The Beverly Hillbillies 1x24

Directed by Richard Whorf

Laura Shelton as Secretary • Lester Matthews as Mr. Fleming Pendleton • Charles Lane as Billy Hacker • Jack Boyle as Photographer

When rival banker Bill Hacker challenges him to a skeet shoot, Mr. Drysdale has no choice but to enlist the sharpshooting skills of Jed by making him a bank vice president. But, when Hacker finds out about Drysdale's scheme, he demands that he be allowed to pick a different employee. Hacker sees Granny cleaning Jed's office and, assuming she is the cleaning lady, picks her. The only thing is, Granny is just as good a shot as Jed.

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1. - Come on little Jethro, drink it up!

2. - No sassafras, no snake wort,

3. no puccoon root, nor retchweed.

4. How do folks live in these Beverly Hills

5. without the necessities of life?

6. - Look what I got, Granny.

7. - Elly May Clampett, did you drag home another pussy cat?

8. - No, Granny, this here's a special one.

9. I've been helping the critter doctor over to the zoo,

10. and he let me bring this here one home

11. 'cause it's ma was being mean to it.

12. - Husky little critter.

13. Ought to be a good mouse catcher when he gets growed.

14. - We can't keep him that long.

15. Why, the critter doctor said he gets

16. to be eight or ten feet long.

17. He's a lion.

18. - He sure is.

19. Even a bobcat don't get that big.

20. Any luck?

21. - Ah, they ain't nothing to shoot up in these hills.

22. - A few scrawny squirrels and rabbits

23. that ain't worth a cartridge.

24. - By dingies, let's all go home,

25. where I can find some yarbs, and you can find some game.

26. - Yeah, Ma's been wanting to go back and see Jethrine.

27. Hey, let's all go together!

28. - You bring the truck around, Jethro,

29. and I'll pack a lunch and we can get started.

30. - Now, hold on just a minute.

31. That may be all right for Pearl,

32. but that's a mighty long trip to take

33. just to hunt yarbs and do a little shooting.

34. Besides, you got school, Jethro.

35. - And I can't go and leave little Jethro.

36. - Hey, look a yonder.

37. - This here is a lion.

38. - So, you named him after Jethro.

39. - Yeah, 'cause he's king of the beasts, aren't you?

40. - Nah, 'cause he eats so much and his feet's so big.

41. - My feet ain't big!

42. - What you talking 'bout boy?

43. When you was twelve, your feet was so big

44. you used to have to go down

45. to the crossroads to turn around!

46. - Come on everybody, let's go home,

47. where we can find some yarbs and get some fresh game meat.

48. - I'll get the truck!

49. - Now, hold on.

50. - Ah, Uncle Jed, if we don't do us some shooting,

51. we ain't gonna be able to bark a squirrel

52. out of a tall tree at three hundred yards.

53. - I know we's getting mighty rusty.

54. I'll tell you what, you grab a handful of matches,

55. we'll stick 'em in the ground alongside that wall out front,

56. we sit on the porch, and we'll take turns

57. lighting them with our rifles.

58. - Ah, shucks, but that ain't shooting.

59. Well, that wall ain't no more than

60. two or three hundred feet from the porch.

61. - I know it ain't real shooting.

62. I'll tell you what, we won't take dead aim,

63. we'll snap shoot 'em.

64. - Why don't y'all shoot skeets like Mr. Drysdale does?

65. - What's skeets?

66. - Ah, he told me about them. Them's clay birds.

67. - Well if you two go to shooting clay birds,

68. don't expect me to cook 'em.

69. - Any statement about tomorrow's match, gentlemen?

70. - Yes, I want to tell you-

71. - Gentlemen, if you please, I should like to read

72. Mr. Drysdale's prepared statement.

73. "Win or lose, may the spirit of fair play

74. and good sportsmanship,

75. which so symbolizes the Commerce Bank,

76. The friendly bank of Beverly Hills,

77. prevail in this great competition-"

78. - Oh, baloney! I'll give you a statement!

79. My bank's going to shoot the pants off of his bank

80. and win this trophy back permanently.

81. - I shall begin again.

82. "Win or lose, may the spirit of fair play and good spor-"

83. - Oh baloney! Now, Listen Hacker,

84. Your bank hasn't won in two years.

85. Not since Lynn Crandall became

86. my Vice President and teammate,

87. and furthermore-

88. - I've got a little surprise for you this year, Drysdale.

89. I've got a new cashier that can outshoot Davy Crockett.

90. - He'll have to go some to outshoot "Hawkeye" Crandall.

