1. My stars and garters.
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2. President Ronald Reagan,
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3. my hero.
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4. Is this heaven?
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5. Oh, not just heaven, Ruckus.
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6. White heaven.
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7. You see, there are many
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8. different types of people, Ruckus,
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9. so God created many separate but,
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10. well, for the most part, equal heavens.
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11. You don't say.
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12. White heaven is for decent, good
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13. God-fearing Christians who just happen to,
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14. well, hate everyone
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15. and everything relating to black people.
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16. That means no Muhammad Ali,
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17. no hip-hop music, and no fucking Jesse Jackson.
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18. What about Whoopi Goldberg?
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19. Nope.
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20. Wow. This is heaven.
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21. Turns out that God
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22. really doesn't have
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23. that much of a problem with racism.
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24. He doesn't even remember slavery,
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25. except in February.
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26. Personally, I hate black people, Ruckus.
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27. That's why I did everything I could
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28. to make their lives miserable.
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29. Crack? Me.
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30. AIDS? Me.
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31. Reaganomics?
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32. Hmph. Come on, I'm in the name.
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33. And God has rewarded me. Know why?
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34. Uh, 'cause two niggas and two quarters
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35. don't add up to a dollar?
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36. Well, that, and because God loves white people.
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37. And if you teach everyone on earth to love the white man,
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38. you too can join us in white heaven.
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39. Praise white God.
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40. Okay, so this meeting
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41. of the executive board
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42. of the committee to free Shabazz K. Miltonburough
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43. has now officially commenced.
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44. Let's see now. Attendance.
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45. All in attendance say "here."
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46. Here.
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47. Here.
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48. Jazmine, Mrs. Wellington isn't a member on this board.
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49. Now, first item on the agenda:
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50. our planned bus trip tomorrow
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51. to visit our illegally imprisoned brother
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52. and offer him moral support.
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53. Have we assembled the reading material
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54. and baked goods for Brother Shabazz?
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55. Check.
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56. I have the latest edition of Highlights
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57. and two and a half Fig Newtons.
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58. Two and a half?
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59. Mrs. Wellington got hungry.
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60. What about the snacks for the two-hour bus ride?
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61. I got part of a Lunchable and a half a bottle of S-Snapple.
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62. Oh, so you just wanna drink
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63. the white man's poison, huh?
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64. I don't—
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65. High-fructose corn syrup.
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66. Read about it.
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67. It'll kill you.
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68. Great.
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69. So we'll just get a head count for the trip.
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70. Everybody who's going, raise their hands.
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71. Ah, come on, Jazmine.
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72. The man is on death row.
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73. He needs moral support.
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74. I'm not allowed to go past the second light post.
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75. I hope you don't treat me like this when I'm on death row.
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76. I'll go next time.
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77. I promise.
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78. Well, he'll be dead next time,
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79. but I'll tell him you said, "Hi."
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80. This is uncomfortable.
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81. God bless you, Robert.
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82. How are you this fine morning?
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83. Hm?
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84. You're not a Jehovah Witness, are you?
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85. I'm in the Jehovah Witness protection program.
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86. Robert, I'm dyin'.
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87. That's right.
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88. Went to the doctor this morning.
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89. I only got six months to live.
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90. Tumor on the back.
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91. They call it "biggus backus tumoritis,"
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92. or some other big word that my tiny Negro brain
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93. and big lips can't pronounce.
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94. Doctors say they can't operate.
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95. But praise be to white God and his son, white Jesus.
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96. Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Ruckus.
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97. You're not contagious, are you?
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98. Just contagious with the Holy Spirit
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99. of our Caucasian Savior.
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100. I'm on a mission from God,
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101. and let me share his word with ya.
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102. Come, child of God.
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103. Come.
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104. Do you know what's going on?
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105. Please, everybody.
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106. Everybody, gather around to hear the good news.
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107. God is white, and he loves the white man above all others.
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108. All right!
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109. Woo-hoo!
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110. Yeah!
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111. Yeah!
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112. Ye—! Sorry.
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113. Don't be sorry, white man.
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114. Only niggas and Mexicans are sorry.
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115. Be joyful.
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116. God loves you.
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117. That's why he made his only begotten son in your image.
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118. God hates darkies.
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119. Well, actually, I'm more of a caramel complexion.
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120. But I'm outraged all the same!
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121. Hear ye, hear ye.
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122. White God is a good God.
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123. Even darkies can rejoice.
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124. For even ones cursed with the skin of coal
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125. can enter the gates of paradise if he hates his own blackness.
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126. In white Jesus' name, amen.
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127. What? That's right, Robert Freeman.
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128. You must hate thyself to save thyself.
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129. But, uh... we're okay?
