The Beverly Hillbillies 1x32

1. - The Beverly Hillbillies

2. - Wonder how much money do I ought to draw out

3. - Don't forget I need school supplies

4. - And I need vittles for my critters.

5. - And I need vittles for you critters.

6. - I reckon might as well draw out enough money

7. to last us a month or two.

8. Reckon ten dollars will do it.

9. - Jed,

10. I never could sleep a wink

11. with all that money in the house.

12. - I told you not to drive

13. with that hangover.

14. - Anybody hurt?

15. - I don't think so.

16. - Well, no harm done, huh, kid?

17. - No, not to your car,

18. but you kinda bent our bumper.

19. I reckon I can straighten it out, though.

20. - Atta boy.

21. You going in the bank, old timer?

22. - Yes sir, I was planning to.

23. - Well, come with me, they know me here.

24. Maybe I can do you some good.

25. - I hope you'll forgive my stupid husband.

26. Had a bad day yesterday with the nags

27. and he got stoned last night,

28. so now he's gotta borrow some money

29. to pay off his bookie.

30. - What's a bookie?

31. A little rat called

32. Sam the Collector.

33. - Oh, if Jim could only stay away from the horses.

34. - Your husband likes horses, does he?

35. - Loves them.

36. Especially losers.

37. - Jed says a man who likes animals can't be all bad.

38. - Here comes Uncle Jed, Granny.

39. - Well, let's be on our way.

40. Bye, ma'am.

41. glad there was no harm done.

42. - Yes, so am I.

43. - Bye.

44. What happened to you,

45. fall down in there?

46. - Shut up and act hurt.

47. That old geezer's worth $35 million.

48. - What?

49. - Faint!

50. We'll sue him for a bundle.

51. - Case of Johnson versus Clampett.

52. Are the plaintiffs ready?

53. - We are, Your Honor.

54. - Are the defendants ready?

55. Mr. Clampett?

56. - Yes, sir?

57. - Please rise when addressing the court.

58. - Yes, sir, your courtship.

59. - Say Your Honor.

60. - Oh, just call me Jed.

61. - Mr. Clampett, let me warn you

62. that any attempt at humor

63. will be dealt with severely.

64. You're being sued for $100,000.

65. Do you consider that funny?

66. - No, sir.

67. - Very well.

68. Are you represented by counsel?

69. - Am I what, by who?

70. - Do you have an attorney?

71. A lawyer?

72. - Oh, no, sir.

73. - I see.

74. You're appearing in pro per?

75. Do you any objections?

76. - No, Your Honor.

77. - If there are no objection,

78. I will permit your defense.

79. - Thank you, sir.

80. - Wait for the plaintiffs,

81. who will make his opening statement.

82. - Thank you, Your Honor.

83. Although my clients, the Johnsons,

84. are really in no condition to appear today,

85. I have persuaded them to come to court

86. so that Your Honor can see the carnage

87. reeked by this criminally careless

88. family of hoodlums.

89. - Oh, excuse me, young fellow,

90. but our name ain't hoodlum, it's Clampett.

91. That is all except Granny.

92. She's a Moses,

93. and Jethro, he's a Bodine.

94. He's my cousin Pearl's boy.

95. Pearl's back home right now with Jethrine,

96. his sister, trying to get her married.

97. She's 18 and still single.

98. - That is enough.

99. - That's the way my cousin Pearl feels.

100. A girl passes 18 and her

101. chances of getting a husband are...

102. - Mr. Clampett, will you please be quiet.

103. Now, I'm going to excuse this outburst

104. because apparently,

105. you're unfamiliar with court procedure.

106. However,

107. one more infraction,

108. and I will hold you in contempt.

109. You be seated.

110. Proceed, counselor.

111. - As I was saying, Your Honor,

112. I have prevailed upon my clients to appear today,

113. although at the cost of

114. great personal suffering to themselves.

115. Bailiff, if you please.

116. - Is them the people that run into us?

117. - It sure is.

118. What do you reckon happened to them?

119. - Something terrible by the looks of them.

120. - Let's go see can we comfort them.

121. - Your Honor, protect my clients

122. from these ruffians.

123. - You got a terrible memory for names.

