1. - "The
Beverly hillbillies."
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2. - Howdy, Pearl. Have
a nice trip into town?
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3. - No, I didn't.
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4. Every place we went,
folks stared at us.
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5. - Well, Pearl, you
gotta expect that.
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6. Handsome woman like you,
dressed to the teeth,
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7. showin' a pretty ankle.
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8. Folks are bound to stare.
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9. - If you ask me,
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10. they were staring
at this old truck.
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11. I know it's mine, Jed,
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12. but it just ain't fittin'
for Beverly Hills.
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13. - You know what a couple of
people yelled at us, Uncle Jed?
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14. They yelled, "Get a horse."
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15. - I reckon they'd
stare more at a horse.
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16. - Jed, why don't
you get one of them
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17. big, shiny limousines,
like Mr. Drysdale?
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18. - Oh, this old
truck's right handy
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19. for fetchin' and totin'.
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20. Needs a little polish
here and there.
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21. Jethro, you get you
a piece of brick
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22. and haulin' all this
rust off of here
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23. and then go over the
whole thing with coal oil.
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24. - Say, Uncle Jed, if
you was to get yourself
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25. one of them there
fancy limousines,
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26. I could be your chauffeur and
drive you around in style.
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27. - Yeah.
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28. You could sit in the
back seat, all duded up,
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29. and folks would think you was
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30. a duke or an earl or something.
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31. - Yeah.
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32. - Oh, I don't reckon
I'd fool nobody.
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33. 'Sides, I ain't
particular anxious
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34. to have folks think
I'm somethin' I ain't.
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35. - You're a millionaire.
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36. Well, I betcha that's just
as good as a duke or earl.
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37. - All right, Jethro,
and take her around
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38. and go to polishin'.
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39. - You know, Jed,
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40. Mr. Drysdale could help
you get into high society.
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41. And you could join one
of those fancy clubs
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42. and go to stylish parties
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43. and get my picture in the paper.
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44. I mean, get your
picture in the paper.
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45. - But I don't hanker
for high society, Pearl.
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46. But if you do, I'll
speak to Mr. Drysdale.
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47. They tell me that when
it comes to society,
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48. his wife is one of the
first hogs to the trough.
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49. It ain't for me, Jed,
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50. but it sure would be
nice for Elly May.
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51. Why, she could be a debutante
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52. and have a coming out party and-
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53. - What's that?
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54. - Well, it's a party where
unmarried society girls
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55. meet unmarried society fellas.
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56. Why, Elly May and
me could get a,
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57. that is, Elly May could
get a husband in no time.
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58. - Jed, you got my
butter churn patched up?
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59. - Well, I ain't got it
quite finished yet, Granny.
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60. - Jed, do you have to do your
chores out here in front,
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61. where everyone can see you?
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62. - Well, no, Pearl, but
the light's better here.
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63. And these iron chairs here
make good work benches.
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64. - What will the neighbors think,
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65. with all this stuff out here?
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66. - Pearl's right, Jed.
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67. It does look like
we's showin' off.
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68. - Showing off?
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69. - I bet there's not another
family in Beverly Hills
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70. that has a butter
churn like that one.
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71. - Pa?
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72. You got Granny's
spinning-wheel fixed?
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73. She's gonna show me how to
make Lindsey-woolsey thread.
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74. - Oh, how am I ever
gonna get this family
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75. in high society?
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76. - What's that, Aunt Pearl?
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77. - Well, society is where a
bunch of high-class folks
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78. do a bunch of high-class things.
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79. - Like what?
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80. - Well, like drinkin'
tea and playin' bridge
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81. and havin' parties
and gettin' dressed up
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82. and goin' to the opry,
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83. and gettin' wrote
up in the paper.
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84. Oh, I give up.
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85. You can't make silk
purses out of sows' ears.
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86. - If Pearl's so
dad-blame anxious
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87. to drink some tea,
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88. I could make her
any kind she wants.
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89. And then throw her
some slippery elm
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90. or some sassafras.
