The Bernie Mac Show 1x19

Billy Crystal as Self • Mary Boucher as Sister Arlene • Carol Kiernan as Sister Mary

Bernie takes Jordan to a Clippers' game but tells Wanda that Jordan has had an asthma attack and had to go to the hospital. Wanda tries to help Jordan 'feel better'. He feels guilty and asks Bernie if he can admit his wrongdoing. Bernie explains that it is occasionaly ok to lie, but Jordan takes it to a whole new level. He manipulates his sisters, aunt, school, and even Bernie. When the family has dinner a slew of lies are admitted by everyone in the family.

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1. Captioning sponsored by

2. FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

3. and REGENCY TELEVISION

4. America, Bernie Mac is tired.

5. I mean dead tired.

6. See, I've been on the road

7. for a whole week.

8. Sleeping on planes,

9. in hotel rooms

10. on lumpy, nasty,

11. mite-ridden beds

12. where your feet hang off,

13. your toes get cold.

14. That ain't no way to live,

15. America.

16. So now that I'm back at home

17. all I want to do is crawl

18. into my bed.

19. My bed.

20. I'm talking about an extra

21. thick Posturepedic

22. with a feather bed, 1,200-thread

23. count Pratesi sheets.

24. So warm and comfy, the closest

25. thing you can get to a womb.

26. I just want to thank

27. all the geese

28. that made this night's

29. rest possible.

30. Thank you.

31. The bed again?

32. Yeah, baby.

33. This doggone bed been giving me

34. nothing but trouble.

35. What you so dirty for?

36. Ooh, I finally planted

37. my cherry tree.

38. It is so beautiful, Bernie.

39. I was just waiting for

40. the right time of the year.

41. ( yawns ):

42. That's great, Wanda.

43. I know how excited you are.

44. I know how much

45. it meant to you, so...

46. I'm going to hop in the shower.

47. Get dressed.

48. We're meeting the Richters

49. for dinner at 7:00.

50. Bernie, did you

51. hear what I said?

52. Yeah, baby, I heard you.

53. I didn't know we got to meet

54. the Richters tonight.

55. I thought it was Sunday.

56. No, Sunday I got to go

57. to Bryana's play.

58. I missed that last week,

59. remember?

60. Baby, I'm too tired, Wanda.

61. I'm tired.

62. Bernie, what do you have

63. against the Richters?

64. The only thing more boring than

65. the Richters is Bryana's play.

66. No, I take that back.

67. Nothing is more boring

68. than the Richters.

69. Even if I had the strength

70. I couldn't take

71. that boring couple.

72. I ain't got nothing against

73. the Richters

74. but eight shows

75. in seven nights...

76. I'm exhausted.

77. I just ain't got nothing left.

78. Fine.

79. I'll reschedule.

80. Thank you, baby.

81. Ain't nothing getting me

82. out this bed tonight.

83. I'm tired.

84. Yeah. Mac.

85. What you doing calling

86. at this ungodly hour?

87. Clippers tickets?

88. Michael Jordan

89. and the Wizards, huh?

90. Well...

91. If I go to the game,

92. Wanda gonna kill me.

93. But if I miss a chance

94. to see the greatest

95. basketball player of all time

96. I'm going to kill myself.

97. It's a difficult choice.

98. Michael Jordan or my marriage.

99. My marriage or Michael Jordan.

100. Jordan...

101. Jordan?

102. Hey, Jordan!

103. Yeah.

104. I'll be dead tomorrow.

105. See ya.

106. Jordan. Jordan...

107. I want you to fake

108. an asthma attack.

109. Start wheezing.

110. Why? There's

111. no school tomorrow.

112. No, boy, I want you

113. to do it

114. so we can go to

115. the Clippers' game.

116. Be our little secret.

117. Start wheezing.

118. You want me to throw up, too?

119. I can have a seizure.

120. No, Jordan, wheeze.

121. Want me to swallow my tongue?

122. No!

123. Ow!

124. Oh, Lord!

125. Boy, good, good.

126. Oh, Lord!

127. I'm going to run him

128. to the E.R., baby.

129. Let me take him; I

130. know how tired you are.

