The Bernie Mac Show 1x2

Directed by Ken Kwapis

Reginald Ballard as W.B. • Michael Ralph as Kelly • Carlos Mencia as Chuy • Meagen Fay as Joan Lefko • Philip Bolden as Little Boy

Bernie's desperate to get away to Vegas with his frineds, but Bryana's birthday and the germ infested children that it causes make it a difficulty.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Yeah, I'm sick.

2. I'm sick as a dog.

3. I can't even taste my cigar.

4. You know what?

5. I didn't even see it comin'.

6. How could I?

7. Man, I ain't been sick in years.

8. The last time I was sick,

9. the Ohio Players had a hit.

10. You know.

11. You know.

12. It's those doggone kids.

13. Oh, I know what you're sayin'.

14. "Bernie Mac, kids so cute

15. and cuddly." Not to me.

16. They're nasty, dirty,

17. disease-carrying midgets,

18. like rats.

19. Only different— no tails,

20. and their teeth not as sharp.

21. Hey, the only reason

22. I'm talkin' about 'em so bad...

23. is because

24. they ruined my plan.

25. All I wanted to do

26. was to go to Vegas.

27. Y'all tryin' to box, man?

28. You got kids now.

29. Bernie, I'm goin' to bed.

30. Oh. Showtime over.

31. No, no, no, no.

32. I'm goin' to bed

33. because I'm tired.

34. You finish up your game,

35. Mr. Bachelor.

36. And when you become

37. a daddy again,

38. don't forget to mail

39. those invitations for

40. Bryana's birthday party.

41. Drop it like

42. it's hot, baby.

43. Ooh.

44. Birthday party?

45. Yeah.

46. It's over for you, man.

47. What you mean by that?

48. You ain't comin'

49. to Vegas.

50. What?

51. You got kids with germs

52. and all kinds of craziness

53. comin' in your house.

54. First of all, man,

55. it ain't even like that.

56. My immune system

57. got me through the '80s.

58. Okay?

59. And second of all, man,

60. Bernie Mac don't get sick.

61. Yeah.

62. Yeah, hey, Bernie Mac

63. don't get sick.

64. Huh!

65. Tell 'em, big fella.

66. Oh, really?

67. Ten bucks...

68. says super Mac gets sick.

69. You playin' with

70. your light bill, huh?

71. Oh! Hey!

72. Wait a minute.

73. I got a little action on that.

74. Twenty bucks say Bernie Mac

75. don't make it to Vegas

76. because he's sick, huh?

77. First of all— hold it— you

78. always cosign everything this

79. brother say... all the time.

80. Second of all,

81. it's not even like that.

82. It's gonna be a family thing.

83. A small—

84. A few of Bryana's friends

85. gonna be over.

86. That's it. That's all.

87. Mr. Mac? Hi!

88. Yes?

89. Sorry to bother you.

90. Hi.

91. Bryana tells me

92. that she's having a party...

93. and that you

94. wouldn't let her

95. invite her whole class.

96. Bryana, you said that?

97. You rat on me like that?

98. I didn't say that, ma'am.

99. No, I didn't.

100. You can't do that.

101. Pardon?

102. If you invite one child

103. from the class,

104. you have to invite

105. the whole class.

106. But you knew that,

107. right?

108. So you're saying

109. that if I invite one child,

110. I have to invite

111. all these germy, nasty,

112. filthy little kids

113. to the party, right?

114. Yeah.

115. Oh, right, right.

116. Listen, I took

117. the liberty of inviting

118. everyone for you.

119. Okay?

120. "Took the liberty—"

121. Fine. They all can come.

122. But I'm gonna

123. tell you one thing.

124. If one of those kids cough

125. and doesn't cover their mouth,

126. I should have the right

127. to pop 'em upside the head.

128. Hold on.

129. I didn't say I would do it.

130. I said I should have the right.

131. Puttin' these nasty germs on me.

132. Bryana's told me so much

133. about your Kristen.

134. We'll have to get together

135. for lunch sometime.

136. Oh, I would love that.

137. That would be good, yeah.

138. There you go.

139. Achoo!

140. Sweetheart, let me

141. get this right here.

142. Thank you.

143. I think everybody's ready

144. for cake now, Bernie.

145. The name is Mr. Mac to

146. you son, okay? Say it.

147. Mr. Mac.

148. Thank you.

149. Whoo! One more!

150. One more! One more!

151. Okay,

152. get over there.

