The Beverly Hillbillies 1x34

1. - The Beverly Hillbillies!

2. - Oh!

3. (laugh track drowns out speaker).

4. - Oh, I'm sorry, you got all tangled up in the rope.

5. - Well, I am rather helpless,

6. if a man were to try and kiss me now,

7. I couldn't resist.

8. - You couldn't?

9. - No, I'd, I'd be at his mercy.

10. - Don't worry about that,

11. ain't no man gonna kiss you while I'm here.

12. - Jethro, you are like a magnificent skyscraper

13. with an uncompleted penthouse.

14. - Thank ya'.

15. - Oh that reminds me, Dr. Twombly

16. is most anxious to see you again.

17. - Well, I'm anxious to see him too.

18. He never did gimme my certificate of health for school.

19. - Well Dr. Twombly is not an internist or diagnostician,

20. he works in the field of psychiatry.

21. - Well, as soon as he gets done working in that field

22. and gets back to his office,

23. I sure would like to see him.

24. - Well, he's in his office now,

25. but what I want to explain is-

26. - Hey, I better hustle down there right now.

27. Ms. Potts says, without I have a doctor's certificate

28. I can't graduate until the sixth grade.

29. - Jethro!

30. - Oh good morning Granny.

31. - Morning Ms. Hathaway, where's Jethro?

32. I told him to stream me a clothesline in here.

33. I'm gonna have to take a hickory switch to that boy again.

34. - He's gone rally.

35. But you don't need a clothesline.

36. - I sure do, can't hang 'em outside,

37. it's gonna rain today.

38. - (lightly chuckles) But Granny,

39. you have an automatic clothes dryer that-

40. Rain today?

41. - That's right.

42. - Well, I just read the weather forecast

43. in the morning paper and it says fair.

44. - Yeah, it's gonna be a pretty fair rain.

45. - Granny, the Government Weather Bureau says,

46. "no rain today".

47. - Is that a fact?

48. - Granny.

49. Oh howdy there Ms. Hathaway.

50. - Howdy.

51. - Granny, your soaps hardening up real good.

52. - I best go out and start cutting it into cakes,

53. it's gonna rain today.

54. - Mr. Clampett, perhaps you could ease Granny's mind

55. about this rain.

56. - Oh, that don't effects Granny none,

57. she likes rain.

58. Sides, it don't rain enough out here.

59. - It's not going to rain today.

60. - Who says it ain't?

61. - Well, the US Weather Bureau.

62. - Who's he?

63. - If I had to narrow it down to one he,

64. I guess I'd say chief meteorologist.

65. - Well yeah, them Indians is pretty good

66. at reading rain signs,

67. but I'll go along with Granny.

68. - Well uh, the United States Weather Bureau

69. does not depend upon rain signs.

70. It is a vast complex of highly skilled meteorologists,

71. working with the latest scientific equipment.

72. They send balloons tens of thousands of feet into the air,

73. to measure wind velocity, barometric pressure,

74. moisture content, and temperature.

75. Their radar network scans the weather

76. all over the continent.

77. Their weather satellites are out in space,

78. circling the globe.

79. Now (chuckles), now (chuckles),

80. what does Granny have to compare with this

81. in making a weather forecast? (chuckles)

82. - Twinges.

83. - What?

84. - Them little stabbing pains in her bones.

85. - I know what twinges are,

86. but they can hardly be considered

87. dependable weather profits.

88. - Well, I reckon they as good as balloons.

89. Granny got other ways of telling when rain's on the way.

90. She studies ants, and spiders,

91. and listen to the way the howl hoots, and other things.

92. - I'm afraid superstitions and omens cannot compete

93. with knowledge and experience.

94. - Well, I am glad you're coming around

95. to our way of thinking.

96. Where's Jethro?

97. Granny's gonna want him

98. to tote that soap in before it rains.

99. - He's gone to Dr. Dr. Twombly's office.

100. - Good, he gonna need that health certificate at school.

101. - Got to have it before I can graduate to fifth grade.

102. - You're in the fifth grade?

103. - Yes sir, fixin' to scoot right on up into the sixth,

104. quick as you can gimme my certificate of health.

105. - Jethro, a simple physical examination's no problem,

106. I want to explore your mental capacity,

107. your cerebral region.

108. - Should I take off my shirt?

109. - No, no, that won't be necessary.

