The Bernie Mac Show 1x21

Directed by Lee Shallat Chemel

Don Cheadle as Cousin D • Irma P. Hall as Aunt Liva • Cleavant Derricks as Willie • Troy Curvey Jr. as Rev. Bell • Gregg Daniel as Funeral Director

Bernie takes the entire family to Chicago for the funeral of a beloved uncle, but his cousin's scheming mars the trip.

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1. Captioning sponsored by

2. and REGENCY TELEVISION

3. America...

4. you've seen me every week.

5. You know how much

6. I do for those kids.

7. Bernie Mac is a giver

8. and those kids ain't

9. nothing but takers.

10. Over these last few months,

11. these kids have committed acts

12. that was unspeakable.

13. Stopped up my toilets, scratched

14. my album and dented my car

15. but now they've gone

16. one step beyond.

17. They've done the unthinkable.

18. They ate my chicken.

19. Who ate my chicken?

20. I got one rule

21. when I come from a gig,

22. and what is it?

23. How'd your gig go?

24. Don't ask me

25. nothin' stupid, Jordan.

26. Sorry.

27. Yeah, you are sorry.

28. Your problem starts

29. when you ate my chicken.

30. Matter of fact,

31. you open your mouth.

32. Let me smell your breath.

33. Bernie!

34. Come here.

35. Hey, take a message, baby!

36. I'm getting ready

37. to expose a criminal.

38. Open your mouth.

39. You crazy.

40. Yeah, I'm crazy

41. when somebody

42. eats my chicken.

43. Baby, please listen.

44. I'm conducting

45. an investigation.

46. It was D from Chicago.

47. Your Uncle Elister

48. passed away.

49. How?

50. In his sleep last night.

51. Honey, I'm so sorry.

52. My Uncle Elister

53. was very special.

54. Well, he wasn't actually

55. my blood uncle

56. but he lived across

57. the street from us

58. when I was growing up.

59. He practically

60. raised me, you know.

61. I remember my Uncle Elister

62. bought my first bike.

63. He taught me how to ride.

64. He picked me up

65. when I fell off of it

66. and he comforted me

67. when someone stole it.

68. Baby, I'm going to...

69. have to go to Chicago

70. and pay my respects.

71. Baby, we'll all go.

72. I know.

73. We're going

74. to Chicago?

75. Can we see our mom?

76. Oh, Nessa, please.

77. Of course you can see your mom.

78. Without a doubt.

79. It's time for family.

80. You know what, Wanda?

81. I never got a chance

82. to really thank him

83. for supporting me

84. and believing in me.

85. I never, ever, ever got

86. a chance to thank him.

87. Baby, I think he knows

88. how much you care.

89. Aunt Wanda.

90. Have you seen my pirate cape?

91. Honey, I'll help

92. you pack.

93. Know what, Jordan?

94. Don't be like

95. your Uncle Bernie

96. and wait till somebody die

97. before you get a chance

98. to tell them you love them.

99. Mm-mm. No way.

100. Don't be like me.

101. Uncle Bernie, I...

102. I...

103. I ate your chicken.

104. Jordan...

105. don't worry about it.

106. Look at that champagne.

107. Bernie Mac in coach.

108. You doggone

109. kids.

110. Yeah, right

111. back at you.

112. Hey! Turn around!

113. Leave my Uncle Bernie

114. alone!

115. He's 'motional.

116. Yeah, 'motional.

117. This is our first

118. trip as a family.

119. Can I go sit

120. by the window?

121. Go ahead.

122. Ow!

123. Oh, ma'am, ma'am,

124. ma'am, miss.

125. I'm ready for my meal right now.

126. Ladies and gentlemen,

127. welcome to Chicago O'Hare.

128. Oh, yeah. Chicago.

129. I'm home, baby.

130. Just a little bad news.

131. The ground crew has informed us

132. that some of the luggage didn't

133. quite make the flight.

134. Oh...

135. Oh, goodness.

136. Hi, baby.

137. Baby.

138. Hey, Mama Liva.

139. Oh, come on

140. in here, boy.

141. Oh, Beanie

142. your uncle would have

143. been so glad you came.

