The Beverly Hillbillies 1x26

Directed by Richard Whorf

Rosemary DeCamp as Priscilla Rolfe Alden Smith-Standish • Bea Benaderet as Cousin Pearl Bodine • Harriet MacGibbon as Margaret Drysdale

Pearl wants the family to be in High Society now that their forebears were one of the first families to come to America.(on the Mayflower) Pearl goes to a ""Beauty Saloon "" & comes home speaking French.! She buys outfits for the family & they reluctantly try them on. (Jethro wears a Tou-Tou !) Jed has the chance to meet the President,all he has to do is confirm that his Great Gran Pappy's name is Ezekiel. He tells them his name was Jeremiah & the First Settlers people say they must have the wrong family. Later Granny says to him that she knows he fibbed,but Jed likes the simple life & things get back to normal.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Oil, that is.

2. Black gold.

3. Texas tea.

4. Hills, that is.

5. Swimmin' pools, movie stars.

6. - The Beverly Hillbillies.

7. - Isn't this exciting, Mrs. Drysdale?

8. Discovering that your next-door neighbors

9. may be descendants of the very first settlers?

10. - Well, if it's true.

11. But I just can't believe it.

12. The Clampetts are so uncouth, so unrefined.

13. - I prefer unspoiled.

14. - Yes, Madam President.

15. - Jethro, did you ask your teacher over at Potts School

16. about that music like I told you?

17. - Oh, yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

18. She explained it to me and I got it all wrote down.

19. First of all, that there music is what you call chimes.

20. Them's holler tubes that makes ringin' sounds

21. when struck by a plunger or a striker.

22. - You don't say?

23. - Oh, yes, sir.

24. Now then, there's a reason why them chimes

25. only ring when somebody comes to the door.

26. - Like as if there was a lookout up on the roof a-watchin'.

27. - That's right.

28. You see, there is a little button,

29. and pushing that button makes that plunger hit them chimes.

30. - Well, doggy.

31. - So whilst you go ahead and go to the door,

32. I'm going up on the roof and catch that rascal

33. that's pushin' that button.

34. - Well, howdy, ladies, come in, come in.

35. - Mr. Clampett, good morning.

36. - Good morning, Mr. Clampett.

37. - Have a chitlin.

38. - Oh, what a treat.

39. Of course, thank you.

40. - Thank you.

41. - Where's Granny?

42. - Oh, she's out in the kitchen,

43. stone-grinding some cornmeal.

44. - Stone-grinding cornmeal?

45. Now that's something we must see, Mrs. Drysdale.

46. Come along.

47. - Uh, in a moment, Madam President.

48. Uh, Mr. Clampett, will you tell your Cousin Pearl

49. that my car and chauffer are at her disposal?

50. - Sure will.

51. - Pearl!

52. You gonna eat your chitlin?

53. - Why, oh, yes, of course.

54. Um, by the way, uh, Mr. Clampett, just what is a chitlin?

55. - Oh, these ain't ordinary chitlins.

56. These is Granny's specials.

57. They is possum innards, deep-fried in boilin' hog fat.

58. - Jed?

59. - Pearl, how come you're to be using Mrs. Drysdale's car?

60. - Well, Jed, now that we's high society,

61. I can't be seen riding around in that old truck.

62. - When did we high society?

63. - Since that historical lady found out

64. that your ancestors come to this country

65. before the Mayflower.

66. - What's that got to do with me?

67. - That's the way society works, Jed.

68. The earlier your kinfolk got here,

69. the higher up that puts ya.

70. - I reckon the highest society folks is the Injuns.

71. - No, it don't work that way.

72. - How come?

73. - I don't know how come.

74. - Well, they was here before anybody else.

75. - Now, now, now Jed, let's not try to change the rules.

76. Let's just start enjoyin' the game.

77. Up to now, Mrs. Drysdale's treated us

78. like wet dogs at a wedding.

79. - She has kind of warmed up.

80. - Warmed up?

81. She can't do enough.

82. Why, she's having her chauffer take me

83. to all the fancy stores and then to her beauty saloon.

84. - I'm certain there must be an easier way to grind corn.

85. - Oh, there is.

86. Now back home, we took our turn of corn

87. to the gristmill down by Catfish Creek.

88. Here in Beverly Hills, they ain't got no creek,

89. nor river, to turn the millwheel.

90. So, we have to go back to grindin' corn

91. like we learnt from the Indians.

92. - But surely any supermarket would-

93. - Mrs. Drysdale, this is a priceless experience.

