The Beverly Hillbillies 1x15

Directed by Richard Whorf

Elvia Allman as Elverna Bradshaw • Bea Benaderet as Cousin Pearl Bodine • Vilma Banky as Actress in Silent Film (archive footage) • Rudolph Valentino as Actor in Silent Film (archive footage) • Frank Wilcox as John Brewster

Mr. Brewster doesn't want to get married, but the whole county knows that Cousin Pearl had her heart set for him. Jed comes up with a plan for her to save face by having Mr. Brewster propose in public and then have her turn him down. Jed didn't count on Mr. Brewster's background in the theater and him making a huge production out of it. Mr. Brewster does such a convincing job that Pearl, after repeatedly saying no, then says yes.

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1. - The Beverly Hillbillies.

2. - Woo doggies, gonna be a cold one tonight.

3. Somebody better get ready to pry that sun up

4. in the morning and get it started.

5. - Yeah, sure will be glad to get back

6. to that nice warm mansion in Beverly Hills.

7. It ain't no fun sleepin' on this cold, hard floor.

8. - That's a fact.

9. - You think that's bad?

10. You ought to try sharin' a room

11. with that wild daughter of your'n.

12. - Atleast ways you got a bed.

13. - That ain't a bed.

14. That's a nest, a roost, and a den, and a hutch all in one.

15. - Is them animal friends of Elly's

16. still comin' in at night, Granny?

17. - Everything that can get through the window.

18. - Why don't you shut the window?

19. - 'Cause I can't sleep without fresh air.

20. Especially with that third party in bed with us.

21. - What third party?

22. - Elly, can you come out here

23. and bring your friend with you?

24. - Yeah, Granny.

25. - Now, don't you worry about it, Granny.

26. I'll chuck it out, whatever it is.

27. You got to get your sleep.

28. - Did you want us, Granny?

29. - Your pa wants that polecat, give it to him.

30. - Now, wait a minute, don't point that thing at me.

31. We don't want to get drove outdoors on a night like this.

32. - Well, don't you want him, Pa?

33. - I just want to say that Granny'd appreciate it,

34. if you'd have this little feller sleep with his own family.

35. - All right, I'll go get the others in.

36. - No, no, no! (audience laughing)

37. Outdoors with his family.

38. Otherwise, when we go to California,

39. they might not take him back in.

40. And if a skunk ain't welcome with his own family,

41. he just about ain't got nobody to turn to.

42. - All right, I'll put him out the window.

43. - Uncle Jed, why can't we go back

44. to Beverly Hills right away?

45. - Reckon we can tell him the truth, Granny?

46. - I reckon he's big enough.

47. - Well, you see, we promised your ma

48. we'd stay here and help her 'til

49. she gets herself married to Mr. Brewster.

50. - Well, how long will that take?

51. - Well, hadn't oughta take long.

52. She's got him boarding in your room now

53. where she can get at him.

54. - Pearl told me tonight's the night.

55. She's gonna feed him into a stupor,

56. then set him in the parlor and sing to him

57. until he proposes.

58. - That's a powerful combination,

59. Pearl's cookin' and singin'.

60. - Yeah. (laughs)

61. If he can get got, Pearl will get him.

62. - (laughs) Ain't that a precious picture?

63. Niagry Falls.

64. Where the honeymooners go.

65. Understand they're havin' special winter rates there now.

66. - I think I'd better turn in.

67. I've got to get up awfully early-

68. - No, no, no, no!

69. You set down and relax.

70. Jethrine and me's got a special surprise for you.

71. - It isn't food, is it?

72. - Food for the soul and the spirit, music.

73. What would you like to hear?

74. - Oh, anything you'd like to sing.

75. - Well, I'll just pick out something at random.

76. Let's try this, Jethrine.

77. - Uncle Jed? Uncle Jed?

78. What's got them wolves so stirred up tonight?

79. - I don't know, but something sure is settin' them off.

80. - Dad blamed, can't sleep a wink.

81. "Go to the right, Granny.

