The Beverly Hillbillies 1x13

Directed by Richard Whorf

Bea Benaderet as Cousin Pearl Bodine • Paul Winchell as Grandpa Winch • Frank Wilcox as John Brewster • Eilene Janssen as First Airline Hostess • Jeanne Vaughn as Second Airline Hostess

The Clampetts take their first plane flight back home for Christmas to visit cousin Pearl, who is busy cooking up a feast to win Mr. Brewster's unwilling heart. Mr. Brewster insults Pearl when he asks her to be his housekeeper, while she thought it was going to be a proposal.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - "The Beverly Hillbillies."

2. - How long do you reckon it'll take us

3. to get home, Pa?

4. - Jethro figures, about six days hard drivin'.

5. Where are you going with that wood?

6. - Well, Granny wants it on the truck.

7. - Put it down.

8. With all the wood we got back in the cabin,

9. we sure ain't going to haul none from Beverly Hills.

10. - Oh, she says it's for on the way.

11. - On the way?

12. Granny, what in the world are you doing?

13. - I'm making sure we don't freeze to death.

14. - But it's warm here.

15. - It won't be when we get to the mountains.

16. - You figured you keep that thing burning for six days?

17. - And six nights.

18. Don't forget it's December every other place but here.

19. Dag-blain Californy, the weather is as mixed up

20. as the people.

21. I'll be glad when I get back

22. where there's some snow and ice.

23. - I can't wait to see Ma and Jethrene.

24. - Yeah, it'll be mighty fine Christmas present

25. for your ma and my sister,

26. us droppin' in on them like this.

27. - Now, tell me again, exactly what did Marie say.

28. - She simply said the Clampetts were loading their truck

29. and appeared to be moving out.

30. - Why? What could have happened?

31. Who offended them?

32. Whoever it was, I'll have them driven out of Beverly Hills.

33. - Chief, chief, don't get so upset.

34. I know a man with $25 million in your bank

35. is important to you. - Is that why you think

36. I'm upset, because Jed Clampett has 25 million in my bank?

37. - Isn't it? - Of course not.

38. The thing that upsets me is the fact

39. he might take it out.

40. (audience laughs) Faster! Faster!

41. - I don't know whatever happened

42. to the key to that door,

43. but I reckon with all our stuff out of there,

44. ain't nothing left anybody that wanna take,

45. except some old pictures.

46. - Oh, Miss Hathaway says a couple

47. of them pictures is Rembrandt.

48. - Alright. After Christmas, we'll see he gets them back.

49. Let her roll. (audience laughs)

50. - Stop! Stop! What, what, where are you going?

51. - Going home. - What?

52. Please, you can't go away and leave me like this.

53. - All right, climb on. I reckon we got room for you.

54. - Oh, thank heavens, we caught you before you left.

55. - Granny, is there room for two back there?

56. - Yeah. If they want to squat next to the stove.

57. - No, we don't want to go with you.

58. We want you to stay here.

59. - We'll be back after Christmas.

60. - Oh, Mr. Clampett,

61. if-if you want to go home for Christmas,

62. let me make the arrangements.

63. I'll have you there tonight.

64. - Tonight?

65. - Clean back home?

66. - Yes and you'll arrive in style, too.

67. Oh, Miss Hathaway, I think Granny and Elly May

68. should have mink coats for the trip, do you?

69. - Of course.

70. - Well, let's go take care of it and the reservations, too.

71. Mr. Clampett, you start unloading the truck

72. and leave everything to us.

73. You'll be home in five to six hours on a jet.

74. Let's go. - Yes.

75. - What's a jet, Pa?

76. - I don't know. A bus or jitney, I reckon.

77. (audience laughs) - It'll get us there tonight?

78. - You heard what he said.

79. Well, that will be a surprise to Pearl.

80. - Uncle Jed, it took us six days to get out of here.

81. How are we going to get back home in five or six hours?

82. - That bus driver must know a doozy of a short cut.

83. - Pat, have we got plenty of champagne and caviar?

