The Bernie Mac Show 1x20

1. America, see, being a parent

2. is a 24-hour-a-day job...

3. with no pay

4. and no benefits.

5. I mean, it's relentless,

6. exhausting, time-consuming.

7. See, that's why when

8. the 25th hour rolls around,

9. you need friends to

10. take you away from it all.

11. See, my boys are like

12. my blood. They're solid.

13. Always there for me.

14. I'm talkin' about

15. unconditional love.

16. As opposed to them kids.

17. See, they only love me

18. when they want somethin',

19. break somethin'...

20. or they're afraid

21. I might break something.

22. See, my boys love me

23. all the time,

24. except on poker night.

25. That's true.

26. I used to do the jails

27. a long time ago.

28. I'll see that.

29. There you go.

30. Ain't gonna save

31. you though, man.

32. Come to papa.

33. You know what they say.

34. It's the last train pulling

35. into this station.

36. Figures, man. I mean,

37. you know the rules, dog.

38. The game always ends

39. when Bernie's finally up.

40. Uh-huh. It's cool.

41. I gotta get home

42. to my wife and kids.

43. And homeboy's gotta get home

44. to his girlfriend and kids.

45. Hey, they ain't my kids.

46. What's up? What's up?

47. Hey, Bernie. You know, if you

48. wanna keep on playin', man,

49. I'll stick around. It's cool.

50. Oh, Kelly, I already took

51. all your money.

52. Every time! Hey!

53. The cards gotta

54. be marked, man.

55. Please.

56. Come on, daddy.

57. All the time I been winnin',

58. I'm surprised

59. you ain't learned nothin'.

60. All right.

61. Shh. Y'all gonna

62. wake up the neighbors.

63. See you tomorrow.

64. Hey, K-Kelly.

65. What's up, man?

66. I've been working on

67. some material for a new routine.

68. I want to run it past you.

69. Oh, Kelly, that's business.

70. Why don't we

71. take care of that

72. during business hours?

73. It's late. I'm tired.

74. I want to go to bed.

75. Okay?

76. Yeah, okay.

77. All right.

78. I'll see you.

79. All right.

80. Hey, man?

81. Yo.

82. There's a Sanford and Son

83. marathon on TV Land tonight.

84. What you say?

85. "I'm comin' to join you,

86. Elizabeth."

87. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

88. You're gonna wake up the kids.

89. Man, I'm sorry.

90. Kelly, what's really wrong

91. with you? You act like

92. you don't wanna go home.

93. Well, that's kind of

94. the thing, man.

95. I don't have a home

96. to go home to right now.

97. What?

98. Me and Daphne broke up.

99. Oh, man.

100. I'm sorry, man.

101. Why'd you not say nothin'?

102. We been here all night.

103. You ain't said a word, man.

104. We're boys. We're tight.

105. I'd have brought out

106. the good scotch.

107. But, hey, don't worry about it.

108. We'll talk about it

109. in the morning. Okay?

110. Okay.

111. Okay.

112. See ya.

113. Hey, uh,

114. would it bother you

115. if I slept in my car

116. on your driveway?

117. They kind of

118. hassle you if you park

119. in the street, man.

120. Morning, lover.

121. Whoo!

122. Bernie!

123. Oh, Wanda, baby, I'm sorry.

124. I was up with him

125. all last night.

126. Him and Daphne broke up.

127. Oh, no.

128. Is he okay?

129. I don't know.

130. I think he need to be

131. around friends.

132. Bernie,

133. I appreciate

134. what you're doing,

135. but...

136. just be careful.

137. You might not want to

138. get in the middle

139. of other people's business.

140. You know, these things

141. could get messy.

142. Baby, what you talkin'

143. about "messy"?

144. Kelly's my boy.

145. You just don't turn

146. your back on your boy.

147. This is the worst

148. I ever seen him.

149. I mean, last night he actually

150. cried in front of me.

151. Hmm.

152. America, there's only

153. three reasons to cry

154. in front of your boys.

155. The Bears lose the Super Bowl,

156. you put your dog to sleep,

157. and the kids leave home—

158. and that's tears of joy.

159. Where's Kelly?

160. He's still sleeping.

161. Still?

162. He's been sleeping all day.

163. And most of yesterday too.

164. I'm hungry.

165. Baby, I'm gonna go see

166. if he wanna join us. Okay?

