The Big Bang Theory 7x19

Directed by Anthony Joseph Rich

Laura Spencer as Emily Sweeney • Fernando Rivera as Salesperson • Rod Keller as Wardrobe Person • Wil Wheaton as Wil Wheaton

While Raj is wracked with guilt when he tries to date two women at once, Penny wrestles with whether to take a role in a cheesy movie and Sheldon is torn trying to choose between two gaming systems.

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1. Boy, do I have to urinate.

2. If only there were a solution to that.

3. Seriously. I feel like I've got a fish tank in my pelvis.

4. So go to the bathroom.

5. I can't.

6. Why not?

7. Because I'm trying to decide between getting

8. An xbox one or a ps4.

9. Oh, "pee." why'd I say that?

10. Forgive me for asking a stupid question,

11. But why are you being stupid?

12. I'm not being stupid.

13. I'm employing the work of dutch researcher, mirjam tuk,

14. Who found that people with full bladders make better decisions.

15. Why did I pee before I decided to move in here?

16. Hi! Hey.

17. Oh, how'd the audition go?

18. I killed it. I was even able to cry real tears

19. Right on the spot.

20. Oh, that's great. I know.

21. Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket,

22. Here come the waterworks.

23. Here come the waterworks!

24. Aren't you gonna ask?

25. What is this, my first day?

26. Can I get your opinion on something

27. That happened at work today?

28. Yeah, sure. Of course.

29. Okay, well, I did something

30. That will either make me look like a lovable goof

31. Or a horrible monster damned to spend eternity in hell.

32. I'm sure it's lovable.

33. I'm gonna go with monster. What do you got?

34. Well, there's this lady in our office who's retiring,

35. And they were passing around

36. One of those big cards for us to sign...

37. Okay.

38. But no one told me she was in

39. A horrible car accident over the weekend

40. And what I was signing

41. Was not a retirement card

42. But was actually a "get well" card.

43. I'm liking my odds here.

44. So on the card, in the hospital,

45. Next to the woman who's clinging to life are the words,

46. "hey, vivian. You deserve this."

47. "and at least with you gone,

48. No one will steal my yogurt out of the fridge."

49. No!

50. "lol. Smiley face."

51. Oh, my gosh.

52. "p.S. Good luck wherever you wind up."

53. Why didn't I put money on this?

54. hey, that's my agent.

55. If I got the part, it's still the second best thing

56. I've heard all day. Hello?

57. Am I a terrible person?

58. No. No, it was a mistake.

59. Am I a terrible person that it crossed my mind

60. That she might die and never see the card?

61. Now I think you're flirting with the line.

62. Good news?

63. No, I didn't get it.

64. I'm so sorry.

65. You'll get offered something soon.

66. I kind of did. The part in that awful horror movie

67. I passed on came back around.

68. Apparently, it's mine if I want it.

69. Are you gonna take it?

70. I don't know what to do.

71. Maybe you'll get hit by a car and die.

72. Lol, right?

73. Hey.

74. Emily, right?

75. Yeah...

76. I-I don't know if you remember me...

77. From the dating web site.

78. Your friend e-mailed me because you were afraid to,

79. Then you tracked me down and acted like a lunatic?

80. Yes, rajesh koothrappali.

81. Look, uh, I just...

82. I wanted to say I'm sorry.

83. Okay? You were, like, the coolest person

84. I ever found online, and I got really nervous

85. And I-I just blew it.

86. Uh, don't worry about it.

87. And if it makes you feel

88. Any better, you're not the weirdest guy

89. I've met off the internet.

90. Well, give me a chance— you don't even know me.

91. All right,

92. Here's your chance.

93. Wha... Really?

94. Thank you.

95. Fate has given me a rare second chance,

96. And I swear to vishnu I'm not gonna blow it.

97. Or normal words followed by a charming smile.

98. So, first there was playstation— aka ps1—

99. Then ps2, ps3

100. And now ps4. And that makes sense.

101. You'd think after xbox, there'd be xbox 2.

102. But no, next came xbox 360.

103. Hmm? And now,

104. After 360, comes xbox one.

105. Why "one"?

106. Maybe that's how many seconds of thought

107. They put into naming it.

108. Can you get the butter, please?

109. You know, however, with the xbox one,

110. I can control my entire entertainment system

111. Using voice commands.

112. Up until now, I've had to use leonard.

113. Then get the other one. Pass the butter.

114. Get... Hang on.

115. I don't feel like you're taking this dilemma seriously.

116. fine, sheldon.

