The Beverly Hillbillies 1x2

1. - (Announcer) "The Beverly Hillbillies."

2. - Welcome. Welcome.

3. - Howdy.

4. Well now, ain't that handy?

5. - What's that, pa?

6. - Well, the road takes a bend in here,

7. runs right by the front door.

8. - No, Mr. Clampett, this is your driveway.

9. It goes with the house.

10. - Is this thing a house? - Oh, yes indeed.

11. - It was built by John Barrymore,

12. one of our finest actors.

13. - Pretty fair stone mason, too.

14. - Hey, Jed!

15. This here is dandy soil.

16. - Fine, Granny, we'll commence plowin' tomorrow.

17. - But this is Beverly Hills.

18. - Dirt, is dirt.

19. - Yes, I know, but...

20. Why don't we look around inside, eh?

21. Well, here we are.

22. I hope you're going to like this place

23. I picked out for you.

24. It may be a trifle larger than what you're used to,

25. but I feel a man with $25 million in my bank

26. should live in a manner that...

27. Come in, come in, this is your home.

28. As I say, it may be a bit more than you're used to,

29. but I'm sure you'll be comfortable.

30. Now my secretary will be over right away

31. to help you with the hiring of servants

32. or whatever problems you may have.

33. She's a very efficient girl, Miss Hathaway.

34. - Jed!

35. Jed!

36. Jed.

37. You and Jethro fetchin' my stove

38. so that I can get some viddles to cooking?

39. - You have a beautiful stove.

40. - Thank you. Fetch it in, Jed.

41. You scare up some wood, Elly.

42. - No. No, I mean you have a stove

43. already installed in the kitchen.

44. - Where's that?

45. - I'll show you.

46. Excuse us a minute.

47. - Elly, you go with Granny.

48. She'll still need you to fetch some wood.

49. - Sure, pa.

50. - Uncle Jed. Guess what?

51. There's a whole 'nother house up here?

52. - Jethro, come down from there.

53. Likely that might belong to somebody else.

54. - Here we are.

55. This is your kitchen.

56. Oh, and here's the stove,

57. the last word in food preparation.

58. And speaking of food,

59. you'll find everything you could possibly want

60. stored right in here, see?

61. Well, I'll leave you ladies to your culinary delights.

62. Au revoir, bon appetit.

63. - Talks gibberish.

64. - You can set a great deal of stow

65. on this here stove, Granny.

66. - Well, we'll see.

67. Elly, you run out and fetch some wood.

68. I'll get a fire going in here and we'll see.

69. - Jehtro, I hope it's all right for you

70. to be missing school.

71. - Oh sure, Uncle Jed.

72. They ain't strict in the 5th grade.

73. - You in the 5th grade already?

74. - Starting this year.

75. - Don't seem like no time at all

76. since I went with your ma

77. to get you started in the 1st grade.

78. You was 6 years old.

79. No bigger than that.

80. We drove clean over to Oxford,

81. so you could go to the same school your pa went to.

82. - You wouldn't know that town today, Uncle Jed.

83. - Oxford? - Yes, sir.

84. - Why that town has growed and growed

85. and spread out and built up

86. and just kept getting' bigger and bigger.

87. Why today I betcha there must be at least

88. three, or four dozen people living there.

89. - A place like that's alright to visit,

90. but I wouldn't want to live there.

91. - Can I be of any assistance?

92. - No thank you, Mr. Drysdale,

93. we just talking about Jethro here getting back to school.

94. - Oh, well we have some excellent

95. educational facilities out here, Mr. Clampett.

96. Where do you go to school, Jethro?

97. - Oxford.

98. - Oxford?

99. - Yeah, you see Jethro's ma, that's my cousin Pearl,

100. she married a Oxford man so, naturally,

101. Jethro he goes to school there, too.

102. - I'm the champion crawdad eater.

103. - At Oxford?

104. - Jethro put away three buckets of crawdads.

105. - Four.

106. - And he's learn to cipher and everything.

107. Cipher some for Mr. Drysdale.

108. - One and one's two.

109. Two and two's four.

110. Four and four is eight.

111. I have to take off my shoes to get any further than that.

112. - Never mind that.

113. I'm sure we're thinking of two different Oxfords.

114. You see there's one that's really very famous

115. and very old.

116. - That's where Jethro goes to school,

117. been there since the pioneer days.

118. - That's how come it got its name.