110. Just make yourself comfortable on the couch over there.

111. - Well, what did you do to your thumb?

112. - Oh, uh, I have a patient who thinks he's a dog.

113. - I hope this examination won't take too long.

114. I got to get to school for it rains.

115. - Oh, you don't have to worry about that Jethro,

116. it isn't going to rain.

117. - Oh yes it is, Granny says so.

118. And when Granny says something's gonna happen, it happens.

119. - Sounds like she has remarkable powers.

120. - Strongest little woman you ever did see.

121. - I meant clairvoyant powers.

122. Uh, would you say she's a medium?

123. - No sir, I'd say she's a small.

124. She's strong as a medium,

125. and if she ever took a switch to you you'd know it.

126. - Has she ever taken a switch to you?

127. - Oh, she sure has (whoops passionately).

128. - And you stood for it?

129. - Last time stood for pert near two days.

130. - Sounds like your grandmother is rather savage.

131. - Sometimes she's as ornery as a mud wasp in a dry gourd.

132. - Violence (laugh track drowns out speaker).

133. - I'll say.

134. - You're afraid of her?

135. - Oh oh, yes sir.

136. - She's vicious?

137. - Well, that's a fact.

138. - Mean?

139. - Darn tootin'.

140. - Cruel?

141. - Oh yes sir.

142. - You hate her?

143. - Granny?

144. Why she's the sweetest little woman that ever lived.

145. - But you said she whips you.

146. - Well, she sure does.

147. - How often?

148. - Well, just as often as I need it.

149. - Jethro, you're quite a remarkable boy.

150. - Oh, is the examination over?

151. - No, no, no, just lie down.

152. Now, you say you don't hate your grandmother.

153. But how do you feel about your uncle Jed?

154. Is he a strict disciplinary?

155. - Uncle Jed says that's nobody's business.

156. - What?

157. - He says it don't matter what church you go to,

158. just so long as you go.

159. - My question wasn't about religion.

160. - Well, if you ever get one, you just ask uncle Jed.

161. 'Cause he can quote the good book from cover to cover.

162. - That's wonderful.

163. So you like your uncle Jed?

164. - Oh yes sir.

165. Well back home. I used to brag that uncle Jed

166. could out shoot, out lift, out hunt, out fight,

167. and out figure any man in them there hills.

168. - I see, back home, you were proud of him, hmm?

169. - Oh, yes sir.

170. - But now that you're in Beverly Hills,

171. surrounded by well-educated, well-dressed,

172. sophisticated, important, and successful men,

173. you still brag about him?

174. - No sir, I don't.

175. - Ah ha.

176. Why not?

177. - Uncle Jed says it's sinful

178. to shame these puny little city fellers.

179. - Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

180. I just put the last stitch in Elly May's brand new dress

181. and I'd like for you to see it.

182. - Oh, I'd love to.

183. - Elly May, come on down.

184. - By doggy, when it comes to fancy sowing and dressmaking,

185. ain't nobody sits higher on the stump than my cousin Pearl.

186. Well, it's the truth.

187. - I know, but it embarrasses me.

188. - Kind of busy isn't it?

189. By doggy, I bet you Beverly Hills

190. ain't never seen a dress like that.

191. - You have my word on it.

192. - It ain't so much.

193. - "Eat", she says.

194. Look at her, you're in it like a butcher's dog.

195. - You mean you, you, you did this all yourself?

196. - Every pop, ruffle, gusset, gore, and islet.

197. Let's go show it to Granny and Jethro.

198. - Oh, Mrs. Bodine, uh, Jethro is in Dr. Twombly's office.

199. - Oh, Ms. Hathaway, how well do you know

200. that there Dr. Twombly?

201. - Well, I'm not a patient of his,

202. but he has a very big reputation.

203. - I think I know how he got it.

204. - What do you mean?

205. - I wasn't in his office for two minutes

206. and he tried to lure me to his couch.

207. - Well, what, he does that with everybody.

208. He's a psychiatrist.

209. - Yeah, he admitted that to me.

210. I told him he oughtta try to get hisself cured.

211. - Psychiatry is what he practices.

212. - Well he ain't gonna practice on Pearl.

213. - Now there Jethro,

214. as I've already explained,

215. sometimes we have hostilities and aggressions,

216. but just so deeply hidden from our conscious mind

217. that they reveal themselves only in our dreams.

