The Beverly Hillbillies 1x33

Directed by Richard Whorf

Bea Benaderet as Cousin Pearl Bodine • Herbert Rudley as Dr. Twombly • Karen Norris as Nurse • Richard Earl Wesson as Patient

Jethro needs a health certificate to graduate from the fifth grade, so he goes to the only doctor the Clampetts know about - Mrs. Drysdale's psychiatrist. The psychiatrist may have bitten off more than he can chew when he starts treating Jethro. Dr. Twombly gets nowhere with Jethro, so Pearl comes and she thinks he is testing her virtue when he tries to lay her on his couch.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Can I help ya, Granny?

2. - Sure can, Elly, I must be getting old.

3. This clothes basket is heavier

4. than a bucket full of hog's livers.

5. Don't touch it! It's haunted!

6. - I bet ya little Jasper crawled in there to get warm.

7. - Who in tarnation is little Jasper?

8. - Hey, you cute critter.

9. - I declare, another pussycat.

10. This one's all broke out with spots.

11. - This here little feller is what you call a jaguar.

12. - Where'd he come from?

13. - Critter doctor over the zoo said

14. he comes all the way from South America.

15. - Down Louisiana way.

16. Nice country. (audience laughing)

17. - Yep, but they bring him home to me.

18. He says I got a way with critters.

19. - Well, you better get a way with this one

20. before your Pa sees it.

21. He's gettin' a craw full of you

22. dragging home them critters.

23. - Where is Pa?

24. - Out front soling shoes.

25. - Come on, little Jasper, I better hide you better.

26. - Jed, I'm back!

27. Well, it's me, Pearl.

28. Don't you want to kiss me?

29. - Just didn't wanna nail us together, Pearl.

30. By doggie, is it good to see ya!

31. - It's good to be here.

32. - I thought I heard Pearl's voice!

33. - Ya did!

34. - Waaaah! - Oh, Granny!

35. - You old rascal, you, you surprised us.

36. How are things back home?

37. - Fine as frog's hair.

38. - Why didn't ya let us know you was comin?

39. We'd a met you at the airport.

40. - Oh, that'd spoil the surprise.

41. 'Sides, I didn't wanna take Jethro outta school

42. and Mr. Drysdale offered his limousine and little chauffeur.

43. Thanks a heap.

44. Jed, give the chauffeur a tip.

45. - Come on, Pearl.

46. Come inside, tell me all the news.

47. (Granny and Pearl murmuring) - Oh, ah,

48. just a minute, young feller.

49. Got a tip for you.

50. - Thank you, sir.

51. - Plant your corn early this year.

52. - Aunt Pearl!

53. Aunt Pearl!

54. - Elly May, it's good to see ya.

55. - Well, tell us all about Jethrine gettin' married.

56. - Did you have a big fancy wedding in your parlor?

57. - Sure she did. Pearl has been planning that for years.

58. - It didn't quite come off the way I planned it.

59. - What happened?

60. - You know, I had Jethrine

61. all set to marry Albert Ledbetter,

62. that tall spring bean that wanted to take over to Ripley.

63. - Good steady fella, Al.

64. Best undertaker in the whole county.

65. - Only undertaker in the county.

66. - Nice feller too.

67. - Oh, Granny, I wish you coulda seen

68. the way he decorated my parlor.

69. Well, you couldn't walk for the flowers.

70. They weren't all strictly fresh, mind you,

71. and some of them still had the black ribbons on them.

72. - Well, flowers is flowers.

73. - Al never was one to waste nuthin'.

74. - Well, what happened, Aunt Pearl?

75. Didn't cousin Jethrine marry up with the undertaker?

76. - Stood him up, 'loped with another man.

77. - There goes my free funeral.

78. - Well, tell me, Pearl, who'd Jethrine 'lope with?

79. - That drummer from Joplin, Jasper Depew.

80. - Why, he weren't no more than half her size.

81. - I reckon love ain't measured by a yardstick, Granny.

82. And they do look happy.

83. Sent me a snapshot from Turnersville.

84. - How'd ol' Al Ledbetter take it, Pearl,

85. Jethrine standing him up like that?

86. - Took it right nasty, Jed.

87. He backed his hearse up to the door

88. and hauled away every single flower.

89. - Where'd he take 'em?

90. - Straight over to Elverna Bradshaw's parlor.

