The Bernie Mac Show 1x21

Directed by Lee Shallat Chemel

Don Cheadle as Cousin D • Irma P. Hall as Aunt Liva • Cleavant Derricks as Willie • Troy Curvey Jr. as Rev. Bell • Gregg Daniel as Funeral Director

Bernie takes the entire family to Chicago for the funeral of a beloved uncle, but his cousin's scheming mars the trip.

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1. Captioning sponsored by

2. FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

3. and REGENCY TELEVISION

4. America...

5. you've seen me every week.

6. You know how much

7. I do for those kids.

8. Bernie Mac is a giver

9. and those kids ain't

10. nothing but takers.

11. Over these last few months,

12. these kids have committed acts

13. that was unspeakable.

14. Stopped up my toilets, scratched

15. my album and dented my car

16. but now they've gone

17. one step beyond.

18. They've done the unthinkable.

19. They ate my chicken.

20. Who ate my chicken?

21. I got one rule

22. when I come from a gig,

23. and what is it?

24. How'd your gig go?

25. Don't ask me

26. nothin' stupid, Jordan.

27. Sorry.

28. Yeah, you are sorry.

29. Your problem starts

30. when you ate my chicken.

31. Matter of fact,

32. you open your mouth.

33. Let me smell your breath.

34. Bernie!

35. Come here.

36. Hey, take a message, baby!

37. I'm getting ready

38. to expose a criminal.

39. Open your mouth.

40. You crazy.

41. Yeah, I'm crazy

42. when somebody

43. eats my chicken.

44. Baby, please listen.

45. I'm conducting

46. an investigation.

47. It was D from Chicago.

48. Your Uncle Elister

49. passed away.

50. How?

51. In his sleep last night.

52. Honey, I'm so sorry.

53. My Uncle Elister

54. was very special.

55. Well, he wasn't actually

56. my blood uncle

57. but he lived across

58. the street from us

59. when I was growing up.

60. He practically

61. raised me, you know.

62. I remember my Uncle Elister

63. bought my first bike.

64. He taught me how to ride.

65. He picked me up

66. when I fell off of it

67. and he comforted me

68. when someone stole it.

69. Baby, I'm going to...

70. have to go to Chicago

71. and pay my respects.

72. Baby, we'll all go.

73. I know.

74. We're going

75. to Chicago?

76. Can we see our mom?

77. Oh, Nessa, please.

78. Of course you can see your mom.

79. Without a doubt.

80. It's time for family.

81. You know what, Wanda?

82. I never got a chance

83. to really thank him

84. for supporting me

85. and believing in me.

86. I never, ever, ever got

87. a chance to thank him.

88. Baby, I think he knows

89. how much you care.

90. Aunt Wanda.

91. Have you seen my pirate cape?

92. Honey, I'll help

93. you pack.

94. Know what, Jordan?

95. Don't be like

96. your Uncle Bernie

97. and wait till somebody die

98. before you get a chance

99. to tell them you love them.

100. Mm-mm. No way.

101. Don't be like me.

102. Uncle Bernie, I...

103. I...

104. I ate your chicken.

105. Jordan...

106. don't worry about it.

107. Look at that champagne.

108. Bernie Mac in coach.

109. You doggone

110. kids.

111. Yeah, right

112. back at you.

113. Hey! Turn around!

114. Leave my Uncle Bernie

115. alone!

116. He's 'motional.

117. Yeah, 'motional.

118. This is our first

119. trip as a family.

120. Can I go sit

121. by the window?

122. Go ahead.

123. Ow!

124. Oh, ma'am, ma'am,

125. ma'am, miss.

126. I'm ready for my meal right now.

127. Ladies and gentlemen,

128. welcome to Chicago O'Hare.

129. Oh, yeah. Chicago.

130. I'm home, baby.

131. Just a little bad news.

132. The ground crew has informed us

133. that some of the luggage didn't

134. quite make the flight.

135. Oh...

136. Oh, goodness.

137. Hi, baby.

138. Baby.

139. Hey, Mama Liva.

140. Oh, come on

141. in here, boy.

142. Oh, Beanie

143. your uncle would have

144. been so glad you came.

