The Bernie Mac Show 1x4

1. [Captioning sponsored by

2. and REGENCY TELEVISION]

3. Hello, there, and good evening.

4. How y'all doing?

5. Because I'm fine,

6. thanks for asking.

7. Everything is going good

8. with the kids.

9. Listen, I'm not going

10. to even front.

11. Everything is great.

12. I am the glue that holds

13. the family together.

14. Y'all know the story.

15. Y'all know about my sister

16. had a little problem with drugs.

17. I'm taking care of her kids

18. till she get herself together.

19. Y'all know about it.

20. Ain't no big secret.

21. Now, I bet y'all thought

22. those crumb-snatchers

23. were going to run

24. all over me by now.

25. Well, you were wrong.

26. What? You don't believe me?

27. Check it out.

28. Stop looking at me

29. and check it out!

30. Here you go, baby girl.

31. Uncle Bernie,

32. where's my backpack?

33. On the kitchen

34. table, son

35. and your lunch

36. right next to it.

37. I got you, I got you.

38. Did you remember my apple?

39. Baby, it's cut,

40. quartered

41. and Ziploced,

42. right there.

43. Uncle Bernie, you forgot

44. to refill my asthma medicine.

45. Uh-uh— your ear

46. cream is inside, too.

47. You got to apply it

48. twice a day.

49. Aw, it smells funny.

50. Ain't nobody going to

51. smell your ear, boy.

52. Here, sweetie.

53. It's pizza day.

54. I'll need another dollar.

55. It's taco day,

56. senorita— taco day.

57. Try to get the Mac man.

58. Adios, amigos!

59. I got this.

60. Hey, baby.

61. Hey, baby.

62. You want some breakfast?

63. Oh, honey,

64. I don't have time.

65. Oh, I set up a play date

66. for Jordan this afternoon.

67. A play date?

68. Yeah. It's Cameron,

69. my senior VP's son.

70. Why are you

71. just now telling me?

72. I'm sorry, baby.

73. I've just been

74. so busy with work.

75. You mess with my plans.

76. Did you have

77. something planned?

78. Yes, I had

79. something planned.

80. I planned on

81. going with the flow

82. and a play date

83. messes with my flow

84. and you clogging up

85. my flow, you know?

86. Oh.

87. Oh.

88. Just for me?

89. It ain't that easy, baby.

90. I know, baby.

91. Jordan, I want

92. you and Cameron

93. either to play

94. in your room or outside

95. 'cause I cleaned this

96. whole house up today

97. and I don't want y'all

98. running in and out

99. like maniacs, okay?

100. Okay.

101. Hi, Bernie. I'm Tracy,

102. and this is Cameron.

103. Hi, Cameron.

104. Get your finger

105. out of your nose.

106. Hi, I'm Carrie.

107. Allison, we do not

108. throw plums.

109. That's Allison— she's mine—

110. and this is Joy

111. Brian, Randy,

112. Jeff and Teri.

113. Oh, Lord.

114. Brian and Joy belong to Renee.

115. Inside voices!

116. Inside voices!

117. Please tell me

118. you have Valium.

119. Uh...

120. Hi.

121. Hi. Tracy, listen,

122. Wanda just told me

123. that Cameron was

124. coming by hisself.

125. Oh, no, no. I told Wanda

126. I was bringing the whole gang.

127. I'm really sorry.

128. That's okay; she

129. just didn't tell me.

130. That's all right.

131. My husband does that to me

132. all the time.

133. Did she at least tell you

134. about the company picnic

135. this Saturday?

136. Company picnic?

137. Uh-huh— same thing.

138. What am I going to do

139. with a house full of women?

140. I'm a man!

141. Bernie Mac's a man's man!

142. Oh, what a gorgeous

143. crystal bowl!

144. Hey! Don't touch...!

145. I'll be right back.

146. I love, love this house.

147. Wanda's got such

148. impeccable taste.

149. Actually, sweetheart,

150. I designed all of this.

151. What? Get out!

152. No, no, I did, I did.

153. I picked out the tile,

154. the cabinets

155. the whole nine yards—

156. everything.

157. Ha-ha! I forgot

158. you're a comedian.

159. He's pulling our leg.

160. Ha-ha! "Picked out

161. the tile"-- hilarious.

162. I'm serious!

163. Come here, come here,

164. look at this.

165. You see this?

166. I know a cat downtown,

167. about this high.