91. He up and married her daughter

92. before them flowers could wilt.

93. - Al never was one to waste nuthin'.

94. - Uncle Jed, I gotta have...

95. - Hello, son!

96. - Ma! Golly gee.

97. - Jethro, put me down!

98. - Jethro! What are you doing home from school

99. in the middle of the morning?

100. - Did you hear your Ma was coming home?

101. - No, Uncle Jed.

102. They just found out over at school

103. that I ain't got no certificate of health.

104. - What's that?

105. - That's something that says that I'm healthy.

106. - I say you're healthy, now go on back to school.

107. - I gotta have an examination first, Granny.

108. - Stick out your tongue.

109. You're healthy, get back to school.

110. - Granny, I reckon he's gotta be examined by a doctor.

111. - I've been doctorin' better'n 60 years.

112. - It's gotta be a doctor that's what they call a MD.

113. - What does that stand fer?

114. - Mister Doctor, I reckon.

115. - Well, I'mma MD, Missus Doctor.

116. - Granny, maybe he oughta do like the school says, hmm?

117. - Silly doctors.

118. - Trouble is, we don't know no doctors.

119. - Well, I know the critter doctor over to the zoo.

120. - Jethro's a human being, Elly May.

121. - Thank ya, Ma.

122. - Why don't we ask Mrs. Drysdale?

123. I hear tell she's been to every doctor in Beverly Hills.

124. - Hey, Marie the maid told me about a doctor

125. she's been going to for seven years.

126. - He must be a Cracker Jack.

127. What's his name?

128. - Ah, Let me think.

129. Ah, it commences with a D.

130. I got it! Dr. Twombly.

131. - Twombly don't commence with a D.

132. - Well, doctor does.

133. - Jethro, you go on upstairs and take a bath

134. and put on some clean underwear,

135. and get over and see him.

136. - Okay, Ma.

137. - I sure hope Dr. Twombly don't examine his brains.

138. - Analysis is progressing most satisfactorily.

139. Tomorrow, same time.

140. - Yes.

141. Well, thank you, Dr. Twombly.

142. - And don't worry about

143. the regression into infancy syndrome.

144. You'll overcome this desire to be a baby again.

145. - Yes, sir. Thank you, Doctor.

146. Thank you. (audience laughing)

147. - And you thought you had some beauties, Dr. Freud.

148. - Oh, Doctor, there's one more patient.

149. His name is Jethro Bodine.

150. - But this is my golf day!

151. You know I don't take patients after 11 o'clock.

152. - He was referred by Mrs. Drysdale.

153. - Oh, all right.

154. Call Dr. Black and tell him I'll meet him

155. on the golf course at 12:15.

156. - Yes, Doctor.

157. Doctor, this is Jethro Bodine.

158. - Howdy.

159. - How are ya, Jethro?

160. Make yourself comfortable on the couch, won't you?

161. - Thank ya.

162. - Would you like to tell me all about yourself

163. and why you're here?

164. - Well, why I'm here is that I can't go to school

165. till I get examined by you.

166. - I see. (audience laughing)

167. Just lie back and relax.

168. - Well, thank ya. (audience laughing)

169. - Now, suppose you tell me about this problem

170. you're having at school.

171. - Well, my biggest problem is staying awake

172. while the teacher's talking.

173. - Well, that might be nothing more

174. than a benign subconscious rejection of authority

175. represented by the teacher.

176. It doesn't mean that you necessarily lack interest

177. or capability or intelligence.

178. Above all, you mustn't let this cause you any distress.

179. Together, we will probe into the underlying causations

180. and... (Jethro snoring)

181. So good to feel needed.

182. - Elly May, this little critter

183. just scared the living daylights outta your Aunt Pearl.

184. Now, something tells me it just might be yours.

185. - I'm awful sorry, Pa.

186. I plumb forgot I hid him in Aunt Pearl's dresser drawer.

187. He just loves to get in betwixt clothes and snooze.

188. - Give me a terrible start, Elly.

189. I thought it was a fur muff

190. and I started to stick my hand in

191. and he bit right down on it.

192. Oh, I let out a yell, I can tell ya.

193. - Pearl, I heard ya clean down to the cement pond.

194. You're yodeling better than ever.

195. - No, Granny, I was yelling.

