The Beverly Hillbillies 1x21

Brian Kelly as Officer Kelly • Bea Benaderet as Cousin Pearl Bodine • Eddie Dean as Sergeant Dean

Granny can't stand Pearl's yodeling so she reports her to the police. When one of the officers takes Pearl outside to the squad car, Granny thinks she got Pearl in trouble and becomes sad and contrite. Meanwhile, the police find Granny's still, and new trouble results.

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1. Oil, that is. Black gold, Texas tea

2. Hills, that is, swimming pools, movie stars.

3. "The Beverly Hillbillies."

4. - Hey Ma, what you want me to do with this sign?

5. - Oh, I don't care Jethro, you might as well burn it.

6. - Okay, Ma.

7. - Not in here, take it on outside.

8. - What's going on, Pearl?

9. How come you brung in your sign?

10. - Oh Jed, I give up.

11. How can I give music lessons

12. when every time I open my mouth to sing or yodel

13. 15 dogs jump on me.

14. - That's right, uncle Jed.

15. Last night when I come in,

16. they had ma treed up on top of the piano.

17. - That wasn't funny Jethro.

18. - Well, it made Granny and me laugh.

19. - Elly May give me her word

20. that she'd keep them dogs outside,

21. especially while you was performing.

22. - Well, how they getting in here?

23. - I don't know, but we'll find out.

24. Jethro, you stay here and watch the front door,

25. I'll go watch the cellar door.

26. We know he can't get in the back

27. 'cause Granny's in the kitchen.

28. Pearl, you go on in the drawing room and cut loose.

29. - Go get her gang. Go on in-

30. - Sounds like they get your Ma treed,

31. did they come through here?

32. - No, sir.

33. - Not through the cellar neither.

34. All right you dogs, quiet down now, quiet down.

35. Jethro, get your Ma down off her perch.

36. - Jed, I've taken all I can stand fer.

37. Either you get rid of them dogs or I'm leaving.

38. - Yeah, Pearl, yeah now, calm down.

39. - Pa, you ain't gonna get rid of my dogs!

40. - Now, Elly May you let me handle these.

41. Your aunt Pearl been set upon by these dogs

42. and we got to weed out the vicious ones.

43. Jethro, you commence to handing them to me.

44. - Yes, sir, uncle Jed.

45. - Pa, please.

46. - Now, I'm going to handle this Elly May.

47. - Here's a mean looking one, Pearl.

48. - Well, I don't reckon he's one of the mean ones, Jed.

49. - You can keep that one, Elly.

50. Uh-oh, look what who we got here, the ringleader.

51. You ever see such a vicious looking face?

52. - He ain't exactly a ringleader.

53. He, he just kind of went along with the mob.

54. - Look at this ornery one here.

55. Don't get too close to this one.

56. Look at him, guilty as sin.

57. He's praying for mercy.

58. - I don't even remember seeing this one before.

59. - Give me the next killer.

60. - How about this mean looking varmint here, Pearl?

61. - Oh, let 'em all stay.

62. Just keep them out of the house

63. whilst I'm singing and yodeling.

64. - Well, how'd they get in, Ma?

65. - Well, they seem to come from that direction over there.

66. - Well, what's everybody staring at me fer?

67. I didn't let them dogs in.

68. - Nobody said you did, Granny.

69. - My own kin has turned against me,

70. giving me the evil eye.

71. You wanna get shed of me

72. because I'm old and ailing and all crippled up with

73. the rheumatism and the lumbago.

74. Worn out in the service of my kin!

75. Well, you don't have to put up with old Granny anymore.

76. I'm gonna throw myself in the cement pond and drown.

77. Then I won't be no more trouble to you.

78. Don't nobody try and stop me.

79. Don't nobody try to stop me!

80. It's better this way,

81. then Pearl can have everything to herself.

82. - Well, Pearl, you heard her.

83. Reckon you better take over the kitchen.

84. - All right Jed, I'll get right out there.

