The Beverly Hillbillies 1x23

1. The Beverly Hillbillies.

2. - You're, Jed Clampett I know you anywhere.

3. Jed Clampett, just like mother described you.

4. - Your ma knows me?

5. - Well, we lived just beyond the Ridge from you back home.

6. - Well, mighty nice to have somebody from back home

7. drop in on us.

8. - And its mighty nice to feel the firm, friendly grip

9. of a real mountain man again.

10. - Come in, come in, don't believe I caught your name.

11. - All right, Jones, Harry Jones.

12. - There's and article here concerning a confidence man

13. known to be operating in this area.

14. - So?

15. - His M.O. that is police vernacular for Modus Operandi,

16. Which in turn is Latin...

17. - I know what Modus Operandi means.

18. I watched dragnet for seven years.

19. - Sorry chief, continue,

20. his M.O. is to pray upon rural types,

21. especially those who have come into money.

22. Like the Clamppets, he is particularly...

23. - Lets see that, Harry Jones, alias Herbie Jones,

24. alias Herbie Brown, alias Herbie Brower.

25. - Came out to California and struck it rich,

26. acquired a lot of property.

27. But now my heart says,

28. "Herbie boy, go back to the land of your childhood."

29. - You said Your name was Harry.

30. - Oh, it is, Herbie's my second name,

31. the one mother always used to favor.

32. Actually when I think of that,

33. I think of home and mother.

34. - Your Ma's passed on has she?

35. - Boy, no, she's very, very sick.

36. That's why I have to dispose of all my vast

37. Californy holdings and hurry to her side.

38. Now, Mr. Clamppet,

39. how would you like to buy the Hollywood bowl.

40. - Excuse me.

41. - Where you goin'?

42. - Well, I got to go out and fish, granny,

43. she takes care of buying everything for the kitchen

44. like pots and pans and bowls.

45. - No, no, no, Mr. Clampett, it's not that kind of a bowl.

46. The Hollywood bowl is a vast open air amphitheater

47. that seats 20,000 people.

48. - What in a Sam Hill Would I want with a place like that?

49. - Well, do you know how much money the Hollywood bowl

50. took in last year?

51. - Can't say as I do.

52. - $4 million dollars.

53. - Is that a fact?

54. - That's right.

55. - Four million dollars.

56. - Yes siree Bob.

57. - What The Sam Hill would I want with a place like that?

58. - You mean $4 million dollars doesn't interest you?

59. - Not especially, I already got more than a need now.

60. - Well, congratulations, you passed the test.

61. - What test?

62. - I just wanted to see if you were still that sweet

63. honest ungreedy man, that my dear mother told me about.

64. - Get Jed Clampett on the phone.

65. - As the bulletin says he is particularly clever at selling

66. public parks and monuments to these rural types.

67. He convinces them that he's one of their own kind.

68. Sorry, chief, the line's busy.

69. - Tell me Mr. Clampett, what do you like to do?

70. What I mean is, what are your favorite pastimes?

71. - Well, I reckon, huntin', fishin', whittlin'.

72. - Well then, the Hollywood Bowl is exactly what you need.

73. - I don't quite follow out what you mean.

74. - Well, let's take whittlin' for instance.

75. You know there are 20,000 benches in that place?

76. And if you get tired of whittlin',

77. you just turn on the water, fill her up,

78. throw in a few trout,

79. and you got the best doggone fishing hole you ever saw.

80. - What about huntin'?

81. - Huntin', why in those Hills surrounding

82. the Hollywood bowl, especially on Mulholland drive,

83. you'll find more wolves up there

84. than you'll find in any place in this here country.

85. - What do ya know about that.

86. - Jed, where 'ere ya?

87. - We're in here, Granny.

88. - Jed, can you get the top off of this?

89. Oh, I didn't know we had company.

90. - Mr. Jones, this here is...

91. - Of course, Granny, I'd know that face anywhere.

92. - Mr. Jones is from back home in our part of the country.

93. His family used to live beyond the ridge from us.

94. - Jones? Jones? I recollect a family of Joneses

95. that live beyond the ridge.

96. - That must've been...

97. - They was horse thieves.

98. - A different Jones.

99. - Yeah, I reckon so.

100. - Yes, I remember mother always used to say,

101. we must be twice as good to make up for the bad Joneses.