144. Oh, Mama Liva, you kidding, man?

145. Y'all my family.

146. Shoot, I'd have walked here.

147. Bernie Bern Bern.

148. Hey, what's up, D?

149. What's up, big brother?

150. What's up, man?

151. Man, sorry I couldn't

152. get here earlier.

153. Oh, that ain't nothing.

154. You know how it is

155. working for the man.

156. I mean, the supervisor

157. want a brother

158. to work the whole

159. 9:00 to 5:00, man.

160. Hey, D, I'm truly sorry

161. about your dad, man, really.

162. It's heavy.

163. I can still smell him

164. on his coat.

165. Hey, how'd they let you on

166. the plane with that weapon?

167. I ain't got no weapon.

168. What you talking about?

169. Wanda, man.

170. She's like a fine

171. bomb, boom!

172. Hi, D.

173. Hey, Wanda.

174. Hey, kids.

175. Look at these kids.

176. Last time I saw y'all,

177. I was bringing that

178. couch over to y'all's house.

179. Remember when

180. I was bringing that couch

181. over to y'all's

182. house?

183. Man, them kids

184. love me, Bernie.

185. Yeah, I see.

186. Everybody loves you, D.

187. Named it Earl.

188. Oh, he was

189. a good man.

190. He really loved

191. you boys.

192. I know, Mama.

193. Hey, listen,

194. you kids

195. why don't you all

196. go in the front

197. and watch television

198. while us grown folks

199. sit here and talk

200. a little while, okay?

201. Go ahead,

202. go ahead.

203. Okay.

204. And if you lose the picture,

205. just jiggle the hanger.

206. And we only get

207. channel two.

208. Mama Liva

209. why don't you let us take care

210. of the funeral arrangement?

211. I mean, it would

212. do my heart

213. real good,

214. please.

215. Oh, no, no.

216. You're such an angel,

217. but D's taking care

218. of everything.

219. That's right; it's going

220. to be beautiful, Mama.

221. I know it is.

222. Let me help you.

223. Bernie, let me put this

224. bug in your ear over here.

225. Hey, um

226. now I'm going to handle

227. everything, right

228. but I'm still waiting

229. for Daddy's check from

230. the government, man.

231. You know how slow

232. they can be.

233. Hey, maybe you don't

234. remember, you know.

235. You're big time and

236. everything now, but

237. could you float me

238. for a minute, man?

239. He did not just say that.

240. He did not

241. just ask me for money.

242. Oh... D!

243. Had to ruin everything.

244. America, I know we all got

245. somebody in our family

246. just like this, too.

247. And if you don't think so,

248. then it's you.

249. D, why don't we go down in the

250. morning and take care of it.

251. You my dog, man.

252. Yeah.

253. And, hey, you already

254. offered anyway, right?

255. Mama, I get that,

256. I get that.

257. Now this is one

258. of our best sellers.

259. White oak.

260. Very nice,

261. very understated.

262. No, no, no,

263. no, no, no, no.

264. Mm-mm, no.

265. What's wrong, D?

266. Come on, Bern,

267. this looks like

268. somebody's shop

269. class project.

270. Thing can't cost more

271. than $200, man.

272. Well, well, what

273. do you suggest, D?

274. Bernie, when Biggie died...

275. R.I.P.

276. they put the brother

277. in a gold coffin

278. lined with

279. velvet.

280. It had his initials

281. in diamonds on

282. the top of it.

283. I know this man ain't

284. trying to tell me

285. my daddy ain't

286. as good as Biggie.

287. We do special

288. requests

289. but it can get a bit expensive.

290. Hey, man, hey.

291. My father died.

292. Now I know we ain't up in here

293. trying to pinch pennies.

294. Ain't that right, Bern?

295. Um... I mean, let's just hear

296. what the man got to say, D.

297. And just walk around

298. see if we can pick out

299. something more proper.

300. Okay, you're right.

301. You're right.

302. Maybe something

303. like solid teak?

304. Ebony wood,

305. something like that?

306. I think my Daddy's

307. worth it, right?

