The Beverly Hillbillies 1x14

Directed by Richard Whorf

Bea Benaderet as Cousin Pearl Bodine • Paul Winchell as Grandpa Winch • Frank Wilcox as John Brewster • Linda Henning as Jethrine Bodine (voice)

Back home for Christmas, Elly May bonds with her old animal friends. Pearl plays the piano for the "new" movie in town (the silent version of Ben Hur) to impress Mr. Brewster. While Mr. Brewster tries to sneak out of the movie, Homer Winch declares his love for Pearl.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.

2. Hills that is.

3. Swimming pools, movie stars.

4. - "The Beverly Hillbillies".

5. - by thunder, Granny,

6. the ol' place ain't changed a bit,

7. Pretty as ever.

8. - Prettier with the snow.

9. - Excuse me, Pa,

10. but I got some friends to say howdy to.

11. - Yes, sir, they just don't make houses like

12. this no more.

13. - Sure don't make them in Beverly Hills.

14. I'll go get the bags, Uncle Jed.

15. - Reckon they just can't get wood like this.

16. My grandpa chopped down the trees

17. and built this all by hand.

18. - You say your grandfather built this cabin?

19. - He sure did.

20. - Oh, he must have been a remarkable man.

21. - He sure was.

22. He finished the cabin in the morning,

23. went to town, found a girl,

24. courted her, married her,

25. and carried her across that doorstep,

26. all before sundown.

27. Tell me, Granny,

28. was that 18 and 97, or 18 and 98?

29. - 18,

30. and 98.

31. - Yeah, that's right, she was 18 and Grandpa was 98.

32. - You say he was 98 and his bride was 18?

33. - That's right.

34. The marriage didn't work out too good.

35. - Well, I don't doubt it.

36. - Yeah, grandpa made the mistake

37. of having his ma come live with him.

38. - Awful bossy old woman.

39. Wouldn't let that little bride do nothing.

40. Did everything herself.

41. - Your family has remarkable longevity.

42. - Long?

43. Yeah, they stretch the truth a little too.

44. - Oh?

45. - Grandpa wasn't a day over 90 when he married that girl.

46. And his ma didn't bust up the marriage.

47. That poor little bride just wore out,

48. Having so many young'uns to take care of.

49. - Oh, what happened to Elly May?

50. - Oh, she just went to say howdy

51. to some of her friends.

52. - Oh.

53. - Maggie,

54. Maggie, it's me, Elly May.

55. I've come back to visit ya.

56. Not you, Henry.

57. Right now, I'm looking for Maggie.

58. Have you seen her?

59. You're supposed to be so doggone wise.

60. Where is she?

61. Well, Davy Crockett,

62. say, you're looking bushy as ever.

63. What's a matter, what you scared of?

64. Don't you remember me?

65. Please, daisy, don't run away.

66. Oh, howdy, Mr Beaver,

67. it's me, Elly.

68. What you kicking snow at me for?

69. Oh, please, Mr Beaver,

70. come back.

71. Hi, Mr Foxy,

72. it's me, Elly.

73. Come back.

74. - Mr Clampett,

75. I certainly appreciate you

76. letting me use your cabin as a field headquarters.

77. I've got a few things in the bedroom.

78. I'll get them out.

79. - Oh, there's no need for you to do that, Mr Brewster.

80. We're just gonna be here a couple of days.

81. Granny and Elly can use the bedroom,

82. and you and me can kinda curl up

83. here in front of the fire.

84. - That's mighty kind of you, Mr Clampett,

85. but I'll find a place to stay in town.

86. - No need for you to drive all that way through the snow.

87. You're here, you're by the oil field,

88. and, Granny cooks up a big meal

89. that really sticks to your ribs.

90. What you cooking tomorrow, Granny?

91. - My special Christmas holiday vittles.

92. We'll start with red cabbage

93. and green turnip tops, swimming with sorghum.