124. We is Clampetts except for Granny and Jethro.

125. - Mr. Clampett,

126. I declare you in contempt of this court.

127. And I'm going to give you a fine of $100.

128. - Well, thank you,

129. but I didn't do nothing to earn no hundred dollars.

130. - The fine of $100 is suspended.

131. Now please, take your seats.

132. - Jed,

133. where's the hundred dollars he promised you?

134. - Didn't you hear him, Granny?

135. The judge spended it.

136. - What right's he got spending your hundred dollars?

137. (audience laughs) - Order!

138. Order in this court.

139. The attorney for the plaintiffs will proceed.

140. - Your Honor,

141. the maimed and broken bodies of my clients speak

142. more eloquently than any words of mine

143. in condemning the criminal actions

144. of this lawless family.

145. - What he call us that time?

146. - Lawless.

147. - I know a family named Lawless.

148. Awful nice folks.

149. Raised pigs.

150. - We will prove, Your Honor,

151. that on the day and date set forth in the complaint,

152. said defendants did willfully and maliciously

153. crash into the plaintiffs car.

154. Inflicting upon the bodies of the plaintiffs

155. numerous and grievous injuries,

156. for which we ask the court

157. to award damages in the amount of $100,000

158. to said (Mr. Johnson coughs)

159. plaintiffs.

160. - He can't even remember the Johnsons.

161. He keeps calling them the plaintiffs.

162. - Ain't no two ways about it,

163. when it comes to recollecting names,

164. that young fellow's pitiful.

165. - I want you to tell the court in your own words,

166. exactly what happened.

167. - Well, Mrs. Johnson and I

168. had just driven up to the bank

169. where I hoped to borrow some money

170. for my favorite charity,

171. The Horse Lovers of America.

172. And although we've been married for 20 years,

173. Mrs. Johnson and I are still

174. very affectionate.

175. - Proceed with your testimony, Mr. Johnson.

176. - Well,

177. being affectionate as we are,

178. we sat in the car for a few moments

179. to speak of our love.

180. - I love you, Jim Johnson.

181. - I love you, Mabel.

182. - What other man would borrow the money

183. to help those poor old horses

184. on their way to the glue factory?

185. - I do what my heart

186. tells me, darling. (whistling noises)

187. Mabel!

188. - What is it, angel?

189. There's an old truck careening

190. down the street out of control!

191. - Oh, Jim!

192. He's heading straight for us!

193. - Well, have no fear,

194. I'll protect you, darling.

195. And that's the last I remember, Your Honor.

196. Those monsters crashing into us

197. in an alcoholic stupor!

198. - Your Honor, please.

199. - Court is recessed for ten minutes.

200. - Who you reckon smacked into them people like that?

201. - I don't know.

202. But they was driving something called a stupor.

203. - What do we drive, Jethro?

204. - I ain't sure, but I

205. I think it's called a Stutz.

206. - Too bad we wasn't there,

207. we could've helped them.

208. - Excuse me, mister.

209. How do you get to the playground?

210. - Playground?

211. - Oh, yes, sir.

212. He just called recess.

213. - For my poor Jim's sake,

214. I was glad he was unconscious

215. so that he didn't have to see

216. the worst part.

217. - Would you describe

218. what you mean by the worst part?

219. - Well, you see,

220. the impact threw my husband out of the car.

221. There he lay on the street,

222. broken and bruised.

223. My precious darling.

224. Did those insensitive beasts care?

225. No!

226. They actually seemed happy about it.

227. - Let's back up and hit them again.

228. Yeah, that one about knocked him

229. five feet in the air.

230. - Why don't you learn how

231. to stay out of peoples' way?

232. - You brutes,

233. look what you've done to my husband!

234. - I'll bring him around.

235. If this don't bring him around, he's dead.

236. - My poor husband.

237. Those precious lips had never before

238. touched alcohol.

239. - Your Honor, uh, please, sir?

240. Mr. Judge?

241. - Yes, Mr. Clampett?

242. Do you wish to question Mrs. Johnson?

243. - Oh, no sir,

244. that poor woman's been through terrible enough.

245. I just want to say that

246. me and my family here is right good at

247. tracking and trailing and hunting.

248. And we'd be right pleasured

249. if you'd let us go out and hunt down them rascals

250. that was so mean to the Johnsons.

