The Beverly Hillbillies 1x22

Bea Benaderet as Cousin Pearl Bodine • Harriet MacGibbon as Margaret Drysdale • Narda Onyx as Mlle. Denise

Granny says Jed and Duke his dog are both down without a woman in their lives. French woman Mlle. Denise and her poodle that she brought to breed with Mrs. Drysdale's dog arrive. Duke takes a fancy to the poodle and Jed takes a fancy to Denise. Meanwhile Mrs. Drysdale has arranged a "marriage" between her dog Claude and Mlle. Denise's, complete with a decorated bedroom.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - "The Beverly's Hillbillies!"

2. - That's pretty, Granny.

3. You gonna show me how to play your lap organ someday?

4. - Sure, Honey, like my Ma showed me

5. and like her Ma showed her

6. and her Ma before that.

7. - Sure is old, ain't it?

8. - Nigh on to 200 years!

9. - Granny, reckon you can whomp up a mess of spring tonic

10. for old Duke and me?

11. We is feeling like the hindquarters of bad luck.

12. - I know what'll perk old Duke up!

13. Can I give it to him, Granny? - If'n he wants it.

14. - Course he wants it, don't ya, Duke?

15. Looky here, Duke, look at this nice bone!

16. Pa, he must be sick.

17. - Well, he ain't exactly sick, Elly May,

18. we just both feeling ornery, dragged out,

19. don't give two shucks for nothing.

20. Granny, reckon you could brew up some of that tonic?

21. - Sure, I can brew up a pot of Choctaw root,

22. some cherry bark bitters, (audience laughing)

23. some red clover blossoms and sassafras

24. but I ain't a gonna do it.

25. - Why not?

26. - Cause that won't help what's ailing you and Duke.

27. - Well, what do you reckon we got?

28. - Elly May, you go on outside,

29. I wanna talk to your Pa.

30. - Yes, Ma'am, Granny.

31. - It ain't what you got,

32. it's what you ain't got that's ailing you.

33. - Well, what is it we ain't got?

34. - Now, I could tell you in three words.

35. Female company! (audience laughing)

36. - Female company.

37. We got a house full of females,

38. you, Elly May, Pearl.

39. - I ain't talking about female kin folks!

40. - Granny is you suggesting that, you want, you...

41. Granny, me and Duke is too old

42. for that courting and sparking nonsense!

43. - You ain't half too old (audience laughing)

44. and a fine figure of a man, too!

45. A heap lot better then them slick-haired,

46. shiny-shoed, sweet-smelling city dudes!

47. - You talking plum silly,

48. you gonna make that tonic or ain't ya?

49. - I ain't.

50. - Come on, Duke, let's us go hunting,

51. that'll get our blood stirred up.

52. - Depends on what ya hunt. (audience laughing)

53. - How'd you like to tree a bobcat?

54. - See?

55. - Ah, that's all right,

56. we get out in the woods, get to smelling bobcat tracks,

57. reckon you get the idea?

58. - Well, if you wanna get the idea

59. you go next door to the Drysdale's

60. and smell some orange blossoms,

61. I think they're getting ready for a wedding.

62. - Drysdale?

63. Hmm, wonder who's getting hitched?

64. - I don't know, must be some kin of Mrs. Drysdale,

65. she's been frolic-ating around

66. like a chicken in the corn crib.

67. - Oh, happy day, greetings all!

68. - Mrs. Drysdale.

69. - Margaret, I've asked you not to barge in here

70. while I'm working.

71. - Oh, pish-posh! (audience laughing)

72. What's more important then our darling getting married.

73. - Sonny's getting married?

74. - Oh, no, no, no, Dear!

75. Claude is getting married! (audience laughing)

76. - Congratulations, Claude!

77. - Margaret, dogs do not get married, they mate.

78. - Milburn, don't be crude! (audience laughing)

79. I prefer to consider Claude

80. and his beautiful Parisian bride as entering wedlock.

81. - Parisian bride?

