1. Look at this.
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2. I mean, I just went outside
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3. to get the newspaper.
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4. I'm talking about 30 seconds.
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5. And look at me.
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6. It's so damn hot.
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7. California. In the middle
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8. of winter, it's 95 degrees.
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9. Bernie Mac, why don't you
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10. get in your pool? I can't.
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11. It's being drained.
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12. But I'll tell you one thing,
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13. America, Bernie Mac gonna
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14. sit right here...
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15. and chill for
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16. the rest of the day.
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17. I go first!
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18. I go first!
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19. I do!
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20. I do!
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21. Red goes first!
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22. I don't care. I'm just
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23. gonna sit here and chill.
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24. Red goes first!
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25. Black goes first!
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26. No, it doesn't!
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27. Yes, it does!
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28. I don't understand.
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29. Heat's supposed to
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30. make them kids tired.
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31. Kinda slow 'em down.
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32. I guess if they're kids from
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33. hell they're used to the heat.
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34. No, it doesn't!
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35. Yes, it does!
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36. No, it doesn't!
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37. Yes, it does!
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38. You don't know how to play!
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39. Okay. Okay.
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40. I can't take it no more.
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41. Yes, it does!
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42. No, it doesn't!
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43. Hey, hey, hey! Stop it!
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44. I want you all
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45. to play quietly.
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46. Uncle Bernie,
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47. will you play with us?
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48. Sweetheart, it's too hot.
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49. I don't wanna play.
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50. I just wanna cool off today.
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51. We'll cool you off
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52. if you play with us.
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53. Jordan. Jordan.
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54. See, I'm giving you
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55. a cool breeze.
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56. Jordan, Jordan, Jordan.
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57. Listen.
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58. You wanna chase us?
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59. Hell, no, I'm not gonna
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60. chase you. Now, Jordan—
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61. Stop it. Stop it.
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62. I want you all
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63. to play quiet. Quiet.
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64. Red goes first.
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65. Black goes first.
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66. No, it doesn't.
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67. Yes, it does.
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68. Ohh.
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69. Uncle Bernie,
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70. will you play with me?
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71. What's wrong with these kids?
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72. When did it become my job
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73. to entertain them?
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74. I entertain grown-ups.
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75. Children aren't even allowed
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76. at my show.
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77. That little one.
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78. Spitting all over.
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79. The kids just need
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80. something to do, Bernie.
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81. You should schedule something.
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82. I did schedule something.
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83. 10:00, leave me alone.
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84. 11:00, leave me alone.
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85. 12:00, make my lunch,
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86. then leave me alone.
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87. Bernie, you agreed to
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88. take the kids in.
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89. It really isn't asking too much
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90. for you to play with them
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91. for a little while.
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92. Baby, I didn't know
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93. it was going to be
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94. this doggone hot.
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95. And besides,
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96. there's three of 'em.
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97. They can play with each other.
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98. Stop following me.
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99. Hey, Splash Canyon.
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100. Can we go?
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101. It has the biggest
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102. waterslide in the whole world.
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103. Yeah, Splash Canyon,
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104. Splash Canyon!
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105. Can we go? Can we go?
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106. Please?
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107. I think that's
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108. a great idea, Bernie.
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109. Then the kids can
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110. entertain themselves.
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111. That is just what you wanted.
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112. You think you slick.
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113. Wanda thinks she's slick.
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114. Boy, I'm gonna prove her—
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115. Okay, I'll tell you what.
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116. I'm gonna take the kids
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117. to Splash Canyon.
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118. But if they give me
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119. any excuse to cut
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120. the trip short,
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121. I'm gonna take it and I'm gonna
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122. sit here guilt-free in
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123. my air-conditioned house.
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124. Watch. Any excuse.
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125. Sneeze—
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126. That sick one wheeze.
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127. We comin' back home.
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128. Anything. Glasses fall.
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129. If the big one gets smart.