251. - Mr. Clampett, do you expect the court to

252. take those remarks seriously?

253. - Well, I reckon I did brag a little too strong on us,

254. but if we can't catch them,

255. we got a hound dog, name of Ol' Duke.

256. He can follow a trail a month old.

257. - That's a fact, he can.

258. Why, you just give Ol' Duke the scent

259. and he'll... - Quiet!

260. Is it possible that you people

261. don't realize that you are the accused?

262. - What do you mean?

263. - You are the folks

264. who caused these injuries to the Johnsons.

265. - Us?

266. - Who says so?

267. - They do!

268. - That's a dag blame lie.

269. - We wasn't even there!

270. - Bailiff, restrain these people.

271. - What do you mean restrain? (multiple people shouting)

272. - You want to fight? (multiple people shouting)

273. - You put me down! (multiple people shouting)

274. - Order!

275. Order!

276. - If you ask me,

277. this is a heck of a place to spend recess.

278. - Yeah.

279. That fellow said he'd put us in here to cool off.

280. It's hotter in here than it is in there.

281. Well, there's one good thing,

282. he's gonna give each one of us a hundred dollars.

283. - A fine. (audience laughs)

284. - That's what I say.

285. Fine and dandy.

286. Jed,

287. you look like you're counting hairs on a hog's back.

288. What you studying on?

289. - I'm studying on this whole situation, Granny.

290. Why would the Johnsons haul off

291. and say we done something that we didn't?

292. - Well maybe they is fibbing to get the money.

293. - Maybe they is hatched.

294. - I agree with Elly.

295. Way I got it figured,

296. that accident they had knocked their memories loose.

297. - Might could have.

298. The way they is bandaged up,

299. they must've took some awful hard knocks.

300. - Granny,

301. supposing you make some poultices for the Johnsons.

302. Then that'll draw the hurt out of their heads,

303. then they'll be able to remember

304. what smashed into them.

305. - I'll do it, Jed.

306. And I'll whomp up a great big dose of retch weed tonic.

307. There ain't nothing like retch weed

308. to get you thinking straight.

309. - All right, folks.

310. Judge adjourned court till after lunch.

311. And then he wants you all back

312. in that courtroom

313. on your very best behavior.

314. He said he'd suspend your hundred dollar fines.

315. - There he goes,

316. spending our money again.

317. - We're gonna ask the court

318. for a judgment by default.

319. Those hillbillies aren't coming back.

320. They've probably left town.

321. - Hope we didn't keep you folks waiting.

322. We hurried the best we could.

323. Didn't even stop to eat.

324. - It's a for piece over at our place.

325. - And Granny had a lot of fixing to do.

326. - And you're gonna feel a heap difference

327. when I get done with you.

328. - How dare you threaten my clients.

329. Bailiff!

330. - Quiet down, little man.

331. Ain't nobody threatening nobody.

332. - They're back, Your Honor.

333. - All rise.

334. - You can uncover the grits,

335. but keep the lid on the baked possum.

336. - How about the chitlins?

337. - They is just as good cold.

338. - They sure is, Granny.

339. - Smells good, don't it, Judge?

340. We'd be right pleasured to have you join us.

341. Everybody, we got plenty.

342. - Thank you.

343. That is very nice of you.

344. - Oh, not at all.

345. - You realize how long you kept this court waiting?

346. - Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Judge,

347. but we done the best we could.

348. Granny was working like a whirlwind.

349. Baking possum,

350. cooking grits,

351. making tonic and

352. fixing poultices.

353. - I am not interested in what Granny has been doing.

354. - I wouldn't rile her up if I was you, Judge.

355. Not on a empty stomach.

356. Granny gets right ornery

357. when she ain't eat all day.

358. - I am also not interested in

359. her dietary idiosyncrasies.

360. Bailiff, remove that food from this courtroom.

361. - Hold on.

362. We is hungry.

363. - That's your own fault, being late.

364. - I wouldn't say too much about

365. being late if I was you.

366. This is the second time today

367. you've come in here in your nightgown.

368. - Uh, tell me, Jethro.

369. Do you like to drive that old truck?

370. - Oh, yes, sir.

371. - Do you like to drive fast?

372. - Oh, yes, sir, but I'm always...

373. - Just answer the question, yes or no.

