The Beverly Hillbillies 1x35

Directed by Richard Whorf

Willis Bouchey as Mr. Wilson • Joy Harmon as Kitty Northcross • John Ashley as Bob Billington • Bill Baldwin as Convention Speaker

When Miss Hathaway gets sick and Mr. Drysdale has to speak at a conference, Jed helps out by running the bank and having Elly be his secretary, while Jethro finds a speech that Drysdale accidentally uses instead of his own. All the while a new teller sucks-up to the men and flirts with the women. Jed lends money to a Mr. Wilson, who claims to be a poor chicken rancher. Because of that, Mr. Drysdale is named "Banker of the Year".

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1. - The Beverly Hillbillies

2. - Granny,

3. Jethro said you wanted my benny rooster for something.

4. - I sure do, Ellie.

5. I just heard that Jane Hathaway is sick a bit,

6. and I want to cook her up

7. a nice big pot of chicken broth.

8. - That's ni... granny!

9. You ain't fixing to cook Earl!

10. (audience laughing) - Of of course not, Ellie.

11. But I figured you could turn him loose in the neighborhood

12. and he just might bring home a plump little hen.

13. Good looking little fellow here, Earl.

14. - Well granny, I don't reckon Earl

15. would want you to cook none of his sweethearts neither.

16. - Well, maybe you're right.

17. Just turn him loose outside.

18. And if a chicken hawk shows up,

19. Jethro can bag him.

20. They make awful good broth

21. if you simmer them long enough.

22. - Granny, Jethro tells me Miss Jane is ill

23. and you're fixing to doctor for her.

24. - That's right, Jed.

25. Trouble is, I don't know for sure

26. just what she's got.

27. What'd she tell you, Jethro?

28. - She's got something called sick benefits.

29. - Sick benefits?

30. - Yes sir.

31. Well I called her apartment this morning

32. to find out could she come to supper tonight,

33. and she says, "I'm sick in bed, Jethro."

34. And I says, "Well, granny will come on over

35. and doctor you."

36. And she says, "Well, you tell granny

37. there's already a doctor on the way

38. 'cause I got sick benefits."

39. - I bet you it's something like a sick headache

40. or maybe a sick stomach.

41. - I reckon it's worse than that, Ellie.

42. 'Cause this is catching.

43. - Is that a fact?

44. - Yes sir, Miss Jane says pretty near everybody

45. that works down at the bank

46. has got sick benefits.

47. - That's because they don't wear asifinity bags.

48. - Looks to me like Mr. Drysdale's

49. got hisself a heap of trouble down to the bank.

50. - Is Mr. Drysdale sick too, Jethro?

51. - No, I asked Miss Jane that.

52. And she says the executives, that's the higher ups

53. like the vice presidents,

54. they don't have sick benefits.

55. - Probably because they eat better

56. and they get more rest.

57. And they wear asifinity bags around their neck.

58. - I reckon we all ought to pitch in

59. and help Mr. Drysdale.

60. Must be mighty short handed down to the bank

61. - I can help count the money

62. Arithmetic is my best study in school.

63. I'm up to 12 times 12 now.

64. - How much is 12 times 12, Jethro?

65. - Come here.

66. Okay, now hold up two fingers.

67. 12 times one is 12,

68. 12 times two is 24.

69. 12 times three is 36.

70. - Now nevermind Jethro.

71. We's all right proud of you.

72. But right now we all better hurry down to the bank.

73. See how we can help Mr. Drysdale.

74. Come on, everybody.

75. I'll go in first.

76. The rest of you wait here.

77. - How come?

78. - We don't know how catching that sickness is.

79. - Miss Hathaway, how can you do this to me?

80. Now you know the Banker's Convention is in town

81. and I'm making the keynote speech.

82. Well, you haven't finished writing it for me.

83. Now listen, couldn't you come in today

84. and be sick tomorrow?

85. 103 fever.

86. Well, I'll, I'll I'll turn on the air conditioning.

87. Ah, don't pay any attention to Dr. Murphy.

88. I know him.

89. He's trying to make a big thing out of this

90. so he can collect a big fee.

91. Fine doctor!

92. (audience laughing) Yes, how are you?

93. I knew you were there.

94. That's why I made that joke about you.

95. What?

96. Oh of course, certainly.

97. Yes.

98. Keep in bed.

99. Bye doctor.

100. Come on.

101. - Hi there, Mr. Drysdale.

102. - Mr. Clampett, hello.

103. What can I do for you?

104. - Well, I reckon right now is what can I do for you?

105. We heard about all the sickness.

106. - Oh, don't let that concern you.

107. - Anything you need?