94. A direct contact with the past.

95. You can read about these things,

96. but to actually participate in activities

97. familiar to our ancestors is,

98. it's to hold history in our hands.

99. - I don't think I could hold anything in mine.

100. - Smart a mite, do they?

101. - I'm afraid they do.

102. - Isn't it shameful how soft we've gotten?

103. - Well, you come on over here, Mrs. Drysdale.

104. There ain't nothing like hot, soapy water

105. good for sore hands.

106. - Oh, thank you.

107. - And this here soap will take the sting out of the pain.

108. - You're very kind.

109. - And while you got your hands in the hot, soapy water,

110. why, you might as well do a few of these dishes.

111. - Dishes?

112. - Well, you seemed to set quite a store on handling

113. all of these old, historical pewter pots and pans.

114. - Oh, I do. I do.

115. Uh, but I have to meet my husband at his bank.

116. Immediately.

117. In fact, I'm late now.

118. - Don't you worry, Mrs. Drysdale.

119. I'll save up a bunch of thrills for you.

120. Like churnin', and lye-makin' and corn-huskin'

121. and chicken-pluckin', and goat-milkin'.

122. - Aah!

123. - By dingies, she does enjoy it.

124. Did you see her running so she could hurry back? (laughing)

125. - Now, whose idea was the two baby goats?

126. - Elly May's.

127. - As if I didn't know.

128. I declare, girl, you are the limit

129. when it comes to dragging home critters.

130. All I sent you fer was a couple of chickens

131. and a milking goat for Granny.

132. - I know, Pa, but these little rascals cried something awful

133. when we commenced to taking their ma away from 'em.

134. - Oh, dear, I forgot that Pearl has my car.

135. - Well, Mrs. Drysdale, is there some place you gotta go?

136. - Yes, to the bank, to see Milburn.

137. I'll call a cab.

138. - Oh, no, no.

139. That'd be downright unneighborly of us let you do that

140. when Jethro and Elly May can drive you down there.

141. - Sure will.

142. - In this truck?

143. - Yeah, one good turn deserves another.

144. - After all, you let Pearl take your car.

145. - Oh, yeah, and you can have the back seat

146. all to yourself, Mrs. Drysdale.

147. - Oh, I'm in a terrible hurry.

148. I'd better go ah, call a cab.

149. - Ain't nobody can get you there

150. faster than we can, Mrs. Drysdale.

151. - Don't worry, Mrs. Drysdale.

152. This hickory bench is tied on good and tight.

153. - Yeah, but I-

154. - Here, Mrs. Drysdale.

155. You can hold that little feller

156. so he won't bother me when I drive.

157. - Oh.

158. Oh!

159. - Now, remember, she's in a hurry,

160. but, uh, drive careful, Jethro.

161. - Well, I think I better, uh.

162. I better not go with you.

163. I...

164. Oh!

165. - Hee-haw!

166. - Everyone is staring at me.

167. - I bet you it's that beautiful new hat they's a-lookin' at.

168. - Do you have to drive down the main street

169. of Beverly Hills?

170. - It's the quickest way to the bank, Mrs. Drysdale,

171. and you said you was in a hurry.

172. One side, everybody!

173. Get out of the way!

174. - Move away for Mrs. Drysdale!

175. - Move over! - Please, please!

176. - We's doing the best we can, Mrs. Drysdale.

177. (Ellie May whistling) - Move over!

178. - Get out of the way!

179. - Ah!

180. Oh, please!

181. - That's the ticket, Mrs. Drysdale,

182. make a noise like a sireen!

183. - That'll move those cars out of the way!

184. - Come on, move over!

185. - Ah!

186. Ah! Ah!

187. Oh!

188. - Margaret.

189. - Mrs. Drysdale.

190. - Did you come through the bank in this condition?

191. Shame on you.

192. How could you explain this?

193. - The Clampetts.

194. - I don't want to hear any more complaints

195. about the Clampetts.

196. Oh, they may be a bit unrefined,

197. but at least they don't run around the streets

198. of Beverly Hills smashed.

199. - What happened to your beautiful spring hat?

200. - Oh!

201. - Oh, boy, a crying jag.

202. Get some coffee,

203. I'll, I'll get her walking.

204. Margaret, I can't underst, I can't understand this.

205. I have never seen you take a drink before the cocktail hour.

206. - Let go of me!

207. - Margaret, Margaret, please, please lie down.

208. - I will not.