119. It's where the oxen used to ford the river.

120. - Folks took to callin' it Oxenford and later on,

121. it got shortened to Oxford. - Oxford.

122. Yes, I see.

123. Well, I'll be running.

124. Oh, by the way, here are your keys.

125. My secretary should be over very soon.

126. - Well, thank you very much, Mr. Drysdale,

127. for everything you've been doing for us.

128. - Oh, it's my pleasure, Mr. Clampett.

129. You see, I'm not only your banker,

130. I'm your next door neighbor.

131. - Well say, now ain't that nice?

132. Well now, why don't you bring your

133. Mrs. over tonight for supper

134. and I'll have Granny whoop up a mess of grits and hog jowls.

135. - Well, you see, right now my wife is in Boston.

136. - Well, that's too bad, when will she be back?

137. - Not too soon fortunately. Unfortunately.

138. I'll see you later.

139. - Thank you, Mr. Drysdale.

140. - So long.

141. - Uncle Jed?

142. Do you reckon one of these days

143. I can have me a little bitty ol' taste

144. of Granny's moonshine?

145. - Now Jethro,

146. you know the family rule about Granny's moonshine.

147. You get your first taste on your weddin' day

148. and not before.

149. - Well, Uncle Jed that might be an awful long time.

150. I ain't even got me no sweetheart.

151. - How come?

152. - Well, back home every time I get me a girl,

153. one of them there big fellas

154. would take her right away from me.

155. - Maybe out here in Beverly Hills-

156. - Pa, could I please have the axe?

157. I gotta split some wood for Granny.

158. - Fetch it, Jethro.

159. Ain't this place got a wood pile?

160. - Not that I could find.

161. But I found a whole row of black ol' dead tree trunks,

162. pretty near as high as this house.

163. - Ain't they kind of big for you to tackle?

164. - Why shucks no pa,

165. they're only this big around

166. and all trimmed and topped

167. and strung together with a black rope

168. so as no matter which one you cut,

169. the others keep it from falling.

170. - Somebody had a right smart idea there.

171. Just the same I think

172. I'd rather have Jethro do the cuttin'.

173. - Oh Pa, let me.

174. - Nah, cuttin' trees and choppin' logs

175. ain't no work for a girl.

176. - I'm just as strong as Jethro.

177. - You ain't neither.

178. - I am so.

179. - You ain't neither.

180. - Am so too. You want to wrestle?

181. - Darn tootin'.

182. - Now, here, here, that ain't no fair fight.

183. Somebody goin' to get hurt.

184. There you see, gettin' too rough.

185. Jethro.

186. Person can get crippled from a hold like that,

187. get up from there.

188. - I can't, Uncle Jed.

189. - You turn him loose and get up from there

190. before I take the strap to the both of you.

191. Now you get out there

192. and chop down one of them tree trunks.

193. And saw Granny some nice logs.

194. - Yes sir, Uncle Jed.

195. Could have whooped you if you hadn't tripped me.

196. - Elly, you come back here and sit down.

197. I want to talk to you.

198. - Whooped him fair and square and I'll do it again.

199. - No you won't.

200. That's what I want to talk to you about.

201. Elly May,

202. you're getting too big to wrestle with boys.

203. - I ain't as big as Jethro.

204. - I don't mean big that way, I mean growed up.

205. You're a young lady now.

206. You gotta start minding your manners

207. and fixing yourself up real nice

208. and wearin' dresses.

209. - Pa, folks would call me a sissy.

210. - Ain't sissy for girls to act like girls.

211. You see Elly,

212. I raised you like a boy and I was wrong to do it.

213. I reckon every man would like to have a son

214. and you was my only youngin'

215. and when your ma passed away,

216. I just decided to turn you into a boy.

217. By the time Granny came to help out,

218. you was too wild to tame.

219. By thunder you could outrun, outclimb, outfight,

220. and outshoot every boy in them hills.

221. - I still can, Pa.

222. - Yeah, but it ain't fittin'.

223. It ain't right for folks to go against nature.

224. Now look at ol' Duke there.

225. Reckon we could turn him into a cat?

226. - Course not.

227. - That's right.

228. 'Cause nature made him into a dog,

229. just the same way nature made you into a girl.

230. Lately, she's getting more and more positive about it.

231. - You mean my ears is growin'?

232. - No, nothing like that.

233. You're pretty.

234. - Oh, pa.

235. - I know, you don't like it when I say that,

236. but you'll like it when the young fellas

237. around here commence sayin' it and they will.