84. - I guess so. Why?

85. - The entire first class section has been reserved

86. for a family of VIPs, the Clampetts.

87. - Wow.

88. - Young ladies, I presume you've been advised

89. of special arrangements for the Clampett family.

90. - Oh, yes. - Oh, yes, indeed.

91. - Certainly have.

92. - Here they come now.

93. - Oh, get a load of those minks.

94. - Yeah. - Granny, Elly May,

95. right this way.

96. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable

97. in the lounge, this way.

98. - Uh-oh. How did they get passed the gate?

99. - Let's get them out of here before the Clampetts see them.

100. I'm afraid you're in the wrong section.

101. May I see your tickets, please?

102. - Well, I don't think we got any.

103. Say, this bus sure is fancy.

104. - Bus?

105. - You came to the wrong place.

106. You want the bus station.

107. Now, just go back the way you came

108. and ask for the traveler's aid.

109. Now, they'll help you.

110. - Oh, yeah, thank you, ma'am.

111. Granny. Elly May. Come on, we're on the wrong bus.

112. - Mr. Clampett, what's the trouble?

113. - This is Mr. Clampett?

114. - Of course, right this way. Jethro.

115. Here, Jethro, keep the tickets.

116. Now, Mr. Clampett,

117. you have the money Mr. Drysdale gave you?

118. - Yes, ma'am, right here.

119. - A limousine will meet you and take you to Pearl's house,

120. and Mr. Drysdale is phoning ahead to Mr. Brewster

121. to be sure your cabin is in order.

122. - Oh, don't let him give away his surprise to Pearl.

123. - Oh, he won't.

124. Well, happy landing.

125. Merry Christmas and au revoir.

126. - Merry Christmas to you, too. - Merry Christmas.

127. - And, Jethro, here's something for you

128. if you promise to bring it back to me.

129. Take good care of them,

130. and remember the tall, young, good looking one is mine.

131. - May I have your coat?

132. - My coat? - Please.

133. - Well, it's brand sparkin' new.

134. - Well, I'll take good care of it.

135. - Well, it's Christmas.

136. I got my rheumatism medicine to keep me warm.

137. You can have it. (audience laughs)

138. - May I take your coat, please?

139. - Should I, Pa?

140. - Well, I reckon not.

141. We don't mind sharing with folks,

142. but when they get grabby and wantin' everything,

143. well, we just got to mule up and say no.

144. If you can't afford to buy a coat of your own,

145. here, you just peel off whatever you need.

146. - Oh, no, Mr. Clampett, you misunderstood.

147. We just want to hang the coats up.

148. We don't want you to give them to us.

149. - Oh, that's very neighborly of you.

150. - Thank you very much. - Sure.

151. Now, if you'll all be seated over here

152. until we get underway.

153. - Come on, lets go.

154. - Now, fasten your belt.

155. - Well, I ain't wearing one, ma'am, just my galluses.

156. - I meant your seat belts. (engine rumbling)

157. - Whoo-doggies. This is a fancy bus.

158. Looks like the bus is commencin' to pull out.

159. - Now, we'll see if this bus driver

160. knows an all-fire, fancy shortcut.

161. - Elly, lets you and me watch the road

162. so we can remember it.

163. - Okay, Jethro.

164. - If you ask me, this bus driver of ours is lost.

165. He just keeps a-circlin' and a-turnin'.

166. - I ain't noticed no shortcut yet.

167. - Me neither.

168. - Listen to him a-racin' that engine.

169. - Yeah. But the wheels must be spinning in the mud.

170. We ain't moving.

171. - He got her out of the mud.

172. - Yeah. We're moving now.

173. - Lickety-split, too.

174. - By doggies, if he gets to going much faster,

175. this thing's gonna leave the ground.

176. - Don't look now, but it is leaving the ground.

177. - Jethro, you better get up there

178. and tell that bus driver to slow down.

179. - We ain't got time for that.

180. Let's get off of this thing 'fore it gets any higher.

181. - Now, wasn't that a smooth takeoff?