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130. Excuse me?
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131. White people. We—? We're okay, right?
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132. Of course.
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133. Cool.
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134. So who among this flock will join me,
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135. so that the world can hear
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136. the joyful message of love and redemption?
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137. Ruckus, you done lost it this time.
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138. You really dying?
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139. Praise God, yes, I am.
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140. Heed the word, darkies.
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141. I think you're onto something.
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142. Tell me more.
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143. Well, first of all, the Gipper is standing at the Pearly Gates.
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144. Yeah, he's wearing a all-white suit,
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145. got some white tennis shoes on.
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146. At this point,
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147. we're resorting
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148. to what I call desperation tactics.
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149. Such as?
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150. How the hell
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151. do you expect me to do?
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152. I'm doin' not so great.
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153. I've sent anonymous letters to the governor,
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154. threatening to expose his gay lover.
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155. I wasn't aware the governor was gay.
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156. He probably isn't,
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157. but I figure 10 percent of the population is gay,
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158. and probably about half
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159. the people cheat on their spouses.
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160. So I figure that plan has about a 5 percent chance of success.
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161. Better than nothing.
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162. Huey.
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163. What?
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164. You always say I should have faith.
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165. Well, that's me having faith.
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166. Random, anonymous blackmail.
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167. Huey, they turned down the final appeal.
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168. The execution date has been set.
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169. It's in two months.
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170. Two months?
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171. That's so soon.
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172. I've had a long time to come to peace with this.
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173. It's not over yet.
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174. Why don't you just holler at him?
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175. Shit, I don't know. He's so detached.
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176. We used to spend all our yard time together.
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177. We used to lift weights together every day.
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178. He doesn't even spot me anymore.
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179. I think there's somebody else.
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180. Jail nigga,
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181. you gay.
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182. Well, you see, the blackness
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183. in our skin represents sin,
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184. which is why God wants us to hate the black in us.
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185. Ooh. That's interesting.
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186. Yes, yes.
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187. Yeah.
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188. Hate the sin, not the sinner.Wow.
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189. You got the point,
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190. little girl.
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191. You can't go to the Pearly Gates...
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192. Do you believe in God, Huey?
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193. I believe in God.
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194. First of all, I'm gonna live forever.
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195. But if I do die,
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196. I'll go smack God upside the head
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197. and go tell him to get me
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198. a grilled cheese sandwich and some tacos.
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199. When I want something
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200. or I'm afraid about something,
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201. I pray.
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202. Have you ever prayed?
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203. And I dare God to say something.
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204. I'll be like,
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205. "Say something, God. Say something.
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206. Yeah, I thought so."
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207. You should pray for Shabazz.
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208. God'll get him out of jail.
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209. They have to listen to him. He's God.
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210. And if God say something, I'll be like this: "Ooh!
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211. Take that, God."
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212. I'll be beatin' God's jaw like,
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213. bli-gah!
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214. Blah!
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215. Mm. Mm-hm. Hm.
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216. Excuse me, Reverend.
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217. Hey, hey, I know you. You Armstrong Elder.
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218. I seen you
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219. on the TV news.
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220. You the only darkie that I ever seen
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221. make any sense on the TV news.
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222. Hallelujah!
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223. And you talk white too.
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224. That's very impressive for a monkey, no offense.
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225. Uh, none taken.
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226. Now, if you don't mind,
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227. I'd like to talk to you about expanding your message.
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228. I bet you got a white wife.
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229. Yes, I do have a white wife.
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230. Can I see a picture of her?
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231. It's called Operation Black Steel.
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232. We should call it—
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233. We're callin' it Operation Black Steel.
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234. I like that name. We're not changin' it.
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235. What's your suggestion?
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236. "Jazmine and Huey's plan
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237. to get his friend out of jail."
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238. Why's your name first?
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239. Because I thought of the name.
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240. I'm callin' it Operation Black Steel.
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241. Suit yourself.
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242. You'll be sorry.
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243. What? Nothing.
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244. Whatever.
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245. Operation Black Steel works as follows:
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246. Shabazz K. Miltonburough will be executed
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247. exactly 63 days from now.
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248. That night,
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249. there'll be a candlelight vigil.
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250. Granddad,
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251. who refuses to take an interest
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252. in the fate of Brother Shabazz,
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253. will probably stay in the car and watch Friday.
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254. "All the pigs' feet." That's funny. Ha-ha!
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255. One hour before
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256. Brother Shabazz's execution,
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257. he will be taken from his cell
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258. and brought to the prison hospital,
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259. where he will receive his final examination.
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260. At precisely that time,
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261. I'll fake a massive heart attack.
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262. Somebody do something.
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263. Where's his parents?
