The Beverly Hillbillies 1x3

1. - The Beverly Hillbillies.

2. - Well, Jethro, what do you got to say about that?

3. - I didn't bust it, honest.

4. - He's telling the truth, Mr. Drysdale.

5. It was hanging in pieces like that when we moved in.

6. - Yes, sir.

7. - No, it's supposed to be like that.

8. It was made that way.

9. It's been like that for 200 years.

10. - 200 years?

11. - Hey, this house is older than it looks.

12. - Jethro?

13. - Oh, I plum forgot. Granny wants to see you, skedaddle.

14. - All right, uncle Jed.

15. - Nice boy.

16. To think his ma, my cousin Pearl, give me the notion

17. to move out here.

18. - Well, I'm most grateful to her.

19. Oh, but first I wanted to explain

20. about this priceless crystal chandelier.

21. It was designed and made for the Louis The xv,

22. hung in the hall of mirrors at Versailles.

23. Napoleon Bonaparte planned campaigns

24. by the light of that chandelier,

25. Talleyrand used it,

26. Wellington,

27. Disraeli,

28. Bismarck,

29. Wilson.

30. - Mr. Drysdale, we're just plain folk,

31. we don't mind a few things being second hand.

32. Getting back to my cousin Pearl,

33. she's looking after the old home place for me.

34. You ain't never seen my family home, have you?

35. - No, I haven't, Mr. Clampett.

36. - It's a dandy.

37. - Yes, those southern mansions are beautiful.

38. I suppose it has the large white pillars?

39. - It did, but we bring them along

40. and put them on the beds out here.

41. - No, you see, I was referring to wooden pillars.

42. - Oh, ain't never slept on one of them,

43. we had everything first class back home.

44. Sure hope Pearl's taking good care of that place.

45. - Well, hello there.

46. - Oh, wow you're Mr. Brewster from the oil company

47. that paid cousin Jed all that money for his swamp.

48. - (laughs) 25 million to be exact.

49. - You ain't here to back out, are you?

50. - Oh, no indeed.

51. Your cousin's money is safe in the bank in California.

52. I just thought you'd like to know that I heard from the bank

53. and your family arrived in Beverly Hills safe and sound.

54. - Oh, that is good news.

55. My son Jethro drove them out, you know.

56. - Yes, I know he did.

57. Oh, I have something here from the bank

58. I think you'll enjoy it.

59. - For me?

60. - They told me at your house I'd find you here.

61. - Well, I promised cousin Jed I'd keep an eye on the

62. It's a long trip from my house,

63. but I'm glad to do it for Jed.

64. - That's nice of you.

65. - Yeah, well, you know,

66. can I help you look for that money?

67. - Oh, it's not money, it's pictures of the estate

68. that Mr. Drysdale as president of the bank

69. purchased for him in Beverly Hills.

70. - Oh.

71. - This is now the Jed Clampett estate.

72. - Land to mercy, look at that.

73. Why it's bigger than the state capitol.

74. - Quite a change from this place all right.

75. - What in the world is that?

76. - Oh, that's the swimming pool.

77. - Swimming pool?

78. - Yeah, it's quite ornate.

79. - Oh, my son Jethro's going to like that.

80. - Granny, when we's done washing,

81. can I go swimming here in the cement pond?

82. - Course not, I don't allow nobody

83. to splash around in my wash water.

84. - Ain't there no place else you can wash?

85. - The cement pond's the only water we got.

86. The place ain't got a well, it ain't got a creek,

87. ain't even got a rain barrel to catch

88. what comes out of the sky.

89. - Well, when that banker fella seen me

90. unloading your washtub and scrubbing board,

91. he said "Why you can throw that away,

92. we don't use them things here in Beverly Hills."

93. - Now you listen here to me, boy.

94. I don't care how other folks live in Beverly Hills,

95. but us Clampetts is going to be clean.

96. - Yes, ma'am.

