The Bernie Mac Show 1x22

Directed by Lee Shallat Chemel

Don Cheadle as Cousin D • Krysten Leigh Jones as Tasha • Irma P. Hall as Aunt Liva • Raquel Lee as Vanessa's Friend • Cleavant Derricks as Willie

Bernie takes the family on a tour of his old stomping grounds. Vanessa attempts to find her mother.

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1. Captioning sponsored by

2. and REGENCY TELEVISION

3. America...

4. this past week has been

5. a real emotional time for me.

6. See, I went back home to Chicago

7. to attend a funeral—

8. my old, favorite uncle,

9. Uncle Elister.

10. And you know, being back home,

11. surrounded by all my loved ones

12. I come to realize one thing:

13. I hate my loved ones.

14. They make me sick.

15. And you know what I'm talking

16. about, America.

17. Y'all got some relatives you

18. wish would be missing, too.

19. I can't take it no more.

20. America...

21. Bernie Mac needs a break.

22. There you are, sugar.

23. All right, we off

24. like a dirty shirt.

25. First thing

26. we're going to do

27. we're going to stop

28. and get something to eat.

29. Something you can only eat

30. in Chicago.

31. Ooh, deep-dish pizza.

32. I love Chicago

33. deep-dish pizza.

34. Yeah, pizza.

35. Pizza.

36. Pizza, pizza...

37. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

38. Hey, hey, hey,

39. it ain't no pizza.

40. What?

41. That's right.

42. It's hot dogs.

43. Hot dogs?

44. You doggone right.

45. Authentic Vienna hot dogs,

46. Chicago style.

47. Come on, hold on,

48. hold on.

49. Whoa, oh, oh, oh.

50. Come on, baby.

51. Oh, you'll see.

52. Oh, you'll see.

53. Yes, I'll hold.

54. Which judge do you like

55. Judge Mablean,

56. or Judge Judy?

57. Whoo,

58. I love Judge Mathis.

59. He is smart.

60. That's nice, Aunt Liva.

61. Oh, she is?

62. Well, when does

63. work detail end?

64. Those people on Divorce Court

65. are stupid.

66. I like Judge Mablean,

67. though.

68. She's fair.

69. Uh-huh.

70. Yeah, I did call earlier.

71. But I'm at

72. a new number now.

73. 818-555-5960.

74. Can you please make sure

75. she gets the message?

76. It's her daughter, Vanessa.

77. Now I got a dressed up

78. Chicago-style hot dog.

79. Baby, I got some ol'

80. American mustard, not

81. that old French crap.

82. Look at this.

83. It's got relish

84. sauerkraut and some onions.

85. First one's all you, baby girl.

86. But I wanted plain!

87. Baby girl

88. this is better

89. than plain.

90. Just try it.

91. Take a bite.

92. No!

93. What's wrong with her?

94. This is a masterpiece.

95. A Macangelo.

96. She don't know what's good.

97. I love you.

98. Can't find it nowhere.

99. Not in New York...

100. Huh?

101. Cleveland...

102. Huh?

103. L.A.

104. You so silly.

105. Cut the camera off.

106. All right, here you go,

107. your old boring hot dog.

108. With no Chicago on it.

109. Hmm...

110. Okay, so this is my

111. cell phone number.

112. That a six?

113. Yeah,

114. it's 818-555-5960.

115. Okay.

116. But you probably won't have

117. to use it

118. because I won't be gone long.

119. Uh...

120. Who that?

121. It's Bernie Mac.

122. Bernie?

123. It is I.

124. Bernie Mac!

125. Willie.

126. What's up, baby?

127. What are you doing

128. in town, man?

129. My Uncle Elister, he passed.

130. Oh, I'm sorry.

131. Yeah, yeah.

132. Yeah, yeah, I remember him.

133. He used to come in,

134. see the show all the time.

135. Sure did.

136. Wild Turkey and Coke.

137. No ice.

138. And no tip.

139. That's him. Willie...

140. this is my wife,

141. my nephew and my niece.

142. Hey, kids,

143. did you know that your uncle

144. is the funniest comedian

145. that ever walked into

146. this place?