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91. - I don't reckon
it's the tea so much
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92. as who she's drinking
it with, Granny.
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93. Pearl would like to get in
with them society women,
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94. like Ms. Drysdale.
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95. - Yeah.
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96. Pearl always was one to want
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97. better than what
she could afford.
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98. - That's Pearl.
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99. Too poor to paint and
too proud to whitewash.
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100. - And while I'm sure
that the bank examiners
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101. will find our fiscal
situation to be sound,
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102. I am extremely anxious-
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103. - Oh, Milburn,
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104. Miss. Hathaway, do
you know who's coming?
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105. - Yes. The bank examiners.
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106. - I'm sure they'll find
your bank ever so tidy.
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107. Now, to important matters.
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108. I have just received
this telegram
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109. from Priscilla Rolfe
Alden Smith-Standish.
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110. She has consented to
become our houseguest.
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111. - Oh, surely you're jesting?
- No.
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112. - Well, Priscilla Rolfe
Alden Smith-Standish
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113. is going to be
staying at our house?
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114. - Yes, indeed, Milburn.
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115. - Well, who in
blue blazes is she?
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116. - Miss Hathaway,
did you hear that?
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117. Milburn, how can you be so
uninformed and run a bank?
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118. - Well, I have you
helping me, dear.
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119. - Thank goodness.
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120. Mrs. Smith-Standish
is only the president
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121. of the women's federation
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122. for the preservation
and perpetuation
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123. of the F.F.T. of A.
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124. - First Family
Traditions of America.
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125. - Well, bully for
the F.F.T. of A.
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126. But I'm expecting
the S.B.E. of C.
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127. State Bank Examiners
of California.
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128. - Thank you.
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129. - Oh, wait Milburn.
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130. Do I have your permission to
put everything in readiness
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131. for the arrival of
Mrs. Smith-Standish?
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132. - Oh, you have, indeed.
- Good.
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133. I'll have the Clampetts
moved out, immediately.
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134. - Fine.
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135. What?
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136. Margaret, come back here.
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137. Now, what were you saying
about the Clampetts?
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138. - I intend to rid
our neighborhood
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139. of those uncouth,
unsightly hillbillies,
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140. before the arrival of our
prestigious houseguest.
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141. - You do and the president
of the F.F.T. of A.,
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142. will be staying at
the Y.W.C.A. with you.
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143. - Milburn.
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144. - When are you going to
get it through your head
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145. that Jed Clampett's money
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146. is one of the
pillars of this bank?
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147. - Mrs. Drysdale, if
you'd only take the time
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148. to get to know the Clampetts,
I'm sure you'd agree
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149. that they're basically
very fine people.
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150. - Surely, you are not suggesting
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151. that I mingle with
them socially,
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152. introduce my friends to them.
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153. - Oh, no. Don't do that.
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154. They'll move away for sure.
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155. - It's obvious that I'll
get no understanding
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156. or cooperation here.
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157. I should have
listened to Mother.
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158. She warned me against marrying
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159. a common bank president.
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160. - It'll work good now, Granny.
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161. What room do you
want me to put it in?
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162. - Well, I reckon in
the kitchen, Jed.
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163. And whilst I'm showing
Elly how to work it,
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164. I can watch my vittles cookin'.
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165. - I gotta do a little
more fixin' on the bobbin.
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166. - I'll have that
out in a minute.
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167. - All right.
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168. - Is it hard to learn, Granny?
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169. - Well, it's a mite
tricky at first.
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170. But once you catch
on to mixin' the wool
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171. and the flax together,
it comes easy.
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172. - Don't you go to weavin'
and spinnin' in here.
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173. I just scrubbed and
polished this floor,
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174. and I don't want no
Lindsey-woolsey dust
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175. from that crazy old
contraption messin' it up.
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176. - What do you mean,
"crazy old contraption"?
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177. - I mean that old thing.
Now get it out of here.
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178. - Well, shall I put it
in the kitchen, Granny?
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179. - You put that smack dab
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180. right in the middle
of this room.
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181. - Don't you dare.