182. - You may unfasten your seat belts any time you like.

183. Would you folks, like some champagne and caviar?

184. Or would you prepare a nice hot meal?

185. - We have steak, chicken, fish. Anything you like.

186. - Oh, no. Thanks.

187. We had some grits and jowls before we left home.

188. - Perhaps you'd like to relax then and take a little nap.

189. - There. - Whoops.

190. - Whoo-doggies. Granny, ain't that something.

191. - It's good for my rheumatis.

192. - Now, if there's anything else that we can do

193. to make your trip more comfortable,

194. just press the little button.

195. - And we'll be right here.

196. - Them girls ain't a bit scared.

197. - Sure is friendly, too,

198. offering to share their food with us.

199. - Makes me feel ashamed.

200. We didn't let them keep our coats.

201. - Do you want me to go up

202. and talk to the bus driver, Uncle Jed?

203. - Nah, I reckon not, Jethro.

204. Don't nobody else seems skittish,

205. and we don't want folks to think this is our first bus ride.

206. - Jed?

207. - Yeah, Granny.

208. - It sure will be nice to see snow again, won't it?

209. - That's the truth.

210. Christmas just don't seem like Christmas without it.

211. - And Pearl's house is always special pretty in the snow.

212. - She sure is gonna be surprised

213. when we all come tromping in there tonight.

214. - Howdy, Pearl.

215. - Homer Winch, when are you gonna learn

216. not to walk in to a body's house

217. without a body inviting you?

218. - Well, I rang and you didn't come.

219. - You, you didn't give me time, you old coot.

220. Now, don't you ever do that again.

221. Get out of my parlor.

222. - I like you when you're mad, Pearl. (laughs)

223. You're an excitin' woman.

224. - Homer, you get out of here.

225. I don't have time for your foolishness.

226. Jethrene and me's going to Californy

227. to spend Christmas with Cousin Jed.

228. - Well, I reckon you don't care to hear

229. what I got to say. - That's right.

230. - About Mr. Brewster. - Mr. Brewster?

231. - Yeah, that tall, good-looking city feller

232. that works for the oil company.

233. Drives that big car.

234. - W-w-what about him? Is he in town?

235. - I've been ordered from your parlor, Pearl.

236. - I think I'd best be going. - Homer. Homer.

237. (laughs) I didn't mean it.

238. Please, Homer, you tell me about Mr. Brewster,

239. and I'll bake you a sweet potato pie.

240. - Well.

241. - And for dessert,

242. Red Horse swimming in elderberry wine.

243. - You're an exciting woman, Pearl. (laughs)

244. - Now tell me.

245. - Well, he stopped over at the emporium

246. to get some cheese and crackers.

247. said he was gonna be over at Jed's cabin alone all day

248. and he didn't have no food.

249. - Well, thank you, Homer. Merry Christmas.

250. - Now, wait, wait, wait a minute, Pearl.

251. You ain't gonna do me our of my tater pie, are you?

252. - Well, of course not. You'll get it.

253. - Well, when? When? - Well, I'll let you know.

254. I'm busy right now. Bye, Homer.

255. - Ding, dang, darn it, I done it again.

256. Let some pretty woman twist me around her finger.

257. I hate to go home.

258. Momma is gonna give me the dickens.

259. - Jed.

260. - Yeah, Granny.

261. - I just had a terrible thought.

262. - What's that?

263. - Suppose we get to Pearl's house and she ain't there?

264. - Where would she be?

265. - Out chasing that Brewster feller, that's where.

266. - Ah, she's ain't likely to catch him

267. in her horse and buggy.

268. - Whoa, Bessie.

269. Now, Bessie, I play my cards right,

270. you get to keep that there blanket permanent

271. 'cause I'm going to have something else

272. to keep me warm, a husband.

273. (giggles) Ain't that a beautiful word, a husband.

274. Husband, and what's more,

275. I'll be riding in that big fancy automobile.

276. So you can retire to pasture

277. with that good looking race horse from Hot Springs.