145. Oh, Mama Liva, you kidding, man?

146. Y'all my family.

147. Shoot, I'd have walked here.

148. Bernie Bern Bern.

149. Hey, what's up, D?

150. What's up, big brother?

151. What's up, man?

152. Man, sorry I couldn't

153. get here earlier.

154. Oh, that ain't nothing.

155. You know how it is

156. working for the man.

157. I mean, the supervisor

158. want a brother

159. to work the whole

160. 9:00 to 5:00, man.

161. Hey, D, I'm truly sorry

162. about your dad, man, really.

163. It's heavy.

164. I can still smell him

165. on his coat.

166. Hey, how'd they let you on

167. the plane with that weapon?

168. I ain't got no weapon.

169. What you talking about?

170. Wanda, man.

171. She's like a fine

172. bomb, boom!

173. Hi, D.

174. Hey, Wanda.

175. Hey, kids.

176. Look at these kids.

177. Last time I saw y'all,

178. I was bringing that

179. couch over to y'all's house.

180. Remember when

181. I was bringing that couch

182. over to y'all's

183. house?

184. Man, them kids

185. love me, Bernie.

186. Yeah, I see.

187. Everybody loves you, D.

188. Named it Earl.

189. Oh, he was

190. a good man.

191. He really loved

192. you boys.

193. I know, Mama.

194. Hey, listen,

195. you kids

196. why don't you all

197. go in the front

198. and watch television

199. while us grown folks

200. sit here and talk

201. a little while, okay?

202. Go ahead,

203. go ahead.

204. Okay.

205. And if you lose the picture,

206. just jiggle the hanger.

207. And we only get

208. channel two.

209. Mama Liva

210. why don't you let us take care

211. of the funeral arrangement?

212. I mean, it would

213. do my heart

214. real good,

215. please.

216. Oh, no, no.

217. You're such an angel,

218. but D's taking care

219. of everything.

220. That's right; it's going

221. to be beautiful, Mama.

222. I know it is.

223. Let me help you.

224. Bernie, let me put this

225. bug in your ear over here.

226. Hey, um

227. now I'm going to handle

228. everything, right

229. but I'm still waiting

230. for Daddy's check from

231. the government, man.

232. You know how slow

233. they can be.

234. Hey, maybe you don't

235. remember, you know.

236. You're big time and

237. everything now, but

238. could you float me

239. for a minute, man?

240. He did not just say that.

241. He did not

242. just ask me for money.

243. Oh... D!

244. Had to ruin everything.

245. America, I know we all got

246. somebody in our family

247. just like this, too.

248. And if you don't think so,

249. then it's you.

250. D, why don't we go down in the

251. morning and take care of it.

252. You my dog, man.

253. Yeah.

254. And, hey, you already

255. offered anyway, right?

256. Mama, I get that,

257. I get that.

258. Now this is one

259. of our best sellers.

260. White oak.

261. Very nice,

262. very understated.

263. No, no, no,

264. no, no, no, no.

265. Mm-mm, no.

266. What's wrong, D?

267. Come on, Bern,

268. this looks like

269. somebody's shop

270. class project.

271. Thing can't cost more

272. than $200, man.

273. Well, well, what

274. do you suggest, D?

275. Bernie, when Biggie died...

276. R.I.P.

277. they put the brother

278. in a gold coffin

279. lined with

280. velvet.

281. It had his initials

282. in diamonds on

283. the top of it.

284. I know this man ain't

285. trying to tell me

286. my daddy ain't

287. as good as Biggie.

288. We do special

289. requests

290. but it can get a bit expensive.

291. Hey, man, hey.

292. My father died.

293. Now I know we ain't up in here

294. trying to pinch pennies.

295. Ain't that right, Bern?

296. Um... I mean, let's just hear

297. what the man got to say, D.

298. And just walk around

299. see if we can pick out

300. something more proper.

301. Okay, you're right.

302. You're right.

303. Maybe something

304. like solid teak?

305. Ebony wood,

306. something like that?

307. I think my Daddy's

308. worth it, right?