238. Only they'll probably be using words,

239. fancy words I won't even understand.

240. But Elly May,

241. ain't nobody can ever tell you

242. how pretty you really are 'cept me.

243. You're the livin' picture of your ma.

244. - You're still here?

245. I thought you were going up to the Clampett estate?

246. - I didn't think it prudent for us both

247. to be absent simultaneously.

248. In the event of crises-

249. - The only crises you have to worry about right now

250. is keeping Mr. J.D. Clampett happy.

251. Now get up there.

252. - Tell me, how did he like the flamingos?

253. - What flamingos?

254. - I thought pink flamingos around the swimming pool

255. would add a rather elegant touch.

256. - Mr. Clampett is not a man educated in elegance.

257. That will take time.

258. Right now there are more pressing problems.

259. - Of course, getting settled, the servant problem.

260. - Well, whatever they are,

261. just get up there and solve them.

262. Now J.D. Clampett is this bank's largest depositor,

263. and I'm making his satisfaction your responsibility.

264. - I accept the mantle of responsibility

265. with which you have cloaked my shoulders,

266. and I shall so conduct myself

267. that if this great financial institution

268. shall last a thousand years...

269. This was their finest hour.

270. - Dandy wood all right.

271. Got a lot of pitch and tar in it,

272. oughta burn real good.

273. - Yep.

274. If that flimsy grate holds up.

275. - Granny?

276. Granny,

277. this here's the top of that tree trunk.

278. Want I should split it up, too?

279. - No, just leave it outside.

280. - Yes 'em.

281. - This place ain't even got a wood box.

282. - Folks don't need much wood out here.

283. Remember what Pearl said? It don't get cold.

284. - Yeah, I remember.

285. It might not get cold in the day,

286. but it sure freezes solid at night.

287. - How do you know?

288. - I'll show you how I know.

289. Every bit of food in this here storage bin

290. is froze harder than a rock.

291. Yes.

292. Look.

293. - Mighty thin-skinned hog.

294. Well, I'll be doggone.

295. - Take me two days to thaw out that ham

296. before I could ever cook it.

297. - People ought to know better than to store food

298. up against the north wall.

299. Tomorrow we'll dig us a root cellar

300. and we'll put all this stuff in it.

301. Jethro, go on out there and catch us a chicken.

302. - Okay, Uncle Jed.

303. - How do you know we got chickens?

304. - Place this size is bound to have chickens.

305. - If they ain't all froze to death.

306. - Here chick, chick, chick, chick.

307. Here, chick, chick. Bk-bk-bk-bk.

308. Here chick, chick, chick...

309. Here chick, chick, chick, chick, chick.

310. Are you a chicken?

311. - Here's that bucket, you want it?

312. - You take it, Elly. See if you can find a crick.

313. I gotta have some water.

314. - No pump on this place?

315. - It ain't even got a well.

316. - Uncle Jed, Uncle Jed!

317. - Yeah boy, did you find a chicken?

318. - I found somethin'.

319. I ain't sure if it's a chicken, a goose,

320. a duck or what.

321. - Where is it?

322. - I couldn't catch it.

323. That thing can outrun a jackrabbit.

324. - Sure ain't no goose or duck.

325. - It must be a chicken.

326. - If it is,

327. ma was right about things growing big around here.

328. That thing was this high.

329. - A chicken?

330. - Ah, Jethro.

331. - Honest.

332. It's got legs this long.

333. - Dibbins on the drumsticks.

334. - Drumstick ain't much,

335. but whoever gets that neck is eatin' from now on.

336. Commences here and runs plum up to here.

337. - Jethro,

338. you ain't forgot what I said about Granny's jug of liquor.

339. - I ain't been in Granny's jug.

340. - You have, you're in for it.

341. - Honest, cross my heart.

342. - Where'd you see this chicken?

343. - Down by the cement pond.

344. - Cement pond?

345. - Uncle Jed, that pond is the fanciest thing

346. you ever did see!

347. Why they is steps,

348. so the cattle can walk right down into it

349. and get a drink.

350. And at the front end,

351. there's a lady standing there made out of rock,

352. and she's a pourin' water out of a jug

353. right into that cement pond.

354. - Go on.

355. - Well, that's how come that big ol' pink chicken

356. could get away from me.

357. Flew right over the top of that there rock lady,

358. landed in that pond and swam like an otter.

