The Beverly Hillbillies 1x7

1. - "The Beverly Hillbillies."

2. - Well, Granny, did you pick out

3. your spot yet for the garden?

4. - Yep, I kinda favor a patch

5. right close here to the house.

6. - Yeah, well, I'll plow you up some there directly.

7. - Just enough for some onions and taters

8. and some rudybakers.

9. And a few rows of corn.

10. - Pa?

11. Morning, Granny.

12. Pa, can I help you with the plowin' and the spadin'?

13. - Well, Elly, I'd rather you put on

14. one of them pretty dresses that Miss Hathaway got you.

15. - But Pa, I can plow better in these clothes.

16. - I don't mean for plowin'.

17. You know Elly, I'd like you to wear

18. one of them dresses kinda regular.

19. Wouldn't you, Granny?

20. - You're mighty fetchin' in a dress, Elly.

21. - Prettier than a tub of fresh churned butter.

22. - Pa, if I go to wearin' them dresses,

23. Jethro'll make fun of me.

24. - I reckon he hadn't better.

25. Now, you run along and put on somethin' with a skirt.

26. - All right, but he hadn't better make fun.

27. - He won't, he won't.

28. You know, speakin' of Jethro,

29. I think he's got hisself a sweetheart.

30. - The banker's secretary? - That's right.

31. They was out together last night.

32. - What'd they do?

33. - Well, I don't rightly know for sure,

34. but it was something to do with bowls.

35. - All you do with bowls is eat.

36. - Well, I reckon that's what it was then.

37. She said she was gonna take him bowlin'.

38. - You know Jed, I kinda like that Miss Hathaway.

39. - Yeah, I think she kinda likes us, too.

40. - Oh, those marvelous Clampetts.

41. Those simple, rugged, mountain people.

42. The more I see of them, the more I am impressed.

43. - Yes, now, I have- - Never have I observed

44. such strength of body, mind, and character.

45. - Yes, now I- - They stand like a boulder

46. in the pebble-strewn landscape of Beverly Hills,

47. like mighty oaks among bushes.

48. Like- - Like, quiet!

49. Like I admire them, too.

50. But those boulders need polishing,

51. and we've got to put some city leaves on those oaks

52. before my wife gets back from Boston.

53. - Incidentally, in any endeavor requiring physical strength,

54. they are most exceptional.

55. I took Jethro bowling last night.

56. Here's the bill.

57. - $3,000?

58. How many games did you bowl?

59. - See, what happened was this, I said to Jethro-

60. - "Pick up that bowling ball," she says,

61. "and see can you knock over them pins down yonder."

62. They's just sticks.

63. Anyway, I snatches up that rascal,

64. draws back, and let's her fly.

65. - Did you knock down them pins?

66. - Yeah, the pins, the pin boy,

67. the end of the building, a brick wall,

68. and a sign board down on Sunset Boulevard.

69. - I bet you Miss Jane didn't do that good.

70. - Well, she didn't even try.

71. Well, she just looks at me and says,

72. "Jethro, you're strong as an ox and twice as handsome."

73. - Ain't no two ways about it, Granny,

74. that city girl is sweet on this boy.

75. - I reckon so the way she's braggin' on his looks.

76. You are handsomer than an ox.

77. - Thank you, Granny.

78. Cousin Elly, you're a city girl now, do you think-

79. - You see that, Pa, I told you this would happen

80. if I took to wearing these dresses.

81. You call me that again,

82. and I'll turn you every way but loose.

83. - I didn't say nothin' but city gal.

84. - Elly May Clampett, you get up from there

85. or you're goin' across my knee.

86. - And Jethro, you're goin' across mine.

87. - What did I do that was so all fired bad?

88. In that dress, she looks just like a city gal.

89. - You did it again!

90. - I reckon we better go out there

91. and see she don't hurt him.

92. - Elly May, leave me be! Leave me be, Elly May!

93. - Jethro, now that we's livin' in the city,

94. you got to learn to use the steps.

95. - You'll be happy to know that I making

96. splendid progress with Elly May.

97. She's turning into quite a lady.

98. - Fine.

99. It's Jed, Granny, and Jethro we've got to work on.

100. Clothes, manners, the works.

101. What have you done about servants?

102. - That's a problem, Chief.

103. They're basically a opposed to the whole idea

104. of able-bodied people letting others do their work for them.