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182. This floor is clean
enough to eat off of.
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183. - Good.
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184. Elly, fetch my poppin'
jowls off of the stove.
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185. - You splatter one drop of
jowl juice on this floor,
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186. and I'll wrap this spinnin'
wheel around your neck.
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187. - You touch that spinnin' wheel,
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188. and there'll be
more than jowl juice
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189. splattered on this floor.
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190. - You lay a hand on me
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191. and I'll bash you
over the head so hard
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192. you're shoes will
have three toes.
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193. - Drive on out to the airport
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194. and pick up Mrs. Smith-Standish.
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195. I have some slum-clearance
work to perform.
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196. - Well, howdy there,
Mrs. Drysdale.
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197. It sure is a nice surprise
to have you come and visit.
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198. Pearl and me was just talkin'
about you this mornin'.
Copy !req
199. Pearl's got a hankerin'
to get into society,
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200. and I says, "well,
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201. I hear a tell when
it comes to society,
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202. Ms. Drysdale's one of the
first hogs to the trough."
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203. Say, you're looking a mite
green around the gills.
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204. Come on inside and have
a mess of Granny's, uh,
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205. jowls and sorghum.
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206. That'll put you to
feelin' bushy-tailed.
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207. - Mr. Clampett,
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208. I'm expecting very
important company.
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209. Priscilla Rolfe
Alden Smith-Standish.
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210. - Well, bring 'em along.
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211. We got plenty for
the whole bunch.
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212. - Mr. Clampett,
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213. Priscilla Rolfe
Alden Smith-Standish
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214. is only one woman,
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215. and probably the world's
greatest authority
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216. on colonial history,
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217. early American
genealogical origins,
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218. and 17th and 18th
century artifacts.
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219. And she is the
esteemed president
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220. of the F.F.T. of A.
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221. - Well, we sure would
be proud to meet her.
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222. I shall call upon every resource
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223. to overt such a
social catastrophe.
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224. - Well, thank you very kindly.
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225. - May I send a truck
to pick up this debris?
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226. - Well, I don't know.
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227. I'm sure Granny'd let you
use anything you wanted,
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228. but I don't think
she wants to sell it.
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229. - I would only want it
for the rubbish collector.
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230. - Yeah, you're right.
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231. They'd make nice
gifts, but like I said-
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232. - Oh, enough of this
time grows short.
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233. - You are a disgrace
to Beverly Hills.
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234. You and this pile of junk.
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235. Why don't you go
back to the woods
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236. and live in a cave,
where you belong?
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237. - Bravo. My
sentiments precisely.
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238. You are indeed a disgrace.
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239. And the sooner you leave
this lovely community,
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240. the better.
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241. - Just a doggone minute fatso.
- Fatso?
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242. - You be careful what
you say to our granny.
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243. - Now, Pearl, no, no, no.
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244. - How dare her to
say them things
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245. about sweet little Granny.
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246. - Pearl?
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247. I hope you ain't in no hurry
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248. to get into high society.
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249. I just don't think
that Mrs. Drysdale
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250. is gonna be too quick
about givin' you a leg up.
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251. - You say Mrs. Drysdale is here?
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252. - Yes, ma'am.
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253. If it's all right, I'll take
the bags on over to her house.
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254. - Of course. Thank you.
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255. - There goes that
dad-blasted music again.
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256. One of these days,
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257. I'm gonna tear out
all these walls
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258. and find out where that
music's comin' from.
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259. - Granny says there's
ghosts playin' that music.
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260. - Maybe it's the rascal
that used to live here.
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261. - Sure don't know many tunes.
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262. He keeps playin' the same
one over and over again.
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263. - Jethro, why don't
you ask your teacher
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264. over at the Potts
school about that music?
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265. - I'll do it, Uncle Jed.
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266. But one thing I know for sure,
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267. somebody's gonna
come to that door.
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268. They always do when
you hear that music.
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269. See.
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270. - You sure had it pegged right.
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271. By the way, your ma
wants you in the kitchen.
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272. Well, howdy, ma'am.