82. - Darling, I told you last week

83. I was having a bride for Claude

84. flown in from Paris. (audience laughing)

85. Really, Milburn, you don't listen!

86. All you think about is your silly old bank.

87. - Forgive me, Dear.

88. Congratulations, Claude. (audience laughing)

89. - Be careful, his nail polish may not be dry.

90. He's just come from the Poodle Parlor.

91. He had a clip and a manicure and a dye job!

92. - I thought he was a different color!

93. - Becoming, isn't it?

94. And so natural,

95. only his hairdresser knows for sure.

96. Oh, Ms. Hathaway, I'll need you today.

97. - Oh, what for, a bridesmaid? (Jane laughing)

98. - Oh, of course not, Milburn.

99. I'll need her as an interpreter.

100. You see, Mademoiselle Denise speaks almost no English.

101. - Very few poodles do. (audience laughing)

102. - Oh, really, Milburn, you just don't pay attention!

103. Mademoiselle Denise is the owner of Claude's bride-to-be.

104. She's flying her here personally for the nuptials.

105. Well, let's all go home and meet the bride!

106. Well, don't you want to be there?

107. - Oh, more than anything else in the world, Dear,

108. but I, I better stay here and work.

109. After all, I have Claude's wedding to pay for

110. and soon there'll be other little mouths to feed.

111. - Oh, yes!

112. Isn't that a thrilling thought!

113. Milburn, people won't call me a grandmother, will they?

114. - Oh, of course not, Dear! (audience laughing)

115. Of course not! (laughing)

116. - Goodbye. (door slamming)

117. - They'll call ya a nut! (audience laughing)

118. - Well, now, get outside, both of ya!

119. House ain't no place for cleaning guns.

120. I got everything spic and span

121. and I'd like it to stay that way for a while.

122. - Well, now listen, oh, Pearl, wait a minute,

123. my hat's in there and my box of cartridges!

124. - Here's your hat.

125. There's your cartridges. (audience laughing)

126. - I swear to goodness, if she ain't the cleaningest woman.

127. If she had her way she'd have slipcovers on the walls.

128. Don't you let her get you down now, Duke,

129. this city livings is what's got us feeling bottom heavy.

130. Just wait'll Jethro gets back, (audience laughing)

131. we'll get him to drive us way out in the woods.

132. The three of us'll light out through the tall timber,

133. we'll have us a high, old time.

134. How's that sound to you?

135. Hmm?

136. Jethro better get here pretty quick.

137. - Pardon, Monsieur, (speaking in French), Madame Drysdale?

138. - Excuse me, Ma'am,

139. but I didn't quite get what you said there.

140. - Is this the Drysdale home?

141. - Oh, no, Ma'am!

142. Drysdale's place is next one over yonder.

143. - Yonder? (audience laughing)

144. - Behind them tall trees there,

145. come this way and I'll show it to you.

146. Now, sight twixt them first and second trees there,

147. you catch a glimpse of the Drysdale house.

148. See?

149. - Ah, oui!

150. - Now you come a mite further you can see more of it.

151. - (speaking in French)

152. - No offense, Ma'am, but you're kinda hard to understand,

153. whereabouts you from?

154. - (speaking in French)

155. - Oh, well, betcha it's a nice place.

156. - Merci beaucoup.

157. Au revoir.

158. - Yeah, well, thank ya,

159. same to you and many more of 'em.

160. Ah, she's a mighty handsome looking woman.

161. Smelled pretty, too, didn't she, Duke?

162. Duke?

163. Where'd you go, Duke? (audience laughing)

164. - Granny? (feet thumping)

165. Granny!

166. Granny!

167. - Yeah, Pearl?

168. - Do you know who's got a secret sweetheart?

169. - No, Pearl, but hum it for me,

170. I'll pick it up! (audience laughing)

171. - Oh, it ain't a song, Granny!

172. It's Jed!

173. He's got a lady friend

174. and she's purty, too!

175. - Well, the old rooster took my advice!

176. - Hey, Granny, Aunt Pearl!

177. Look at old Duke, he's got a new friend!

178. - Well, by dingies, they both took my advice! (laughing)

179. I reckon maybe I'll take it next myself.

180. - Pa, have you seen Duke's new friend, Cottonpatch?