147. Oh, no, I don't know

148. about all that, Willie.

149. Oh, yeah.

150. No, there was some

151. funny cats

152. who come through

153. here, now.

154. Yeah, yeah,

155. but you know what?

156. They weren't Bernie Mac.

157. Man, do some of the

158. old cats still come

159. through here, man?

160. Oh, yeah, lots of 'em.

161. They come up.

162. That's good, man.

163. Yeah.

164. What about Tony Kay?

165. Now that brother

166. was funny.

167. Tony Kay.

168. Yeah.

169. No, he don't come up here

170. no more.

171. Oh... Michael? He come?

172. No, no.

173. Wait, wait, wait.

174. You talking about, um,

175. Michael M.C.

176. or Big Mike Michael?

177. Either.

178. No.

179. Oh, man...

180. Uncle Bernie

181. I have to use the restroom.

182. Okay, okay, son.

183. Wait a minute.

184. What about some of

185. the old cats used to

186. work here, like Clayton?

187. Uncle Bernie...

188. Uh-uh.

189. I'll take him.

190. Good, thank you,

191. baby. Clayton?

192. What about Jack,

193. Willie?

194. Jack? Jack, Jack?

195. Jack.

196. Fat Jack.

197. He had buck teeth

198. he tried to hide...

199. tried cover with

200. that mustache.

201. Oh, yeah, Jack.

202. Yeah.

203. Yeah.

204. No, no, he don't work here

205. no more.

206. Oh, he don't, huh?

207. No, no, he got stabbed.

208. No!

209. Oh, yeah.

210. He got stabbed?

211. Yes, he did.

212. What about Donny,

213. he still come around?

214. Well, Donny's the one

215. what stabbed him.

216. Get out of here.

217. Aunt Wanda?

218. What's "Ribbed for

219. her pleasure" mean?

220. No!

221. Uh, Willie?

222. No!

223. Willie?

224. It was nice meeting you.

225. Bernie, we're going.

226. No, no, W-Wanda,

227. Wanda...

228. Willie, tell her

229. about the heckler

230. that Warren Hutcherson

231. shot who was sitting

232. right over there.

233. Tell-tell her that one.

234. Uh, uh, we'll see you

235. in the car.

236. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

237. All right, all right,

238. all right.

239. You're kidding.

240. Hey, look who's here.

241. Raynelle.

242. Oh, Tinikki.

243. So, Hollywood,

244. you back already?

245. Yeah, I had to come

246. for a funeral.

247. Wait, you knew T-Dawg?

248. No.

249. So,

250. how's California?

251. You seen any movie stars?

252. Did you meet Lil' Bow Wow?

253. No, just a couple of my uncle's

254. comedian friends.

255. Ooh...

256. what's his house like?

257. Is it big?

258. Not that big.

259. You got your own room?

260. Yeah.

261. It's big.

262. Mm-hmm.

263. It's probably

264. like Cribs, I bet.

265. Uh-huh.

266. Look, it's not

267. that big of a deal.

268. I mean, I like

269. it better here.

270. Girl, you crazy.

271. Uh-uh, word.

272. Well, you can stay here

273. and I'll just go back to Cali

274. and kick it in the big house.

275. You can't take the

276. ghetto out the girl.

277. That's true.

278. Ooh, Vanessa, I like your shoes.

279. Ooh, they're tight.

280. What up, girl?

281. These joints is hot.

282. How much were they?

283. I don't know.

284. They give my uncle stuff

285. sometimes.

286. What? You didn't have to pay?

287. Girl, it's like you Venus

288. or Serena, or something.

289. They a'ight.

290. They better than

291. them raggedy shoes you got on.

292. Forget you. I'm hungry.

293. Let's go to Habib's.

294. You ain't got no money.

295. Who needs money? Let's roll.

296. I got money.

297. Let me buy.

298. I don't need your

299. money, Hollywood.

300. You need somebody's money.

301. Shut up.

302. You think you

303. all that, huh?

304. I remember when

305. your ass wasn't too good to lift

306. what you wanted from that store.

307. Now it's, "my uncle this"

308. and "my uncle that."