196. - I reckon a wiry critter like this oughta be outside

197. instead of in the house scaring folks.

198. - Oh, leave her stay, Jed.

199. I'm commencing to like her yodeling.

200. - Oh, Granny!

201. Has anybody heard anything of Jethro?

202. He's been at that doctor for a good spell now.

203. - Ah, rest easy, Pearl.

204. There's a lot of boy there to examine.

205. - Now, Jethro, during your few waking moments

206. you have managed to tell me that your mother's a widow.

207. - Oh yes, sir.

208. - I'd like you to tell me all about your mother.

209. I'm very interested in her.

210. - Don't blame you. She's pretty.

211. - That's fine.

212. Now then, Jethro.

213. What's your relationship to your mother?

214. - I'm her son!

215. - Yes, I know that.

216. But how do you feel about it?

217. Do you like her?

218. - Boy, I sure do.

219. She's a dandy, yeah.

220. - Does she ever give you hostile emotions

221. or aggressive tendencies?

222. - Well, she would if I asked her for 'em.

223. - Yes, well, suppose we talk about your father.

224. Do you remember him?

225. - Oh yes, sir.

226. He used to take me hunting.

227. Taught me how to shoot with a rifle

228. when I was just a little feller.

229. - Oh, you were good buddies when he was alive?

230. - Oh yes, sir.

231. - Did you miss him?

232. - I never shot at him!

233. - Well, suppose you tell me about the rest of your family.

234. Do you have any brothers?

235. - No, sir, but I got a sister that's got one.

236. - Well, that would be you, Jethro.

237. - No, sir. Her name is Jethrine.

238. - Why don't you go back to sleep for a while?

239. - Oh, Granny, wait till you see what all's in here.

240. Every last thing you asked me to bring back from the hills.

241. - Oh, bless you, Pearl!

242. My coon root.

243. Pearl, you'll never know how I needed this.

244. When you simmer this in slippery elm tea,

245. it is first rate for chills and fever.

246. - Dried crawdad tails.

247. - Oh! (audience laughing)

248. Big rascals too.

249. When they is ground up to powder,

250. you can't beat it for easin' headaches,

251. curing warts, and seasoning sauerkraut.

252. - Catfish whiskers. - Oh! Oh!

253. - Stump water. - Oh! Oh!

254. - Dogwood bark. - Oh! Oh!

255. - And the skins from three full growed newts

256. caught at midnight under a full moon.

257. - Oh, Pearl!

258. You ain't gonna believe this,

259. but you just can't buy these in Beverly Hills.

260. - That's a fact, Pearl.

261. Jethro drove me up to five big department stores out here

262. and not one of 'em had a newt skin.

263. - And when it comes to charms and potions,

264. you might just as well not commence

265. unless you've got the midnight, moonlight-caught,

266. fully growed newt!

267. - Pearl, did you do all this gathering yourself?

268. - Oh, no, no, Jed. I had company.

269. Especially for the midnight moonlight newt hunt.

270. - Mmm-hmm. Anybody I know?

271. - Oh, three of the most marriageable men in the hills.

272. - That'd be a Jack Cantrell, the widower Lloyd,

273. and old man Casey.

274. - Oh, he ain't so old.

275. I declare I had to watch out more for him than the newts.

276. - I'm surprised you didn't get married

277. while you was back home, Pearl.

278. - I had plenty of chances, Granny,

279. but I got spoilt living out here.

280. So I'm gonna hold out for one of them good looking,

281. snappy-dressing, money-spending Beverly Hills fellas.

282. Wild honeycomb. - Honeycomb and mountain dew.

283. Best thing in the world for quinsy.

284. - Mountain grown flaxseed.

285. - Nothing better for poultices.

286. - Old George MacQueenie sent that to ya.

287. - I'll take it anyway.

288. - Ma!

289. Ma!

290. - Well, what'd the doctor say?

291. Are you well? Are ya healthy?

292. - I never did find out.

293. When that Dr. Twombly heard that you was my ma,

294. that's all he talked about from then on.

295. - Talking about me?

296. - He musta asked a dozen questions about you.

297. - But Jethro, I don't even know the man.

298. - Well, he sure knows about you.

299. He'd like you to come to his office to see you.

300. - When?

301. - Well, he says, "The sooner the better."

302. And he's a good looker too.

303. - Betcha Mrs. Drysdale told him about me.