102. - Mr. Jones here is wantin' me to buy

103. the Hollywood Bowl off him.

104. - Hollywood bowl?

105. - Hollywood Bowl?

106. - And this must be the young lady I've heard so much about,

107. The lovely Elly May.

108. - Me?

109. - The stories I've heard about you, my dear,

110. don't do you justice.

111. You have a much more mature beauty than I expected.

112. - Me?

113. - You won't stay unmarried long in Beverly Hills, my dear.

114. I'm surprised some handsome, young movie star

115. hasn't already claimed you for his very own.

116. - Me?

117. - Mr. Jones she ain't...

118. - I'm going to tell him, Granny.

119. Just let me take my time.

120. - Mr. Jones, this here is my cousin Pearl Bodine.

121. - I'm charmed to make your acquaintance,

122. my dear, Miss Bodine.

123. - It's Mrs.

124. - But I'm a widow.

125. - Pearl, you seem to know about Hollywood bowl.

126. - Oh yeah, Jed, I heard about it.

127. It's where they have all that open-air music and singing.

128. - Pearl here is right gifted at singin' and playin'

129. and yodlin'.

130. - Oh, Jed, I ain't neither.

131. - You are so.

132. - Nah, I ain't.

133. - Why, you sure are!

134. - I ain't.

135. - Let her win, Jed, for once she's right.

136. - Mr. Clampett, if I may, as owner of Hollywood bowl,

137. I become an expert judge of musical talent,

138. and I wonder if I might hear Mrs. Bodine perform?

139. - Well, I could yodel for ya?

140. - Cut loose, Pearl.

141. - Yeah, there's no question about it,

142. that voice belongs in the open air, theater.

143. Where 20,000 people can listen and enjoy it.

144. - 20,000 people would pay to hear me?

145. - Why, my dear, they would fight for the privilege.

146. - How much you reckon they'd pay?

147. - Oh, I'd say at rock bottom prices, at least $5 a head.

148. - 20,000 at $5 a head?

149. - That's $100,000 for only one night.

150. - Jed, did you hear that?

151. - I sure did, Pearl.

152. Mr. Jones looks like you got yourself a deal.

153. Your troubles is over.

154. - You mean it?

155. - Yes, sir.

156. With a moneymaker like Pearl singing and yodelin' for you,

157. you won't have to sell your Hollywood bowl.

158. - Ah, won't I...

159. - Here you are, Mr. Jones.

160. - Thank you, my dear.

161. - Hello? This is...

162. - Did Mr. Jones call his lawyer yet?

163. - He's trying to get him now,

164. seems to have a little catch in his throat.

165. - Aunt Pearl told us the news, Granny.

166. - Ma's gonna sing in Hollywood Bowl, huh?

167. - It ain't set for sure until he talks to his lawyer.

168. - But you've gotta find a way to get out of those contracts,

169. this woman has a tremendous talent.

170. Why, she's the greatest yodeler since Caruso.

171. By George, I'm glad I'm sellin' the Hollywood bowl.

172. When a woman with the talent of Pearl Bodine

173. can't play in my theater, then I'm through, you hear me?

174. Through.

175. - I ain't going to sing in Hollywood bowl, Mr. Jones?

176. - We're booked solid, my dear

177. and I just got to honor those contracts.

178. But if someone else was to buy the Hollywood bowl,

179. he could make new deals, he can put in anybody he wants.

180. - Jed, It wouldn't do no harm to go look at the place,

181. would it?

182. - Oh, I reckon there'd be no harm in that.

183. - Fine, I'll have my car sent around.

184. - No need to do that, Jethro can drive us all up.

185. - You got a car that'll hold all of us?

186. - Sure, bring it around, Jethro.

187. - Well then, by George, let's go.

188. You know, Mr. Clampett, there aren't too many millionaires

189. who drive around in a car like this.

190. - Actually my cousin Pearl deserves the credit,

191. this is hers.

192. - Shucks, this old thing.

193. I've been after my cousin Jed

194. to get himself a fancy, shiny new limousine.

195. - Yeah, boy, I sure would like to drive around

196. in one of them rascals.

197. - Well, once you're once your Ma is performing

198. in your uncle's Hollywood bowl,

199. she'll be able to buy you a new car every week.