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273. - Tell me, is this
your loom out here?
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274. - No, ma'am. That
belongs to Granny.
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275. - May I speak to her, please?
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276. - You sure can. Come on in.
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277. - I have reason to believe-
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278. Ah, what have we here?
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279. - Well, that there is
my daughter, Elly May.
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280. - A spinning wheel.
Where did you get it?
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281. - It's Granny's.
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282. She says it's been in her family
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283. a couple hundred
years or better.
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284. - I've got to meet
Granny immediately.
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285. Oh, forgive me. I'm
Mrs. Smith-Standish.
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286. - Well, howdy, ma'am.
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287. I'm Jed Clampett and like I say,
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288. this here is my
daughter, Elly May.
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289. - How do you do?
- Howdy.
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290. - Granny's out in the
kitchen churning butter.
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291. Why don't you run and
fetch her, Elly May.
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292. - Oh, no, please.
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293. Churning butter?
You mean, by hand?
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294. - Oh, no, ma'am, with a churn.
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295. That's another thing
that's been in their family
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296. a powerful long time.
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297. - Take me to her,
will you, please?
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298. - I'd be pleasured, ma'am.
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299. - Ain't no use, Granny.
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300. You can't get a polish
on this pewter junk.
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301. - Do the best you can, Pearl.
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302. - How can a body
set a decent table
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303. with this kind of stuff?
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304. Why, if we was to have company,
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305. we'd all be disgraced.
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306. - How enchanting.
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307. A vignette from the past.
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308. Oh, don't move.
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309. What a picture.
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310. The homespun dress,
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311. the colonial dust cap,
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312. the churn,
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313. the pewter,
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314. the old coffee mill.
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315. Oh, it's a tableau
from another century.
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316. - Who do you reckon
she is, Pearl?
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317. - Dogged if I know.
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318. - May I get some pictures?
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319. - What kind of pictures?
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320. - Still pictures.
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321. - She's a dad-blamed revenuer.
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322. Close the door Pearl,
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323. we've got you trapped.
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324. - Now, hold on, Granny.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
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325. - There, you let
her take your gun.
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326. Now, you have to thrash
her with your bare hands.
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327. - I don't figure this
lady is no revenuer.
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328. She's just powerful
took with old things.
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329. - How long have
you had this rifle?
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330. - Well, my pa gave it to
me. His pa gave to him.
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331. I reckon his pa done the same.
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332. - Marvelous.
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333. And the churn. How
long have you had this?
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334. - Granny?
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335. Ain't that the churn
that saved your
Copy !req
336. great-great-granny
from the injuns?
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337. - It sure is.
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338. - Oh, tell me about
it, would you?
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339. - Well,
Copy !req
340. my great-great-granny
was a-totin' this churn
Copy !req
341. from the cow barn to the cabin,
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342. when two big Indians
Copy !req
343. jumped out of the
woods to scalp her.
Copy !req
344. She had beautiful hair,
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345. just like mine.
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346. - Get on with the story, Granny.
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347. - Well, she was out of
sorts to begin with,
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348. 'cause it was a hot day.
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349. And the butter kept a-meltin'.
Copy !req
350. And with them two redskins
trying to snatch her hair,
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351. that riled her up but good.
Copy !req
352. So she yanked up the dasher
Copy !req
353. and she whomped one
of them with it.
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354. Then she upended the
churn over the other one.
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355. That old indian ran
out into the woods,
Copy !req
356. all covered with
hot, melted butter.
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357. He hadn't gone 50 feet
Copy !req
358. when a great big old bear
came out of the woods,
Copy !req
359. grabbed that old rascal
and ripped him to death.
Copy !req
360. - What a wonderful story.
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361. - From then on,
Copy !req
362. every day that old
bear would come around,
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363. looking for Granny to send him
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364. another hot buttered Indian.
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365. - Milburn,
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366. do you know what that is?
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367. - No, what is it?
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368. - That is a hog jowl.
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369. - Oh, well thanks, dear,
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370. but I have other
plans for lunch.