94. Then what I call my heavenly hash,

95. that's grits and chitlins,

96. possum belly, hog jowls,

97. and catfish,

98. all minced together, and simmered in gopher gravy.

99. And poached (indistinct).

100. - Mm. Now there's vittles you won't forget in a hurry.

101. - I'll try.

102. - What do you say Mr Brewster? If the floor is too hard,

103. we'll get some, pine bows and ashes for you to sleep on.

104. - I think I'll go into town, thank you very much.

105. Excuse me.

106. - What's the matter with you two,

107. asking him to stay here?

108. You want me to be a widow all my life?

109. I was gonna offer him my spare room.

110. - You ain't got no spare room, Pearl.

111. I have, if Jethro stays here.

112. - If Mr Brewster stays with you and Jethrene,

113. won't people talk?

114. - I hope so.

115. Then Jed can insist on him marrying me.

116. If I'm gonna get him, now's my chance.

117. - (indistinct) with making a man get married,

118. unless he wants to.

119. - He wants to.

120. Why, that man's so in love with me he can't eat.

121. - Yeah, but are you in love with him, Pearl?

122. - Oh, Jed, when I'm near him,

123. I feel like my feet is dangling in a creek,

124. and the minnows is biting at my toes.

125. - That's what you call, really being in love.

126. Help her, Jed.

127. - Mrs Bodine, if you'd like a ride into town,

128. I can drop you off on my way to the hotel.

129. - Hotel?

130. Why, you can't stay there.

131. - Well, no, sirree.

132. - You sure can't.

133. - Why not?

134. - Why not, Jed?

135. - Why not, Pearl?

136. - Why not?

137. There's a convention there.

138. - Yeah.

139. - Every room in that hotel is full up.

140. - They're packed in there like krauts in a jar.

141. - What kind of convention?

142. - Elks convention.

143. That hotel is bulging with elks.

144. - Oh, well, perhaps I can find a room in a boarding house.

145. - You know anybody got a spare room, granny?

146. - No, I don't.

147. Do you, Jed?

148. - Well, let's see now,

149. only spare room I know of around here

150. is over to your house, Pearl.

151. - Why, lands of mercy,

152. I plum forgot, yes.

153. My spare room.

154. - What spare room, ma?

155. We ain't got a,

156. ow!

157. - Jethro, why don't you run out and fetch some wood.

158. - I just brought some wood in.

159. What spare room, ma?

160. We ain't got no,

161. ow!

162. - You best run there along outside

163. and get the kinks out of that leg.

164. - I ain't got no kinks in my leg.

165. it's just that ma just keeps,

166. ow!

167. - Son, if you're gonna play hopscotch,

168. you go outside.

169. The house ain't for playing games.

170. - But I ain't playing games.

171. - And go chop me some wood.

172. - I just chopped some wood.

173. - Chop her some green wood.

174. She wants to smoke a possum, now get.

175. - I just chopped some wood

176. and I put it right there.

177. I just put it right over there in the corner.

178. - Now, you come to my house, Mr Brewster.

179. That spare room is yours.

180. - Well, all right, if it's not-

181. - Why should I sleep here on the floor?

182. I got a room,

183. ow!

184. - He's given to seizures in the leg,

185. ain't he, Granny?

186. - Yes, I'll have him rub it

187. with some hot possum grease tonight.

188. - Yeah, well, let's get going?

189. - Aunt Pearl, would you do me a big favor?

190. - Why, of course, Elly May,

191. what is it?

192. - Would you take this here fur coat?

193. - Your mink?

194. For keeps?

195. - I should would appreciate it.

196. It makes my friends in the woods kinda skittish.

197. They must reckon I'll be wearing them next.

198. - Well, I don't rightly know if can-

199. - Go ahead and take it, Pearl,

200. that is, if you don't mind it's been wore once

201. or twice before.

202. - Oh, not at all.

203. I'll tell you what.

204. I'll put it in one of my hope chests,

205. and I'll wear it on my honeymoon.

