The Beverly Hillbillies 1x8

Directed by Richard Whorf

Bea Benaderet as Cousin Pearl Bodine • Frank Wilcox as John Brewster • Phil Gordon as Jasper "Jazzbo" Depaw • Eleanor Audley as Mrs. Potts • Lisa Davis as Diana

Pearl continues to pursue Mr. Brewster, while a Jasper Depew courts Jethrine. Jed tries to enroll Jethro at an exclusive Beverly Hills elementary school. When the headmistress learns that the Clampetts are neighbors of Mr. Drysdale, who holds the mortgage on the school, she warms up to the idea. There is a bit of a shock when she comes by to pick up Jethro and realizes who will be her new fifth grader.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - "The Beverly Hillbillies!"

2. - Hey, everybody! Look what I got!

3. Uncle Jed, Granny, Elly May! We got a letter from Ma!

4. - What's Jethro yellin' about?

5. - Sounded like he said we got a litter from Ma!

6. - What's all the commotion?

7. - Elly says Jethro says Pearl sent us a litter.

8. - A litter of what?

9. - Did you hear what?

10. - No, but I betcha it's kittens.

11. - Yep, it's probably kittens.

12. Pearl's always tryin' to give away kittens.

13. - Oh, there y'all are!

14. - Where's the kittens, Jethro?

15. - What kittens?

16. - Didn't your ma send us some kittens?

17. - Just a minute.

18. Nope, just a letter.

19. - Jethro, how could you think that kittens would...

20. Aw, come on, sit down, let's hear what Pearl's got to say.

21. - "Dear son and kinfolk:

22. I take pen in hand to say we are all fine back here.

23. How are you all out there?"

24. - Just fine, Pearl.

25. - That's right.

26. - "Jethro, I hope you are making good marks

27. in school out there."

28. Ma thinks I'm goin' to school!

29. "Are you in the fifth grade like you would be here?"

30. - By doggie, Jethro,

31. I clean forgot about puttin' you in school.

32. We're gonna have to get you started today!

33. - Can I go too?

34. - Well, nah, I think Ms. Hathaway's got plans

35. to put you in some girls' school.

36. - Can I go too?

37. - But Jethro, I just said it was a girls' school.

38. - That's why I wanna go! I like girls.

39. - I don't.

40. - Well now, let's get finished with the letter.

41. After that we'll take care of school.

42. - "Your sister Jethrine had a narrow escape.

43. A city dude tried to take advantage of her."

44. - What does that mean, Pa?

45. - Well, that's, um...

46. Well, Granny'll explain that to you later.

47. Tell us some more about the city dude, Jethro.

48. - "His name is Jasper He."

49. - Jasper He?

50. - That's a funny name!

51. - Oh. They's a dot in there.

52. "His name is Jasper.

53. He wears patent leather shoes and spats on them."

54. - Don't sound too neat, does he?

55. - "He seen your sister at the cabin

56. when I went there to keep an eye on it for Cousin Jed."

57. - Huh! I know what Pearl went there to keep an eye on.

58. That Mr. Brewster!

59. - Well now, Granny, Pearl's a widow woman.

60. She got a right to look.

61. - Nah, I ain't knockin' it.

62. I got my eyes open myself.

63. - "At first I thought the city dude worked for Mr. Brewster

64. so I drove back out to the cabin

65. to give him a piece of my mind."

66. - I could put a bug in that Mr. Brewster's ear.

67. Look out for feathers.

68. - Feathers?

69. - The more Pearl has her eye on a man,

70. the more feathers she sticks in her hat.

71. - That's right.

72. Three and eight came in flowing 2,000 barrels a day,

73. and it looks like the new strike's gonna be even better.

74. Well, there's no doubt it,

75. this is one of the richest pools we've ever hit.

76. Yep, everything from here is good news.

77. Uh, well, not everything.

78. I'll call you back.

79. Mrs. Bodine, this is a pleasant surprise.

80. - Well, thank you.

81. Although you might not think it so pleasant

82. when you hear what I have to say.

83. - Oh?

84. - One of them oil fellas workin' for you

85. has made advances to my daughter.

86. - Made advances?

87. - Well, what would you call bein' picked up

88. and carried off by brute force?

89. - Well, I'd call that making advances.

90. What's his name?

91. - Jasper Depew. - Jasper Depew.