218. Now please,

219. try again to recall for me a few of your dreams.

220. Jethro.

221. - Hmm, hmm?

222. - I want you to tell me about your dreams.

223. - You keep asking me about my dreams,

224. but you won't let me sleep long enough to have one.

225. - Let's forget about the dreams

226. and go back to your conscious relationship with your family.

227. Now we've established that you love your mother,

228. adore your grandmother, and worship your uncle Jed.

229. How do you feel about your cousin Elly May?

230. - Dr. Twombly, there is times

231. when I'd like to whoop the tar outta that girl.

232. - Uh huh, and just when is that?

233. - When she whoops the tar out of me.

234. - What do you mean?

235. - Well, she's all the time wrastlin' me down,

236. getting a toehold, or an arm lock on me.

237. I'm back smarts.

238. - You mean to tell me that that beautiful

239. and fragile looking girl can engage you

240. in combat and emerge victorious?

241. - No sir, but she can whoop the tar outta me wrastlin'.

242. - And that makes you angry?

243. - You bet!

244. - You want revenge?

245. - Yes sir.

246. - She disgraces you?

247. - Yes sir.

248. - Shames you?

249. - Yes sir.

250. - And you hate her?

251. - Elly May?

252. Well shucks no, I'd cut off my right arm for her.

253. - Jethro, don't you hate anybody?

254. - Well, I'm commencing to get a might put out with you,

255. for not giving me my certificate of health.

256. - All right Jethro,

257. you take this note to Dr. Wilson across the hall

258. and he'll give you your certificate for school.

259. - Thank you.

260. Oh hi Mr. Drysdale.

261. - Well, Jethro, hello.

262. - You going in to see Dr. Twombly?

263. - Briefly, yes.

264. - Do you hate your mother?

265. - No.

266. - Well, don't tell the Dr.,

267. seems to disappoint him something awful.

268. - Come in.

269. - Hello Gene.

270. - Oh, Milburn.

271. - Oh, biting nails again?

272. - Ha ha, um, your wife was scheduled for this hour.

273. - Yes, I know, she just called me from the beauty parlor,

274. she's running a little late there

275. and felt she needed that more than this.

276. And uh, I have to agree.

277. - Your wife's doing fine.

278. She's greatly improved.

279. - Oh really?

280. You know, it's hard to believe

281. that once she was worse than she is now.

282. - (chuckles) Oh, I'm greatly indebted to both of you

283. for putting me in contact

284. with that wonderful Clampett family.

285. - Fascinating aren't they?

286. - Remarkable.

287. Jethro is the most uncomplicated teenager I've ever met.

288. - The whole family's uncomplicated.

289. Happy as hogs in the mud water.

290. - (chuckles) You are close to them.

291. - I'm proud of them.

292. - You're just the man to get me back in their good graces.

293. - Oh, what happened?

294. - Jethro's mother misunderstood my invitation to the couch.

295. I persona non grata up here.

296. - Well you just come with me,

297. I can fix that.

298. - Wonderful.

299. I'm especially anxious to question Granny.

300. That little woman is a walking encyclopedia

301. of mountain medicine, superstition, and phenomena.

302. She absolutely fascinates me.

303. - My dingy dilly May.

304. You're prettier than a redwing blackbird

305. sitting on a yeller pumpkin.

306. - Thank you Granny, but I think Pearl's dress that does it.

307. - Is this all hand work lace Pearl?

308. - Oh, every stitch of lace, braid, ribbon, and bow.

309. I put a lot into that dress.

310. - Elly May puts considerable into it herself.

311. - Elly May, Ms. Gene here has got a right dandy idea.

312. She wants to take you out shopping for some other dresses.

313. - What?

314. - Now don't get your hackles up Pearl.

315. I reckon she wants to save this one for best.

316. - Exactly, a dress like this should,

317. should not be worn too often.

318. - It would be a chore to wash and iron it.

319. - That's the truth.

320. - Well now, run along girls,

321. but be back before three.

322. - Well do we have to pa?

323. - Well you don't wanna get caught out

324. in the rain in that dress.

325. That's when you said it was gonna come down,

326. wasn't it Granny?

327. - It's gonna start to shower at three o'clock.

328. - Granny, it is-

329. nevermind.

330. Come on Elly May.

331. - Granny, maybe I oughta ride into town with them

332. and stop off at Dr. Twombly's office.

