors.

31. I'm not ready to face my own mortality.

32. Granddad, it's for your own good.

33. We need you around as long as possible to cook

34. and pay the mortgage. What if they find

35. something terrible? What if they tell me

36. I only have a month to live? That would totally ruin

37. the rest of this month for me. Look. Mumia. He's free.

38. I'm going home. Man, Granddad kinda fast.

39. Been awhile since your last checkup, huh?

40. Says here you haven't seen a doctor in, wow, 57 years?

41. Hurry up and get to the point

42. where you tell me I'm gonna die?

43. Now, you say here you've had some irritable bowels recently?

44. Yeah. And it also says here

45. that you—

46. Oh, um, pardon me.

47. Uh, Robert, this is Jessica. Jessica, Robert.

48. She's a medical student who will be observing today

49. if that's okay with you. Actually I prefer if, uh...

50. Patient has complained of irritable bowels,

51. also diarrhea accompanied

52. by a burning sensation in the anus

53. Well, it's not really a burning,

54. it's more of a tingle— And also experiencing

55. a lot of gas pains. Extreme flatulence.

56. Well, that was, uh, kind of a joke, really.

57. Give it to me straight, doc.

58. Robert—

59. No! I'm too young to die.

60. There's so many things I haven't done.

61. I want my novel to be on Oprah's book of the month.

62. Robert, from what I can see

63. there's a bunch of stuff wrong with you,

64. but none that is immediately life-threatening.

65. But what I'm most worried about

66. is your stress level. Is this how you normally

67. react to stressful situations, Robert?

68. More or less. But you have to understand,

69. my life is more stressful than most people.

70. My one grandson is a domestic terrorist

71. and the other one is a public menace.

72. Robert, Robert, Robert, a lot of people have stressful lives.

73. Now your problem is how you handle the stress.

74. Now, I'm gonna give you a bunch of pills to take,

75. but I believe if you don't get your stress under control,

76. you're gonna kill yourself.

77. Hey, hold on there!

78. I'm a sick old man, I can't move as fast

79. as I used to. 'Sup, old nigga?

80. Got your lifetime supply of Viagra right here. Ha-ha.

81. I'm just kidding. I know it ain't Viagra

82. 'cause I already looked. Give me that.

83. How dare you open my package.

84. I'm just fucking with you, old nigga.

85. What you got to eat in this motherfucker?

86. Hey, what you doing with all them pills for,

87. old nigga? You starting a pharmacy or some shit?

88. My doctor gave me these pills.

89. Man. I ain't never took you as a sucker

90. for the fucking pharmaceutical companies.

91. Always trying to sell you some synthetic chemical

92. that don't do nothing but make you sicker.

93. Well, he's a doctor and you're a dumb ass,

94. so I'm listening to him.

95. I don't never take no pills.

96. Not that I can afford 'em,

97. 'cause a nigga don't got health insurance and shit, but still.

98. I don't take no aspirin,

99. no fucking ibuprofen, none of that.

100. Now this shit right here, nigga,

101. this all the medicine I need.

102. What is that? Is that reefer?

103. No, nigga, it's weed.

104. Reefer the same thing as weed.

105. What? Keep it down, I have kids.

106. What, I can't say "weed"? Shh.

107. How dare you bring drugs into my house.

108. You can get us arrested.

109. Man, don't you keep up with current events?

110. Weed ain't illegal no more, nigga.

111. Really? Hell, yeah.

112. Obama came through and changed all that shit.

113. I didn't know he did that.

114. Yeah, man. So stop being so damn scared.

115. I don't know. I knew a guy once who smoked some weed

116. that was laced with angel dust,

117. and he ended up running down the street

118. in his underwear and woke up in a chicken coop.

119. Nigga, that was Friday. Was it?

120. Besides, man, ain't nobody fucked with this,

121. I know the nigga that grew it.

122. Shit, I watched him take the bud off.

123. You need to grow up and get high.

124. As a matter of fact, since I'm the type of nigga

125. that cares about your health,

126. I'm gonna give you this joint, nigga.

127. I don't want your joint. This just ain't no joint.

128. No, it's a— Well— Well, it is a joint,

129. but it's a damn good one.

