The Beverly Hillbillies 1x29

1. - "The Beverly Hillbillies."

2. - Dad-blamed Beverly Hills, puniest greens I ever did see.

3. - What you mumbling about, Granny?

4. - A body can't find no greens in these Beverly Hills.

5. I've been out all morning, all I got was a scraggly handful

6. of rhubarb leaves.

7. Back home, I'd had two bushels, colored, mustard.

8. - Well, simmer down, maybe Jethro and me

9. will bring you back some greens from the country today.

10. - Oh, you going shooting?

11. - Yep, Mr. Drysdale asked Jethro and me

12. to go out with him and another fellow.

13. - Oh, what are you gonna shoot

14. some of more of them skeet?

15. - Oh, no, no, today we gonna be shooting game.

16. - Oh praise be, we could use some fresh meat.

17. Try and get a possum or squirrel.

18. - Well, according to Mr. Drysdale, we gonna be shooting

19. some game called golf.

20. - What in tarnation is a golf?

21. - Well, I don't rightly know, Granny

22. but they must be thicker than crows in a corn patch

23. around here, 'cause Mr. Drysdale says everybody

24. in Beverly Hills shoots them.

25. - Ain't never seen no strange critters running around.

26. They must live in holes in the ground like a gopher.

27. - Maybe you're right, just the other day I heard him say

28. he shot nine holes of golf and got 57.

29. - There must be a mess of them to a hole.

30. - Pa, Pa, look at all the stuff Mr. Drysdale sent over

31. for you.

32. - What's that Elly May?

33. - Well, these here is what you call golf bags.

34. - Mmm-doggies, sure is a heap fancier than a gunny sack

35. for toting game.

36. - You know something Jed, them golfs

37. must be about gopher-size if Mr. Drysdale

38. can get 57 of them in one of these.

39. - Golfs ain't nothing like gophers, Granny,

40. them things can fly.

41. - Fly? - Golfs.

42. - Yes, sir Uncle Jed, Mr. Drysdale said the fellow

43. we're shooting with today, what's his name again, Elly?

44. - Mr. Durocher, Mr. Leo Durocher.

45. - Yeah, well, anyway, he got four birdies yesterday.

46. - Must be mighty funny-looking critters,

47. fly like a bird and live in the ground like a gopher.

48. - Well, Mr. Durocher knows how to get them rascals,

49. he shot 32.

50. - He just ain't in it with Mr. Drysdale, he shot 57.

51. - Well, the only thing I know is that them rascals

52. are sure hard to kill.

53. After you shoot them, you gotta club them.

54. - The dickens yous say.

55. - That's right, Granny, the big boxes

56. are just full of golf clubs.

57. - Look at this, Uncle Jed.

58. - Hmm, that's a wicked looking knob on this club,

59. you could brain a bear with that.

60. - You think that one's wicked, look at this one,

61. that knob is solid iron.

62. - Oh here's something else, Mr. Drysdale sent over to us.

63. He said we is suppose to where these things

64. when we shoots golfs.

65. - By doggies, Jethro, them golfs

66. must be the toughest little critters there is.

67. First you shoot, them you club them,

68. then you stomp them with spikes.

69. - That ain't all, Miss Jane, she says,

70. "When your Pa and Jethro goes out to shoot,

71. tell them to watch out for the traps."

72. - Traps too, whew, I can't wait

73. to tangle with one of them golfs.

74. For pure scrappiness, they must make a mountain lion

75. look like a pussy cat.

76. - That's the truth, Uncle Jed, why, they come right at you,

77. you gotta dodge them and duck them,

78. we got the fellow to show us how.

79. - Who's that?

80. - Mr. Durocher, Miss Jane says he's a famous dodger.

81. - Is that a fact?

82. - Yes, sir he's so good he coaches all the other dodgers.

83. - Wee-doggy, I can't wait to meet Mr. Durocher.

84. - Me too.

85. - That a boy, a little life out there,

86. that a boy, move around out there,

87. come on, go get those balls.

88. Come on get the ball on the plate,

89. now what kind of pitching is that?

90. Give me some good balls to hit at, this is batting practice.

91. Come on, let's go, add a little life.

92. I kinda wanna talk to you kid, let me ask me something.

93. Why don't you sign with the Dodgers, the happy team,

94. where winning friends is a lot more important

95. than winning ball games.

96. - Yeah, you sure won a lot of friends in San Francisco

97. last season. (audience laughs)

98. - Got a great sense of humor, you have.