91. - You said it! Why, "Hawkeye'could pick-

92. - "Hawkeye" Crandall my Aunt Nellie!

93. Wait'll you see Gene Sandmoom handle one of these things.

94. - Don't wave that in my face, Hacker.

95. - Chief, Chief, it's Vice President Crandall

96. calling from the hospital.

97. - Hospital? Hawkeye?

98. - Yes, he was crossing the street

99. and he didn't see a firetruck coming.

100. - Hawkeye, how bad are you hurt?

101. Both legs broken.

102. Right arm.

103. Three ribs.

104. Well, we've got until tomorrow morning. Try to make it.

105. - I set up four matches, Uncle Jed.

106. That's all that was left.

107. - All right.

108. You light two and I'll light two.

109. - Well, you only got a single barrel rifle.

110. How you gonna light both matches?

111. - Nevermind about that. Just light yours.

112. - Okay. I'll light the first two matches on the left.

113. I done it. I lit both of 'em.

114. - Now, to light my two with one cartridge,

115. I gotta get a little angle.

116. - That's really doing it the hard way.

117. - Well, since the distance is so short,

118. we gotta get a little sport into it.

119. I done it.

120. - Yes, sir. The bullet bounced off the wall

121. and got 'em both!

122. - Well, what do we shoot at now, Uncle Jed?

123. - Well, let's smear a dab of sorghum on the wall

124. and commence picking off flies.

125. - What else can happen to me today?

126. The skeet championship out the window

127. and all those crazy Clampetts

128. are shooting at passing cars.

129. - I'm sure your wife's exaggerating, Chief.

130. The Clampetts wouldn't do anything that foolhardy.

131. - No? Well, just in case they would-

132. isn't that their driveway up ahead?

133. - Yes.

134. - Let me know when we're safely in.

135. - Hi there Miss Hathaway, Mr Drysdale.

136. Nice to see you.

137. - Mr. Clampett, what are you shooting at?

138. - Flies.

139. - Flies? With a rifle?

140. - Yep. Up against the wall there,

141. just to the right of the gate.

142. - You mean to tell me you shoot flies

143. sitting on that wall out there?

144. - No, that wouldn't be sporting.

145. We get them on the wing.

146. - Impossible.

147. - Oh, no it ain't, Mr. Drysdale.

148. Well, we just smear a little sorghum on the wall

149. and get them when they buzz in for a landing.

150. - The trick is not to get a bee.

151. If you shoot a bee, you miss your turn.

152. - Sometimes, when they come in fast out of the sun,

153. it's hard to tell them apart.

154. - I can't even see the sorghum.

155. - Neither can I.

156. - Oh, Uncle Jed ain't missed one yet.

157. Well, back home they called him "Hawkeye".

158. - Did you say "Hawkeye"?

159. - Oh, you know how folks hang a nickname on you.

160. - Miss Hathaway, the trophy may not be lost.

161. - Chief, he has to be an employee of the bank.

162. - Meet Mr. J.D. Clampett, my new Vice President.

163. Welcome aboard, Hawkeye.

164. - Now, will you stop worrying?

165. Jed Clampett is a vice president in name only.

166. He won't come near the bank.

167. - How can you be sure?

168. - Because I told Jethro to take him out to the skeet club.

169. I'll meet him there and we'll practice

170. for the rest of the afternoon,

171. and the skeet match is tomorrow morning,

172. and this beauty will be mine, mine, mine.

173. - Chief, haven't you heard the expression,

174. "It's not that you win or lose,

175. but how you play the game"?

176. - Ah, yes, I've heard it, and I consider it

177. one of the most ridiculous statements ever made.

178. - Suppose Hacker hears about your new teammate

179. and comes around to meet him?

180. - Say, that is a good thought.

181. All right, have a nameplate made,

182. put it on Crandall's desk,

183. "J.D. Clampett, Vice President",

184. then alert everyone to say he's out

185. for the balance of the day.

186. - Mr. Drysdale, I have always been a loyal secretary,

187. but there are some things my conscience

188. will not permit me to do.

189. - Then bring in a new secretary.

190. - That is one of them.

191. - Come on Jethro, it's time I was getting down to the bank!

192. - Jed, what is all this nonsense

193. about you working for Mr. Drysdale?

194. You don't know nothing about banking!

195. - Well, that's what I said, Granny,

196. and you know what he said?

197. - What?

198. - He said, "Mr. Clampett, you are the kind of man I need

199. for Vice President because you are a straight shooter."

200. - Well, I reckon there's always need of a good, honest man.

201. - Yeah, especially in the banking business.

