The Bernie Mac Show 1x5

Directed by Stan Lathan

Richard Lawson as Bishop • A. Russell Andrews as Deacon • Reginald Ballard as W.B. • Lombardo Boyar as Chuy • Michael Ralph as Kelly

Bernie and Wanda bring the kids to church to discipline them, but Bernie ends up being the immature one. Later on, the Bishop and Deacon show up at Bernie's house during his poker night and suggest that Bernie allow them to use his house for bible study.

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1. Yes, I'm smiling.

2. It's a good day.

3. It's Sunday.

4. And it's Bernie Mac day.

5. And every kid in this house

6. knows Bernie Mac day.

7. And that means you can't

8. look at me, you can't touch me,

9. you can't talk to me and you

10. better not breathe around me.

11. Uncle Bernie, Jordan won't—

12. Oops, I forgot.

13. It's Bernie Mac's day.

14. Bernie Mac's day.

15. Now hold on.

16. Let me tell you something.

17. I give them kids

18. six days out of the week.

19. It's only fair that I have one.

20. Now, the Lord even said

21. we should rest on the seventh.

22. Now, I'm not

23. saying I'm the Lord,

24. but I will put forth

25. a mighty vengeance...

26. if I'm disobeyed.

27. I love mac and cheese.

28. You got

29. what you wanted, son.

30. What's that?

31. What's that?

32. My Bernie Mac day cereal.

33. Okay. That you picked out.

34. That's the way it works.

35. It's tradition.

36. On every Bernie Mac day eve,

37. I let them pick out

38. whatever they want.

39. From cereal, sugar, toys,

40. cookies, ice cream.

41. I got 'em

42. push-ups, roll-ups.

43. I don't care if they throw up.

44. Just don't bother me

45. on Bernie Mac day.

46. He said he still has some bad

47. blood that he wants to settle.

48. Stop playing with that toilet.

49. That toilet is not

50. made for playing.

51. Help me. Help me.

52. Commence...

53. underwater...

54. rescue!

55. Aw, come on.

56. Come on!

57. Where you going,

58. baby girl?

59. Nessa, I know you hear me.

60. Where you going?

61. I can't talk to you.

62. It's Bernie Mac day.

63. You can't

64. initiate conversation.

65. But you can answer

66. a direct question.

67. Addendum to the rule.

68. Article nine,

69. subsection "C."

70. Let's try it again now, baby.

71. Where you going?

72. - Michelle's.

73. - Michelle?

74. - I thought you said

75. she moved out of town.

76. - All right. Fine. Paula's.

77. You just gonna

78. sit there and tell me

79. a lie like that, right?

80. A bold-faced lie

81. like that, huh, Nessa?

82. If you don't want me to lie,

83. don't talk to me.

84. You know what?

85. Let me tell you something.

86. If I'd have ever

87. talked to Big Mama

88. the way you talk to me,

89. she'd have knocked me up

90. to kingdom come.

91. Kingdom come?

92. Is that near child services?

93. - God! I don't know

94. what to say.

95. Major malfunction.

96. I told y'all

97. about playing with

98. that doggone toilet.

99. S-Stay right there.

100. We're not done.

101. We're not done.

102. Boy, you begged me

103. for those army men.

104. Ha-heh.

105. And you got

106. all that hair in there.

107. Ruined my Bernie Mac day.

108. Bernie, don't you think

109. you're being a little dramatic?

110. Nope. They lie. They don't know

111. right from wrong, Wanda.

112. They're heathens.

113. They're kids.

114. We're busy.

115. - Did you hear what I said?

116. - Can I have my army men back?

117. You just not listening.

118. Didn't I tell you to get out?

119. You see that? Y-You see

120. what I'm talking about?

121. You see what

122. I'm talking about.

123. They couldn't have got away with

124. that when Big Mama was around.

125. You can't tell me that.

126. Right. You're right.

127. Man, baby, let me

128. tell you something.