105. - Well, that's a refreshing attitude,

106. but we've got to get a skeleton staff

107. in there somehow, a combination butler and valet

108. for Jed and Jethro to help them assemble a wardrobe,

109. teach them how to...

110. Ravenswood.

111. - Your butler?

112. - Oh, he's never been my butler.

113. Came with my wife like an overweight dowry.

114. Been in her family for years.

115. And with Margaret in Boston, I can certainly spare him,

116. plus her upstairs girl, Marie.

117. - I doubt if you can sell Mr. Clampett

118. on the idea of servants.

119. - Get him on the phone.

120. I'll make him think he's doing me a favor

121. by taking 'em off my hands for a while.

122. - Right, Chief.

123. - She hadn't oughta throwed me down on my head like that.

124. What if I'd a been carryin' a frog in my hat?

125. - You ain't supposed to be wearing your hat in the house.

126. - Well Granny, where's a fella

127. gonna carry a frog? (telephone ringing)

128. They jump out of your pockets.

129. - Hello?

130. Oh, howdy there, Mr. Drysdale.

131. Glad to have you back from Boston.

132. Your missus come with you?

133. Oh, that's too bad.

134. I know her and Granny'd hit it off

135. like two sows in a mud waller.

136. - Yeah, yes, I'm sure they would.

137. Recipes?

138. No, no, my wife doesn't do much cooking.

139. No, I doubt if she ever made grits and hog jowls.

140. - Well, how about mustard greens and possum belly?

141. No fooling.

142. Uh, pone and squirrel shank?

143. Hmm.

144. Boiled chicken hawk?

145. Well, say, she don't do much cookin', do she?

146. - No.

147. Well, the reason I called Mr. Clampett,

148. is I have a butler.

149. Well, he really belongs to my wife's family,

150. but he's been with us ever since we were married,

151. and I was wondering if you'd let him come

152. and stay with you for a while.

153. - You mean board with us?

154. - Well, I guess you could call it that.

155. - Who's gonna board with us?

156. - Just a minute.

157. Some kin of Mrs. Drysdale named Butler.

158. Oh, why, we'd be just-

159. - That's that no good fat rascal

160. that wouldn't let Elly and me in

161. to help Miss Drysdale when she was soberin' up.

162. - Hello?

163. Granny was talkin' at me, but she's done now.

164. - Oh, no, she ain't.

165. - Just a minute.

166. Granny, let me hear the man out,

167. and then we can talk it over.

168. Yes, sir, Mr. Drysdale, I'm a listenin' now.

169. - Well, in addition to Ravenswood, he's the butler,

170. you can also have my wife's upstairs girl, Marie.

171. Margaret may be away for some time,

172. and I have absolutely no use for them.

173. - Well, I sure would like to oblige.

174. Me and Granny'll talk it over and I'll call you.

175. - Well, thank you. You'll be doing me a great favor.

176. - Always glad to help out when I can.

177. - Thank you again, Mr. Clampett, and goodbye.

178. - Is somebody comin' to live with us, Uncle Jed?

179. - Maybe, Jethro, maybe.

180. Why don't do you go out and make up with your cousin Elly?

181. - Okay, Uncle Jed.

182. - All right, Jed, let's have it.

183. We gonna board that Butler fella?

184. - Well, Mr. Drysdale'll take it mighty kindly if we did.

185. He says he ain't got no use for him.

186. - I don't like him myself.

187. - Granny, you only met him once.

188. - Once was enough. I asked him real nice.

189. I said, "Are you a doin' for Mrs. Drysdale

190. that she's feeling poorly?

191. Are you doing the washing, and the scrubbing,

192. and the cleaning for her?"

193. And he looked right down his nose at me and says,

194. "Madam, I am a Butler."

195. - I reckon he is proud of his name.

196. It's kinda fancy, Ravenswood Butler.

197. - I don't care if it's Stonewall Jackson.

198. And I think Mr. Drysdale has a lot of gall

199. to ask us to take his wife's kinfolks off his hands.

200. - Well, now, I'm mighty beholden to him.

201. You know, he's keeping my $25 million in his bank,

202. and he ain't charging me one penny to do it.

203. - That's his business. You didn't ask him to do it.

204. - Well, now, Granny, if it was just Mr. Butler,

205. I might agree with you,

206. but there's a sad side to the story, too.

207. - What's that?

208. - Well, you've heard of Mr. Drysdale speak of his stepson,

209. that's his wife's boy by her first marriage.