131. This is my blood, baby.

132. And blood's more

133. important than sleep.

134. Do you have your keys?

135. Yeah.

136. Watch his head!

137. You know what else was great?

138. The giant television screen.

139. I've never been on TV before.

140. You think I'm going

141. to be a star?

142. Not after you put your finger

143. all the way up your nose.

144. You was all the way up

145. to the second knuckle.

146. You know what else was huge?

147. The players,

148. they were like giants.

149. Why didn't they let

150. the white guys play?

151. I don't know, son.

152. But you got to get rid

153. of that program.

154. It's incriminating evidence.

155. Get rid of that.

156. Hey! Hey! Jordan,

157. what you doing?

158. But you said I should...

159. I'm getting ready

160. to go to a trash can.

161. Boy, you know,

162. you're a trip.

163. I guess as long as

164. you had fun, huh?

165. Yeah.

166. But you know what was

167. my favorite part though?

168. What?

169. How upset you were

170. when they said Michael

171. Jordan wasn't playing.

172. You almost cried.

173. No, I wasn't upset.

174. No, I wasn't.

175. "Oh, Lord!"

176. No, that...

177. that's what I did?

178. What'd I do?

179. What'd I do?

180. Oh, Lord!

181. Oh, Lord!

182. Like that.

183. Let's move on.

184. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

185. Hold on, hold on.

186. Hello?

187. Hey, baby.

188. Yeah, he's fine.

189. Little congested.

190. Yeah, nothing serious.

191. They took some X rays

192. and everything

193. but he's going to be fine.

194. Yeah, we're on our way home.

195. Okay.

196. All right, sweetheart.

197. Bye-bye.

198. You can stop now,

199. Jordan.

200. No... choking.

201. Oh, oh, Jordan.

202. You all right?

203. Oh, come on now, don't look

204. at me like that, America.

205. I mean, the boy was just

206. choking on a pretzel.

207. That could've happened anywhere.

208. Am I wrong, Billy?

209. Billy was at the game.

210. He saw the game.

211. The boy had a good time.

212. Tell them, Billy.

213. No, it's true.

214. Hi, how you doing?

215. I was sitting just a few

216. rows in front of them.

217. You really got to get

218. some courtside seats.

219. My friend, he called me

220. at the last minute.

221. Yeah, but you're

222. sitting way back.

223. And he lied to me.

224. Yeah, but I'm sitting

225. in the front row.

226. I had two rebounds

227. and an assist.

228. You know, you're way,

229. way back there.

230. Anyway, they were

231. having a great time.

232. It was kind of beautiful

233. you know, a boy and

234. his father figure, right?

235. What could be more

236. American than that?

237. You see.

238. You see, that's what

239. I'm talking about, Billy.

240. See, that... see,

241. that ain't no big deal.

242. I had the boy fake

243. a little asthma attack.

244. No big deal.

245. Wait, wait, wait...

246. You had him fake

247. an asthma attack?

248. He do it all

249. the time, Billy.

250. You don't know him.

251. I don't understand this.

252. You had him fake an illness

253. so you could go

254. to a Clipper game?

255. I just had him

256. do the wheezing.

257. I didn't let him

258. swallow his tongue.

259. Oh, that's so big of you.

260. For a Clipper game?

261. What happens if they

262. make the playoffs?

263. What do you do then,

264. you stop his heart?

265. I mean asthma's not a funny

266. thing, Bernie, you know.

267. I had asthma

268. when I was a kid.

269. I mean, you know, as a boy

270. in New York, and I started

271. you know, getting excited

272. about things

273. and before I know it,

274. I'm in Phoenix

275. you know, 'cause it's dry.

276. Let's move on, Billy.

277. And then, you know,

278. it's not funny.

279. And I'd be in class,

280. and I'd get agitated

281. and I'd start... oh, here...

282. I'd start to...

283. Put it in your book.

284. Anyway, America.

285. It's not funny.

286. I had a good time.

287. The boy had a...

288. The boy had a good time.

289. And I just got to...

290. I need my...

291. I need my Breathaly...

292. Not funny, man.

293. It's one last hurdle.

294. Comedy is not funny.

295. Not funny.

296. You taking it... you're

297. going over the hill with...