85. - You keep out of my kitchen!

86. - Granny, put me down!

87. - If you don't stay out of my kitchen,

88. I'm going to hit you so hard a top your head,

89. you'll be able to ride half fare.

90. - If that poor, old, wore out, sick, cripple

91. little woman ever gets her strength back

92. we better all look out.

93. - Go get her gang.

94. Take the usual reward.

95. - Granny, close that door.

96. - Oh, Jed.

97. I only opened the door to let in a little fresh air.

98. - And a lot of dogs.

99. - Well, I just can't take Pearl screeching any longer.

100. Sounds like a pine nut in a sawmill.

101. - Mrs. Drysdale's been complaining too,

102. calls the police most every day.

103. - That ain't a bit neighborly, is it?

104. - Mrs. Drysdale promised he wouldn't call no more.

105. Now Granny, you leave them dogs outside.

106. - Give me the police.

107. - Man, I thought that complaint would never come through.

108. - How could anyone complain about a thing as beautiful

109. as Pearl's yodeling?

110. - Sarge, you're not well.

111. - Jed, you let them in.

112. I just know it's that nice policeman

113. who's crazy about my yodeling.

114. - I don't think so, this morning, Pearl.

115. - Oh sure it is.

116. Comes by pert near every morning 'bout now,

117. him and that young policeman.

118. - Oh, it is you, come in.

119. - Thank you Mr. Clampett.

120. - Morning, sir.

121. - Morning.

122. - Well, look who's here, Officer Dean.

123. - You can just call me Eddie ma'am.

124. - Well, iffn you'll call me Pearl, Eddie.

125. - It'll be my pleasure, Pearl.

126. - I've got a brand new yodel to show you.

127. - Wonderful.

128. Just so we won't disturb the peace.

129. - You're looking for Elly May?

130. - Who?

131. - My daughter.

132. - Oh, no, sir.

133. Where is she?

134. - Out by the cement pond.

135. - Pond? Oh, you mean a swimming pool?

136. - Yeah, reckon you could call it that.

137. - Elly and Jethro swims in it.

138. - I'd better get out there right away, Mr. Clampett,

139. we've had a lot of reports

140. about people stealing swimming pool water.

141. I mean, pool furniture.

142. - Oh yeah, you better get out there

143. and keep your eye on that furniture.

144. You'll find her working with her dogs and cats and birds.

145. - Thank you.

146. Did you say dogs and cats and birds?

147. - Yeah.

148. She's got her dogs and cats to be friends,

149. now she's working on the cats and birds.

150. - Everybody can be friends if they just try.

151. And you two is friends now.

152. Just remember, Rusty, folks don't eat their friends.

153. You two have a good ride,

154. and go show Granny how y'all made up.

155. - That's the best batch of rheumatis medicine

156. I ever did cook up.

157. Yes sirree, that's first rate!

158. When I commence to seeing birds riding horseback on cats,

159. that's enough tasting.

160. - Hi, Granny.

161. - Oh, Elly, here, keep the fire going under my still,

162. I'm going up and rest a while.

163. - Granny,

164. you promised Pa you wouldn't run your still no more.

165. - Mm, just to make a little rheumatis medicine.

166. Case I wake up one of these bitter, cold nights

167. and get a seizure.

168. - Granny, it don't get bitter cold out here.

169. - Jethro read in the newspaper

170. where it's gonna get 20 below tonight.

171. 'Course that's in Alaska.

172. But, if I wake up and think about it, I might get a seizure.

173. - Elly May?

174. - Down here, by the fire.

175. - Elly May, what are you doing?

176. Now this is illegal, you can get arrested for this.

177. - I can?

178. - Well, absolutely, open fires aren't allowed in this area.

179. Here, I'll help you put it out.

180. - How am I doing?

181. - Just fine.

182. You got the makings of a first rate yodeler.

183. - Thank you.

