1. - "The Beverly Hillbillies."
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2. - Dad-blamed Beverly Hills,
puniest greens I ever did see.
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3. - What you mumbling about, Granny?
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4. - A body can't find no greens
in these Beverly Hills.
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5. I've been out all morning, all
I got was a scraggly handful
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6. of rhubarb leaves.
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7. Back home, I'd had two
bushels, colored, mustard.
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8. - Well, simmer down, maybe Jethro and me
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9. will bring you back some
greens from the country today.
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10. - Oh, you going shooting?
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11. - Yep, Mr. Drysdale asked Jethro and me
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12. to go out with him and another fellow.
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13. - Oh, what are you gonna shoot
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14. some of more of them skeet?
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15. - Oh, no, no, today we
gonna be shooting game.
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16. - Oh praise be, we could
use some fresh meat.
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17. Try and get a possum or squirrel.
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18. - Well, according to Mr.
Drysdale, we gonna be shooting
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19. some game called golf.
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20. - What in tarnation is a golf?
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21. - Well, I don't rightly know, Granny
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22. but they must be thicker
than crows in a corn patch
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23. around here, 'cause Mr.
Drysdale says everybody
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24. in Beverly Hills shoots them.
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25. - Ain't never seen no strange
critters running around.
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26. They must live in holes in
the ground like a gopher.
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27. - Maybe you're right, just
the other day I heard him say
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28. he shot nine holes of golf and got 57.
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29. - There must be a mess of them to a hole.
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30. - Pa, Pa, look at all the
stuff Mr. Drysdale sent over
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31. for you.
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32. - What's that Elly May?
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33. - Well, these here is
what you call golf bags.
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34. - Mmm-doggies, sure is a heap
fancier than a gunny sack
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35. for toting game.
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36. - You know something Jed, them golfs
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37. must be about gopher-size if Mr. Drysdale
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38. can get 57 of them in one of these.
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39. - Golfs ain't nothing
like gophers, Granny,
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40. them things can fly.
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41. - Fly?
- Golfs.
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42. - Yes, sir Uncle Jed, Mr.
Drysdale said the fellow
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43. we're shooting with today,
what's his name again, Elly?
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44. - Mr. Durocher, Mr. Leo Durocher.
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45. - Yeah, well, anyway, he
got four birdies yesterday.
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46. - Must be mighty funny-looking critters,
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47. fly like a bird and live in
the ground like a gopher.
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48. - Well, Mr. Durocher knows
how to get them rascals,
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49. he shot 32.
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50. - He just ain't in it with
Mr. Drysdale, he shot 57.
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51. - Well, the only thing I
know is that them rascals
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52. are sure hard to kill.
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53. After you shoot them, you gotta club them.
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54. - The dickens yous say.
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55. - That's right, Granny, the big boxes
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56. are just full of golf clubs.
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57. - Look at this, Uncle Jed.
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58. - Hmm, that's a wicked
looking knob on this club,
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59. you could brain a bear with that.
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60. - You think that one's
wicked, look at this one,
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61. that knob is solid iron.
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62. - Oh here's something else,
Mr. Drysdale sent over to us.
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63. He said we is suppose
to where these things
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64. when we shoots golfs.
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65. - By doggies, Jethro, them golfs
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66. must be the toughest
little critters there is.
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67. First you shoot, them you club them,
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68. then you stomp them with spikes.
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69. - That ain't all, Miss Jane, she says,
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70. "When your Pa and Jethro
goes out to shoot,
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71. tell them to watch out for the traps."
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72. - Traps too, whew, I can't wait
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73. to tangle with one of them golfs.
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74. For pure scrappiness, they
must make a mountain lion
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75. look like a pussy cat.
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76. - That's the truth, Uncle Jed,
why, they come right at you,
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77. you gotta dodge them and duck them,
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78. we got the fellow to show us how.
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79. - Who's that?
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80. - Mr. Durocher, Miss Jane
says he's a famous dodger.
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81. - Is that a fact?
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82. - Yes, sir he's so good he
coaches all the other dodgers.