97. - May not have it as nice as we had it back

98. home in the cabin, pump right in the house and everything,

99. but we ain't gonna lower our standards.

100. - No, ma'am.

101. - Here, rinse these things out for me.

102. We gotta get this tub back to the kitchen for Elly's bath.

103. Yep,

104. being clean is a strict rule of your uncle Jed.

105. Let me look you over.

106. Many the time we've been down to our last piece of fat back.

107. I'd say, "Should I cook it to eat it

108. or shall I render it down for soap?"

109. He'd say, "No, render it down for soap, granny.

110. The lord will feed us poor folks,

111. but we got to do our own washing."

112. - But uncle Jed ain't poor now, granny.

113. He got 25 million dollars.

114. - How long do you think that's going to last

115. if we go throwing it away on store bought soap?

116. Waste not, want not.

117. - Now here's the view of the entrance hall.

118. - My stars and garden, why it's a palace.

119. Who ever would of thought that my cousin Jed

120. would be living in an estate like this?

121. - Well the credit is yours.

122. You're the one who talked him into moving.

123. - Oh, well, I put the notion in his head,

124. but it was really kind of Elly May he went.

125. - Yes, his daughter will have a wonderful life

126. as a Beverly Hills debutante.

127. Can't you just see that beautiful girl

128. descending this magnificent stairway?

129. - I sure can.

130. - Elly May, I don't reckon that's the way a young lady

131. comes down the steps in Beverly Hills.

132. Is it, Mr. Drysdale?

133. - Well, not as a rule, no.

134. - Oh, I can come down the other way watch this.

135. How's that?

136. - Well, that's not exactly what i had in mind.

137. - Well, show me.

138. - No, my secretary will show you.

139. Oh, she's in town doing some shopping for you.

140. - Oh, what's she getting me?

141. - Well, now that's going to be a surprise, Elly,

142. but it's some things you'd been a needing

143. and they're gonna be pretty and you're gonna like them.

144. - Things I'd been a needing?

145. A set of muskrat traps?

146. A three blade frog-sticker? - No.

147. - A ready made sling shot?

148. - No, Elly, you're way off the track.

149. Now you wait till Miss Hathaway gets here and you'll see.

150. - Yes, well, I'll be pushing along to the bank.

151. Now don't you worry about your daughter, Mr. Clampett.

152. When my secretary gets through with her,

153. you'll think she's been to be finishing school.

154. Sure wish my cousin Pearl was out here fixing Elly up.

155. She's a wiz at fancy sewing.

156. - Oh, is she a dress maker?

157. - That woman can make anything.

158. Why she can pick up a hand full of straw

159. and before you know it she's made a hat.

160. - Well, that's remarkable, so she's a milliner?

161. - No, she's a Clampett.

162. She married a Bodine, I don't recall knowing the milliners.

163. - Milliners are women who make hats.

164. - That's Pearl all right, but she's a Clampett.

165. When you talk about making hats, Pearl made herself

166. a hat one time was shaped just

167. like a birds nest and in there on the nest

168. was this blue jay, a sitting on her eggs.

169. Well sir, they come from everywhere to see that hat,

170. to study it, to see how Pearl made it,

171. so as they could copy it.

172. Boy, there was dozens of them from all around.

173. - Hat designers?

174. - No, blue jays.

175. Never did catch on to good with people.

176. For a while there, Pearl couldn't hardly

177. go out of the house without a bunch of blue jays

178. taking out after her.

179. Sure wish she was out here.

180. She'd have Elly slick as a picture in a catalog.

181. Yep, I ought to be out there in Beverly Hills

182. helping cousin Jed.

183. - Well, he certainly has plenty of room for you.

184. This mansion of his has 32 rooms and 14 baths.

185. - 14 bathrooms? - Yes.

186. - A sunken marble bathtub.

187. I can just see Elly May having herself

188. a bubble bath in there.

189. I tell you, Mr. Brewster, the more I see of these pictures,

190. the more I want to get out there and help cousin Jed.