99. Also a great pitching, well what do you say,

100. you ready to sign with us?

101. - Sure - Great.

102. - As soon as you top that $50,000 bonus offer

103. the Giants made me.

104. - 50, are you still considering the Giants?

105. - Why not? - Why not?

106. You can't pitch in Candlestick Park,

107. that wind will blow you right off the mound.

108. - Don't worry, that $50,000 will hold me down.

109. - You like money, huh? - Love it.

110. - You like golf? - Not as much as money.

111. - Sign with us and you can have both.

112. You know who I'm playing golf with today?

113. - Who? - A bank president

114. and a millionaire.

115. - So what does that do for me?

116. - What's it do for you?

117. The millionaire, if you sign with us

118. and the millionaire's a Dodger fan,

119. he may set you up in business.

120. - What's his name?

121. - There are so many Dodger fans that are millionaires,

122. I can't keep track of all of them.

123. - I'd just as soon talk on the golf course as here.

124. - That a boy.

125. And you'll like playing with this bank president,

126. they tell me that he bets big and plays lousy.

127. We call him Drysdale the pigeon.

128. - Don Drysdale's a bank president.

129. - No, no, not Don but being a Dodger pitcher

130. is like being a bank president.

131. - What do you mean?

132. - Both named Drysdale, right, right?

133. Oh, come on.

134. - I sure wished Mr. Drysdale would hurry and pick us up,

135. these clubs is getting awful heavy.

136. - You know something, Jethro, we can tote them clubs

137. in these bags.

138. - I thought you said them bags was for toting golfs?

139. - Until we get the golfs, we can tote the clubs in.

140. - Golly, Uncle Jed, that's a good idea.

141. - Come on.

142. Funny nobody ever thought of that before.

143. - Pa, Miss Jane just called from the bank,

144. she said Mr. Drysdale couldn't shoot golf with you today,

145. he's got a big business meeting.

146. - Oh shucks, I was counting on it.

147. - Me too.

148. Well, I tell you what, Jethro, let's load up the truck

149. and we go over there and we shoot some with Mr. Durocher.

150. - Okay, Uncle Jed.

151. - Now you tell Granny that I don't know when we'll get back

152. but we'll bring her some fresh cut greens.

153. - Okay, Pa.

154. - You know where to go?

155. - Yes, sir Uncle Jed, it's Wilshire Country Club.

156. - Be nice to get back in the country again.

157. - Granny, Pa said, what are you doing with his golf club?

158. - Shh, he'll never miss it, besides it's dandy

159. for stirring greens.

160. - Hi, Mr. Durocher, may I park it for you?

161. - No, I'll take care of it, Bill, what spot?

162. - I think number 12. - Right.

163. - Howdy there, this the place where they shoot the golfs?

164. - It is, you fellas gardeners?

165. - Oh, Uncle Jed is, he's the best there is.

166. - Oh, Jethro's right handy too.

167. - You here to take care of the greens?

168. - Matter of fact, we did promise to cut some greens, yeah.

169. - Park around in the back and ask for the greens keeper.

170. - Thank you very kindly.

171. - Yes, sir, thank you.

172. - Jethro, I think you was right about them golfs

173. being buried.

174. - I was? - Yeah,

175. when I come out here, I seen some people

176. take two little white eggs out of that hole over yonder.

177. - I hope we get us some.

178. - I think I got this golf shooting figured out too.

179. I've been watching and this whole pasture's fool of people

180. knocking them little eggs along the ground.

181. - Oh yeah?

182. - The way I got it figured,

183. when a golf comes out of his hole to get his eggs back,

184. you shoot him.

185. - I think you have got it figured out, Uncle Jed.

186. - Hey, this young fella got himself a whopper, ain't he?

187. - Hey, where'd you get that, little feller?

188. - Mr. Durocher gave it to me and he signed it too.

189. - Is Mr. Durocher here? - Right over there

190. on that bench.

191. If you ask him, he might give you one too.

192. - Well, thanks sonny, come on, Jethro.

193. - Great game you arranged, Leo, the bank president canceled,

194. the millionaire didn't show up and we can't get a caddy.

195. - I talked to the starter,

196. he's gonna give us the first two that come in.

197. - Look I gotta catch a plane in San Francisco tonight, Leo.

198. - Look, kid I told you, forget about San Francisco,

199. the Dodgers are the greatest-

200. - Is Mr. Duroche here? - Right here.

