The Bernie Mac Show 1x8

Amy Hill as Teacher #2 • Wade Williams as Father Cronin • Garrett Jackman as Byron • Meagen Fay as Teacher

With the kids officially under Bernie's control, it's come time to find them schooling. He enrolls Bryana in a prestigious preschool, Jordan in Catholic school and Vanessa in public junior high. On the first day however, everything that can go wrong, does. With Wanda at work, Bernie is forced to figure everything out for himself. While trying to braid Bryana's hair, he gets hair grease all over his favorite shirt. Jordan fakes being sick and actually forces himself to puke on Bernie's second favorite shirt. Vanessa barricades herself in the bathroom, having ""the worst hair day ever!"" Bernie being Bernie fortunately finds away around all the problems. He fixes Bryana's hair, he foils Jordan's fake illness and he boosts Vanessa's confidence. Not bad for a day's work. If only he didn't ruin his favorite shirts in the process.

Request examples:

!req The Bernie Mac Show 1x8 [02:32]
!req The Bernie Mac Show 1x8 [The Bernie Mac Show 1x8]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Bernie Mac Show 1x8 [10-11]; !req The Bernie Mac Show 1x8 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Captioning sponsored by

2. FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

3. and REGENCY TELEVISION

4. Man, I'm tired.

5. I'm too tired to talk.

6. I'm too tired to eat.

7. I'm too tired...

8. I ain't never that tired.

9. I'm even too tired to laugh.

10. Let me tell you something:

11. Boarding school.

12. Send your kids

13. to boarding school.

14. America, you know those schools

15. that were invented

16. for rich folks

17. who didn't have time

18. for their kids?

19. Man, let me tell you,

20. I used to judge them.

21. I used to think real low

22. of them people.

23. Not anymore.

24. See, now I understand.

25. If you can afford it

26. and you got the opportunity

27. send your kids

28. to boarding school.

29. Shoot, me, I can afford it.

30. I just ain't got

31. the opportunity.

32. Doing real good,

33. tooling all over the place.

34. Got plenty of money.

35. Bernie, wake up.

36. It's time for school.

37. I don't feel like getting up

38. right now, baby.

39. I made the kids' lunches

40. and I fixed a pot of oatmeal.

41. Makes sure

42. that Jordan eats.

43. His blood sugar is low.

44. I picked out a cute outfit

45. for Bryana.

46. I wish I could see her.

47. Come on, Bernie.

48. Don't make them late

49. for their first day.

50. Baby, I got a full half an hour.

51. Ain't nobody going to be late.

52. You wanted to be a daddy?

53. Get to daddying.

54. What's up? Busting loose.

55. Time to do it.

56. Come on, now.

57. All right, let's go. Let's go

58. Let's get up.

59. Jordan, let's get up.

60. Where baby girl at?

61. Come on, Vanessa.

62. I'll bet if I stop feeding you,

63. you have something to say.

64. Come on, now,

65. Jordan, get up!

66. I don't feel good.

67. Jordan, don't even try that.

68. And where the hell

69. is baby girl at?

70. Right here.

71. Hey. Now

72. where were you, baby girl?

73. I was having a BM.

74. A BM?

75. Oh, you mean you were doing

76. number two.

77. No. I was having a BM.

78. Number two is how babies say it.

79. Okay, I'm sorry. You're right.

80. You're not a baby.

81. You're a big girl!

82. No, I'm not a big girl.

83. I'm your princess.

84. Okay, I understand. I get it.

85. Yeah, okay, Princess.

86. Let's get dressed.

87. Okay.

88. Yesterday she wanted

89. to be a goldfish.

90. That's okay. She'll learn.

91. But I got her into Wellington

92. the number one preschool

93. in the Southland.

94. Man, look at this brochure.

95. Fancy. Look at the kids on here.

96. They even look smart.

97. Just brimming with knowledge.

98. Baby girl going to be on this.

99. You watch and see.

100. I just can't wait

101. until baby girl experience

102. some of this quality teaching.