129. Big Mama had two things

130. that kept us in line.

131. That was church and whuppings.

132. Church and whuppings.

133. Well, you can't

134. whup those kids.

135. It's just been

136. a bad Bernie Mac day

137. all the way around.

138. Your Aunt Wanda and I

139. have decided...

140. that you kids

141. need to get churched.

142. Churched?

143. Is that like

144. a whuppin'?

145. No, it's like

146. bad English.

147. Now, see? Like that.

148. Talking back.

149. You don't see

150. nothing wrong with that.

151. See, you kids gotta learn.

152. Y'all gotta get

153. the fear of God in you!

154. Honor thy mother

155. and thy father... figure.

156. So next Sunday—

157. We're all gonna

158. spend it in church.

159. But what about

160. Bernie Mac day?

161. - We'll spend it in church.

162. - Don't the Bears play

163. the Raiders next Sunday?

164. - You sure?

165. - Mm-hmm.

166. - I thought they had a bye.

167. - Uh, no.

168. You must be thinking

169. of the Vikings.

170. They have a bye next week.

171. Well, they just gonna

172. have to play without us.

173. 'Cause next Sunday,

174. we're gonna give our day

175. to the Lord.

176. We're going to church.

177. Church!

178. Holy! Holy, I said.

179. Come on, now.

180. Come on. Come on.

181. Come on, baby.

182. Baby, come on.

183. Stand up.

184. Come on, now.

185. Stand up, baby.

186. Ain't this nice?

187. This is real nice.

188. Uncle Bernie?

189. Shh! No talking in church.

190. - What if I have to

191. use the bathroom?

192. - You can hold it for an hour.

193. A whole hour?

194. You mean to tell me you can't

195. hold your urine for God?

196. Do it for the Lord, Jordan.

197. All right.

198. Good boy. Good.

199. Come on. Sit down.

200. Get up. Get up. Get up.

201. Sit down.

202. Get up. Get up.

203. Get up. Get up.

204. Stand back up.

205. Stand back up.

206. Baby, stand back up.

207. And you're visiting us

208. from where?

209. Church of the Lord in, uh,

210. Tyler, Texas,

211. where the Reverend

212. Joe McQueen presides.

213. Praise God.

214. Praise God.

215. Welcome to First Faithful.

216. Thank you.

217. Alleluia.

218. Glory be to God.

219. Are there

220. any other visitors?

221. We're visitors!

222. Uh, yes, uh—

223. First, I'd like to say,

224. uh, giving honor...

225. to God, Bishop,

226. members and friends.

227. Uh, my name is

228. Bernie Mac and this is

229. my lovely wife, Wanda,

230. and we're taking care

231. of my sister's kids.

232. And my wife and I have

233. decided that we want to

234. try to get the fear of—

235. I mean,

236. the love of God—

237. Amen.

238. Amen.

239. into these children.

240. Because every child

241. need the Lord.

242. Did I say it right?

243. Well, Mr. Mac.

244. Yes, sir.

245. - Everyone needs the Lord.

246. - Needs the Lord!

247. He's one of

248. the original kings.

249. Oh, the original kings?

250. Well, that's a mighty

251. high claim, Your Majesty.

252. It's just a name, Bishop,

253. to sell tickets.

254. That's all it is.

255. Oh, did you sell

256. a lot of tickets?

257. Yes, sir.

258. Praise God.

259. And so you had

260. a big audience?

261. Thousands of people?

262. Would you call that

263. a multitude?

264. No, sir, Bishop.

265. I wouldn't call it a multitude.

266. But, uh, we was

267. all up in there.

268. Yeah! And while you

269. "was all up in there,"

270. did you feed that multitude

271. with two fish and five loaves

272. of bread?

273. - I don't think so!

274. You see, there's only

275. one original king.

276. And his name is what?

277. - Jesus.

278. - Tell him!

279. Jesus!

280. Welcome to First Faithful.

281. The ushers will now lead

282. the children under five

283. to the assembly hall.