184. Oh, say, I got to get back to the car and check in.

185. - Check in?

186. - On the radio.

187. - Come on, I'll show you.

188. - Oh, is it all right?

189. - Sure. Come on.

190. - Well, I reckon

191. I hadn't better resist an officer of the law.

192. - That's right, just come along quietly.

193. Remember, I've got a gun.

194. - Uncle Jed, Granny, come quick.

195. - What is it Jethro?

196. - That policeman arrested Ma.

197. - Arrested her?

198. - Yes sir, he had her by the arm,

199. a dragging her out to his police car.

200. I'll go see if they's gone yet!

201. - I wouldn't have called police if I thought-

202. - Granny, you mean you set the police on Pearl?

203. Your own kin?

204. - I reckon I did, Jed.

205. I don't recollect it quite clear.

206. I guess it's because I'm so old and sick

207. and ailing and puny and frail and all crippled up with reum-

208. - All right now, don't start that again.

209. Granny, I just can't understand you turning on your own kin.

210. - Well, it was just it, it-

211. It was the hot Californy sun that done it,

212. that's what done it.

213. It softened my poor old brain.

214. You ain't gonna throw me out of the clan, are you Jed?

215. - Uncle Jed!

216. He ain't took Ma away yet, they still out front.

217. - Maybe there's time to right the wrong you've done.

218. - Oh, I will. I will.

219. I'll do anything.

220. Pearl, Pearl, I'm coming Pearl!

221. I commin'.

222. - I sure wish I could invite you into the kitchen

223. for some coffee and vittles,

224. but Granny's so mean and cantankerous when it comes to-

225. - Pearl! Forgive me.

226. I'm the one that sent the law on you.

227. Please forgive me Pearl I'm so ashamed.

228. Forgive me Pearl! Don't let Jed throw me out of the clan.

229. - You set the law on me?

230. - Oo, I'm low Pearl.

231. Awful, low and mean.

232. Step on me Pearl, step on me.

233. Step on me like you would a worm.

234. Hop on me. Grind your feet on me.

235. - Granny, get up out of there.

236. - Oh, Pearl.

237. Mr. Policeman, run over me.

238. I don't deserve to live.

239. Run over me,

240. and throw my poor, old, mean body to the buzzards.

241. - All right Granny, now that's enough.

242. - But, Pearl hasn't forgiven me yet.

243. Mr. Policeman, give your gun to Pearl

244. and let her shoot me.

245. - Oh Granny, stop that!

246. - Put a curse on me, Pearl.

247. - I forgive ya, I forgive ya.

248. - But I deserve to be punished, and punished bad.

249. Sing to me, Pearl.

250. - Granny, Pearl done said she forgives you.

251. - Am I taken back to the clan?

252. Am I welcome to the bosom of my family?

253. - I reckon.

254. - Pearl, you are an angel.

255. You can have anything I got anytime,

256. you can have any part of my kitchen.

257. Throw me out of it.

258. Set the dogs on me.

259. - Take your Granny into the house please.

260. - Sure Ma, ain't you whomp her?

261. - No, I didn't whomp her.

262. - Whomp me, Pearl!

263. - Oh, Jethro, take her in the house.

264. - Come on in the house and whomp me Pearl!

265. - Well, I'm sorry Mr. Policeman,

266. but Granny, you know, she gets worked up every now and then.

267. - I understand.

268. - Now, I can invite you in the kitchen

269. to have some vittles and coffee.

270. - Oh, no thanks, I see my partner coming,

271. we better get moving.

272. - Well, young feller, find anything missing?

273. - Oh no, sir, she's got everything.

274. I mean, everything was there,

275. that is, around the pool.

276. - Well, you come back and see us, hear?

277. - We will, just keep yodeling.

278. - Bye now.

279. - Bye.

280. - See you when the roads get better.

281. - Bye bye.

282. It's quite a family, isn't it Sarge?

283. - As you young fellas would say, "Like wow, man."

