The Bernie Mac Show 1x8

Amy Hill as Teacher #2 • Wade Williams as Father Cronin • Garrett Jackman as Byron • Meagen Fay as Teacher

With the kids officially under Bernie's control, it's come time to find them schooling. He enrolls Bryana in a prestigious preschool, Jordan in Catholic school and Vanessa in public junior high. On the first day however, everything that can go wrong, does. With Wanda at work, Bernie is forced to figure everything out for himself. While trying to braid Bryana's hair, he gets hair grease all over his favorite shirt. Jordan fakes being sick and actually forces himself to puke on Bernie's second favorite shirt. Vanessa barricades herself in the bathroom, having ""the worst hair day ever!"" Bernie being Bernie fortunately finds away around all the problems. He fixes Bryana's hair, he foils Jordan's fake illness and he boosts Vanessa's confidence. Not bad for a day's work. If only he didn't ruin his favorite shirts in the process.

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1. Captioning sponsored by

2. and REGENCY TELEVISION

3. Man, I'm tired.

4. I'm too tired to talk.

5. I'm too tired to eat.

6. I'm too tired...

7. I ain't never that tired.

8. I'm even too tired to laugh.

9. Let me tell you something:

10. Boarding school.

11. Send your kids

12. to boarding school.

13. America, you know those schools

14. that were invented

15. for rich folks

16. who didn't have time

17. for their kids?

18. Man, let me tell you,

19. I used to judge them.

20. I used to think real low

21. of them people.

22. Not anymore.

23. See, now I understand.

24. If you can afford it

25. and you got the opportunity

26. send your kids

27. to boarding school.

28. Shoot, me, I can afford it.

29. I just ain't got

30. the opportunity.

31. Doing real good,

32. tooling all over the place.

33. Got plenty of money.

34. Bernie, wake up.

35. It's time for school.

36. I don't feel like getting up

37. right now, baby.

38. I made the kids' lunches

39. and I fixed a pot of oatmeal.

40. Makes sure

41. that Jordan eats.

42. His blood sugar is low.

43. I picked out a cute outfit

44. for Bryana.

45. I wish I could see her.

46. Come on, Bernie.

47. Don't make them late

48. for their first day.

49. Baby, I got a full half an hour.

50. Ain't nobody going to be late.

51. You wanted to be a daddy?

52. Get to daddying.

53. What's up? Busting loose.

54. Time to do it.

55. Come on, now.

56. All right, let's go. Let's go

57. Let's get up.

58. Jordan, let's get up.

59. Where baby girl at?

60. Come on, Vanessa.

61. I'll bet if I stop feeding you,

62. you have something to say.

63. Come on, now,

64. Jordan, get up!

65. I don't feel good.

66. Jordan, don't even try that.

67. And where the hell

68. is baby girl at?

69. Right here.

70. Hey. Now

71. where were you, baby girl?

72. I was having a BM.

73. A BM?

74. Oh, you mean you were doing

75. number two.

76. No. I was having a BM.

77. Number two is how babies say it.

78. Okay, I'm sorry. You're right.

79. You're not a baby.

80. You're a big girl!

81. No, I'm not a big girl.

82. I'm your princess.

83. Okay, I understand. I get it.

84. Yeah, okay, Princess.

85. Let's get dressed.

86. Okay.

87. Yesterday she wanted

88. to be a goldfish.

89. That's okay. She'll learn.

90. But I got her into Wellington

91. the number one preschool

92. in the Southland.

93. Man, look at this brochure.

94. Fancy. Look at the kids on here.

95. They even look smart.

96. Just brimming with knowledge.

97. Baby girl going to be on this.

98. You watch and see.

99. I just can't wait

100. until baby girl experience

101. some of this quality teaching.

102. We don't teach.

103. We've replaced the word "teach"

104. with "reach."

105. We reach the children

106. by focusing

107. on what they want to do.

108. Oh, I heard

109. about this.

110. It's child-centric.

111. Exactly.

112. Sound like to me, ma'am

113. that you're letting the kids

114. run the school.

115. Yes.

116. What type of program is that?

117. So you mean to tell me

118. if a person wants to sit

119. in their urine

120. that's what

121. they're going to learn?

122. "Hey, class, Jimmy wants

123. to sit in his urine

124. so we're going to learn

125. urine-sitting."

126. That's crazy.

127. I'm sorry, y'all,

128. I just don't understand.

129. I'm sorry.

130. I just don't understand

131. I mean, what's next?

132. You going to start allowing

133. the boys to wear dresses?

134. Oh, see, we do our best

135. not to stereotype the children

136. into traditional roles.

137. We here at Wellington

138. have always had

139. a gender-neutral policy.

140. Gender neutral?

141. So girls don't have

142. to grow up thinking

143. that they only have

144. to be housewives

145. or subservient to men.