210. - The one they call Sonny?

211. - Yeah, well, it seems she's got a girl too,

212. and there must be something wrong with her.

213. - What?

214. - Well, I don't know, but they keep her upstairs.

215. - No!

216. - Yeah, he spoke of her as my wife's upstairs girl.

217. - Oh, the poor thing.

218. - Her name's Marie, and he'd like us

219. to take her and Mr. Butler.

220. - Doggone it Jed, we got enough to do

221. to take care of this big place without...

222. He didn't say what was ailing her, huh?

223. - Well, no, but if you ask me,

224. they ain't eatin' right over there.

225. - No?

226. - You know what Mr. Drysdale told me?

227. - What?

228. - His wife ain't never cooked grits and hog jowls.

229. - Ah, go on.

230. - That's a fact.

231. Nor mustard greens and possum belly,

232. nor pone and squirrel shank,

233. nor even boiled chicken hawk.

234. - Well, land of mercy.

235. - You can't hardly blame Mr. Butler

236. for getting a might cranky.

237. A man don't eat right, he gets that way.

238. - Well, Jed, I reckon it won't do no harm

239. to take 'em in for a spell.

240. - Granny, for such a little woman,

241. you got a awful big heart.

242. - Well, I feel sorry for the poor girl.

243. But the first time that fancy pants Mr. Butler

244. looks down his nose at me,

245. I'm gonna chuck him in the cement pond.

246. - Now, I'm doubling your salaries

247. for the length of time you stay at the Clampett home.

248. But if one word of this gets back to my wife in Boston,

249. you're both out of work with no references.

250. - Actually, you will find the Clampetts

251. to be basically fine people.

252. All they need is a little polish.

253. - Polish? They need sandblasting.

254. However, I think Miss Hathaway's plan

255. may overcome their initial resentment

256. of wearing city clothes.

257. - Yes, I think I have devised rather a clever strategy.

258. To put it briefly and succinctly,

259. my strategy is as follows.

260. I shall propose to the Clampetts

261. that they sit for a family portrait.

262. As you know, my hobby is painting.

263. Now, I shall suggest to the Clampetts

264. that their attire match their background,

265. which is, of course, their beautiful mansion.

266. They will, no doubt, see the logic of my didactic vote,

267. exceed to my wishes, don suitable raiment,

268. and once they have seen themselves thus attired, take-

269. - We're in. Let's go.

270. - We forgot to dust the stair rail.

271. - I'll get it, Granny.

272. There.

273. - Wearin' boys clothes does come in handy sometimes.

274. - By ginger, Granny,

275. I think we got her all spic and span for the company.

276. - There ain't a speck of dirt no place.

277. Can I go swimmin' now?

278. - Me too?

279. - As soon as we help Granny clean up the kitchen.

280. There goes that music again.

281. - Sure is pretty.

282. - Jethro, you ever find out where that comes from?

283. - No'm, Granny.

284. Every single time I commence to lookin' for it,

285. somebody comes to the door.

286. - Nobody to the door now.

287. - There will be, you'll see.

288. - Ooh doggies, that's nice.

289. Let's all pitch in and see can we find it.

290. - You're wasting your time.

291. I'm a tellin' you, before you can find it,

292. somebody'll come to the door.

293. There, you see? Happens every time.

294. - Now remember, Ravenswood, I'm counting on you.

295. Don't fail me.

296. - Oh, you have my word, sir.

297. I've been butler and valet since boyhood,

298. as was my father before me and his father before him.

299. And I've yet to meet the man or woman

300. who posed a social problem too difficult for me to handle.

301. - That's the spirit.

302. - Howdy there. - Remember me, Mr. Butler?

303. - No!

304. - Ravenswood, come back!

305. You gave your word! Come back, you coward!

306. Come back here!

307. I'll cut off your fringe benefits!

308. - Ravenswood probably forgot something.

309. He'll return shortly.

310. Meanwhile, this is Marie,

311. Mrs. Drysdale's upstairs girl.

312. Marie, Mr. J.D. Clampett.

313. - Howdy.

314. - Jethro Bodine.

315. Elly May Clampett.

316. And Grandma Clampett.

317. - No, ma'am. I am a Moses.

318. - Pardon?

319. - Granny's related on my wife's side.

320. They's the Moses family from Tennessee.

321. - Then your name is Granny Moses?