209. - Now, you're not gonna be one of those kind

210. of drunks, are you?

211. - I am not intoxicated, I am mortified.

212. - The word is ossified.

213. - Will you listen to me?

214. The Clampetts are to blame for this.

215. - Oh, of course, of course.

216. And I suppose Granny gave you some of her corn?

217. - A huge bowl like this.

218. - Oh, boy.

219. - Here we are, Mrs. Drysdale.

220. Have a sip of this.

221. - Thank you, I shall.

222. Oh, that does help.

223. - Tell me, confidentially, what did happen to your hat?

224. - It was eaten by a goat. (sobbing)

225. - Have some more coffee, Margaret.

226. - Mrs. Drysdale, you really must get a grip on yourself.

227. Now, if Mrs. Smith-Standish verifies

228. that the Clampetts are indeed first family material,

229. then you, too, will be in the spotlight.

230. - I'll be in the hospital.

231. - Oh, Margaret.

232. - So help me, if those uncouth hillbillies

233. become my social peers, life will cease to be worth living.

234. Oh, Miss Hathaway, take me home.

235. - Of course.

236. - Oh, uh, Margaret? Margaret?

237. What happened to your car?

238. Did it get smashed, too?

239. - Cousin Pearl has it.

240. Oh!

241. - You get Mrs. Drysdale down to the bank all right?

242. - Sure did, Uncle Jed.

243. We got the goat tied out back in the kitchen.

244. - Granny milk it yet?

245. - No, she's savin' her for Mrs. Drysdale.

246. - Take this out to the kitchen.

247. Mrs. Smith-Standish wants to look at them

248. old things in there.

249. - Okay, Uncle Jed.

250. - Well, come in, whoever you are.

251. - Bonjour, Jed.

252. - Who are you?

253. - Pearl.

254. S'il vous plait.

255. - Pearl who?

256. - Your cousin.

257. - Pearl!

258. What'd they do to you at that beauty saloon?

259. - That's salon, s'il vous plait.

260. And they made me glamorous.

261. - They ruined your hair.

262. They took out all the color and the curl, too.

263. - This ain't my hair.

264. This is what you call a flatter wig.

265. All them high society women is wearin' them now.

266. - How come, ain't they got no hair of their own?

267. - Of course they have.

268. But variety is the spice of life, s'il vous plait.

269. - What's that see voo play?

270. - I thought you'd never ask.

271. That there's French.

272. - What does it mean?

273. - I don't know.

274. But all them society women in the beauty salon

275. kept a-saying it to the fellas that was fixing their hair.

276. I tell you, Jed, we got to learn us some French

277. if we're gonna be in high society.

278. Oh, uh, Mr. Chauffer,

279. you, you may go, s'il vous plait.

280. - Very good, madam.

281. Good day, sir.

282. - Yes sir, sure is, if it don't rain.

283. - Jed, that's the way to live.

284. A big limousine and a livered chauffer.

285. And then folks just know you's high society.

286. All you got to do is say a few of them French words,

287. and they go to bowin' and scrapin' all over the place!

288. - What's all this stuff?

289. - Them surprises for everybody.

290. High society surprises.

291. - You ain't getting me in one of them wigs.

292. - Uncle Jed.

293. Uncle Jed, Granny wants-

294. - Bonjour, monsieur.

295. - Who's she?

296. - I'm your ma.

297. Uh, s'il vous plait, n'est pas?

298. - Ma!

299. Where'd you learn how to speak Italian?

300. Granny! Elly May!

301. Come look at Ma.

302. She fell headfirst in a flour barrel.

303. - We got our work cut out for us,

304. making high society out of that'n.

305. - You can see voo play that again.

306. - Aunt Pearl!

307. - Elly May, high society ladies

308. don't go round carrying goats.

309. - Well, Mrs. Drysdale held one on her lap

310. all the way to the bank.

311. Didn't she, Jethro?

312. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

313. - What's all the commotion in here?

314. - Lookee yonder at glamorous Cousin Pearl.

315. - Will you kindly tell me what is all so fired funny?

316. - You. (laughing)

317. - You wouldn't know a high society woman if you'd see one.

318. - Well, I sure don't see one around here.

319. - Hey, look at all the fine surprises here

320. Cousin Pearl brung for us.

321. - What'd you bring us, Aunt Pearl?

322. - What'd you bring for me, Ma?

323. - Now, now, you'll find out.

324. Now, I did a lot of checking today,

325. and I found out that high society folks,

326. especially rich ones like us,

327. they have what you call hobbies.