191. Of course I wouldn't go without being asked.

192. - Well, naturally.

193. But, you know, I think you should go.

194. - I've been asked.

195. - Well, now it's not exactly my province.

196. I mean, well, why don't you telephone your cousin

197. and talk to him?

198. - Oh, why there ain't a telephone

199. within 40 miles of this place.

200. Nearest one I guess is at the International Emporium

201. clean over to Oxford.

202. - Well, I'll be happy to drive you over there.

203. - Oh, I couldn't let you drive me all that way

204. just to use the telephone,

205. busy oil company man like you,

206. that's 40 miles.

207. - It's no trip at all in this car.

208. - No, I couldn't do it.

209. Why, folks would see me riding in this big shiny car

210. with a tall good looking city fella.

211. Why sure as the world they'd think that, let's go.

212. - Well, what about your horse and buggy?

213. - Oh, just untie Betsy, she'll go on home.

214. - Well, Betsy's headed for home all right.

215. Mrs. Bodine, how long has your buggy been hitched there?

216. - About an hour why?

217. - Why a blue jay built her nest on the seat

218. and she was seating on her eggs.

219. - Oh shoot, I wanted to wear that.

220. - And here's Miss Hathaway.

221. - El Capitaine, (speaking french)

222. - Fine, ready for Elly May?

223. - Gentleman, aided and abetted by the gossamer garments,

224. exotic lotions and other feminine appurtenances

225. within these cartons,

226. I'm ready to assume the role of Pygmalion

227. and transform that barefoot galatea

228. into a striking and sophisticated paragon

229. of Beverly Hills Lu Couture.

230. - That's yes the hard way.

231. - Well, duty calls.

232. I leave you in capable hands.

233. Goodbye, Mr. Clampett.

234. - Thank you, sir.

235. - Chief.

236. - Well, that sure is neighborly of you, Miss Hathaway.

237. You reckon you can handle Elly May?

238. - Uncle Jed, granny says...

239. Oh, howdy Miss Hathaway.

240. - Oh, bonjour Jethro.

241. - Carry them things in for Miss Hathaway, Jethro.

242. I think she kinds of likes you, boy.

243. - She does?

244. Well, I can't take them into the house.

245. That's what I come out here to tell you.

246. Granny says that all the men folks

247. got to stay out of the house while Elly May's

248. taking her bath.

249. - Oh.

250. - But isn't Elly May bathing in the privacy

251. of her own bedroom suite?

252. - Hear what she call you? Sweet.

253. - What's the matter with him, why doesn't he answer?

254. - Well, he's just a little shy I reckon.

255. Ask him again.

256. - Is Elly May in her bedroom suite?

257. - No she ain't, darling.

258. - Fine, I'll find her myself.

259. - Uncle Jed, I got me a girl.

260. - You sure have, boy, and a city girl too.

261. - Yahoo.

262. - It's them city girls I worry about.

263. Jethro's such a good looking boy.

264. Every girl in the 5th grade was after him.

265. - I hardly think anything serious can develop

266. between boys and girls in the 5th grade.

267. - Oh, I don't know, so far this year

268. there's been 3 couples out of Jethro's class get married.

269. - Married, 5th graders?

270. - The parson's nearly as busy in that school as the teacher.

271. - That's amazing, I've heard of...

272. - Uh oh, wouldn't you know it?

273. There's that snoopy Elverna Bradshaw

274. and her big mouth daughter sitting on their front porch.

275. I can just hear the stories they'll start going round

276. if they see me in this car here with you.

277. Yoohoo, Elverna?

278. It's me, Pearl.

279. A terrible gossip that woman, always making trouble.

280. She tried to talk granny out of going to Californy.

281. She ought to see granny now, living like a queen

282. in that Beverly Hills mansion.

283. - I should have listened to Elverna Bradshaw

284. and stayed home, had a pump right in the house,

285. didn't have to tote water a quarter of a mile.

286. Are you ready to get rinsed off, Elly?

287. - Well not yet, granny.