298. You're going over the

299. hill with that, Billy.

300. He do...

301. I just want... he do her,

302. he don't never do her.

303. He always...

304. Cut the camera off.

305. Cut the camera off.

306. ( wheezes ):

307. Help me.

308. Bernie,

309. I was so worried.

310. Shh! He's sleeping.

311. But he's fine.

312. Doctor told me

313. to keep him level.

314. There you go, America,

315. the perfect crime.

316. Oh, don't look at me like that.

317. It was victimless.

318. No one got hurt.

319. As long as Wanda never find out,

320. no one will.

321. Here you go, sweetie.

322. I thought you would

323. enjoy these.

324. Double-fudge brownies!

325. You thought right.

326. What's wrong, Aunt Wanda?

327. Jordan, I was

328. so scared last night.

329. About what?

330. All I could think about

331. was you in the emergency room

332. not being able to breathe.

333. Oh, you don't have

334. to worry, I'm fine.

335. I've been told I have

336. the lung capacity

337. of someone ten times my age.

338. You're such a brave

339. little soldier.

340. You relax and I'll fix

341. your favorite dinner.

342. But why?

343. Because Dark Deception is

344. R-rated, restricted.

345. No one under 17 admitted

346. without a parent.

347. And Aunt Wanda and I

348. already saw it.

349. End of discussion,

350. Nessa.

351. I can't believe you.

352. What's the problem, baby?

353. In four years,

354. you'll be able to rent it.

355. Give you something

356. to look forward to.

357. Uncle Bernie.

358. Yeah?

359. You know, our secret?

360. I've been thinking

361. maybe we should tell

362. Aunt Wanda the truth.

363. He too doggone young

364. to have a conscious.

365. She was really worried

366. about me last night.

367. It made me feel bad.

368. Jordan, I don't want

369. you to feel bad.

370. The last thing

371. I want you to do

372. is worry about Aunt Wanda.

373. See, sometimes

374. in order for us to

375. have a little fun

376. we have to... bend

377. the truth a little bit.

378. You mean lie?

379. No.

380. Uh-uh, I don't mean lie.

381. I mean bend the truth.

382. There's a difference.

383. See, we sometimes let off

384. steam in a manly way

385. like basketball.

386. And, see, your Aunt

387. Wanda, she's a woman.

388. And see, women,

389. they're different.

390. They're more sensitive.

391. That's why they cry at

392. movies and commercials

393. and stuff like that.

394. You cried during

395. The Lion King.

396. I didn't cry,

397. I was thinking

398. about something sad

399. like what would happen to you

400. if you were to tell Aunt Wanda

401. about this basketball business.

402. And besides, you don't

403. want to hurt Aunt Wanda's

404. feelings, do you?

405. Last thing you want to do

406. is make her cry, Jordan.

407. Yeah.

408. I think you need to

409. really forget about this

410. telling Aunt Wanda

411. business, okay?

412. Okay, I guess.

413. Okay, good. And remember,

414. we're not lying

415. we're bending the truth

416. just to get what we want.

417. Right.

418. Oh, I don't care what

419. you're thinking, America.

420. It's not like I taught the boy

421. how to boost a car or anything.

422. This is harmless.

423. Just a little black boy

424. telling a little black lie.

425. No harm, no foul.

426. You grownups,

427. y'all do it every day.

428. Get out my face.

429. Bryana, stop!

430. What?

431. Those cookies are spoiled.

432. If you eat them, they'll

433. have to take you away

434. in an ambulance and

435. pump your stomach.

436. But I already ate one.

437. Hurry, go to the bathroom

438. and brush your teeth!

439. Hurry! There's still time!

440. Hurry! Hurry!

441. Uncle Bernie said you

442. were supposed to wash

443. these dishes.

444. What? That's not my job.

445. I'm going to Shannon's.

446. I heard him talking

447. to Aunt Wanda.

448. He said he'd come over

449. there and get you.

450. If I were you,

451. I'd get it over with.

452. ( sighs ):

453. Fine. Better washing dishes

454. than him embarrassing me

455. in front of my friends

456. with his big dumb mouth.

