The Beverly Hillbillies 1x5

1. - Oil that is.

2. Black gold.

3. Texas tea.

4. Hills that is.

5. Swimming pools.

6. Movie stars.

7. - The Beverly Hillbillies.

8. - All right now, Jethro, tell us exactly what

9. happened with Ms. Drysdale.

10. - Well, I come around the side of the house

11. and I see this here lady fightin'

12. with a furry-lookin' varmint.

13. - Turned out it was Ms. Drysdale.

14. - No, Uncle Jed.

15. It was a fox.

16. - The lady was Ms. Drysdale.

17. - Oh, oh, yeah.

18. So I grabs up the shotgun and I says,

19. "Step aside, lady, and I'll shoot it."

20. Well, instead of that, she whipped around

21. and throwed that thing in the air.

22. Well I shot it on the fly with both barrels.

23. - Blew my wife's fox fur to shreds.

24. - No wonder she fainted dead away.

25. - I caught her just in time.

26. The chauffeur had to help me get her into the car.

27. She was out like a light.

28. - She was stewed to the gills.

29. - Granny.

30. - You said it took two men to get her back in the car.

31. - Granny.

32. You know, Jethro, could be that there fox

33. was Ms. Drysdale's pet.

34. - Why in tarnation would she want

35. a sneaky old fox for a pet?

36. - 'Cause them kinda people are liable to do anything.

37. - What kinda people?

38. - Ask your pa.

39. - Well, I reckon I can't protect you

40. from the ugly side of life forever.

41. You see, Ms. Drysdale is what city folks calls a,

42. what was her husband called it, Granny?

43. - A hypochondriac.

44. - Yeah, that means she drinks a little.

45. - A little?

46. Her own husband said her bedroom was full of bottles.

47. - The doctor says she'll sleep for several hours.

48. He gave her a sedative.

49. - What about Claude?

50. - Oh, she insisted that he have a sedative, too.

51. Poor dog.

52. He's probably the first canine hypochondriac.

53. - Well, let's be thankful for one thing, Mr. Drysdale.

54. - What's that?

55. - The tree outside the window.

56. It completely obscures her view of the Clampett estate.

57. - Yes.

58. And if that tree should ever lose its leaves

59. and she gets one look at those hillbillies.

60. - It shall not happen.

61. The Clampetts have agreed to accompany me to Palm Springs.

62. - Fine, fine.

63. Now you keep them there until I get Margaret back to Boston.

64. - Can do and will do.

65. - Maybe it's for the best that you know about

66. that poor woman next door, Elly.

67. Now you can pitch in and help us get her cured.

68. - Yep.

69. I'll need you to help find the makings

70. for my sobering-up mash.

71. That's what I'll give her first.

72. - But Miss Jane said she was taking us to Palm Springs.

73. - Folks don't run off and leave their neighbors

74. when they's in trouble.

75. What are all you gonna need for

76. your sobering-up mash, Granny?

77. - Well, most of the stuff I got,

78. but it takes a coon root,

79. bench weed,

80. sour dock,

81. skunk oil,

82. chimney soot,

83. spider webs,

84. horse mint,

85. snake wart,

86. pepper leaves,

87. chicken gizzards,

88. stump water,

89. coal oil,

90. slippery elm ooze,

91. and turpentine.

92. And a few more things that's secret.

93. Ooh, and the biggest toad you can find.

94. - Granny, you use a live toad?

95. - That's just for testin'.

96. I give it a swaller to see how fer it jumps.

97. - Last time Granny used her sobering-up mash,

98. set a new record.

99. Clean over the top of Elverna Bradshaw's clothesline.

100. - That's tall jumpin' for a toad.

101. - Oh, this wasn't no toad.

102. This was Elverna's husband, Homer.

103. It was him Granny was sobering up.

104. Oh, Elly, if you're going out in the brush

105. huntin' stuff for Granny,

106. you'd best put on some old clothes.

107. - Okay, Pa.

108. - Well, let's getta goin'.

109. Oh, I pert near forgot.

110. I have to have some goat's milk.

111. After Mrs. Drysdale takes my sobering-up mash,

112. she has to have fresh goat's milk every half hour

113. to stop the burnin'.

114. - Well, I reckon Jethro can borrow some.

115. Well-to-do neighborhood like this,

116. folks is bound to keep goats.