284. - You know, here they are with all these millions

285. in this big, beautiful mansion,

286. and guess how they heat the water for their swimming pool?

287. - How?

288. - Well, they got this big round,

289. kind of, copper boiler, see.

290. And coming out of the top is this, kind of,

291. spout and attached to that is this corkscrew tubing

292. that goes down and leads into a big jar.

293. - Brian-

294. - And they keep this fire going under this big boy.

295. - Officer Kelly-

296. - But imagine how long it would take-

297. - City boy!

298. - Yes Sarge?

299. - You have just described a still.

300. - A what?

301. - A still! No wonder they got so much money.

302. These people are moonshiners.

303. - Pearl, is this bowl big enough?

304. 'Cause if it ain't you just say the word

305. and I'll fetch anothern.

306. - Granny, you don't have to fetch and carry for me.

307. - It's my pleasure.

308. It's an honor to be in the same kitchen

309. with such a good cook as you are.

310. Whatcha making?

311. - My special sweet potato pie.

312. - Did you hear that Jed?

313. Did you hear what this beautiful cousin of yours is making?

314. - Yeah, I heard Granny.

315. - Pearl, before I go on to my reward,

316. would you give me the recipe for that pie?

317. I want to make it for the angels up yonder.

318. That is, if they'll take me in after the shameful thing

319. I'd done today,

320. by setting the law on my own kin.

321. A devil got into me, Pearl.

322. - Granny, don't go to bawlin', twas no harm done.

323. - But, kinfolk should stick together.

324. - That's the truth, blood's thicker than water.

325. - Did you hear what he said?

326. Did you hear what Jed said?

327. That's the wisest thing I ever heard in all my life,

328. blood is thicker than water.

329. - Granny, I didn't make it up.

330. - But, nobody ever said it like you said it, Jed.

331. It makes me proud to belong to your clan.

332. I do belong, don't I, Jed?

333. - Yes, Granny.

334. - Oh bless you, bless you both!

335. I don't deserve such good kin.

336. - Pure pleasure to see you all getting along at last.

337. Reckon it takes a storm to bring out the rainbow.

338. - Did you hear what he said?

339. Pearl,

340. don't strain yourself reaching for anything like that.

341. Here, stand on me.

342. - Oh, Granny, get up.

343. You don't have to wait on me.

344. - Well, I've got to make up for what I've done to you Pearl.

345. Order me, command me!

346. - Well, all right, let me have a couple of pie tins.

347. - What else Pearl?

348. - Hand me the flour?

349. - What else Pearl?

350. - Well, Granny, uh, maybe you could help me later.

351. Right now I just would, kind of,

352. like to be in the kitchen by myself.

353. - I understand. I've got some things outside I can tend to.

354. - It's just I want this potato pie to be special good

355. for Eddie.

356. - Who?

357. - Officer Dean, good looking policeman.

358. - Oh, I wouldn't get too thick with the law, Pearl.

359. They can be awful nosy.

360. - Oh, Eddie and me's just yodeling acquaintances,

361. so far.

362. - Remember Pearl, where there's the law, there's trouble,

363. as sure as a goose goes barefoot.

364. - It's a still all right, there's no question about it.

365. - Well, that doesn't mean they're making moonshine.

366. Maybe it's something harmless.

367. - I'll show you how harmless it is, come on.

368. Strike a match.

369. - Now, toss the match in there.

370. - In the water?

371. - Toss it.

372. - Hey Sarge, we're not going to arrest Elly May for this,

373. are we?

374. I'm sure she's not responsible for it.

375. - I don't think Pearl is either.

376. - Mr. Clampett seemed like such a wonderful man.

377. - It's probably Granny.

378. Anybody who would lie down in front of a police car

379. and say, "Run over me" has got to be gassed.

380. - Well, maybe Granny doesn't know it's wrong

381. to make that stuff.

382. - That's possible,

383. Pearl says she refuses to give up the customs of the hills.

384. - Well, it looks like Pearl was right.