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264. The kid's dyin', man.
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265. That's so funny.
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266. "It's your ass, Mr. Postman."
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267. The guards
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268. will have no choice
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269. but to bring me into the prison hospital
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270. while Shabazz is there.
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271. They'll have no idea
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272. I'm a black radical freedom fighter
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273. until it's too late.
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274. I'll be able to tranquilize two of the guards right away.
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275. After that, I've got the stun baton.
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276. Get some help.
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277. We got a problem here!
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278. Clear the way!
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279. Come on, move! Move!
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280. We'll be gone
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281. before they even know what hit.
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282. What happens then?
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283. Then I move to Cuba for the rest of my life.
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284. That's assuming I'm not killed in the breakout.
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285. Yeah.
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286. This is a good plan.
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287. Shabazz K. Miltonburough
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288. was actually interning
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289. for the Black Panthers in early 1970.
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290. He hadn't even earned
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291. his black beret and leather jacket.
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292. One fateful day, he heard a gunshot...
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293. and the words: MAN: A Gun!
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294. I, Eli Gorbinsky,
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295. hate deputy sheriffs.
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296. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I hate all police officers
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297. and parking enforcers.
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298. And that's why I,
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299. Eli Gorbinsky,
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300. shot this here deputy sheriff!
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301. Shabazz never investigated
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302. the gunshot
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303. or the oddly expositional phrase Eli yelled out.
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304. But within minutes,
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305. the cops busted down the door...
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306. What's going on?
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307. to the Black Panther office supply shed
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308. and arrested Shabazz... What—?
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309. for the murder of Deputy Sheriff Gary Fife.
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310. Several people witnessed the murder.
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311. One had 8mm video footage.
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312. Another happened to be a stenographer
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313. who had it all transcribed,
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314. including Eli's confession,
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315. which he oddly enough signed and dated.
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316. The murder weapon had Eli's prints all over it,
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317. which were clearly visible,
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318. since he had been enjoying
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319. a chocolate doughnut at the time of the shooting.
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320. There was also a receipt of sale attached to the gun,
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321. and the manufacturer warranty card was filled out,
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322. signed and dated by Eli.
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323. During the trial,
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324. footage of the incident
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325. confirmed the stenographer's note
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326. that Gary's last words were actually,
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327. "Eli Gorbinsky killed me."
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328. After only 20 minutes of deliberation,
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329. Shabazz K. Miltonburough
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330. was sentenced to death. Guilty as charged.
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331. Man, ain't this a bitch?
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332. Amen.
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333. White Jesus tells us:
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334. "In order to enter paradise,
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335. we must hate ourselves to save ourselves."
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336. Sound pretty simple, don't it?
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337. I can't believe this crazy fool
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338. is actually tryin' to start a church.
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339. Ruckus had partnered up
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340. with famous black conservative Armstrong Elders
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341. to market his "ministry."
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342. Elders was a media vet.
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343. He knew just how to package Ruckus for the masses.
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344. So you believe God is white?
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345. First of all, white man,
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346. let me say that I love you,
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347. honor you,
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348. envy you,
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349. enjoy your smell,
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350. and I celebrate you in the name of white Jesus.
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351. Um, thank you.
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352. No, thank you. Look at that.
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353. That's a handsome young man, ain't it?
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354. Now, if God looked like Isaac Hayes,
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355. do you think his son would look like this?
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356. So black people are—?
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357. Cursed! Cursed! Cursed!
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358. Just look around you.
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359. That's why we in the ghettos.
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360. That's why we in jail.
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361. That's why we on UPN.
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362. Because God don't like us.
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363. You think if God wanted to change that, he couldn't?
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364. Hell, he turned water to wine.
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365. He could have changed UPN to CBS.
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366. Reverend Ruckus and his peculiar message
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367. of race-based redemption
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368. has begun to spread, and fast.
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369. How fast?
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370. Reverend Ruckus will be holding a revival
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371. here at Woodcrest Post Pavilion tonight.
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372. Tickets are expected to sell out.
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373. Coming up next, time has run out
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374. for a condemned man who many say is innocent.
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375. After this.
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376. I don't get it.
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377. Who would actually follow Uncle Ruckus?
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378. We have to put a stop to this. We're going.
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379. Yeah?
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380. I'm calling you to say goodbye, Huey.
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381. And thanks for everything you did.
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382. It means a lot.
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383. It's not over.
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384. I promise.
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385. I can't say much
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386. because I know people are listenin',
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387. but... I promise you.
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388. Goodbye, Huey.
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389. Damn, Morpheus. What you about to do?
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390. I love you, man.
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391. Ugh!
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392. Nigga, you gay.
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393. But, Granddad, you promised to take me
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394. to the prison tonight—
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395. Not tonight.