288. - Should I wash my hair?

289. - No. You better wait until I can catch some rain water,

290. that pond water smells like it's got medicine in it.

291. - I wondered why there's no fish in that pond.

292. - Yeah, I reckon that water killed them fish.

293. Don't you worry, my lye soap will kill anything

294. that killed them fish.

295. - Granny, have you seen...

296. What in the world is going on here?

297. - Well, there's a bath going on, that's what's going on.

298. - Howdy.

299. - But I don't understand.

300. - Well, then somebody ought to explain it to you,

301. city woman.

302. First you heat some water,

303. then you put it in a great big tub like this,

304. you put some soap in it and then you get in it

305. and you start to wash and that's what you call a bath.

306. - But granny, you don't have to do this sort of thing

307. in Beverly Hills.

308. - Don't you listen to her, Elly.

309. Ain't you ever heard that saying that cleanliness

310. is next to godliness?

311. - But of course, John Wesley said that.

312. - Well, I bet he didn't live in Beverly Hills.

313. Here Elly, dry yourself off with this

314. nice little bath towel.

315. That's my girl.

316. I'll rinse off that old lye soap.

317. - Lye soap?

318. Did you say lye soap?

319. - That's right, I make it myself.

320. - But that will ruin this beautiful girl's delicate skin.

321. - I've been washing with it for 72 years,

322. and look at my skin.

323. - It's like leather.

324. - Yes. Nice, ain't it?

325. - Granny, I hope you will forgive my momentary bewilderment

326. at this primitive form of ablution,

327. but please let me explain.

328. - Well, first explain what you just said.

329. - Well, Elly May has a beautiful big bathtub upstairs.

330. - Upstairs?

331. It was hard enough carrying the water in here,

332. I ain't going to tote no water upstairs.

333. - You don't have to, there's a big beautiful...

334. Haven't you been upstairs?

335. - No, Jed said that probably belonged to somebody else.

336. Ain't that right, Elly?

337. - Yeah, pa said he heard tell that folks sometimes live

338. one family right on top of another.

339. - But that's only in apartment houses.

340. This entire house belongs to you

341. and each one has its own individual bedroom suite.

342. Come along and let me show you,

343. and also the lovely things I brought from town.

344. - Elly, you go ahead, I'll be up directly.

345. - What all did you bring from town?

346. - Everything, Elly.

347. Everything from chapeaus to pumps.

348. - Pumps?

349. Praise the lord, now I won't have to tote water.

350. - Jethro?

351. - Yeah, uncle Jed?

352. - Now that you're going to be keeping company with a girl,

353. is there any questions you'd like to ask me?

354. - What kind of questions?

355. - Oh, about girls.

356. How much you know about girls?

357. - They softer than boys.

358. - Yeah, I reckon, generally speaking.

359. - And they're shorter and rounder.

360. - Yeah.

361. - And their hair is longer and it smells sweet

362. when you snuggles up to it.

363. - Oh, so you've been doing some snuggling, have you?

364. - I've done more than that.

365. - I reckon you better tell me about it, who was she?

366. - Prettiest girl in the hills, Big Mouth Bradshaw.

367. - Elverna's girl.

368. I hear tell she's kind of fast?

369. - Is she ever?

370. Uncle Jed,

371. I was walking past the cabin

372. and big mouth, she calls out the window to me.

373. She says, "Howdy, Jethro."

374. she says, "My ma has just made a big batch of cookies,

375. come on in and have some."

376. and I says, "Sure your ma won't mind?"

377. and she says, "Ma is gone, and so is pa,

378. "I'm here all alone."

379. Well, uncle Jed,

380. I was in that house before you could wink an eye.

381. - Can't say as i blame you.

382. - No sooner was I inside, then Big Mouth,

383. she puts a music record on the phonograph machine

384. and commences to sashaying around and twisting and turning.

385. - Dancing?

386. - Yeah, I reckon so.