168. This guy speaks

169. no English.

170. You come in,

171. you show him what you got

172. he'll make it for you.

173. Designer look,

174. Target prices.

175. No.

176. No.

177. Yeah, I'm serious,

178. and you know what,

179. it gets better.

180. Want to see

181. the rest of the house?

182. My God, yes.

183. Come on.

184. I just didn't want

185. boring terra cotta in here.

186. I needed more color,

187. so I went with

188. the Santa Fe feel.

189. More old school

190. to offset the new school.

191. My husband wouldn't

192. know terra cotta

193. if it hit him

194. in the face.

195. Wow!

196. I used to draw

197. when I was a little boy.

198. Now, this room,

199. this is my favorite

200. 'cause I like the colors.

201. I wanted something

202. real different

203. you know what I mean?

204. Uncle Bernie, we need food!

205. Excuse me?

206. Please?

207. All right, I'll whip you cats up

208. something to eat.

209. Oh, no, no. we'll feed the

210. kids when we get them home.

211. No, no, it's no problem.

212. Y'all like quesadillas?

213. You're just going to

214. whip up quesadillas?

215. I sure will.

216. Uncle Bernie has

217. to give me soy cheese

218. because regular cheese

219. gives me diarrhea.

220. Aw, that is so thoughtful.

221. No, actually,

222. I do it for myself.

223. Baby girl, she's little,

224. but she's deadly.

225. All right...

226. Come on, ladies,

227. what you think?

228. Fabulous.

229. It's really good.

230. What's your secret?

231. Well, it's an

232. old family recipe

233. and if I tell you,

234. I got to kill you.

235. Good afternoon, Vanessa.

236. Hey.

237. Teenagers—

238. would it kill them

239. to be civil?

240. I've got two

241. and I'll be honest,

242. sometimes I just want to...

243. Bust their head till

244. the white meat shows.

245. That's great!

246. Can I use that?

247. You sure can.

248. Bust their head

249. till the white meat shows.

250. Oh, yeah.

251. If that don't work,

252. hit them in the throat.

253. No, don't really hit

254. them in the throat.

255. Beat them in their sleep.

256. Kick... pow!

257. Kick them that

258. extra point. Good!

259. Ladies, I just don't

260. know how to describe it.

261. It was peace.

262. I mean serene peace.

263. My heart just fell wide open.

264. My soul was laid bare,

265. and ladies, I knew—

266. I swear to God I knew—

267. I found my wife.

268. I knew I was in love.

269. Another margarita?

270. Oh.

271. Yeah.

272. No more.

273. I'm having a great time

274. with y'all today.

275. I really am.

276. You wouldn't

277. believe my day!

278. Oh, hey!

279. You have got

280. the greatest husband.

281. Really, he is

282. quite the man.

283. Thank you.

284. I know.

285. Baby, I'm famished.

286. Oh, did I tell you

287. the whole gang was coming today?

288. No kidding?

289. Honey, if you weren't

290. going to cook

291. you should have called.

292. I would have

293. picked something up.

294. Just like my husband.

295. Later.

296. See you.

297. See you at the picnic.

298. Honey, did I tell you

299. about the picnic?

300. I don't know. Did you?

301. Can we go?

302. Flubber leg is on.

303. Can we still go?

304. Yeah, I want to go.

305. Oh, I see the guys

306. from my division.

307. Honey, you sure

308. you got the kids?

309. I got them— go ahead.

310. Do your thing.

311. Tie your shoe up, son.

312. Hey, there's Cameron!

313. I'm going to go play.

314. Go ahead, go ahead.

315. Stay where

316. I can see you, Jordan!

317. And don't go past

318. the trash can!

319. And don't play

320. in the trash can!

321. I need your keys.

322. I'm going to wait

323. in the car.

324. Oh, no, you're going

325. to stay right here

326. pretend you're

327. having a good time, baby.

328. Hey, don't you

329. go to Baja Vista?

330. All right,

331. I guess I'll stay.

332. Yeah, all right.

333. Hey, Bernie! Over here!

334. Hey, hey!

335. Bust your head

336. till the white meat shows!

337. Y'all been drinking without me?

338. Thank you, baby.

339. When are we

340. getting together again?

341. You make the call—

342. just give me notice

343. I'll send the kids

344. to the pound.

345. Put them to sleep.

346. Mm-mm,

347. that's your last one.