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130. Coming back. Mm, quickness.
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131. "I thought we were going
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132. somewhere?" Mm, psych.
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133. - Watch.
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134. - We're going to
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135. Splash Canyon!
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136. Yeah!
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137. Splash Canyon! Splash Canyon!
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138. "Food, gas and lodging
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139. next exit."
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140. "Highway 101. Littering,
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141. minimum fine $300.
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142. "Benson's Discount Mattresses.
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143. Live, nude girls."
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144. Jordan, don't you read
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145. another doggone sign.
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146. You hear me?
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147. You read another sign—
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148. I'm gonna turn
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149. this car around.
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150. Them kids need discipline.
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151. Vanessa, what you got
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152. the window down for?
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153. - I'm cold.
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154. - You're supposed to be cold,
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155. the air conditioner on.
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156. Look here, it's hot outside,
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157. cold inside.
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158. Raise that window up.
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159. If you don't, I'm gonna
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160. turn this car around.
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161. Bernie, leave these kids alone.
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162. You're just making excuses.
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163. I ain't making
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164. no doggone excuses.
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165. Uncle Bernie,
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166. are we gonna see
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167. The Little Mermaid?
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168. No, baby girl, the mermaid's
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169. not gonna be there.
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170. But I wanna see
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171. The Little Mermaid.
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172. You wanna see a little mermaid?
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173. I have the videotape of
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174. The Little Mermaid.
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175. You wanna see it that bad,
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176. I'll turn the car around.
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177. Don't listen to Uncle Bernie.
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178. You kids want
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179. a Sticky Chew?
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180. One for you and you,
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181. and one for you.
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182. What's wrong?
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183. I dropped
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184. my Sticky Chew.
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185. Oh, I'm sorry.
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186. Wanda, you got another one?
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187. I only brought three.
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188. You want me to turn
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189. the car around and see if—
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190. Bernie.
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191. - Stop!
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192. - Leave her alone, Jordan.
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193. "Leave her alone, Jordan."
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194. God! I just got
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195. my hair done.
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196. Are you laughing?
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197. It cost me
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198. a hundred and fifty dollars.
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199. Turn this car around, Bernie.
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200. Ain't no way for me to go—
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201. Turn this car around.
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202. You make it happen!
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203. Give me that candy!
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204. I'm gonna turn
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205. the car around—
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206. Turn— Put a blinker on
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207. or something.
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208. I got the blinker on, baby.
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209. Get over, Bernie.
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210. My hair!
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211. I love it, I love it,
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212. I love it. I mean,
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213. I played it perfectly.
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214. And the bonus is I got to
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215. punish the kids indefinitely.
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216. So it's gonna be
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217. just what I wanted it
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218. the whole time.
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219. Just peace and quiet
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220. in the house.
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221. I mean, I'm gonna sit here
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222. and watch my D.V.D.
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223. in my cool A.C.
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224. I might even have a B.L.T.
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225. and some Sunny D.
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226. Lord, why me?
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227. Why me, Lord?
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228. Hey, baby,
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229. we got an emergency.
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230. I know. I got Sticky Chew
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231. in my hair.
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232. But, Ernesto said
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233. he can work me in.
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234. I know you're not gonna
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235. leave those kids with me
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236. in this heat. That's cold.
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237. You wanted to chill.
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238. Chill.
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239. Ahh, scandalous.
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240. I shoulda known, America.
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241. Black woman's hair?
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242. Takes priority over everything.
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243. We almost didn't do it
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244. on our honeymoon night...
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245. because she didn't wanna
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246. mess up her bridal do.
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247. Had to take her to
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248. the beauty shop
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249. first thing in the morning.
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250. Well, not first thing
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251. in the morning.
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252. Hey, hey.
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253. Where you all going?
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254. We want a Popsicle.
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255. You all are on punishment.
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256. You shouldn't even
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257. be out your room.