333. See what's happened with Jethro.

334. - Pearl, don't throw yourself at that goomer doctor.

335. - Oh, he ain't no goomer doctor.

336. - Well, he ain't a regular doctor.

337. I asked him, I says, "how do you cure warts?".

338. And he commences, giving me a lotta talk

339. about a electric needle.

340. Right quick I says,

341. "how you gonna thread it, with alien wire?". (laughs)

342. He had no answer for that one.

343. - Yeah, maybe he ain't just the best doctor

344. that ever come along, but, I kinda like him.

345. - Well, I still say don't throw yourself at him Pearl.

346. If you wanna see him, I'll conjure him over here.

347. - How?

348. - My love charm.

349. I got them all locked up.

350. All it needs is a little starting powder,

351. and you just say the magic words.

352. - Granny, I don't hold with conjures and love charms.

353. - Pearl, with your boy in Beverly Hills school,

354. why do you wanna stay so ignorant?

355. - They don't use this kinda stuff in Beverly Hills.

356. - That's why it's so powerful out here.

357. They don't know how to fight it.

358. Open the pouch a might,

359. and I'll sift in a little starting powder.

360. And then you hold it to your heart,

361. and you say the magic words.

362. - Granny, I don't know how to do it.

363. - I'll show you, now you watch.

364. Darlin', darlin', my true love,

365. come a swoopin' like a dove.

366. - Granny, Granny!

367. There's somebody here to see you.

368. - Granny, I couldn't wait to see you again.

369. - Great (laugh track drowns out speaker).

370. I conjured him for myself.

371. Get away from me, it's Pearl you want, not me!

372. Toads and buzzards, bats ole bean,

373. switch the spell to Pearl Bodine.

374. Get away from me, get away from me.

375. You get away from me.

376. - But Mr. Clampett, you don't understand.

377. - Now, now, now, just calm down Dr. Twombly.

378. Over here and sit on a sofie

379. whilst you get a grip on yourself.

380. - Well, I'll be getting back to the bank Gene,

381. I see your in good hands.

382. - No Milburn, wait!

383. What's going on, explain it to me.

384. - Me, explain the behavior of these uncomplicated people,

385. to Beverly Hills' leading psychiatrist.

386. - Uh Milburn, wait.

387. - Sorry, I wanna pick up my wife

388. at the beauty shop, before the rain.

389. - Rain, what rain?

390. The forecast says clear.

391. - You'll learn.

392. So long scientist.

393. - Mr. Clampett, I am perfectly all right.

394. All I wanna do is see Granny.

395. - I know that, but you coulda controlled the urge

396. so she can break the spell.

397. - What spell?

398. - The one she throwed on you by accident.

399. - I'd like to talk to her about it.

400. - I know you would, but just simmer down a little first.

401. - I told you that love charm would work twice as powerful

402. on these Beverly Hills men.

403. - I can't believe, I just can't believe it.

404. - I tried to switch it over to you,

405. but it had too strong a hold on him.

406. I have to break the spell now with my lettin' go powder.

407. And then start all over for you.

408. - Now understand me, I don't blame you for the way you feel.

409. Ain't no finer women growed in the whole world

410. than in the hills back home.

411. Now you take my cousin Pearl.

412. - Powder powder white as snow,

413. make this feller love let go.

414. The spell is broke Jed, you can let him go now.

415. - Oh, Granny, wait, what did you do to me?

416. Come back, I wanna talk to you,

417. Granny, please.

418. - Granny, looks like the spell ain't broken.

419. - Never seen a man held so tight in the grip of love.

420. - Well you gotta remember

421. this feller's a psychiatrist to start with.

422. Now stay right where you are Dr.,

423. I'll bring Granny in to see you just like I promised,

424. and Pearl too.

425. - Jed, how do I look?

426. - Fetching as a fat hog on market day.

427. Let's go see how Granny's doing.

428. Granny.

429. - (screams) Granny!

430. - Doggy, you could scare away vultures.

431. - Oh, I do appreciate this Granny.

432. - Me too, come on.

433. - I'm glad to get shed of the rascal.

434. Why, they must be 30,

435. 40 years difference in our ages.

436. - At least.

437. - I'm not about to get mixed up

438. in one of them May in December courtships.

439. - All right Granny, come on.

440. - Here they are.