304. I'll hurry and put on my store-bought hair

305. and my high society dress.

306. - Jethro!

307. This Dr. Twombly a pretty nice fella?

308. - Yes, sir. But he's awful nosey though.

309. Never stops asking questions.

310. - That shows he's interested.

311. - But there's one thing about him Ma ain't gonna like.

312. He's a messy writer.

313. - He is? - Yes, sir.

314. You know how Ma's always fussing at me

315. for spilling ink in my writing book?

316. - Yeah.

317. - Well, he showed me one of his books and, Uncle Jed,

318. it's the biggest mess of ink blots you ever saw.

319. - Doggy, Pearl, you're prettier than sun up

320. on a Monday morning.

321. - Ma, that dress shines like a new tin can.

322. - Well, I reckon that's just about the fanciest dress ever!

323. - Even the things that don't show is fancy.

324. - I got the truck waitin', Ma.

325. - Jethro, that truck's a might breezy

326. when you're wearing high society clothes

327. and someone else's hair.

328. I'm going in style today.

329. - I'll get the door, Ma.

330. (door clicking) Howdy.

331. - At your service, Mrs. Bodine.

332. - Now, this is the way to live.

333. I just hope that doctor's looking out his window

334. when I drive up.

335. Au revoir.

336. - Ain't no two ways about it,

337. when it comes to style,

338. nobody plows a deeper rut than Pearl.

339. - Mrs. Bodine, how nice to see you.

340. I'm Dr. Twombly.

341. - Bonjour, s'il vous plait, I'm sure.

342. - You obviously are a more sophisticated woman

343. than I was led to believe.

344. - Merci, n'est pas.

345. - Excuse me.

346. Now, let's step over to the couch

347. and make yourself comfortable.

348. Oh, sit down, sit down.

349. Relax.

350. Let's get acquainted.

351. - Don't you get the wrong idea

352. just because I talked French!

353. - Mrs. Bodine, you don't—

354. - You bet I don't.

355. - Here you are, Doctor.

356. And I postponed your golf date until three.

357. - Thank you.

358. - Dr. Twombly?

359. - Yes, but I'm busy right now.

360. - I'm sorry, you cannot see the doctor

361. without an appointment.

362. - I wouldn't count on that, ma'am.

363. It might be a good idea for you to leave the room.

364. - Who are you?

365. - My name is Jed Clampett,

366. blood cousin to Pearl Bodine.

367. - Oh, good. It's all right, Nurse.

368. Mr. Clampett, I'm glad to see you.

369. - For I shake your hand, maybe I better speak my peace.

370. - By all means.

371. Sit down.

372. - I'd rather stand, thanks, and I'll get right to the point.

373. Back where I come from,

374. we don't take kindly to anybody trifling

375. with our female kinfolks.

376. - But Mr. Clampett, I—

377. - I take into account that is a big city

378. and your ways are probably different than ours.

379. But my cousin Pearl tells me

380. she had no more'n said, "Howdy,"

381. and you commenced pulling her to the settee.

382. By doggies, that's dropping a rusty bucket down my well.

383. - Mr. Clampett, you don't understand.

384. I do this every day. I'm a Psychiatrist.

385. - Well, I'd try to get cured of that, if I was you.

386. Less you're liable to wind up bad hurt.

387. - Now, let me explain

388. and apologize for the mistaken impression.

389. - Well, you can come out to the house,

390. explain to Granny, and apologize to Pearl.

391. - I'd love to come to your house.

392. I want to meet every member of your family.

393. - Well, that'll be fine.

394. But keep a tight hold on your feelings.

395. I reckon cousin Pearl can look after herself,

396. but I got a daughter, Elly May,

397. and I catch you making one move in her direction,

398. you're gonna find yourself weighing

399. about three bullets heavier.

400. - Pearl, drink this sassafras tea.

401. I bolstered it up with a little mountain dew.

402. Calm ya down.

403. - Thank you, Granny.

404. - Pearl, I wish you'd wear this thing or put it away.

405. I keep thinking it's one of Elly's critters.

406. Bit a go, I tried to feed it a saucer of milk.

407. - Pearl!

408. You do something different to your hair?

409. Oh, Pearl, Jethro and me

410. brung that Dr. Twombly home here

411. so he could apologize to you.