108. - No nothing except a secretary,

109. a new doctor,

110. a speech writer,

111. and someone to take over my work.

112. - For a fellow with all them troubles

113. you sure keeping your spirits up.

114. - Well, I, I try to keep laughing so I won't cry.

115. Oh, will you answer the door?

116. - Howdy young feller.

117. You wanna see Mr. Drysdale?

118. - Yeah.

119. - Come in, come in.

120. - No, no, no, not today!

121. Now leave me alone.

122. - See you later, Mr. Drysdale.

123. - Yes, and thank you so much.

124. - Just being neighborly.

125. - Who was that?

126. - Nevermind him, who are you?

127. - Oh, we met the other day when I started to work here,

128. Mr. Drysdale.

129. I'm the new teller trainee.

130. My name is—

131. - What do you want?

132. - Yes, so I noticed that you were without a secretary

133. and well, I thought I might be able to help.

134. - You take shorthand?

135. - Oh, I don't mean me, sir.

136. However, there is someone from the secretarial pool

137. that I'd like to recommend.

138. - Oh, who?

139. - Well the chick, the do...

140. The lady at the first desk,

141. I believe her name was Kitty Northcross.

142. - The one that wears the tight sweaters?

143. - Yeah.

144. Does she?

145. Oh I only observed her efficiency.

146. - Yeah, forget it.

147. - Yes sir.

148. Thank you skipper.

149. - Who?

150. - Well, sir, I just got out of the Navy

151. and I like to

152. consider this bank my new ship,

153. and you, my new captain.

154. And I'm proud to be aboard, sir,

155. because I know that your genius

156. will pilot this ship of finance

157. through the reefs of adversity and the stormy seas

158. of competition until we drop anchor

159. in the harbor of success.

160. - Builds water.

161. - Aye aye sir.

162. Thank you sir. (audience laughing)

163. - And now to continue my speech.

164. Gentlemen, it is my observation

165. that a bank is like a ship.

166. Its president, a captain.

167. It is his responsibility to pilot that ship

168. through the reefs of adversity

169. and the stormy seas of competition

170. till he drops anchor in the harbor of success.

171. At this point take a sip of water,

172. and wait for applause.

173. - Oh good, Ellie, you're all ready.

174. We best be getting down to the bank

175. as quick as we can.

176. - But pa, do you reckon I know enough

177. to be a banker's secretary?

178. - Shucks yes, Ellie.

179. Especially since I'm going to be the banker.

180. - Oh, did Mr. Drysdale take sick?

181. - He had to speak at a convention.

182. He says all he needs is

183. a secretary, a speech writer,

184. a new doctor and somebody to do his work.

185. - Well granny's a dandy doctor

186. but who can write speeches?

187. - Well Jethro found one in a book already wrote.

188. He's in there helping granny now

189. mix medicine for Miss Jane.

190. - Now my secret yarb.

191. Don't stand too close to it

192. while it's working, Jethro.

193. - That'll cure Miss Jane, huh granny?

194. - It'll cure anything.

195. I give it to a sick horse one morning.

196. That afternoon he won a race.

197. - You doctored a race horse?

198. - No, a plow horse.

199. He never raced before.

200. - Granny, Jethro?

201. Pa said let's get a going.

202. - Coming Ellie.

203. You got your speech for Mr. Drysdale?

204. - Yes, ma'am.

205. One of the greatest speeches ever wrote.

206. Four score and seven years ago

207. (audience laughing) our fathers brought forth

208. to this continent a new nation.

209. Conceived in liberty

210. and dedicated to the proposition

211. that all men are created equal.

212. - By dingies that's a dandy speech.

213. I'm proud of you.

214. - I didn't write it.

215. That was written by Abraham Lincoln.

216. The president that whooped us out.

217. - South was not whooped.

218. - Granny, General Lee surrendered to General Grant.

219. - He did not!

220. General Lee figured that Grant was a blacksmith.

221. And he handed his sword so he could sharpen it.

222. And don't you ever forget it!

223. - And so gentlemen, in conclusion

224. let us think of our banks

225. as a great fleet of ships

226. rescuing the army of American citizens

227. from the Dunkirk of financial difficulty.

228. Let us take them aboard

229. and safely sail them back to the shores of prosperity.

230. Gentlemen?

231. Bon voyage.

232. - Beautiful skipper.

233. Just beautiful.

234. Listen, the door was open

235. and your voice drew me in here like a magnet.

236. Could I go to the convention with you

237. and hear the entire speech?

238. - No, you cannot.

239. - But sir, you're my idol.

240. - Well you're pretty idle yourself,

241. now get back to your cage and do some work.