153. Can I do it?

154. Yeah, go ahead.

155. Give your girlfriend

156. a high five.

157. There you go.

158. There you go,

159. Bryana and Lori. Okay.

160. Hit it! Hit it! Oh!

161. Whoo!

162. Here come the cake.

163. Cake time!

164. Step up and blow 'em out,

165. baby girl.

166. Blow 'em out!

167. Oh, Lord Jesus, no.

168. Bernie?

169. Huh?

170. What's wrong?

171. Baby, don't go

172. in there, please.

173. Oh, Bernie.

174. They got Ebola.

175. I know what's goin' on.

176. Come here.

177. See, they got sick on purpose.

178. Doin' everything they can

179. to keep me from goin' to Vegas.

180. Probably was Vanessa's idea.

181. Mm-hmm.

182. Hmm. 101!

183. My poor babies.

184. Bernie, would you help me here?

185. Mm-mm— Uh, yeah.

186. Take your temperature, boy.

187. I feel great!

188. - Are you sure?

189. - Mm-hmm.

190. If you're not gonna come here,

191. run Jordan to school,

192. and I'll stay here

193. with the girls

194. till you get back.

195. Okay. Come on, boy.

196. Makin' me miss

197. Regis and Kelly.

198. You know I like

199. to watch TV this time of day.

200. Sorry.

201. Uh-oh.

202. What, you forgot somethin'?

203. Oh, Lord Jesus, no!

204. Jordan, don't lay in it!

205. Stop layin' in it!

206. I'm talkin' about

207. 20-02 Escalade.

208. Cadillac.

209. You'd be mad too.

210. Still had the new car smell

211. and everything.

212. Plush interior,

213. calf leather seats.

214. Diamond in the back.

215. You know the rest.

216. Little liar.

217. Said he didn't eat

218. my pork chop.

219. That's my boy.

220. Take it like a man!

221. Like a man!

222. Go ahead.

223. Make fun of me.

224. Say I look silly.

225. So what?

226. Sticks and stones may—

227. Uncle Bernie, I'm cold!

228. I'll be right back.

229. Uncle Bernie—

230. Uncle Bernie, I'm cold.

231. You ain't cold, boy.

232. That's just your chill

233. fightin' your fever.

234. Yeah, okay.

235. Yeah, where was I?

236. Oh, yeah.

237. Sticks and stones.

238. I bet you won't

239. be laughin' at me

240. when I be in Vegas,

241. chillin' at the roulette table.

242. I bet you that.

243. I bet you won't be—

244. Uncle Bernie, you left

245. the thermometer in my mouth!

246. Hold on one minute.

247. - That's a good look for you.

248. - Actually, I got it

249. from your Aunt Wanda, baby,

250. if it's any of your business.

251. Okay, here you go.

252. Here you go, my man.

253. Would you tell him

254. to get me a juice?

255. Uncle Bernie,

256. could you get Vanessa a juice?

257. I'm sittin' right here.

258. Why didn't you ask me when I

259. was in here a minute ago?

260. Tell him I

261. wasn't thirsty then.

262. She said she

263. wasn't thirsty then.

264. I heard her.

265. Ask her, what did I

266. do to her to make her

267. talk to me like she do?

268. What? You can't talk

269. to me directly?

270. - You're the one talkin'

271. to your brother.

272. - I'm just messin' with you.

273. Damn, girl, you make

274. me sick every doggone day.

275. You make me sick!

276. Oh, boy. You—

277. Uncle Bernie,

278. I need a cough drop!

279. And ask him

280. where my juice is!

281. Where's Vanessa's juice?

282. A few minutes.

283. Juice!

284. Hey, wait.

285. Where's my cough drop?

286. Oh, man!

287. Oh, no!

288. Yeah, I know

289. what you're thinkin'.

290. "Bernie, why you so dramatic?"

291. Dramatic? If you never been

292. to Vegas with the boys,

293. I can't explain it to you.

294. Only thing I can say to you—

295. Viva Las Vegas, baby!

296. Uncle Bernie, I had a B.M.,

297. and I threw up!

298. Oh, I'm sick of this.

299. Ooh.

300. That's most of it.

301. Now for you.

302. Hop in the tub

303. so I can hose you down.

304. Ready for the day, Bernie.

305. Ah. Ah.

306. Tongue's same color.

307. Lymph "nods"

308. really looking good.