201. - Well, Mr. Drysdale can't come

202. but me and Jethro would like to go along with you,

203. if that's all right.

204. - Well, it's great.

205. See, I told you we'd get caddies.

206. And who's bags are those?

207. - Mr. Drysdale sent them over.

208. - Look, put them right over there on the rack, take ours.

209. - Well, thank you very kindly,

210. that's very neighborly of you.

211. - Oh, I've seen some seedy looking caddies in my day,

212. they're really scraping the bottom of the barrel

213. at this club.

214. - Well, let's give them a break,

215. you know, Walsh, I think these fellas

216. could use a few bucks.

217. - All right, I'm game.

218. - Reckon we oughta take our guns, Uncle Jed?

219. - Well, they seemed to want us to use their stuff,

220. reckon we ought oblige them.

221. - Whomp it mister. (audience laughs)

222. - Look fellas, no talking while he's swinging.

223. - Holy cow what a drive.

224. - Oh just lucky.

225. - Uncle Jed, you reckon it's all right to talk now?

226. - I reckon so, that other fella ain't swinging.

227. - Whomp it, Mr. Durocher.

228. - You'd make a great umpire.

229. - Well, thank you sir.

230. - Well, I'd appreciate it very much

231. if you'd be quiet while I'm swinging also.

232. - Oh yes sir. (audience laughs)

233. - Beautiful shot, Leo. - Just lucky.

234. - Let's take the cart and lose those guys.

235. - Okay, I'm with you.

236. Faster, they're gaining on us.

237. - Boy, if I sink this I'll birdie the first hole.

238. - A 40 footer, no chance.

239. - No chance, you just watch me, kid, I got the magic touch.

240. - By doggies, we'd thought we'd lost you.

241. - Yeah, so did we.

242. - You fixing to whomp it again?

243. - Yeah, I'm fixing to whomp it again.

244. Say, you fellas ever caddy before?

245. - No, I don't reckon so.

246. - You ever been on a golf course before.

247. - No sir, but we sure is anxious to learn about it.

248. - You wanna learn, come on with me then, fella,

249. come on.

250. - Say mister, could you tell me

251. where I might find some greens?

252. - Well, what do you think you're standing on?

253. - Right here. - Yeah.

254. - By doggy somebody done cut them so close to the ground,

255. they ain't nothing left.

256. - You mean greens to eat? - Yeah, I promised Granny

257. I'd bring her home some to cook tonight.

258. - Say old timer, how long's it been

259. since you had a decent meal?

260. - I'd say about a week.

261. That's when we had the last of the salted down possum belly.

262. - Now have you got the idea, just stand there quietly

263. and hold the pin, right?

264. - Oh yes, sir.

265. - I saved it for you, Mr. Durocher.

266. - What do you mean you saved it for me?

267. - Well, if I hadn't have stopped it,

268. it'd fell right in that little hole there.

269. - Oh give me that ball.

270. - Oh take it easy, Leo.

271. Look, these poor guys haven't eaten in a week.

272. - Mr. Durocher, your golf egg is stuck

273. in the top of that tree yonder.

274. - Well, why don't you two fellas just climb up there

275. and get it out of there.

276. - Ain't no call to do that, Jethro can knock it out

277. for you if we can find something for him to throw.

278. - You mean, you can knock that little ball

279. out of the top of that tree?

280. - Easy if I can find a rock or something.

281. - Nevermind a rock.

282. - Here use this.

283. - Hey, Uncle Jed, it's another one of them big eggs.

284. - Hey could you knock that golf ball up in that tree?

285. - Hit it, I can't even see it.

286. - I'll knock it down for you, Mr. Durocher.

287. - Okay.

288. - Where'd you learn to throw like that?

289. - Hunting squirrels.

290. - Jethro can knock a squirrel out of a tree

291. clean across this pasture.

292. - Can you throw like that on the level?

293. - What you mean?

294. - Well, can you hit the trunk

295. of that little tree over there?

296. - Whoa, you mean the one with the knothole in it?

297. - Huh, oh yeah, yeah, that's the one.

298. - I reckon so.

299. - If he can hit that trunk from this distance,

300. he's the greatest arm since Satchel Paige.

301. - I'll fling it for you, Mr. Durocher.

302. - Okay.

303. - I'll put it right in the knothole.

304. - How long can you throw like that?

305. - Well, after about eight or 10 hours,

306. my arm kinda stiffens up, so I have to start throwing

307. with my left.

308. I can throw harder with my right

309. but my left don't get tired so quick.

