The Beverly Hillbillies 1x28

1. - You hear me, mister.

2. Now you get goin' and get goin' fast.

3. - M-m-madam, I don't think you understand.

4. I'm from the Internal Revenue Service.

5. That's a department of the...

6. - You hop in that puddle-jumper and cut mud out of here.

7. - But I only want to talk about Mr. Clampett's return.

8. - He ain't gone nowhere.

9. And if you keep hanging around here,

10. you ain't going nowhere neither.

11. Now, see here, madam, I insist...

12. I'll be back!

13. - I'll be waitin'!

14. - What's all the ruckus, Granny?

15. Who was that?

16. - Dad-blamed revenuer.

17. - You sure?

18. - Came right out and admitted it himself.

19. Hm, well we don't want no trouble with the law,

20. and besides, you said you was gonna stop runnin' your still.

21. - I ain't been.

22. But I don't want no revenuer snooping around.

23. They're the lowest form of varmints.

24. Even he was ashamed of bein' one.

25. - What?

26. - Called it the infernal revenue service.

27. - Internal Revenue Service?

28. - That's right.

29. - Well, sit down, sit down.

30. - Oh, thank you.

31. - Well, now, it's a pleasure to have you visit

32. my struggling little bank.

33. Cigarette?

34. - Thank you.

35. - Here you are.

36. Yes, it's always a pleasure to see you splendid chaps

37. from the Internal Revenue Service.

38. You know, I was just, I was just talking

39. to my tax man yesterday.

40. Aspirin?

41. - No, thank you.

42. - Mr. Drysdale, I'm not here

43. to talk about your income tax return.

44. - You're not? - No.

45. But your tax man did handle the return

46. for Mr. J.D. Clampett, right?

47. - Oh, yes, yes, Mr. Clampett is my largest depositor.

48. Wonderful man.

49. Salt of the earth.

50. Honest as the day is long.

51. Lovely family.

52. - Mhm.

53. Mr. Drysdale, I was just fired on

54. by a member of that lovely family.

55. - Fired on, you mean shot at?

56. - Mhm.

57. With a double-barreled, twelve-gauge shotgun.

58. Wielded expertly by a little old lady no bigger than this.

59. - Granny.

60. Oh, Mr. Landman, you-you have to understand these people.

61. - Oh, I understood her fine.

62. What I don't understand is this.

63. How can a man show an income of millions for last year,

64. and not one red penny for all the years previous?

65. - Oh, well, well, I can explain that.

66. - Well, the Treasury Department will appreciate it.

67. - Now, this is the beautiful mansion

68. you just visited, right?

69. - Well, I would hardly call it a visit.

70. Skirmish might be a better word.

71. This is the house, yes.

72. Mr. Landman, would you believe that eight months ago,

73. they lived here?

74. - No, frankly I wouldn't.

75. - I give you my word.

76. The poorest, most uninformed people imaginable.

77. Why, when an oil company tried to explore their swamp,

78. old Jed's daughter hit him with a rock.

79. Thought he was a revenuer.

80. - What you got there?

81. - Stranger.

82. - Where'd you get him?

83. - I beaned him with a rock.

84. - What for?

85. - He was skulking 'round down by the sloo.

86. Figured he might be a revenuer.

87. - He ain't no revenuer.

88. - Then can I keep him?

89. - 'Course not!

90. - Well, I caught him.

91. - That don't matter.

92. - But he won't be no trouble.

93. I could keep him out in the smoke house and...

94. - Elly May, you can't keep people

95. like they were dogs and cats.

96. - Who's that?

97. - Some feller Elly found nosing around.

98. - Beaned him with a rock so he'd be easier to tote.

99. - That there fella's from the petroleum company.

100. - What's a petroleum?

101. - I don't know.

102. He asked me if he could do

103. some wildcattin' down by the sloo.

104. I said help yourself.

105. We're glad to get rid of the critters.

106. - What'd he say?

107. - Just kind of laughed.

108. The laugh's on him.

109. There ain't no Wildcats down there at that sloo.

110. - Heck no, it's too full of oil.

111. - Are you trying to tell me they didn't know

112. oil was valuable?

113. - Even when the oil company geologist told them,

114. they didn't understand.

