The Bernie Mac Show 1x4

1. [Captioning sponsored by

2. FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

3. and REGENCY TELEVISION]

4. Hello, there, and good evening.

5. How y'all doing?

6. Because I'm fine,

7. thanks for asking.

8. Everything is going good

9. with the kids.

10. Listen, I'm not going

11. to even front.

12. Everything is great.

13. I am the glue that holds

14. the family together.

15. Y'all know the story.

16. Y'all know about my sister

17. had a little problem with drugs.

18. I'm taking care of her kids

19. till she get herself together.

20. Y'all know about it.

21. Ain't no big secret.

22. Now, I bet y'all thought

23. those crumb-snatchers

24. were going to run

25. all over me by now.

26. Well, you were wrong.

27. What? You don't believe me?

28. Check it out.

29. Stop looking at me

30. and check it out!

31. Here you go, baby girl.

32. Uncle Bernie,

33. where's my backpack?

34. On the kitchen

35. table, son

36. and your lunch

37. right next to it.

38. I got you, I got you.

39. Did you remember my apple?

40. Baby, it's cut,

41. quartered

42. and Ziploced,

43. right there.

44. Uncle Bernie, you forgot

45. to refill my asthma medicine.

46. Uh-uh— your ear

47. cream is inside, too.

48. You got to apply it

49. twice a day.

50. Aw, it smells funny.

51. Ain't nobody going to

52. smell your ear, boy.

53. Here, sweetie.

54. It's pizza day.

55. I'll need another dollar.

56. It's taco day,

57. senorita— taco day.

58. Try to get the Mac man.

59. Adios, amigos!

60. I got this.

61. Hey, baby.

62. Hey, baby.

63. You want some breakfast?

64. Oh, honey,

65. I don't have time.

66. Oh, I set up a play date

67. for Jordan this afternoon.

68. A play date?

69. Yeah. It's Cameron,

70. my senior VP's son.

71. Why are you

72. just now telling me?

73. I'm sorry, baby.

74. I've just been

75. so busy with work.

76. You mess with my plans.

77. Did you have

78. something planned?

79. Yes, I had

80. something planned.

81. I planned on

82. going with the flow

83. and a play date

84. messes with my flow

85. and you clogging up

86. my flow, you know?

87. Oh.

88. Oh.

89. Just for me?

90. It ain't that easy, baby.

91. I know, baby.

92. Jordan, I want

93. you and Cameron

94. either to play

95. in your room or outside

96. 'cause I cleaned this

97. whole house up today

98. and I don't want y'all

99. running in and out

100. like maniacs, okay?

101. Okay.

102. Hi, Bernie. I'm Tracy,

103. and this is Cameron.

104. Hi, Cameron.

105. Get your finger

106. out of your nose.

107. Hi, I'm Carrie.

108. Allison, we do not

109. throw plums.

110. That's Allison— she's mine—

111. and this is Joy

112. Brian, Randy,

113. Jeff and Teri.

114. Oh, Lord.

115. Brian and Joy belong to Renee.

116. Inside voices!

117. Inside voices!

118. Please tell me

119. you have Valium.

120. Uh...

121. Hi.

122. Hi. Tracy, listen,

123. Wanda just told me

124. that Cameron was

125. coming by hisself.

126. Oh, no, no. I told Wanda

127. I was bringing the whole gang.

128. I'm really sorry.

129. That's okay; she

130. just didn't tell me.

131. That's all right.

132. My husband does that to me

133. all the time.

134. Did she at least tell you

135. about the company picnic

136. this Saturday?

137. Company picnic?

138. Uh-huh— same thing.

139. What am I going to do

140. with a house full of women?

141. I'm a man!

142. Bernie Mac's a man's man!

143. Oh, what a gorgeous

144. crystal bowl!

145. Hey! Don't touch...!

146. I'll be right back.

147. I love, love this house.

148. Wanda's got such

149. impeccable taste.

150. Actually, sweetheart,

151. I designed all of this.

152. What? Get out!

153. No, no, I did, I did.

154. I picked out the tile,

155. the cabinets

156. the whole nine yards—

157. everything.

158. Ha-ha! I forgot

159. you're a comedian.

160. He's pulling our leg.

161. Ha-ha! "Picked out

162. the tile"-- hilarious.

163. I'm serious!

164. Come here, come here,

165. look at this.