202. Come on, Jethro!

203. - Uncle Jed, Mr. Drysdale said I was to take you

204. out to the skeet shooting range.

205. He said you don't have to come to the bank today.

206. - Yeah, I know, Jethro.

207. I reckon he's just trying to be nice,

208. because with his other Vice President in the hospital,

209. I don't see what help I could be to him shooting' skeet.

210. - Ah, shucks. I was counting on shooting

211. some of them clay birds.

212. - Go right ahead, Jethro,

213. and take your Ma if she'd like to go.

214. - Pearl don't care nothing about shooting'.

215. But I sure would like to get

216. my old double barrel unlimbered.

217. It's getting rusty and so am I.

218. - Well, fine, Granny. Elly May can go too, if she wants.

219. Just drop me off at the bank on the way.

220. Yes, sir. High time I was getting

221. to my duties as Vice President.

222. - Is this satisfactory, Mr. Drysdale?

223. - Oh, fine, fine.

224. Put it on Crandall's desk, back in the corner.

225. - Mr. Hacker is back to see you

226. and the chairman of the rules committee is with him.

227. I think they expect you to default the contest.

228. - (mocking laughter) Just when I've got it won?

229. - Mr. Drysdale, at the risk of incurring your disapproval,

230. I owe it to my conscience to make the following statement,

231. which I have typed up for you perusal.

232. "Honesty and integrity are the very cornerstones

233. of the great institution of banking,

234. and they are strengthened my the mortar

235. of fair and democratic competition.

236. This trophy is symbolic of that competition.

237. It represents a glittering ideal,

238. and I say to you, better defeat with honor

239. than victory at the cost of a tarnished ideal."

240. - Hear, hear, Mr. Drysdale,

241. you are a credit to the entire banking profession.

242. That is one of the most inspired statements

243. that I have ever heard.

244. And Hacker, here, thought that you'd default,

245. or as for postponement,

246. merely because you'd lost your teammate.

247. Mr. Hacker, read those words over and over.

248. By George, they mean something.

249. - Yeah, they mean he's found a crack shot.

250. - Miss, may I, may I have a copy of this?

251. - Oh, certainly, Mr. Pendleton.

252. - Mr. Hacker, it may interest you to know

253. that the employee who I have chosen to be my teammate

254. has never in his entire life shot one,

255. single, solitary clay bird.

256. - Oh, bravo, bravo!

257. What sportsmanship! What courage! What spirit!

258. - What's his name?

259. J.D. Clampett? Vice President?

260. - What does a vice president do, Pa?

261. - I just ain't exactly sure, Elly May.

262. That's the reason I want to talk to Mr. Drysdale.

263. - He might be out at the skeet place a-waiting for you.

264. - Well, we'll see.

265. - Are you sure it's all right for us to

266. go on out there without you, Jed?

267. - Yeah. Mr. Drysdale said as long as I work at the bank,

268. you can use the skeet club.

269. - Club? I thought you busted them things up with a gun.

270. - Oh, you do, Granny.

271. That's just what they call the skeet shooting place.

272. - Pull up in front of the bank, Jethro, and wait for me.

273. I'll go and see if Mr. Drysdale's there.

274. - I'd like to meet this vice president.

275. - Well, he hasn't gotten to his desk yet,

276. new man, just getting settled in.

277. - But you've picked him to shoot with you, huh?

278. - Well, as long as he's filling in

279. for Crandall here at the bank,

280. I figured the sporting thing would be

281. to let him fill in at the skeet match.

282. - You say he's never shot skeet.

283. - My word of honor, this man has never set foot

284. upon a skeet field.

285. - That is the courageous attitude

286. that has kept the doors of our banks open

287. through economic upheaval,

288. political uncertainty, and world chaos.

289. - Thank you, F.R.

290. - I don't know what this character's got up his sleeve,

291. but you can bet your vault it's something.

292. - Mr. Hacker, Bill, Billy Boy,

293. haven't you heard the saying,

294. "It's not that you win or lose,

295. but how you play the game"?

296. - Drysdale, I know that we bankers aren't supposed

297. to be emotional, but dash it all, man, I,

298. I'm choking up.

299. - I've had about all I can swallow, too

300. - Come in.

301. - Oh, excuse me, Mr. Drysdale,

302. I was just wondering if-

303. - Oh, Mr. Clampett, come in, come in!

304. - Well, I don't want to butt in.

305. - Oh it's perfectly all right.

306. - These gentlemen were just leaving.

307. Business before pleasure, gentlemen.

308. Sit down, make yourself comfortable.

309. See you in the morning, gentlemen.

310. - There is the mark of true greatness, Hacker.