200. - Hot diggity dog.

201. - Mr. Jones says when I commence to singin'

202. and a-yodelin' there, why, 20,000 people will be pushing

203. and crawling at the gates.

204. - Yeah, trying to get out.

205. - What'd she say?

206. - Oh, she said they...

207. - Mr. Jones, what's that up there?

208. - Well, that's the entrance to Hollywood bowl,

209. just kind of make a left there boy.

210. - Well, let's see.

211. Right is the side where I carry my buckeyes,

212. so left is...

213. - Turn it, boy, turn it.

214. I'm going to throw in all of these buildings

215. as part of the deal, won't cost you a cent.

216. Now, you'll notice the trees are all in A1 condition,

217. solid wood every one of them, and loaded with sap, too.

218. This here's the famous traveling sidewalk,

219. takes you right up the hill with no effort on your part.

220. Just stand still and ride,

221. gives you a beautiful view of Hollywood bowl.

222. Now isn't this wonderful?

223. Saves wear and tear on the shoe leather.

224. And it's just one of the features

225. of this wonderful investment you're making, Mr. Clampett.

226. Come right along with old, honest Hank.

227. - Well, what do you think of that, Granny?

228. - Just like city folks, too darn lazy to even walk.

229. - Say, incidentally, if you folks buy this here Bowl,

230. I'm going to throw in that traveling sidewalk

231. absolutely free of charge.

232. - Ain't he a nice man?

233. - Well, Mr. Jones, you sure have took

234. nice care of this place.

235. - Well, thank you, Mr. Clampett.

236. Something my mother taught me,

237. never sell anything that isn't perfect, son,

238. especially if you sell it to a friend.

239. - Where's all them seats you was talkin' about?

240. - Oh, they is over here,

241. but I think the best way to see them is from the stage.

242. Why don't you all just follow me?

243. - Well, there are your 20,000 seats.

244. - Land to mercy.

245. - What do you think of that, Granny?

246. - Sure would hate to whitewash all them benches.

247. - Aunt Pearl, this would sure be a dandy place for yodeling.

248. - Never seen nothing better.

249. Jethro, you run up to them top seats way up yonder,

250. and see can you hear me when I cut loose.

251. - Okay, Ma.

252. - Now, he ain't going to jump off that stage here,

253. there's a ten foot drop and then water.

254. - Honest to Pete, Jethro.

255. - Hey, Ma, when you sing and yodel here,

256. be careful about stepping off this here ledge,

257. there's an awful deep puddle down there.

258. - Oh, Jethro, why can't you watch where you're going?

259. - Is he going to be all right?

260. - Yeah, that won't hurt Jethro none.

261. His clothes'll tighten up a little,

262. but he'll dry out in no time.

263. - Well, Mr. Clampett, how do you like our bowl?

264. - Right nice, Mr. Jones.

265. - By the way, I think it's time we dropped

266. all these formalities.

267. From here on in, why don't we just make it, Jed and Henry.

268. - Thought you said your name was Harry, Harry Herbert.

269. - Yeah, it is. Harry Herbert Henry. H-H-H. Jones.

270. My mother used to say, "Those three H's stand for

271. Honesty, Humility, and Honor."

272. Why don't you just call me what everybody else does,

273. Honest Hank.

274. - That's a mighty dandy name all right,

275. one you can be proud of.

276. - Well, like I was starting to say,

277. this is a mighty fine place here for whittlin' and yodelin',

278. but I don't think it's any great shakes

279. for hunting and fishing like you said it was.

280. - You know something, Jed, you're absolutely right.

281. Just goes to prove how long I've been away from the hills.

282. But i got another piece of property, not too far from here,

283. it's the greatest spot for hunting you ever saw.

284. Full of animals, and I'm going to sell it to you dirt cheap.

285. It's called Griffith Park.

286. - Griffith Park.

287. - Yeah, named after my dear old mother.

288. - That's a mighty pretty name for a woman, Griffith Park,

289. unusual.

290. - Jed, why don't we take a run over there

291. and have a look around?

292. - That sounds like a mighty fine idea.

293. Granny, Elly May, Pearl, we's all going over

294. to look at a piece of hunting property Mr. Jones has got.

295. - Hank, Honest Hank.

296. - Aunt Pearl looks like somebody's throwed a spell on her.