328. Hobbies and sports.

329. - What's them?

330. - Them's things to keep them busy,

331. 'cause they don't do no work.

332. - Well, that leaves me out.

333. - No, no, Granny, it's all right to work,

334. as long as the other high society people

335. don't know you work.

336. You see, high society folk is always bored.

337. - How come?

338. - I ain't sure.

339. Probably 'cause they don't work.

340. - Well, uh, why don't they just work

341. and not bother with the-

342. - Now, Jed, let's not go to changin' the rules again.

343. We're just gettin' into the game.

344. - All right, Pearl, tell us what you want to do.

345. - Well, Mrs. Smith-Standish said they might be wantin'

346. to take our picture for the high society page

347. in the newspaper.

348. So, I figure we gotta look like high society.

349. Now, all of you go and put your clothes on,

350. and when Miss Smith-Standish sees us,

351. she won't have to be shamed.

352. - I don't think I want to get mixed up in this nonsense.

353. - Granny, please?

354. - Aw, come on, Granny.

355. Since it pleasures Pearl so much, it can't hurt us none.

356. Besides, Pearl knows a lot more about

357. high society than we do.

358. - Thank you, Jed.

359. - Pardon, Mrs. Smith-Standish.

360. - Well, Mrs. Bodine.

361. What a-a beautiful gown.

362. - Merci.

363. This is my tea-drinkin', bridge-playin' dress.

364. S'il vous plait.

365. - Oh, you speak French.

366. - Oh, yes. I mean, oui.

367. - Uh, well you see, I speak it,

368. but I don't quite understand it yet.

369. Mrs. Smith-Standish, uh,

370. didn't you say that they might

371. want some pictures of us for the paper?

372. - Oh, yes, if my research data's corroborated

373. at FFTA in Virginia, why, uh,

374. pictures of the Clampett family

375. will be on front pages of newspapers

376. all over this country.

377. - That'll include me, won't it?

378. - [Mrs. Smith-Standish] Of course.

379. - Well, I just want you to know,

380. you won't have to be shamed of us.

381. - Now, why would I be ashamed?

382. - Well, you know, not having much education,

383. and culture, and hobbies, and not speaking French and all.

384. Uh, that is, the others.

385. Well, you don't have to worry,

386. 'cause I been a-workin' on 'em,

387. and you're gonna be proud when you see 'em.

388. Now, you sit right here, and I'll introduce 'em one by one.

389. Uh, Jed?

390. Mrs. Smith-Standish, it gives me great pleasure

391. to present my blood cousin,

392. that international millionaire

393. and high society sportsman, Mr. J.D. Clampett.

394. Jed!

395. Do something, Jed.

396. Uh, polo fer us.

397. - I don't know how you polo.

398. I feel like a dang fool.

399. By the look of this thing, I don't know whether

400. you snare 'em, or knock them off trees.

401. - Well, you go and sit over there, Jed.

402. We'll be drinkin' tea and playin' bridge directly.

403. Granny, you're next.

404. And now, it gives me great pleasure

405. to present that famous high society dowager,

406. and international sportswoman, Granny,

407. whose favorite hobby is big-game huntin' in darkest Africa.

408. - Pearl.

409. It's a good thing for you this gun ain't loaded.

410. - Granny, you go on over there and sit down

411. and we're gonna have tea and bridge.

412. Now, uh, those of us who is high society knows

413. there just ain't nothin' more cultured than ballet dancin'.

414. And so, it gives me great pleasure to present them wealthy,

415. bored, international young'uns whose favorite hobby

416. is ballet dancin', Elly May and Jethro.

417. - [Mrs. Smith-Standish] How beautiful.

418. - That's only half.

419. Come on out, Jethro.

420. - I ain't gonna do it.

421. - Jethro, come on out.

422. - I don't want to, Ma.

423. - You look fine, you're just dripping culture.

424. - Mrs. Bodine, uh, Jethro shouldn't be wearing this tutu.

425. It-

426. - See, Ma? I told ya.

427. - Well, I know it ain't big enough,

428. but it's fine for the pictures.

429. No, wait a minute.

430. Wait, wait! Wait, come back!

431. We ain't had tea and bridge yet!

432. - Pearl.

433. Pearl!

434. Pearl?

435. - Go away.

436. - Aw, Pearl, come on out.

437. Don't sit in there and sulk.

438. Mrs. Smith-Standish wants us to show her

439. how to do the Virginia reel.

440. - You show it to her.