359. Just flappin' them big ol' pink wings and hollerin'.

360. - Jethro, what color did you say that chicken was?

361. - It was pink.

362. - Ain't I told you that stuff will stunt your growth?

363. - Miss Granny, I didn't touch a drop.

364. - You and me is going to the wood shed.

365. - Now hold on.

366. Jethro, do you swear to be tellin' the truth?

367. - So help me Jefferson Davis.

368. - You take your hat off

369. when you speak of the president.

370. - Granny, he ain't president no more.

371. - I'll have no Yankee talk in my kitchen.

372. - Now Jethro,

373. you and me is going back out there

374. and corner that chicken.

375. Granny, you get the fire to going.

376. Elly May, you sweep up out front

377. and keep your eyes open for that Miss Hathaway.

378. I'm counting on her to take you in hand

379. and get you in the right kind of clothes.

380. Come on.

381. - Pink chicken.

382. - You there, young man.

383. - I ain't a young man,

384. but I sure do thank you for thinking so.

385. - Good heavens, you're a girl. - Yeah.

386. - I'm Jane Hathaway,

387. executive secretary to Mr. Drysdale,

388. and you, I take it, are a domestic of some sort?

389. Cleaning girl, house maid?

390. Just what are your duties with Mr. Clampett?

391. - Well, he send me out here to sweep up,

392. and he said you would take me in hand

393. and get me the right kind of clothes and everything.

394. - Indeed I shall.

395. We have a complete servant's wardrobe

396. from chef to chauffeur.

397. Come with me.

398. What in the name of Thomas Chippendale is this?

399. Has Mr. Clampett seen this disgraceful

400. and unsightly mound of debris?

401. - Oh yes, ma'am.

402. This is all his.

403. - Oh, what charming antiques.

404. - Just like you said Jethro,

405. a rock lady pourin' water into a cement pond.

406. - Yes, sir.

407. And over there is where I seen that

408. great big pink chicken,

409. only thing is it don't sound like a chicken.

410. It makes a kind of hollerin' noise.

411. - Reckon you'd make a hollerin' noise too,

412. if you was to lay a egg like that.

413. - Man oh man.

414. That's what I call an egg.

415. - Granny won't have to worry about food now.

416. Wait'll she cooks this.

417. - That dang city stove don't draw worth nothin'.

418. - Granny, look at this egg.

419. What's all the smoke?

420. - Stove don't work.

421. - Probably just a stuffed up flue.

422. - Ain't got a flue, ain't even got a stove pipe.

423. - Okay, well I'll get the shovel and a hoe

424. and rake it out of there.

425. You keep this egg.

426. - Just like everything else out here,

427. froze solid.

428. - Really, my dear, you look quite charming.

429. - Well, I feel like a dad-blang fool.

430. - Just a moment. - Can't stop now,

431. I'll be right back.

432. - Oh, that was my pa.

433. - I take it he's a gardener.

434. - Oh yes, ma'am.

435. Pa just can't wait to commence gardening.

436. - Apparently.

437. However, as though I admire his enthusiasm,

438. I must forbid him access through the main entrance.

439. Now, tell me about the rest of the staff.

440. Is there a chauffeur?

441. - A what?

442. - Someone who does the driving.

443. - Oh, yes ma'am, that's Jethro.

444. 'course I don't reckon he can stay around very long,

445. he's got to get back to Oxford and go to school.

446. - Oxford?

447. He attends Oxford University?

448. - Well, he just calls it school.

449. His pa went to school there, too.

450. - Oh yes, old school tide.

451. Great pride, those Oxford men.

452. - Sorry I couldn't stop before,

453. Granny was having trouble in the kitchen.

454. - Pa, do I have to wear this here stuff that Miss-

455. - Now, now there can be no appeal

456. from Mr. Clampett's orders.

457. - Thank you, ma'am.

458. Glad to see you're taking a firm hand.

459. Now Elly May, that's right pretty.

460. Makes you look taller.

461. - She's got me walkin' on pegs.

462. - Well, run in and show Granny.

463. - And get rid of those old clothes, dear.

464. Granny, I presume, is the cook.

465. - Yes ma'am, but she ain't too happy about it right now.

466. - I shall deal with her directly.

467. Now, let's see.

468. Maid, gardener, cook, chauffeur.

469. Oh, I understand Jethro is an Oxford man.

470. - You bet he is.

471. - I'm quite anxious to meet him.