206. - Say, Mr Clampett, isn't that an awful big tree

207. that Jethro's chopping down?

208. - Hey, he's notching it on the wrong side too.

209. Hey, Jethro, quit notching that tree on this side.

210. It's liable to fall right down on the,

211. ah, look out everybody.

212. It missed us.

213. - Praise the lord.

214. - Well, the tree missed.

215. We can get up now.

216. - Well, he might be chopping another one.

217. Let's wait and see.

218. - Maggie, it's me, Elly.

219. Freddie, you old rascal.

220. I know you've seen Maggie.

221. If you'll go and get her for me,

222. I'll give you something shiny.

223. What would you like?

224. How about this?

225. Okay?

226. There.

227. Go find Maggie.

228. Smelly.

229. Hi there, Smelly,

230. It's me, Elly.

231. Good thing you didn't see me in that mink coat.

232. You might've got riled at me.

233. If it's one friend I don't want riled, it's you.

234. Maggie, I knew Freddie would find you.

235. Maggie, I'm so happy to see you.

236. I told you I'd come and visit you,

237. and here I am.

238. - Elly?

239. Elly May, where are ya?

240. - Over here, Pa.

241. Now, don't you be scared of Pa.

242. He won't hurt you none.

243. - Well, now, who is this?

244. - This here is my old friend, Maggie.

245. You remember her?

246. - Sure, I do.

247. Howdy, Maggie.

248. Say, Elly, we's all going over

249. to Aunt Pearl's for supper.

250. And after supper, we's all going over

251. to that movie picture theater where Pearl works.

252. - Well, I'd heap rather stay here.

253. - Well, Pearl says,

254. there's gonna be a brand-new picture from hollywood Called,

255. "Ben-Hur."

256. - Well, who's in it?

257. - According to Pearl,

258. it's got the two biggest actors there is,

259. Frances X Bushman and Raymond Navarro.

260. - I'd still rather stay here, Pa.

261. - Now, we's all supposed to kinda surround Mr Brewster

262. and brag on Pearl's piano playing during the picture.

263. - Well, Jethro can brag extra for me.

264. - Jethro ain't gonna be there.

265. He'd just sit there all night

266. and complain about Mr Brewster having his room.

267. Oh, come on, Elly,

268. Don't you wanna help Pearl get a husband?

269. - Okay, Pa.

270. Bye, Maggie.

271. But Pa, ain't gonna kiss Maggie goodbye?

272. - I don't reckon so.

273. Her husband might not like it.

274. Come on, Elly.

275. - Come on, everybody.

276. - Well, doggy,

277. Jethrene, there's a picture of your ma.

278. - Yeah, it says, in person,

279. Pearl Bodine, wizard of the keyboard.

280. Oh, that means piani.

281. - Hey, your name is as big as Ben-Hur's.

282. - I begged the manager not to put that up,

283. but he says it's a drawing card,

284. my playing during the picture.

285. - During the picture?

286. Don't you have sound?

287. - Loads of it,

288. between the people crunching popcorn,

289. and crying,

290. and reading the titles out loud,

291. you got plenty of sound.

292. Everybody go on in and sit down.

293. You're all on complimentary passes.

294. Now, I gotta pop some corn and sell tickets

295. before I come in and play the overture.

296. - Mr Brewster,

297. do you ever, in all your born days,

298. see a woman who could do more things

299. than my cousin, Pearl?

300. She can cook, sew,

301. keep house, play piani.

302. No wonder the men around here are just beating

303. her door down to propose,

304. but Pearl's choicey.

305. She's waiting for the right man.

306. - Here comes Aunt Pearl.

307. - Ladies and gentlemen,

308. before our big premier gets underway,

309. I know you'll wanna meet the celebrities in

310. our audience tonight.