82. Go to the left, Granny."

83. - Those wolves keepin' you awake, too, Granny?

84. - They sure is.

85. - Howling goes right through you.

86. - It ain't their howling that's gettin' me,

87. it's their snoring.

88. - Snorin'?

89. - Look for yourself.

90. Elly's got two of 'em under the bed.

91. - Granny, we got to get that girl back to Beverly Hills.

92. She's going right back to being a wild cougar.

93. - What's y'all all doing out here?

94. - Trying to keep warm.

95. - Sure is cold in there without you, Granny.

96. Mind if I join you?

97. - I reckon so, if you don't mind

98. a little human company for a change.

99. - Uncle Jed, we just gotta get

100. ourselves back to Beverly Hills.

101. - We will, Jethro, soon as your Ma

102. gets proper hitched to Mr. Brewster.

103. Bless you.

104. - Oh, Pearl, give it all you got tonight.

105. Or we's all gonna be down with p-neumony.

106. - Well, that was a wonderful concert.

107. You both are unusually talented.

108. - Thank you.

109. - Yes indeed.

110. That means a lot coming from you.

111. Naturally folks round here brag on us.

112. In fact, they think we ought to go on a concert tour.

113. - Oh, really?

114. - Oh, yes.

115. My neighbors is always after me to sing out of town.

116. - Well, I can understand that.

117. - Uh, Mr. Brewster, do you really like music and singing?

118. - Well, I used to.

119. I mean, I used to sing a lot myself

120. in college musicals, amateur theatricals.

121. - Was you on the stage, Mr. Brewster?

122. - Oh, yes, yes.

123. After college, I did quite a bit of

124. little theater work, summer stock.

125. Matter of fact, there was a time when I seriously

126. considered the stage as my career.

127. - Ma, Mr. Brewster's an actor!

128. - Well, not any longer.

129. My father had other ideas.

130. He insisted I get into the oil business.

131. - Mr. Brewster, did you ever do

132. anything from the "Bard of Avon"?

133. That Shakespeare, oh, I just love him.

134. - Well, as a matter of fact, I once

135. played the lead in "Romeo and Juliet".

136. - Which one was you?

137. - I was Romeo.

138. In my youth, I was considered quite a leading man type.

139. And there were those who thought

140. I had rather a handsome profile.

141. - Well, you still got it.

142. And I'll bet you can act to beat the band.

143. Oh come on, take off a part for us.

144. Something from Shakespeare, sit down, Jethrine.

145. - Well, I doubt if I can remember anything.

146. - Oh, please, Mr. Brewster.

147. - Well, uh, perhaps I can recall

148. something from the balcony scene.

149. Let's see now, how does it go?

150. But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

151. It is the east and Juliet is the sun.

152. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,

153. who is already sick and pale with grief

154. that thou her maid are far more fair than she.

155. - Go to bed, Jethrine.

156. - Well, I think I'll turn in now.

157. - Oh, uh, please, do some more of

158. them love speeches from Shakespeare.

159. - Well, my throat is a little sore.

160. I think I'd better gargle a little

161. warm salt water and go to bed.

162. - Well, I can take care of you!

163. That's another one of my specialties, nursin' the sick.

164. - Well, it might be the flu bug.

165. And you wouldn't want to catch it.

166. Good night.

167. - If his flu bug is as hard to catch as he is,

168. I got nothin' to worry about.

169. - Uncle Jed, have you ever knowed it to be so cold?

170. - Never have, Jethro.

171. - Ah, this ain't cold.

172. Your blood has thinned out from living in Californy.

173. - You say this ain't cold, Granny?

174. Look who else is huddled up to the fire,

175. Elly and her wolves.

176. - Still cold this mornin', Granny.

177. - Cold? You call this cold?

178. Why, I remember a winter mornin' that was so cold,

179. that when I went to milk the cow the milk froze

180. before it hit the pail.

181. Had to break it off in sticks.

182. Yes, sir, I carried a double armful of milk in

183. and never spilt a stick!