242. - What a voice.

243. Sir, you were born to command.

244. In the Navy you'd have been an admiral.

245. - Well I was in the Army.

246. Corporal in the quartermaster corp.

247. - Great outfit, sir!

248. Backbone of the armed forces.

249. - Get back to work.

250. - That voice.

251. You and General MacArthur.

252. Legends in your own time.

253. - Out!

254. - Pleasure sir.

255. - Where did personnel dig up that nut?

256. General Drysdale.

257. Mr. Drysdale.

258. Oh hello Margaret.

259. What?

260. You want me to pick you up at the beauty shop, when?

261. But dear,

262. you know I'm making the keynote address

263. at the banker's convention.

264. All right, darling,

265. I'll cut it short.

266. Will you stay out of here, you nut!

267. I'm sorry

268. I thought it was someone else.

269. I'm terribly upset today.

270. - That's why we's all pitching in to help.

271. Ellie here is going to take Miss Jane's place

272. while granny gets her well.

273. - Oh, you don't have to do that.

274. - No more than any neighbor would do.

275. - Well, I do appreciate your kindness.

276. I'm running late.

277. So please make yourself comfortable.

278. See you later.

279. - Oh, Mr. Drysdale.

280. Here's your speech.

281. - Oh I did forget it, didn't I?

282. Thank you, Jethro.

283. - You're welcome. (audience laughing)

284. - Well goodbye all.

285. And thanks again.

286. - Bye. - Bye.

287. - He's gone, pa.

288. Reckon you're in charge now.

289. - Are you going to take his place, Uncle Jed?

290. - Sure gonna try.

291. - Well sit down to your desk and go to banking.

292. I wanna see how you do it.

293. - Me too!

294. - Are you banking yet, pa?

295. - Well I reckon now Ellie,

296. I'm just waiting to bank.

297. - How do you do it, Uncle Jed?

298. - Well according to Mr. Drysdale

299. banking is mostly giving people money

300. when they need it.

301. - I'll get it, pa

302. That's what a secretary is supposed to do.

303. - Howdy, this here's Mr. Drysdale's office.

304. But Mr. Clampett's in charge now.

305. Yes sir, you bet your kin.

306. - Howdy there.

307. You needing money?

308. Well come right on over and get it.

309. - Hot diggity!

310. He's banking now, Ellie Mae!

311. - Come in Miss Northcross.

312. - Gee, Mr. Billington.

313. - Just call me Bob, doll.

314. - Is this going to be my new office?

315. Bob doll?

316. - Could be, honey.

317. I've been speaking to Milburn about you.

318. - Milburn?

319. - The president, baby, the president.

320. - I thought his name was John.

321. John F. Kennedy.

322. - Not that president.

323. This one.

324. - Oh, Mr. Drysdale!

325. - That a girl, oink.

326. - Oink?

327. - Just a term of affection, doll.

328. That means I'm a hog about you.

329. - Well that's cute.

330. I think.

331. - Swell.

332. Listen about tonight.

333. This apartment where you live, can you cook there?

334. - Well, I don't know.

335. I've never tried.

336. - You got a stove?

337. - I think so.

338. - Well how about a can opener?

339. - Oh, I know we've got one of those.

340. I used it other night to open a bottle of Way Set

341. when we did our hair.

342. - We?

343. - Mother and me.

344. - Your mother lives with you?

345. - No, I live with her.

346. - Swell.

347. - Rescuing the army of American citizens

348. from the Dunkirk of financial difficulty.

349. Let us take them aboard.

350. - That's enough, Jethro.

351. No wonder Mr. Drysdale needed hisself a speech writer.

352. That's pitiful.

353. - I didn't understand it.

354. - Me neither, and I'm a banker.

355. - Well, I reckon I'd best get out to Miss Hathaway's desk.

356. I ain't sure I know what to do.

357. - Well, just watch others, Ellie, and do like them.

358. That's the way we learn.

359. - Yes sir, pa.

360. - Now listen honey, is your mother going to be home tonight?

361. - Uh huh, we're going to set our hair again.

362. - Well hello there.

363. - Hello there!

364. - Well she's sitting at my desk.

365. - Get lost honey, huh?

366. - But Bob doll! - Mr. Billington.

367. - Well Mr. Billington—

368. - Wait in the vault.

369. - But what about tonight?

370. Can I tell mom you're coming by?

371. - Not tonight, honey.

372. I don't need my hair set.

373. Hey.

374. - Hey.

375. - This is gonna be wild.

376. Tell me something,

377. you don't live with your mother do you?

378. - No sir, do you?

379. - No sir.

