The Bernie Mac Show 1x19

Billy Crystal as Self • Mary Boucher as Sister Arlene • Carol Kiernan as Sister Mary

Bernie takes Jordan to a Clippers' game but tells Wanda that Jordan has had an asthma attack and had to go to the hospital. Wanda tries to help Jordan 'feel better'. He feels guilty and asks Bernie if he can admit his wrongdoing. Bernie explains that it is occasionaly ok to lie, but Jordan takes it to a whole new level. He manipulates his sisters, aunt, school, and even Bernie. When the family has dinner a slew of lies are admitted by everyone in the family.

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1. Captioning sponsored by

2. and REGENCY TELEVISION

3. America, Bernie Mac is tired.

4. I mean dead tired.

5. See, I've been on the road

6. for a whole week.

7. Sleeping on planes,

8. in hotel rooms

9. on lumpy, nasty,

10. mite-ridden beds

11. where your feet hang off,

12. your toes get cold.

13. That ain't no way to live,

14. America.

15. So now that I'm back at home

16. all I want to do is crawl

17. into my bed.

18. My bed.

19. I'm talking about an extra

20. thick Posturepedic

21. with a feather bed, 1,200-thread

22. count Pratesi sheets.

23. So warm and comfy, the closest

24. thing you can get to a womb.

25. I just want to thank

26. all the geese

27. that made this night's

28. rest possible.

29. Thank you.

30. The bed again?

31. Yeah, baby.

32. This doggone bed been giving me

33. nothing but trouble.

34. What you so dirty for?

35. Ooh, I finally planted

36. my cherry tree.

37. It is so beautiful, Bernie.

38. I was just waiting for

39. the right time of the year.

40. That's great, Wanda.

41. I know how excited you are.

42. I know how much

43. it meant to you, so...

44. I'm going to hop in the shower.

45. Get dressed.

46. We're meeting the Richters

47. for dinner at 7:00.

48. Bernie, did you

49. hear what I said?

50. Yeah, baby, I heard you.

51. I didn't know we got to meet

52. the Richters tonight.

53. I thought it was Sunday.

54. No, Sunday I got to go

55. to Bryana's play.

56. I missed that last week,

57. remember?

58. Baby, I'm too tired, Wanda.

59. I'm tired.

60. Bernie, what do you have

61. against the Richters?

62. The only thing more boring than

63. the Richters is Bryana's play.

64. No, I take that back.

65. Nothing is more boring

66. than the Richters.

67. Even if I had the strength

68. I couldn't take

69. that boring couple.

70. I ain't got nothing against

71. the Richters

72. but eight shows

73. in seven nights...

74. I'm exhausted.

75. I just ain't got nothing left.

76. Fine.

77. I'll reschedule.

78. Thank you, baby.

79. Ain't nothing getting me

80. out this bed tonight.

81. I'm tired.

82. Yeah. Mac.

83. What you doing calling

84. at this ungodly hour?

85. Clippers tickets?

86. Michael Jordan

87. and the Wizards, huh?

88. Well...

89. If I go to the game,

90. Wanda gonna kill me.

91. But if I miss a chance

92. to see the greatest

93. basketball player of all time

94. I'm going to kill myself.

95. It's a difficult choice.

96. Michael Jordan or my marriage.

97. My marriage or Michael Jordan.

98. Jordan...

99. Jordan?

100. Hey, Jordan!

101. Yeah.

102. I'll be dead tomorrow.

103. See ya.

104. Jordan. Jordan...

105. I want you to fake

106. an asthma attack.

107. Start wheezing.

108. Why? There's

109. no school tomorrow.

110. No, boy, I want you

111. to do it

112. so we can go to

113. the Clippers' game.

114. Be our little secret.

115. Start wheezing.

116. You want me to throw up, too?

117. I can have a seizure.

118. No, Jordan, wheeze.

119. Want me to swallow my tongue?

120. No!

121. Ow!

122. Oh, Lord!

123. Boy, good, good.

124. Oh, Lord!

125. I'm going to run him

126. to the E.R., baby.

127. Let me take him; I

128. know how tired you are.

129. This is my blood, baby.

130. And blood's more

131. important than sleep.

132. Do you have your keys?

133. Yeah.

134. Watch his head!

135. You know what else was great?

136. The giant television screen.

137. I've never been on TV before.

138. You think I'm going

139. to be a star?

140. Not after you put your finger

141. all the way up your nose.

142. You was all the way up

143. to the second knuckle.