184. - Gee, Granny, how'd you drink it, bite on it?

185. - No.

186. But you did!

187. - You're in a right good mood this mornin'.

188. - Jed, I got a feelin' in my bones

189. that Pearl got him last night.

190. - Pa, I seen Mr. Brewster's car

191. comin' down the road, and Aunt Pearl's with him.

192. - I told ya!

193. My bones is never wrong.

194. When's the weddin', Pearl?

195. - Gonna be married in church?

196. - Yeah, let us see your ring, Pearl.

197. - You want me to carry. Mr. Brewster

198. over the threshold for you, Ma?

199. - She don't look too happy.

200. - She don't sound too happy, neither.

201. - Oh, all womenfolk cry when they're about to get married.

202. - I didn't get him.

203. - Oh!

204. Did you try your best, Pearl?

205. - Oh, Granny, I throwed the book at him,

206. Cookin', sewin', singin'.

207. I even nursed him through the flu.

208. Got him well in five minutes.

209. But he didn't propose. (crys)

210. - Jed, you go out there and do your duty

211. to your female cousin.

212. Ask that city fella which he'd

213. rather get, married or buried!

214. - Now, Granny, I don't hold

215. with gettin' folks married unless they's willin'.

216. - Pearl's got enough willin' for both of 'em.

217. And you gonna make a liar outta my bones?

218. - Well, I'll have a talk with Mr. Brewster.

219. Where'd he go, Pearl?

220. - He said he was gonna park the car

221. on the warm side of the cabin.

222. But he must've run off.

223. - After him, everybody!

224. We'll head him off at the pass

225. and shoot him down like a dog!

226. - Now, you hold on.

227. You ain't shootin' nobody down.

228. Just simmer down.

229. Why, he didn't run off at all.

230. Except we'll need you, Elly, to get him back in here.

231. - How come?

232. - Looks like a couple of your friends

233. is sizin' him up for breakfast.

234. - Well, in all sincerity, Mr. Clampett,

235. your cousin Pearl is a very remarkable woman.

236. It's just that, well, I don't want to get married.

237. - Oh, I understand that, Mr. Brewster,

238. and I thank you for speaking the truth like a man.

239. But my cousin Pearl has got herself a problem.

240. - Oh, what's that?

241. - Well, ain't no secrets in the hills and,

242. everybody and his dog knows that you've been

243. boardin' with her over at her place,

244. and they all know she's had her cap set for you.

245. Oh, I ain't blamin' you, Mr. Brewster.

246. - Jed?

247. Did he say yes? Can we come out now?

248. - Not yet a while, Granny.

249. - Well, if you're too chicken to shoot him,

250. Elly's got her wolves standing by.

251. - Mr. Brewster, in order to save

252. my cousin Pearl from shame,

253. I'm gonna ask you to do me a big favor.

254. - Anything I can do.

255. - I want you to propose to her in front of somebody.

256. - But...

257. - And let her turn you down, of course.

258. - Oh, oh, I see.

259. Of course, yes, that'll save face.

260. Well, Pearl will know that she's supposed to turn me down?

261. - Oh, sure, we'll have an understanding with Pearl.

262. Now, the one I think you ought to propose

263. in front of is, Elverna Bradshaw.

264. - You know, Mr. Clampett,

265. this idea of yours is quite inspired.

266. - Oh, just a notion.

267. You see, Elverna is the biggest gossip in the hills.

268. - No, really, it's brilliant.

269. It combines drama, pathos, suspense,

270. it has a happy ending, great third act curtain.

271. It's real theater!

272. - 'Course, you'll have to be convincing so Elverna will-

273. - Convincing?

274. Why, I'll give a performance the people of these hills

275. will remember as long as they live.

276. - Well, just so that...

277. - When Pearl Bodine turns down

278. my impassioned proposal of marriage,

279. there won't be a dry eye in the house!

280. - Elverna don't cry easy.

281. - Oh, well, now, surely you're not going to waste

282. this dramatic scene before just one person.