308. This is expensive.

309. And it don't even move.

310. What is that?

311. Rustproof.

312. Air con...

313. This is some...

314. Let's move on.

315. Thanks, cuz.

316. I think we really did

317. right by Daddy back there.

318. Yeah, Mama Liva'll

319. be proud.

320. Come on, I want

321. to show you something.

322. Now, see, what may look like

323. an ordinary old church to you

324. to me... it's a club.

325. A club?

326. A comedy club.

327. Now hold on, stand

328. right over here.

329. Now over here,

330. this is the stage, okay?

331. Now right, we're

332. going to put a bar.

333. And this wall,

334. just get rid of it.

335. Knock this

336. whole thing out.

337. Extend the seating

338. out that way.

339. And right here

340. where you're standing

341. that's the

342. dance floor.

343. Check it out,

344. I got a name, okay.

345. You ain't going to believe this.

346. "Buster Guts."

347. You get it?

348. It's like "bust a gut"

349. but it's "bust-er gut."

350. Now that's comedy, man.

351. What do you think?

352. D, listen, you know

353. you have to really

354. know what you're doing

355. to put up a club and

356. it cost a lot of money.

357. Money ain't a thing, man.

358. That's where you come in.

359. You're gonna give me

360. the seed money

361. to get it started

362. because the way I figure it

363. if you got ten grand

364. to dump into the ground

365. you definitely

366. got ten grand

367. to launch a dream.

368. Woo.

369. Why does he do this? Why?

370. Why does D do this?

371. You know, maybe D has changed.

372. I shouldn't judge him, America.

373. I shouldn't judge him

374. by his past.

375. Maybe it's probably just a loan.

376. And I'm sure he's got every

377. intention on paying me back.

378. The nerve of that damn fool

379. askin' me for ten

380. damn thousand dollars.

381. I should have given him

382. 10,000 kicks right in the crack

383. of his damn ass.

384. That's what I should have did.

385. Okay, I'm going

386. to give him the money.

387. But this time

388. we put it on paper

389. and he got to have a solid

390. business plan

391. and it better be notarized.

392. Bernie Mac is depressed.

393. Damn, damn, damn!

394. Well, mm...

395. D is D.

396. Hello.

397. No, I didn't have

398. no wake-up call, sweetheart.

399. You got the wrong number.

400. I ordered it.

401. Mom can have visitors at 8:00

402. so we have to be

403. on the road by 7:30.

404. You have about five minutes.

405. All of our patients

406. are in their rooms

407. right now for private

408. reflection time.

409. We set visiting hours

410. to coincide with this time

411. because it's nice

412. and peaceful and quiet.

413. Okay.

414. I made that.

415. Stacy, you have visitors.

416. Stacy?

417. Where's Mommy?

418. That's a very

419. good question.

420. Excuse me.

421. Bob, it's Donna.

422. We have a situation.

423. Maybe it'd be better

424. if you came back later.

425. Hey, listen, we're going to go.

426. We'll see your mother

427. at the funeral, okay?

428. Come on, baby girl.

429. Come on, Jordan.

430. Let's move on.

431. Hey, y'all.

432. Y'all ready?

433. Uncle Bernie...

434. Huh?

435. I don't want to see dead people.

436. You're not going to see

437. any dead people, baby.

438. We're just going to go

439. say a few nice words

440. and pay our respects.

441. When you die,

442. I'm going to say my respects.

443. Uncle Bernie, when you die

444. can I have your house?

445. I'm going to outlive y'all.

446. Hello?

447. Stacey.

448. Hey, girl, what happened to you?

449. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hold...

450. Hold on now.

451. Watch your tone.

452. Watch how you're talking to me.

453. You sitting up there

454. gonna try to trip on me.

455. I'm trying to do you a favor.

456. I bring your kids to see you,

457. you ain't there.

458. You trying to get better?

459. H-Hello?

460. Hello?

461. She got a lot of nerve, America.

462. How do I get to be the bad guy

463. after all I've done?

464. Taking those kids in?

465. She's lucky I've actually grown

466. fond of the ungrateful urchins.

467. I mean, America, no good deed...

468. no good deed.