103. We don't teach.

104. We've replaced the word "teach"

105. with "reach."

106. We reach the children

107. by focusing

108. on what they want to do.

109. Oh, I heard

110. about this.

111. It's child-centric.

112. Exactly.

113. Sound like to me, ma'am

114. that you're letting the kids

115. run the school.

116. Yes.

117. What type of program is that?

118. So you mean to tell me

119. if a person wants to sit

120. in their urine

121. that's what

122. they're going to learn?

123. "Hey, class, Jimmy wants

124. to sit in his urine

125. so we're going to learn

126. urine-sitting."

127. That's crazy.

128. I'm sorry, y'all,

129. I just don't understand.

130. I'm sorry.

131. I just don't understand

132. I mean, what's next?

133. You going to start allowing

134. the boys to wear dresses?

135. ( chuckling ):

136. Oh, see, we do our best

137. not to stereotype the children

138. into traditional roles.

139. We here at Wellington

140. have always had

141. a gender-neutral policy.

142. Gender neutral?

143. So girls don't have

144. to grow up thinking

145. that they only have

146. to be housewives

147. or subservient to men.

148. I think that's great.

149. You won't find any

150. Wellington girls hanging around

151. waiting for their knight

152. in shining armor.

153. Yes, honey?

154. I'm a princess.

155. I know you're a princess

156. but at school, you got to

157. dress like a little girl.

158. But I'm not a little girl.

159. I'm a princess!

160. Bryana, listen, Uncle Bernie

161. ain't got a lot of time.

162. Now, on Halloween, you can wear

163. anything you want to wear

164. but for the first day

165. of school

166. you got to change.

167. Now, will you do that

168. for Uncle Bernie?

169. Okay.

170. Good.

171. Uncle Bernie?

172. Yes, sweetheart?

173. Will you do my hair?

174. Oh, baby, Uncle Bernie

175. don't know how

176. to do your hair.

177. Hold on.

178. Vanessa, come out here

179. and do baby girl's hair!

180. She asked you. I heard it.

181. ( quietly ):

182. Do it yourself.

183. I ain't your damn slave.

184. Please, Uncle Bernie? For me?

185. All right, baby girl.

186. Come on.

187. I'll do the best I can.

188. Go ahead on.

189. Go on in there.

190. Little girl good.

191. Okay. Mm-hmm.

192. How you want

193. your hair, baby?

194. Pretty.

195. ( mimicking ):

196. Pretty.

197. Okay. Okay,

198. let me see.

199. Where am I?

200. Should I do

201. the back first?

202. I'm going to do

203. the front and

204. then work back.

205. Do I comb it front?

206. All right,

207. let's try that.

208. Let me see.

209. Uncle Bernie?

210. I'm sorry, baby.

211. Uh-oh.

212. You did it.

213. Oh, baby girl,

214. you know what?

215. I'm going to fix you up

216. real nice tomorrow.

217. We ain't got

218. a lot of time now.

219. We got to go, okay?

220. Okay.

221. Good.

222. Uncle Bernie?

223. Yes, baby?

224. I don't look like

225. a princess.

226. You do to me.

227. Always. Hear?

228. Oh, come here.

229. I know it looks raggedy,

230. but she's so cute.

231. She'll be able to pull it off.

232. Plus, she's only five years old.

233. Who she got to impress?

234. I got one down and two to go.

235. Uncle Bernie, I can't go

236. to school today!

237. I don't feel good!

238. I'm not playing, Jordan!

239. I'm not.

240. Go away.

241. It's me.

242. I don't think I'm gonna go

243. to school today.

244. Why? You sick?

245. Nah, I just don't think

246. I'm going.

247. Why? So you can stay

248. home with Bernie Mac?

249. I'm going to school.

250. Yeah, I think I'll start

251. with some wheezing.

252. Then, I'll make myself throw up.

253. Then, I'll just stay in bed

254. and watch TV all day.

