The Bernie Mac Show 1x22

Directed by Lee Shallat Chemel

Don Cheadle as Cousin D • Krysten Leigh Jones as Tasha • Irma P. Hall as Aunt Liva • Raquel Lee as Vanessa's Friend • Cleavant Derricks as Willie

Bernie takes the family on a tour of his old stomping grounds. Vanessa attempts to find her mother.

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1. Captioning sponsored by

2. FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

3. and REGENCY TELEVISION

4. America...

5. this past week has been

6. a real emotional time for me.

7. See, I went back home to Chicago

8. to attend a funeral—

9. my old, favorite uncle,

10. Uncle Elister.

11. And you know, being back home,

12. surrounded by all my loved ones

13. I come to realize one thing:

14. I hate my loved ones.

15. They make me sick.

16. And you know what I'm talking

17. about, America.

18. Y'all got some relatives you

19. wish would be missing, too.

20. I can't take it no more.

21. America...

22. Bernie Mac needs a break.

23. There you are, sugar.

24. All right, we off

25. like a dirty shirt.

26. First thing

27. we're going to do

28. we're going to stop

29. and get something to eat.

30. Something you can only eat

31. in Chicago.

32. Ooh, deep-dish pizza.

33. I love Chicago

34. deep-dish pizza.

35. Yeah, pizza.

36. Pizza.

37. ( chanting ):

38. Pizza, pizza...

39. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

40. Hey, hey, hey,

41. it ain't no pizza.

42. What?

43. That's right.

44. It's hot dogs.

45. Hot dogs?

46. You doggone right.

47. Authentic Vienna hot dogs,

48. Chicago style.

49. Come on, hold on,

50. hold on.

51. Whoa, oh, oh, oh.

52. Come on, baby.

53. Oh, you'll see.

54. Oh, you'll see.

55. Yes, I'll hold.

56. Which judge do you like

57. Judge Mablean,

58. or Judge Judy?

59. Whoo,

60. I love Judge Mathis.

61. ( chuckling ):

62. He is smart.

63. That's nice, Aunt Liva.

64. Oh, she is?

65. Well, when does

66. work detail end?

67. Those people on Divorce Court

68. are stupid.

69. I like Judge Mablean,

70. though.

71. She's fair.

72. Uh-huh.

73. Yeah, I did call earlier.

74. But I'm at

75. a new number now.

76. 818-555-5960.

77. Can you please make sure

78. she gets the message?

79. It's her daughter, Vanessa.

80. Now I got a dressed up

81. Chicago-style hot dog.

82. Baby, I got some ol'

83. American mustard, not

84. that old French crap.

85. Look at this.

86. ( laughing ):

87. It's got relish

88. sauerkraut and some onions.

89. First one's all you, baby girl.

90. But I wanted plain!

91. Baby girl

92. this is better

93. than plain.

94. Just try it.

95. Take a bite.

96. No!

97. What's wrong with her?

98. This is a masterpiece.

99. A Macangelo.

100. She don't know what's good.

101. I love you.

102. Can't find it nowhere.

103. Not in New York...

104. Huh?

105. Cleveland...

106. Huh?

107. L.A.

108. You so silly.

109. Cut the camera off.

110. All right, here you go,

111. your old boring hot dog.

112. With no Chicago on it.

113. Hmm...

114. Okay, so this is my

115. cell phone number.

116. That a six?

117. Yeah,

118. it's 818-555-5960.

119. ( sighs ):

120. Okay.

121. But you probably won't have

122. to use it

123. because I won't be gone long.

124. Uh...

125. Who that?

126. It's Bernie Mac.

127. Bernie?

128. It is I.

129. Bernie Mac!

130. ( laughing ):

131. Willie.

132. What's up, baby?

133. What are you doing

134. in town, man?

135. My Uncle Elister, he passed.

136. Oh, I'm sorry.

137. Yeah, yeah.

138. Yeah, yeah, I remember him.

139. He used to come in,

140. see the show all the time.

141. Sure did.

142. Wild Turkey and Coke.

143. No ice.

144. And no tip.

145. That's him. Willie...

146. this is my wife,

147. my nephew and my niece.