115. - Mr. Clampett, that swamp of yours is full of oil.

116. - I could've told you that.

117. - Well, my company would like to pump it out.

118. - Yeah, I'd like that too,

119. but I just can't afford to have it done.

120. - Oh, no, no, you don't understand.

121. You see, you wouldn't have to pay for it.

122. - Oh, I don't take favors from strangers.

123. - No, no, Mr. Clampett, you see, you're a very rich man.

124. - Stranger, if money was skunk oil,

125. a hound dog couldn't smell me.

126. - But your swamp.

127. My company will buy that land.

128. Why, they'll raise so many derricks down there that...

129. - Son, I got to be honest with you.

130. You couldn't raise turnips down there.

131. - He's right.

132. That ground looks black and rich,

133. but it's so greasy you can just squeeze the oil out of it.

134. - But that's what my company wants.

135. - Maybe you better sit down for a spell.

136. Why, even after Mr. Clampett sold his swamp,

137. he didn't know how much he'd gotten

138. until his cousin Pearl heard the news and came rushing over.

139. Jethro!

140. Stop this thing!

141. Stop it!

142. Hold on, Elly May.

143. Heaven protect us!

144. Oh!

145. Jethro!

146. - Did they hit us, Jed?

147. - No, but I think they sure whomped the chicken house.

148. - Oh, Jed, I'm sure sorry about the chicken house,

149. but nobody got hurt.

150. Jethro, I told you to get rid of them worn-out brakes.

151. - I did, Ma.

152. That's how come we ain't got none.

153. - Get on out and lift the chicken

154. house back on its foundation.

155. Jed.

156. - Yeah.

157. - Jed, Elly May came runnin' over to my place

158. and she said you sold the swamp to some oil company.

159. - Well, yeah, I guess I did.

160. - What did they pay you for it?

161. - Well, they ain't paid me nothing yet.

162. That Brewster fella said he'd bring the money later.

163. - Well, how much they gonna pay you?

164. - Well, he said that depends some

165. on how much oil they could pump up.

166. - Well, he must've mentioned some figure.

167. What was it?

168. - Now, Pearl, you know that old swamp weren't worth shucks.

169. - Jed Clampett, you got flickered,

170. and you're shamed to admit it.

171. - That's just what I told him.

172. - Granny, how much they gonna pay him?

173. - All right, I'll tell you, he said around somewhere

174. between 25 and a hundred.

175. - 25 and a hundred?

176. - I know it don't sound like much,

177. but Mr. Brewster seemed to set great store by the fact

178. he's gonna pay me in some new kind of dollar.

179. - There ain't no new kind of dollars.

180. - Well, it's new to me.

181. I've heard of gold dollars, silver dollars,

182. paper dollars, but he says he's going to pay me in,

183. uh, what do you call them, Granny?

184. - Million dollars.

185. - Yeah, that's it.

186. - Million dollars?

187. - Well, he wrote the whole thing out on this piece of paper.

188. Here, you can see for yourself,

189. I don't know nothing about that kind of stuff.

190. - Let's see here now...

191. Saints in heaven.

192. Granny, give me the jug.

193. - It's empty, but I'll fetch some.

194. - I'll go, Granny.

195. - Jed, Jed.

196. You're a millionaire.

197. A millionaire.

198. - Yeah, that's what that Brewster fella kept calling me.

199. I didn't know just how to take it.

200. - He meant you're rich.

201. - Me?

202. - The richest man in these hills.

203. Maybe in the whole state.

204. Oh, Jed, you can have anything you want,

205. do anything you want, go any place you want.

206. - Yeah, that's another thing he kept saying.

207. He said he reckoned I'd be moving away from here soon.

208. What do you think, Pearl, you think I ought to move?

209. Jed, how can you even ask?

210. Look around you.

211. You're eight miles from your nearest neighbor,

212. you're overrun with skunks, possums, coyotes, bobcats,

213. you use kerosene lamps for light,

214. you cook on a wood stove summer and winter,

215. you're drinkin' homemade moonshine,

216. washin' with homemade lye soap,

217. and your bathroom is 50 feet from the house,

218. and you ask should you move?

219. - Yeah, I reckon you're right.

220. Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.