311. Now, settin' right here in the front row

312. from Tulsa, Oklahoma,

313. is the field manager of the OK Oil Company,

314. what bought Cousin Jed's swamp,

315. Mr John Brewster.

316. Who threw that tomato?

317. Come on.

318. Homer Winch,

319. you get up there and you clean off

320. that screen right now.

321. Ain't you shamed?

322. - Yeah, pearl, but I couldn't help myself.

323. I was just eat up with jealousy.

324. I seen red.

325. - I see it too, so clean off the movie screen.

326. Ben-Hur will look like he's bleeding

327. before the chariot race ever starts.

328. - Your excitin' when you're mad, Pearl.

329. - Oh, get up there, you old coot.

330. And now, folks, you're gonna meet a real live millionaire

331. and his family, all the way from Beverly Hills, Californy.

332. Your friends and my kinfolk,

333. the Clampetts.

334. Jed, Granny, Elly May.

335. - Folks, mighty nice to be back here

336. with you again and,

337. y'all invited to come visit us in Beverly Hills.

338. We got plenty of room and,

339. Granny will whomp up a mess of heavenly hash for you.

340. - Jed, can I show 'em my mink coat?

341. - Sure, Granny.

342. - This here is a genuine mink coat.

343. Given to me by the banker.

344. Nobody get the wrong idea.

345. They ain't no strings attached.

346. I'm still the same sweet girl

347. I was when I left here.

348. - And now, folks,

349. I've got a real big surprise for you.

350. As you know,

351. those that can read,

352. the picture for tonight is "Ben-Hur,"

353. And I have wrote and composed a special song

354. in honor of the chariot race,

355. which is the most exciting part of the picture.

356. And this here special song is gonna be sung by

357. my daughter, Jethrene.

358. Take a bow, Jethrene.

359. The song will be sung in its entirety

360. during the chariot race,

361. and you can all join in the chorus.

362. But seeing that Homer Winch ain't got the tomato

363. off the screen yet,

364. Jethrene will give you a little sample right now.

365. - That's enough for now, Jethrene.

366. You'll hear the song again during the chariot race,

367. and everybody can join in the chorus.

368. And now, during the playing of the overture,

369. we invite your kind attention to the advertisements

370. which will appear on the screen.

371. I thank you.

372. All right, Charlie!

373. - Well, Mr Brewster, what you think?

374. - Where's Mr Brewster?

375. - Dogged if I know.

376. - I never felt him leave.

377. - It serves you right, Pearl,

378. that's what you get for throwing yourself at a city dude.

379. - Homer, hush up.

380. - Why, them fellas ain't nothing but a bunch of playboys,

381. just like bees flitting from flower to flower,

382. grabbing up the honey,

383. and then when your petals is drooping, they fly away.

384. - Everybody can hear you.

385. - I ain't ashamed of what I got to say.

386. I love Pearl Bodine.

387. - Hush up, Homer.

388. - Now, quiet down, Homer,

389. You're making Pearl blush.

390. - Be my blushing bride, Pearl,

391. Right here before your kinfolk,

392. your neighbors and Ben-Hur,

393. I'm asking you to marry me.

394. - Get up off your knees,

395. you're making a spectacle of yourself.

396. - I caught him, ma.

397. he was sneaking out the door, and I caught him.

398. - I was not sneaking.

399. I simply went outside

400. for a breath of fresh air.

401. - Put him down.

402. You wasn't running away was you, Mr Brewster?

403. - No, of course not.

404. - Everybody's invited over to my house for apple cider.

405. - Jed, wake up.

406. Jed, you too, Jethro,

407. come on now.

408. Get out from underfoot, both of you.

409. - Granny, we was up late last night.

410. - Yeah, Granny, we wanna sleep.

411. - It ain't what you want that makes you fat.

412. It's what you get.

413. Now, get up off that floor.

414. - Hey!

415. Why you wanna do that fer?

416. - Yeah, that's cold.

417. - When I say get, you get.

418. - The floor is cold and hard.

419. - You're getting soft from city life.