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258. - But it's hot.
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259. - Okay, I'll show you hot.
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260. Take this.
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261. Water-flavored Popsicle.
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262. But—
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263. But nothing. It's called
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264. punishment, not "funishment."
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265. Now go on back to
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266. your room. Get hot,
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267. swallow your spit. Go.
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268. Man, I'm so glad
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269. to see you, man.
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270. Do you know how hard it is
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271. to get somebody here
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272. on a day like today?
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273. This is a nice neighborhood.
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274. You, uh, you rent?
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275. No, I own.
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276. Oh. That's good.
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277. Oh, man. Hey, man,
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278. what are we looking at here?
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279. Big job, little job?
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280. Whatcha think?
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281. That's a very expensive
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282. wristwatch, eh?
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283. It's not my best watch.
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284. Look, man,
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285. just do what
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286. you gotta do,
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287. 'cause I gotta
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288. get outta this heat, okay?
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289. Baby, I gotta stay cool,
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290. and the key is do
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291. as little as possible.
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292. Achieve absolute stillness.
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293. It's very Zen,
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294. and the secret is balance.
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295. Like the fans.
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296. As one blows east,
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297. the other blows west.
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298. It's the yin-yang
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299. of cool.
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300. Ow! Oww! Ow, ow.
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301. Please, don't!
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302. Now I must go
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303. kick those kids
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304. in the yin-yang.
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305. A thousand pardons, America.
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306. Ow, ow, ow, ow.
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307. Baby girl, what's goin' on?
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308. Jordan bounced off
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309. and hit his head.
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310. Baby girl, s-sit down.
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311. - Sit down. Sit down.
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312. - Ow. Oww!
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313. Baby girl, stop!
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314. You're busting his head
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315. wide open!
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316. - I told you no fun.
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317. - I wasn't having fun.
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318. Come on.
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319. Get on out of there.
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320. That's it.
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321. That's it.
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322. I want you all down on the bed.
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323. I want you to sit there and
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324. think about what you've done.
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325. - But it's hot.
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326. - Heat rises to the top, Jordan.
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327. - Get down on the floor.
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328. - You said we couldn't get
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329. off our beds.
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330. Don't start with me.
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331. 'Cause the more I sweat,
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332. the more it's gonna hurt you.
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333. Now these kids
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334. got me all hot.
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335. I mean, I gotta cool down.
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336. I gotta think cool thoughts.
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337. Lots of icebergs with
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338. little penguins on it.
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339. Now, see, that's cool.
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340. Oh, yeah.
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341. What the—
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342. Wh— What the—
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343. Hey, man,
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344. you finished?
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345. Not yet.
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346. What's taking you so long?
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347. Very hot,
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348. my friend.
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349. Yeah, but I'm paying you
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350. by the hour.
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351. What are you saying?
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352. I'm Russian Mafia?
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353. I'm honest man.
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354. I fight the Chechnya.
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355. Look, man. Come on. Come on.
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356. I didn't mean nothing.
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357. I fought Cabrini-Green.
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358. It's just so hot, man.
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359. It's the heat.
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360. Go on, take your break.
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361. You want lemonade
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362. or something?
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363. Ice tea.
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364. Two sugars.
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365. Straw?
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366. No.
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367. Okay, do it.
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368. I'm Aquaman.
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369. Ninety-one degrees.
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370. What the—
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371. Can't get me.
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372. I'm too fast for you.
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373. Got ya.
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374. No, you're not.
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375. You're not too fast.
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376. Hey, hey, hey!
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377. Hey! Hey!
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378. Y'all don't listen.
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379. I told y'all no fun.
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380. We were punishing Jordan
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381. for you.
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382. I want y'all to clean this mess
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383. up, and I want you to clean it
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384. now and get back to your room.
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385. Man, it's like a prison
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386. in here.
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387. Oh, you think it's like
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388. a prison, huh?