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371. - I have just been pelted
with those repulsive objects
Copy !req
372. by your friends
and our neighbors,
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373. the Clampetts.
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374. Milburn, this is the last straw.
Copy !req
375. Call out the militia.
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376. Have the neighborhood rezoned.
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377. Write our congressman.
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378. Do anything that's necessary,
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379. but get rid of
those hillbillies.
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380. - Oh, Margaret they're
not a bad sort.
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381. - They're barbarians.
Copy !req
382. And I warn you, Milburn,
Copy !req
383. just as they brought
about the decay of Rome,
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384. so Beverly Hills
will crumble and-
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385. - Oh, please, Margaret relax.
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386. - Oh, you don't understand
such things as class war.
Copy !req
387. You are of common birth.
Copy !req
388. We of the aristocracy
have always had to feel
Copy !req
389. the hostility of peasants.
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390. I tell you, Milburn, those
Clampetts are dangerous.
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391. If they'll attack me
with hot hog jowls,
Copy !req
392. think what they might
do to a woman like
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393. Priscilla Rolfe
Alden Smith-Standish.
Copy !req
394. And she's due to
arrive any moment.
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395. - Oh, she has arrived,
Mrs. Drysdale.
Copy !req
396. Your chauffeur just phoned.
Copy !req
397. He dropped her off
at the Clampetts,
Copy !req
398. thinking you were there.
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399. - Oh, they have her.
Copy !req
400. She's been delivered into
the hands of those savages.
Copy !req
401. Well, get those
savages on the phone.
Copy !req
402. We'll prove to Margaret that
everything is all right.
Copy !req
403. - This may be the
oldest piece of pewter,
Copy !req
404. ever to be found
on this continent.
Copy !req
405. - Now, I'm just mortified,
Mrs. Smith-Standish.
Copy !req
406. I've been after cousin Jed
to get rid of all this junk.
Copy !req
407. Now that he has money, I'm
gonna throw it all out.
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408. - No, no, please.
It's priceless.
Copy !req
409. - Say, Mrs. Smith-Standish,
if you like old things,
Copy !req
410. just wait until you
get into this trunk.
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411. You'll be happy as a
heifer in red clover.
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412. - Oh, marvelous.
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413. Unbelievable.
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414. Is this your family bible?
Copy !req
415. - Well, no, not any
more. It got too old.
Copy !req
416. Commenced to crispin'
and flakin' off,
Copy !req
417. so they pitched in
and got another one
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418. about 100 years ago,
it's in the parlor.
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419. - Oh, I'll get it, Uncle Jed.
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420. Hello.
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421. - Dedicated to Queen Elizabeth.
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422. - Oh, yes, ma'am, this Jethro.
- Ah, Mr. Clampett.
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423. - This is an original
Geneva Bible.
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424. It's sometimes called
the Puritan Bible,
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425. 400 years old.
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426. - Oh, why, yes,
ma'am, Miss. Hathaway.
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427. She's right here.
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428. You're wanted on
the phone, ma'am.
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429. - Not now, tell them
I'm all tied up.
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430. - Hello?
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431. She can't talk right now.
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432. She's all tied up in
Uncle Jed's trunk.
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433. Hello? Hello?
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434. - Oh. Oh. Oh.
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435. - I thought the fresh
air would revive her.
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436. - Oh, Milburn, what if they've
strangled my president,
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437. or she suffocates in that trunk?
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438. - Mrs. Drysdale, I am
certain the Clampetts
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439. would not do violent harm
to Mrs. Smith-Standish.
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440. Jethro has a way of
confusing the facts.
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441. - I can't tell you
how thrilled I am
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442. to participate in this
historical recreation.
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443. - No, honey, this is
what you call "spinnin."
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444. Now, you gotta hold
your thread tight.
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445. - I will. I will.
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446. - Oh. Oh. Oh.
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447. Untie this woman.
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448. - Madam President,
what have they done to?
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449. Milburn, call the police.
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450. I want these ruffians seized
and hanged immediately.