297. - Yeah, she acts like she's in some

298. kind of a trance or something.

299. - Pearl? Pearl?

300. - Aunt Pearl?

301. - Pearl?

302. - Pearl.

303. - Pearl, Pearl?

304. - Pearl?

305. - Aunt Pearl?

306. - Pearl.

307. - Huh? What? Oh, I was daydreaming.

308. - We's all going over to look at another place

309. called Griffith Park.

310. - Does that mean you've decided against this one?

311. - No, I ain't decided nothing yet, Pearl.

312. Come on, everybody, let's go.

313. - Now, watch out, Jethro,

314. there's a lot of cars on this road.

315. - There is more automobiles than I've ever seen

316. in all my born days.

317. - Goin' so fast.

318. - Sure is good they going the same way.

319. - Yes, ma'am, 'cause if one of them rascals

320. decides to turn around and head back,

321. there's gonna be an awful mess.

322. - No need to worry about that, boy,

323. the cars going the other way are using that road over there.

324. - Where's all these folks going in such a hurry?

325. - Well, the ones using this road are going to Los Angeles,

326. and the ones on that other road are coming back.

327. - If they'd just slow down a might,

328. the ones coming back could shout over

329. to the ones going what they seen,

330. and then maybe some of them wouldn't have to go.

331. - Yeah, yeah, that's a good thought, Jed.

332. say, Elly May, your daddy tells me you like animals.

333. - Sure do, Mr. Jones,

334. I ain't never met one yet I couldn't make friends with.

335. - She's got a way with critters that is plumb amazing.

336. - I like that, I like that a lot.

337. You know, I'll tell you folks what I'm gonna do,

338. Elly May, if your papa buys Griffith Park,

339. I'm gonna throw in, at no extra cost, mind you,

340. my entire collection of fabulous animals

341. from all over the world.

342. I call it the Griffith Park Zoo.

343. - Hear that, Pa?

344. - Mighty big-hearted of Mr. Jones.

345. - Hank, Honest Hank.

346. - Ain't this beautiful? Just like back home.

347. - Ain't smelled piney woods like that since we left home.

348. - Uncle Jed, you just got to buy this.

349. We can build us a cabin in here

350. and come huntin' all the time.

351. - Ain't gonna shoot at my critters, are you?

352. - When you go huntin', Elly,

353. you gotta have something to shoot at.

354. - You leave my critters be.

355. - Elly, I can't breathe.

356. - Elly May, turn him loose.

357. - Oh, it hurts any one of my critters,

358. I'll hit him on the jaw so hard

359. he'll be able to look down his back

360. without even turning his head.

361. - Now, Elly May, ain't nobody gonna do nothing to nobody,

362. or their critters.

363. Besides, they ain't ours yet, we ain't bought the place.

364. - How much you asking for this here

365. Griffith Park, Mr. Jones?

366. - Hank, Pearl, call me Hank.

367. - All right, Hank.

368. - Never mind holding hands.

369. - Granny.

370. - Pearl, that's a sure trick of a crooked horse trader,

371. so you won't look too close at the horse

372. or listen too close to the price.

373. - How much y'all want

374. for this here Griffith Park, Hank honey?

375. - Not a sign of anybody inside the house.

376. - Nor outside.

377. - Oh, well, we're probably worried about nothing.

378. You know, the odds are 1,000 to one

379. against this confidence man singling out the Clampetts,

380. and even greater against them falling for it.

381. - You know, Chief, according to the circular,

382. one of his favorite schemes is selling Hollywood Bowl.

383. - Isn't that a wild one?

384. - Can you imagine anyone ignorant enough to actually...

385. - Hollywood Bowl?

386. - And hurry.

387. - Well, Jed, you old hounddog,

388. what do you think of my collection of critters?

389. - I ain't never seen nothing like it in all my born days.

390. Granny, how about that?

391. - If that don't beat all, a jackass with stripes.

392. - Granny, you ain't seen nothing yet,

393. they even got bobcats with stripes.

394. But them rascals is so high,

395. and as long as from here to that post.

396. - Yeah, they's what they call tigers,

397. cost me a heap of money

398. bringing them all the way from India.

399. - Mr. Jones, you ought to be ashamed,

400. putting all them critters in cages and pens.