374. And tell the truth.

375. Now, do you like to drive fast?

376. - Uh, yes, sir.

377. - Were you driving fast the day

378. you crashed into the Johnsons' car?

379. - Oh, no, sir.

380. - Were you driving slowly when you crashed into their car?

381. - No, sir, but I'm always - That's all, thank you.

382. But I'm always... - Step down, please.

383. Next witness.

384. Granny, I understand

385. that you make very good moonshine whiskey.

386. - I call it my rheumatism medicine.

387. - I see.

388. But it is quite potent,

389. quite strong?

390. - Well,

391. you don't want to stand too close to a fire

392. when you uncork it.

393. - Yes, well, uh, now then, Granny.

394. Do you sometimes carry a jug

395. of this rheumatism medicine around with you?

396. Take it on trips, say?

397. - Only when I get my twinges.

398. - Well, were you having twinges

399. the day you and your family

400. crashed into the Johnsons?

401. - No. And we didn't...

402. - That's all. Thank you.

403. Now then, Elly May.

404. When the old truck here

405. crashed into the Johnsons' car,

406. would you show me just

407. where you were sitting?

408. - Well, I was sitting right there.

409. But we didn't...

410. - That's all.

411. Thank you.

412. Mr. Clampett,

413. how many guns do you have in your home?

414. - Well, there's Granny's shotgun,

415. Jethro's lever action,

416. my pistol, my squirrel rifle...

417. - You needn't go on, Mr. Clampett.

418. That's quite an arsenal you have.

419. - Thank you.

420. - You're used to carrying a gun, aren't you?

421. - I been toting a squirrel rifle

422. since I was knee high to a jackrabbit.

423. - And I understand you're quite a good shot.

424. - Back where I come from,

425. if you didn't shoot good, you didn't eat.

426. - I see, you shot only for food.

427. - Yes, sir.

428. - And you were very poor.

429. - Yes, sir.

430. - And then oil was discovered on your land

431. and you became very, very wealthy

432. and moved to Beverly Hills.

433. - Yes, sir.

434. - But isn't it a fact, Mr. Clampett,

435. that in spite of all your millions,

436. you are still frequently seen

437. carrying a gun?

438. - Yes, sir, you see...

439. - Just answer the question, yes or no.

440. Do you, to this day,

441. frequently carry a gun?

442. - Yes, sir.

443. Were you carrying a gun

444. the day you and your family

445. crashed into the Johnsons?

446. - No, sir, and we didn't crash...

447. - That's all.

448. Thank you.

449. Step down.

450. - No, sir.

451. - What do you mean, No, sir?

452. - That ain't all and I ain't stepping down.

453. Not till I've said a few things.

454. - Your Honor, I object.

455. - Now, Counselor,

456. I have been very lenient

457. with your conduct of this case,

458. just as I have been very

459. lenient with the conduct of the defendants.

460. However, since Mr. Clampett here is the defendant,

461. and will bear the financial burden

462. if judgment is against him,

463. the court wishes to hear anything

464. that is relevant and pertinent to this case.

465. - Yes, Your Honor.

466. - Now, Mr. Clampett.

467. Let us hear what you have to say.

468. - Thank you.

469. Well, to begin with,

470. there ain't nobody told the real story

471. about what happened the day

472. the Johnsons backed into us.

473. - I object, Your Honor!

474. There has not been one shred of evidence or testimony

475. supporting the allegations that my clients

476. backed into the defendants.

477. - That is very true, Counselor.

478. Perhaps now we might have it.

479. In the mean time, (audience laughs)

480. you be seated.

481. - Yes, Your Honor.

482. - Now, you may proceed, Mr. Clampett,

483. realizing, of course,

484. that you're still under oath

485. to tell the truth.

486. - Well, Your Honor, I learned how to tell

487. the truth so long ago, I reckon it's become a habit.

488. And what with making a promise on the good book,

489. I'm gonna be extra careful.

490. - Proceed.

491. - Well,

492. me and my family drove down to the bank.

493. And then we drove on home

494. and that was the last we seen of the Johnsons

495. till somebody come to the house

496. and told us to come down here to the court room.

497. - You may cross examine.

498. - Well, that's quite a story you told, Mr. Clampett.

499. Very simple and very sweet.

500. - Just the truth, like I promised.