311. Did you see the way he treated that old tramp?

312. Like he was a millionaire.

313. - This is Crandall's skeet jacket.

314. I don't know whether it'll fit you or not.

315. - It's a mite snug, but I reckon it'll do.

316. - You'd think bankers could afford new coats

317. instead of covering them old ones with patches.

318. - These are the targets that we shoot at.

319. - Ain't them dandy little dishes.

320. Just right for saucer and coffee.

321. - Why in tarnation do you want

322. to shoot at a saucer like this?

323. If you ain't careful, you'll bust 'em.

324. - Whereabouts is the cups?

325. - Well, there aren't any cups.

326. - See, you done busted 'em, didn't you?

327. - No, no, Granny. We don't use cups. Just these saucers.

328. I mean, these targets.

329. The object of the game is to hit them

330. as they fly through the air.

331. - I reckon I'd like to try that.

332. Give me a gun, Jethro.

333. - I'll handle the release switch, Chief.

334. - All right if I try it without this little coat?

335. - Oh, yes, Mr. Clampett,

336. but I wouldn't suggest you trying it with the rifle,

337. because when you yell "pull", those targets

338. are going to shoot out there at 60 miles an hour.

339. - Pull!

340. - You broke it.

341. - Shattered it.

342. - Sorry about that. I just meant to nick it,

343. so as you could use it again.

344. - Well, Jed, from the looks of

345. all them broken dished out there,

346. you ain't the first one that made a mistake.

347. - No, Granny, you don't understand.

348. You see, the object of the game is to break the target,

349. But to do it with a rifle is absolutely remarkable.

350. - Oh, shucks, that ain't nothing.

351. A lot easier than shooting flies.

352. - Can I try?

353. - Yes, of course, but I, I think

354. you'd better use the shotgun.

355. - Oh, this here is Granny's.

356. This here is the gun I'm used to.

357. - Lead her a mite, Jethro.

358. - Okay, Uncle Jed.

359. Pull!

360. Pull!

361. Pull!

362. Pull!

363. - Fantastic feat!

364. - Yeah, they's big all right,

365. but they help him to stand steady.

366. - Step aside, Jethro, and give me a whack

367. at busting them things.

368. Can you fling two at once?

369. - Yes, but-

370. - Fling!

371. Fling two more! I've got another barrel left!

372. - I have never seen such marksmanship.

373. Why, with any one of you as my teammate,

374. I can win tomorrow.

375. - I'll shoot with you Mr. Drysdale.

376. - I'll shoot with you Mr. Drysdale.

377. - Well, thank you, but you see,

378. my teammate has to be someone who works at the bank,

379. and since Mr. Clampett here just happens

380. to be my Vice President-

381. - Sure was a stroke of luck for me to get that job

382. just in time to shoot with you.

383. - Almost as though it were planned.

384. - Oh, Elly May, wouldn't you like to try

385. to hit one of the targets?

386. - Sure would!

387. - Ah, which gun would you like to use?

388. - Don't want no gun.

389. - Elly May don't much cotton to firearms.

390. - Don't tell me she's gonna try to hit-

391. - Pull!

392. - And here I stand with my cylinder bore, wide choke,

393. twelve hundred dollar imported English skeet gun.

394. - That's a dandy, all right.

395. Fella just about couldn't miss with that.

396. - (laughs) I could, and I think I'd better

397. get in a little practice right now.

398. - Well, uh, we'll be pushing along, then.

399. Oh, uh, do you mind if I have my cousin Pearl

400. to let this out a mite?

401. I could shoot a lot better if it don't bind me so tight.

402. - Be my guest, Mr. Clampett.

403. Well, I'll pick you up about nine in the morning, hmm?

404. - Fine and dandy. Bye and thank you.

405. - Bye!

406. - Bye!

407. - Bye!

408. - But, Mr. Hacker, Mr. Clampett is out.

409. - I can see that. I'll just sit down here and wait for him.

410. Sooner or later, even vice presidents

411. have to show up for work.

412. - You know, I've been thinking.

413. With Mr. Drysdale and Miss Jane both gone,

414. maybe they need me over to the bank.

415. - Should I drop you off there?

416. - Yeah, I reckon you'd better.

417. - Here, Pearl knows how much to let this out for me.

418. Yeah, I figure if I'm gonna be any help to Mr. Drysdale,

419. I better get at it.

420. - Well, howdy there.

421. You waiting to see me?

422. - Are you J.D. Clampett?

423. - Sure am. Jed Clampett.

424. - Vice President of this bank?