255. Maybe I'll eat

256. some of those cookies

257. Uncle Bernie hid from us.

258. Let's go! Let's go!

259. Come on, now!

260. Let's go!

261. Well, good luck.

262. Here comes Bigfoot.

263. Jordan.

264. Get out that doggone bed, man.

265. We got to go.

266. I'm sick today.

267. I'm sick every day,

268. Jordan.

269. Come on, get up.

270. We got to go, man.

271. Maybe we should both stay home

272. and get better.

273. Maybe we should both go

274. to the movies, Jordan, huh?

275. Really?

276. Get out that doggone bed

277. and get up in there, boy!

278. Get up!

279. That boy ain't sick.

280. That boy's stupid.

281. He act like I ain't never tried

282. that trick.

283. If the boy was good,

284. he'd have the chicken pox.

285. Try to use emotion against me.

286. Ha! Ain't gonna work.

287. It's all about discipline, baby.

288. Ha! And America, you can do it,

289. too, baby.

290. Yes, sir.

291. They gonna cry,

292. they gonna whine, they gonna beg

293. try to make you feel guilty.

294. Don't go for it.

295. You got to be strong.

296. That's why that boy going

297. to Catholic school.

298. I'm talking about discipline.

299. Mmm.

300. ( with Irish accent ):

301. You wouldn't believe

302. some of the malarkey

303. going around.

304. Some of the schools are peddling

305. this child-centric hooey.

306. If you believe that

307. I got a pot of gold

308. at the end of the

309. rainbow for you.

310. What do you do to

311. encourage a child's

312. self-expression?

313. Doing as you're told is

314. the only expression of the self

315. we're interested in.

316. Amen.

317. That's what I'm talking about.

318. We'll have none of that shouting

319. in here, if you please.

320. I'm sorry.

321. So, you guys... "teach"?

322. Of course we teach.

323. What the hell kind of question

324. is that?

325. I'm sorry, Your Discipline-ship.

326. I am so sorry.

327. Continue.

328. Father Damien...

329. dedicated his life

330. to the lepers

331. on the island of Molokai.

332. No one could

333. understand

334. why he would devote himself

335. to such horrible... wretched...

336. filthy, withered creatures...

337. and I'd like to think

338. that here at Damien

339. we follow his example.

340. Now, don't get me wrong.

341. I'd never compare children

342. to lepers.

343. Oh, no, I'd never do that.

344. The lepers were grateful.

345. This guy kind

346. of scares me.

347. I know.

348. Isn't he great?

349. Jordan!

350. Get up, boy!

351. I'm gonna count to three.

352. Get up!

353. I don't feel good.

354. Feel better. One...

355. ( coughing ):

356. But I'm wheezing.

357. Wheeze your butt

358. to the bathroom, boy. Two...

359. I'm gonna throw up!

360. I'm about to throw down.

361. Three!

362. Get your butt on out

363. this doggone bed!

364. Get ready for school.

365. Why you running, Jordan?

366. What you scared of, huh?

367. Jordan... you don't have to

368. be afraid of Father Cronin.

369. Just do your work.

370. No, I'm afraid of him.

371. Who?

372. Jesus?

373. You don't got to

374. be afraid of Jesus.

375. He is a little scary.

376. Wanda, watch what you're saying

377. around the boy.

378. Jesus ain't scary.

379. You know what I mean.

380. Catholics like to show you

381. every detail.

382. Sometimes, they just keep it

383. a little too real for me.

384. No offense, Jesus.

385. I want him

386. to get a good education

387. and God is important,

388. but... I'm not sure

389. we should be shoving religion

390. down his throat.

391. Wanda, can I get some support

392. around here, please?

393. I'm not shoving anything

394. down his throat.

395. Jordan, if I have to come

396. over there and shove it

397. down your throat,

398. brother, I will.

399. Now, eat.

400. ( crying ):

401. I don't want oatmeal!

402. I don't want you

403. fainting in school, man,

404. because you didn't eat.