457. Yep.

458. Oh, Mr. Mac.

459. Hi, Sister Arlene.

460. Mary. How are you?

461. We're fine.

462. We're fine.

463. We just wanted to know

464. how your wife was feeling.

465. My wife is fine, why?

466. Oh, Jordan's been

467. quite upset

468. about his aunt's

469. sudden illness.

470. Sudden illness?

471. We just wanted you to know

472. that we were aware of it.

473. Oh, and I've told

474. the other teachers

475. not to assign

476. any homework

477. as long as

478. the crisis exists.

479. Crisis?

480. Jordan has got enough

481. on his mind.

482. Sisters, thank you.

483. Lying to a nun.

484. Saying his aunt's sick.

485. He's the one about to be sick.

486. Going to contract a sudden case

487. of "ass-us beat-us red-us."

488. That's Latin for I'm going

489. to whup his ass till it glows.

490. I'm pissed, America.

491. And I ain't lying.

492. Uncle Bernie,

493. you stepped on Powerman.

494. What's your Powerman

495. doing on the floor?

496. I thought I told you

497. to clean this mess up.

498. Hold your horses,

499. I'm watching television.

500. "Hold my horses?"

501. Boy, I'm about ready

502. to go Clydesdale

503. on you.

504. What's up, guys? Hey.

505. Hey.

506. Nothing. Uncle Bernie's just

507. helping me practice my shot.

508. Swish.

509. Yeah, I was... uh, fouling him.

510. Uncle Bernie

511. would it be okay if I cleaned up

512. this mess after the TV show?

513. No, I want you to clean

514. your mess up now, Jordan.

515. Swish!

516. The boy isn't just evil,

517. he's an evil genius.

518. A little black Lex Luthor.

519. He really got some dirt on me.

520. This is blaxploitation,

521. I'm telling you, America.

522. Blaxploitation.

523. This ain't nothing but

524. some blaxploitation.

525. Huh, he's good.

526. This damn bed.

527. Bernie!

528. Yo.

529. Did you tell the gardeners

530. to cut down my cherry tree?

531. No, Wan,

532. of course I didn't.

533. Well, they did.

534. And they are gone first

535. thing in the morning.

536. Oh, baby, just chill.

537. Now, go in there and get you

538. a glass of wine, just relax.

539. It's probably

540. a misunderstanding.

541. No, it was a misunderstanding

542. when they killed my azaleas.

543. This is unforgivable.

544. They are gone.

545. End of discussion.

546. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

547. Speaking of your foliage, okay

548. Christina called talking

549. about your eyebrow appointment

550. at 6:00, or something

551. like that, tonight.

552. Tonight?

553. Tonight.

554. But I'm supposed to be going

555. to Bryana's play tonight.

556. Oh, this is

557. just a bad day.

558. Well, I mean, just call

559. and reschedule, baby.

560. Quit tripping.

561. Reschedule? You can't

562. reschedule with Christina.

563. She's booked

564. months in advance.

565. Oh, stop it.

566. Now, that's just

567. totally ridiculous.

568. You talking about

569. waxing some eyebrow.

570. How difficult is it,

571. waxing some eyebrows?

572. You give me some candles,

573. tweezers and a razor blade

574. lie across the bed...

575. I'll hook you up, baby.

576. Pluck it out...

577. I'll call and reschedule.

578. You know, you look kind of sexy

579. when you're dirty.

580. Whatever.

581. Baby girl, have you

582. been jumping on my bed?

583. No, Uncle Bernie,

584. it wasn't me.

585. Oh...

586. I guess you're here

587. for your last check, huh?

588. Mr. Mac, we are very sorry

589. we cut your tree.

590. Yeah... I bet next time you'll

591. be a little careful, won't you?

592. Si, but your son

593. told Luis that you

594. wanted it down.

595. I'll see you next week.

596. Don't worry about it.

597. Oh, baby girl,

598. I can't get over

599. how wonderful you

600. were in that play.

601. Thank you.

602. You're welcome.

603. And you were so talented.

604. And by far

605. the prettiest one up there.

606. It just made

607. my heart soar.