472. - Don't blame you.

473. Fine looking young feller,

474. single too,

475. and he's on the lookout for a girl.

476. - I'm only interested in intellectual rapport,

477. which I would naturally have with an Oxford man.

478. I presume he went to Eaton as a boy?

479. - If I know Jethro,

480. he went to eatin' the minute he was born.

481. - Yes, of course.

482. I suppose his father matriculated him.

483. - I kind of think maybe it was his ma.

484. - Oh well, no matter.

485. At any rate, he's an Eaton man.

486. - That he is.

487. As a matter of fact,

488. Jethro won the eatin' championship.

489. - How marvelous!

490. - What was he champion of? - Eatin!

491. - Yes, I know,

492. but what was it, cricket?

493. - Oh no, no, it was crawdad.

494. - Crawdad?

495. - I don't think even Jethro would eat crickets.

496. - I was referring to the game. - Jed.

497. Jed, where's the axe?

498. - I'll fetch it Granny, you talk to Miss Hathaway.

499. - And just why does cook need an axe?

500. - I've hit this with everything I can lay a hand to.

501. I even whopped it with an iron skillet.

502. - You're supposed to hit it with a croquet mallet.

503. - All right, where is it?

504. - I don't think I'll tell you.

505. There's a time for work and a time for play.

506. Now then, what are we cooking for Mr. Clampett?

507. - Well, I don't know what you're cooking him,

508. but if he wants any viddles from me,

509. somebody better shoot a opossum.

510. - Opossum?

511. - You got a better idea?

512. - But of course, a nice big fluffy souffle.

513. - All right.

514. You shoot it and you skin it.

515. - You don't even know what a souffle is.

516. What kind of a cook are you?

517. - I'm a cook with a stove that don't draw,

518. food that's froze solid,

519. chickens that can't be caught,

520. eggs that can't be broke,

521. and a smart-alecky city woman tellin' me my business.

522. That's what kind of a cook I am!

523. - Mind your tongue, little woman.

524. I can have your job!

525. - You sure can and the sooner the better.

526. - Jethro's coming and just wait 'til you see what he's got.

527. - Thank heaven.

528. Now I can have an intelligent conversation.

529. - Look, Granny! I caught that big chicken!

530. - I hope it ain't as tough as this egg.

531. - That is a flamingo!

532. - Oh no, ma'am, that's my nephew Jethro.

533. Jethro, say hello to Miss Hathaway.

534. - Howdy, ma'am.

535. Ain't this the biggest dangest chicken

536. you ever did see?

537. - You go to school at Oxford?

538. - Yes, ma'am. I'm in the 5th grade.

539. - Stop bragging and wring that chicken's neck.

540. - Elly May! - No, stop you barbarians!

541. - Don't harm one feather of that beautiful bird!

542. - I've taken just about as much as I'm gonna take from you!

543. - Yeah, Granny. - Elly, you get the fire going

544. under the big kettle outdoors.

545. - Young lady, where is your maid's uniform?

546. - I ain't gonna wear it!

547. - Oh, yes you are.

548. - No, I ain't! - Oh, yes you are,

549. if I must subdue you forcefully!

550. - I wouldn't try that if I were you.

551. - Let go of me!

552. Let go, ah! Let go!

553. - Tried to tell ya.

554. - Let me loose, you let me loose!

555. - I'll set on her, Elly! You get the fire going!

556. - Now here, here, Granny.

557. Come on let her up, get off of her.

558. - You are discharged,

559. all of you!

560. Sacked, fired!

561. You are the most incompetent,

562. insubordinate, belligerent group of domestics

563. that has ever been my- - Miss Hathaway!

564. - Ah, chief!

565. You're just in time to help me take disciplinary action.

566. - You're fired. - I've already told them that.

567. - Not them, you!

568. These people are the Clampetts!

569. - The Clampetts?

570. - Yes, that's right.

571. Now go back to the office and pick up your

572. severance pay, you are through!

573. - Now, Mr. Drysdale hold on a spell.

574. I reckon there's been a kind of a misunderstanding.

575. But this little lady's been a right big help to us.

576. Why she fit in just like one of the family,

577. matter of fact,

578. her and me is goin' out hunting.

579. Ain't that right, Miss Hathaway?

580. - Yes, indeed.

581. Yup, ah, Jethro you can take that pink chicken

582. back out to the cement pond.

583. We're going out to shoot us a nice big fluffy souffle.