117. - Everybody except us.

118. We ain't even got a cow.

119. - Nor pigs neither.

120. - Nor chickens.

121. - We ain't even got nothin' to pull a plow.

122. You're supposed to be so dad-blam rich.

123. I'll bet we're the only family in Beverly Hills

124. that ain't got a mule.

125. - I reckon it is high time I was stocking this place.

126. Even Mr. Drysdale's been after me to buy some cattle.

127. - Well, good for him.

128. - Yeah, just the other day he says to me,

129. he says, "Mr. Clampett, you got $25 million in cash.

130. You ought to put some of that money into stock."

131. - Well, we better get busy now if we're gonna find-

132. - There goes that music again.

133. Jethro, did you ever find out where that's coming from?

134. - No, sir, I didn't.

135. Every time i went to lookin' for it,

136. somebody always come to the door.

137. This time I'm gonna find it for sure.

138. - Yeah, good hunting.

139. Me and Granny'll be figuring out what stock to buy.

140. - Doggone, it never fails.

141. Howdy, Miss Hathaway.

142. - Oh, please stop calling me Miss Hathaway.

143. Now if I can call you by your first name, Jethro,

144. surely you can do the same for me.

145. - But, uh-

146. - Please.

147. - Well, howdy, Miss Jethro.

148. - How about calling me Jane?

149. - I like that better. - Me too.

150. Well, are we all set to leave for Palm Springs?

151. - No, ma'am.

152. Uncle Jed and me is goin' to town and buy some stock.

153. - Stock?

154. - Yes, ma'am.

155. Mr. Drysdale, he told Uncle Jed he had ought to put some

156. of his money into stock.

157. - He dictated a memo on that.

158. But you needn't waste time driving into town.

159. You can order your stock by telephone.

160. Now here are Mr. Drysdale's recommendations.

161. He doesn't want your Uncle Jed to get a bum steer.

162. - Oh, Uncle Jed, he wouldn't buy no bum steer.

163. - It pays to be cautious in the bull market.

164. - You gotta be careful with cows, too.

165. - Oh!

166. Jethro, you have the most delightfully bucolic

167. sense of humor.

168. Now, then, would you like to ride to Palm Springs with me

169. or would you prefer to drive and meet me there?

170. Jethro?

171. - Oh, yes, ma'am.

172. - Would you like to drive your own car?

173. - Oh, yes, ma'am, I like to drive.

174. - Very well.

175. I have typed out explicit directions.

176. I've even drawn a map showing the exact location

177. of the hotel.

178. They have a lovely pool and, Jethro.

179. - Uh, yes, ma'am?

180. - I'm taking a bikini to Palm Springs.

181. - Is that faster than a train?

182. - Oh, Jethro, you dear, naive boy.

183. You shall see when we go swimming.

184. You Tarzan.

185. Me Jane.

186. - No, ma'am.

187. I'm Jethro Bodine.

188. - I almost hate to see you change.

189. - I ain't gonna change.

190. - Oh, yes, you will.

191. Under my tutelage,

192. you will become an educated man of letters.

193. Someday I shall introduce you as Jethro Bodine,

194. BA,

195. MA,

196. PhD.

197. - Awful smart woman,

198. but that ain't the way you spell Bodine.

199. All I know is this is the kinda stock

200. Mr. Drysdale thinks is good.

201. - What does that say?

202. - I-B-M.

203. - What does that spell?

204. - Ibm.

205. - What's an ibm?

206. - I don't know.

207. - Next it's got uss.

208. - Uss?

209. - Well that's what's wrote there, U-S-S.

210. - Don't make sense.

211. - Well, maybe it ain't Mr. Drysdale's fault.

212. Just between you and me, that Miss Hathaway

213. can't spell for sour grapes.

214. - Well, I don't need this list no how.

215. Me and Granny's already figured out what we want.

216. - That's right.

217. A pair of goats, three pigs, four cows,

218. a bull, a mule, and a dozen chicken.

219. - Reckon we get all that on the truck?

220. - Don't have to.

221. Miss Hathaway says just call on the telephone

222. and they'd bring 'em out.

223. - Well, now, ain't that nice?

224. Hello.

225. - Jed, I watched that banker feller.

226. You have to stick your finger in them holes

227. and spin 'em awhile.

228. - All right.

229. Reckon that oughta do it.

230. - Operator.