167. Okay.

168. Oh, man.

169. It smells ripe up in here.

170. Something like

171. underarm or feet.

172. Kelly. Kelly, get up.

173. Rise and shine.

174. No.

175. Let's go. You've been sleeping

176. for two days. Come on.

177. Dinner almost ready.

178. I'm not hungry, man.

179. I don't care

180. if you ain't hungry.

181. You need nutrients.

182. Look at you. You're all

183. pale and everything.

184. Come on. Get up.

185. Come on.

186. Get up.

187. Wait. Hold on, hold on.

188. Where you going, Kelly?

189. Gonna take a leak.

190. You can't be walkin' around here

191. in your tighty-whiteys.

192. I got kids out here.

193. Kelly, what's wrong, man?

194. I could get you something else

195. if you don't like veal.

196. Daphne refuses to eat veal.

197. It upset her the way

198. they treat the baby cows.

199. She's so sensitive.

200. Baby cows?

201. I don't want to eat

202. baby cows.

203. Kelly, do you know how hard

204. it is to get these kids to eat?

205. - Who's Daphne anyways?

206. - That's none of

207. your business, baby.

208. No, no, no.

209. It's all right.

210. She's my girlfriend.

211. Well, was.

212. We broke up.

213. You got dumped, huh?

214. Hey, shut up,

215. before I stab your throat.

216. Now you go to your room.

217. No, it's all right, Bernie.

218. Let the boy stay.

219. I'll explain it to him.

220. Jordan, sometimes two people

221. just grow apart.

222. But that's okay.

223. 'Cause I'm a man.

224. The book is closed.

225. The chapter is over.

226. I'm done.

227. I'm moving on.

228. Whoo-hoo!

229. Okay, I feel better.

230. I— I feel good.

231. Okay.

232. You know, let's—

233. let's talk about

234. somebody else.

235. Mm-hmm.

236. How about you kids?

237. What do you like to do?

238. I like to watch TV.

239. Daphne has my TV.

240. Uncle Bernie,

241. you can send me

242. to my room now.

243. Yeah, we all gonna go.

244. Come on. Come on.

245. Just come on.

246. I'm sorry, America.

247. I didn't have the heart

248. to tell him...

249. to wait outside

250. while you and I, we talk.

251. But I gotta be honest with you,

252. he's a little pathetic.

253. I'm embarrassed for my friend.

254. He's become a shell of himself.

255. I'm not sure what to do.

256. Give it back!

257. No!

258. Can you kids keep it down

259. out there? I'm talkin'!

260. Damn kids.

261. Wait a minute.

262. I think I got it.

263. But we don't wanna.

264. Come on, gang.

265. Be a sport.

266. Jordan, show him that magic

267. trick, or do that thing with

268. your eyelids. Flip 'em over.

269. And, baby girl,

270. where your Barbie doll?

271. The man needs cheerin' up.

272. Help me out.

273. But he scares me.

274. He eats baby cows.

275. And he pees

276. with the door open.

277. For once in your life, think

278. about somebody beside yourself,

279. you ungrateful urchins.

280. Now I want you to

281. go over there

282. and show some love. Get.

283. I said get out!

284. But, baby, please.

285. No buts. You make me sick.

286. I need a man, not a child.

287. So leave!

288. Take your stupid clothes...

289. and your stupid comic books

290. and leave!

291. They're not stupid comic books.

292. They're collector's items.

293. And I love you.

294. I don't care.

295. I only love myself.

296. And I'm too selfish

297. to consider your needs.

298. I don't want to be alone.

299. Don't do this to me!

300. Get used to it!

301. And stop driving by my house!

302. I don't know

303. what to do, America.

304. I can't ask him to leave,

305. but Kelly's making

306. this house very

307. uncomfortable for everybody.

308. I'm sorry you gotta see this.

309. Kelly. Kelly.

310. Come here.

311. Pull yourself together, man.

312. I don't know what to do.

313. "I don't know what to do."

314. What about you start

315. acting like a man?

316. Shut up!

317. Tough love.

318. What?

319. Hmm.

320. Yeah, right.

321. What's happenin',

322. party people?

323. Ohh! Look at here, baby.

324. My man done showered.

325. Hey, Bernie,

326. I wanna thank you, man.

327. Our little conversation really

328. smacked me back into reality.