309. This is expensive.

310. And it don't even move.

311. What is that?

312. Rustproof.

313. Air con...

314. This is some...

315. Let's move on.

316. Thanks, cuz.

317. I think we really did

318. right by Daddy back there.

319. Yeah, Mama Liva'll

320. be proud.

321. Come on, I want

322. to show you something.

323. Now, see, what may look like

324. an ordinary old church to you

325. to me... it's a club.

326. A club?

327. A comedy club.

328. Now hold on, stand

329. right over here.

330. Now over here,

331. this is the stage, okay?

332. Now right, we're

333. going to put a bar.

334. And this wall,

335. just get rid of it.

336. Knock this

337. whole thing out.

338. Extend the seating

339. out that way.

340. And right here

341. where you're standing

342. that's the

343. dance floor.

344. Check it out,

345. I got a name, okay.

346. You ain't going to believe this.

347. "Buster Guts."

348. You get it?

349. It's like "bust a gut"

350. but it's "bust-er gut."

351. Now that's comedy, man.

352. What do you think?

353. D, listen, you know

354. you have to really

355. know what you're doing

356. to put up a club and

357. it cost a lot of money.

358. Money ain't a thing, man.

359. That's where you come in.

360. You're gonna give me

361. the seed money

362. to get it started

363. because the way I figure it

364. if you got ten grand

365. to dump into the ground

366. you definitely

367. got ten grand

368. to launch a dream.

369. Woo.

370. Why does he do this? Why?

371. Why does D do this?

372. You know, maybe D has changed.

373. I shouldn't judge him, America.

374. I shouldn't judge him

375. by his past.

376. Maybe it's probably just a loan.

377. And I'm sure he's got every

378. intention on paying me back.

379. The nerve of that damn fool

380. askin' me for ten

381. damn thousand dollars.

382. I should have given him

383. 10,000 kicks right in the crack

384. of his damn ass.

385. That's what I should have did.

386. Okay, I'm going

387. to give him the money.

388. But this time

389. we put it on paper

390. and he got to have a solid

391. business plan

392. and it better be notarized.

393. Bernie Mac is depressed.

394. Damn, damn, damn!

395. Well, mm...

396. D is D.

397. Hello.

398. No, I didn't have

399. no wake-up call, sweetheart.

400. You got the wrong number.

401. I ordered it.

402. Mom can have visitors at 8:00

403. so we have to be

404. on the road by 7:30.

405. You have about five minutes.

406. All of our patients

407. are in their rooms

408. right now for private

409. reflection time.

410. We set visiting hours

411. to coincide with this time

412. because it's nice

413. and peaceful and quiet.

414. Okay.

415. I made that.

416. Stacy, you have visitors.

417. Stacy?

418. Where's Mommy?

419. That's a very

420. good question.

421. Excuse me.

422. Bob, it's Donna.

423. We have a situation.

424. Maybe it'd be better

425. if you came back later.

426. Hey, listen, we're going to go.

427. We'll see your mother

428. at the funeral, okay?

429. Come on, baby girl.

430. Come on, Jordan.

431. Let's move on.

432. Hey, y'all.

433. Y'all ready?

434. Uncle Bernie...

435. Huh?

436. I don't want to see dead people.

437. You're not going to see

438. any dead people, baby.

439. We're just going to go

440. say a few nice words

441. and pay our respects.

442. When you die,

443. I'm going to say my respects.

444. Uncle Bernie, when you die

445. can I have your house?

446. I'm going to outlive y'all.

447. Hello?

448. Stacey.

449. Hey, girl, what happened to you?

450. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hold...

451. Hold on now.

452. Watch your tone.

453. Watch how you're talking to me.

454. You sitting up there

455. gonna try to trip on me.

456. I'm trying to do you a favor.

457. I bring your kids to see you,

458. you ain't there.

459. You trying to get better?

460. H-Hello?

461. Hello?

462. She got a lot of nerve, America.

463. How do I get to be the bad guy

464. after all I've done?

465. Taking those kids in?

466. She's lucky I've actually grown

467. fond of the ungrateful urchins.

468. I mean, America, no good deed...

469. no good deed.