310. - Hey, Leo, hey Leo!

311. - Ah, while you're running keep right on going

312. to San Francisco.

313. - Here you are, Granny. - Oh, that's a good girl.

314. - Granny, Elly May, wait till you hear the news.

315. - Get my greens? - No, but-

316. - Get some golfs? - No, but-

317. - I got some of their eggs, Granny, looky here.

318. - Kinda hard.

319. - The shells is but maybe they soft inside.

320. - Too hard to crack, I'll have to boil them.

321. - Now, Granny, you come on over here

322. and listen to the news, you too, Elly May.

323. - Well, what is it, Pa?

324. - This boy here is gonna be a baseball thrower.

325. - What's a baseball thrower?

326. - It's a feller that throws a baseball.

327. - What's a baseball?

328. - This here is a baseball.

329. They play a game with these things.

330. - Well, how you play it, Pa?

331. - Well, as far as I can figure,

332. you get one of them golf eggs stuck in

333. the top of a tree and then you knock it out

334. with this here baseball.

335. - Yeah, and then if you knock it down,

336. you get to throw the baseball through a knothole.

337. - That sounds like fun, can I play too?

338. - Well, now, Elly, I don't know.

339. - Well, I can throw just as good as Jethro.

340. - Yeah you could. - She can't neither.

341. - Can too! - Cannot!

342. - Now listen, now wait a minute, wait a minute,

343. let's let Mr. Durocher decide,

344. he's coming over here in a few minutes

345. with something called a contract for Jethro.

346. - Well, I want one of them contracts too.

347. - Well, wait, let's just sit here and wait

348. for Mr. Durocher.

349. - Stop worrying, Buzzie, it'll be okay.

350. - What do you mean, stop worrying,

351. if this kid Walsh signs with the Giants,

352. O'Malley will kill us.

353. - Relax, this Jethro is a one man pitching staff.

354. Believe me, if we sign him,

355. you can put seats in the bullpen,

356. let all the other pitchers sell hotdogs.

357. - O'Malley would love us.

358. - Now, don't throw it too hard, Elly May,

359. you'll drive Jethro plumb through the wood work.

360. - Okay, Pa.

361. - There goes that spook, playing music in the walls again.

362. - One of these days, I'm gonna conjure that rascal

363. out of there.

364. - Well, I reckon I might as well get out front,

365. somebody always comes to the door

366. when that music plays.

367. - I thought you said this Jethro was a poor boy.

368. - They must be the caretakers here,

369. they're so poor, I know they haven't eaten in a week.

370. - And he still threw the ball that good?

371. - And fast, if we feed this boy,

372. we're gonna have to have a gorilla to catch him.

373. - They work for bananas and I think O'Malley would love it.

374. - I know he would.

375. - Well, Mr. Durocher. - Mr. Clampett,

376. I want you to meet our general manager, Mr. Bavasi.

377. - Well, howdy, howdy, come in, come in.

378. - Well, now Jethro, after you throw this here baseball

379. into the knothole on that tree,

380. well then what happens?

381. - Well, then Mr. Durocher throws his arms around you

382. and says "Praise be, I got me a pitcher!"

383. - A pitcher.

384. - According to him, that's what baseball teams

385. is always needing, big strong pitchers.

386. - Well, if he don't mind one that's chipped a mite.

387. - Not that one, Granny, in baseball, a pitcher

388. is a feller that throws that there ball.

389. - Well, what do you throw it at, Jethro?

390. - You throw it at a plate.

391. - Don't it bust the plate?

392. - No, Elly, this kind of plate is made out of wood

393. or something and it sits in the ground.

394. - Well, you wouldn't get me to eat off of it. (laughs)

395. - You don't eat off of it, Granny,

396. a feller stands beside it holding a bat.

397. - A bat, sounds like a game you play in a cave.

398. - How do you hold the bat?

399. - There's only one way, Elly, you have to pitch that varmint

400. by the end of his wings,

401. and spread eagle so he can't bite you.

402. - No, Granny, you got-

403. - Have you ever been bat bit?

404. - No ma'am but-

405. - Then don't tell me about bat biting boy.

406. I was bat bit before you was born.

407. - These bats don't bite, Granny, they's made out of wood.

408. - Wood bats? - Yes, ma'am

409. and you don't play baseball in a cave neither,

410. you play it on diamond.

411. - A diamond. - Yes, ma'am.

412. - Who told you all this boy?

413. - Mr. Durocher.

414. - And you swallowed it.