348. You done had enough, girl.

349. I'll take that.

350. Bernie! Hey, Tracy.

351. Hey, baby.

352. Hey, how you doing?

353. This is Marshall,

354. my boss.

355. This is Greg,

356. I'm his boss

357. and David; we're up

358. for the same job.

359. What's up, David?

360. So, I finally

361. get to meet

362. the man behind

363. this great lady.

364. Aw... I wouldn't say

365. behind nobody, man.

366. I think me and her

367. are more side by side.

368. Now, if she want me

369. to get behind, I'll get behind.

370. Drop it like it's hot.

371. Bernie, that's my boss.

372. Yeah.

373. So, Bernie...

374. I understand that

375. you're a stay-at-home dad.

376. I have to tell you,

377. I really admire that.

378. I ain't no stay-at-home dad.

379. Now, my kids,

380. they stay-at-home kids

381. 'cause I let them

382. stay at home, get it?

383. I see. Yeah, Wanda told me

384. that you're a comedian.

385. Well, I think

386. that's just great.

387. You know, I wish my Tracy

388. had an outlet like that.

389. I don't really have an outlet;

390. I got a successful career.

391. Uh-huh.

392. Listen, you want to talk

393. about career, my friend?

394. Your wife is on

395. the fast track—

396. oh, yeah.

397. If she keeps going

398. the way she's going

399. you'll be able to

400. give up this whole

401. stand-up comedy thing

402. and you know, stay home.

403. Be a stay-home dad, huh?

404. You think so?

405. Yeah!

406. You got it figured out?

407. Sure!

408. You might be right,

409. you might be right.

410. Look, I'm going

411. to get me some beef.

412. Let y'all talk. Okay?

413. Stay-at-home dad,

414. right over there.

415. What's going on here, America?

416. Bernie Mac ain't no

417. apron-wearing, stay-at-home

418. Betty Crocker-baking,

419. Susie homemaker...

420. What the hell is this?

421. Who been eating Cheetos

422. in my chair?

423. I just cleaned

424. this whole doggone place...

425. Hold on, hold on,

426. hold on, now, hold on.

427. This don't make me less of a man

428. because I like things neat

429. and tidy, America, no, it don't.

430. Y'all getting the wrong

431. impression about Bernie Mac.

432. Y'all not seeing the real me.

433. Stop, Bryana, stop!

434. Yeah, Mrs. Bailey gives

435. way too much homework.

436. I know, and

437. why does she wear

438. the same blue dress

439. every day?

440. Yeah.

441. Hey, are you going to go to

442. the '70s dance tomorrow night?

443. I don't know, maybe.

444. Come on,

445. you have to be there.

446. All right,

447. I'm going as Superfly.

448. I got the hat,

449. the long coat, everything.

450. Who you coming as?

451. It's a surprise.

452. Surprise?

453. Okay. All right.

454. I'll find you.

455. You are coming, right?

456. Yeah.

457. It's not an outlet, man.

458. You don't know nothing

459. about me, man.

460. You people out here in L.A.,

461. they're crazy.

462. Excuse me, Mr. Mac?

463. Yes.

464. I overheard you

465. talking to the guys

466. and I just want to say

467. thank you.

468. For what?

469. For sticking up for us

470. stay-at-home dads.

471. Those men over there,

472. they just don't get it.

473. See, they go to offices,

474. but we go to work

475. and I'm not ashamed to say

476. I love my kids

477. my wife, my house, my garden

478. my arts and crafts.

479. It doesn't make me

480. any less of a man.

481. Hey, you want

482. to get together sometime?

483. No.

484. Hell, no!

485. Bernie Mac is 100% real man!

486. Yes, sirree, Bob, baby.

487. 100% man!

488. Smell the testosterone

489. up in here.

490. Smell it!

491. I can smell it!

492. And I can feel it, too!

493. I can feel gum.

494. Who in the hell put gum...

495. Somebody put gum under my chair!

496. I'm going to kill somebody

497. up in here, tonight!

498. You watch!

499. Jordan, I'm going to knock

500. the butt off this ball, man

501. and I want you to take off

502. running, you hear?

503. You can do it,

504. you can do it.

505. Yes, sir!

506. Man coming up now!

507. Huh?

508. Hey, center field, get back!

509. Get back!

510. Get all the way back!

511. Keep on going,

512. the police will stop you.