130. Nigga, this shit will change your life.

131. Hey, what y'all talking about?

132. Huh? Nothing. Nothing at all.

133. He was just talking about

134. going on tour with the Fat Boys or something.

135. Congrats, tell Prince Markie Dee I said hi.

136. Okay, old nigga. Later, Riley.

137. Who are the Fat Boys?

138. High blood pressure got you down?

139. Ask your doctor if Zortafrinex is right for you.

140. In clinical trials, Zortafrinex was proven

141. to lower blood pressure. Ask your doctor

142. before taking Zortafrinex. Women, pregnant women,

143. and most men should not take it. Known side effects:

144. dry mouth, upset stomach, mild death, blindness,

145. heart attack, difficulty breathing

146. and rectal fungus. Almost all who took it

147. experienced a severe loss in sexual performance.

148. Please stop taking it immediately

149. if you feel mild discomfort on or in testicles,

150. as this can be a sign of an unpleasant

151. side effect known as total scrotal implosion.

152. If total scrotal implosion should occur,

153. call your doctor. If you cannot move or talk

154. due to the pain of total scrotal implosion,

155. please have a loved one call your doctor.

156. There is no cure for total scrotal implosion.

157. Zortafrinex, always the right choice.

158. Oh, my God.

159. It's beautiful.

160. Yo, you smell that?

161. Yeah, but it can't be what I think it is.

162. Breakfast.

163. We got pancakes, waffles,

164. pork sausage, turkey sausage,

165. veggie sausage, eggs Benedict,

166. smoked salmon omelets, hash browns

167. and of course huevos rancheros.

168. Or I can make you something else if you like.

169. Granddad, why'd you make all this food?

170. Because my boys have to grow up to be big and strong.

171. I'm eating this bowl of Cheerios because,

172. you know what? The cholesterol's not gonna lower itself.

173. Goddamn, that was the best Cheerios

174. I ever had in my life.

175. That wasn't a regular Cheerios, was it?

176. No, no, that— That had to be Honey Nut.

177. Mm.

178. It had to be Honey Nut. It tastes like Honey Nut.

179. It tastes like Cheerios but...

180. nuts dipped in honey. Mm-hm.

181. Oh, you boys broke the TV again.

182. You know what's funny?

183. When you think about it,

184. all this stuff is really yours.

185. I mean, how much longer am I gonna be around?

186. Because I'm really, really, really, really old.

187. This is your house. This is your stuff.

188. This is your TV.

189. You can break it if you want to. I don't care.

190. Damn, I liked my TV.

191. What's up old nigga? You got a pickup?

192. No. I wanted to tell you I smoked that, you know...

193. That joint? Shh.

194. You liked it. That shit was off the chain, wasn't it?

195. I couldn't believe it. I never felt anything like this before.

196. Can you get me some more? Maybe two, six or seven?

197. You called my job and scheduled a pickup

198. just so you could hit me up for more trees?

199. That's rude, man.

200. First rule of being a smoker is it's bad manners

201. to keep bumming all the damn time.

202. Well, why did you want me to smoke it

203. if I wasn't supposed to ask for more? Let me buy some off you.

204. Or maybe put me in touch with your supplier.

205. I don't know, he's picky with his clientele.

206. In the streets they call him "The Weed Kingpin."

207. But he might fuck with you, you know,

208. 'cause you with fucking with me and shit.

209. Now, just stick with me, and don't say no dumb shit.

210. Hey, Otis. Good to see you.

211. Who's this? Your friend, Robert?

212. I'm not a narc, heh-heh.

213. Uh, you wanna check me for a wire?

214. I'm not wearing one so it's okay if you do.

215. In fact, uh, this may be a bad idea.

216. Now are you looking for anything in particular?

217. I mean, uh, a certain kind of high?

218. I just need something to lower my stress.

219. Let's see, we got Bubba Kush, Lavender Kush,

220. Telly Savalas Kush,

221. uh, oh, gee, Scarlett Johansson.