221. - You know, Mr. Drysdale, in the Internal Revenue Service,

222. we hear some pretty wild stories.

223. But this corn pone to caviar saga

224. of Jed Clampett tops everything.

225. - Well, if you think it's been unbelievable so far,

226. wait till you hear the rest of it.

227. - What I can't understand is how

228. a man so insulated from the rest of the world

229. ever heard about Beverly Hills, California.

230. I can explain that in two words: Cousin Pearl.

231. She's the one who had her sights set on California.

232. - Oh, there you are, Jed.

233. You misunderstood me.

234. I meant you should move away.

235. And you know where I'd go if I was you?

236. - Where?

237. - Californy.

238. - Californy?

239. - Yes, sir, Beverly Hills, Californy.

240. I hear tell it's full of millionaires out there,

241. and movie stars, too.

242. - And what?

243. - Movie stars.

244. Jed, remember the time that your Pa took us

245. to Eureky Springs to see the movie picture?

246. - Yeah.

247. - Well, the actors that make them movie pictures

248. live in Beverly Hills.

249. - Go on. - Yes.

250. - Well, doggies.

251. Wouldn't that be something?

252. Living in the same neck of the woods as old Tom Mix.

253. - It sure would.

254. And we could come visit you.

255. You know what else they say about Californy?

256. - What?

257. - It don't get cold out there.

258. - What don't get cold out there?

259. - Nothing don't get cold out there,

260. they don't have no snow or no ice.

261. - Can't they bring some in?

262. - They don't want it.

263. That's why it'd be so good for Granny.

264. Remember last winter when she slipped

265. on the ice and broke her hip?

266. - Yeah, poor old woman.

267. She was limpin' for two days.

268. Well, that couldn't happen in Californy,

269. 'cause they don't have no ice.

270. - How come?

271. - I don't know how come.

272. But Granny'd sure like it.

273. And we could visit you.

274. - Maybe Jethro'd know how come there's no ice.

275. He's going to school.

276. - We could ask him.

277. Jethro!

278. - Yeah, Ma?

279. - Come on over here.

280. - Speaking of school, Elly May could get herself

281. a fine education out there in Beverly Hills.

282. - Yeah, Ma?

283. Your rich uncle's got a question he'd like to ask you.

284. - What rich uncle, Ma?

285. - Your rich uncle Jed.

286. Jethro, how come there's no ice in Californy?

287. Don't look at me, I didn't take it.

288. - You big, dumb...

289. - Well, I didn't, Ma.

290. - Oh, get on out of here.

291. - Why you always...

292. - I was saying, Jed,

293. folks claim Californy's got it all beat.

294. Why, things grow twice as big out there.

295. - Jethro'd be a Whopper, wouldn't he?

296. - Say, he could help you move.

297. He's awful handy at liftin' and totin',

298. and he could drive you out in my truck.

299. - I tell you what, Pearl.

300. I'm gonna have to study on this.

301. And that Brewster feller comes back,

302. I'll ask him what he thinks.

303. - Yes, it was Cousin Pearl who planted the idea of

304. moving to Beverly Hills,

305. but it was Mr. Brewster who made it possible.

306. - Who's he?

307. - Vice president of the oil company

308. that bought Mr. Clampett's land.

309. Yes, Brewster's often told me the story

310. of that fateful evening.

311. - Well, your cousin is right about that, Mr. Clampett.

312. Beverly Hills is a choice residential area,

313. and lots of millionaires do settle there.

314. - Folks like me, huh?

315. - Well, uh, millionaires.

316. - And movie stars, too. - Oh yeah, yeah.

317. - Is Tom Mix there?

318. - No, I'm afraid Mr. Mix is dead.

319. - Oh?

320. Oh, yeah, oh, what's the matter with me?

321. Remember Pearl, he got shot at the end of that picture.

322. - Well, there are plenty other movie stars,

323. and that's where Jed wants to live, ain't it, Jed?

324. - I do like the notion of living in the hills.

325. Never could stand flat country.

326. - Mr. Clampett, I think it only fair...

327. that is, well,

328. I think you may have a wrong idea about Beverly Hills.

329. - Is that where you live?

330. - No, my home is in Tulsa.

331. - Well say, maybe you could get us a place there,

332. in your neighborhood.