148. Hey, kids,

149. did you know that your uncle

150. is the funniest comedian

151. that ever walked into

152. this place?

153. Oh, no, I don't know

154. about all that, Willie.

155. Oh, yeah.

156. No, there was some

157. funny cats

158. who come through

159. here, now.

160. Yeah, yeah,

161. but you know what?

162. They weren't Bernie Mac.

163. Man, do some of the

164. old cats still come

165. through here, man?

166. Oh, yeah, lots of 'em.

167. They come up.

168. That's good, man.

169. Yeah.

170. What about Tony Kay?

171. Now that brother

172. was funny.

173. ( laughing ):

174. Tony Kay.

175. Yeah.

176. No, he don't come up here

177. no more.

178. Oh... Michael? He come?

179. No, no.

180. Wait, wait, wait.

181. You talking about, um,

182. Michael M.C.

183. or Big Mike Michael?

184. Either.

185. No.

186. Oh, man...

187. Uncle Bernie

188. I have to use the restroom.

189. Okay, okay, son.

190. Wait a minute.

191. What about some of

192. the old cats used to

193. work here, like Clayton?

194. Uncle Bernie...

195. Uh-uh.

196. I'll take him.

197. Good, thank you,

198. baby. Clayton?

199. What about Jack,

200. Willie?

201. Jack? Jack, Jack?

202. Jack.

203. Fat Jack.

204. He had buck teeth

205. he tried to hide...

206. tried cover with

207. that mustache.

208. Oh, yeah, Jack.

209. Yeah.

210. Yeah.

211. No, no, he don't work here

212. no more.

213. Oh, he don't, huh?

214. No, no, he got stabbed.

215. No!

216. ( chuckles ):

217. Oh, yeah.

218. He got stabbed?

219. Yes, he did.

220. What about Donny,

221. he still come around?

222. Well, Donny's the one

223. what stabbed him.

224. Get out of here.

225. Aunt Wanda?

226. What's "Ribbed for

227. her pleasure" mean?

228. No!

229. Uh, Willie?

230. No!

231. Willie?

232. It was nice meeting you.

233. Bernie, we're going.

234. No, no, W-Wanda,

235. Wanda...

236. Willie, tell her

237. about the heckler

238. that Warren Hutcherson

239. shot who was sitting

240. right over there.

241. Tell-tell her that one.

242. Uh, uh, we'll see you

243. in the car.

244. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

245. All right, all right,

246. all right.

247. You're kidding.

248. Hey, look who's here.

249. Raynelle.

250. Oh, Tinikki.

251. So, Hollywood,

252. you back already?

253. Yeah, I had to come

254. for a funeral.

255. Wait, you knew T-Dawg?

256. No.

257. So,

258. how's California?

259. You seen any movie stars?

260. Did you meet Lil' Bow Wow?

261. No, just a couple of my uncle's

262. comedian friends.

263. Ooh...

264. what's his house like?

265. Is it big?

266. Not that big.

267. You got your own room?

268. Yeah.

269. It's big.

270. Mm-hmm.

271. It's probably

272. like Cribs, I bet.

273. Uh-huh.

274. Look, it's not

275. that big of a deal.

276. I mean, I like

277. it better here.

278. Girl, you crazy.

279. Uh-uh, word.

280. Well, you can stay here

281. and I'll just go back to Cali

282. and kick it in the big house.

283. You can't take the

284. ghetto out the girl.

285. That's true.

286. Ooh, Vanessa, I like your shoes.

287. Ooh, they're tight.

288. What up, girl?

289. These joints is hot.

290. How much were they?

291. I don't know.

292. They give my uncle stuff

293. sometimes.

294. What? You didn't have to pay?

295. Girl, it's like you Venus

296. or Serena, or something.

297. They a'ight.

298. They better than

299. them raggedy shoes you got on.

300. Forget you. I'm hungry.

301. Let's go to Habib's.

302. You ain't got no money.

303. Who needs money? Let's roll.

304. I got money.

305. Let me buy.

306. I don't need your

307. money, Hollywood.

308. ( snickers ):

309. You need somebody's money.

310. Shut up.

311. You think you

312. all that, huh?

313. I remember when

314. your ass wasn't too good to lift

315. what you wanted from that store.