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83. - Wee-doggy, I can't wait
to meet Mr. Durocher.
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84. - Me too.
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85. - That a boy, a little life out there,
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86. that a boy, move around out there,
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87. come on, go get those balls.
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88. Come on get the ball on the plate,
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89. now what kind of pitching is that?
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90. Give me some good balls to hit
at, this is batting practice.
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91. Come on, let's go, add a little life.
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92. I kinda wanna talk to you
kid, let me ask me something.
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93. Why don't you sign with the
Dodgers, the happy team,
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94. where winning friends
is a lot more important
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95. than winning ball games.
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96. - Yeah, you sure won a lot
of friends in San Francisco
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97. last season.
(audience laughs)
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98. - Got a great sense of humor, you have.
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99. Also a great pitching,
well what do you say,
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100. you ready to sign with us?
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101. - Sure
- Great.
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102. - As soon as you top
that $50,000 bonus offer
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103. the Giants made me.
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104. - 50, are you still
considering the Giants?
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105. - Why not?
- Why not?
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106. You can't pitch in Candlestick Park,
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107. that wind will blow you
right off the mound.
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108. - Don't worry, that
$50,000 will hold me down.
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109. - You like money, huh?
- Love it.
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110. - You like golf?
- Not as much as money.
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111. - Sign with us and you can have both.
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112. You know who I'm playing golf with today?
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113. - Who?
- A bank president
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114. and a millionaire.
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115. - So what does that do for me?
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116. - What's it do for you?
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117. The millionaire, if you sign with us
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118. and the millionaire's a Dodger fan,
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119. he may set you up in business.
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120. - What's his name?
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121. - There are so many Dodger
fans that are millionaires,
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122. I can't keep track of all of them.
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123. - I'd just as soon talk on
the golf course as here.
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124. - That a boy.
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125. And you'll like playing
with this bank president,
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126. they tell me that he
bets big and plays lousy.
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127. We call him Drysdale the pigeon.
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128. - Don Drysdale's a bank president.
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129. - No, no, not Don but
being a Dodger pitcher
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130. is like being a bank president.
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131. - What do you mean?
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132. - Both named Drysdale, right, right?
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133. Oh, come on.
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134. - I sure wished Mr. Drysdale
would hurry and pick us up,
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135. these clubs is getting awful heavy.
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136. - You know something, Jethro,
we can tote them clubs
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137. in these bags.
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138. - I thought you said them
bags was for toting golfs?
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139. - Until we get the golfs,
we can tote the clubs in.
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140. - Golly, Uncle Jed, that's a good idea.
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141. - Come on.
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142. Funny nobody ever thought of that before.
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143. - Pa, Miss Jane just called from the bank,
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144. she said Mr. Drysdale couldn't
shoot golf with you today,
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145. he's got a big business meeting.
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146. - Oh shucks, I was counting on it.
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147. - Me too.
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148. Well, I tell you what, Jethro,
let's load up the truck
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149. and we go over there and we
shoot some with Mr. Durocher.
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150. - Okay, Uncle Jed.
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151. - Now you tell Granny that I
don't know when we'll get back
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152. but we'll bring her some fresh cut greens.
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153. - Okay, Pa.
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154. - You know where to go?
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155. - Yes, sir Uncle Jed, it's
Wilshire Country Club.
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156. - Be nice to get back
in the country again.
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157. - Granny, Pa said, what are
you doing with his golf club?
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158. - Shh, he'll never miss
it, besides it's dandy
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159. for stirring greens.
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160. - Hi, Mr. Durocher, may I park it for you?
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161. - No, I'll take care
of it, Bill, what spot?
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162. - I think number 12.
- Right.
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163. - Howdy there, this the place
where they shoot the golfs?
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164. - It is, you fellas gardeners?
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165. - Oh, Uncle Jed is,
he's the best there is.
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166. - Oh, Jethro's right handy too.
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167. - You here to take care of the greens?
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168. - Matter of fact, we did promise
to cut some greens, yeah.