144. You know what else was huge?

145. The players,

146. they were like giants.

147. Why didn't they let

148. the white guys play?

149. I don't know, son.

150. But you got to get rid

151. of that program.

152. It's incriminating evidence.

153. Get rid of that.

154. Hey! Hey! Jordan,

155. what you doing?

156. But you said I should...

157. I'm getting ready

158. to go to a trash can.

159. Boy, you know,

160. you're a trip.

161. I guess as long as

162. you had fun, huh?

163. Yeah.

164. But you know what was

165. my favorite part though?

166. What?

167. How upset you were

168. when they said Michael

169. Jordan wasn't playing.

170. You almost cried.

171. No, I wasn't upset.

172. No, I wasn't.

173. "Oh, Lord!"

174. No, that...

175. that's what I did?

176. What'd I do?

177. What'd I do?

178. Oh, Lord!

179. Oh, Lord!

180. Like that.

181. Let's move on.

182. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

183. Hold on, hold on.

184. Hello?

185. Hey, baby.

186. Yeah, he's fine.

187. Little congested.

188. Yeah, nothing serious.

189. They took some X rays

190. and everything

191. but he's going to be fine.

192. Yeah, we're on our way home.

193. Okay.

194. All right, sweetheart.

195. Bye-bye.

196. You can stop now,

197. Jordan.

198. No... choking.

199. Oh, oh, Jordan.

200. You all right?

201. Oh, come on now, don't look

202. at me like that, America.

203. I mean, the boy was just

204. choking on a pretzel.

205. That could've happened anywhere.

206. Am I wrong, Billy?

207. Billy was at the game.

208. He saw the game.

209. The boy had a good time.

210. Tell them, Billy.

211. No, it's true.

212. Hi, how you doing?

213. I was sitting just a few

214. rows in front of them.

215. You really got to get

216. some courtside seats.

217. My friend, he called me

218. at the last minute.

219. Yeah, but you're

220. sitting way back.

221. And he lied to me.

222. Yeah, but I'm sitting

223. in the front row.

224. I had two rebounds

225. and an assist.

226. You know, you're way,

227. way back there.

228. Anyway, they were

229. having a great time.

230. It was kind of beautiful

231. you know, a boy and

232. his father figure, right?

233. What could be more

234. American than that?

235. You see.

236. You see, that's what

237. I'm talking about, Billy.

238. See, that... see,

239. that ain't no big deal.

240. I had the boy fake

241. a little asthma attack.

242. No big deal.

243. Wait, wait, wait...

244. You had him fake

245. an asthma attack?

246. He do it all

247. the time, Billy.

248. You don't know him.

249. I don't understand this.

250. You had him fake an illness

251. so you could go

252. to a Clipper game?

253. I just had him

254. do the wheezing.

255. I didn't let him

256. swallow his tongue.

257. Oh, that's so big of you.

258. For a Clipper game?

259. What happens if they

260. make the playoffs?

261. What do you do then,

262. you stop his heart?

263. I mean asthma's not a funny

264. thing, Bernie, you know.

265. I had asthma

266. when I was a kid.

267. I mean, you know, as a boy

268. in New York, and I started

269. you know, getting excited

270. about things

271. and before I know it,

272. I'm in Phoenix

273. you know, 'cause it's dry.

274. Let's move on, Billy.

275. And then, you know,

276. it's not funny.

277. And I'd be in class,

278. and I'd get agitated

279. and I'd start... oh, here...

280. I'd start to...

281. Put it in your book.

282. Anyway, America.

283. It's not funny.

284. I had a good time.

285. The boy had a...

286. The boy had a good time.

287. And I just got to...

288. I need my...

289. I need my Breathaly...

290. Not funny, man.

291. It's one last hurdle.

292. Comedy is not funny.

293. Not funny.

294. You taking it... you're

295. going over the hill with...

296. You're going over the

297. hill with that, Billy.

298. He do...

299. I just want... he do her,

300. he don't never do her.

301. He always...

302. Cut the camera off.

303. Cut the camera off.

304. Help me.

305. Bernie,

306. I was so worried.

307. Shh! He's sleeping.

308. But he's fine.

309. Doctor told me

310. to keep him level.

311. There you go, America,

312. the perfect crime.

313. Oh, don't look at me like that.

314. It was victimless.

315. No one got hurt.

316. As long as Wanda never find out,

317. no one will.

318. Here you go, sweetie.

319. I thought you would

320. enjoy these.