513. Pitching to a man, now!

514. Yeah, come on!

515. Come on up here!

516. Son!

517. Put the ball right here,

518. put the ball right here!

519. Right here!

520. I'm trying, okay?

521. Try harder!

522. Hey, ease up,

523. Bern, ease up!

524. He ain't got

525. no business out there

526. if he don't know

527. what he's doing!

528. Tired of this.

529. Don't give me no foolishness.

530. I'll show you...

531. There!

532. Safe!

533. Get off me!

534. Boom, took him out, didn't I?

535. I can't believe

536. how you acted out there.

537. I work with those people.

538. I can't believe you

539. going around telling people

540. I'm some kind

541. of Martha Stewart.

542. Martha Stewart?

543. Oh, honey, she could

544. never do what you do.

545. You are Martha

546. Stewart times ten.

547. Oh, baby...

548. I didn't mean

549. it like that.

550. Where you going?

551. You don't ask a man

552. where he going.

553. Where you going?

554. I love you.

555. I got to find Bernie Mac.

556. I got to get Bernie Mac back.

557. I don't like what I've become.

558. I need to got to the one place

559. where they understand me.

560. Speak my language.

561. I guess you're right.

562. Sure I'm right.

563. You're a strong black

564. man, Bernie Mac.

565. Damn right.

566. Right, Papa Kim?

567. Hmm. Bernie Mac

568. proud black man, too.

569. Yeah.

570. Yeah.

571. Bernie Mac,

572. what you doing in a nail salon?

573. Now, hold on, now.

574. America, keeping your nails

575. and skin up is no woman thing.

576. Not at all. Not at all.

577. Now, let's not forget

578. that Bernie Mac is a public

579. personality... an entertainer.

580. It ain't just an outlet.

581. I have to look good.

582. Got to keep my game

583. nice and tight.

584. Bernie Mac don't wake up

585. looking like this.

586. See, Mama Kim's

587. is where I relax.

588. I've been going

589. to Mama Kim's for years.

590. They're like family...

591. like you and me, America.

592. They help me focus

593. on my thoughts;

594. see things more clearly.

595. Oh, yeah... oh, yeah.

596. Take care of myself.

597. Mama Kim,

598. can I ask you a question?

599. I don't know why Asian girls

600. are all into black men.

601. They like the bling-bling.

602. No, no, no, no...

603. Mama Kim, I want to know

604. how I can get people

605. to see the real Bernie Mac?

606. I mean Bernie Mac the man.

607. Don't worry about other

608. people, Bernie Mac.

609. Just be yourself.

610. That's all you can do.

611. Just be Bernie Mac.

612. And they are right.

613. Just be Bernie Mac.

614. Dog gone... and Bernie Mac ain't

615. going to be nobody's mama.

616. That's for damn sure.

617. Yeah... right.

618. Brother Bernie...

619. are you going to fold,

620. or what?

621. Huh?

622. Fold?

623. Hell, no. I ain't

624. going to fold

625. or fluff or iron

626. or pre-wash.

627. And I'm not going to

628. soak fine washables

629. no more, either.

630. I'm tired.

631. How about playing?

632. You going to play?

633. Hey, man,

634. Bernie Mac don't play.

635. Uncle Bernie, I need you

636. to put in my ear cream.

637. Go ask Aunt Wanda, Jordan.

638. She's still at the store.

639. All right, come here.

640. Which ear giving

641. you the problem?

642. This one.

643. Bye!

644. Ow.

645. Ow.

646. Ow...

647. I'm tired man.

648. Every time I

649. turn around, man...

650. Uncle Bernie,

651. I'm thirsty.

652. Can you get me

653. something to drink?

654. Baby girl, go in the kitchen

655. and pour yourself some juice.

656. But I might spill it.

657. If you spill,

658. you got a cleaning job to do.

659. Now get. Go.

660. Okay.

661. Every time I turn around

662. the kids come asking me.

663. You know... I'm not

664. their Mama, man.

665. Uh, Bernie...

666. What?

667. What?

668. I want to ask you

669. a question.

670. No, you don't.

671. You want...

672. Y'all hear that?

673. Vanessa want to

674. ask me a question.

675. Can you believe it?

676. Never mind.

677. No, no, no, no...

678. 'cause I want

679. to hear this.

680. I want to hear it.

681. Okay, do you...

682. Do you think

683. this looks '70s?