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169. - Park around in the back and
ask for the greens keeper.
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170. - Thank you very kindly.
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171. - Yes, sir, thank you.
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172. - Jethro, I think you was
right about them golfs
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173. being buried.
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174. - I was?
- Yeah,
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175. when I come out here, I seen some people
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176. take two little white eggs
out of that hole over yonder.
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177. - I hope we get us some.
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178. - I think I got this golf
shooting figured out too.
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179. I've been watching and this
whole pasture's fool of people
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180. knocking them little
eggs along the ground.
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181. - Oh yeah?
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182. - The way I got it figured,
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183. when a golf comes out of his
hole to get his eggs back,
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184. you shoot him.
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185. - I think you have got it
figured out, Uncle Jed.
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186. - Hey, this young fella got
himself a whopper, ain't he?
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187. - Hey, where'd you get
that, little feller?
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188. - Mr. Durocher gave it to
me and he signed it too.
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189. - Is Mr. Durocher here?
- Right over there
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190. on that bench.
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191. If you ask him, he might give you one too.
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192. - Well, thanks sonny, come on, Jethro.
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193. - Great game you arranged, Leo,
the bank president canceled,
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194. the millionaire didn't show
up and we can't get a caddy.
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195. - I talked to the starter,
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196. he's gonna give us the
first two that come in.
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197. - Look I gotta catch a plane
in San Francisco tonight, Leo.
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198. - Look, kid I told you,
forget about San Francisco,
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199. the Dodgers are the greatest-
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200. - Is Mr. Duroche here?
- Right here.
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201. - Well, Mr. Drysdale can't come
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202. but me and Jethro would
like to go along with you,
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203. if that's all right.
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204. - Well, it's great.
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205. See, I told you we'd get caddies.
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206. And who's bags are those?
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207. - Mr. Drysdale sent them over.
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208. - Look, put them right over
there on the rack, take ours.
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209. - Well, thank you very kindly,
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210. that's very neighborly of you.
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211. - Oh, I've seen some seedy
looking caddies in my day,
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212. they're really scraping
the bottom of the barrel
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213. at this club.
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214. - Well, let's give them a break,
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215. you know, Walsh, I think these fellas
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216. could use a few bucks.
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217. - All right, I'm game.
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218. - Reckon we oughta take
our guns, Uncle Jed?
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219. - Well, they seemed to
want us to use their stuff,
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220. reckon we ought oblige them.
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221. - Whomp it mister.
(audience laughs)
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222. - Look fellas, no talking
while he's swinging.
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223. - Holy cow what a drive.
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224. - Oh just lucky.
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225. - Uncle Jed, you reckon
it's all right to talk now?
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226. - I reckon so, that other
fella ain't swinging.
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227. - Whomp it, Mr. Durocher.
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228. - You'd make a great umpire.
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229. - Well, thank you sir.
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230. - Well, I'd appreciate it very much
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231. if you'd be quiet while I'm swinging also.
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232. - Oh yes sir.
(audience laughs)
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233. - Beautiful shot, Leo.
- Just lucky.
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234. - Let's take the cart and lose those guys.
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235. - Okay, I'm with you.
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236. Faster, they're gaining on us.
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237. - Boy, if I sink this I'll
birdie the first hole.
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238. - A 40 footer, no chance.
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239. - No chance, you just watch
me, kid, I got the magic touch.
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240. - By doggies, we'd thought we'd lost you.
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241. - Yeah, so did we.
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242. - You fixing to whomp it again?
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243. - Yeah, I'm fixing to whomp it again.
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244. Say, you fellas ever caddy before?
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245. - No, I don't reckon so.
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246. - You ever been on a golf course before.
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247. - No sir, but we sure is
anxious to learn about it.
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248. - You wanna learn, come
on with me then, fella,
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249. come on.
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250. - Say mister, could you tell me
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251. where I might find some greens?
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252. - Well, what do you
think you're standing on?
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253. - Right here.
- Yeah.
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254. - By doggy somebody done cut
them so close to the ground,
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255. they ain't nothing left.