405. Now, you know you're

406. soft. Eat Jordan.

407. Uncle Bernie?

408. Yes?

409. I think Jordan's

410. gonna throw up.

411. Jordan, you better

412. not be trying to make

413. yourself throw up.

414. I'm not kidding, now.

415. You can do it.

416. Swallow.

417. You're halfway there, Jordan.

418. Look at you. Swallow.

419. You're doing it!

420. Swallow. Swallow.

421. Swallow. Swallow.

422. Swallow. Swallow.

423. Son... you did it!

424. Now, that wasn't so

425. hard, was it, Jordan?

426. Here, wash it down

427. with some juice.

428. There you go, son.

429. I'm proud of you.

430. Strong.

431. You don't know

432. you got it.

433. It's in you.

434. I'm bringing it out of you, son.

435. You can do anything you want

436. to do.

437. You know why?

438. 'Cause you're a Mac.

439. Ha. Don't let nobody tell you

440. different— you're a Mac, boy.

441. ( chuckling ):

442. Am I right, baby?

443. Ha.

444. What?

445. Uncle Bernie?

446. Mm-hmm?

447. Jordan's throwing up.

448. I ain't gonna make it.

449. Y'all, I ain't gonna make it.

450. Bernie Mac ain't never been late

451. a day in his life.

452. This is my second...

453. second favorite silk shirt.

454. I ain't gonna make it.

455. Didn't I tell you

456. to put your clothes on, Jordan?

457. Come here.

458. Yeah, gotcha!

459. Two down.

460. One to go.

461. Let's go.

462. Ugh. I hate my hair.

463. Vanessa, we got

464. very little time.

465. Whatever you doing,

466. you got to finish it.

467. Come on out, baby.

468. You already

469. missed breakfast.

470. Good.

471. I ain't hungry.

472. Ain't playin', baby.

473. Let's go!

474. ( mimicking ):

475. Ain't playin', baby.

476. Let's go!

477. Shut up.

478. What did you say in there?

479. Nothing!

480. ( mimicking ):

481. What did you say in there?

482. Keep on.

483. Keep on talking.

484. Maybe I should

485. shave it all off.

486. What does it matter, anyways?

487. Oh, what does it matter,

488. anyway?

489. It's the teachers that are

490. getting tested nowadays.

491. I mean, you know,

492. it's freakin' upside-down.

493. So, are you saying

494. you don't care

495. if the kids do their homework?

496. No, I'm saying

497. that they don't bother

498. to give it anymore.

499. I mean,

500. what's the point, right?

501. Look, uh...

502. maybe I'm being

503. a little harsh here.

504. There are many kids

505. that are doing very well

506. and many teachers

507. really care

508. but, uh, for

509. the most part

510. everybody tries to not

511. be part of the problem.

512. I hope that helps

513. with your research.

514. My research?

515. Yes. I was told that

516. you were doing research

517. for a part in a movie.

518. Aren't you famous?

519. No— I mean, yes—

520. but we're here

521. to enroll our niece

522. in the school.

523. Oh. Too late for

524. private school?

525. No, actually,

526. she had three interviews

527. but none of them

528. responded to what

529. she had to say.

530. What'd she say?

531. Oh.

532. Welcome to Baja Vista.

533. Now, that wasn't so hard,

534. was it, baby girl?

535. Uncle Bernie said

536. do something and

537. you did it.

538. Let's try it again.

539. Now, grab your school bag

540. and let's

541. hop in the car, honey.

542. One, two— hey, that's all

543. you're taking to school?

544. Could it be that...?

545. Lord...

546. I know

547. you're testing me, right?

548. You send the devil down here

549. to tempt me with evil thoughts.

550. Testing my faith.

551. Thoughts of killing.

552. I-I-I know it ain't right.

553. I ain't letting go.

554. I believe; I do believe.

555. Father...

556. you say you'll never forsake me.

557. Don't forsake me.

558. Give me some peace.

559. Peace.

560. You are not going to be

561. late for school, baby.