387. Anyway, she says,

388. "Put your arms around me, Jethro,

389. "and I'll teach you the two step".

390. - What'd you say?

391. - I says, "listen Big Mouth,"

392. I says,

393. "Here we are all alone, your ma and your pa gone,

394. "and you think that I'm gonna waste my time dancing?"

395. I says, "Not me sister, bring on them cookies."

396. - What'd she say?

397. - Well...

398. - Jed, you and Jethro can start digging the well.

399. That city woman brought us some pumps.

400. - That's fine, granny, we'll get right to it.

401. What did that Bradshaw girl say when you said

402. bring on them cookies?

403. - Well, she just held up them cookies like this here

404. and kind of blinked her eyes at me

405. and said, "Jethro, which do you think would taste sweeter,

406. these here cookies or my lips?"

407. Well, uncle Jed, right then and there is when I found

408. out she was fast.

409. - I grabbed them two cookies

410. and it took me two miles to out run that gal.

411. - Jethro,

412. come one of these days,

413. you and me has gotta have a long talk.

414. - Oh yes, he's a lady killer, that boy of mine.

415. Why, Elverna Bradshaw's daughter chased him

416. all the way home one day.

417. - Sounds like Jethro has a lot of charm and sex appeal.

418. - Oh, he has.

419. It's funny how a daughter can take after her father

420. and a boy can favor his mother.

421. - Yes.

422. - Yes,

423. I ought to be out there looking after Jethro.

424. You know Jed's going to need him to help garden

425. a place this big.

426. - Well, most Beverly Hills mansions have regular gardeners

427. and of course a complete sprinkling system.

428. - Sprinkling system?

429. - Oh yes, indeed.

430. That entire lawn is criss crossed with underground pipes.

431. - Land to mercy.

432. - By thunder, Jethro, there's water all over this property.

433. Ain't to deep neither.

434. - I know.

435. Should I commence to digging?

436. - Well now, let's get as close to the house as we can,

437. that way the pump won't have so far to pull.

438. - Mr. Clampett, Jethro?

439. - Uh oh, here's comes your sweetheart.

440. - Mr. Clampett, I cannot handle that daughter of yours.

441. - What happened?

442. - I opened that box of beautiful clothes,

443. turned my back for a moment,

444. and she bolted like a wild colt.

445. - I was afeard this would happen, where is she?

446. - She's up there.

447. - I'll go right up and talk to her.

448. - Jethro, have you been upstairs yet?

449. - No, ma'am.

450. - Then you've got a surprise coming to you.

451. - What is it?

452. - Your suite.

453. - So are you.

454. - Elly May!

455. - Oh, howdy, pa.

456. - Elly,

457. I'm ashamed of you,

458. running off from Miss Hathaway.

459. - I didn't run away from Miss Hathaway.

460. - What did you climb up here for?

461. - To cut a fork for that new store bought

462. sling shot she brought me.

463. - Did she bring you a sling shot?

464. - Fanciest thing you ever did see.

465. Just a minute, I'll hook it up

466. and you can see for yourself.

467. Look at that.

468. - Well, I'll be doggone,

469. a store bought, lace trimmed double barreled sling shot.

470. - Ain't it a doozy?

471. I don't know how good I can aim it,

472. but it'll sure throw a heap of rocks.

473. - Yeah, they really need me out there.

474. Why, I could work wonders for Elly May

475. with my fancy sewing and beauty secrets and hairstyling

476. and everything.

477. Of course, I'll have to learn all those things

478. not having a husband to support me.

479. - Didn't you say it was 40 miles to the town of Oxford?

480. - That's right.

481. - Well, we've already driven 110 miles.

482. - Well, land to mercy, I forgot to tell you the turn off.

483. Well, as long as we've come this far, maybe we ought to go

484. right on to Californy.

485. - I tell you, granny, there's so much water here,

486. you can shoot a load of buckshot in that ground

487. and bring up a dozen springs.

488. - I'll be right back.

489. - I ain't never missed yet.