278. - Well, I thought I heard a horse.

279. Mrs. Bodine, won't you come in?

280. - Well, thank you.

281. It's a mighty cold today, ain't it?

282. - Yes, it is. Oh, it's nice to see you again.

283. I, I'm sorry, it's so called in here.

284. I didn't bother to build a fire in the fireplace

285. and I'm afraid that kerosene stove

286. doesn't put out much heat.

287. - Well, I can't stay but a minute.

288. I just came by to give you this and say, Merry Christmas.

289. - Well, thank you. Oh, you shouldn't have.

290. - Oh, it's just something that I made myself.

291. - Oh, that's nice.

292. - Land to mercy! Look at this place.

293. Why, you men just can't manage alone, can you?

294. It takes a woman.

295. - Oh, please don't bother. I won't be here.

296. You see, I'm going home to Tulsa for the holidays.

297. - I won't go to no trouble.

298. I'll just throw together a little snack

299. and while you're eating, I'll tidy up a bit.

300. - Ah, this is

301. the most fantastic miracle I've ever seen,

302. the way you produced this banquet right out of thin air.

303. Ham, fried chicken, roast pork

304. and this delicious sweet potato pie.

305. - (chuckles) That's my own special recipe.

306. Here, wash it down with some Red Horse

307. and elderberry win- uh, juice.

308. (audience laughs) - Well, thank you.

309. Mm-mm. Oh, that is sensational juice.

310. But, Mrs. Bodine, I really, I just can't eat another bite.

311. Why, Mrs. Bodine, what have you done to this cabin?

312. - Oh, do you see a difference?

313. - And where did you get those curtains?

314. - Well, I just run up while you was eating.

315. - Really, you are a remarkable woman.

316. You cook, you sew, you're a wonderful housekeeper.

317. - And, and I love it. It ain't work to me at all.

318. It's pure enjoyment.

319. - Mrs. Bodine, I know that this must seem awfully sudden

320. to you and I-I know you have lots of ties

321. and lots of activities here in the hills,

322. but I was wondering do you think you could possibly be happy

323. living in a city like Tulsa?

324. - Tulsa? That's where you live, ain't it?

325. - Yes, I have a very nice home there, but,

326. frankly, it needs you, and I think Mother will agree.

327. - You want me to meet your m-mother?

328. - Well, actually, it isn't necessary.

329. I know Mother will approve of my choice.

330. You don't have to give me your answer immediately.

331. - You just think it over. - Yeah, yes.

332. - That's my, that's my answer. Yes.

333. - Oh, but we haven't even discussed money.

334. - I'll give you every cent I make.

335. - Mrs. Bodine, as my housekeeper,

336. I will be paying you.

337. - Housekeeper? (audience laughs)

338. - That and caring for Mother.

339. Coincidentally, Mother is just going

340. to love this elderberry juice.

341. What's the matter?

342. Did I do something?

343. - You sure did.

344. You let me cook for you.

345. You let me sew for you.

346. Hand me the ham.

347. And You let me houseclean for you.

348. Now, then, I don't know what it takes

349. to get engaged in Tulsa,

350. but in these here hills, you've done enough

351. to get yourself promised, hitched and honeymooned.

352. - Really, uh, uh, Mrs. Bodine, I-I didn't mean to.

353. - I'm going to Beverly Hills

354. to spend Christmas with my cousin Jed,

355. and when I tell him what you've done,

356. he ain't gonna take kindly to it.

357. - What? Mrs. Bodine, I give you my word that I-

358. - You give me my hand-knit socks.

359. Your feet can't get no colder than they are right now.

360. - They're sleeping like babies.

361. - Do you think we should wake them for the movie?

362. - I don't know.

363. The latest super western

364. is just the kind of picture they'd enjoy.

365. - Well, why don't we start it and if they wake up, fine.

366. - Good idea.

367. - Huh, what? What?

368. - We's back on the ground. - Good.

369. - Look through that front window.

370. We's chasing some fellers.

371. - They shooting at us.