231. - Oh, howdy, ma'am.

232. This here is Jed Clampett.

233. I'd like to buy some stock.

234. - What number do you wish?

235. - Number?

236. Oh, a couple of goats, three pigs,

237. four cows, a bull, a mule, and a dozen chicken.

238. - I'll give you information.

239. - Well, thank you, ma'am.

240. I appreciate all the information you can gimme.

241. It's the first time I ever bought stock on the telephone.

242. - Perhaps I'd better connect you

243. with a supervisor.

244. - Two heads is better than one.

245. - Supervisor speaking.

246. May I help you?

247. - I thank you, ma'am.

248. This here is Jed Clampett and I'd like to buy some stock.

249. - Do you know the number you wish to reach?

250. - Well, that's more or less up to the animals.

251. But the number I wanna start with is a couple of goats,

252. three pigs, four cows, a bull, a mule, and a dozen chicken.

253. This sure is a dandy pen, Jethro.

254. - As soon as Elly gets back from the Drysdale's,

255. she can milk this here goat.

256. - Mr. Drysdale sure has got a nice house ain't he, Granny?

257. - Yep.

258. Nice house, nice car, nice job,

259. but the evil of drink has sure laid

260. a heavy hand on his heart.

261. Never forget Elly, drinkin' is a curse.

262. - But you take a drink now and then, Granny.

263. - Uh-uh, never more than a thimbleful.

264. Oh, Elly, you might have to hold Mrs. Drysdale

265. while I spoon my sobering-up mash down her.

266. - I'll throw a double scissors and an arm lock on her.

267. - Just so you don't cut off her wind if she can't breathe.

268. - Yes?

269. - Howdy.

270. - We've come to see Mrs. Drysdale.

271. - I'm sorry, madam, but Mrs. Drysdale cannot be disturbed.

272. - Are you her kin?

273. - I'm a butler.

274. - Oh, that must have been her maiden name.

275. You are takin' care of her, are 'ya?

276. - I am a butler, madam.

277. - Well, I'm glad to see that her family

278. ain't ashamed to help her.

279. - Whom shall I say called?

280. - Well, this here's Granny and I'm Elly May.

281. Pa and Jethro would have come too,

282. but they're busy with the cattle.

283. - Very good.

284. - Hold on, now.

285. We've come to see Mrs. Drysdale.

286. - Mrs. Drysdale is indisposed, madam.

287. She is not receiving.

288. - Oh, still sleeping it off, huh?

289. Well, when she comes to, you just spoon

290. half of this down her and then stand back.

291. - Yeah, she'll commence to doin' some tall jumpin'.

292. - It won't bite 'ya.

293. We'll be back later with the goat's milk.

294. - Want me to stay and help you do for Mrs. Drysdale?

295. - We're managing, thank you.

296. - Are you doin' the washin' and the cleanin'

297. and the cookin' for her?

298. - Certainly not.

299. - Oh, just lettin' it pile up on her, huh?

300. - Madam, I am a butler.

301. - Huh.

302. - Want me to haul him outta there, Granny,

303. and wrestle him down?

304. - Kinfolks have certain rights.

305. Family comes first.

306. - He sure is proud of that family name, ain't he?

307. - Yeah.

308. To hear him talk, the butlers don't get wet when it rains.

309. - Did you say something, dear?

310. Well, speak up, dear.

311. Can I get you something?

312. Come in.

313. - I beg your pardon, sir.

314. The butler said some people from a ranch

315. brought this for madame.

316. - From a ranch?

317. - Well, he said they mentioned cattle.

318. They called themselves Granny and Elly May.

319. - The Clampetts, they haven't gone to Palm Springs.

320. - That's right, Jethro.

321. Get 'em in through that gate.

322. That's the way.

323. - Sooie, sooie, sooie, sooie, git, git, git.

324. - Haw, get in there. (cow mooing)

325. - Haw, hee-haw, get in there, pig.

326. Get in, pig, come on.

327. Here pig, pig, pig.

328. - That's the way. - Sooie.

329. - Oh, no, surely not.

330. Marie, tell me I'm hearing things.

331. - You're hearing things, sir.

332. Cows, chickens, pigs, goats.

333. - Never mind.

334. - Anything I can do, sir?

335. - Pray, Marie, pray.