166. You see this?

167. I know a cat downtown,

168. about this high.

169. This guy speaks

170. no English.

171. You come in,

172. you show him what you got

173. he'll make it for you.

174. Designer look,

175. Target prices.

176. No.

177. No.

178. Yeah, I'm serious,

179. and you know what,

180. it gets better.

181. Want to see

182. the rest of the house?

183. My God, yes.

184. Come on.

185. I just didn't want

186. boring terra cotta in here.

187. I needed more color,

188. so I went with

189. the Santa Fe feel.

190. More old school

191. to offset the new school.

192. My husband wouldn't

193. know terra cotta

194. if it hit him

195. in the face.

196. Wow!

197. I used to draw

198. when I was a little boy.

199. Now, this room,

200. this is my favorite

201. 'cause I like the colors.

202. I wanted something

203. real different

204. you know what I mean?

205. Uncle Bernie, we need food!

206. Excuse me?

207. Please?

208. All right, I'll whip you cats up

209. something to eat.

210. Oh, no, no. we'll feed the

211. kids when we get them home.

212. No, no, it's no problem.

213. Y'all like quesadillas?

214. You're just going to

215. whip up quesadillas?

216. I sure will.

217. Uncle Bernie has

218. to give me soy cheese

219. because regular cheese

220. gives me diarrhea.

221. Aw, that is so thoughtful.

222. No, actually,

223. I do it for myself.

224. Baby girl, she's little,

225. but she's deadly.

226. All right...

227. Come on, ladies,

228. what you think?

229. Fabulous.

230. It's really good.

231. What's your secret?

232. Well, it's an

233. old family recipe

234. and if I tell you,

235. I got to kill you.

236. Good afternoon, Vanessa.

237. Hey.

238. Teenagers—

239. would it kill them

240. to be civil?

241. I've got two

242. and I'll be honest,

243. sometimes I just want to...

244. Bust their head till

245. the white meat shows.

246. That's great!

247. Can I use that?

248. You sure can.

249. Bust their head

250. till the white meat shows.

251. Oh, yeah.

252. If that don't work,

253. hit them in the throat.

254. No, don't really hit

255. them in the throat.

256. Beat them in their sleep.

257. Kick... pow!

258. Kick them that

259. extra point. Good!

260. Ladies, I just don't

261. know how to describe it.

262. It was peace.

263. I mean serene peace.

264. My heart just fell wide open.

265. My soul was laid bare,

266. and ladies, I knew—

267. I swear to God I knew—

268. I found my wife.

269. I knew I was in love.

270. Another margarita?

271. Oh.

272. Yeah.

273. No more.

274. I'm having a great time

275. with y'all today.

276. I really am.

277. You wouldn't

278. believe my day!

279. Oh, hey!

280. You have got

281. the greatest husband.

282. Really, he is

283. quite the man.

284. Thank you.

285. I know.

286. Baby, I'm famished.

287. Oh, did I tell you

288. the whole gang was coming today?

289. No kidding?

290. Honey, if you weren't

291. going to cook

292. you should have called.

293. I would have

294. picked something up.

295. Just like my husband.

296. Later.

297. See you.

298. See you at the picnic.

299. Honey, did I tell you

300. about the picnic?

301. I don't know. Did you?

302. Can we go?

303. Flubber leg is on.

304. Can we still go?

305. Yeah, I want to go.

306. Oh, I see the guys

307. from my division.

308. Honey, you sure

309. you got the kids?

310. I got them— go ahead.

311. Do your thing.

312. Tie your shoe up, son.

313. Hey, there's Cameron!

314. I'm going to go play.

315. Go ahead, go ahead.

316. Stay where

317. I can see you, Jordan!

318. And don't go past

319. the trash can!

320. And don't play

321. in the trash can!

322. I need your keys.

323. I'm going to wait

324. in the car.

325. Oh, no, you're going

326. to stay right here

327. pretend you're

328. having a good time, baby.

329. Hey, don't you

330. go to Baja Vista?

331. All right,

332. I guess I'll stay.

333. Yeah, all right.

334. Hey, Bernie! Over here!

335. Hey, hey!

336. Bust your head

337. till the white meat shows!

338. Y'all been drinking without me?

339. Thank you, baby.

340. When are we

341. getting together again?

342. You make the call—

343. just give me notice

344. I'll send the kids

345. to the pound.

346. Put them to sleep.

347. Mm-mm,

348. that's your last one.