181. - Well, no I ain't.

182. Come on up here, let's take a look at you!

183. - Ain't she pretty?

184. I named her Cottonpatch cause her hair grows in clumps.

185. - I reckon it was clipped that way, Elly May,

186. but the fella that done it

187. must'ah had the clippers in one hand and a jug in the other,

188. he missed the biggest part of her.

189. - Old Duke sure has took a fancy to her,

190. he dug up four of his best bones and give 'em to her!

191. - She done a lot for Duke, too.

192. Afore she come along

193. Duke was feeling lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut

194. but look at him now! (audience laughing)

195. - Yeah, oh!

196. Look at this here collar that Cottonpatch was a wearing.

197. I was afeared she'd catch it in the bushes

198. running after Duke so I took it off!

199. - Mm-mm, ain't that fancy!

200. Duke, are you sure you ain't after that girl

201. just for her money? (audience laughing)

202. - Reckon them's diamonds, Pa?

203. - Might could be.

204. Elly May, this dog belongs to somebody,

205. somebody that sets great store by her, too.

206. Folks don't just get... (car engine humming)

207. - Colette, Colette!

208. - I reckon this must be the party that owns Cottonpatch.

209. I'll put her in the car for you, Ma'am.

210. There you are, Ma'am.

211. - Granny, I tell ya I seen it with my own eyes.

212. Jed and this handsome looking city woman

213. walking along, arm in arm,

214. just like they was a pair of lovers!

215. - Oh, that sly old dickens! (audience laughing)

216. Where was they?

217. - Right out front there and in broad daylight!

218. Come on, I'll show you right where they were.

219. She's back!

220. - Pearl Bodine, shame on you!

221. You gonna spy on your own cousin?

222. - I sure am!

223. - Me, too! (audience laughing)

224. - Ah, Monsieur, (speaking in French).

225. - Oh, uh, say, Ma'am,

226. here's something I reckon you'd like to have.

227. - Oh, Monsieur!

228. Merci, mon amie!

229. - Did you see what he give her?

230. - A diamond choker! (audience laughing)

231. - Yeah.

232. - Must'ah cost old Jed a fortune!

233. Here, back up! (audience laughing)

234. - You'll have this place a shining!

235. - Hey, Granny?

236. - Yeah, Pearl?

237. - If'n you had a beau driving up in a fancy car

238. and a hugging and a kissing you,

239. uh, wouldn't you want your kinfolk

240. to meet that beau?

241. - I sure would, Pearl,

242. specially if I was giving that beau expensive presents.

243. - Ya mean like a diamond choker?

244. - Yes, well, I mean...

245. - (laughing) You know, I hear tell

246. that French women is real fond of jewelry.

247. - If you two are trying to make something

248. out of what just happened outside

249. you can leave off before you get started.

250. All I was doing was returning that lady's dog

251. and that diamond choker was a dogs collar.

252. - Oh, say, Granny?

253. - Yeah, Pearl?

254. - What do you reckon

255. that red stuff was smeared on Jed's cheek?

256. - I reckon he cut himself returning that dog.

257. - Either that or his lady friend scratched herself

258. on his whiskers when she kissed him!

259. - That must be real love, Pearl,

260. if you can kiss a man

261. with a crop of stubble on his face like that!

262. - You better believe it, Granny!

263. - Here we are, the bridal suite!

264. I do hope you like it. (audience laughing)

265. - (speaking in French)

266. - I decorated it all myself!

267. I used as much French silk as I could find.

268. The orange blossoms are from our own trees

269. and these are Claude's trophies!

270. - (speaking in French).

271. - Oh, bon!

272. - Well, if everything is in order

273. I'd like to have Claude come in.

274. He's never seen the bridal suite

275. nor his bride, of course!

276. It's bad luck. (audience laughing)

277. - (speaking in French)

278. - (speaking in French)

279. - Mademoiselle Denise is delighted with the appointment.

280. - Marvelous!