562. Who cares? They don't

563. take attendance, anyway.

564. Girl, don't you care

565. about going school, Nessa?

566. What you going to be

567. without education?

568. Maybe I'll be a comedian,

569. like you.

570. Oh, you got it down pat.

571. You so smart.

572. You know, you might

573. as well hold a class...

574. I can't do my hair!

575. Look here, Nessa...

576. it's been a rough morning.

577. I lost two

578. of my favorite shirts.

579. I been covered with hair grease

580. and vomit.

581. I got arthritis

582. in my hands, baby

583. from braiding all those

584. black Barbie dolls' hair.

585. I'm out of high blood pressure

586. medicine.

587. It has not been a good day.

588. Now, I know you want to look

589. good for the first day of school

590. and I understand that

591. and I know you a teenager

592. and you're very sensitive

593. to teenage stuff...

594. I understand that.

595. But Nessa,

596. you got to understand this:

597. your Uncle Bernie loves you,

598. okay?

599. But we got to get moving.

600. Y'all didn't think I could be

601. the bigger man, did you?

602. Nessa?

603. I guess I can live with this.

604. Thank you.

605. See? Girl, I don't know

606. what you was worried about.

607. You look great.

608. Now, come on,

609. we got to go.

610. You can finish doing your hair

611. in the car.

612. What?

613. What'd I say?

614. Black women, you need to get

615. less sensitive

616. about your doggone hair.

617. You're too soft.

618. White women, stop losing weight.

619. Okay, how do you want it?

620. Pretty, like yours.

621. You think

622. my hair's pretty?

623. Yeah.

624. Turn around.

625. I'm the beautiful

626. princess

627. and you're the

628. beautiful queen.

629. Hey, you know what?

630. Why don't you go ahead

631. and put that princess costume

632. back on.

633. I can't.

634. Uncle Bernie

635. won't let me.

636. Well, I told Uncle Bernie

637. it's okay.

638. Let's go! Let's go!

639. We still can make it

640. on time, baby.

641. Let's go!

642. 30 seconds, in the car!

643. Huh?

644. Uncle Bernie, you're still

645. in your pajama bottoms.

646. Oh, my Lord, have mercy.

647. What you laughing at, son?

648. I can see your mule.

649. Why don't you go ahead

650. and get in the car.

651. One minute, one minute—

652. everybody in the car!

653. Told me he can still

654. see my mule.

655. Damn Coke-bottle glasses.

656. Let's go!

657. All right, let's go,

658. Your Highness.

659. Let's go, sweetheart.

660. Let your teacher

661. deal with it.

662. Okay, baby girl.

663. Oh. I can walk by myself.

664. Hey, Nessa

665. thank you for doing

666. baby girl's hair.

667. It looks nice.

668. I know.

669. Hey!

670. Your hair looks nice, too.

671. I'm late.

672. She just evil.

673. All right, come on, my man.

674. Aw, Jordan, man,

675. I know you're scared.

676. Adjustment takes time.

677. Everybody's scared of school

678. at one time or another.

679. Byron!

680. Jordan!

681. Byron?

682. Ain't that—

683. That little faker!

684. Taking me through all of this!

685. I'm going to say it again:

686. Boarding school.

687. Send them away.

688. The further, the better.

689. Europe, Asia, Ethiopia,

690. Jerusalem, Germany—

691. Ah! It's the only way

692. you're going to get peace

693. of mind, baby.

694. Any other solution

695. sends you to prison.

696. I just realized something.

697. I got to do it again

698. tomorrow.

699. Give me some privacy.

700. Captioned by

701. Media Access Group at WGBH

702. White women,

703. stop losing weight!

704. I'm sick of it.

705. Can't say nothing.

706. Oh, fat people—

707. Forget about it.

708. Wh— no.

709. Midgets—

710. ain't gonna say nothing.

711. Probably think little

712. of me.

713. Cut the camera off.

714. Homosex—

715. no, move on.

716. Move on.