469. She gonna trip out on me.

470. Junkie.

471. That's right.

472. Okay, what you call it?

473. Okay? I thought so.

474. Psst. Psst.

475. Psst.

476. Psst.

477. What?

478. I was thinking

479. about our club.

480. You know who we should get

481. for our opening night act?

482. Chris Tucker, boy.

483. He really made me

484. laugh, you know.

485. D. D...

486. This ain't the time

487. or the place, man.

488. My God.

489. You right, you right.

490. I'll holler at you

491. over by the crypt.

492. What do you think about

493. topless waitresses?

494. D, I'm here to pay my last

495. respects to your father.

496. No, no, your father.

497. I know,

498. I'm just saying...

499. I know what you're

500. saying, D. Shut up.

501. Let us pray.

502. Nighttime daycare.

503. Mull that one over.

504. White liquor nights.

505. What's the first thing

506. pop into your head?

507. White people, right?

508. But it ain't white people.

509. It's white liquor.

510. You get it? It's like

511. a double, um, entourage...

512. entree... what's the word?

513. Bye, Daddy.

514. I will give thanks to the Lord.

515. Hey, Bern, I got this cat

516. who got a line on

517. a liquor license.

518. You want to holler

519. at him real quick?

520. Some other time, D.

521. But he's on the phone

522. right now, man.

523. He's a busy man.

524. It's not like he's going

525. to hang around forever.

526. You want me to tell him

527. to call back later?

528. I'll tell him

529. to call back later.

530. Thou has set on the throne

531. given righteous judgment.

532. Give me this doggone phone.

533. Give it here, D!

534. Before we commit

535. Elister's body

536. to the ground

537. would someone like to say

538. a few kind words

539. about this gentle soul?

540. I was just saying...

541. This brother getting on my...

542. All you ever wanted

543. was a handout.

544. You dirty, greedy bastard!

545. All you ever did in your life

546. is take, take, take.

547. Why? All you did was sit

548. in the house and watch TV.

549. Now you getting just

550. what the heck you deserve

551. and that's nothing.

552. Nothing!

553. It ain't a person up in here

554. don't feel the same.

555. Lord, I feel so much better

556. getting this off my chest

557. I swear to God.

558. Go to hell!

559. I mean, it's

560. okay, Bernie.

561. I know how much

562. you love your uncle.

563. I ruined the burial,

564. didn't I?

565. Oh, you didn't ruin anything.

566. I know how D can

567. drive a man crazy.

568. Mama Liva, I was thinking

569. about lending D the money

570. to open up a comedy club.

571. Well, Bernie, you might as well

572. just give me the money

573. let me flush it down the toilet.

574. 'Cause that's exactly

575. what he's going to do.

576. Oh, Mama Liva.

577. Now, he's my son,

578. and I love him.

579. But the boy is trifling.

580. Now you keep your money.

581. I'm just so sorry

582. I didn't get a chance

583. to pay my respect to Uncle E.

584. Oh, baby.

585. You showed your respect

586. while he was alive

587. and that's what counts.

588. Oh, Mama Liva, thanks.

589. I love old people.

590. You know, just when you think

591. you know everything

592. they drop some knowledge on you

593. and open your eyes.

594. Sometime when you think

595. you're protecting them

596. it's them protecting you.

597. Respect your elders, America.

598. And pay those respect

599. like you're supposed

600. to pay your bills—

601. I mean, on time.

602. Don't wait

603. till the fifth and final notice.

604. Y'all know who you are.

605. Oh, you know.

606. You put your foot in this

607. this time.

608. I almost forgot how good

609. your homecooked food

610. taste like, girl.

611. Well, let's see if

612. you remember this.

613. Mm... Look at that.

614. Let me see.

615. That's your Uncle Elister

616. right there, and that's me.

617. Every Sunday he used to take me

618. fishing right over there

619. that little lake over there?

620. And that's my first fish.

621. He even named it.

622. Oh, now I don't know

623. about all of that.

624. Named it Earl.

625. Named it Earl.

626. Captioning sponsored by

627. and REGENCY TELEVISION

628. Captioned by

629. Media Access Group at WGBH