329. Know what I mean?

330. - Hey, man, we're boys.

331. - I don't know

332. what I was trippin' on.

333. - Why was I trippin'?

334. - Let's move on.

335. I was thinking, maybe I can

336. take the kids to Royal Burger,

337. make it up to 'em.

338. Kelly, um,

339. I— I— I don't know.

340. You and the kids actually

341. didn't— didn't click.

342. Baby?

343. Royal Burger! Royal Burger!

344. Yeah. I think

345. it'll be all right.

346. All right, my man.

347. Go and have some fun.

348. Appreciate that.

349. Hey, you need somethin'?

350. Nah, nah, nah.

351. I got this. Come on, y'all.

352. Let's go!

353. I'll run the bath.

354. I'll get the wine.

355. He poured cereal

356. in his cereal!

357. - I like to mix 'em.

358. - Do mine! Do mine!

359. - Yes, ma'am.

360. - Kids, skip chewing

361. and go straight to swallow.

362. - I got a business meeting.

363. I can't be late.

364. - You know what, Bernie?

365. What's that?

366. You go ahead, man.

367. I'll take 'em to school.

368. What?

369. And if you have errands you want

370. run, I'll take care of that.

371. I ain't got

372. nothing but time.

373. You're kidding me.

374. Come on.

375. I got a list right there.

376. Okay. Cool.

377. I got that.

378. Thank you, man.

379. Yeah, man. Hey, hey.

380. Can I pick them up

381. from school too?

382. - Let's stop there.

383. - Can I see Manny

384. and the Deep Blue Sea today?

385. Oh—

386. Please let me take them to

387. see that. Japanimation is dope.

388. Wow, man. I don't know

389. what to say, Kelly.

390. The last thing I want to do

391. is sit at a three-hour movie and

392. watch some singing jellyfish.

393. I got you, man.

394. Kelly, man. Thank you, man.

395. Not a problem.

396. Thank you.

397. You be good.

398. Yes, this is Bernie Mac,

399. and I need a tee time.

400. Oh, that's fine.

401. Thank you.

402. Hey, man.

403. Hey.

404. Thanks for letting me

405. crash here, man.

406. What?

407. What you talkin' about?

408. You leavin' already?

409. Well, I feel a little weird

410. staying here, man.

411. What you mean "weird," Kelly?

412. Come on, man.

413. I haven't been at my best.

414. I cried like a little girl

415. in front of your little girl.

416. That was a personal low.

417. I thought you said

418. your personal low was going

419. to see that jellyfish movie.

420. You're a funny guy.

421. Ain't no way.

422. I'm not gonna hear of it.

423. End of discussion.

424. You're stayin' right here.

425. Thanks, man. Thanks.

426. Ain't no problem.

427. Look here, I wanna talk to you

428. about a little somethin'.

429. Yeah?

430. You know that monologue

431. you was trying to show me?

432. No. Thank you.

433. And you can stay

434. as long as you like.

435. I mean, Bernie Mac has tapped

436. back into the life force,

437. if you know what I'm sayin'.

438. I didn't know that

439. Kelly was such a good live-in.

440. I mean maid.

441. Houseguest.

442. I mean, he's really good

443. with them kids too.

444. I wonder if he does windows.

445. Cleans toilets.

446. The way he's built

447. look like he...

448. used to pick cotton.

449. "And then they kissed.

450. "And the handsome prince

451. and the beautiful princess...

452. lived happily ever after."

453. Well, okay, y'all.

454. That's it.

455. Y'all got to go to sleep now.

456. Can you read one more?

457. Please?

458. Okay. One more.

459. All right? One more.

460. That was so cute.

461. Yeah. I bet it won't be cute

462. when they can't get up in

463. the morning. I'll bet you that.

464. What are you talking about?

465. I'm talking about Kelly.

466. He don't know

467. what he's doin', Wanda.

468. You gotta cut those kids off.

469. You gotta put your foot down.

470. Those kids gonna have him

471. reading all night. Watch.

472. Ooh. Well, it seemed like

473. they were enjoying it.

474. Yeah, right.

475. Yeah, they was enjoying it.

476. 'Cause they get to

477. stay up later.

478. Well, they enjoy me

479. out of one story. One.