283. - Well, I reckon, Elverna's daughter-

284. - I've got it, I've got it.

285. The movie house, where Pearl plays the piano.

286. - You want to propose there?

287. - Well, it's perfect, everybody in town will see it.

288. - Won't it kinda shame ya, to be

289. turned down in front of all them people?

290. - Well, it's just a performance.

291. I've learned one thing in the theater,

292. an actor always gives a better performance

293. in front of a full house.

294. - Well, doggies.

295. That sure is nice of ya.

296. - (laughs) Oh, it's my pleasure, Mr. Clampett.

297. Uh, Mrs. Bodine? Granny.

298. Come on in, come on in, everybody.

299. - How 'bout it, Uncle Jed, how 'bout it?

300. - Calm down, everybody.

301. I reckon we better let Mr. Brewster

302. tell you what's gonna happen.

303. - Well, tonight, at the movie house, Mrs. Bodine,

304. while the whole town looks on,

305. I'm going to ask you to marry me.

306. - I got me a daddy, I got me a daddy!

307. - I think that this calls for a whopping big snort!

308. - Now, will y'all quiet down, everybody,

309. until you hear the rest of the story?

310. Now Pearl, when Mr. Brewster asks you to marry him,

311. you're gonna say, no.

312. - Not unless I'm as drunk as you are.

313. - Howdy, Pearl. - Come in.

314. - Evenin', Pearl. - Hey, Granny.

315. - Jethro went on ahead down to the theater

316. to get a fire going in the stove.

317. - Where's Jethrine, Aunt Pearl?

318. - Why, she's in her room gettin' dressed.

319. Go on in and see her.

320. - Granny, what happened to your mink coat?

321. - This is it.

322. Tonight's kinda special,

323. so, I'm wearing the pretty side out.

324. - You sure got your pretty side out tonight, Pearl.

325. - Oh, I tell ya, Jed, I'm as nervous

326. as if I was gonna get a real, honest-to-goodness proposal.

327. - And it would be real, if your cousin Jed

328. would do his duty and hold a shotgun on that fella Brewster.

329. - Now, ladies, let's settle for what we got.

330. This way, Pearl can come to California

331. without nobody sayin' she left town in disgrace.

332. - Good evening, good evening.

333. - Ain't you dressed up.

334. That boiled shirt makes your face look kinda dark.

335. - Well, as a matter of fact,

336. I'm wearing a little theatrical makeup.

337. Mrs. Bodine, how would you like some pancake on your face?

338. - How'd you like some sweet potato pie on yours?

339. - Now, Pearl.

340. - Fetch me some hot possum grease, Pearl,

341. and I'll fling it on him!

342. - Now, ladies, you misunderstood me.

343. Pancake is a type of makeup we use in the theater.

344. An actor, like myself, would feel

345. positively undressed without it.

346. - I thought you was a oil man.

347. - Well, that's my business.

348. But at heart, I shall always be an actor.

349. - See now, speakin' of actin',

350. you two got it figured out what you want to say?

351. - Oh, yeah, we rehearsed 12 times.

352. Um, Mr. Brewster will be settin' on the front row.

353. And when the picture's over, he'll jump up-

354. - Excuse me.

355. I've been thinking about that.

356. I believe it would be more effective if I made an entrance.

357. - Entrance?

358. - Yes, I'll come down the aisle.

359. - Oh. Oh, all right.

360. And then Mr. Brewster's gonna say,

361. "Mrs. Bodine, don't go to Californy

362. with your cousin Jed, stay here and be my wife."

363. - Uh, I've been thinking about that, too.

364. After a big entrance down the aisle,

365. that's going to seem like a pretty flat opening speech.

366. - Well, you just say what you wanna say.

367. All I gotta say is, "No, I won't marry you."

368. If that's Homer Winch, I'm gonna hit him right in the head.

369. (Audience laughing) Excuse me.

370. - Evenin', Pearl. - Elverna Bradshaw.

371. What are you doing here?

372. - Well, you and me being such close friends,

373. I just thought I'd offer to play

374. pian-y for you at the theater tonight.