336. - Hold your horses. (doorknocker rapping)

337. I'm a-comin'.

338. Oh, howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

339. Did your wife drink that-

340. - Elly May.

341. Where's your father?

342. - He's tending the cattle.

343. - He brought cattle into this beautiful estate?

344. - No, he called on the telephone

345. and some men brought 'em in a truck.

346. - Okay.

347. - Yes, sir, I'm just fixin' to go milk the goat.

348. Come on out to the stock pen.

349. - Stock pen.

350. - Yes, sir, Mr. Drysdale, I finally took your advice

351. and put some of my money into stock.

352. How's that goat milk, Elly?

353. - Just fine, Pa.

354. - This sure is a dandy pen, Mr. Drysdale.

355. - Yeah, good stock fence around the outside.

356. Of course that one across the middle ain't so much.

357. Bull's already jumped it twice and ain't even matin' season.

358. Granny.

359. We got ourselves some mighty fine lookin' stock.

360. Of course they need a little fattenin' up.

361. - Mr. Drysdale happy to see 'em?

362. - Granny, he was so happy he couldn't talk.

363. He just kinda hung on the fence

364. and made little gurgling noises in his throat.

365. - Yeah, well, that poor man has some joy comin' to him.

366. - I'm glad to be able to help him

367. to forget his trouble for a spell.

368. - Here's the goat's milk, Granny.

369. - Oh, good, Elly.

370. Now you run that right over to Mrs. Drysdale.

371. That sobering-up mash smarts considerable

372. less you follow it up with fresh goat's milk.

373. - Elly, Mr. Drysdale ever find his tongue?

374. - Yeah, Pa.

375. Whiles I was milkin' the goat,

376. I heard him kinda mumblin' like he was givin' thanks.

377. He says, "Oh, what have I done to deserve this?"

378. - Lord, love him.

379. Ain't that pitiful?

380. Hurry, child, now hurry.

381. - You know, Granny, it gives a person

382. a mighty good feeling to help a neighbor.

383. - You betcha.

384. And he needs us 'cause his wife's kin ain't no help.

385. - Who's that?

386. - That high and mighty Mr. Butler.

387. That's who came to the door when Elly and me

388. took the mash over.

389. Wouldn't let us see Mrs. Drysdale.

390. - Well, now you can't hardly blame him

391. for not wantin' folks to see you.

392. - Uncle Jed, the bull jumped that little fence again

393. so I tied him back over on his side.

394. - Where's Mr. Drysdale?

395. I asked him to come in for some coffee.

396. - It was the funniest thing what happened to him.

397. You know how he was hanging on the fence of the stock pen?

398. Kinda gurglin' and mumblin' happy like?

399. - Yeah.

400. - Well, all of the sudden,

401. he points up towards his house and says,

402. "My wife, that's her window."

403. Then he goes tearin' off into the bushes

404. like a bear was after him.

405. - Bet she took some mash and he seen her jumpin'.

406. - Looks like Elly's gonna get there

407. with the goat's milk just in time.

408. - Oh.

409. Oh, Sonny, Sonny.

410. Your mumsy just had the most ghastly dream.

411. I was going to see our new neighbors, the Clampetts,

412. and suddenly this dreadful giant appeared

413. with a huge gun and shot my beautiful fox fur.

414. Isn't that the most dreadful?

415. Claude, what are you eating?

416. Oh, did Ravenswood bring my darling boy

417. some nice teensy scraps?

418. Claude.

419. Claude!

420. Marie!

421. Marie, come and get Claude!

422. - What's the matter, dear?

423. - Claude, he, he's having a seizure or something!

424. - Is something wrong?

425. - Yes, Marie, open the window!

426. - Yes, let's have some fresh air.

427. No, no, no, no, you take Claude to the doctor.

428. I'll get the window.

429. Well, darling, how do you feel?

430. - Dreadful.

431. My nerves are shattered.

432. Open the window, dear.

433. - Oh, it might not be good for you, Margaret.

434. - Oh, don't be silly, Milburn.

435. I need oxygen.

436. Besides, I adore the fragrance of that jasmine

437. that grows on the fence of that tennis court next door.

438. Now open the window.

439. - All right, dear, but first I have a surprise.

440. - Surprise?

441. - Mmm-hmm.

442. Don't move, I'll be right back.

443. - Granny, Granny, that there butler fella

444. wouldn't let me through that door again,

445. and he wouldn't take this milk neither.