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256. - You mean greens to eat?
- Yeah, I promised Granny
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257. I'd bring her home some to cook tonight.
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258. - Say old timer, how long's it been
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259. since you had a decent meal?
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260. - I'd say about a week.
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261. That's when we had the last of
the salted down possum belly.
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262. - Now have you got the idea,
just stand there quietly
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263. and hold the pin, right?
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264. - Oh yes, sir.
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265. - I saved it for you, Mr. Durocher.
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266. - What do you mean you saved it for me?
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267. - Well, if I hadn't have stopped it,
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268. it'd fell right in that little hole there.
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269. - Oh give me that ball.
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270. - Oh take it easy, Leo.
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271. Look, these poor guys
haven't eaten in a week.
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272. - Mr. Durocher, your golf egg is stuck
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273. in the top of that tree yonder.
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274. - Well, why don't you two
fellas just climb up there
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275. and get it out of there.
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276. - Ain't no call to do that,
Jethro can knock it out
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277. for you if we can find
something for him to throw.
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278. - You mean, you can knock that little ball
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279. out of the top of that tree?
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280. - Easy if I can find a rock or something.
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281. - Nevermind a rock.
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282. - Here use this.
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283. - Hey, Uncle Jed, it's
another one of them big eggs.
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284. - Hey could you knock that
golf ball up in that tree?
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285. - Hit it, I can't even see it.
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286. - I'll knock it down
for you, Mr. Durocher.
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287. - Okay.
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288. - Where'd you learn to throw like that?
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289. - Hunting squirrels.
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290. - Jethro can knock a
squirrel out of a tree
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291. clean across this pasture.
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292. - Can you throw like that on the level?
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293. - What you mean?
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294. - Well, can you hit the trunk
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295. of that little tree over there?
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296. - Whoa, you mean the one
with the knothole in it?
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297. - Huh, oh yeah, yeah, that's the one.
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298. - I reckon so.
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299. - If he can hit that
trunk from this distance,
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300. he's the greatest arm since Satchel Paige.
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301. - I'll fling it for you, Mr. Durocher.
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302. - Okay.
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303. - I'll put it right in the knothole.
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304. - How long can you throw like that?
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305. - Well, after about eight or 10 hours,
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306. my arm kinda stiffens up,
so I have to start throwing
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307. with my left.
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308. I can throw harder with my right
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309. but my left don't get tired so quick.
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310. - Hey, Leo, hey Leo!
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311. - Ah, while you're running
keep right on going
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312. to San Francisco.
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313. - Here you are, Granny.
- Oh, that's a good girl.
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314. - Granny, Elly May, wait
till you hear the news.
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315. - Get my greens?
- No, but-
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316. - Get some golfs?
- No, but-
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317. - I got some of their
eggs, Granny, looky here.
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318. - Kinda hard.
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319. - The shells is but
maybe they soft inside.
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320. - Too hard to crack,
I'll have to boil them.
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321. - Now, Granny, you come on over here
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322. and listen to the news, you too, Elly May.
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323. - Well, what is it, Pa?
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324. - This boy here is gonna
be a baseball thrower.
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325. - What's a baseball thrower?
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326. - It's a feller that throws a baseball.
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327. - What's a baseball?
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328. - This here is a baseball.
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329. They play a game with these things.
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330. - Well, how you play it, Pa?
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331. - Well, as far as I can figure,
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332. you get one of them golf eggs stuck in
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333. the top of a tree and
then you knock it out
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334. with this here baseball.
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335. - Yeah, and then if you knock it down,
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336. you get to throw the
baseball through a knothole.
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337. - That sounds like fun, can I play too?
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338. - Well, now, Elly, I don't know.
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339. - Well, I can throw
just as good as Jethro.
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340. - Yeah you could.
- She can't neither.
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341. - Can too!
- Cannot!
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342. - Now listen, now wait
a minute, wait a minute,
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343. let's let Mr. Durocher decide,
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344. he's coming over here in a few minutes
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345. with something called
a contract for Jethro.