401. Don't you know critters like to be turned loose?

402. - Now, now, you simmer down, Elly.

403. The only reason I put them in pens and cages,

404. so your pa could look them over, see what he's buying.

405. I didn't want to have to have him go traipsing

406. all through the brush.

407. - Nice of him, isn't it, Elly May?

408. - Well, I reckon, but turn them loose quick as you can.

409. - Yeah, I will, I will, Elly.

410. That's a wonderful girl you got there.

411. As a matter of fact, you got a wonderful family,

412. my kind of people, as Mother would say.

413. - Has anybody seen Jethro?

414. - Jethro?

415. - It's awful hard to keep track of him

416. amongst all these animals.

417. I didn't mean that the way it sounded.

418. Course Jethro's a good-looking boy.

419. - Well, why shouldn't he be? His mother's so beautiful.

420. - Well, I'll be doggone.

421. Ain't they funny-looking little fellers.

422. - Yeah, I don't blame you for staring,

423. I told Ma I looked funny in a neck tie.

424. - Jed, Jed, that wild daughter of yours

425. jumped in with them bears.

426. I seen her, she's in there with them big varmints.

427. Come and look, quick.

428. - Sure have been hankering to meet up with you fellas,

429. Pa says when his pa was a boy,

430. there was lots of you fellas in the hills back home.

431. But by the time I come along, you'd all gone away.

432. Sure do like you, so nice and soft and furry.

433. You're friendly, too.

434. If my pa buys this here Griffith Park,

435. I'll take you home with me.

436. There's a heap more room there to roam around

437. than you got here.

438. And there's some nice big trees for you and me to climb.

439. - Oh, I can't look.

440. One-one hug from those powerful arms could kill you.

441. - Don't squeeze too hard, Elly May,

442. Mr. Jones is worried you might hurt his bear.

443. - All right, Pa.

444. - Get off the road, you crazy hillbillies.

445. - Get that pile of junk off the freeway.

446. - Dad-blame it, I wish I'd have brought my shotgun,

447. they wouldn't talk back to us that way.

448. - Drivers on this road sure aren't very polite.

449. - They down right mean, a-honkin' and a-yellin' like that.

450. - They had ought to be taught to drive

451. with what you call courtesy, that means good manners.

452. - You got a wonderful idea there, young fella,

453. and your uncle Jed is just the man who could do it.

454. - Me? How?

455. - Well, if you owned this road,

456. people would have to drive like you say.

457. - Is it for sale?

458. - Well, it, it wasn't, but,

459. I've decided to make you a package deal.

460. I'm gonna sell you Griffith Park,

461. the Hollywood Bowl, and the freeway that connects them.

462. - Tell you what, you come on home for supper with us,

463. and we'll talk it out.

464. - Jethro, you stop at the Hollywood Bowl.

465. I want to take another look

466. at where I'm gonna be performing.

467. - Okay, Ma.

468. - Jed, you and Mr. Jones go on inside,

469. and talk out your business.

470. Jethro and Elly May and me will be back directly.

471. - Where you going, Granny?

472. - I'll tell you later. Jethro, drive around the back,

473. we got a few things to pick up.

474. - Wonderful little woman,

475. reminds me for all the world of my sweet little,

476. gentle, gray-haired, old mother.

477. - You heard me.

478. I said if I let you use our freeway,

479. do you promise to drive with...

480. What is it again, Jethro?

481. - Courtesy.

482. - Yes, that means being polite to other folks driving,

483. and not speeding or honking or yelling at 'em.

484. - Or cutting in and out of lanes.

485. Over at school they told us that causes accidents.

486. - Well, speak up, do you promise?

487. - Yes, ma'am.

488. - All right, get back in your car and pass through,

489. next.

490. - Mr. Clampett, I hope we're not too late.

491. - We'd have been here sooner,

492. but we had to avoid the freeway,

493. there's an unbelievable jam-up.

494. - That Mr. Jones is a crook,

495. I hope you didn't give him no money.

496. - Oh, Pearl, I didn't give him no money.

497. - And where is he?

498. - Inside.

499. - And you know something? He ain't no mountain man,

500. he can't hold his liquor worth shucks.

501. - Mr. Clampett.

502. How would you like to buy the city of San Francisco?

503. - See what I mean?

504. And he didn't have no more than half a jug.