349. You done had enough, girl.

350. I'll take that.

351. Bernie! Hey, Tracy.

352. Hey, baby.

353. Hey, how you doing?

354. This is Marshall,

355. my boss.

356. This is Greg,

357. I'm his boss

358. and David; we're up

359. for the same job.

360. What's up, David?

361. So, I finally

362. get to meet

363. the man behind

364. this great lady.

365. Aw... I wouldn't say

366. behind nobody, man.

367. I think me and her

368. are more side by side.

369. Now, if she want me

370. to get behind, I'll get behind.

371. Drop it like it's hot.

372. Bernie, that's my boss.

373. Yeah.

374. So, Bernie...

375. I understand that

376. you're a stay-at-home dad.

377. I have to tell you,

378. I really admire that.

379. I ain't no stay-at-home dad.

380. Now, my kids,

381. they stay-at-home kids

382. 'cause I let them

383. stay at home, get it?

384. I see. Yeah, Wanda told me

385. that you're a comedian.

386. Well, I think

387. that's just great.

388. You know, I wish my Tracy

389. had an outlet like that.

390. I don't really have an outlet;

391. I got a successful career.

392. Uh-huh.

393. Listen, you want to talk

394. about career, my friend?

395. Your wife is on

396. the fast track—

397. oh, yeah.

398. If she keeps going

399. the way she's going

400. you'll be able to

401. give up this whole

402. stand-up comedy thing

403. and you know, stay home.

404. Be a stay-home dad, huh?

405. You think so?

406. Yeah!

407. You got it figured out?

408. Sure!

409. You might be right,

410. you might be right.

411. Look, I'm going

412. to get me some beef.

413. Let y'all talk. Okay?

414. Stay-at-home dad,

415. right over there.

416. What's going on here, America?

417. Bernie Mac ain't no

418. apron-wearing, stay-at-home

419. Betty Crocker-baking,

420. Susie homemaker...

421. What the hell is this?

422. Who been eating Cheetos

423. in my chair?

424. I just cleaned

425. this whole doggone place...

426. Hold on, hold on,

427. hold on, now, hold on.

428. This don't make me less of a man

429. because I like things neat

430. and tidy, America, no, it don't.

431. Y'all getting the wrong

432. impression about Bernie Mac.

433. Y'all not seeing the real me.

434. Stop, Bryana, stop!

435. Yeah, Mrs. Bailey gives

436. way too much homework.

437. I know, and

438. why does she wear

439. the same blue dress

440. every day?

441. Yeah.

442. Hey, are you going to go to

443. the '70s dance tomorrow night?

444. I don't know, maybe.

445. Come on,

446. you have to be there.

447. All right,

448. I'm going as Superfly.

449. I got the hat,

450. the long coat, everything.

451. Who you coming as?

452. It's a surprise.

453. Surprise?

454. Okay. All right.

455. I'll find you.

456. You are coming, right?

457. Yeah.

458. It's not an outlet, man.

459. You don't know nothing

460. about me, man.

461. You people out here in L.A.,

462. they're crazy.

463. Excuse me, Mr. Mac?

464. Yes.

465. I overheard you

466. talking to the guys

467. and I just want to say

468. thank you.

469. For what?

470. For sticking up for us

471. stay-at-home dads.

472. Those men over there,

473. they just don't get it.

474. See, they go to offices,

475. but we go to work

476. and I'm not ashamed to say

477. I love my kids

478. my wife, my house, my garden

479. my arts and crafts.

480. It doesn't make me

481. any less of a man.

482. Hey, you want

483. to get together sometime?

484. No.

485. Hell, no!

486. Bernie Mac is 100% real man!

487. Yes, sirree, Bob, baby.

488. 100% man!

489. Smell the testosterone

490. up in here.

491. Smell it!

492. I can smell it!

493. And I can feel it, too!

494. I can feel gum.

495. Who in the hell put gum...

496. Somebody put gum under my chair!

497. I'm going to kill somebody

498. up in here, tonight!

499. You watch!

500. Jordan, I'm going to knock

501. the butt off this ball, man

502. and I want you to take off

503. running, you hear?

504. You can do it,

505. you can do it.

506. Yes, sir!

507. Man coming up now!

508. Huh?

509. Hey, center field, get back!

510. Get back!

511. Get all the way back!

512. Keep on going,

513. the police will stop you.