322. Grandma Moses.

323. - That's right.

324. - There was a very famous Grandma Moses

325. who painted primitives.

326. - I've whitewashed a few myself.

327. - I'll show Marie to her room.

328. - Listen Marie, honey,

329. over here, you've got the run of the house.

330. You don't have to hide upstairs.

331. Ain't nothin' wrong with that girl,

332. but what some good cookin' will cure.

333. She's half starved.

334. - Poor thing is so weak her knees keeps a bucklin' on her.

335. - She kinda pretty, though, for a skinny girl.

336. - Just wait till she gets a mess of Granny's grits

337. and hog jowls, that'll fill her out.

338. - Well, I'll get some a cookin'.

339. Guess that Butler fella will be coming back directly.

340. - Oh, and Granny, can we have some of that

341. salted down possum belly that Ma sent us?

342. - Well, I reckon it is kind of a company meal.

343. - Granny, open up a jar of them pickled crow gizzards.

344. - Now, Jed, we don't wanna spoil these folks.

345. They might get to thinkin' we eat like that every day.

346. - Elly May, will you do something nice for me?

347. - Why, sure, Pa.

348. - Will you go get into that pretty dress again?

349. - Oh, Pa, Jethro'll make fun of me.

350. - No, I won't, Elly May. Cross my heart.

351. - Well-

352. - That's my darling. Thank you.

353. And then you be real nice to Marie.

354. She's had a bad life.

355. - I'll be nice to her. She's purdy.

356. - Let's all be nice.

357. - Heck fire, I wanted to go swimmin',

358. now I gotta go put on a old dress.

359. - Cousin Elly, you look awful purdy in a dress.

360. Honest, you do.

361. - Do I look pretty as that there city girl?

362. - You look prettier than that there city girl.

363. - That did it, come on and fight.

364. - Elly. Come on, Elly!

365. - There's nothing to be afraid of, Ravenswood.

366. The fact that they're big and strong

367. doesn't mean they're violent.

368. Elephants can be gentle.

369. Ravenswood, you're letting appearances deceive you.

370. - Oh, really, sir? - Oh, I do admit

371. on the surface they do seem a bit rough, even crude,

372. but I assure you underneath they are placid,

373. kindly, and gentle, you'll see.

374. - You shouldn't a called me a city girl.

375. - Elly May, leave me alone, please,

376. Elly May! - You're gonna get it!

377. You called me a city girl!

378. - Elly May, leave me be! Elly May!

379. Mr. Butler, don't never say anything nice to that girl.

380. She'll kill ya.

381. - No!

382. Ravenswood, come back here!

383. Coward! Come back, you promised!

384. Ravenswood!

385. - By thunder, Granny, when Mr. Drysdale said

386. he didn't have no use for Mr. Butler,

387. he sure wasn't foolin'.

388. I just seen him cut through the brush

389. chasing him with a stick.

390. - That Mr. Butler gets sassy with me,

391. I'll chase him with more than a stick.

392. - Uncle Jed, Elly throwed me down on my head again.

393. If she don't stop that, I'm gonna get a headache.

394. - Stop riling her, Jethro.

395. - Well, golly, all I said was she's pretty.

396. That ain't no call to bust a fella's head.

397. - Pardon.

398. - Oh, howdy, Marie.

399. - Hi, Marie. - Monsieur.

400. - Are you hungry, darling? - No, madam.

401. - I'm whopping up something here

402. that'll just set your mouth to watering.

403. - Put some strength in your limbs, too.

404. - Tell her what it is, Granny.

405. - A great big mess of grits and hog jowls.

406. - And salted down possum belly.

407. - With cold pickled crow gizzards. How you like that?

408. - Don't tell me that child ain't hungry.

409. Why, she's ready to drop in her tracks.

410. Set her at the table and I'll dish up a mess.

411. - No, please.

412. I only came in to bring a message from Miss Hathaway.

413. She's preparing to paint the family portrait,

414. and she wishes to know if you all will sit for her.

415. May I tell her that you will sit for her?

416. - Well, yeah, I reckon we'll do that.

417. - Merci.

418. - Well, let's get at it.

419. - You reckon it's all right to talk while we're sittin'?

420. - Yeah, I reckon.

421. - I found out something about Marie.

422. - What?

423. - She's scared of Mr. Butler.

424. - How do you know?

425. - I ask her to go swimmin' with me,

426. and she says he wouldn't allow it.