501. - You're innocent of all these

502. charges against you, aren't you?

503. You've nothing to hide?

504. - That's right.

505. - Then why, Mr. Clampett,

506. did you not answer the summons

507. and complaints served upon you by the county marshal?

508. - Summons and complaint?

509. - That is right.

510. Complaint.

511. This is a complaint, Mr. Clampett.

512. In fact, it's a copy of the

513. one delivered into your hands.

514. - Is that a complaint?

515. - It is.

516. Why didn't you answer it?

517. - Would you mind reading that first line there?

518. - The people of the state of California

519. send greetings to J.D. Clampett.

520. - That just didn't seem like no complaint to us.

521. - And as for answering it, well,

522. Jethro says there's pert near

523. 18 million people in California.

524. We just couldn't hardly see how

525. we could get around to greeting them all back.

526. - Any further questions?

527. - Not right now, Your Honor.

528. - The court will recess for 30 minutes,

529. after which we'll hear final arguments.

530. - Uh, Mrs. Johnson,

531. I'd like to have a little conference

532. with you and your husband

533. before court resumes.

534. Do you know where he is?

535. - Probably out calling his bookie,

536. uh, doctor. (audience laughs)

537. Dr. Bookman.

538. - Another thing,

539. you told me your husband was a teetotaler.

540. After lunch today,

541. I thought I smelled liquor on his breath.

542. - That's his medicine for pain.

543. - But, Mrs. Johnson,

544. are you sure you and your husband

545. are telling me the complete truth about this case?

546. - What do you mean?

547. Are you siding with that millionaire

548. against us poor, crippled people?

549. Bodies all aching and racked with pain?

550. - No, no, it's just that

551. Mr. Clampett's story

552. was very convincing.

553. And there were no witnesses to the accident.

554. - You told me we didn't need any witnesses.

555. You said because they didn't answer the complaint,

556. we didn't have to bring in any witnesses.

557. But you mean you, uh,

558. could have brought in witnesses?

559. - All you want.

560. - All rise.

561. - Counselor for the plaintiffs

562. ready for his final summation?

563. - Uh, yes, yes, Your Honor.

564. - Uh, Your Honor, sir, uh, Mr. Judge,

565. could I say something that might save us all

566. a lot of time?

567. - You any objections?

568. - No, no, Your Honor.

569. - Proceed, Mr. Clampett.

570. - Uh, well, sir, uh,

571. if it's all right with you,

572. I'd like to go ahead and,

573. give that hundred thousand dollars to the Johnsons.

574. - Do you admit the claims

575. made by the Johnsons?

576. - Well, no, sir, I don't.

577. But, uh, he deserves the money,

578. and I can afford to give it to him,

579. more if he needs it.

580. - Would you mind telling the court

581. why you think he deserves it?

582. Well, Your Honor,

583. I got a daughter here, Elly May,

584. and I reckon she means more to me

585. than just about anything in the world.

586. And during the recess,

587. when, uh, I seen Mr. Johnson with his daughter,

588. and seeing how much he loved her,

589. just like I do Elly May,

590. well, it kinda tore at my heart.

591. - What daughter?

592. - Shut up.

593. - So there he was in his wheelchair

594. in that little room across the hall,

595. and in walked this beautiful girl

596. with long red hair,

597. and I knowed right away she was his daughter

598. cause she walked up to him and she says,

599. How's it going, Daddy?

600. Judge, Your Honor,

601. with no nurse to help him,

602. that brave man got to his feet

603. and stood there straight and tall

604. so she wouldn't see he was suffering.

605. And he hugged her and he kissed her

606. and right then

607. is where I found out she was a heap

608. like my daughter.

609. Fond of critters,

610. cause he said, Marcia, darling,

611. when I get this hundred thousand,

612. I'm gonna take you to Mexico

613. and we're gonna watch the ponies run.

614. - So, you've taken up

615. with that redhead. - Mabel, Mabel, Mabel!

616. - Mabel, Mabel, Mabel!

617. - Your Honor, these developments

618. surprise me as they did you.

619. I ask to be relieved from the case at once.

620. - Request granted.

621. This court finds for the defendants.

622. Bailiff, bring those plaintiffs

623. back into this court immediately.

624. They're to be held for perjury.