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451. - What are you doing?
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452. - Rescuing you from
the grimy clutches
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453. of these peasants.
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454. - Peasants?
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455. My dear Mrs. Drysdale, it
may interest you to know
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456. that I have established,
almost beyond a doubt,
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457. that Mr. Clampett here
is a direct descendant
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458. of the first man to come ashore
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459. at Jamestown,
Virginia, May 13, 1607.
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460. - What?
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461. You mean-
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462. - I mean that when your
family and my family
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463. arrived on the Mayflower,
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464. his family was waiting for them.
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465. - Oh, oh, oh.
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466. Oh, Mrs. Smith-Standish,
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467. surely there must be
some ghastly mistake.
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468. Perhaps you're in
a state of shock
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469. from the way these
people mistreated you.
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470. - I've never been more
hospitably treated in my life.
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471. I've dined on hog
jowls, sorghum,
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472. homemade bread,
fresh churned butter
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473. served on pottery that
might've been unearthed
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474. at Williamsburg.
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475. And I've eaten
this delicious food
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476. with ancient pewter implements
that would grace any museum.
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477. - That reminds me, I
better go wash them dishes.
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478. - Oh, Granny, you know,
I'm sure that Mrs. Drysdale
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479. would consider it an
honor and a pleasure
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480. if you would permit her to
wash these historic dishes.
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481. - What?
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482. - Oh, she would, indeed,
consider it an honor,
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483. wouldn't you, Margaret?
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484. - Well, whatever Madam
President says, of course.
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485. - Well, I better come along.
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486. See if I've got enough lye soap.
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487. - Lye soap? How ghastly.
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488. - Made it myself.
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489. - You make your own lye soap?
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490. - Got to.
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491. You can't buy it
in Beverly Hills.
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492. I offered to show Mrs.
Drysdale how to make it,
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493. but she didn't care to learn.
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494. - Mrs. Drysdale,
am I to understand
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495. that you are ignorant
of the process
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496. by which your own colonial
ancestors made their soap?
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497. - Well, Madam President, I-
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498. - Oh, your education is
being shamefully neglected.
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499. - It's about time
to add some more lye
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500. and some possum
renderins, Mrs. Drysdale.
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501. - Oh, Mrs. Drysdale,
I hope you appreciate
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502. the historical significance
of this opportunity.
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503. You are reenacting
the making of soap,
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504. just as it was done
more than 300 years ago.
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505. - Oh, yes, indeed,
Madam President.
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506. I'm thrilled.
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507. - She's so happy, she's cryin'.
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508. - I wouldn't have missed
this for a million dollars,
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509. tax-exempt.
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510. - Oh, chief. The bank
examiners are waiting.
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511. - Yes, I know. I know.
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512. Oh, Mrs. Smith-Standish,
don't forget,
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513. you promised to let my
wife wash dishes, too.
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514. - Oh, I wouldn't
think of depriving her
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515. of the thrill of
handling those authentic
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516. colonial implements.
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517. - And in the good
old colonial way,
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518. no automatic dishwasher.
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519. - Heaven forbid.
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520. - Mrs. Smith-Standish,
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521. I have known you only
a few brief minutes,
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522. but already, you are one
of my favorite people.
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523. We shall return.
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524. - Oh.
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525. I've lost my
coiffeur, my mascara,
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526. and my manicure.
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527. - Oh, best forget
about 'em, honey.
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528. If they fell in that soap,
they's dissolved by now.
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529. How are you doin',
Mrs. Drysdale?
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530. I can steer you up a
few more things to wash,
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531. if it pleasures ya.
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532. - Oh, no, please.
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533. Look what this lye soap
has done to my hands.
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534. - Yeah.
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535. They is nice and pink
and rosy, ain't they?
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536. - Raw. Raw. Raw.
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537. - I don't blame
you for cheering.
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538. - I thought you left.
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539. - I couldn't tear myself away
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540. from the picture of my
wife washing dishes.
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541. - How 'bout that?
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542. She's takin' to it like
a cold hog to warm mud.
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