117. You have my undivided attention.

118. Okay, now, the ps4 is

119. More angular and sleek-looking.

120. No way. Yeah, well,

121. It's true. But the larger size of the xbox one

122. May keep it from overheating.

123. Well, you wouldn't want your gaming system to overheat.

124. No, see? Well, you absolutely would not.

125. And furthermore, the xbox one

126. Now comes with a kinect included.

127. Included? Yes!

128. Not sold separately.

129. Although...

130. The ps4 uses cool new gddr5 ram,

131. While the xbox one is still using

132. The conventional ddr3 memory.

133. Why would they still be using ddr3?

134. Are they nuts?

135. See? That's what I thought.

136. But then they go and throw in an esram buffer. Whoa, whoa.

137. Wait a second. Who's "they"? Xbox.

138. You're kidding! No, I am not!

139. And this esram buffer should totally bridge

140. The 100-gigabit-per-second bandwidth gap

141. Between the two ram types.

142. This is a nightmare. How will you ever make a decision?

143. You see? I don't know!

144. What should I do?

145. Please pass the butter!

146. Okay, it's not me, right? This script is terrible.

147. Yeah.

148. I had higher hopes for a movie called

149. Serial ape-ist 2: Monkey see, monkey kill.

150. You know, it's still possible

151. For you to be good in a bad movie.

152. Okay.

153. "sometimes I feel like I can control

154. "the killer gorilla instinct inside of me,

155. "but then I see these bananas and I...

156. Just want to eat them and then kill people."

157. What am I gonna do? Well,

158. For starters, I wouldn't eat the bananas. No...

159. Come on! This is serious. Uh, uh,

160. Does it at least pay well?

161. Less than I was making at the cheesecake factory.

162. what does your agent think?

163. She's thinking of taking a job at the cheesecake factory.

164. You know what, why don't you just do it?

165. You'll go have fun for a few weeks, make some money—

166. And who knows what it might lead to?

167. Okay, look, here, page 58.

168. I oil-wrestle an orangutan in a bikini.

169. Just to clarify, which one of you is wearing the bikini?

170. Both of us.

171. So it's a family film.

172. Thank you again for dinner.

173. You're welcome.

174. Good night. Uh,

175. It's date night.

176. Aren't you, uh, forgetting something?

177. Oh, of course.

178. Did I mention the ps4 controllers light up?

179. No.

180. Well, they do.

181. And then after coffee, we went for a walk

182. And she told me she always thought people from india

183. Were exotic and mysterious.

184. So, with my mouth, I said, "we're just like anybody else,"

185. But with my eyes, I said,

186. "straight up, red, hop on my flying carpet."

187. So, you gonna see her again?

188. Yeah, we have plans this weekend.

189. And if it's a clear night,

190. I'm gonna lay some romantic astronomy on her.

191. Okay, like what? Show me.

192. I can't do that to leonard.

193. This is some powerful panty-dropping stuff.

194. You have my blessing. Go for it.

195. Okay.

196. Penny,

197. Two of the brightest stars in the night sky

198. Are altair and vega.

199. And it is said they were deeply in love

200. But forever separated

201. By the celestial river of the milky way.

202. Oh, that's sad. It is.

203. But once a year,

204. On the seventh day of the seventh month,

205. Vega cries so hard that all the magpies in the world fly up

206. And create a bridge with their wings

207. So the two lovers can be together

208. For a single night

209. Of passion.

210. Wow.

211. Okay, that's enough.

212. Quick poll: Ps4 or xbox one?

213. Raj.

214. Uh, xbox one. Penny.

215. Huh?

216. Leonard. Ps4.

217. Wolowitz. Both great.

218. Bernadette. I like the wii.

219. Thanks, grandma.

220. Oh, my goodness. What's up?

221. I just got an e-mail from my ex-girlfriend lucy.

222. She... Misses me and wants to get together.

223. Two women at the same time?

224. Nice job, playa!

225. Really?

226. Was it the "two women" thing or the "playa"?

227. It was the "playa."

228. What am I supposed to do?

229. How am I supposed to choose between emily and lucy?

230. Why do you have to choose? Date both of them.

231. I can't date two women at once.

232. Zero women— that's my sweet spot.

233. Unless you're sleeping

234. With one of them, seeing other people isn't a big deal.

235. But what if one of them asks me

236. What I was up to the night before

237. And I was with the other one? Then, what, do I lie?

238. Yes. Yes.

239. What do you mean, yes?

240. What do you mean, yes?

241. Were you seeing other women when we started dating?

242. No. Were you seeing other men?

243. No.

244. Were you seeing other men?

245. No.

246. Aren't you gonna ask me?

247. Come on, really?

248. Thank you so much for letting us pick your brain.

249. Yeah, happy to help.

250. So, what's going on? Well, I'm having

251. An impossible time getting my career off the ground,

252. And I got offered a role in this crappy horror movie,

253. And I just don't know if I should take it.

254. Well, I have certainly taken some jobs

255. That I've been embarrassed by.

256. I wouldn't exactly call star trek embarrassing.

257. I wasn't.

258. Me, either.

259. So, what do you think,

260. Is there a professional downside to doing it?

261. Well, it's tricky.

262. You want to take projects that you're excited about,

263. But sometimes you also have to pay the bills.

264. When you're on the set working on something

265. That you just know in your heart is bad— not star trek...

266. Yeah, beam me up. I love it!

267. Anyway, those jobs can be soul-crushing.

268. That's what I'm afraid of.

269. Well, I was in stand by me when I was a kid,

270. And it was a huge success.

271. The terrible movies I did came after that.

272. I mean, imagine how that feels.

273. Sounds rough.

274. I'm telling you, this business is brutal.

275. To this day, I hate going on auditions.

276. Okay, I walk in, and I can just

277. Feel them thinking...

278. "he was such a cute kid. What happened to him?"