321. Double-fudge brownies!

322. You thought right.

323. What's wrong, Aunt Wanda?

324. Jordan, I was

325. so scared last night.

326. About what?

327. All I could think about

328. was you in the emergency room

329. not being able to breathe.

330. Oh, you don't have

331. to worry, I'm fine.

332. I've been told I have

333. the lung capacity

334. of someone ten times my age.

335. You're such a brave

336. little soldier.

337. You relax and I'll fix

338. your favorite dinner.

339. But why?

340. Because Dark Deception is

341. R-rated, restricted.

342. No one under 17 admitted

343. without a parent.

344. And Aunt Wanda and I

345. already saw it.

346. End of discussion,

347. Nessa.

348. I can't believe you.

349. What's the problem, baby?

350. In four years,

351. you'll be able to rent it.

352. Give you something

353. to look forward to.

354. Uncle Bernie.

355. Yeah?

356. You know, our secret?

357. I've been thinking

358. maybe we should tell

359. Aunt Wanda the truth.

360. He too doggone young

361. to have a conscious.

362. She was really worried

363. about me last night.

364. It made me feel bad.

365. Jordan, I don't want

366. you to feel bad.

367. The last thing

368. I want you to do

369. is worry about Aunt Wanda.

370. See, sometimes

371. in order for us to

372. have a little fun

373. we have to... bend

374. the truth a little bit.

375. You mean lie?

376. No.

377. Uh-uh, I don't mean lie.

378. I mean bend the truth.

379. There's a difference.

380. See, we sometimes let off

381. steam in a manly way

382. like basketball.

383. And, see, your Aunt

384. Wanda, she's a woman.

385. And see, women,

386. they're different.

387. They're more sensitive.

388. That's why they cry at

389. movies and commercials

390. and stuff like that.

391. You cried during

392. The Lion King.

393. I didn't cry,

394. I was thinking

395. about something sad

396. like what would happen to you

397. if you were to tell Aunt Wanda

398. about this basketball business.

399. And besides, you don't

400. want to hurt Aunt Wanda's

401. feelings, do you?

402. Last thing you want to do

403. is make her cry, Jordan.

404. Yeah.

405. I think you need to

406. really forget about this

407. telling Aunt Wanda

408. business, okay?

409. Okay, I guess.

410. Okay, good. And remember,

411. we're not lying

412. we're bending the truth

413. just to get what we want.

414. Right.

415. Oh, I don't care what

416. you're thinking, America.

417. It's not like I taught the boy

418. how to boost a car or anything.

419. This is harmless.

420. Just a little black boy

421. telling a little black lie.

422. No harm, no foul.

423. You grownups,

424. y'all do it every day.

425. Get out my face.

426. Bryana, stop!

427. What?

428. Those cookies are spoiled.

429. If you eat them, they'll

430. have to take you away

431. in an ambulance and

432. pump your stomach.

433. But I already ate one.

434. Hurry, go to the bathroom

435. and brush your teeth!

436. Hurry! There's still time!

437. Hurry! Hurry!

438. Uncle Bernie said you

439. were supposed to wash

440. these dishes.

441. What? That's not my job.

442. I'm going to Shannon's.

443. I heard him talking

444. to Aunt Wanda.

445. He said he'd come over

446. there and get you.

447. If I were you,

448. I'd get it over with.

449. Fine. Better washing dishes

450. than him embarrassing me

451. in front of my friends

452. with his big dumb mouth.

453. Yep.

454. Oh, Mr. Mac.

455. Hi, Sister Arlene.

456. Mary. How are you?

457. We're fine.

458. We're fine.

459. We just wanted to know

460. how your wife was feeling.

461. My wife is fine, why?

462. Oh, Jordan's been

463. quite upset

464. about his aunt's

465. sudden illness.

466. Sudden illness?

467. We just wanted you to know

468. that we were aware of it.

469. Oh, and I've told

470. the other teachers

471. not to assign

472. any homework

473. as long as

474. the crisis exists.

475. Crisis?

476. Jordan has got enough

477. on his mind.

478. Sisters, thank you.

479. Lying to a nun.

480. Saying his aunt's sick.

481. He's the one about to be sick.

482. Going to contract a sudden case

483. of "ass-us beat-us red-us."

484. That's Latin for I'm going

485. to whup his ass till it glows.

486. I'm pissed, America.

487. And I ain't lying.

488. Uncle Bernie,

489. you stepped on Powerman.

490. What's your Powerman

491. doing on the floor?

492. I thought I told you

493. to clean this mess up.