146. I think that's great.

147. You won't find any

148. Wellington girls hanging around

149. waiting for their knight

150. in shining armor.

151. Yes, honey?

152. I'm a princess.

153. I know you're a princess

154. but at school, you got to

155. dress like a little girl.

156. But I'm not a little girl.

157. I'm a princess!

158. Bryana, listen, Uncle Bernie

159. ain't got a lot of time.

160. Now, on Halloween, you can wear

161. anything you want to wear

162. but for the first day

163. of school

164. you got to change.

165. Now, will you do that

166. for Uncle Bernie?

167. Okay.

168. Good.

169. Uncle Bernie?

170. Yes, sweetheart?

171. Will you do my hair?

172. Oh, baby, Uncle Bernie

173. don't know how

174. to do your hair.

175. Hold on.

176. Vanessa, come out here

177. and do baby girl's hair!

178. She asked you. I heard it.

179. Do it yourself.

180. I ain't your damn slave.

181. Please, Uncle Bernie? For me?

182. All right, baby girl.

183. Come on.

184. I'll do the best I can.

185. Go ahead on.

186. Go on in there.

187. Little girl good.

188. Okay. Mm-hmm.

189. How you want

190. your hair, baby?

191. Pretty.

192. Pretty.

193. Okay. Okay,

194. let me see.

195. Where am I?

196. Should I do

197. the back first?

198. I'm going to do

199. the front and

200. then work back.

201. Do I comb it front?

202. All right,

203. let's try that.

204. Let me see.

205. Uncle Bernie?

206. I'm sorry, baby.

207. Uh-oh.

208. You did it.

209. Oh, baby girl,

210. you know what?

211. I'm going to fix you up

212. real nice tomorrow.

213. We ain't got

214. a lot of time now.

215. We got to go, okay?

216. Okay.

217. Good.

218. Uncle Bernie?

219. Yes, baby?

220. I don't look like

221. a princess.

222. You do to me.

223. Always. Hear?

224. Oh, come here.

225. I know it looks raggedy,

226. but she's so cute.

227. She'll be able to pull it off.

228. Plus, she's only five years old.

229. Who she got to impress?

230. I got one down and two to go.

231. Uncle Bernie, I can't go

232. to school today!

233. I don't feel good!

234. I'm not playing, Jordan!

235. I'm not.

236. Go away.

237. It's me.

238. I don't think I'm gonna go

239. to school today.

240. Why? You sick?

241. Nah, I just don't think

242. I'm going.

243. Why? So you can stay

244. home with Bernie Mac?

245. I'm going to school.

246. Yeah, I think I'll start

247. with some wheezing.

248. Then, I'll make myself throw up.

249. Then, I'll just stay in bed

250. and watch TV all day.

251. Maybe I'll eat

252. some of those cookies

253. Uncle Bernie hid from us.

254. Let's go! Let's go!

255. Come on, now!

256. Let's go!

257. Well, good luck.

258. Here comes Bigfoot.

259. Jordan.

260. Get out that doggone bed, man.

261. We got to go.

262. I'm sick today.

263. I'm sick every day,

264. Jordan.

265. Come on, get up.

266. We got to go, man.

267. Maybe we should both stay home

268. and get better.

269. Maybe we should both go

270. to the movies, Jordan, huh?

271. Really?

272. Get out that doggone bed

273. and get up in there, boy!

274. Get up!

275. That boy ain't sick.

276. That boy's stupid.

277. He act like I ain't never tried

278. that trick.

279. If the boy was good,

280. he'd have the chicken pox.

281. Try to use emotion against me.

282. Ha! Ain't gonna work.

283. It's all about discipline, baby.

284. Ha! And America, you can do it,

285. too, baby.

286. Yes, sir.

287. They gonna cry,

288. they gonna whine, they gonna beg

289. try to make you feel guilty.

290. Don't go for it.

291. You got to be strong.

292. That's why that boy going

293. to Catholic school.

294. I'm talking about discipline.

295. Mmm.

296. You wouldn't believe

297. some of the malarkey

298. going around.

299. Some of the schools are peddling

300. this child-centric hooey.

301. If you believe that

302. I got a pot of gold

303. at the end of the

304. rainbow for you.

305. What do you do to

306. encourage a child's

307. self-expression?

308. Doing as you're told is

309. the only expression of the self

310. we're interested in.

311. Amen.

312. That's what I'm talking about.

313. We'll have none of that shouting

314. in here, if you please.

315. I'm sorry.

316. So, you guys... "teach"?

317. Of course we teach.

318. What the hell kind of question

319. is that?

320. I'm sorry, Your Discipline-ship.

321. I am so sorry.

322. Continue.

323. Father Damien...

324. dedicated his life

325. to the lepers

326. on the island of Molokai.

327. No one could

328. understand

329. why he would devote himself

330. to such horrible... wretched...