284. I don't wanna go.

285. Hey!

286. What's going on?

287. Oh, we always do this

288. about halfway through

289. the service.

290. - Halfway?

291. - Halfway?

292. Take me with you,

293. baby girl. Baby girl.

294. - Uncle Bernie. Let go.

295. - Bernie Mac.

296. Ouch! Why you give me

297. that Big Mama pinch for?

298. 'Cause you are acting

299. like a fool up in here.

300. It's taking too doggone long.

301. Black churches,

302. make up your mind!

303. I gotta get outta here.

304. Verses one and two.

305. Nessa, I left

306. my Bible in the car.

307. Let me slide by you

308. right quick.

309. Excuse me.

310. Oh, I'll get it.

311. I'll get it. It's cool.

312. Here you go.

313. It is good to proclaim.

314. What make you so helpful today?

315. I'm filled with

316. the Holy Ghost.

317. Forgive me, Big Mama— heh—

318. for what I'm about to do.

319. Heh. I'm about

320. to bust a move!

321. - Bop.

322. - Pshew!

323. Gone. Split. See ya.

324. Wet yourself.

325. Wet yourself.

326. What are you talking about,

327. Uncle Bernie?

328. I want you to use

329. the gift God gave you.

330. Start wheezing and coughing.

331. You know that

332. you can do it.

333. Is there a problem?

334. Yes, sir. My nephew,

335. he has to use the bathroom.

336. I don't wanna

337. interrupt the service so—

338. Not a problem.

339. I'll take him.

340. No, no.

341. I'll take him.

342. No, no.

343. You just stay there

344. and enjoy the Word.

345. Stop it, Bernie Mac. You are

346. making a spectacle of yourself.

347. I'm not making—

348. You are.

349. We will be home soon.

350. When is soon, baby?

351. I gotta get outta here.

352. I can't take it.

353. I'm sorry, Big Mama.

354. I gotta get out of here.

355. Why didn't you

356. just leave with Vanessa?

357. What, Vanes—

358. Why she didn't

359. take me with her?

360. You know she don't like you.

361. She acts like she hate me.

362. I could've left her

363. with my sister. I took—

364. Shh.

365. Cut it out. Just listen

366. to the preacher.

367. Acting worse

368. than the kids.

369. Shh!

370. Bernie.

371. Bernie Mac, wake up.

372. You fell asleep.

373. You're missing everything.

374. Come on, now,

375. brothers and sisters.

376. All I need is just

377. one more soul to save today!

378. And then we can all go home.

379. Thank you, Lord.

380. Just one.

381. He said if

382. he save one more soul

383. we can go home?

384. Mm-hmm.

385. Just one?

386. Yes! Yes!

387. Praise God!

388. Praise God!

389. Alleluia!

390. I'm saved, Wanda!

391. I'm saved.

392. I'm saved. I'm saved.

393. Yes!

394. Yes.

395. Oh, it's a wonderful day.

396. Isn't it?

397. Thank you, Jesus.

398. Well, that's our service

399. for today.

400. You all will follow me

401. in a minute.

402. New member orientation

403. shouldn't take more than

404. a few hours.

405. But I'm feeling the Spirit today

406. so don't hold me to it. Amen.

407. And for the rest of you,

408. I'll see you next week.

409. Have a blessed one.

410. Yes, sir.

411. Yes, sir.

412. God bless you.

413. Welcome.

414. Welcome to the church.

415. God bless you.

416. Handle that. Huh?

417. The Lord giveth

418. and Bernie Mac taketh.

419. Oh, man.

420. Bernie win everything.

421. God must be letting you win.

422. That's the only way he can

423. get you back in church.

424. I ain't never going back

425. in that church. I don't care

426. if Moses's speaking.

427. I ain't never— That was

428. the most boring church—

429. Uncle Bernie.

430. Uncle Bernie.

431. Yeah, baby—

432. Bishop, Bishop.

433. Hey, Brother Bernie.

434. How you doing?

435. I'm, uh—

436. Well, this is Deacon Willis.

437. And we just wanted to stop by...

438. and personally welcome you

439. to the First Faithful family.