309. Eyes not bloodshot.

310. Good boy. Good boy.

311. Yep. Now I got it.

312. Y'all saw me.

313. I was careful.

314. I used all the precautions.

315. It's those doggone kids.

316. I should've laminated

317. those doggone kids.

318. What the heck was I thinkin'?

319. But that's okay.

320. Now my boys are goin'

321. to Vegas without me.

322. But all Bernie Mac gotta do

323. is get a little rest.

324. A little shut-eye,

325. catch the red-eye.

326. A little shut-eye,

327. baby, Bernie Mac

328. can catch the red-eye.

329. The kids are feelin' better,

330. so I'll run them to school,

331. so you have nothing

332. to worry about.

333. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

334. I'll come home early

335. to check on you,

336. bring you some ginger ale with

337. all the bubbles stirred out.

338. That'll settle your stomach.

339. I know, baby.

340. I know.

341. What can the mama do?

342. Can you rub some of that

343. on my chest?

344. I wouldn't ask you—

345. That's okay. The baby.

346. The mama, little baby.

347. No, sir! No, sir!

348. You all not gonna watch her

349. rub that stuff on my chest.

350. Uh-uh. Ain't nothin' sacred

351. between man and wife?

352. Y'all just nosy. Always wanna be

353. in somebody's business.

354. Oh, honey, Bryana's

355. feeling a little feverish.

356. Are you well enough

357. to keep an eye on her?

358. I'm gonna leave her at home.

359. Aunt Wanda, I can stay home

360. and watch Bryana if you want.

361. - I mean, it's not a problem.

362. - Oh, no, no.

363. Nice try, baby girl.

364. You just tryin'

365. to get out of school.

366. I'll be all right.

367. You go on to school.

368. Let's go.

369. Jordan!

370. Uncle Bernie,

371. will you play with me?

372. Bryana, Uncle Bernie tired.

373. Can you play by yourself today?

374. Okay. I'll get the scissors.

375. No! No, baby,

376. don't get no scissors.

377. I'll play with you, okay?

378. For just 10 minutes.

379. This is Chrissy,

380. and yours is Cindy.

381. All right.

382. I'm going to the store.

383. Do you wanna go?

384. - Mm-mmm.

385. - No, Uncle Bernie.

386. Not like that.

387. You have to hold her up.

388. Okay. Let's go to the store.

389. No.

390. No, Uncle Bernie.

391. - You have to talk like Cindy.

392. - [ High-pitched Voice ] No!

393. You have to say yes,

394. Uncle Bernie.

395. Yes!

396. Okay.

397. Let's go to the store.

398. All right.

399. No, Uncle Bernie,

400. she doesn't walk like that.

401. She walks like this.

402. Okay, Bryana.

403. Like this.

404. Okay. But, Bryana,

405. Uncle Bernie,

406. he's too old

407. to play with dolls.

408. Can we play

409. something else, baby?

410. I'm gonna read to you

411. and make you feel all better.

412. That'd be nice,

413. baby girl.

414. But first, Uncle Bernie

415. gonna take a nap for one hour.

416. Just one hour.

417. And then you can read,

418. we play dollies,

419. whatever else

420. you wanna do, okay?

421. Okay.

422. Good.

423. But first,

424. I'll read to you.

425. Once upon a time,

426. there was

427. a beautiful princess...

428. who lived in a big,

429. beautiful, purple castle.

430. It was orange too.

431. She had 13 dogs

432. and eight cats...

433. and no birds.

434. And what else

435. there happened—

436. The— The bear

437. died anyway, because—

438. The bear dies, because

439. if he lives somewhere—

440. if he lives somewhere,

441. he would, um—

442. He would not—

443. he wouldn't die.

444. If he wouldn't live nowhere,

445. he would die.

446. Whew.

447. The bear—

448. Man, I-I don't know

449. how much more I can take.

450. America, I'm sorry.

451. This girl about

452. to drive me crazy.

453. I didn't know she knew

454. that many words.

455. The door was locked.

456. Y'all got to pray for me.

457. You gotta pray for me.

458. I think she's through.

459. Uncle Bernie! Uncle Bernie!

460. Why are you crying?

461. Oh, Bryana,

462. girl,

463. it's only 10:00

464. in the mornin'.

465. I know.

466. Let's play parade again.

467. No. I don't wanna

468. play no parade.