92. - I ain't seen him myself,

93. but from what Jethrine tells me

94. he's a pretty slick article.

95. - Well...

96. - Oh, Mr. Brewster,

97. you don't know how hard it is for two girls

98. livin' alone like Jethrine and me.

99. You see, my son Jethro's in Californy with Cousin Jed,

100. leavin' us no man to protect us.

101. I'm a widow woman, you know.

102. But I guess wherever you have

103. two unattached girls livin' alone

104. there's bound to be trouble.

105. Especially when the girls are the kind

106. that men call lookers.

107. - I don't think that...

108. Did you say his name is Depew?

109. - Jasper Depew.

110. Calls himself Jazzbo.

111. Oh, Jethrine says he's a flashy dresser

112. and fancy talker and drives a sporty car,

113. regular big city dude.

114. (chuckles) I guess Jethrine's kinda like me

115. when it comes to tall, handsome city fellas.

116. I'm just putty in their hands.

117. - Nope, no one by that name working for O.K. Oil.

118. - You mind if I look?

119. - Well, no, go right ahead.

120. - I'm bound and determined to find the rascal

121. that trifled with the affections

122. of my sweet, innocent, helpless baby girl.

123. - Ma!

124. - Jethrine, I thought I told you to stay in the buggy!

125. - I seen Jasper Depew comin'.

126. - Here? - Yes'm.

127. - Oh, well, thank goodness

128. we got Mr. Brewster to protect us.

129. Ooh! There he is! (whimpers)

130. - "Mr. Brewster throwed his arms around me

131. and held me in his strong embrace."

132. - What's a embrace, Pa?

133. - Well, that's when folks

134. kinda twine their arms around one another.

135. - You mean like wrasslin'?

136. - It's sorta like wrasslin', except they ain't mad.

137. - It's like wrasslin' for fun!

138. - Yeah, I reckon you could say that.

139. Go on, Jethro.

140. - "Then we heard a knock on the door

141. and we knowed it was Jasper He."

142. - Better look for that dot again.

143. - Oh.

144. Yeah.

145. "We knowed it was Jasper.

146. He was there to get Jethrine.

147. Her beauty had set his heart to burnin'

148. with flamin' desire."

149. - What's flamin' desire, Pa?

150. - Well, uh, Granny'll explain that to you later.

151. - Welp,

152. I'll try,

153. but you're sure countin' a heap on my memory.

154. - Read on with your ma's letter there, Jethro.

155. - Yeah, it's gettin' good.

156. One city fella's got his arms around Aunt Pearl

157. and another's waitin' at the door to grab Cousin Jethrine!

158. - "My only thought was to save my daughter,

159. so I tore loose from Mr. Brewster's embrace.

160. I saw Jethrine a-headin' for the door

161. so I quick throwed myself betwixt my child and danger.

162. Sweet, innocent Jethrine, not knowin' better,

163. let that rascal in.

164. He went right to sweet-talkin'

165. in a voice smoother than fresh-churned butter."

166. - Hello again, you great, big, beautiful lump of sugar.

167. I brought you somethin' all the way from Eureka Springs,

168. genuine orchids growed in a hothouse.

169. And this lovely young girl must be your sister.

170. - I'm her ma!

171. - No! - Yeah!

172. - Well, for Jethrine's beautiful mother,

173. a little gift of genuine French-imported perfume

174. all the way from Paris, France.

175. - Oh! Why, you hadn'a oughta.

176. (gasps) Oh my goodness!

177. Genuine Paris, France perfume!

178. - Look at that French writin' on there.

179. That says Eau D' Amour.

180. That means, "Oh, love."

181. - Ain't he a sport, Ma?

182. - And for Jethrine's handsome father,

183. a genuine cigarette case, silver.

184. - Thank you, but I am not Jethrine's father.

185. - No, Mr. Brewster ain't my husband.

186. He's just a friend.

187. - Well, any friend of Jethrine's beautiful mother

188. is a friend of mine.

189. It's from old Mexico and hammered outta solid silver

190. by the Aztecs Indians hundreds of years ago.

191. - Well, that brings up an interesting question:

192. why would the Aztecs make cigarette cases

193. when they had no cigarettes?

194. - That is an interesting question.

195. I'll have to ask some of my Aztecs friends about that.

196. He, doll.

197. (Jazzbo strums ukulele) Remember "Ain't She Sweet"?