494. Hold your horses,

495. I'm watching television.

496. "Hold my horses?"

497. Boy, I'm about ready

498. to go Clydesdale

499. on you.

500. What's up, guys? Hey.

501. Hey.

502. Nothing. Uncle Bernie's just

503. helping me practice my shot.

504. Swish.

505. Yeah, I was... uh, fouling him.

506. Uncle Bernie

507. would it be okay if I cleaned up

508. this mess after the TV show?

509. No, I want you to clean

510. your mess up now, Jordan.

511. Swish!

512. The boy isn't just evil,

513. he's an evil genius.

514. A little black Lex Luthor.

515. He really got some dirt on me.

516. This is blaxploitation,

517. I'm telling you, America.

518. Blaxploitation.

519. This ain't nothing but

520. some blaxploitation.

521. Huh, he's good.

522. This damn bed.

523. Bernie!

524. Yo.

525. Did you tell the gardeners

526. to cut down my cherry tree?

527. No, Wan,

528. of course I didn't.

529. Well, they did.

530. And they are gone first

531. thing in the morning.

532. Oh, baby, just chill.

533. Now, go in there and get you

534. a glass of wine, just relax.

535. It's probably

536. a misunderstanding.

537. No, it was a misunderstanding

538. when they killed my azaleas.

539. This is unforgivable.

540. They are gone.

541. End of discussion.

542. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

543. Speaking of your foliage, okay

544. Christina called talking

545. about your eyebrow appointment

546. at 6:00, or something

547. like that, tonight.

548. Tonight?

549. Tonight.

550. But I'm supposed to be going

551. to Bryana's play tonight.

552. Oh, this is

553. just a bad day.

554. Well, I mean, just call

555. and reschedule, baby.

556. Quit tripping.

557. Reschedule? You can't

558. reschedule with Christina.

559. She's booked

560. months in advance.

561. Oh, stop it.

562. Now, that's just

563. totally ridiculous.

564. You talking about

565. waxing some eyebrow.

566. How difficult is it,

567. waxing some eyebrows?

568. You give me some candles,

569. tweezers and a razor blade

570. lie across the bed...

571. I'll hook you up, baby.

572. Pluck it out...

573. I'll call and reschedule.

574. You know, you look kind of sexy

575. when you're dirty.

576. Whatever.

577. Baby girl, have you

578. been jumping on my bed?

579. No, Uncle Bernie,

580. it wasn't me.

581. Oh...

582. I guess you're here

583. for your last check, huh?

584. Mr. Mac, we are very sorry

585. we cut your tree.

586. Yeah... I bet next time you'll

587. be a little careful, won't you?

588. Si, but your son

589. told Luis that you

590. wanted it down.

591. I'll see you next week.

592. Don't worry about it.

593. Oh, baby girl,

594. I can't get over

595. how wonderful you

596. were in that play.

597. Thank you.

598. You're welcome.

599. And you were so talented.

600. And by far

601. the prettiest one up there.

602. It just made

603. my heart soar.

604. Yeah, I know what

605. you did, Jordan.

606. I know it was you.

607. It was you that cut

608. down that cherry tree.

609. Jordan, you're trying

610. to punk me.

611. I'm going to let you know

612. I'm unpunkable, okay?

613. Uncle Bernie,

614. I need a haircut.

615. Do you have any clippers?

616. No, I don't have any clippers.

617. But I'd be more than happy

618. to take you to the barber

619. shop next to the bakery.

620. You know the bakery, son...

621. the one that

622. sells cherry pies.

623. I like the name Michael

624. and the like the name Jordan.

625. Michael... Jordan.

626. Michael Jordan.

627. What do you think, Uncle Bernie?

628. I think I ought

629. to punch you...

630. That boy must be crazy—

631. playing tit-for-tat with me.

632. Bernie Mac don't play

633. no tit-for-tat

634. with no eight-year-old.

635. He think he smart?

636. He don't know

637. who he's dealing with.

638. I'll beat that boy

639. by being a bigger man.

640. I'm going to screw him

641. by being honest.

642. I'm a top-thologist

643. when it come to bull.

644. You went to the Clipper game?

645. Jordan cut down

646. your cherry tree.

647. Stool pigeon.

648. You did what?

649. You know

650. how excited I was about

651. that little tree.

652. Why did you do that?

653. Well, I was playing NFL

654. with a friend

655. and every time one of us

656. would go out for a pass

657. that stupid cherry tree

658. got in our way.