372. - Exciting, isn't it?

373. - Get down! - Oh!

374. - You was right in their line of fire.

375. - What's going on?

376. - Whatever it is, I'm getting in on it.

377. - Oh. (audience laughs)

378. - But, Mr. Drysdale,

379. Pearl is on her way to California to see them.

380. - Well, can you catch her in time?

381. - Oh, I think so.

382. She's driving a horse and buggy.

383. I'll tell her, her family is on the way.

384. - No, no. This is a surprise.

385. - Well, then what'll I say?

386. - Well, say anything to keep her there

387. until the Clampetts arrive.

388. Now, get over to Pearl's.

389. - Oh, no, she, she might misconstrued it.

390. You see, I have a very delicate situation here.

391. - Yes, you certainly have.

392. And if you spoil Jed Clampett's Christmas surprise,

393. he'll cut off your oil.

394. - But, but Pearl might think I want to marry.

395. - Merry Christmas to you, too. Bye.

396. - Hello. Hello? Oh, boy.

397. - Here's the sweet potato pie and Red Horse I promised.

398. - Hey, there's a piece of this pie missing

399. and a gulp or two of this Red Horse.

400. Who got it, Pearl?

401. - None of your business. Now, get along.

402. Jethrene and me is leaving for Californy.

403. - And I want a whole pie just like I was promised.

404. - Now, you get out of here before I throw you out of here.

405. Men is all alike.

406. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

407. - You're an exciting woman, Pearl.

408. - Oh, don't you even speak to me.

409. There ain't a man alive worth the powder

410. it'd take to blow him to you know where.

411. Men is just a bunch of low-down,

412. no good, Mr. Brewster!

413. - Mrs. Bodine, I hope you're not angry at me any longer.

414. - What? Angry at you?

415. (laughs) Don't be ridiculous.

416. Oh, here, have, have some more sweet potato pie

417. and some Red Horse.

418. - So this is you rascal who been planning to steal my woman

419. and my pie.

420. I'm gonna give you such a, ooh! (groaning)

421. Oh, I think I've throwed my dang knee out.

422. - And I'm gonna throw out the rest of you.

423. - Um, you see, in my business, I, uh.

424. Well, what I mean to say is that,

425. I, I'm away from home a lot and, uh.

426. Uh, well, I think that a husband should.

427. That is, what I mean to say is that in my opinion, I.

428. Could I have another slug of that elderberry juice?

429. (audience laughs) - No, you cannot.

430. Now, then, I've been sitting here

431. for three solid hours listening to you,

432. and you have yet to say one word

433. that a widow woman could get her teeth into.

434. Jethrene, bring the suitcases.

435. - Oh! Oh, please don't go.

436. - I ain't listening to one more word you got to say

437. less you say it on your knees.

438. Don't come in yet, Jethrene.

439. All right, say it.

440. - Please don't go.

441. - You are the slipperiest man that ever lived.

442. Come on, Jethrene. (audience laughs)

443. You get out of my parlor and you stay out.

444. - You want me to throw him out, Ma?

445. - He can walk.

446. Homer Winch, is that you again?

447. - Hello, Pearl, it's us.

448. - Merry Christmas, Ma! - Merry Christmas!

449. - Merry Christmas! - Jethro!

450. - Merry Christmas, Jethrene.

451. - Uncle Jed.

452. - My, you have grown,

453. Mr. Brewster, what are you doing?

454. - Mr. Clampett, if you'd been just one second later,

455. I would've been engaged to your cousin Pearl.

456. - Go back out, everybody! - Oh, Mr. Clampett!

457. Please, Mr. Clampett, wait! (audience laughs)

458. - You're nothing but a two-timer, Homer Winch.

459. Pearl told me about you sparkin' her,

460. you old rascal, you.

461. - You're excitin' when you're mad, Granny. (laughs)

462. Say, how about going for a little sleigh ride with me?

463. - You promise to behave?

464. - Sure, I do.

465. - Well, we might as well stay here and sing.