514. Pitching to a man, now!

515. Yeah, come on!

516. Come on up here!

517. Son!

518. Put the ball right here,

519. put the ball right here!

520. Right here!

521. I'm trying, okay?

522. Try harder!

523. Hey, ease up,

524. Bern, ease up!

525. He ain't got

526. no business out there

527. if he don't know

528. what he's doing!

529. Tired of this.

530. Don't give me no foolishness.

531. I'll show you...

532. There!

533. Safe!

534. Get off me!

535. Boom, took him out, didn't I?

536. I can't believe

537. how you acted out there.

538. I work with those people.

539. I can't believe you

540. going around telling people

541. I'm some kind

542. of Martha Stewart.

543. Martha Stewart?

544. Oh, honey, she could

545. never do what you do.

546. You are Martha

547. Stewart times ten.

548. Oh, baby...

549. I didn't mean

550. it like that.

551. Where you going?

552. You don't ask a man

553. where he going.

554. Where you going?

555. I love you.

556. I got to find Bernie Mac.

557. I got to get Bernie Mac back.

558. I don't like what I've become.

559. I need to got to the one place

560. where they understand me.

561. Speak my language.

562. I guess you're right.

563. Sure I'm right.

564. You're a strong black

565. man, Bernie Mac.

566. Damn right.

567. Right, Papa Kim?

568. Hmm. Bernie Mac

569. proud black man, too.

570. Yeah.

571. Yeah.

572. Bernie Mac,

573. what you doing in a nail salon?

574. Now, hold on, now.

575. America, keeping your nails

576. and skin up is no woman thing.

577. Not at all. Not at all.

578. Now, let's not forget

579. that Bernie Mac is a public

580. personality... an entertainer.

581. It ain't just an outlet.

582. I have to look good.

583. Got to keep my game

584. nice and tight.

585. Bernie Mac don't wake up

586. looking like this.

587. See, Mama Kim's

588. is where I relax.

589. I've been going

590. to Mama Kim's for years.

591. They're like family...

592. like you and me, America.

593. They help me focus

594. on my thoughts;

595. see things more clearly.

596. Oh, yeah... oh, yeah.

597. Take care of myself.

598. Mama Kim,

599. can I ask you a question?

600. I don't know why Asian girls

601. are all into black men.

602. They like the bling-bling.

603. No, no, no, no...

604. Mama Kim, I want to know

605. how I can get people

606. to see the real Bernie Mac?

607. I mean Bernie Mac the man.

608. Don't worry about other

609. people, Bernie Mac.

610. Just be yourself.

611. That's all you can do.

612. Just be Bernie Mac.

613. And they are right.

614. Just be Bernie Mac.

615. Dog gone... and Bernie Mac ain't

616. going to be nobody's mama.

617. That's for damn sure.

618. Yeah... right.

619. Brother Bernie...

620. are you going to fold,

621. or what?

622. Huh?

623. Fold?

624. Hell, no. I ain't

625. going to fold

626. or fluff or iron

627. or pre-wash.

628. And I'm not going to

629. soak fine washables

630. no more, either.

631. I'm tired.

632. How about playing?

633. You going to play?

634. Hey, man,

635. Bernie Mac don't play.

636. Uncle Bernie, I need you

637. to put in my ear cream.

638. Go ask Aunt Wanda, Jordan.

639. She's still at the store.

640. All right, come here.

641. Which ear giving

642. you the problem?

643. This one.

644. Bye!

645. Ow.

646. Ow.

647. Ow...

648. I'm tired man.

649. Every time I

650. turn around, man...

651. Uncle Bernie,

652. I'm thirsty.

653. Can you get me

654. something to drink?

655. Baby girl, go in the kitchen

656. and pour yourself some juice.

657. But I might spill it.

658. If you spill,

659. you got a cleaning job to do.

660. Now get. Go.

661. Okay.

662. Every time I turn around

663. the kids come asking me.

664. You know... I'm not

665. their Mama, man.

666. Uh, Bernie...

667. What?

668. What?

669. I want to ask you

670. a question.

671. No, you don't.

672. You want...

673. Y'all hear that?

674. Vanessa want to

675. ask me a question.

676. Can you believe it?

677. Never mind.

678. No, no, no, no...

679. 'cause I want

680. to hear this.

681. I want to hear it.

682. Okay, do you...

683. Do you think

684. this looks '70s?