415. - Well, Granny, he's the coach.

416. - He might be a coach but if you ask me,

417. he's got a few horses missing.

418. - Go on out to the cement pond everybody,

419. Mr. Durocher's there, he's got a feller name of Bavasi.

420. - Who's he, Pa?

421. - Well, he is the general manager of the Dodgers,

422. Mr. Durocher calls him Buzzie.

423. - Well, if you ask me, Mr. Durocher is the one that's buzzy.

424. - Are you coming, Granny?

425. - No, I'm gonna stay here and do something sensible,

426. I'm gonna boil these golf eggs.

427. - You say this entire estate belongs to you?

428. - Sure does.

429. - It's bigger than Dodger Stadium.

430. Jethro, show Mr. Bavasi how you can throw a baseball.

431. - Just a minute, Leo, these people are pretty prosperous,

432. let's find out how much money he's gonna want.

433. - Money? - Shucks, no, Mr. Bavasi,

434. I don't want no money.

435. I'll just throw it for the fun of it.

436. - O'Malley will love you.

437. - Look, Jethro, get back over there about 60 feet,

438. you know, right this side of that wall there

439. and throw the ball.

440. - There ain't no knotholes around here.

441. - Just pretend that this is a knothole right here

442. and throw it right in this pocket.

443. - Okay, Mr. Durocher.

444. - Isn't it gonna hurt your hand, Mr. Durocher?

445. - Not with this mitt on.

446. Watch this, Buzzie.

447. Okay, Jethro, right in the old knothole,

448. let's show him the kind of stuff you got.

449. - Looks, like he carries his own rosin bag.

450. - Ready Mr. Durocher.

451. - Mr. Durocher. - Mr. Durocher!

452. - You all right?

453. - I'm sorry, Mr. Bavasi, I held back,

454. but I reckon not enough.

455. - Forget it, Jethro, coaches we got, pitchers we need.

456. What's all that grease on your hand?

457. - Oh that there's possum fat,

458. I can't throw straight at all

459. unless I put that on my hands first.

460. - You're kidding. - No sir,

461. I've been throwing rocks like that since I was this high,

462. now I can't throw nothing that ain't smeared

463. with possum fat.

464. - Did I hear that right?

465. - You sure did, he can't throw anything

466. that isn't smeared with possum fat.

467. - Look Buzzie, maybe we can get the commissioners

468. to legalize the possum balls.

469. - Uh-huh. - So long.

470. - Well, where are you going, Mr. Durocher?

471. - To drown myself.

472. - O'Malley will love you!

473. - I never seen a feller so fond of water

474. as that Mr. Durocher.

475. - Yes, sir, Mr. O'Malley, I'll catch the 5:30 plane

476. to San Francisco.

477. No, don't worry, I won't let that Wesson kid

478. sign with the Giants.

479. Bring him back or what, off the Golden Gate Bridge?

480. But I just got out of the water.

481. Yes sir, goodbye.

482. - Here you are, Mr. Durocher, this soup will warm you up.

483. - Here have a piece of Granny's cornbread,

484. it'll put hair on your chest.

485. - Yeah, will it put anything up here?

486. - It is kinda sparse, ain't it?

487. - Sparse, I've seen more hair grow on a hog's liver.

488. - Say, this is pretty good, chicken, isn't it?

489. - You didn't miss it much, chicken hawk.

490. Would you like a golf egg?

491. - A what?

492. - A boiled golf egg.

493. Boiling them made them kinda rubbery.

494. And that yolk is black as coal.

495. Maybe put a lot of salt on it, that'll fix them up.

496. - Oh, thanks, I'm not hungry.

497. You suppose my clothes are dry yet?

498. - Well, they oughta be, Jethro and Elly May

499. is running around the block trailing them in the breeze.

500. - Here you are, Mr. Durocher. - Bone dry.

501. - Well, thanks a million.

502. Say, Jethro, are you sure that you can't throw

503. without possum fat?

504. - Oh, yes, sir, I'm positive.

505. - I can throw as good as Jethro without possum fat.

506. - She sure can.

507. - Elly May can out throw anybody.

508. - Oh, yes, sir, she's got plenty of stuff.

509. - Yeah, we could never hide it under a Dodger uniform.

510. - You come on outside and I'll show you.

511. - Well, I got an hour before my plane,

512. don't mind if I do play a little catch.

513. All right, Elly aim for the glove.

514. - Here we go again, that's man spends more time in the water

515. than a bullfrog.