222. Hey, I even got one named after me, nigga.

223. It's good for sitting on the couch all day

224. and not doing shit. You know what?

225. Try this. It's called Black Pearl.

226. What's it gonna do?

227. You'll see.

228. Man, we've looked up the side effects

229. to all of Granddad's pills,

230. and none of them make you a happier, calmer,

231. more well-adjusted person.

232. Well, something going on.

233. I don't know who that nigga is downstairs,

234. but he ain't Granddad.

235. Granddad, we need to talk.

236. Of course, what is it, Grandson?

237. Man, where the real Granddad?

238. What you do with him?

239. Riley, you so crazy.

240. Look, boys, I went to the doctor

241. and had a wake-up call, and I decided

242. I'm not gonna sweat the small stuff anymore.

243. I'm the same granddaddy that you know and love.

244. I'm happy, I feel good, and from now on

245. I'm going to appreciate life.

246. Yeah, but that person is nothing like the Granddad

247. we know and love. Yeah, our Granddad

248. don't appreciate nothing.

249. You an imposter.

250. You boys are hilarious.

251. Don't forget tonight's my bongo night.

252. You guys can stay over at Tom's.

253. Now give your Granddaddy a hug.

254. I'm so glad we had this talk.

255. Man, I just feel bad for the real Granddad.

256. He probably tied up in some basement somewhere, scared.

257. We gotta find him, Huey.

258. Before it's too late.

259. What is he doing over there?

260. Sounds like he's dying.

261. You know, he's always been a little strange.

262. Man, I'm about to go look.

263. Come on, guys, you know the rules.

264. Robert said no going back home during bongo time.

265. I'm sorry. Look, I don't know

266. who that fake-ass Granddad is over there,

267. but we gotta find out what's going on.

268. Maybe he's on drugs.

269. You guys are overreacting.

270. Your granddad just wants a little privacy

271. to release his creative juices,

272. and there's nothing wrong with that.

273. What's going on?

274. Shit.

275. It's the cops.

276. Wait. Riley, wait.

277. Oh, my God.

278. Ew.

279. I'm gonna be sick.

280. Aw, somebody get him a blanket, for God's sake.

281. You scarred my baby for life, Robert!

282. I'm so ashamed.

283. Riley, this isn't funny.

284. Yes, it is.

285. Granddad was smoking weed.

286. Smokey. Smokey.

287. Boys, can you ever forgive me?

288. I don't think it's a big deal, really.

289. No, Huey. It's a very big deal.

290. That's why drugs are so dangerous.

291. Then you get addicted, and it destroys your life,

292. and the lives of those around you.

293. You start playing the bongos really loud

294. and then you turn all Bobby and Whitney on us.

295. I've learned my lesson.

296. I'm never ever, ever, ever gonna smoke weed again.

297. Hey. There's big Bobby.

298. I got something special for you today.

299. Ooh, lay it on me, man.

300. They call it "Skywalker."

301. Granddad, I know you're still smoking.

302. What are you talking about?

303. Huey, I told you that was a terrible mistake I made

304. and I'm never, ever gonna do it again.

305. I know when you find something you like

306. you tend to go overboard, so just be very careful.

307. Like I said, I have no idea what you're talking about.

308. Toodles.

309. You're a dick, dickwad!

310. Uh-oh.

311. Sir, can you tell me why you're driving so slow

312. in the fast lane? Oh, no reason.

313. I guess I just wasn't in that much of a rush.

314. I didn't know you can get a speeding ticket

315. for going too slow, uh, Officer...

316. Doo-shay? That's Officer Douche.

317. Something funny?

318. No, sir, Officer...

319. Douche.

320. Why were you driving so slow in the fast lane?

321. Oh, just having a pleasant drive on a nice,

322. heh, summer's eve, Douche.