380. What's your name?

381. - Ellie Mae Clampett.

382. Well, there it is Ellie.

383. And you may clamp it.

384. You don't by any chance wrestle at night, do you?

385. - Oh I like to wrestle anytime.

386. - Well Scooby Doo.

387. - Well Scooby Doo, you wanna wrestle now?

388. - Later baby, later.

389. Listen, suppose I drop over to your place tonight?

390. - Well fine.

391. - You haven't got a roommate, have you?

392. - No sir, I got a room all to myself.

393. - Now listen, here's the action.

394. I swing by your pad about seven.

395. I bring some Bossonova records

396. and we trample a few grapes, huh?

397. Then we blast off to the local coffee shop,

398. one where they don't hit me for too much bread.

399. Then we swing back to your pad for a little moon orbit.

400. Do you dig?

401. - Oh yes sir!

402. - Crazy.

403. - Whenever Paul goes fishing.

404. - What?

405. - I dig his worms.

406. - You wouldn't put me on, would you?

407. - Why sure.

408. Jethro?

409. I ain't tall enough to put you on myself

410. but Jethro can do it.

411. - Who's this, who's Jethro?

412. - Yeah, Ellie Mae?

413. - This little fellow wants to be put on something?

414. - Okay.

415. Where do you want me to put you, fellow?

416. - Oh I'd like to be put on your list of friends.

417. - Mr. Drysdale's office,

418. but he ain't here.

419. - I got it, Ellie Mae.

420. Howdy there!

421. This is Jed Clampett speaking.

422. Can I do some banking for you?

423. Oh howdy, Mrs. Drysdale.

424. You want to get picked up over to the beauty shop?

425. Well, I can send Jethro right over in the truck.

426. No, your husband ain't here.

427. He's over to the bankers convention making a speech

428. Jethro give him.

429. - And now gentlemen,

430. it's with a great deal of pleasure

431. that I introduce our keynote speaker,

432. the distinguished president

433. of the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills,

434. Mr. Milburn Drysdale.

435. - Fellow bankers.

436. Fourscore and seven years ago

437. (audience laughing) our fathers brought forth

438. upon this continent

439. a new nation...

440. Well now, some of you seem to be amused

441. because I have chosen the humble words

442. of Abraham Lincoln to keynote this convention.

443. But those of you who understand banking

444. at its highest level

445. will understand the significance of these words

446. as I say, conceived in liberty and dedicated

447. to the proposition that all men are created equal.

448. - Pa, this here's Mr. Wilson.

449. The man that called you about borrowing money.

450. - Well, howdy there Mr. Wilson.

451. I'm pleasured to meet you.

452. Sit down a spell.

453. - Well thank you, thank you sir.

454. - Have a smoke?

455. - Yes, thank you.

456. - Ellie Mae, maybe Mr. Wilson

457. would like a nice cold pitcher of spring water

458. or some coffee or tea or something?

459. - Would you, Mr. Wilson?

460. - No, no, thanks young lady.

461. - You look all tuckered out.

462. - Yes I am.

463. I've been going from bank to bank

464. trying to borrow some money.

465. - Didn't they have none?

466. - Well, none that they wanted to loan me.

467. You see, Mr. Clampett, my chicken ranch

468. is mortgaged to the hilt.

469. I have no credit, no collateral.

470. I need money to buy feed.

471. - We got a vault full of it.

472. How much money you need?

473. - You see, if I just had enough...

474. Are you kidding me?

475. - Ellie Mae, take him out to the vault

476. and show him the money.

477. - No, no, no.

478. Would you really lend me the money?

479. - Well, that's what banks is for, ain't it?

480. - Well, yes,

481. but I, I'm poor.

482. I have no security.

483. No shame being poor.

484. As long as you're honest.

485. - How do you know I'm honest?

486. - Well if you wasn't

487. you'd be telling me about how much you got

488. instead of how much you ain't got.

489. - Mr. Clampett, I've never met a banker like you before.

490. - Oh shucks, Mr. Drysdale can out bank me

491. any day of the week.

492. - He must be a wonderful man.

493. - You bet he is, the best banker around here.

494. Now, how much money would you like to have?

495. - Well sir, I

496. I really need $5,000,

497. but I can squeeze by on three or four.

498. - Ellie Mae, go fetch this man $5,000.

499. - Yes sir, pa.

500. - Bring him a cup of that cider

501. that granny sent down to ward off sick benefits.

502. Doggies if he doesn't look like he's coming down with it.

503. - Okay pa.

504. - Now for my secret yarb.

505. - What is your secret yarb, granny?

506. - Oh I doubt to tell you, Jethro.