427. - What business is it of his?

428. - That's what I said.

429. And she says, "He's a Butler

430. and I'm just an upstairs girl,

431. and I got to do whatever he says."

432. - We'll see about this.

433. Hot diggities, let's help Mr. Drysdale find him

434. and give him a whoopin'.

435. - I'll catch him, Granny.

436. - Now, Elly, you go put a dress on like you promised.

437. - Uncle Jed, I'm going swimming.

438. If I see him, I'll fetch him in.

439. - Don't go jumpin' in with your clothes on again.

440. - Oh, I won't, Uncle Jed.

441. Miss Hathaway, she give me a present last night.

442. She says it's something special for to go swimmin' in.

443. - What'd she give ya?

444. - Oh, a pair of trunks.

445. - You go swimmin' in the cement pond.

446. That boy's too big to go swimmin' in a trunk.

447. - Jed? - Even a pair of 'em.

448. - I got a feeling that Mr. Butler feller

449. is gonna be trouble.

450. - Well, we can handle him.

451. - Well, I still say that I think Mr. Drysdale

452. has a lot of nerve to ask us to board

453. his wife's relations.

454. - Well, maybe he's just fed up.

455. A man can get awful tired of having his wife's kin

456. underfoot all the time.

457. He told me that Butler fella been livin' with them

458. ever since they was married.

459. I declare some in-laws latch on

460. to free room and board like leeches.

461. It takes a mule kick to jar 'em loose.

462. You can't hardly blame Mr. Drysdale

463. for tryin' to get shed of a critter like that.

464. - Is that the way you feel?

465. - You bet it is.

466. - I'll see how fast I can get packed.

467. - You what?

468. - I'll get out from underfoot just as quick as I can.

469. - Wait, wait, wait a minute.

470. - No Jed, I know when I'm not wanted.

471. It don't take no mule kick to get shed of me.

472. - Tarnation, Granny, I wasn't talking about you.

473. We couldn't get along without you.

474. - No, Jed. I'm just a burdensome old woman.

475. No good to nobody.

476. Why don't you throw me down the well?

477. - Granny!

478. - Go ahead, pick me up, carry me out to the well

479. and throw me in.

480. - Granny, you stop talkin' like that.

481. - Uncle Jed! Uncle Jed!

482. I caught him.

483. Mr. Drysdale, he gave up,

484. but I caught this fat little rascal.

485. - Put him down.

486. - You gonna whip him, Granny?

487. - No, Jethro.

488. I'm gonna get thrown down the well.

489. Why don't you throw us both down the well together?

490. A bunch of no good leeches, both of us.

491. - Now Granny, you hush now.

492. Mr. Butler, I'm sorry Jethro got a might rough with you.

493. He don't mean no harm. He's just a overgrowed boy.

494. Now, we's are all mighty pleasured

495. to have you come and stay with us,

496. and as long as you behave yourself,

497. there won't be no trouble.

498. Oh, I'm Jed Clampett.

499. - Sir.

500. - This here's Granny.

501. - Madam.

502. - I reckon you and Jethro done met.

503. - Yeah.

504. - Sir.

505. - Oh, and this here is my daughter, Elly May.

506. - Don't you dare use them kind of words to a lady.

507. - What'd he say, Granny?

508. - I ain't sure, but it sounded dirty.

509. - I said your daughter was pretty and charming.

510. Why, you're so different from all the others.

511. You're like a beautiful city girl.

512. - He hadn't oughta said that.

513. - Oh, Marie. - Oui, Miss Jane.

514. - Didn't you say the Clampetts had agreed

515. to sit for their portrait?

516. - Oui, they said they would do it.

517. - No! - Ravenswood, what is this?

518. - I believe it to be self-preservation, madam.

519. No!

520. - Don't take to the stairs! She'll catch you sure!

521. - No! No!

522. - Sounds like Elly got him.

523. - I'm afraid so.

524. - Would somebody please tell me what is transpiring?

525. - Uncle Jed!

526. Elly throwed him all right,

527. but I caught him before he hit the floor.

528. - So here you are.

529. Well now, everything seems to be fine.

530. You see, Ravenswood, didn't I tell you

531. the Clampetts were kindly, gentle people?

532. - Yes, sir, thank you, sir.

533. - Hmm, we gonna have to feed up both of 'em, Granny.

534. His knees is bucklin', too.