333. - Mr. Clampett, let's not beat around the bush.

334. You will love Beverly Hills.

335. - Then that's it!

336. Can you steer Jed onto a good place?

337. - Oh, I can get the bank out there to handle it for him.

338. He'd like a nice, big place,

339. with plenty of room for his kinfolk to visit him.

340. - I would like a nice, roomy place, if I could afford it.

341. Oh, Mr. Clampett, with your money

342. you could afford the Taj Mahal.

343. - Okay, I'll take it!

344. - Well, no, you see, I was just making a little joke.

345. - Oh, well, go right ahead.

346. - Well, you see, the Taj Mahal is in India.

347. Mr. Brewster, you're a nice fella,

348. but I've heard better jokes.

349. - Is the furriner staying to supper?

350. - I'm ashamed to say I ain't asked him.

351. How about it?

352. - Oh, I don't think so.

353. - Oh, no trouble.

354. What you cookin' tonight, Granny?

355. - Mustard greens and possum innards.

356. - Mm!

357. Did you hear that, Mr. Brewster?

358. - Very clearly.

359. - Want to change your mind?

360. - Uh, not this time.

361. - Well, you could happily come back tomorrow.

362. We'll be having leftovers.

363. That's the thing about possum innards:

364. they's just as good the second day.

365. - What a family!

366. So, anyway, they packed up and came to Beverly Hills.

367. - Well, it wasn't quite that simple.

368. Mr. Clampett had his problems.

369. - With $25 million, he had problems?

370. - Ah, yes. The first one was his daughter.

371. She didn't want to leave her friends.

372. - Friends?

373. I thought they lived in a completely unpopulated area?

374. - They did.

375. Her friends were not the kind you and I have.

376. - Now I ain't gonna be here to look after you no more,

377. so you're gonna have to keep yourself out of trouble.

378. Watch out for them coyotes and them bobcats,

379. and them hunters with guns.

380. Stay out of folks's gardens, 'cause you know how it riles

381. up Granny when you get in hers.

382. Excepting when we're gone,

383. you can have everything that's left.

384. I'm sorry there ain't going to be room enough

385. on the truck to take you along.

386. But maybe you wouldn't like Californy anyhow.

387. Maybe I ain't gonna like it, either.

388. If I don't, then I'ma come and hightailin' it

389. right back here and me and you will set up

390. housekeeping all by ourselves.

391. - Elly?

392. Elly May?

393. - Yeah, Pa, over here.

394. - You feeling all right, Elly?

395. You didn't eat your supper.

396. - Sure, Pa.

397. Just wasn't hungry.

398. - You cold?

399. You shaking like a sumac leaf.

400. - No, Pa, I ain't cold.

401. I'm scared.

402. - Scared?

403. Why?

404. Ain't nothing in this woods can hurt you, even in the dark.

405. - It ain't the woods or the dark.

406. It's going so far away.

407. I don't know what it's gonna be like

408. out there in Beverly Hills.

409. - Why, it's gonna be just like here,

410. except we'll have things a lot nicer.

411. - Will I go to school,

412. and wear fancy dresses like city girls,

413. and put powder on my face,

414. and get my hair all fixed up in

415. one of them there beauty parlors?

416. - Why, sure you will.

417. - Then I ain't going.

418. - Elly.

419. - I want you to meet the Clampetts

420. under different circumstances.

421. You'll find them to be really charming people.

422. - Uh, including Granny?

423. - Oh, yes.

424. This time you'll get a completely different reception,

425. I promise you.

426. - Elly May, you sound the alarm

427. if you see that revenuer man coming!

428. - I will, Granny.

429. - I'll blast him before he gets through that gate.

430. - Of course, even after Mr. Clampett convinced

431. his daughter to leave her animal friends,

432. he still had Granny to contend with.

433. - I guess she didn't like the notion of being uprooted.

434. - That's putting it mildly.

435. The way he tells it, she just downright refused to budge.

436. - Elly, if old Duke sits there with you,

437. there ain't gonna be room for Granny.

438. - Oh, that's all right Pa, Granny ain't goin'.

439. - Who says she ain't?

440. - She says she ain't.

441. - That's right, Uncle Jed.