385. - Yeah, and there's Granny's old still to prove it.

386. - Say Pearl, you see anything of them two policemen?

387. - Not since they left.

388. - Well, that's just it, they didn't,

389. their police car is still out front.

390. - Oh, That Eddie.

391. Oh, I hope he's not so gone on me

392. that he's neglecting his duties.

393. - Oh, here's Granny back to help you, Pearl.

394. - Good.

395. Granny, I need your rendering skillet.

396. - I'll see that you get it Pearl.

397. - Say, I was just telling Pearl,

398. Granny, that police car's still out front.

399. I can't figure it myself,

400. but Pearl seems to understand.

401. - Uh-huh.

402. - Granny, did you find the skillet?

403. - Yeah, Pearl.

404. - Well, let me have it.

405. - Sure is heartwarming to see you two-

406. Granny!

407. - What was that loud ringing noise?

408. - Granny!

409. Granny, why in the world did you-

410. - I heard the meal gong, is vittles ready?

411. - Don't touch her, she's tainted!

412. - Tainted?

413. - That sure is a fancy new meal gong, me and Skippy-

414. - What happened to aunt Pearl?

415. - Granny whomped her,

416. and I reckon she better tell me how come, right now.

417. - Youngins, you know the code of the hills.

418. What is the lowest, meanest, traitorous thing

419. a friend can do to his neighbor?

420. - Tell the revenuers he's got a still.

421. - Here sits the traitor that done it.

422. She's the one that ain't fit to belong to the clan.

423. - Granny,

424. you promised me you wouldn't make no more moonshine.

425. - I'm making medicine!

426. You want me all narrowed up and twisted

427. in the grip of my rheumatis?

428. Is that the thanks I get

429. for working my poor old fingers to the bone?

430. - Yonder comes the law, two policemen.

431. - Barricade the door! I'll get the tables!

432. Then put her body across it and we'll shoot from behind her.

433. - Whoa, Granny.

434. - Elly, you get the flag! Jethro, you get the guns!

435. And I'll throw limes at 'em till you get back!

436. - Nobody do nothing. We ain't gonna fight the law.

437. - We ain't gonna fight?

438. What are we, a clan or a nest of mice?

439. - You heard me.

440. Jethro, you and Elly take some of that cold water,

441. bring your Ma to.

442. I'll take care of the law.

443. - Clampett, we'd like to talk to you about that still

444. down by the swimming pool.

445. - Yes, sir,

446. I figured you'd catch me sooner or later.

447. Well, I'm ready to go with you,

448. I'll make no trouble.

449. - Are you the one who's running it?

450. - Me and me only.

451. - Pa ain't running it, it's me.

452. That's my still, ain't it Jethro?

453. - No sir, that's my still!

454. - Don't listen to these youngins, it's my still.

455. Now come on, arrest me.

456. Let's get it over with.

457. - Well, that ain't true.

458. If you want to know who that still belongs to

459. I'll tell you-

460. it's me.

461. - But Pearl!

462. - Put the handcuffs on me.

463. - Now just a darn minute,

464. ain't nobody going to take credit for my work 'cept me.

465. And if it's against the law

466. to make a little rheumatis medicine,

467. then take me to the chain gang.

468. - Hold it, hold it.

469. - Appears like we's all going to the chain gang.

470. - Nobody will go anywhere.

471. If Granny will promise to stop

472. making rheumatis medicine.

473. - Well, I reckon what I made today

474. will hold me through the winter.

475. - Well, I wouldn't count on that.

476. You see, we accidentally spilled all the evidence

477. into the swimming pool.

478. - Swimming pool? Oh, poor Charlie!

479. - Who's Charlie?

480. - My pet duck!

481. - Best get some coffee to going Granny,

482. looks like we got a drunk duck on our hands.

483. - One thing, he ain't never gonna be bothered

484. with rheumatis.