198. Well, I've read...

199. Hey! What happened to your orchid?

200. - Nothin'. I ate 'em already.

201. - You mean you ate all them expensive orchids?

202. - Ma, you shoulda spoke for one.

203. They wasn't very filling.

204. - Jethrine! Put him down!

205. - "So your sister Jethrine

206. has hot herself a steady fella now.

207. He says he is goin' to ask for her hand someday.

208. I hope he will take the rest of her too. Ha ha.

209. Give my love to all and be a good boy.

210. I am goin' out now to mail this letter

211. and get some more feathers for my hat."

212. - Ha ha.

213. - "As ever, your lovin' mother."

214. Gee, sure nice to hear from Ma.

215. - Nice letter, nice hearin'.

216. - Jethro, you and me has gotta go right out

217. and find a school and get you to goin'.

218. Granny, you pack up a nice lunch for Jethro to tote along.

219. - How about a big mess of poke greens and chitlins

220. with some pone and a big pot of sorghum to dip it in?

221. - Fine!

222. - Now, Granny, it don't have to be that fancy.

223. Some of the other boys here in Beverly Hills

224. might not have it so good.

225. They'd go to complainin' to their folks.

226. - Well, let 'em complain.

227. It ain't gonna hurt none to raise their standard a little.

228. - I'll get the truck, Uncle Jed.

229. - Pa? Please let me go with Jethro.

230. I can help him fight if the big kids in the fifth grade

231. goes to pickin' on him.

232. - Now, Elly, I know for sure that Ms. Hathaway

233. has got other plans for your schoolin'.

234. - But with Jethro gone, I won't have nobody to play with.

235. - Oh, yes you will.

236. I just remembered somethin'.

237. Mr. Drysdale's stepson is comin' home for Thanksgivin'

238. and he's gonna be livin' right next door,

239. and you can play with him.

240. Mr. Drysdale gave me some pictures of him.

241. Here's some pictures of Sonny.

242. That's what they call him, Sonny.

243. He's been goin' through a lotta schools

244. and he oughta know some real good games to play.

245. Ain't he somethin'?

246. - Yeah, but what?

247. - Why, he's a boy.

248. - Are you sure?

249. - Well now, Elly, just 'cause he's wearin'...

250. Oh, there's Jethro. (horn honking)

251. Now you keep thinkin' about how much fun

252. you're gonna be havin' with him right next door.

253. You know, he does kinda favor

254. that movie actor Rudolph Valentino.

255. - Here's Jethro's lunch.

256. I didn't have time to fix much,

257. but it'll hold him till he gets home from school.

258. I got a little surprise in there.

259. I been savin' it for a special day

260. and I reckon this is it.

261. - What is it, Granny? - Deviled hawk eggs.

262. - Whoo, doggie.

263. Makes me wish I was goin' to school.

264. - The school, all right.

265. Millicent, Schuyler and Potts.

266. I reckon them three is the teachers!

267. - Three teachers? Must be a awful big school.

268. - I'll say.

269. - Well, let's go in there and get you started.

270. - There you are.

271. Uh, may I help you?

272. - Well, I reckon maybe you can.

273. - Diana?

274. Someone has parked a most disreputable-looking vehicle

275. outside my window.

276. - Perhaps it was these gentlemen.

277. - Oh?

278. - Yes? What is it you wish?

279. - Well, I'd like to get my nephew started into school.

280. - Here?

281. - Yeah, here's all right,

282. if you got room for a desk and his lunch basket.

283. - My dear man, this a most exclusive private school.

284. The tuition is quite expensive,

285. well beyond your means I'm sure.

286. - Does that mean it costs a lotta money?

287. - That is precisely what it means.

288. - Well, I can pay ya if it ain't over 25 million.

289. - 25 million?

290. - Yes ma'am, that's all I got.

291. - Dollars?

292. - Yes ma'am. - In cash.

293. - Yes ma'am.

294. - This is obviously a practical joke

295. perpetrated by one of my envious competitors.

296. What is your name?

297. - Jed Clampett, ma'am, and this here is-

298. - And you expect me to believe that you have $25 million?

299. - Well, no, not on me, ma'am,

300. but my neighbor, Mr. Drysdale,

301. he's keepin' it in his bank for me.

302. - Oh.

303. Get me Milburn Drysdale at the Commerce Bank.

304. You see, it just so happens

305. that Mr. Drysdale holds the mortgage on this school,

306. so we are very well acquainted.