309. He ain't even that funny.

310. The Kings of

311. Comedy was funny.

312. Mm-hmm.

313. Whatever.

314. Don't turn your back

315. on me like you better

316. than somebody.

317. I don't care how

318. large you livin'

319. your momma's still

320. a crackhead.

321. Oh, so what—

322. you bad, now?

323. Ooh...

324. Ooh, it's about

325. to get cracked.

326. Come on, girl.

327. Uh-uh, don't let her

328. do you like that!

329. Hit her right there!

330. Right there!

331. Yeah,

332. that's right.

333. What you gonna do now, huh?

334. What you gonna

335. do now, huh?

336. Huh?

337. I got her shoes.

338. How you like

339. that, Hollywood?

340. Come on, Ray.

341. I said come on!

342. Hello?

343. Mom?

344. Where are you?

345. I've been calling you

346. and calling you.

347. I know, but I really need you.

348. I really need to see you.

349. Really?

350. I'm near the Rec Center.

351. Yeah, that's where we used to

352. get chili burgers.

353. Okay.

354. About a half hour?

355. I love you.

356. Hey, baby girl,

357. what was your favorite part

358. of Uncle Bernie's

359. tour of Chicago?

360. I liked the part

361. when we ate dinner at the hotel.

362. Just the cereal part?

363. What about the part

364. I took you to the barber shop?

365. When I show you

366. where I buy my shoes?

367. That was stupid.

368. "Stupid." Yeah, okay,

369. I got your stupid.

370. I'll tell you what.

371. Wherever you all want to go,

372. that's where we'll go.

373. Just tell me—

374. where you want to go?

375. To a bathroom.

376. What?

377. Those hot dogs

378. don't agree with me.

379. Could we please

380. get to a bathroom now?

381. Aunt Wanda's

382. got doody.

383. Thank you.

384. Hey, baby,

385. you all right?

386. I feel so much better,

387. honey.

388. Uh-oh.

389. Ooh, you got to go?

390. Oh, no—

391. come on, y'all.

392. Come on, honey, quick.

393. You're too little

394. to have anything left.

395. Bernie!

396. Yo.

397. We got a problem.

398. Oh, Lord.

399. What's wrong, baby?

400. Oh, Lord!

401. Honey, go get the hose.

402. Watch out, baby.

403. Okay, honey, okay.

404. Ooh! Honey,

405. that was me.

406. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

407. Turn her around.

408. Baby, don't drown

409. the baby.

410. Turn her around.

411. Okay.

412. She did all that?

413. Whoo, stankin'!

414. Okay. Ooh!

415. Hold her still, baby.

416. Okay. Whoo,

417. you're getting heavy, baby.

418. Ooh, honey, honey...

419. Look out.

420. Lower

421. on the pressure.

422. I can't. Whoo!

423. Okay, baby, get my feet

424. right quick.

425. Come on, now.

426. Okay, okay.

427. Okay, okay, I'm going

428. to turn her around.

429. I'm about to fall down,

430. I'm telling you.

431. Okay, baby,

432. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

433. Okay, just a little bit,

434. just a little bit.

435. All right, right there.

436. This should be

437. right here, right here. Good.

438. Okay, good.

439. Take your clothes off,

440. quick.

441. Baby, it's on his way.

442. I didn't tell you

443. to get naked, Jordan.

444. Come on, come on.

445. Hurry up, baby, come on.

446. Come on.

447. All right.

448. It's not my fault

449. they can't handle

450. a good hot dog.

451. Jordan didn't get sick,

452. and he weaker than a refugee.

453. I just wanted

454. to show them my town my way

455. but they had to ruin it for me.

456. Chicago, I'm not mad at you.

457. I'm just mad

458. at those doggone kids.

459. Think I ate too many peppers.

460. Excuse me a minute, okay?

461. I want you to scrub.

462. And no splashing.

463. And don't put no water

464. in her hair.

465. Stop, Jordan.

466. Better not put no soap

467. in her eyes. Hello?

468. What? Where are you?

469. What you mean come get you?

470. Hold on;

471. baby, get my keys.