446. - Why not?

447. - He said he wouldn't touch nothin' more from us

448. without it was sterilized.

449. - What's sterilize?

450. - Oh, we had that in school once.

451. That means soaked in alki-hol.

452. - Alki-hol?

453. - It appears to me like Mr. Drysdale's got

454. two drinkers on his hands.

455. - Mrs. Drysdale must be in terrible shape,

456. fighting mean, scratchin' and clawin' people and everything.

457. - How do you know?

458. - I heard her yellin' and screamin' clean from upstairs.

459. She says, "Marie, Marie, come and get Claude."

460. Sure enough pretty soon this poor girl

461. come a runnin' down yellin',

462. "Take me to the doctor, I got Claude."

463. - That settles it.

464. Family or no family, that woman needs help

465. and by thunder, she's gonna get it.

466. - Surprise, surprise.

467. - Milburn, have you taken leave of your senses?

468. You know I'm much too nervous to watch television.

469. - But darling, the doctors in Boston

470. said your nerves were just fine.

471. - Those Boston doctors,

472. they had the audacity to tell me

473. that I was perfectly healthy.

474. I said, "I'm not paying you all that money

475. to tell me I'm healthy."

476. Milburn, I do not want to watch television.

477. - Well, you don't have to watch it, dear, just listen.

478. There's an exciting western on.

479. - Western?

480. Milburn, shut that off and open the window.

481. - I will, oh, there we are. (guns firing)

482. - Milburn, are you going to open the window or am I?

483. - I am, dear.

484. There, you see?

485. The cattlemen and the sheep men are fighting it out.

486. - Well, if you won't turn it off, I will.

487. - Oh, dear, I do admit that's a very old plot,

488. but I'm sure we can get something better.

489. - That medical program, go back to that.

490. - Well, don't you think that's a bit depressing?

491. - I want the medical program.

492. - All right.

493. - Milburn, I still hear the cattle and the goats.

494. - Yes, you see, you see, this is the latest thing

495. in television programs, a medical western.

496. - Medical western?

497. - Yes, yes, I think it's called Sagebrush Surgeon.

498. - That's the window he pointed to right there.

499. - I gotta get some fresh goat's milk

500. up to that woman some way.

501. - I could shimmy up the tree and climb right in that window.

502. - Aw, Jethro, tain't fittin' for a man

503. to be in a woman's bedroom.

504. - How about me?

505. - No, Elly, you're too young to handle somebody

506. a-wrestlin' in the grip of old john barley corn.

507. I gotta get up there and have a goat handy

508. to milk every so often.

509. - I think I got it figured out, Granny.

510. - What?

511. - I'll get a rope, throw it over that limb,

512. hoist you up to the winda.

513. Jethro, you get that Mr. Butler away from the front door.

514. And then, Elly, you take a nanny goat,

515. lead it upstairs to her room for Granny.

516. - All right, Pa.

517. But that little goat ain't gonna do nothin'

518. unless it's got that little chicken sittin' on its back.

519. - That's all right.

520. Raw egg ain't gonna do Mrs. Drysdale a bit of harm.

521. - Margaret, what are you doing?

522. - Packing.

523. I'm leaving immediately.

524. - Oh, don't leave me.

525. I love you.

526. - I love you too, Milburn.

527. Why don't you come to Boston with me?

528. You haven't seen Sonny for a long time.

529. - I don't understand.

530. Why have you suddenly decided to go back to Boston?

531. - To see those doctors.

532. Let them dare to tell me now I don't have

533. a nervous condition.

534. Why, I'm even having hallucinations.

535. It's wonderful.

536. - Hallucinations?

537. - I just saw a witch fly by that window,

538. and there's a goat in the bathtub

539. with a chicken riding on its back.

540. Oh, you couldn't see them, dear.

541. Only someone with my shattered nervous system.

542. There goes the witch again.

543. Oh, Milburn, I'm the happiest woman in the world.

544. It's marvelous.

545. Wait until those doctors hear this.

546. - Can't get in the attic

547. and she won't open the window.

548. Hoist me up again.

549. - Here, Milburn.

550. Let's have a vitamin toast to my coming triumph.

551. - It's too late, Jed.

552. - What do you mean, Granny?

553. - We didn't get to her in time.

554. Now she's got her husband on the stuff.