659. So, I kind of told

660. the gardeners that Uncle Bernie

661. wanted them to cut it down.

662. I fired our gardeners

663. for nothing.

664. Yeah, and they got families,

665. big ones.

666. Oh, stop it, America.

667. Check the census.

668. This boy's a bad apple—

669. a rotten one.

670. Yeah, that fell from

671. the Bernie Mac tree.

672. Hey...

673. She's right.

674. Bernie how do you have

675. the audacity to have your nephew

676. fake an asthma attack?

677. I was worried

678. sick about him.

679. Have you no shame?

680. Yeah, baby, I...

681. It was Michael Jordan.

682. How many comebacks

683. do you think he's got left?

684. I am disappointed

685. in you both.

686. Lies...

687. deceit.

688. You're worse than

689. that awful family

690. in Dark Deceptions

691. and that was a horror movie.

692. Yeah, I bet we have bodies

693. buried under our floorboards,

694. too.

695. What you know about

696. the floorboards, Nessa?

697. My friend told me about it.

698. Yeah, right.

699. Wait a minute.

700. That was you.

701. What are you

702. talking about?

703. I was waiting

704. for my appointment.

705. As usual,

706. Christina was running late.

707. I was flipping through

708. the Cosmo

709. when I glanced out of

710. the window for just a moment.

711. That's when I thought

712. I spotted Vanessa.

713. I thought your uncle and I

714. were crystal clear

715. about you not seeing

716. R-rated movies.

717. I can't believe I gave you

718. the benefit of the doubt.

719. Lucky for us you spotted her

720. during your eyebrow appointment

721. or you would have got away

722. with cold-blooded murder.

723. Oh, don't play innocent, Bernie.

724. You're in it

725. just as deep as she is.

726. Okay, then, that's fine.

727. You want to talk about

728. innocence?

729. How you like

730. baby girl play,

731. sweetheart?

732. And what was your favorite part?

733. Don't change the subject.

734. Yeah, Aunt Wanda

735. what was your favorite

736. part of the play?

737. I loved all of it, sweetie.

738. Did you like the part

739. where she came out

740. like a beautiful flower?

741. Oh, I loved that part.

742. She was precious,

743. and she looked adorable.

744. She did look cute as a flower.

745. And you know that song

746. that she sang?

747. Uh-huh.

748. You know the one.

749. Oh, I loved it. You were

750. most magnificent, baby girl.

751. Oh, sweetheart...

752. she wasn't a flower.

753. She was a rabbit

754. the whole time.

755. I didn't sing, either.

756. I hopped the whole time.

757. This is getting good.

758. I guess you're

759. as bad as we are.

760. Except I didn't lie

761. to a five-year-old.

762. Oh, God.

763. Oh, baby girl

764. I'm so sorry.

765. I-I-I tried to make it

766. to your play

767. really, honestly, I did.

768. I didn't realize my appointment

769. was going so long.

770. I drove as fast as I could.

771. But by the time I got there

772. the play

773. was already over.

774. Please...

775. don't be mad at me.

776. I am so sorry,

777. baby girl.

778. I know you're not

779. going to understand

780. but, see, Christina,

781. she's booked solid

782. for the next two months

783. and you wouldn't want

784. your Aunt Wanda

785. walking around with the unibrow,

786. would you?

787. Stop it.

788. Stop it.

789. All of us should be ashamed

790. of ourselves.

791. All of us.

792. Everyone here

793. except baby girl

794. because she's the only good one

795. in the bunch.

796. I tell the truth.

797. You sure do.

798. I wish you would

799. tell the truth.

800. You always try

801. to kill my spirits.

802. Take him to the

803. emergency hospital.

804. You better watch— I got

805. to watch you with binoculars.

806. I feel better, America.

807. See, here I was thinking

808. I was a snake

809. feeding the boy forbidden fruit.

810. When it turns out the whole

811. garden brimming with serpents.

812. The entire family is low-down

813. and deceitful as I am.

814. See, I got to lead

815. by a better example.

816. From now on, no more lying.

817. The only one who hasn't been

818. corrupted is baby girl.

819. See, she's still like Eve—

820. I mean, before the apple.

821. Innocent, pure as snow.

822. Captioned by

823. Media Access Group at WGBH

824. Not funny, Bernie.

825. Anyway, America,

826. they did have a good time.

827. The boy didn't have a good time

828. but now he's got to get past

829. one last hurdle.

830. I'm just kidding.

831. You got a lot

832. of nerve, Billy.

833. You want something to drink?