480. You know why, Wanda?

481. 'Cause I do the voices.

482. I do all the voices.

483. He don't do the voices.

484. I do the voices.

485. You better do—

486. I do the voices.

487. Bernie, if I didn't know

488. any better, I would say

489. you were jealous.

490. Jealous?

491. I'm not jealous, America.

492. I got nothing against Kelly.

493. If he wants to read

494. to baby girl,

495. let him read to her.

496. He's just creating

497. more work for me

498. in the morning. That's all.

499. Reading to baby girl

500. is something

501. I always did though.

502. She likes it

503. when I do the voices.

504. Fee, fie—

505. Fee, fie—

506. She really like it...

507. when I do—

508. Oh, Lord.

509. Jordan.

510. There you are, son.

511. Coughing like a hyena.

512. Let me get your medicine

513. for you.

514. That's okay, Bernie.

515. I got it covered.

516. Oh— Oh— K-Kelly,

517. you better let me do this.

518. Thank you.

519. Okay.

520. Here, son,

521. take this right quick.

522. Here. Just a little bit.

523. Take it.

524. Good boy.

525. Go down real smooth.

526. Make you feel better.

527. Now I want you to

528. go back to bed, okay?

529. Thanks.

530. Good night, Uncle Kelly.

531. Night, little man.

532. You know, Kelly,

533. you really gotta

534. be careful with this.

535. Really.

536. Bernie, I wasn't trying to

537. step on your toes, man.

538. Yeah.

539. I mean, I— I was awake.

540. I heard him cough, and I didn't

541. want you to have to get up.

542. Kelly, this is

543. prescription medication.

544. It's not any cough drops.

545. You gotta make sure

546. he get the proper dosage.

547. You really got to be careful

548. with this.

549. America, is it just me,

550. or is Kelly being

551. a little presumptuous?

552. He seems to be dipping

553. in my business.

554. And I don't think

555. I'm being paranoid.

556. Now,

557. hold on.

558. I don't remember smoking that

559. cigar.

560. And my chair.

561. That's not my ass print.

562. Was Kelly talking

563. to you all, America?

564. See, only I talk to you.

565. Whose house does

566. he think this is?

567. This is Bernie Mac's house.

568. Hey, you know what?

569. I'm not mad at you.

570. Nah. I'm just disappointed

571. in you, America.

572. I thought me and you all

573. was tight.

574. Remember I told you it was

575. funky in here, America?

576. Well, it stinks now.

577. There are little alliances

578. forming all around here,

579. and I don't like it.

580. I don't know

581. what my role is anymore.

582. I mean, I don't know

583. how those kids see me.

584. Who am I

585. and what am I to them?

586. You're who

587. you've always been.

588. The enemy.

589. The Incredible Hulk.

590. Bigfoot.

591. The guy who

592. terrorizes me.

593. A big, fat pain in the—

594. Hey, hey, hey!

595. I know who you are.

596. You're Uncle Bernie.

597. Oh, thanks, baby girl.

598. Uncle Bernie Poo-Poo Head.

599. See, they see me

600. as the bad cop.

601. Kelly, the good cop.

602. Well, fine.

603. See, I can't afford

604. to be nice.

605. I got the responsibility

606. of raising those kids,

607. teaching them right from wrong.

608. Am I to blame

609. for being more mature?

610. More of an adult?

611. See, I could be

612. the good cop too.

613. But every time I try,

614. Kelly's always in the way,

615. cop-blocking me.

616. Man, he doesn't have

617. anything good.

618. All these are ancient.

619. Here. Why don't you

620. spin this?

621. - Hey, you like OutKast?

622. - Yep.

623. Hey. Hey, Kelly,

624. you tighten up that monologue

625. I was tellin' you about?

626. Oh, not yet.

627. I was planning on doin' that

628. a little bit later.

629. You know what?

630. I'm really kind of

631. worried about it.

632. You think you can, you know?

633. Yeah, I can do that.

634. Thanks, man.

635. Yeah, no problem.

636. Backgammon.

637. I'll play with you.

638. Wanna play?

639. That's all right.

640. Oh, man,

641. that was dirty.

642. I shouldn't have done that.

643. Yes, I should have.

644. I don't know.

645. America, Bernie Mac is torn.

646. Kelly's my boy, and I'm treating

647. him like a little flunky.