442. She's a-sitting on the back porch in her rocker,

443. and she says that's as close to Californy

444. as you're gonna get her.

445. We'll see about that.

446. Danged if I ain't got me the muley-est women.

447. First it's Elly, now it's Granny.

448. We ain't never gonna get there.

449. Now, what's all this nonsense

450. about you ain't going to Californy?

451. - Ain't no nonsense to it.

452. If the good Lord had a-wanted me in Californy,

453. he'd a-put me in Californy.

454. - Maybe he's just getting around to it.

455. Folks says he moves in mysterious ways.

456. - Well, if he moves me, I'll go.

457. But you and big Jethro ain't a-budgin' me.

458. Granny, this here Beverly Hills

459. sounds like the kind of place you'd like.

460. That Brewster fella says they got smogs out there.

461. - What's a smog?

462. - Well, me and Jethro figured out that's a small hog.

463. - You heard what Pearl said,

464. they ain't got no snow out there.

465. You could run your still year round.

466. - Runs the year round here.

467. - Yeah, but walking down through the snow

468. to the still always makes you feel so miserable.

469. - I might feel miserable walkin' down.

470. The way I feel coming back makes up for it.

471. Dag nabbit, Granny, we've been planning and talkin'

472. about this trip for days.

473. You never said you wouldn't go.

474. - Never said I would, neither.

475. - But that Brewster feller

476. has bought us a house in them Beverly Hills.

477. He sent our 25 million to the bank out there.

478. - Well, you just chase on out after it.

479. I'm stayin' right here.

480. And I ain't afeared, neither.

481. - Granny, I ain't a-leavin' you here alone.

482. - And I ain't a-budgin' out of this rocker.

483. Let her roll, Jethro!

484. Only a man of Jed Clampett's strength

485. and authority could've handled Granny.

486. - He'll be there when we get

487. to the Clampett place, won't he?

488. - Oh, sure, you have nothing to worry about.

489. There's the entrance up ahead.

490. - Yes, I know.

491. - There's a car stoppin' at the gate, Granny.

492. - They closed the gate since I left.

493. - I'll get it.

494. You know, this reminds me of an experience

495. I had when the Clampetts first moved in.

496. I was leaving and found the gates closed.

497. - Hello, hello.

498. Mr. Clampett, can you hear me?

499. - Yeah, I can hear you.

500. - Good, good.

501. I need your help.

502. Sounds like you inside the wall.

503. - I am.

504. Would you let me out, please?

505. - Well, you bet I will.

506. You stay right where you are.

507. I'll get me a axe and have you out of there in no time.

508. - He demolished ten feet of wall before I could stop him.

509. - Granny, Mr. Drysdale's opening the gate.

510. - Good!

511. He's leading that revenuer right into a trap.

512. You're gonna get it, Mr. Revenuer.

513. Where's my gun?

514. Quick, Jed, shoot him!

515. - We ain't gonna shoot nobody.

516. - He ain't nobody.

517. Revenuers and buzzards don't count.

518. - You go on inside and cook up some vittles.

519. - Since when is a revenuer company?

520. - Mr. Clampett, I'd like you to meet Mr. Landman.

521. - Pleased to meet you, Mr. Clampett.

522. - How do you do, Mr. Landman.

523. Uh, since you're a friend of Mr. Drysdale's here,

524. I reckon you're welcome, but as you can see,

525. we don't cotton to revenuers.

526. - I'm not a revenuer, Mr. Clampett.

527. I guess back in the hills where you come from,

528. I'd be a tax collector.

529. - Back in the hills where I come from,

530. you'd be a lot younger.

531. - Oh?

532. Was the climate that healthy?

533. - No, it's just you wouldn't have lived to get this old.

534. - Jed, is the revenuer staying to supper?

535. - He ain't no revenuer.

536. - Well, is the furriner staying to supper?

537. - How about it, Mr. Landman?

538. You too, Mr. Drysdale.

539. - You're not by any chance cooking

540. mustard greens and possum innards, are you?

541. - Not tonight.

542. - No, we had them last night.

543. - I'll stay.

544. - Me, too.

545. - Tonight we is havin' leftovers.

546. That's the thing about possum innards:

547. they is just as good the second day.