307. - Hello? I'd like to speak to Mr. Milburn Drysdale-

308. - Now, if you wish to admit that this is a hoax

309. and be on your way, we will forget the entire incident.

310. Otherwise you may be liable to some sort of action

311. for invasion of private property

312. and impersonating a millionaire.

313. - Mrs. Potts? Mr. Drysdale is coming on the line now.

314. - Thank you.

315. This is your last chance, Mr. Clampett.

316. My next call will be to the police.

317. Very well.

318. Mr. Drysdale. Millicent Schuyler-Potts here.

319. Come in, come in, come in, come in.

320. - Thank you, ma'am.

321. - Diana, tea for these gentlemen.

322. Crumpet?

323. - Oh, no, ma'am. Clampett.

324. - Just tea, Diana. Use the Spode tea set.

325. Well, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down!

326. - Well, it's just the two of us.

327. Elly May and Granny didn't come.

328. - Yes, well, do make yourselves comfortable.

329. Mr. Drysdale's exact words to me were, ah...

330. Oh, well, nevermind his exact words,

331. but apparently he values your friendship greatly

332. and Mr. Drysdale is a very important mortgage...

333. Uh, man.

334. Well, now then,

335. shall we talk about your youngster

336. who's entering our fifth grade?

337. What is his name?

338. - Jethro Bodine.

339. - Bodine,

340. Jethro.

341. - Uh, no, ma'am. Jethro Bodine.

342. - We always put the last name first.

343. Now, male, of course.

344. - Uh, yes ma'am. Just got a letter this mornin'.

345. - Date of birth?

346. - December the 4th.

347. - Year?

348. - No ma'am, back home.

349. We only been here a few weeks.

350. - Perhaps you should answer the questions

351. for our vital statistics.

352. Now, we need to know the complete birthdate,

353. which in turn gives us the exact age.

354. Now, we have December 4th,

355. and judging from the fact that your nephew

356. is entering the fifth grade,

357. I would surmise that the year is '51 or '52, am I correct?

358. - Oh, no, Jethro ain't near that old.

359. - Really?

360. And in the fifth grade?

361. Why, that's wonderful.

362. Oh, perhaps we have a budding genius on our hands!

363. (knock at door) Entree.

364. I'll pour.

365. Oh, Diana, I'd like you to bring me

366. one of our boys' uniforms to show these gentlemen,

367. a fifth-grade size.

368. No. No, on second thought you'd better make it third grade.

369. He's younger than average.

370. - Yes, Mrs. Potts.

371. - We require that all of our students

372. wear identical uniforms.

373. It makes for less friction that way.

374. Otherwise the boys of millionaires

375. are apt to be taunted by the really rich.

376. - I'll betcha Jethro'll look right good in a uniform.

377. He can't wait to be a soldier.

378. - Yes, many a young lad is like that.

379. However, our uniforms do not reflect

380. any militaristic design.

381. No, rather we strive for something

382. gay, attractive and smart.

383. Oh, there you are.

384. Charming, isn't it?

385. Now, you take this home and have Jethro wear it

386. when he comes to school in the morning.

387. - Wear this?

388. - 'Fraid Granny'll have to make considerable changes in this

389. before it'll fit Jethro.

390. - So tiny?

391. - Yes ma'am.

392. - And in the fifth grade?

393. Why, the boy must be a genius.

394. Well, you may be very sure that we will bring him out.

395. - If he wears this he'll bust out.

396. - Now then, how do you gentlemen like your tea?

397. - Um, we don't know, ma'am. We ain't tasted it yet.

398. - Oh, you are the fun-loving one, aren't you?

399. - Yes ma'am!

400. - Granny? Here's Jethro's school clothes.

401. You want me to help let 'em out?

402. - Oh, well thank ya, Elly,

403. but let's see what has to be done.

404. Maybe they fit him already.

405. That supposed to be a hat?

406. - I reckon so.

407. - What's that?

408. - Well, Jethro said it stands for Potts.

409. - Pots?

410. - That's the school he's goin' to, Potts School.

411. - Well, he'll be learnin' a good trade.

412. If there's somethin' folks always needs, it's pots.

413. - Jethro can make you some dandy new ones

414. once he catches on to it.

415. - Who in the Sam Hill is supposed to wear that?