420. Now, get dressed, get washed and get packed.

421. - Packed? - You heard what I said.

422. I ain't gonna spend another night in this place,

423. not with that wild daughter of yourn.

424. I didn't sleep a wink.

425. - Appears to me like you're getting

426. a might soft from city living too.

427. Time was, when you never minded sharing a bed with Elly May.

428. - I still don't mind sharing a bed with Elly May,

429. but I draw the line when it comes

430. to sharing with them others.

431. - What others?

432. - Well, there was an owl, and a squirrel,

433. a crow, and a fox,

434. a possum, and a skunk,

435. and a porcupine.

436. - Well, I'll go and speak to Elly May.

437. - I wouldn't go in there if I were you,

438. unless you want them flannels took right off you.

439. - What are you talking about?

440. - Do you know where my mink coat is right now?

441. - Where?

442. - In the top of a tree,

443. full of baby eagles.

444. - Granny.

445. - Their momma and me fought for nie on near ten minutes

446. for that coat,

447. but with them claws on her,

448. she could get a better purchase on it.

449. Took it flat out the window.

450. - You've been at your rheumatism medicine.

451. I ain't about to swallow no story about an eagle.

452. - Uncle Jed, Granny,

453. a great big ol' eagle just snatched

454. the hat right off my head.

455. - See what, I told you,

456. when a momma eagle wants to keep her babies warm,

457. she'll grab anything.

458. - Somebody better help Elly May hang on to her blankets,

459. 'cause that rascal just flew in her window.

460. - Freda, you hadn't oughta took Jethro's hat.

461. - Never mind about Jethro's hat,

462. ask her to bring back Granny's mink coat.

463. Only if she wants to, of course.

464. - Freda, you bring back Granny's mink coat.

465. - And if she's took any suitcases,

466. see if you can get them back too.

467. We's packing up.

468. - Sit down.

469. Oh, excuse me a minute.

470. - Good morning, Pearl.

471. - Homer Winch, I told you and I told you,

472. don't come into my house without I invite you.

473. - I happen to be here in my official capacity

474. as a jitney driver. - I don't want no jitney.

475. - Well, Mr Brewster does.

476. - Don't say nothing to Mr Brewster,

477. and I'll bake you two pies.

478. - Pearl, there's only one way you can seal my lips

479. and stop my jitney,

480. and that's with a smack.

481. - All right.

482. - No, not that kind.

483. I mean,

484. with a kiss.

485. - A kiss?

486. - That's my price.

487. Take it or leave it.

488. - Homer, why, that's the most shocking,

489. disgusting, insulting, dis-

490. - Oh, Mr Brew-

491. Pearl?

492. Where'd you go, Pearl?

493. - Ma's coming and,

494. boy, is she a drivin'.

495. - She must've heard we is leaving.

496. - Without getting her married to Mr Brewster.

497. - I reckon we's in for a considerable bawling.

498. - Ain't nobody can outcry ma when she commences to gushing.

499. - Pearl?

500. I reckon you's heard we's going to Beverly Hills.

501. Oh, now, Pearl,

502. you's bawling already.

503. - Don't worry, Pearl, you'll get a feller.

504. - Yeah, come on back to Beverly Hills with us.

505. - I can't.

506. - All right, Pearl, all right.

507. I can't fight a woman's tears.

508. We'll stay here until you marry Mr Brewster.

509. - Yeah, Ma,

510. and I'll be your best man.

511. - And you can wear that beautiful mink coat

512. on your honeymoon.

513. Pearl, what are you crying about now?

514. - The mink coat.

515. - What about it?

516. - I was driving down the road

517. and a great big eagle took it right out of my lap.

518. - Don't you worry.

519. Elly may?

520. - Yeah, Pa?

521. - You shimmy up that tree,

522. and tell that grabby eagle,

523. to give you back that mink coat

524. for Pearl's honeymoon,

525. or she ain't no friend of yours.

526. Only if she wants to, of course.