323. Please step out of the car, sir.

324. Okay, the defendant is charged with suspicion

325. of driving under the influence of marijuana,

326. as well as possession of a mostly smoked

327. marijuana cigarette. So how does the defendant plead?

328. Robert, I want you to plead guilty.

329. No way, mm-mm, ain't gonna happen.

330. No, no, no, it's just a first offense.

331. Obama fixed it up for everybody.

332. What are you talking about? That's why I voted for Obama.

333. We could legalize weed, that's what we need—

334. But Tom, what happens if he goes to jail?

335. Go to jail? It's just a first offense.

336. Everybody calm down. I don't want to go to jail.

337. I ain't going in no foster care, I tell you that right now.

338. Everybody could you please just shut up?

339. Settle down, please.

340. Your Honor, I would like to plead not guilty

341. on the grounds that Obama legalized weed.

342. Did he? Because I think I would have heard about that.

343. I'm pretty sure he did.

344. Who told you that? Thugnificent.

345. The rapper? Yes, Your Honor.

346. Are you sure he's the guy to listen to

347. about legal matters? What does your lawyer say?

348. He looks pretty smart. I said, uh, no, Your Honor.

349. But Thugnificent sounded pretty sure.

350. Huh. Well, he's pretty sure. You know, I'm—

351. I'm also pretty sure, but, hey,

352. we can look it up if you want. No big deal.

353. Yes, please.

354. Nope, no. Sorry about that, man.

355. Look at this, Wikipedia says weed is still illegal.

356. Really? Yeah, wait—

357. Ho, look at that. That's interesting.

358. Says here that several states

359. have legalized medicinal cannabis.

360. See? Unfortunately,

361. this state ain't one of 'em so, you know.

362. Oh. So I guess your choices are

363. to move to California, smoke all you want,

364. or, you know, just stay here and stop smoking.

365. Or you can keep smoking and go to jail,

366. but that would be kinda silly, don't you think?

367. Oh, man, Robert, I can't believe how lucky you are.

368. Lucky? How is this lucky? I finally found the thing

369. in life that makes me happy and now they gonna take it away.

370. Now Robert, studies show marijuana

371. can be very psychologically addictive.

372. Man, fuck them studies, I want my weed.

373. I believed all the terrible things

374. they told me about weed and it was all a lie.

375. And now you mean to tell me,

376. I could've had this the whole time?

377. Who knows how different my life would be?

378. I might be a Nobel Peace Prize winner,

379. or eight-time gold medal swimmer,

380. or even President of the United States.

381. It's not fair. Now I have to go back

382. to being the regular me.

383. There's nothing wrong with the regular you.

384. I'm telling you the regular me

385. is completely unacceptable.

386. I don't even like the regular me.

387. No one does. Yeah, he's got a point there.

388. I don't even like him either.

389. Look, Robert, I get it.

390. Everybody wants to escape from their problems.

391. But there's a legal way to do it.

392. I never really liked you when I first met you.

393. Oh, you didn't like me? I didn't like you.

394. Well, that's okay, I don't care who likes me,

395. and I hate Ruckus, that son of a bitch.

396. Well, we can agree on that.

397. Let's find Ruckus and whup his ass.

398. I'm gonna whup your ass! Oh, no, I don't think so.

399. I will whup your ass with Ruckus's ass.

400. I miss my Mary Jane now.

401. Oh, I think I'm gonna throw up.

402. Oh, if I see or smell throw-up,

403. I'm gonna throw—

404. Oh, God.

405. Oh, hell, no!

406. What the—?

407. Oh. Aw, man!

408. Can you believe it, old nigga?

409. Grant got raided. Look, look, look, look.

410. They taking the champagne, and the citrus buds,

411. and the First Mature, and the Early Misty,

412. and the God Bud, and the Ice Marijuana,

413. and the Island Lady, and the Kush—

414. I'm not gonna let them get away with this.

415. I say we fight back. It's time for civil disobedience.

416. It's time for action. Man, you do what you want.

417. I'm gonna go back to work and cry.

418. What is this really gonna accomplish?

419. What happened to you? I thought you believed

420. in the revolution. A freedom fighter.