469. Hey, I got a idea.

470. Come on, sit with

471. Uncle Bernie right quick. Oh!

472. I got a idea.

473. Let's play hide-and-seek.

474. Yea!

475. Okay, you hide,

476. and I'll come look for you.

477. I'll count to 100, okay?

478. Okay.

479. Okay. One, two, three—

480. Hide good, now.

481. Oh! One,

482. two—

483. Oh, Bryana, Bryana.

484. Baby girl, I'm sorry

485. I didn't come lookin'

486. for you, okay?

487. You hurt my feelings,

488. Uncle Bernie.

489. Oh, Bryana,

490. you the last person

491. I wanna hurt.

492. I just had to

493. get some rest.

494. I was tryin' to get better

495. so I can go to Vegas. Hey.

496. Hey, baby girl,

497. you see this timer?

498. It's set for one hour.

499. In one hour, you gonna hear

500. "ding, ding."

501. When you hear "ding, ding,"

502. you and me can play

503. all you want.

504. Before "ding, ding," me.

505. After "ding, ding," you.

506. Okay?

507. Okay.

508. Say, "Ding, ding."

509. Ding, ding.

510. Girl, that's it.

511. Bryana, come here,

512. baby girl!

513. I can't, Uncle Bernie.

514. You need to get your rest.

515. Never mind that. Listen.

516. Go into the hall closet,

517. get me some toilet tissue

518. and throw it to me, okay?

519. Hurry up.

520. It's important.

521. I can't, Uncle Bernie.

522. It didn't go "ding, ding."

523. Ding, ding, baby girl!

524. Ding, ding!

525. Hurry up now!

526. Uncle Bernie,

527. did you have a B.M.,

528. or are you "frowning" up?

529. Hurry, hurry up!

530. Come on, Bryana, hurry up!

531. I can't reach it.

532. Okay, listen,

533. listen, listen.

534. Go in the kitchen,

535. pour yourself some juice,

536. and stay in the kitchen

537. and drink it, okay?

538. Okay.

539. All right. Hurry up,

540. baby girl! Hurry up!

541. You drinkin' your juice?

542. I drank it.

543. All right.

544. Get yourself another one.

545. Aw. I'm so glad

546. he got his rest.

547. Shh. Come on.

548. Let's let them sleep.

549. I'll take you to get

550. some tacos.

551. You like tacos?

552. I don't know.

553. You don't?

554. No.

555. Wanda! Wanda! Wanda!

556. Wanda! Wanda.

557. Wanda.

558. Uncle Bernie,

559. do you remember

560. you told us...

561. not to throw anything

562. on the floor...

563. or we might break something?

564. - Yeah.

565. - Chrissy didn't listen.

566. Maybe we should give her

567. a time-out.

568. Okay.

569. Grown-ups shouldn't

570. be left alone

571. with kids all day.

572. It ain't right.

573. It's not natural,

574. like fish flyin',

575. birds in the sea.

576. It's my kin,

577. my flesh and blood.

578. But I'm gonna say it.

579. You ain't gonna like it.

580. She's boring, dull,

581. dull as a rock.

582. This was the dullest day

583. of my life.

584. Had I spent another day with,

585. another minute,

586. I probably would've, uh—

587. Uncle Bernie,

588. you hurt my feelings.

589. I'm— Come here, baby girl.

590. Come sit with me

591. for a while.

592. Oh, Bryana.

593. I'm sorry.

594. You know what?

595. I appreciate you takin' care

596. of your Uncle Bernie

597. like you did today, okay?

598. Okay.

599. Now do me a favor.

600. Go in the kitchen,

601. make yourself

602. somethin' to drink.

603. I gotta finish

604. talkin' to America

605. right now. Okay?

606. Okay.

607. Okay. Mm! I love you.

608. She's still dull, boring.

609. Anyway,

610. I didn't get no better.

611. Didn't even get a chance

612. to go to Vegas.

613. But I did get a chance

614. to play blackjack.

615. Hit me.

616. Uncle Bernie,

617. you can't hit on a 20.

618. He's stupid.

619. Hit me.

620. Once upon a time, there was

621. a beautiful princess...

622. who lived in a big,

623. beautiful, purple castle—

624. it was orange too.

625. She had 13 dogs

626. and eight cats

627. and no birds.

628. What color was it,

629. purple or orange?

630. It was—

631. It was purple.

632. Just makin' up stuff.

633. You did that.

634. You can't read.