281. I've arranged with the butler to release Claude

282. as soon as he hears the music.

283. I'll start the record now!

284. This is such a beautiful moment,

285. I just know I'm going to cry. (audience laughing)

286. Come, Claude, you handsome groom!

287. You're lovely bride is waiting!

288. Ah! (shrilly screaming)

289. - (speaking in French)

290. - It's that horrible hillbilly beast!

291. - Uncle Jed? Came home quick as I could,

292. we going hunting now?

293. - Ah, you go, Jethro, I don't feel much like hunting.

294. - That's why you said you wanted to go!

295. You said you and old Duke

296. was feeling all dragged out and ornery

297. and you wanted to go hunting to get your blood to stirring,

298. that's what you said.

299. - I ain't saying it now, why don't you go ahead without me.

300. - But I don't need to go hunting to stir my blood,

301. it's already stirring!

302. - Well, then, stir it some more! (audience laughing)

303. - You keep turning away from me, Uncle Jed!

304. - You done shaved! (audience laughing)

305. Hey, Ma, Granny, Elly May, come see!

306. Uncle Jed shaved in the middle of the day!

307. - Jethro, hush!

308. Ain't you never seen a man with a shave before?

309. - Not you.

310. Not unless there's a wedding or a funeral to go to.

311. Looky yonder at Uncle Jed!

312. - (gasping) Great clouds of buggy dust!

313. - He done mowed off his stubble!

314. - Trimmed his mustache!

315. - In the middle of the day! (audience laughing)

316. - Tarnation! (hat slapping)

317. - Look at his hair! (audience laughing)

318. - Oh, you're pretty!

319. - Ain't it stylish!

320. - It's got smell 'em on it! (audience laughing)

321. - Things have come to a sorry state

322. when a man can't shave his face and comb his hair

323. without his family cackling

324. like a bunch of chickens at a new worm!

325. - Why, Cousin Jed!

326. That ain't a nice thing to call your sweetie!

327. - Uncle Jed got a sweetie?

328. - City woman.

329. - Talks foreign.

330. - Drives a sporty car.

331. - Dresses to the T.

332. - Wears jewelry given to her by your Uncle Romeo.

333. - Your Uncle Jed.

334. - Hot diggity!

335. - Pa, am I gonna have a new Ma?

336. - No, you ain't!

337. I ain't gonna listen to more of this, uh, nonsense talk!

338. Howdy, ladies!

339. - Mademoiselle Denise, Monsieur Clampett.

340. - (speaking in French)

341. - Oh, ho, you two have met.

342. - Yes, Ma'am. (audience laughing)

343. - Monsieur Clampett, (speaking in French).

344. - She says you look different.

345. - Oh, shucks, just cause I mowed off my whiskers

346. and combed my hair! (audience laughing)

347. - Very becoming. (chuckling)

348. Oh, will you keep Duke here?

349. He's upsetting the wedding ceremony at the Drysdale's.

350. - It ain't her that's getting married, is it?

351. - Oh, no, indeed. (chuckling)

352. - Monsieur?

353. - We've got to hurry.

354. Now, you will keep Duke here?

355. - Yes, Ma'am.

356. - Mr. Clampett, (speaking in French).

357. - Ah!

358. - Oh, Mademoiselle Denise is calming the brides nerves,

359. they'll be right in. (audience laughing)

360. - Good, good!

361. This delay is so difficult for Claude,

362. I hope he doesn't get one of his migraines.

363. - Why all the perfume?

364. - I want to eradicate every vestige

365. of that horrid beast from next door.

366. Claude must never know.

367. - What in the name of F.H.A. is this?

368. - Oh, Milburn, you've come for the ceremony!

369. - No, I've come from my secretary!

370. Margaret, this used to be my den

371. and there's where my TV set was!

372. - And now it's a love nest

373. for Claude and his beautiful bride!

374. Milburn, doesn't it thrill you?

375. - I can hardly stand it. (audience laughing)

376. - Oh!

377. This is Mademoiselle Denise and this is my-

378. - Yes, yes, we've met!