331. filthy, withered creatures...

332. and I'd like to think

333. that here at Damien

334. we follow his example.

335. Now, don't get me wrong.

336. I'd never compare children

337. to lepers.

338. Oh, no, I'd never do that.

339. The lepers were grateful.

340. This guy kind

341. of scares me.

342. I know.

343. Isn't he great?

344. Jordan!

345. Get up, boy!

346. I'm gonna count to three.

347. Get up!

348. I don't feel good.

349. Feel better. One...

350. But I'm wheezing.

351. Wheeze your butt

352. to the bathroom, boy. Two...

353. I'm gonna throw up!

354. I'm about to throw down.

355. Three!

356. Get your butt on out

357. this doggone bed!

358. Get ready for school.

359. Why you running, Jordan?

360. What you scared of, huh?

361. Jordan... you don't have to

362. be afraid of Father Cronin.

363. Just do your work.

364. No, I'm afraid of him.

365. Who?

366. Jesus?

367. You don't got to

368. be afraid of Jesus.

369. He is a little scary.

370. Wanda, watch what you're saying

371. around the boy.

372. Jesus ain't scary.

373. You know what I mean.

374. Catholics like to show you

375. every detail.

376. Sometimes, they just keep it

377. a little too real for me.

378. No offense, Jesus.

379. I want him

380. to get a good education

381. and God is important,

382. but... I'm not sure

383. we should be shoving religion

384. down his throat.

385. Wanda, can I get some support

386. around here, please?

387. I'm not shoving anything

388. down his throat.

389. Jordan, if I have to come

390. over there and shove it

391. down your throat,

392. brother, I will.

393. Now, eat.

394. I don't want oatmeal!

395. I don't want you

396. fainting in school, man,

397. because you didn't eat.

398. Now, you know you're

399. soft. Eat Jordan.

400. Uncle Bernie?

401. Yes?

402. I think Jordan's

403. gonna throw up.

404. Jordan, you better

405. not be trying to make

406. yourself throw up.

407. I'm not kidding, now.

408. You can do it.

409. Swallow.

410. You're halfway there, Jordan.

411. Look at you. Swallow.

412. You're doing it!

413. Swallow. Swallow.

414. Swallow. Swallow.

415. Swallow. Swallow.

416. Son... you did it!

417. Now, that wasn't so

418. hard, was it, Jordan?

419. Here, wash it down

420. with some juice.

421. There you go, son.

422. I'm proud of you.

423. Strong.

424. You don't know

425. you got it.

426. It's in you.

427. I'm bringing it out of you, son.

428. You can do anything you want

429. to do.

430. You know why?

431. 'Cause you're a Mac.

432. Ha. Don't let nobody tell you

433. different— you're a Mac, boy.

434. Am I right, baby?

435. Ha.

436. What?

437. Uncle Bernie?

438. Mm-hmm?

439. Jordan's throwing up.

440. I ain't gonna make it.

441. Y'all, I ain't gonna make it.

442. Bernie Mac ain't never been late

443. a day in his life.

444. This is my second...

445. second favorite silk shirt.

446. I ain't gonna make it.

447. Didn't I tell you

448. to put your clothes on, Jordan?

449. Come here.

450. Yeah, gotcha!

451. Two down.

452. One to go.

453. Let's go.

454. Ugh. I hate my hair.

455. Vanessa, we got

456. very little time.

457. Whatever you doing,

458. you got to finish it.

459. Come on out, baby.

460. You already

461. missed breakfast.

462. Good.

463. I ain't hungry.

464. Ain't playin', baby.

465. Let's go!

466. Ain't playin', baby.

467. Let's go!

468. Shut up.

469. What did you say in there?

470. Nothing!

471. What did you say in there?

472. Keep on.

473. Keep on talking.

474. Maybe I should

475. shave it all off.

476. What does it matter, anyways?

477. Oh, what does it matter,

478. anyway?

479. It's the teachers that are

480. getting tested nowadays.

481. I mean, you know,

482. it's freakin' upside-down.

483. So, are you saying

484. you don't care

485. if the kids do their homework?

486. No, I'm saying

487. that they don't bother

488. to give it anymore.

489. I mean,

490. what's the point, right?

491. Look, uh...

492. maybe I'm being

493. a little harsh here.

494. There are many kids

495. that are doing very well

496. and many teachers

497. really care

498. but, uh, for

499. the most part

500. everybody tries to not

501. be part of the problem.

502. I hope that helps

503. with your research.

504. My research?

505. Yes. I was told that

506. you were doing research

507. for a part in a movie.

508. Aren't you famous?

509. No— I mean, yes—

510. but we're here

511. to enroll our niece

512. in the school.

513. Oh. Too late for

514. private school?

515. No, actually,

516. she had three interviews

517. but none of them

518. responded to what

519. she had to say.