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389. Well, I got news for you.
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390. It ain't, 'cause in prison,
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391. there's hope.
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392. Clean up!
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393. There ain't gonna be
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394. no phone for a whole month.
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395. No video game either.
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396. Baby girl, you can
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397. kiss that doggone Barbie doll
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398. good-bye. Kiss it.
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399. 'Cause they goin'.
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400. That's enough.
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401. Give 'em here. Here.
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402. That's right.
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403. [ Air Conditioner
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404. Starts Up ]
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405. - Oh, thank you, Lord.
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406. - Uncle Bernie, does this mean
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407. we're not punished anymore?
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408. This means you can't complain
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409. about being hot.
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410. I'm back.
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411. Mmm. Ahh.
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412. Hey, hey.
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413. Somebody open the door.
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414. - Who is it?
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415. - You know who it is, Nessa.
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416. Open this doggone door!
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417. Ow, ow. But we'll get
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418. in trouble.
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419. We're already in trouble.
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420. If we open the door,
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421. are we still punished?
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422. - More punished.
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423. - See?
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424. - Okay.
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425. Open the door!
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426. Open the doggone—
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427. You believe it?
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428. They locked me out of
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429. my own house. My house!
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430. A man's home is
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431. supposed to be his castle.
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432. You don't lock a king
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433. out of his castle.
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434. When I get back in there?
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435. I'm throwing those kids
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436. in the dungeon.
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437. Don't let me get in there!
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438. Oh, don't let me
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439. get in there. Whoa!
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440. Baby girl, open the door.
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441. Open the door. Come on.
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442. I'm gonna choke you
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443. in front of the police. You.
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444. How long can we
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445. keep him out there?
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446. Well, we're already in trouble.
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447. So we might as well
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448. put it off as long as we can.
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449. Ahh.
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450. The patio door!
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451. Ice cream.
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452. Open the door.
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453. This isn't funny anymore.
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454. You're right.
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455. It's hilarious.
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456. It's on.
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457. Okay, okay.
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458. So I underestimated 'em.
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459. That's okay.
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460. They underestimated me too.
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461. See, I've been married
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462. a long time.
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463. I've been locked out before.
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464. See, you might not
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465. believe this, America,
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466. but there was time
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467. Bernie Mac wasn't so easy
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468. to live with.
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469. But those times
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470. taught me a few tricks.
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471. I ain't dead, believe me.
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472. I ain't dead.
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473. They just children.
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474. Ah, they think
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475. they know something.
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476. I'm getting ready to
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477. teach 'em, as soon as
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478. my ankle get together.
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479. Don't think I been married
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480. all this time, and Wanda
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481. ain't locked me out.
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482. Wake up in the morning,
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483. be laying right next to her.
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484. There's a little window
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485. over the sink.
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486. Wanda likes to keep it open
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487. so you can smell the hydrangeas.
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488. I'm home free.
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489. Oh!
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490. Sorry, but we don't
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491. want to let any of
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492. the cold air out.
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493. - Okay.
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494. Might as well raise
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495. the stakes now, baby.
Copy !req
496. 'Cause Bernie Mac won't give up.
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497. I can take anything
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498. they dish out. Anything.
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499. It's on now.
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500. Be ready to pop! Pop!
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501. Vanessa? Vanessa?
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502. Come on now.
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503. I'm tired.
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504. Let me in.
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505. Look, I'm Bernie Mac.
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506. - Boy, take your medicine!
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507. Nessa, get off that phone.
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508. Don't breathe unless
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509. I tell you to.
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510. I'm gonna kill
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511. one of them kids.
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512. Nessa!
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513. Get out of my chair!
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514. That's my chair!
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515. - It's my chair.
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516. - My house!
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517. - My world!
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518. Not anymore.
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519. The key.
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520. What?
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521. Who said that?
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522. I must be having the sunstroke.
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523. Look under the mat.