441. I ain't in no mood for dancin'.

442. - We can't dance it without you.

443. Come on, everybody's gettin' all dressed up.

444. - I had you all dressed up and you run out on me.

445. - Pearl, we just ain't ready for society that high.

446. Now, Mrs. Smith-Standish wants us all

447. to get dressed for reeling.

448. Come on out, you can wear your store-boughten hair.

449. - I can't neither! It's gone.

450. - Did that old goat get it?

451. Crazy enough to eat anything.

452. - I have the most dreadful premonition

453. that I'm making a terrible mistake in coming back here.

454. - Oh, think of your career.

455. Mrs. Smith-Standish has virtually promised

456. to support your candidacy for West Coast vice president

457. of the FFT of A.

458. - Margaret Emerson Drysdale.

459. Vice President of the Women's Federation

460. for the Preservation and Perpetuation

461. of the First Family Traditions of America,

462. West.

463. It does rather roll off the tongue, doesn't it?

464. - It has a ring to it, mmm.

465. - But I promise you, here and now,

466. I'll wash no more dishes,

467. I'll grind no more corn,

468. and I'll make no more soap.

469. These aristocratic hands were only meant to hold

470. a vice president's gavel.

471. - Oh, you're doing beautifully, Mrs. Drysdale.

472. I'm proud of you.

473. - She sure got the hands for it, ain't she?

474. - Mrs. Drysdale, your husband's here.

475. He's gonna dance with us.

476. - Thank goodness.

477. Oh, my hands.

478. My hands.

479. They'll never be the same again.

480. - There's nothin' like milking a goat to pretty the hands.

481. - Oh!

482. - Come on, Granny, we're gettin' ready

483. for the Virginia reel.

484. I'll fetch your lap organ in for you.

485. - Oh, Mrs. Drysdale, have you seen this

486. priceless antique lap organ?

487. - Oh, so that's what it is.

488. I mean, it's marvelous.

489. - You like music, Mrs. Drysdale?

490. - I adore music.

491. Especially the authentic lap organ.

492. - I reckon Granny will let you have a turn,

493. won't you, Granny?

494. - Why, sure.

495. - Mrs. Drysdale, did you hear that?

496. Oh, what a red-letter day this is for you.

497. - Oh, yes, indeed it is, Madam President.

498. - Well, come on, let's get in there and get at it.

499. Let's go!

500. Yee-haw!

501. - Woo-hoo!

502. - Let's go!

503. - Wee-hee!

504. - Phew!

505. - Somebody's gonna have to spell Mrs. Drysdale.

506. She's all pumped out.

507. - Excuse me.

508. Mrs. Smith-Standish, you're wanted on the telephone,

509. long distance from Virginia.

510. - Oh, that's headquarters.

511. Mr. Clampett, if our genealogical records confirm

512. those entries in your family Bible,

513. you will make headlines from coast to coast.

514. Your pictures will be in every newspaper.

515. - Yee-hoo!

516. - Whoopie!

517. - As direct descendants of the first family

518. to settle Jamestown, you'll be celebrities, all of you.

519. You'll be on radio, television,

520. flown to New York for a ticker-tape parade.

521. Then on to Washington to meet the president,

522. address a joint session of Congress.

523. Statues will be erected of you.

524. - Excuse me, the telephone.

525. - Let her roll, Miss Hathaway.

526. - Oh, oh, she's right.

527. I've got to come down to earth

528. long enough to get confirmation.

529. Excuse me.

530. Mrs. Smith-Standish speaking.

531. Yes. Yes!

532. Oh, well, that was the entry in the old Bible

533. I couldn't quite make out.

534. Oh, well, Mr. Clampett is right here,

535. I'm sure he'll be able to give us confirmation immediately.

536. Mr. Clampett, if your great-grandfather's name was Ezekiel,

537. you are the Clampett the world is waiting to discover.

538. - Well, now, I, I kind of hate to disappoint you, ma'am,

539. but, uh, his name was Jeremiah.

540. - I could've told you that, Madam President.

541. - Oh.

542. - Not for one moment was I fooled.

543. - I'm sorry, no.

544. There seems to have been some kind of a mistake.

545. - Jed?

546. What's ailin' you?

547. You know doggone good and well

548. your great-grandpappy's name was Ezekiel.

549. - Yeah, I know, Granny.

550. But what would a ol' mountain goat like me

551. have to say to the President and Congress?

552. Come on, everybody, let's have another Virginia reel!

553. Yeee!

554. Salute your partner!