520. What'd she say?

521. Oh.

522. Welcome to Baja Vista.

523. Now, that wasn't so hard,

524. was it, baby girl?

525. Uncle Bernie said

526. do something and

527. you did it.

528. Let's try it again.

529. Now, grab your school bag

530. and let's

531. hop in the car, honey.

532. One, two— hey, that's all

533. you're taking to school?

534. Could it be that...?

535. Lord...

536. I know

537. you're testing me, right?

538. You send the devil down here

539. to tempt me with evil thoughts.

540. Testing my faith.

541. Thoughts of killing.

542. I-I-I know it ain't right.

543. I ain't letting go.

544. I believe; I do believe.

545. Father...

546. you say you'll never forsake me.

547. Don't forsake me.

548. Give me some peace.

549. Peace.

550. You are not going to be

551. late for school, baby.

552. Who cares? They don't

553. take attendance, anyway.

554. Girl, don't you care

555. about going school, Nessa?

556. What you going to be

557. without education?

558. Maybe I'll be a comedian,

559. like you.

560. Oh, you got it down pat.

561. You so smart.

562. You know, you might

563. as well hold a class...

564. I can't do my hair!

565. Look here, Nessa...

566. it's been a rough morning.

567. I lost two

568. of my favorite shirts.

569. I been covered with hair grease

570. and vomit.

571. I got arthritis

572. in my hands, baby

573. from braiding all those

574. black Barbie dolls' hair.

575. I'm out of high blood pressure

576. medicine.

577. It has not been a good day.

578. Now, I know you want to look

579. good for the first day of school

580. and I understand that

581. and I know you a teenager

582. and you're very sensitive

583. to teenage stuff...

584. I understand that.

585. But Nessa,

586. you got to understand this:

587. your Uncle Bernie loves you,

588. okay?

589. But we got to get moving.

590. Y'all didn't think I could be

591. the bigger man, did you?

592. Nessa?

593. I guess I can live with this.

594. Thank you.

595. See? Girl, I don't know

596. what you was worried about.

597. You look great.

598. Now, come on,

599. we got to go.

600. You can finish doing your hair

601. in the car.

602. What?

603. What'd I say?

604. Black women, you need to get

605. less sensitive

606. about your doggone hair.

607. You're too soft.

608. White women, stop losing weight.

609. Okay, how do you want it?

610. Pretty, like yours.

611. You think

612. my hair's pretty?

613. Yeah.

614. Turn around.

615. I'm the beautiful

616. princess

617. and you're the

618. beautiful queen.

619. Hey, you know what?

620. Why don't you go ahead

621. and put that princess costume

622. back on.

623. I can't.

624. Uncle Bernie

625. won't let me.

626. Well, I told Uncle Bernie

627. it's okay.

628. Let's go! Let's go!

629. We still can make it

630. on time, baby.

631. Let's go!

632. 30 seconds, in the car!

633. Huh?

634. Uncle Bernie, you're still

635. in your pajama bottoms.

636. Oh, my Lord, have mercy.

637. What you laughing at, son?

638. I can see your mule.

639. Why don't you go ahead

640. and get in the car.

641. One minute, one minute—

642. everybody in the car!

643. Told me he can still

644. see my mule.

645. Damn Coke-bottle glasses.

646. Let's go!

647. All right, let's go,

648. Your Highness.

649. Let's go, sweetheart.

650. Let your teacher

651. deal with it.

652. Okay, baby girl.

653. Oh. I can walk by myself.

654. Hey, Nessa

655. thank you for doing

656. baby girl's hair.

657. It looks nice.

658. I know.

659. Hey!

660. Your hair looks nice, too.

661. I'm late.

662. She just evil.

663. All right, come on, my man.

664. Aw, Jordan, man,

665. I know you're scared.

666. Adjustment takes time.

667. Everybody's scared of school

668. at one time or another.

669. Byron!

670. Jordan!

671. Byron?

672. Ain't that—

673. That little faker!

674. Taking me through all of this!

675. I'm going to say it again:

676. Boarding school.

677. Send them away.

678. The further, the better.

679. Europe, Asia, Ethiopia,

680. Jerusalem, Germany—

681. Ah! It's the only way

682. you're going to get peace

683. of mind, baby.

684. Any other solution

685. sends you to prison.

686. I just realized something.

687. I got to do it again

688. tomorrow.

689. Give me some privacy.

690. Captioned by

691. Media Access Group at WGBH

692. White women,

693. stop losing weight!

694. I'm sick of it.

695. Can't say nothing.

696. Oh, fat people—

697. Forget about it.

698. Wh— no.

699. Midgets—

700. ain't gonna say nothing.

701. Probably think little

702. of me.

703. Cut the camera off.

704. Homosex—

705. no, move on.

706. Move on.