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524. I hope it ain't what
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525. I think it is.
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526. I'm sorry for my sins.
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527. The key.
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528. Delete all files.
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529. What's he up to?
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530. The key.
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531. - The spare key!
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532. Got you. Give me that key.
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533. No!
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534. Bryana, the key!
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535. Noo!
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536. We have to go back
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537. for her.
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538. Face it, he's got her.
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539. - Baby girl,
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540. don't be scared.
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541. Uncle Bernie's not
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542. mad at you.
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543. Uncle Bernie loves you.
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544. In fact, I want you to
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545. join up with me...
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546. since your brother
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547. and sister abandoned you.
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548. What's "a-band"?
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549. Um, abandon is when
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550. somebody leave you behind.
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551. And since they did that,
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552. I want you to be on my side
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553. now, okay?
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554. Okay.
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555. Okay.
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556. We'll make you a deal.
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557. We'll give you an ice-cold
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558. pitcher of lemonade
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559. with your little fan,
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560. - and you give us Bryana back.
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561. - No way. We don't wanna
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562. come back.
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563. Matter of fact,
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564. I'll give you a better deal.
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565. You let me in my own house,
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566. and I swear I'll take
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567. 10 years off your punishment.
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568. No deal.
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569. See?
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570. She abandoned me
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571. again.
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572. I told you.
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573. She don't like you.
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574. That's all right.
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575. - Baby girl, look.
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576. Look at the door.
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577. Come on.
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578. When I get my hands on 'em,
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579. y'all gonna see.
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580. Uncle Bernie,
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581. can I play?
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582. Oh, it's on.
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583. Oh, it's on.
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584. It's on.
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585. It's on.
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586. Vanessa, Vanessa!
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587. Come quick.
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588. Uncle Bernie's hurt!
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589. He's just making you
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590. say that.
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591. Uh-uh. He fell down.
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592. Here I am, suckers!
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593. Yeah! That's all right, baby.
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594. That's all right.
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595. Oh! Oh, yeah!
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596. Yeah, yeah!
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597. Yeah, kids,
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598. how you like that?
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599. How you like that?
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600. Yeah?
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601. Oh! Oh! Oh!
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602. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
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603. Wait!
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604. What the hell is going on here?
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605. Bernie, you got
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606. my whole front yard soaked.
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607. And my flowers
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608. are all trampled.
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609. Don't you dare.
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610. I just got my hair done.
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611. If you even as so much
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612. get one drop— Ooh.
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613. - Now!
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614. Wait, wait!
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615. Y'all was laughing too.
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616. Man, that was
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617. a whole lot of fun.
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618. Thanks to those crazy-ass
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619. kids, I guess. I mean, man,
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620. they put me through a lot.
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621. But it's good to know you
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622. can still have that kind of
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623. fun right here in your home.
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624. Now, America,
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625. don't misunderstand me,
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626. they still on punishment.
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627. 'Cause when Bernie Mac
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628. tell you to open the door,
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629. doggone it, you open the door.
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630. Hold on a minute.
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631. Open up this door.
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632. Oh, Jordan. Vanessa.
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633. Open up the door!
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634. Open the door!
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635. America, y'all call somebody.
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636. Open the door.
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637. Wanda!
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638. Baby girl?
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639. Open this doggone door!
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640. Jordan!
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641. Y'all call somebody for real.
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642. Open the door!
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643. I'm about to pop!
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644. It's on.
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645. Part two. It's on.
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646. Open up the door!
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647. You think you got
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648. enough lemons, man?
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649. Yeah, I finish.
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650. Air-conditioning is fixed.
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651. That's great.
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652. Yeah, you come to van.
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653. I give you bill.
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654. Uh, we take MasterCard,
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655. Visa, no Discover.
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656. I'll pay cash.
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657. You said you take Visa?
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658. Mm.
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659. Man—
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660. Give me my damn lemons.
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