416. - Well, Jethro, I reckon.

417. - Jethro couldn't have wore that at three!

418. - Well, Pa said it would take some lettin' out.

419. - Lettin' out?

420. There ain't enough seams in the whole world to let that out.

421. - How's it goin' Granny?

422. Are you gettin' my uniform all ready?

423. - Jethro Bodine!

424. - No'm, Granny. Over at the school it's Bodine, Jethro.

425. - Elly May, leave the room.

426. - Ain't you got no shame,

427. runnin' around here in your underpants?

428. - Granny, these ain't underpants. They's swimmin' trunks!

429. - You wrap that towel around you before I cut a switch.

430. - But Granny, Ms. Hathaway says-

431. - I don't care who says what!

432. Now, I'll be glad when your Ma gets out here

433. to take you in hand

434. and to make you some school clothes!

435. These things ain't never gonna fit.

436. - But Granny, I gotta have these in the mornin'!

437. It's a rule! All us kids over there's gotta wear these.

438. And that coat too.

439. - Yeah?

440. I sure wish your ma was here with her sewin' machine.

441. Pearl's a whiz at makin' clothes.

442. - Now that you're gonna be keepin' company with Jazzbo Depew

443. you're gonna need some nice clothes.

444. - I like the little feller, Ma.

445. - I'm glad, Jethrine.

446. But you gotta stop pickin' him up all the time.

447. - He ain't heavy.

448. - That ain't the point!

449. It don't look fittin' for a girl

450. to run around carryin' a fella.

451. - All right, I won't pick him up anymore.

452. Till we get married.

453. - Why would you pick him up then?

454. - To carry him over the threshold.

455. - You ain't supposed to carry him!

456. He's supposed to carry...

457. No, that's ridiculous.

458. I declare, I don't know how I'm gonna keep you in clothes

459. the way you're shootin' up.

460. I start a new outfit

461. and by the time I get it stitched together

462. you've outgrowed it.

463. - My new shoes is already too tight for my feet.

464. - Oh, them feet.

465. If they get any bigger

466. you're gonna have to go outside to turn around.

467. - My feet ain't as big as Jethro's!

468. - Well, of course not! He's a boy!

469. Just think, your brother Jethro's goin' to school

470. in Beverly Hills, Californy.

471. - Yeah.

472. I'm homesick for to see him, Ma.

473. - Me too, Jethrine.

474. I'll bet your rich Uncle Jed has Jethro duded up

475. like one of them actors in movie pictures.

476. - I can't understand these Beverly Hills schools.

477. Wearin' that uniform ain't gonna make you no smarter.

478. - Well, Ms. Potts said I had to wear it this mornin',

479. and she's the boss teacher.

480. - Danged if Jethro ain't right.

481. Every time that music plays, somebody comes to the door!

482. - Good morning, good morning!

483. Surprise, surprise.

484. - Hey, good morning, Ms. Potts.

485. - Oh, I decided to come by

486. and drive our diminutive genius to school myself.

487. - Our what?

488. - Your nephew, Jethro.

489. - Oh, yes ma'am. Jethro!

490. Come on down here! You got a ride to school!

491. Well, that's mighty nice of you, ma'am.

492. - Oh, tut, tut, tut.

493. I'm going to give the boy my personal special attention.

494. I feel that when one...

495. - Well, howdy there, Ms. Potts!

496. You come to take me to school?

497. - You bet she is.

498. Now, I want you to be a good boy and make good marks

499. so your ma'll be proud of you.

500. - This is your nephew?

501. - Yes ma'am. You met him yesterday, you 'member?

502. Course he does look a mite different in his uniform.

503. Granny had a time gettin' it to fit, but she done it.

504. - You?

505. Are in the fifth grade?

506. - Oh, yes ma'am! Just finished three years in the fourth!

507. - But I can't...

508. It's impossible.

509. - Oh, that ain't nothin'.

510. He got through the first grade in only two years.

511. - Under no circumstances can I allow this.

512. - Well, say, here comes Mr. Drysdale!

513. I reckon he's comin' to see Jethro off to school.

514. - Oh.

515. Well, uh...

516. Come along, Jethro. Hippity-hop.

517. - Here's Jethro's lunch.

518. - Oh! Jethro!

519. You forgot your lunch!

520. Now, Jethro, you share your grits and fatback

521. with Ms. Potts today!