684. 70 what?

685. My costume for the '70s dance.

686. Oh. Who you dressed as?

687. It's stupid.

688. I'm supposed to be Jackee

689. from That 70's Show.

690. You know,

691. where she does the thing

692. and then she has the other

693. thing, and then the other thing

694. and, you know,

695. that thing?

696. What '70s show?

697. That 70's Show.

698. Do you mean Jackee from 227?

699. Wasn't that in the '80s?

700. Yeah, that's in

701. the '80s. Yeah.

702. I'm not even going to go.

703. Man, I wasn't going

704. to say nothing

705. but that outfit was whack.

706. You not going to help her out?

707. No, I'm not going

708. to help her out.

709. Vanessa already think she grown.

710. She on her own.

711. I should help

712. her out, man;

713. I ruled the '70s.

714. W.B.:

715. What you mean you

716. ruled the '70s?

717. Man, I put the "P" in P-funk.

718. Hey, I should help the girl out.

719. You put the pee

720. in your pajamas.

721. You were four in the '70s, man.

722. I'll help her.

723. Back in the day

724. I was the pop-lock king.

725. She's needing advice

726. from the pro.

727. Sit down, brother

728. man, sit back down.

729. If anybody going to help

730. my niece, it's going to be me.

731. I ran the '70s.

732. I was the first one

733. to get up on the down stroke.

734. I the one that told Earth, Wind

735. they need to pick up Fire.

736. I talked to Kool

737. about getting the gang.

738. It was me who went

739. to James Brown about the J.B.

740. You know,

741. 'cause I was one of them, baby.

742. I was all up in there, boy.

743. This is my house

744. and I live here.

745. Tell them I'm not going.

746. She's going.

747. She'll be a few minutes.

748. Come on. Come on.

749. You look pretty.

750. Baby.

751. Hey...

752. Come on.

753. Bernie, be nice.

754. Be nice.

755. Oh, there's Bernie.

756. Hey, hey, hey.

757. I got skills

758. Hold on. Hold on.

759. Men, boys and girls

760. introducing

761. part of heart...

762. my niece, Coffee.

763. Come on, baby, come on.

764. Come on, you look beautiful.

765. Come on.

766. Come on, y'all,

767. look at this here.

768. Go on with

769. your bad self, Foxy Mama.

770. Look like a bag

771. of Skittles.

772. Yeah, Mommy, what your name?

773. What your name?

774. I'm home!

775. Aunt Wanda,

776. come here.

777. Ooh, check

778. you out.

779. Ah! Where'd you get

780. those boots, girl?

781. He made them.

782. Honey, you too much.

783. I'm just being Bernie Mac.

784. Yeah.

785. Let me see.

786. Come on, guys,

787. let's go.

788. She look nice, man.

789. Yeah, right on, brother.

790. All right, gang, let's go!

791. Remember, ladies, pretty

792. is as pretty does.

793. Bobby C. on Rerun, you

794. better watch yourself.

795. Hey, hey, hey...

796. why don't you get a sweater?

797. It might get cold.

798. I'm good, I'm good.

799. Sweetheart, sweetheart...

800. remember, if you need anything,

801. Vanessa, just call me, you hear?

802. Okay.

803. Okay.

804. Bernie Mac, you're

805. definitely the man.

806. Oh, baby—

807. wait, wait, wait.

808. Vanessa, let me take

809. a picture right quick.

810. Ooh, baby, I'll get it.

811. All right, hurry up.

812. Dang, he's worse

813. than my mother.

814. I got your mama!

815. I can't help it.

816. It's just a part

817. of who Bernie Mac is.

818. Doesn't mean Bernie Mac

819. isn't a strong man.

820. What's important is

821. that I know who I am.

822. Doesn't matter

823. what anybody think.

824. You remember that.

825. Bernie, come on.

826. I made a fresh batch.

827. I'll be right there.

828. Excuse me.

829. Still the man.

830. I'm going to show you

831. who Bernie Mac is.

832. Bernie Mac

833. is 100% real man, baby.

834. Yes, sir, 100%.

835. Can you smell the testa...

836. What is it?

837. Testasterone, test...

838. Testosterone.

839. Captioned by

840. Media Access Group at WGBH

841. Can you smell the testosterone

842. up in here?

843. Smell it! Smell the testosterone

844. up in here.

845. Smell like mendacity.