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396. Somebody has to talk some sense into Ruckus.
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397. But I'm tryin' to save my friend.
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398. Me too. But I promised him.
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399. I gave him my word I'd be there.
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400. He's gonna die,
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401. and there's nothing you can do about it.
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402. You should pray for your friend, Huey.
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403. That's all anyone can do for him.
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404. Martin Luther King
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405. and the colored folks died before him—
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406. What makes your God any less made up than his?
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407. —dark chocolate soup.
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408. So hate the black within you.
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409. Row H, seats 44 and 45. Ha.
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410. Let's roll.
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411. Operation Black Steel,
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412. the mission to liberate Shabazz K. Miltonburough,
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413. was aborted...
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414. 'cause I couldn't get a ride.
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415. People say to me, "Ruckus?"
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416. I say, "Huh? Who said that?"
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417. They say, "How do I make it to white heaven?"
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418. Well, start by asking yourself,
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419. "How is my relationship with the white man?"
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420. Do you celebrate the white man's goodness every day?
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421. Do you stop and thank the white man
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422. for the food you eat and the clothes you wear?
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423. Huh?
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424. Well, if you don't, you going to hell.
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425. Now, I want everybody who isn't white
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426. to turn to a white person and say,
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427. "Thank you."
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428. Thank you.
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429. Thank you so much.
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430. Well, there are those of you who say I'm a racist.
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431. There are those of you who say I'm wrong for hatin' niggas.
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432. Well, I call y'all all hypocrites,
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433. because each and every one of you
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434. can name 10 niggas you hate right now if you had to.
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435. I never thought about it like that.
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436. There's Tyrone, Leon...
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437. Oh, Eddie.
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438. You don't have to admit it, that's okay.
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439. 'Cause I know you done already counted off
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440. five niggas in your head.
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441. You're like, "I hate that nigga Jamal.
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442. "Oh, I hate Otis.
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443. I can't stand Usher."
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444. Oh, my God, he's right.
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445. I hate Usher too. What?
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446. He's right.
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447. I think I hate black people.
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448. Tom, stop being stupid.
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449. No, I think I hate them all.
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450. I don't like Puffy.
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451. I don't like Kobe.
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452. I don't like— I don't like any of them.
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453. Tom, snap out of it. Come on. We're leaving.
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454. That's right.
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455. Somebody out there is feelin' the Spirit.
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456. I am. I am! I feel it!
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457. If you black of skin and full of sin,
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458. come forward, so I may lay my hands on you.
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459. Hah! Oh, thank you, Jesus.
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460. Black be gone.
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461. Hah!
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462. Praise white Jesus.
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463. Hah!
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464. Now I want everybody
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465. to find the nearest black man
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466. and lay hands on him.
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467. But, first, make sure your hand is balled up in a fist,
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468. so you can beat the black out of his soul.
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469. God smiles when you hate blackness,
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470. so you beat that darkie in the name of the Almighty.
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471. Hallelujah!
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472. People have lost their damn minds.
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473. What's wrong with y'all?
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474. Hey! Hey!
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475. That's right. Ronald Reagan said,
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476. "Beat a nigga's ass and go to heaven."
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477. God is good.
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478. I never prayed before.
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479. I don't even know who I'm praying to.
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480. And maybe I'm too young to know
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481. what the world is supposed to be...
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482. but it's not supposed to be this.
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483. It can't be this.
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484. So please—
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485. Governor. What is it?
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486. They found out about Raoul.
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487. Now, let us pray.
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488. Lord, I have spent my whole life hatin' you
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489. for makin' me black.
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490. And now I see I must hate myself and all those like me,
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491. and cause them misery,
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492. just like your servant Ronald Reagan did.
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493. And if any of my words don't come directly
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494. from the Almighty God himself,
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495. then may I be struck by lightning
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496. right this very instant.
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497. Halle—!
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498. What just happened?
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499. Would somebody like to get that?
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500. The lightning bolt
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501. that saved Shabazz's life
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502. seemed to have struck Uncle Ruckus on his tumor.
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503. Doctors would find
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504. no remaining signs of his cancer.
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505. Some called it a miracle.
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506. It seemed to make sense.
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507. And maybe there are forces
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508. in this universe
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509. we don't understand.
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510. Huh? Wha—?
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511. Get your black banana-peelin' hands off of me.
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512. But I still believe we make
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513. our own miracles.
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514. I don't know how they found out about us,
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515. but we have to end it, Raoul.
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516. Shabazz K. Miltonburough
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517. was not yet free,
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518. but for now, the mission had been accomplished.
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519. I decided to take the rest of the day off.
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520. I wonder if there's anything good on TV.
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