648. Oh, Bernie,

649. you— you ought to be

650. ashamed of yourself.

651. Uncle Kelly!

652. Uncle Kelly?

653. Ain't no Uncle Kelly.

654. It's Uncle Bernie.

655. Talking about Uncle Kelly.

656. Uncle Kelly, I threw up.

657. Can you help me clean it?

658. Use the pine-scented cleaner,

659. Uncle Kelly.

660. What?

661. Hey, why you all

662. in here watching TV?

663. I thought you were supposed

664. to be doing your homework.

665. We're watching PBS.

666. It's educational.

667. What?

668. Hey, who's up for a movie?

669. Yeah! I love movies!

670. Yes. Let's do it.

671. Anything you want to see.

672. Movie, movie, movie.

673. Here you go, dog.

674. See what I gotta

675. deal with, America?

676. Of course the kids like Kelly.

677. He's one of them.

678. He doesn't care

679. if they do their homework.

680. "Let's go to the movie,"

681. he says.

682. He panders to 'em.

683. That's what he does.

684. He gives them toys

685. to play with.

686. Why, I could be fun.

687. Uncle Bernie could be

688. a fun uncle.

689. Hey, kids!

690. Uncle Bernie's home.

691. Wanna have some fun?

692. Come on out.

693. Yeah, kids!

694. Hey, Nessa.

695. I got something in my teeth.

696. Excuse me.

697. Hey, Kelly.

698. What you doing taking people's

699. kids without their permission?

700. What the heck you thinkin'?

701. Hey, what's going on, man?

702. I-I thought we were boys.

703. Yeah, I thought we were boys.

704. What you trying to say?

705. What I'm trying to say, Kelly,

706. is there's a discrepancy, okay?

707. What kind of discrepancy

708. you talkin' about, Bernie?

709. Um, have you guys seen Bryana?

710. I thought she was with you.

711. She was standing right here

712. a second ago, man.

713. Look. You all go that way.

714. Come on.

715. [ Children Squealing,

716. Chattering ]

717. [ Video Game

718. Car Engine Revving ]

719. Hey, little girl.

720. What's your name?

721. Bryana!

722. It's okay, man.

723. She's with me.

724. It's okay, Bryana.

725. Your Uncle Kelly is here.

726. Come on.

727. Baby girl.

728. Uncle Bernie!

729. Hey. Hey, hey.

730. It's all right.

731. It's all right.

732. Uncle Bernie here now.

733. Wanna play some more games?

734. Wanna go home?

735. With you.

736. Look, America. If those kids

737. want my man Kelly to be their

738. fun uncle, that's fine with me.

739. He can be there

740. for all the fun and games.

741. 'Cause I'll be there

742. for everything else.

743. See, it's not important

744. that I be those kids' friend.

745. My job is to be their parent.

746. And let them know

747. that I'm there for them always.

748. And you know what else, America?

749. As important as it is

750. to be those kids' parents,

751. you gotta be

752. your friend's friend too.

753. Oh, hey, Kel. Hold it.

754. I wanna say something to you.

755. First of all,

756. I wanna say I'm sorry,

757. and I know I've been

758. acting a bit of an ass,

759. and you know what?

760. You're my friend.

761. And more important,

762. you're like my blood.

763. That means a lot

764. to me, Bernie.

765. You know I love you, man.

766. I love you too, man.

767. I'm sorry, Kel.

768. It's all good, man.

769. Hey, I-I know I stayed here

770. a little bit longer

771. than I planned.

772. No, no.

773. But it's cool.

774. You ain't gotta sweat it.

775. I found a place.

776. Oh, you did?

777. Yeah. I'm moving on Monday.

778. Look here, you can

779. stay here until Monday.

780. Nah, that's okay.

781. You got the kids and everything.

782. Plus I need to be able to stay

783. someplace where I can be a slob

784. and walk around in my drawers.

785. Hey, you all packed, dog?

786. Yeah.

787. Let's do it.

788. Look, look, look. Look it, man.

789. Stupid game.

790. Oh, this is a good game now.

791. Yeah. Let the kids see me now.

792. Look it.

793. Yeah. Look at me now, kids.

794. Wheel-O!

795. This game don't make

796. no doggone sense, but—

797. I'm a man.