685. 70 what?

686. My costume for the '70s dance.

687. Oh. Who you dressed as?

688. It's stupid.

689. I'm supposed to be Jackee

690. from That 70's Show.

691. You know,

692. where she does the thing

693. and then she has the other

694. thing, and then the other thing

695. and, you know,

696. that thing?

697. What '70s show?

698. That 70's Show.

699. Do you mean Jackee from 227?

700. Wasn't that in the '80s?

701. Yeah, that's in

702. the '80s. Yeah.

703. I'm not even going to go.

704. Man, I wasn't going

705. to say nothing

706. but that outfit was whack.

707. You not going to help her out?

708. No, I'm not going

709. to help her out.

710. Vanessa already think she grown.

711. She on her own.

712. I should help

713. her out, man;

714. I ruled the '70s.

715. W.B.:

716. What you mean you

717. ruled the '70s?

718. Man, I put the "P" in P-funk.

719. Hey, I should help the girl out.

720. You put the pee

721. in your pajamas.

722. You were four in the '70s, man.

723. I'll help her.

724. Back in the day

725. I was the pop-lock king.

726. She's needing advice

727. from the pro.

728. Sit down, brother

729. man, sit back down.

730. If anybody going to help

731. my niece, it's going to be me.

732. I ran the '70s.

733. I was the first one

734. to get up on the down stroke.

735. I the one that told Earth, Wind

736. they need to pick up Fire.

737. I talked to Kool

738. about getting the gang.

739. It was me who went

740. to James Brown about the J.B.

741. You know,

742. 'cause I was one of them, baby.

743. I was all up in there, boy.

744. This is my house

745. and I live here.

746. Tell them I'm not going.

747. She's going.

748. She'll be a few minutes.

749. Come on. Come on.

750. You look pretty.

751. Baby.

752. Hey...

753. Come on.

754. Bernie, be nice.

755. Be nice.

756. Oh, there's Bernie.

757. Hey, hey, hey.

758. I got skills

759. Hold on. Hold on.

760. Men, boys and girls

761. introducing

762. part of heart...

763. my niece, Coffee.

764. Come on, baby, come on.

765. Come on, you look beautiful.

766. Come on.

767. Come on, y'all,

768. look at this here.

769. Go on with

770. your bad self, Foxy Mama.

771. Look like a bag

772. of Skittles.

773. Yeah, Mommy, what your name?

774. What your name?

775. I'm home!

776. Aunt Wanda,

777. come here.

778. Ooh, check

779. you out.

780. Ah! Where'd you get

781. those boots, girl?

782. He made them.

783. Honey, you too much.

784. I'm just being Bernie Mac.

785. Yeah.

786. Let me see.

787. Come on, guys,

788. let's go.

789. She look nice, man.

790. Yeah, right on, brother.

791. All right, gang, let's go!

792. Remember, ladies, pretty

793. is as pretty does.

794. Bobby C. on Rerun, you

795. better watch yourself.

796. Hey, hey, hey...

797. why don't you get a sweater?

798. It might get cold.

799. I'm good, I'm good.

800. Sweetheart, sweetheart...

801. remember, if you need anything,

802. Vanessa, just call me, you hear?

803. Okay.

804. Okay.

805. Bernie Mac, you're

806. definitely the man.

807. Oh, baby—

808. wait, wait, wait.

809. Vanessa, let me take

810. a picture right quick.

811. Ooh, baby, I'll get it.

812. All right, hurry up.

813. Dang, he's worse

814. than my mother.

815. I got your mama!

816. I can't help it.

817. It's just a part

818. of who Bernie Mac is.

819. Doesn't mean Bernie Mac

820. isn't a strong man.

821. What's important is

822. that I know who I am.

823. Doesn't matter

824. what anybody think.

825. You remember that.

826. Bernie, come on.

827. I made a fresh batch.

828. I'll be right there.

829. Excuse me.

830. Still the man.

831. I'm going to show you

832. who Bernie Mac is.

833. Bernie Mac

834. is 100% real man, baby.

835. Yes, sir, 100%.

836. Can you smell the testa...

837. What is it?

838. Testasterone, test...

839. Testosterone.

840. Captioned by

841. Media Access Group at WGBH

842. Can you smell the testosterone

843. up in here?

844. Smell it! Smell the testosterone

845. up in here.

846. Smell like mendacity.