379. Come on Ms. Hathaway, let's get back to the bank.

380. - Oh no, no, Dear,

381. Claude is about to meet his new bride.

382. Would you like to give her away?

383. - Can I give them both away? (audience laughing)

384. - Oh, no, silly boy!

385. Darling, you bring Claude in,

386. he'll feel more secure with his Daddum's at his side.

387. - (speaking in French)?

388. - Oh-oh, the dog next... (speaking in French).

389. - I'll close the window so that we're...

390. Oh, here's the handsome groom! (audience laughing)

391. This is a magic moment. (Duke howling)

392. - Colette, Colette, come here!

393. - Oh, what a cruel blow!

394. Quick, Milburn, call a psychiatrist!

395. - Your's or his? (audience laughing)

396. - Uncle Jed? (audience laughing)

397. Uncle Jed, is we going hunting or are you going courting?

398. - What are you talking about, I ain't going courting!

399. - Then we's going hunting! (audience laughing)

400. - I told you I didn't wanna go hunting.

401. Now, you go yourself and take Duke with you.

402. - Well, Duke don't wanna go hunting.

403. Why, he's outside right now,

404. frisking around with that there white dog

405. that Elly May calls Cottonpatch.

406. - Is she back? (audience laughing)

407. - She sure is and old Duke's happier

408. then a cat at a fish fry!

409. He's running and jumping and just playing around...

410. What are ya holding under the table, Uncle Jed?

411. - None of your business, now get out!

412. - Why, you're polishing your shoes!

413. Hey, Ma, Granny, Elly May!

414. Uncle Jed's polishing his shoes and it ain't even Sunday!

415. - Jethro, you do make more racket

416. then a jackass in a tin barn! (audience laughing)

417. I declare, this is the nosiest family

418. a man was ever burdened with! (shoe banging)

419. - Well, look at them shoes, all fresh oiled!

420. - Fancy new laces, too!

421. - And them's his best socks!

422. - And it ain't even Sunday! (audience laughing)

423. - Son, every day's Sunday when your in love!

424. - Now, that takes the rag off'n the bush!

425. I ain't in love and I just oiled my shoes

426. cause they was squeaking!

427. - They been squeaking for 15 years, as I remember,

428. you ain't never oiled 'em. (audience laughing)

429. - Young 'uns, you go on, get outside.

430. Granny and me's got some grown-up things to say.

431. - I ain't gonna listen to no more foolishness!

432. - Now, Jed, you haven't oughta fight against romance!

433. You're still young and good-looking.

434. - And you're rich, too!

435. - Yeah, and with that you don't need young and good looking.

436. - That reminds me,

437. I dug something out of the mothballs for ya.

438. Ha, ha-ha, ho-ho-ho! (audience laughing)

439. Your necktie and your derby

440. that you wore when you came a courtin' Rose Ellen.

441. All duded up and stepping out like a chicken in high oats.

442. - I got something for you, too, Jed!

443. I boiled and starched your fancy courtin' shirt!

444. - I'm gonna put this stuff back where it belongs

445. and I don't wanna hear no more words about romance!

446. - Where you going?

447. - I'm going out and dig myself a root cellar

448. and crawl in and lock it

449. so I can get a little peace and quiet!

450. - What'd you say, Mrs. Drysdale?

451. - I said, Claude's honor has been besmirched

452. and I demand satisfaction! (audience laughing)

453. Poor Claude is in a state of shock.

454. Now I demand that Claude's bride be returned immediately!

455. - Uh, yes, Ma'am, Elly will bring her right over.

456. Shoot! (phone receiver thumping)

457. Elly, you better get that poodle over there fast!

458. - I sure will!

459. - Hold on, Elly May!

460. I'm gonna take that dog back to the Drysdale's

461. and Duke, you're coming along.

462. - What?

463. - It seems to me that critters

464. oughta have the same right as people

465. to pick their own company.

466. So, we're going over there and Cottonpatch,

467. you can make up your mind who you wanna court,

468. just like I made up mine. (audience laughing)

469. - Yeah! - Yah-hoo!