412. - Oh! I gotta, I gotta, I gotta.

413. No mirror in here.

414. - I hope you didn't whoop 'im

415. to where he's no good for shootin'!

416. - Nobody gonna shoot nobody, Granny,

417. that's why I come in here first.

418. - You whooped him too bad, huh?

419. - Whoop him at all.

420. - How come?

421. - Poor fella's so sickly,

422. he gotta have a nurse handy all the time.

423. Jethro! Bring him on in here!

424. Dr. Twombly, this here's Granny.

425. - I'm pleased to meet you, Granny.

426. - He don't look too sickly to whoop.

427. - You want me to whoop him, Granny?

428. - You go look for some chores.

429. - What, for instance?

430. - Put some air in the truck tire.

431. - They won't hold no more air, Uncle Jed.

432. - Well then, let some out and then put some in.

433. - I never get to do anything I wanna do.

434. Somebody is always saying, "Do this, do that.

435. "Put air in, take air out."

436. I don't know!

437. - Granny, where's Elly?

438. - She's out back running her new jaguar around the yard.

439. - Well, I'll go fetch 'er.

440. I reckon you'll be safe with him.

441. - Sit down, Doctor.

442. - Thank you.

443. - So, you call yourself a doctor, do ya?

444. - Well, I do hold several degrees.

445. - All right, Doctor.

446. How do you cure warts?

447. - Warts? - Yeah, warts.

448. - Well, dermatology isn't my field

449. but I assume electro-desiccation

450. is still the preferred method.

451. Oh, is there a newer method?

452. - Stump water and lye mixed with ground up crawdad tails,

453. dobbed on with the leg bone of a buzzard

454. just before the moon comes up.

455. Think you can remember that?

456. - Well, I'll try.

457. - Hmm, hmm.

458. How do you cure quinsy?

459. - Quinsy? Tonsillitis.

460. - No, that wouldn't cure it.

461. - Inflammation of the pharyngeal area.

462. - I don't care whatcha call it,

463. that wouldn't cure quinsy.

464. Quick, what kind of poultice for rising in the ear?

465. - Poultice?

466. - What's aciphidity fer?

467. - Well, ah, ah.

468. - How would you cure the vapors?

469. - I— - What about the drowsys,

470. achin' joints, stone bruises, corns,

471. dander, twinges, and proud flesh?

472. - These things are outside my field.

473. - A doctor goes where he's needed,

474. he don't just stay on his own land.

475. - Now, you sit right back down.

476. Remember what I told you?

477. Elly May, this here is Dr. Twombly.

478. - Howdy. - How do you do?

479. Are you the young lady with a new jaguar?

480. - I sure am. You wanna see it?

481. - Well, yes, I'm an enthusiast myself.

482. Is it in the garage?

483. - No, out in the yard. Come on.

484. - Now, you set right there.

485. Elly May, bring it in the house.

486. - A jaguar in the house?

487. - Is it all right, Pa?

488. - Yeah, as long as you don't take it upstairs again.

489. - Bonjour again, Doctor.

490. - Oh, Mrs. Bodine.

491. I am so sorry my actions in the office were misconstrued.

492. - They was downright forward

493. but if you wanna court me proper,

494. you can come into the parlor.

495. - Uncle Jed, lookee here.

496. - How'd that happen?

497. - Well, I was blowing air into it like this here.

498. When all of a sudden, pow!

499. - Jethro, I told you and I told you. Use the pump.

500. You always bust the tires when you blow 'em up by mouth.

501. - Okay, Ma.

502. Hey, is he gonna be my new daddy?

503. - Me? (audience laughing)

504. - I reckon that's up to him, Jethro.

505. We do have a nice parlor for proper courtin'.

506. - Watch out, Pearl! Here comes Elly and her jaguar.

507. - Well, goodbye folks, it's been weird.

508. - Doctor, wait! We gotta big couch in the parlor.

509. - Yes, I suggest you get on it, all of you.

510. I'll send someone over.

511. - Well, of all the!

512. He run out on me. Oh!

513. - Ma, you want me to catch him and towed him back?

514. - Let him go. Let him go.

515. - But, Granny, it might be my only chance

516. to get a Beverly Hills doctor.

517. - Doctor, my foot.

518. Unless Elly brings home a six-foot duck,

519. you ain't never gonna run into a bigger quack.