507. Why if that was ever to fall into the hands of the enemy

508. the North could win the war.

509. - Told you granny, they done won it.

510. - No such thing.

511. We's just laying back

512. letting them think they did.

513. One of these days when they ain't looking.

514. We's gonna jump them!

515. - You gotta believe me.

516. The South done got whooped.

517. - You go cut me a hickory switch

518. and meet me in the woodshed.

519. And I'll show you who got whooped.

520. - That's another thing I keep telling you.

521. We ain't got no hickory tree and no woodshed.

522. - That's right.

523. I guess I'm getting old and feeble.

524. - Yes ma'am.

525. - Well, open your mouth, close your eyes.

526. Granny's gonna give you a little surprise.

527. - Oh good!

528. - Swallow that.

529. That'll keep you well

530. and learn you not to talk Yankee nonsense.

531. - Hey doll.

532. There's some square put the bite on your old man

533. for a gang of bread.

534. - What?

535. - When he laid 5,000 on him.

536. - Oh, you mean Mr. Wilson?

537. - That's a cat.

538. How'd he get?

539. - Well he told pa he needed it for his chickens.

540. - You're kidding?

541. What would chickens do with all that money?

542. - It was for Mr. Wilson to buy feed.

543. He's got a chicken ranch.

544. - And your dad gave him $5,000 for chicken feed?

545. - Why sure, pa's got 35 million.

546. - 35 million?

547. - And he likes folks that raises critters.

548. - Do you think he's got time

549. to see a young critter raiser?

550. - Well sure, go on in.

551. - I'll dig you later.

552. Mr. Clampett, sir.

553. My name is Bob Billington,

554. and your lovely daughter told me

555. that you could spare me a few moments of your valuable time.

556. - You bet I will, young fellow.

557. What's on your mind?

558. - Well, sir, I work here at the bank

559. but my heart's back on the ranch.

560. The chicken ranch, that is.

561. Or was,

562. till I lost all of my chickens.

563. Sweet little critters.

564. - How'd you lose them?

565. - Well sir, I'm not sure.

566. I just woke up one morning and they were gone.

567. I guess one of them left the gate open.

568. - What kind of chickens were they?

569. - Just regular kind,

570. you know with the wings and the feathers

571. and those crazy looking feet.

572. Mr. Clampett, if I could just borrow $10,000,

573. then I could get back

574. into the business that I love,

575. raising chickens.

576. - Gee, how many chickens you wanna start with?

577. - Oh, about $10,000 worth.

578. - How many roosters?

579. - Oh no roosters, just chickens.

580. These days you gotta specialize.

581. - Ellie Mae.

582. - Oh howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

583. How was your speech?

584. - Sensational.

585. The high point of the convention.

586. Listen, did a man named Wilson

587. come in here to borrow some money?

588. - Yes, sir and pa gave him $5,000.

589. - Oh, bless him.

590. That's what did it.

591. - Did what?

592. - Got me named Banker of the Year.

593. They're putting a plaque in the lobby

594. calling this the bank with a heart.

595. - How come?

596. - Well, six banks were secretly nominated for the honor.

597. Wilson went to each bank and this is the only one

598. that gave him money.

599. - Well that poor man needed it.

600. - Wilson?

601. He's the biggest poultry rancher in the world.

602. And the stockholder and all six banks.

603. - Oh, is your wonderful father still in there?

604. - Yes, sir.

605. - How about it, Mr. Clampett?

606. - I'm going to give you just what you need.

607. - Great, lay it on me!

608. - A little advice.

609. Get back to your job and forget about chickens.

610. - You were born to command, sir.

611. The voice of authority,

612. the greatest I've ever heard.

613. - What about me?

614. - You are the only one that cuts him, skipper.

615. What a privilege it is for a young fellow like me

616. to see two great leaders together.

617. It's a summit meeting recreated.

618. - Out!

619. Out of my office!

620. Out of my bank!

621. You're fired!

622. You're an irresponsible loafer.

623. - May I give you as a reference, sir?

624. - Out! (audience laughing)

625. - Sir, having served under your command sir.

626. - Granny, this here's Mr. Billington.

627. And he wants to court me.

628. - That true, young fellow?

629. - It ever loving is, granny.

630. - Have you got sick benefits?

631. - Loaded with them!

632. - Open your mouth and close your eyes

633. and granny will give you a little surprise.

634. Swallow this.

635. - Hey you know something?

636. When I was in the Navy, I tasted some jungle juice...

637. - Good looking young fellow.

638. Good dancer, too.

639. - I reckon that's the new dance

640. he's been wanting to teach me.

641. It's called the Bossy Nova.