421. You're not gonna end prohibition by getting arrested.

422. What if me and Rosa Parks

423. had said that on that bus in Montgomery?

424. What if me and Martin Luther King said that in Selma?

425. What if me and Nelson Mandela said that during apartheid?

426. When were you arrested in South Africa?

427. Never mind. Point is you sold out.

428. I think we should just move to L.A..

429. I'm gonna be the first nigga to be a Blood and a Crip.

430. Granddad, nobody solves problems by going to jail anymore.

431. Fine. What do you suggest?

432. Look, if it's really that important to you,

433. maybe we should just move to California.

434. Then I'm gonna star in my own movie

435. about the first nigga to be both a Blood and a Crip.

436. I'm gonna play me. Well, I'm not leaving my home.

437. I paid good money for this house.

438. Now it ain't worth shit, so we're staying.

439. Then I'm gonna run up on the Fresh Prince kid

440. and show him who the real Karate Kid is.

441. They ain't even paying the nigga.

442. So, what's more important? Weed or us?

443. Weed.

444. Man, he didn't even think about it.

445. We are here to demand the liberation of our brother,

446. Grant, from the deep, dark dungeons of tyranny.

447. This man was a peaceful man. He was a grower.

448. He was a healer. And he gave me

449. really good weed at very reasonable prices.

450. Granddad, stop snitching. Ha-ha.

451. We won't let you push us around.

452. We have the right to pursue happiness.

453. And this is happiness. And I shall pursue it, happily.

454. Wait, does anyone have a light?

455. Robert. Robert?

456. Grant? But I thought you were in jail.

457. I posted bail. What are you doing here?

458. So you're free? I got six months' probation,

459. can't smoke, but weed's not worth my freed—

460. What are you doing out here?

461. Wait, wait, I change my mind.

462. No, wait. Sir, I'm placing you

463. under arrest for disturbing the peace...

464. Hey, wait a minute, officer.

465. Come on. You don't understand.

466. I change my mind. Forget all that stuff I said.

467. I take it back. Do over.

468. I'm a Republican, Democrat, Conservative, Tea Party!

469. Oh, dude, I am so bummed to see you here again.

470. Your Honor, I plead not guilty on the grounds

471. that I wouldn't have had to do a protest

472. if you had let me have weed in the first place.

473. This is silly. I'm an old man.

474. I fought for my country. I've earned the right

475. to smoke weed. No, no, no.

476. But I admit that I probably went too far.

477. So I guess maybe I am guilty.

478. Granddad, stop snitching.

479. Anyway, I learned my lesson.

480. And I decided, if you let me go,

481. I'm gonna move to California

482. so as to be in compliance with the law.

483. What? All right.

484. Really, Granddad?

485. Yeah, yeah!

486. I wanted it to be a surprise.

487. Okay, Mr. Freeman, you got yourself a deal.

488. I'll agree to no jail time

489. and you are free to go to California.

490. Yeah! That's what's up!

491. Immediately after serving three weeks of house arrest,

492. followed by two years' probation with mandatory drug testing,

493. and we'll throw in some community service for fun.

494. Hi, my name is Robert Freeman.

495. Recently I started smoking pot.

496. Marijuana didn't make me happier,

497. it didn't make me cool. It didn't do anything,

498. except almost cost me my family and my freedom.

499. So if you wanna be like me, a loser,

500. go ahead and smoke.

501. That was crazy. Granddad, you make weed look so uncool,

502. I don't think I'm ever gonna smoke.

503. Yeah, I think I'm gonna go take

504. a stroll around the block, 'cause I can.

505. Want me get you anything while I'm out, Granddad?

506. Yeah, bring me a brand-new belt

507. with a big spiked buckle

508. so I can whup your little smart behind.

509. Well, for what it's worth, it's not too terrible

510. having the old Granddad back.

511. Yeah, well, it's worth nothing, but thank you.