316. Now it's, "my uncle this"

317. and "my uncle that."

318. He ain't even that funny.

319. The Kings of

320. Comedy was funny.

321. Mm-hmm.

322. Whatever.

323. Don't turn your back

324. on me like you better

325. than somebody.

326. I don't care how

327. large you livin'

328. your momma's still

329. a crackhead.

330. Oh, so what—

331. you bad, now?

332. Ooh...

333. Ooh, it's about

334. to get cracked.

335. Come on, girl.

336. Uh-uh, don't let her

337. do you like that!

338. Hit her right there!

339. Right there!

340. Yeah,

341. that's right.

342. What you gonna do now, huh?

343. What you gonna

344. do now, huh?

345. Huh?

346. I got her shoes.

347. How you like

348. that, Hollywood?

349. Come on, Ray.

350. I said come on!

351. ( softly ):

352. Hello?

353. Mom?

354. Where are you?

355. ( sniffles ):

356. I've been calling you

357. and calling you.

358. I know, but I really need you.

359. I really need to see you.

360. Really?

361. I'm near the Rec Center.

362. Yeah, that's where we used to

363. get chili burgers.

364. Okay.

365. About a half hour?

366. I love you.

367. Hey, baby girl,

368. what was your favorite part

369. of Uncle Bernie's

370. tour of Chicago?

371. I liked the part

372. when we ate dinner at the hotel.

373. Just the cereal part?

374. What about the part

375. I took you to the barber shop?

376. When I show you

377. where I buy my shoes?

378. That was stupid.

379. "Stupid." Yeah, okay,

380. I got your stupid.

381. I'll tell you what.

382. Wherever you all want to go,

383. that's where we'll go.

384. Just tell me—

385. where you want to go?

386. To a bathroom.

387. What?

388. Those hot dogs

389. don't agree with me.

390. Could we please

391. get to a bathroom now?

392. Aunt Wanda's

393. got doody.

394. Thank you.

395. Hey, baby,

396. you all right?

397. I feel so much better,

398. honey.

399. Uh-oh.

400. Ooh, you got to go?

401. Oh, no—

402. come on, y'all.

403. Come on, honey, quick.

404. You're too little

405. to have anything left.

406. Bernie!

407. Yo.

408. We got a problem.

409. Oh, Lord.

410. What's wrong, baby?

411. Oh, Lord!

412. Honey, go get the hose.

413. Watch out, baby.

414. Okay, honey, okay.

415. Ooh! Honey,

416. that was me.

417. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

418. Turn her around.

419. Baby, don't drown

420. the baby.

421. Turn her around.

422. Okay.

423. She did all that?

424. Whoo, stankin'!

425. Okay. Ooh!

426. Hold her still, baby.

427. Okay. Whoo,

428. you're getting heavy, baby.

429. Ooh, honey, honey...

430. Look out.

431. Lower

432. on the pressure.

433. I can't. Whoo!

434. Okay, baby, get my feet

435. right quick.

436. Come on, now.

437. Okay, okay.

438. Okay, okay, I'm going

439. to turn her around.

440. I'm about to fall down,

441. I'm telling you.

442. Okay, baby,

443. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

444. Okay, just a little bit,

445. just a little bit.

446. All right, right there.

447. This should be

448. right here, right here. Good.

449. Okay, good.

450. Take your clothes off,

451. quick.

452. Baby, it's on his way.

453. I didn't tell you

454. to get naked, Jordan.

455. Come on, come on.

456. Hurry up, baby, come on.

457. Come on.

458. All right.

459. It's not my fault

460. they can't handle

461. a good hot dog.

462. Jordan didn't get sick,

463. and he weaker than a refugee.

464. I just wanted

465. to show them my town my way

466. but they had to ruin it for me.

467. Chicago, I'm not mad at you.

468. I'm just mad

469. at those doggone kids.

470. Think I ate too many peppers.

471. Excuse me a minute, okay?

472. I want you to scrub.

473. And no splashing.

474. And don't put no water

475. in her hair.

476. Stop, Jordan.

477. Better not put no soap

478. in her eyes. Hello?

479. What? Where are you?

480. What you mean come get you?

481. Hold on;

482. baby, get my keys.