441. - Bonjour missure doctor.

442. - Granny, no, (stammers).

443. - Pearl, I never see a spell to beat thissun.

444. I got him settled down,

445. I think I found his weak spot Pearl.

446. - What's that?

447. - He's mighty fond of music.

448. Come on in and yodel for him.

449. - Jed, I just can't bust out yodeling for no reason.

450. - Well, don't worry, I'll lead you into it real natural.

451. - Well, I just hope it,

452. helps to get his mind off Granny.

453. - Me too Pearl.

454. I'm getting awful tired of that young feller chasing me.

455. Why, there must be 20 years difference in our ages.

456. - At least.

457. Come on Pearl.

458. - By dingy daisy, it was your love charm

459. that got him started (chuckles).

460. But, maybe it's your own charm that keeps him going.

461. - Let's see, Dr. Twombly, did I ever tell you

462. about my cousin Pearl here

463. being an extra fine cook and housekeeper?

464. - Yes, you did.

465. - Did I tell you about her dressmaking?

466. - Yes.

467. - Sock darning, and the shirt mending?

468. - Yes.

469. - Well uh, speaking of yodeling-

470. let loose Pearl.

471. You ever hear anything like that Dr.?

472. - Never.

473. - You got any requests?

474. - Yes, I'd like to see Granny.

475. - Granny, Granny, I'm back at school Granny!

476. Whooee, ain't you spruced up.

477. - Quiet down boy, there's company in the parlor.

478. - Who?

479. - Dr. Twombly.

480. - So that's how come you so fancy dressed up

481. and smelling with vanilla extract.

482. - No it's not.

483. - Well he's right taken with you Granny.

484. He's been asking me a lotta questions about you.

485. - Don't be silly.

486. Why there's at least five,

487. or 10 years difference in our ages.

488. - How many?

489. - Oh put your truck away, it's gonna start to rain.

490. - But Granny, the paper says it's-

491. - Go when I tell ya.

492. - Did I hear Jeth-?

493. Oh, here you are Granny, thank goodness.

494. At last, maybe we can be alone together for a little while.

495. I got so much to talk to you about.

496. - Before we begin, I wanna remind you

497. that (slaps hand) I ain't no spring chicken.

498. - I couldn't care less, I'm glad you're the age you are.

499. - Well, you ain't exactly

500. just hatched outta the egg yourself.

501. - So much the better, gives us more in common.

502. - Well, as long as you got your eyes wide open,

503. let's go into the parlor.

504. - No, wait, I've got a better idea.

505. We'll only be interrupted in there.

506. My car's out front, we'll go for a drive,

507. we can talk much better that way.

508. - Is that your car out front with no top on it?

509. - Yes, I always take the top off this time of the year.

510. - Well, we can't go driving, cause it's gonna start to rain.

511. - No it isn't.

512. - No, I'd say it is.

513. - Well I heard the news on the way over.

514. The weather forecast is for clear skies.

515. - What time is it?

516. - A little before three.

517. - It's gonna start to shower any minute.

518. - No it isn't.

519. - No, I'd say it is.

520. - What makes you think so?

521. - I been reading the signs.

522. - What signs?

523. - The way the ants is banking the dirt up

524. in front of their holes,

525. and the owl is hooting close to the house

526. during the day.

527. - Fascinating, come on.

528. You can tell me all about while we drive around.

529. - I ain't going driving in the rain.

530. - But Granny, it isn't going to rain.

531. - You are the muliest goomer of a doctor I ever did see.

532. - Come on.

533. - Hang on Granny, help is a comin'.

534. - See, I knew this would happen if we stayed here.

535. - Leave him be Jed, we's old enough to know what we's doing.

536. Sides, he's gotta get his car under cover

537. before the rain hits.

538. - It isn't going to rain.

539. Now look, let me show you.

540. Look.

541. Did you ever see such a clear blue sky, such a-

542. What's that black thing?

543. - That's a rain cloud.

544. By golly Granny, you hit it right on the nose.

545. - Oh, my car.

546. - That poor fella's gonna get soaked,

547. but I reckon a cold shower won't hurt him none.

548. Might even broke the love spell you throwed on him Granny.

549. - Oh, I don't care about that no more.

550. Things wouldn't a worked out between him and me no way.

551. - Well, what do you mean?

552. - He's too old, and set in his ways.