279. And then I don't get the job,

280. And I can never find out why.

281. Honestly, I get so depressed, there are entire weeks

282. That I can't even get out of bed.

283. Okay, this was helpful.

284. Any news on your coworker who's in the hospital?

285. Poor thing, she was in surgery for 18 hours.

286. She's alive, but she's still in critical condition.

287. Oh, no.

288. The one bit of good news is they put her

289. In a medically induced coma before she read the card.

290. So, you know, silver linings.

291. Were you like this when I married you?

292. Don't worry about it, buddy.

293. Okay, bye.

294. That was wil— he's feeling a lot better.

295. Apparently, he's 12-down in the tv guide crossword puzzle.

296. Did he help you make a decision about the movie?

297. No. Did you figure out

298. What you're gonna do about the two girls?

299. As a matter of fact, I did.

300. I've spent so many years

301. Living in fear, saying no to new experiences,

302. But from now on,

303. I'm gonna say yes— yes to love,

304. Yes to adventure, yes to life; whatever it may be,

305. The answer's going to be yes.

306. He's gonna die alone, right?

307. Yeah. Yes.

308. I'm proud of you, sheldon.

309. You know, I'm proud of me, too.

310. I've done all my research, I conducted an informal poll,

311. And I've arrived at the rock-solid certainty

312. I've made the right choice.

313. Well, that's got to be a good feeling. Oh, it is.

314. Although... Oh, crap.

315. I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a betamax

316. Instead of a vhs.

317. You were just a little kid.

318. Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format

319. To record the macneil/lehrer report.

320. I also was certain

321. That hd dvd would win out over blu-ray.

322. How old were you then? Old enough to know better.

323. You know, and now that I think about it,

324. I stood in front of a case of ipods

325. And I bought a zune.

326. What's a zune?

327. Yeah, exactly.

328. It's an mp3 player

329. Brought to us by the makers of xbox.

330. What... No, what are you doing?

331. No, no, pick that back up.

332. You know it's good. You did the research.

333. But what if I'm wrong?

334. You know what?

335. How about I buy it for you?

336. How about

337. I buy you both?

338. You know I only have one slot available

339. In my entertainment center.

340. Then I'll buy you a new entertainment center.

341. Well, yeah... Okay, sure.

342. But which one?

343. How about this?

344. I've heard

345. That if you flip a coin,

346. It will tell you how you actually feel.

347. Because you'll either be disappointed

348. Or excited by the outcome.

349. Interesting.

350. So, heads it's ps4, tails it's xbox one.

351. All right, I'll try.

352. What is it?

353. A quarter.

354. Could have given it back to me.

355. That was a choice.

356. You look...

357. You look really pretty tonight.

358. Thanks.

359. I love that jacket.

360. Thank you. Thanks, thanks.

361. I'm sorry. I can't do this.

362. My... My ex-girlfriend e-mailed me,

363. And I'm seeing her Saturday...

364. And I'm glad you like it— it's from j. Crew.

365. I don't understand.

366. My friends told me it was okay

367. To see more than one person at a time,

368. But it-it feels like I'm being deceitful.

369. Are you getting back together with her?

370. No.

371. I-I... I have no idea.

372. What would you do?

373. Uh, usually on first dates, I talk about music and stuff,

374. But I was promised weird, so let's do this.

375. How serious were you two?

376. Well, to be honest,

377. We only went on four dates, hugged twice, kissed once,

378. And there was a handshake loaded with sexual innuendo.

379. Wait, so...

380. A girl you never slept with sent you an e-mail

381. And you felt so guilty about it that you had to tell me?

382. Yeah.

383. That's kind of adorable.

384. Are you... Are you sure?

385. Because this is the part of the night

386. Where I've said something stupid and the girl usually leaves.

387. I'm still here.

388. Yeah, but now you make me wonder what's wrong with you.

389. We just met.

390. You don't need to tell me about other people you're seeing.

391. Really? Mm-hmm.

392. Because "I'm dating two women"

393. Is basically the only cool thing I can say about myself.

394. On the one hand, the xbox one has a better camera...

395. But the ps4 has a removable hard drive.

396. Thoughts?

397. I can't feel my legs.

398. Oh... I'm sorry, guys,

399. But the store closed five minutes ago.

400. But I haven't decided yet.

401. You'll have to come back tomorrow.

402. The registers are closed.

403. Let's get you some food.

404. Y-you'll feel better after you eat.

405. Okay.

406. What-what do you want, like, thai food?

407. A... A burger?

408. I don't know!

409. Hey, look, a quarter!

410. How's that feel?

411. Great.

412. Not like regret at all.

413. Penny?

414. We're working together!

415. Awesome!