470. She gonna trip out on me.

471. Junkie.

472. That's right.

473. Okay, what you call it?

474. Okay? I thought so.

475. Psst. Psst.

476. Psst.

477. Psst.

478. What?

479. I was thinking

480. about our club.

481. You know who we should get

482. for our opening night act?

483. Chris Tucker, boy.

484. He really made me

485. laugh, you know.

486. D. D...

487. This ain't the time

488. or the place, man.

489. My God.

490. You right, you right.

491. I'll holler at you

492. over by the crypt.

493. What do you think about

494. topless waitresses?

495. D, I'm here to pay my last

496. respects to your father.

497. No, no, your father.

498. I know,

499. I'm just saying...

500. I know what you're

501. saying, D. Shut up.

502. Let us pray.

503. Nighttime daycare.

504. Mull that one over.

505. White liquor nights.

506. What's the first thing

507. pop into your head?

508. White people, right?

509. But it ain't white people.

510. It's white liquor.

511. You get it? It's like

512. a double, um, entourage...

513. entree... what's the word?

514. ( voice cracking ):

515. Bye, Daddy.

516. I will give thanks to the Lord.

517. Hey, Bern, I got this cat

518. who got a line on

519. a liquor license.

520. You want to holler

521. at him real quick?

522. Some other time, D.

523. But he's on the phone

524. right now, man.

525. He's a busy man.

526. It's not like he's going

527. to hang around forever.

528. You want me to tell him

529. to call back later?

530. I'll tell him

531. to call back later.

532. Thou has set on the throne

533. given righteous judgment.

534. Give me this doggone phone.

535. Give it here, D!

536. Before we commit

537. Elister's body

538. to the ground

539. would someone like to say

540. a few kind words

541. about this gentle soul?

542. I was just saying...

543. This brother getting on my...

544. All you ever wanted

545. was a handout.

546. You dirty, greedy bastard!

547. All you ever did in your life

548. is take, take, take.

549. Why? All you did was sit

550. in the house and watch TV.

551. Now you getting just

552. what the heck you deserve

553. and that's nothing.

554. Nothing!

555. It ain't a person up in here

556. don't feel the same.

557. Lord, I feel so much better

558. getting this off my chest

559. I swear to God.

560. Go to hell!

561. I mean, it's

562. okay, Bernie.

563. I know how much

564. you love your uncle.

565. I ruined the burial,

566. didn't I?

567. Oh, you didn't ruin anything.

568. I know how D can

569. drive a man crazy.

570. Mama Liva, I was thinking

571. about lending D the money

572. to open up a comedy club.

573. Well, Bernie, you might as well

574. just give me the money

575. let me flush it down the toilet.

576. 'Cause that's exactly

577. what he's going to do.

578. Oh, Mama Liva.

579. Now, he's my son,

580. and I love him.

581. But the boy is trifling.

582. Now you keep your money.

583. I'm just so sorry

584. I didn't get a chance

585. to pay my respect to Uncle E.

586. Oh, baby.

587. You showed your respect

588. while he was alive

589. and that's what counts.

590. Oh, Mama Liva, thanks.

591. I love old people.

592. You know, just when you think

593. you know everything

594. they drop some knowledge on you

595. and open your eyes.

596. Sometime when you think

597. you're protecting them

598. it's them protecting you.

599. Respect your elders, America.

600. And pay those respect

601. like you're supposed

602. to pay your bills—

603. I mean, on time.

604. Don't wait

605. till the fifth and final notice.

606. Y'all know who you are.

607. Oh, you know.

608. You put your foot in this

609. this time.

610. I almost forgot how good

611. your homecooked food

612. taste like, girl.

613. Well, let's see if

614. you remember this.

615. Mm... Look at that.

616. Let me see.

617. That's your Uncle Elister

618. right there, and that's me.

619. Every Sunday he used to take me

620. fishing right over there

621. that little lake over there?

622. And that's my first fish.

623. He even named it.

624. Oh, now I don't know

625. about all of that.

626. Named it Earl.

627. Named it Earl.

628. Captioning sponsored by

629. FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

630. and REGENCY TELEVISION

631. Captioned by

632. Media Access Group at WGBH