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346. - Well, I want one of them contracts too.
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347. - Well, wait, let's just sit here and wait
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348. for Mr. Durocher.
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349. - Stop worrying, Buzzie, it'll be okay.
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350. - What do you mean, stop worrying,
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351. if this kid Walsh signs with the Giants,
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352. O'Malley will kill us.
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353. - Relax, this Jethro is
a one man pitching staff.
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354. Believe me, if we sign him,
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355. you can put seats in the bullpen,
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356. let all the other pitchers sell hotdogs.
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357. - O'Malley would love us.
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358. - Now, don't throw it too hard, Elly May,
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359. you'll drive Jethro plumb
through the wood work.
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360. - Okay, Pa.
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361. - There goes that spook, playing
music in the walls again.
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362. - One of these days, I'm
gonna conjure that rascal
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363. out of there.
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364. - Well, I reckon I might
as well get out front,
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365. somebody always comes to the door
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366. when that music plays.
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367. - I thought you said this
Jethro was a poor boy.
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368. - They must be the caretakers here,
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369. they're so poor, I know they
haven't eaten in a week.
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370. - And he still threw the ball that good?
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371. - And fast, if we feed this boy,
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372. we're gonna have to have
a gorilla to catch him.
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373. - They work for bananas and I
think O'Malley would love it.
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374. - I know he would.
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375. - Well, Mr. Durocher.
- Mr. Clampett,
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376. I want you to meet our
general manager, Mr. Bavasi.
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377. - Well, howdy, howdy, come in, come in.
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378. - Well, now Jethro, after
you throw this here baseball
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379. into the knothole on that tree,
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380. well then what happens?
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381. - Well, then Mr. Durocher
throws his arms around you
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382. and says "Praise be, I got me a pitcher!"
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383. - A pitcher.
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384. - According to him,
that's what baseball teams
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385. is always needing, big strong pitchers.
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386. - Well, if he don't mind
one that's chipped a mite.
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387. - Not that one, Granny,
in baseball, a pitcher
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388. is a feller that throws that there ball.
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389. - Well, what do you throw it at, Jethro?
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390. - You throw it at a plate.
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391. - Don't it bust the plate?
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392. - No, Elly, this kind of
plate is made out of wood
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393. or something and it sits in the ground.
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394. - Well, you wouldn't get me
to eat off of it. (laughs)
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395. - You don't eat off of it, Granny,
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396. a feller stands beside it holding a bat.
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397. - A bat, sounds like a
game you play in a cave.
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398. - How do you hold the bat?
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399. - There's only one way, Elly,
you have to pitch that varmint
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400. by the end of his wings,
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401. and spread eagle so he can't bite you.
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402. - No, Granny, you got-
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403. - Have you ever been bat bit?
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404. - No ma'am but-
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405. - Then don't tell me about bat biting boy.
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406. I was bat bit before you was born.
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407. - These bats don't bite,
Granny, they's made out of wood.
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408. - Wood bats?
- Yes, ma'am
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409. and you don't play
baseball in a cave neither,
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410. you play it on diamond.
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411. - A diamond.
- Yes, ma'am.
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412. - Who told you all this boy?
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413. - Mr. Durocher.
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414. - And you swallowed it.
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415. - Well, Granny, he's the coach.
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416. - He might be a coach but if you ask me,
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417. he's got a few horses missing.
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418. - Go on out to the cement pond everybody,
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419. Mr. Durocher's there, he's
got a feller name of Bavasi.
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420. - Who's he, Pa?
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421. - Well, he is the general
manager of the Dodgers,
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422. Mr. Durocher calls him Buzzie.
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423. - Well, if you ask me, Mr.
Durocher is the one that's buzzy.
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424. - Are you coming, Granny?
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425. - No, I'm gonna stay here
and do something sensible,
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426. I'm gonna boil these golf eggs.
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427. - You say this entire
estate belongs to you?
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428. - Sure does.
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429. - It's bigger than Dodger Stadium.
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430. Jethro, show Mr. Bavasi how
you can throw a baseball.