440. First Faithful family.

441. Now, if this is not a good time,

442. we can always come back.

443. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

444. Y'all-Y'all are family.

445. Come on in.

446. Oh, well,

447. God bless you.

448. Amen.

449. Amen.

450. Uh, here.

451. I kind of

452. missed last Sunday.

453. And, uh, a couple

454. Sundays before that.

455. Amen, brother.

456. In Jesus' name.

457. - Why don't y'all

458. pull up a seat?

459. - Uh, yeah, yeah.

460. Well, no. We really

461. gotta go, but, uh—

462. Well, if you insist.

463. Yeah, yeah. Sit down.

464. Bernie don't mind. Right?

465. I guess not. Let me, uh,

466. put my cigar out.

467. Oh, no, no. No, you go on

468. and enjoy your cigar.

469. See, God wants us

470. to have pleasures.

471. Amen.

472. Lord, bless him.

473. And relieve him of that

474. evil tobacco demon.

475. Evil demon!

476. Amen.

477. Amen.

478. Amen.

479. Amen.

480. Amen.

481. Well, you, uh,

482. mind if we join you?

483. Well, uh,

484. we playing poker.

485. Mm.

486. Well, we know

487. how to play poker.

488. Just 'cause we men of the cloth,

489. don't mean that we ain't men.

490. Still men!

491. Still men.

492. Join in, dog.

493. Hey, all right.

494. Now, y'all-y'all-y'all

495. ain't-ain't-ain't playing

496. for money, are you?

497. Uh, a little pocket change.

498. That's all.

499. Mm, mm, mm.

500. Mm, mm, mm.

501. Well, I'm not here to judge

502. what you did before.

503. Amen.

504. But the rest of this night,

505. why don't we just move...

506. Bishop, Bishop, Bishop.

507. these chips aside and play

508. for the glory of the Lord.

509. Glory of the Lord.

510. Glory of the Lord.

511. Amen!

512. Hello?

513. No, Bishop, I won't be able

514. to cut the homeless hair

515. this morning. I'm sorry.

516. What they need

517. a haircut for anyway?

518. They're homeless.

519. If I cut their hair,

520. they'll lose their strength.

521. What? B—

522. You really getting on my nerve,

523. in the name of the Lord.

524. You really are.

525. Look, Bishop,

526. I gotta take a leak.

527. - What?

528. - As-salaam alaikum.

529. I mean, praise the Lord.

530. These people just

531. don't leave you alone.

532. I thought church

533. ended on Sunday.

534. They got it leaking

535. through the rest of the week.

536. Don't get me wrong.

537. There's nothing I'd rather have

538. than a long-term commitment

539. with the Lord at any church.

540. But this church?

541. I'd rather have

542. a one-night stand.

543. Now understand something.

544. I know the Lord got

545. soldiers working for him,

546. but for some reason,

547. I feel like they just

548. attacking me.

549. Excuse me.

550. Bernie Mac.

551. Yes.

552. We saw you get saved

553. at First Faithful.

554. Alleluia.

555. Yeah. We're sure proud of you.

556. You're sure enough blessed.

557. Thank you.

558. We're hoping the Lord will

559. bless us with a car one day.

560. Amen.

561. - He will.

562. - Pray for us.

563. - For sure.

564. - Doesn't have to be

565. as nice as this though.

566. - Long as it's nice, huh?

567. - Yeah.

568. I'm sure you're right.

569. Could she just get

570. a bit of air-conditioning?

571. You never know when

572. that bus is gonna come.

573. Yes, ma'am. Let me turn it

574. on max for you, okay?

575. How's that?

576. Uh, listen, how far

577. are you all going?

578. God will bless you

579. real good, Bernie Mac.