472. All right, listen,

473. just stay right there.

474. I'm on my way, okay?

475. Uh, Bernie, Vanessa's

476. not at Aunt Livva's.

477. I know; that was her.

478. Oh.

479. She's okay;

480. I'm going to get her.

481. I'll be right back, okay?

482. You going to be okay?

483. Why does she

484. always do this?

485. Why?

486. Why can't she be

487. like other moms?

488. It's not fair.

489. I know it's

490. not fair, Nessa.

491. I'm going to tell

492. you something.

493. I'm going to

494. tell you something

495. I never told nobody, ever.

496. When I was a little boy—

497. maybe eight years old—

498. I had a birthday party.

499. Nothing special.

500. Just a few balloons.

501. A G.I. Joe.

502. And Big Mama gave me $15.

503. Nessa, that was

504. the most money

505. I ever had in my life.

506. And my father calls...

507. to say he was on his way.

508. He never showed up?

509. Oh, yeah, he showed up.

510. He showed up late.

511. But I was so excited, Nessa,

512. I didn't even care.

513. Then he started

514. telling me

515. about how his

516. car broke down

517. and he had no idea

518. how he was going

519. to get the money.

520. I kept hollering, "I got

521. some money, I got some money!"

522. And I ran in my room,

523. and I broke my piggy bank.

524. And he grabbed my $15.

525. The funny thing

526. about it was

527. Big Mama caught him

528. down the street

529. and she bashed his head in

530. with a skillet.

531. She brought

532. my $15 back.

533. But what I'm trying to say,

534. Nessa is...

535. parents make mistakes.

536. Sometime they make big ones.

537. But see, me and you, we lucky.

538. We got people in our lives

539. that really, really love us.

540. Like my Uncle Elister

541. although he wasn't

542. my real uncle.

543. But I know

544. he loved me.

545. So, my point I'm trying to say,

546. Nessa, is...

547. you're a big girl now.

548. You can make decisions

549. for yourself.

550. If you want

551. to go see your mother...

552. I'll be more than happy

553. to take you to see your mother.

554. No.

555. I just want to go home.

556. Hey, I'll have

557. you in the hotel

558. in a minute.

559. No, I mean home home.

560. You know what, Nessa?

561. Me, too.

562. Your Uncle Elister

563. wanted you to have it.

564. Oh, his tackle box.

565. Open it later.

566. Oh, baby, it

567. won't bite you.

568. Come on, y'all, let's

569. take a picture— come on.

570. Baby girl, come on.

571. Come on, baby,

572. come on.

573. What is it?

574. Oh, baby, a bunch of clippings

575. and pictures.

576. Wanda, this man

577. kept every clipping

578. from when I was a kid

579. all the way up to my career now.

580. Oh, look, a baby picture

581. of you.

582. I've never

583. seen this before.

584. I haven't either.

585. Wow, look at you.

586. You look chunky.

587. I am kind of thick.

588. So, what's wrong?

589. Look at that— 1923.

590. Elister Bernard Dower.

591. Oh, my God— his baby

592. picture looks exactly

593. like you.

594. Damn, it sure do,

595. don't it?

596. Hmm.

597. That's something—

598. that he kept all

599. these things for

600. so many years.

601. Baby, your uncle

602. really loved you.

603. He did, didn't he?

604. Mm-hmm.

605. Wanda, he saved all this for me.

606. Mm-hmm.

607. Captioning sponsored by

608. and REGENCY TELEVISION

609. Captioned by

610. Media Access Group at WGBH

611. And then we went

612. to the slaughterhouse

613. and we saw

614. these dead pigs.

615. I mean,

616. it was kind of nasty.

617. Yeah, that's

618. what I thought.

619. And then we ate

620. these hot dogs.

621. They were good, but they had

622. this bright green stuff.

623. And then my sister threw up

624. and we had to go

625. to this gas station

626. and we had diarrhea.

627. Ew, it burned.

628. And then we went

629. to this old, old club

630. I mean, that my Uncle Bernie

631. used to work at.

632. And then

633. I went into the restroom.

634. Do you know what "ribbed

635. for her pleasure" means?