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431. - Just a minute, Leo, these
people are pretty prosperous,
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432. let's find out how much
money he's gonna want.
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433. - Money?
- Shucks, no, Mr. Bavasi,
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434. I don't want no money.
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435. I'll just throw it for the fun of it.
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436. - O'Malley will love you.
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437. - Look, Jethro, get back
over there about 60 feet,
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438. you know, right this
side of that wall there
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439. and throw the ball.
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440. - There ain't no knotholes around here.
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441. - Just pretend that this
is a knothole right here
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442. and throw it right in this pocket.
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443. - Okay, Mr. Durocher.
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444. - Isn't it gonna hurt
your hand, Mr. Durocher?
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445. - Not with this mitt on.
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446. Watch this, Buzzie.
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447. Okay, Jethro, right in the old knothole,
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448. let's show him the kind of stuff you got.
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449. - Looks, like he carries
his own rosin bag.
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450. - Ready Mr. Durocher.
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451. - Mr. Durocher.
- Mr. Durocher!
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452. - You all right?
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453. - I'm sorry, Mr. Bavasi, I held back,
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454. but I reckon not enough.
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455. - Forget it, Jethro, coaches
we got, pitchers we need.
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456. What's all that grease on your hand?
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457. - Oh that there's possum fat,
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458. I can't throw straight at all
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459. unless I put that on my hands first.
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460. - You're kidding.
- No sir,
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461. I've been throwing rocks like
that since I was this high,
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462. now I can't throw nothing
that ain't smeared
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463. with possum fat.
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464. - Did I hear that right?
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465. - You sure did, he can't throw anything
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466. that isn't smeared with possum fat.
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467. - Look Buzzie, maybe we
can get the commissioners
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468. to legalize the possum balls.
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469. - Uh-huh.
- So long.
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470. - Well, where are you going, Mr. Durocher?
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471. - To drown myself.
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472. - O'Malley will love you!
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473. - I never seen a feller so fond of water
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474. as that Mr. Durocher.
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475. - Yes, sir, Mr. O'Malley,
I'll catch the 5:30 plane
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476. to San Francisco.
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477. No, don't worry, I won't
let that Wesson kid
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478. sign with the Giants.
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479. Bring him back or what,
off the Golden Gate Bridge?
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480. But I just got out of the water.
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481. Yes sir, goodbye.
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482. - Here you are, Mr. Durocher,
this soup will warm you up.
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483. - Here have a piece of Granny's cornbread,
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484. it'll put hair on your chest.
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485. - Yeah, will it put anything up here?
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486. - It is kinda sparse, ain't it?
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487. - Sparse, I've seen more
hair grow on a hog's liver.
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488. - Say, this is pretty
good, chicken, isn't it?
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489. - You didn't miss it much, chicken hawk.
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490. Would you like a golf egg?
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491. - A what?
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492. - A boiled golf egg.
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493. Boiling them made them kinda rubbery.
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494. And that yolk is black as coal.
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495. Maybe put a lot of salt on
it, that'll fix them up.
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496. - Oh, thanks, I'm not hungry.
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497. You suppose my clothes are dry yet?
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498. - Well, they oughta
be, Jethro and Elly May
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499. is running around the block
trailing them in the breeze.
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500. - Here you are, Mr. Durocher.
- Bone dry.
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501. - Well, thanks a million.
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502. Say, Jethro, are you
sure that you can't throw
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503. without possum fat?
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504. - Oh, yes, sir, I'm positive.
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505. - I can throw as good as
Jethro without possum fat.
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506. - She sure can.
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507. - Elly May can out throw anybody.
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508. - Oh, yes, sir, she's got plenty of stuff.
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509. - Yeah, we could never hide
it under a Dodger uniform.
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510. - You come on outside and I'll show you.
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511. - Well, I got an hour before my plane,
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512. don't mind if I do play a little catch.
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513. All right, Elly aim for the glove.
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514. - Here we go again, that's man
spends more time in the water
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515. than a bullfrog.
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