375. - Why?

376. - Surely you're not going to show up

377. and have folks whispering behind

378. your back all during the picture.

379. - What in the world would they be whispering about?

380. - Pearl, I'm your best friend.

381. You don't have to pretend with me.

382. The whole town knows how you've been

383. flinging yourself at that boarder of yours.

384. - For your information, Elverna Bradshaw,

385. Mr. Brewster proposed to me 12 times today,

386. and 12 times I turned him down.

387. - Is that why he give you this here mink coat?

388. 'Cause you turned him down?

389. This here mink coat was give to me by my niece,

390. Elly May Clampett.

391. - Oh, Pearl, I keep tellin' ya,

392. you don't have to pretend with me, I'm your best friend.

393. - When Elverna Bradshaw is your best friend,

394. you're up to your eyeballs in enemies.

395. - Mr. Brewster, if you was to go in there now

396. and propose in front of Elverna,

397. you could save yourself a trip to the theater,

398. and the news would get around a heap quicker.

399. - You don't understand, Mr. Clampett.

400. An actor needs an audience.

401. - Elverna, if you don't mind, I'd like you

402. to get out of my coat and out of my house.

403. I'm gonna be late for the theater.

404. - Pearl, take your best friend's advice

405. and sneak out of town quietly.

406. You can depend on me to smooth everything over.

407. - Thanks for nothin'.

408. - Ha! Farewell performance is right.

409. I reckon she'll sneak out of town in a hurry

410. if she ain't already snuck.

411. Mind ya, Pearl's my best friend,

412. and I ain't one to talk, but...

413. - Good evenin', ladies.

414. - You too, Elverna.

415. - I notice Mr. Brewster wasn't with her.

416. Oh, and did you see that mink coat?

417. Well, I wouldn't trade this little band of gold

418. and a home-lovin' husband for a dozen mink coats.

419. Would I, Luke?

420. Luke?

421. Luke Bradshaw!

422. Oh, that sneak, he got away again.

423. - Stop the picture!

424. Stop the picture!

425. Stop the picture!

426. - All right, Charlie!

427. - Mrs. Bodine, I just saw that poster out front,

428. "Farewell Performance".

429. Does that mean you are leaving?

430. - Oh, yes, Mr. Brewster, I'm going to Californy

431. with my cousin Jed and his family.

432. - No, no, no, please, please, I beg you,

433. I implore you, I beseech you, don't go!

434. Stay here and be me wife.

435. - No, thank you, Mr. Brewster.

436. - I cannot, I will not accept that answer.

437. For I love you, Pearl Bodine.

438. I love you with all me heart, with all me soul.

439. I love you as no man has ever loved woman before.

440. - He's better than Francis X. Bushman.

441. - Be mine, Pearl, be mine.

442. - I'm back here, Mr. Brewster.

443. No, Mr. Brewster, my answer is, no.

444. - Then me life has come to an end.

445. For what is life without love?

446. - If I was him, I'd let it go at that.

447. - Without Pearl Bodine, there is no love.

448. Oh, me darling, oh, me precious!

449. Say those words that will make me the happiest of men.

450. - I'm behind you.

451. My answer is still no.

452. - Better quit while you're ahead, Mr. Brewster.

453. - Oh,

454. how those words stab me to me heart

455. like cold steel.

456. And only you, Pearl Bodine, can heal the mortal wound.

457. Oh.

458. Moon of me desire, marry me, Pearl.

459. - No.

460. - I promise you a life of happiness.

461. - No.

462. - A life of luxury.

463. - No.

464. - Oh, me darling, look into me tear-stained eyes!

465. Look into the tortured face of your love slave.

466. Free me with that one divine word!

467. Say yes.

468. Say yes.

469. And together, we will enter a paradise

470. of love everlasting.

471. - Yes, yes, yes, I'll marry you!

472. - Thank you.

473. Thank you very much.

474. Did you say yes?

475. - Yes!

476. - If Pearl hadn't said yes, I was ready myself.