580. Get in.

581. Thank you.

582. Thank you.

583. I just—

584. Nessa, Nessa,

585. Nessa, Nessa.

586. Don't answer the door.

587. Why?

588. It's the bishop.

589. The bishop.

590. That's why. Look here.

591. I'm going to the den.

592. Tell them I'm busy.

593. Okay?

594. You want me to lie?

595. No, I don't want you to lie.

596. Just tell them I'm not in.

597. So, you're hiding?

598. Ain't nobody hiding. Every

599. time I ask you to do

600. something, you can't do it.

601. You act like

602. I'm a cell mate.

603. I'm your blood.

604. Just do it.

605. Okay, but...

606. what would Jesus do?

607. Jesus ain't got

608. nothing to do with this.

609. Go to your room, Nessa.

610. Always gotta bring

611. the Lord in it.

612. Hey.

613. Brother Bernie.

614. Bishop, Bishop, Bishop.

615. Yes, sir.

616. Brother Bernie.

617. Deac.

618. How ya doing?

619. Y'all bring

620. the choir with you?

621. So, uh,

622. how you all doing?

623. Wonderful.

624. Just fine. Just fine.

625. Listen. Forgive us

626. for intruding like this,

627. but the last time

628. we was here, we couldn't help

629. but notice how much...

630. space you've got.

631. God has blessed you

632. with a beautiful home.

633. Beautiful home.

634. Well, uh, also, I've

635. saved my money, Bishop,

636. and I've worked hard

637. over the last

638. past year or so.

639. That goes without saying.

640. Well, I just thought

641. I'd say it anyway.

642. Brother Mac.

643. Yeah?

644. We felt that, uh,

645. since you have

646. all these blessings,

647. that the best way

648. for a baby Christian

649. like yourself...

650. to evolve into the fold...

651. is to invite the fold

652. to your house on Thursday night

653. for Bible study,

654. which used to be

655. your poker night.

656. - Used to be.

657. - Amen.

658. Amen.

659. Mm-mmm.

660. I'm sorry.

661. What am I supposed to do?

662. Y'all see this relationship

663. ain't working for me.

664. If I wait too long,

665. stuff's gonna get messy,

666. feelings are gonna get hurt,

667. might be name-calling.

668. No, uh-uh. That's it.

669. Only thing—

670. clean break.

671. You're smothering me.

672. Smothering me.

673. But I-I thought everything

674. was-was going so well.

675. Uh, is it another church?

676. Lord.

677. I didn't want to say it

678. in front of the children.

679. Mm.

680. No.

681. Yeah.

682. It's okay. It's okay.

683. I just hope we can

684. still see each other.

685. A-As friends... in Christ.

686. I'll call you.

687. He ain't gonna call.

688. Bernie Mac day

689. I'm ready for church,

690. Uncle Bernie.

691. Oh, baby girl,

692. I forgot to tell you.

693. We're not going

694. to church today.

695. But, Uncle Bernie,

696. won't God be mad at us?

697. Well, see, um—

698. Look, um—

699. I can't lie to you, baby.

700. Church is too long

701. for Uncle Bernie.

702. But, Uncle Bernie,

703. don't we love God?

704. See, the thing is

705. it's not about God.

706. It's just,

707. the service takes forever.

708. You know, if I knew

709. a church that had shorter time

710. and go half that length,

711. baby, I would take you

712. to church right now.

713. Right now.

714. You know what?

715. Catholic Mass

716. is only one hour.

717. - Really?

718. - Really?

719. I'll get the car keys.

720. Go on. Get dressed.

721. Oh. Oh, baby.

722. It wasn't that bad.

723. Uncle Bernie,

724. you were right.

725. We learned so much

726. in Sunday school.

727. Oh, son.

728. Uncle Bernie, I'm sorry

729. I talked back to you.

730. My ignorant child.

731. Uncle Bernie,

732. I love you.

733. This is what it's all about.

734. Bernie Mac—

735. Bernie.

736. Bernie Mac, wake up.