483. All right, listen,

484. just stay right there.

485. I'm on my way, okay?

486. Uh, Bernie, Vanessa's

487. not at Aunt Livva's.

488. I know; that was her.

489. Oh.

490. She's okay;

491. I'm going to get her.

492. I'll be right back, okay?

493. You going to be okay?

494. Why does she

495. always do this?

496. Why?

497. Why can't she be

498. like other moms?

499. It's not fair.

500. I know it's

501. not fair, Nessa.

502. I'm going to tell

503. you something.

504. I'm going to

505. tell you something

506. I never told nobody, ever.

507. When I was a little boy—

508. maybe eight years old—

509. I had a birthday party.

510. Nothing special.

511. Just a few balloons.

512. A G.I. Joe.

513. And Big Mama gave me $15.

514. Nessa, that was

515. the most money

516. I ever had in my life.

517. And my father calls...

518. to say he was on his way.

519. He never showed up?

520. Oh, yeah, he showed up.

521. He showed up late.

522. But I was so excited, Nessa,

523. I didn't even care.

524. Then he started

525. telling me

526. about how his

527. car broke down

528. and he had no idea

529. how he was going

530. to get the money.

531. I kept hollering, "I got

532. some money, I got some money!"

533. And I ran in my room,

534. and I broke my piggy bank.

535. And he grabbed my $15.

536. The funny thing

537. about it was

538. Big Mama caught him

539. down the street

540. and she bashed his head in

541. with a skillet.

542. She brought

543. my $15 back.

544. But what I'm trying to say,

545. Nessa is...

546. parents make mistakes.

547. Sometime they make big ones.

548. But see, me and you, we lucky.

549. We got people in our lives

550. that really, really love us.

551. Like my Uncle Elister

552. although he wasn't

553. my real uncle.

554. But I know

555. he loved me.

556. So, my point I'm trying to say,

557. Nessa, is...

558. you're a big girl now.

559. You can make decisions

560. for yourself.

561. If you want

562. to go see your mother...

563. I'll be more than happy

564. to take you to see your mother.

565. No.

566. I just want to go home.

567. Hey, I'll have

568. you in the hotel

569. in a minute.

570. No, I mean home home.

571. You know what, Nessa?

572. Me, too.

573. Your Uncle Elister

574. wanted you to have it.

575. Oh, his tackle box.

576. Open it later.

577. Oh, baby, it

578. won't bite you.

579. Come on, y'all, let's

580. take a picture— come on.

581. Baby girl, come on.

582. Come on, baby,

583. come on.

584. What is it?

585. Oh, baby, a bunch of clippings

586. and pictures.

587. Wanda, this man

588. kept every clipping

589. from when I was a kid

590. all the way up to my career now.

591. Oh, look, a baby picture

592. of you.

593. I've never

594. seen this before.

595. I haven't either.

596. Wow, look at you.

597. You look chunky.

598. I am kind of thick.

599. So, what's wrong?

600. Look at that— 1923.

601. Elister Bernard Dower.

602. Oh, my God— his baby

603. picture looks exactly

604. like you.

605. Damn, it sure do,

606. don't it?

607. Hmm.

608. That's something—

609. that he kept all

610. these things for

611. so many years.

612. Baby, your uncle

613. really loved you.

614. He did, didn't he?

615. Mm-hmm.

616. Wanda, he saved all this for me.

617. Mm-hmm.

618. Captioning sponsored by

619. FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

620. and REGENCY TELEVISION

621. Captioned by

622. Media Access Group at WGBH

623. And then we went

624. to the slaughterhouse

625. and we saw

626. these dead pigs.

627. I mean,

628. it was kind of nasty.

629. Yeah, that's

630. what I thought.

631. And then we ate

632. these hot dogs.

633. They were good, but they had

634. this bright green stuff.

635. And then my sister threw up

636. and we had to go

637. to this gas station

638. and we had diarrhea.

639. Ew, it burned.

640. And then we went

641. to this old, old club

642. I mean, that my Uncle Bernie

643. used to work at.

644. And then

645. I went into the restroom.

646. Do you know what "ribbed

647. for her pleasure" means?