425. - That's what they tell me.

426. You know, I just had a hunch to come in.

427. I figured there might be something I could do to help.

428. - I think there's a wold of things

429. you can do to help me, Mr. Clampett.

430. - That's just dandy. I don't believe I caught your name?

431. - Hacker. William Hacker. You call me Bill.

432. - Well, howdy there, Bill.

433. It sure is nice to make your acquaintance.

434. Sit down, sit down. What can I do for you?

435. - Well, to start off with, you can tell me

436. how long you've been in the banking business.

437. - Well, uh, this here is my first day.

438. - And already you're a vice president?

439. - Well, that's the job I'm commencing with.

440. I want to tell you, that Mr. Drysdale

441. is as fine a man as you ever want to work for.

442. Why, I ain't done nothing the whole day but shoot skeet.

443. - I see. Tell me, do you shoot good skeet?

444. - Why, I never tried before today.

445. 'Course, it don't take much shooting

446. to bust them great big saucers,

447. especially if you got a goof rifle.

448. - You shoot skeet with a rifle?

449. - Well, I admit it's kind of like shooting fish in a barrel.

450. My daughter, Elly May, does just as good

451. with her sling shot.

452. - That is very interesting.

453. How did, uh, how did Mr. Drysdale happen to find you?

454. - Oh, uh, we is next-door neighbors.

455. - You're a next-door neighbor of Milburn Drysdale?

456. Up there at those exclusive estates?

457. - Yep. Matter of fact, he got the place for me.

458. You seem, I, uh, come into a little money here a while back,

459. Twenty five or thirty million,

460. - Dollars?

461. - And to show you what kind of a friend Mr. Drysdale is,

462. he's keeping all of that money right here in his bank,

463. and he ain't charging me one penny to do it.

464. - He's all heart, that fellow, all heart.

465. Tell me, mister, uh, Mr. Clampett,

466. how does it happen that you're Vice President

467. of this bank, here?

468. - Well, my nephew, Jethro, and me

469. was out front of the house,

470. that's my cousin Pearl's boy,

471. we was out there in front of the house

472. shooting flies off the wall out-

473. - Excuse me. Shooting flies?

474. - Yes sir.

475. - With rifles?

476. - Yes.

477. - How far away?

478. - Oh it wasn't no more than a couple hundred feet.

479. Well, along comes Mr. Drysdale-

480. - I'd like to point out that it is not

481. too late to do the decent thing.

482. Now, the bank's still open.

483. Select an employee at random, take me.

484. We may lose, but we will lose with honor.

485. - I says, "Mr. Drysdale, I don't

486. know nothing about banking."

487. And he says- well, say!

488. Speaking of Mr. Drysdale, here he comes!

489. - Mr. Clampett, what are you doing here?

490. - Where should a vice president be,

491. out shooting flies off his front wall?

492. - Hacker, you snoop, get out of my bank.

493. - Not until we fist have a little meeting

494. with Mr. Pendleton.

495. - Mr. Drysdale, I am shocked to say the least.

496. Shocked and disillusioned.

497. - I apologize, Mr. Pendleton.

498. My desire to win momentarily overcame my sense of fair play.

499. But, I have a suggestion.

500. Suppose I select, at random, an employee

501. to be my teammate.

502. - That seems sporting, eh, Hacker?

503. - Yeah, I'll buy that.

504. - Well, I have a new, young janitor,

505. not a very bright kid, but nice. Jethro Bodine.

506. - Just a minute, Drysdale. Isn't he Clampett's nephew?

507. The one he shoots flies off the wall with?

508. - Well, Drysdale, is this true?

509. - Yes, yes, it is true.

510. - Miss Hathaway, I believe you're on overtime.

511. - Right, Chief. Goodnight Gentlemen.

512. - Now, I have a suggestion for you.

513. I'll pick an employee of yours

514. at random to be your teammate.

515. - I consider that eminently fair.

516. Agreed, Drysdale?

517. - You mean to say that Pearl let this out,

518. and now he aint a-going to shoot?

519. - I'm afraid Mr. Clampett is no longer employed here, ma'am.

520. - I declare! Look! Look at the dust on that desk!

521. Jed Clampett was taught to leave things clean.

522. Fetch me a broom.

523. - But, ma'am-

524. - Fetch me a broom!

525. - Yes, ma'am.

526. - I declare! City living is spoiling the whole darn family.

527. - I choose you.

528. - What's that?

529. - Let's see how Mr. Drysdale does with a scrub woman.

530. - Fling!

531. Fling!

532. Re-lock, reload.

533. Fling!

534. Fling!