608. Yeah, I know what

609. you did, Jordan.

610. I know it was you.

611. It was you that cut

612. down that cherry tree.

613. Jordan, you're trying

614. to punk me.

615. I'm going to let you know

616. I'm unpunkable, okay?

617. Uncle Bernie,

618. I need a haircut.

619. Do you have any clippers?

620. No, I don't have any clippers.

621. But I'd be more than happy

622. to take you to the barber

623. shop next to the bakery.

624. You know the bakery, son...

625. the one that

626. sells cherry pies.

627. I like the name Michael

628. and the like the name Jordan.

629. Michael... Jordan.

630. Michael Jordan.

631. What do you think, Uncle Bernie?

632. I think I ought

633. to punch you...

634. That boy must be crazy—

635. playing tit-for-tat with me.

636. Bernie Mac don't play

637. no tit-for-tat

638. with no eight-year-old.

639. He think he smart?

640. He don't know

641. who he's dealing with.

642. I'll beat that boy

643. by being a bigger man.

644. I'm going to screw him

645. by being honest.

646. I'm a top-thologist

647. when it come to bull.

648. You went to the Clipper game?

649. Jordan cut down

650. your cherry tree.

651. Stool pigeon.

652. You did what?

653. You know

654. how excited I was about

655. that little tree.

656. Why did you do that?

657. Well, I was playing NFL

658. with a friend

659. and every time one of us

660. would go out for a pass

661. that stupid cherry tree

662. got in our way.

663. So, I kind of told

664. the gardeners that Uncle Bernie

665. wanted them to cut it down.

666. I fired our gardeners

667. for nothing.

668. Yeah, and they got families,

669. big ones.

670. Oh, stop it, America.

671. Check the census.

672. This boy's a bad apple—

673. a rotten one.

674. Yeah, that fell from

675. the Bernie Mac tree.

676. Hey...

677. She's right.

678. Bernie how do you have

679. the audacity to have your nephew

680. fake an asthma attack?

681. I was worried

682. sick about him.

683. Have you no shame?

684. Yeah, baby, I...

685. It was Michael Jordan.

686. How many comebacks

687. do you think he's got left?

688. I am disappointed

689. in you both.

690. Lies...

691. deceit.

692. You're worse than

693. that awful family

694. in Dark Deceptions

695. and that was a horror movie.

696. Yeah, I bet we have bodies

697. buried under our floorboards,

698. too.

699. What you know about

700. the floorboards, Nessa?

701. My friend told me about it.

702. Yeah, right.

703. Wait a minute.

704. That was you.

705. What are you

706. talking about?

707. I was waiting

708. for my appointment.

709. As usual,

710. Christina was running late.

711. I was flipping through

712. the Cosmo

713. when I glanced out of

714. the window for just a moment.

715. That's when I thought

716. I spotted Vanessa.

717. I thought your uncle and I

718. were crystal clear

719. about you not seeing

720. R-rated movies.

721. I can't believe I gave you

722. the benefit of the doubt.

723. Lucky for us you spotted her

724. during your eyebrow appointment

725. or you would have got away

726. with cold-blooded murder.

727. Oh, don't play innocent, Bernie.

728. You're in it

729. just as deep as she is.

730. Okay, then, that's fine.

731. You want to talk about

732. innocence?

733. How you like

734. baby girl play,

735. sweetheart?

736. And what was your favorite part?

737. Don't change the subject.

738. Yeah, Aunt Wanda

739. what was your favorite

740. part of the play?

741. I loved all of it, sweetie.

742. Did you like the part

743. where she came out

744. like a beautiful flower?

745. Oh, I loved that part.

746. She was precious,

747. and she looked adorable.

748. She did look cute as a flower.

749. And you know that song

750. that she sang?

751. Uh-huh.

752. You know the one.

753. Oh, I loved it. You were

754. most magnificent, baby girl.

755. Oh, sweetheart...

756. she wasn't a flower.

757. She was a rabbit

758. the whole time.

759. I didn't sing, either.

760. I hopped the whole time.

761. This is getting good.

762. I guess you're

763. as bad as we are.

764. Except I didn't lie

765. to a five-year-old.

766. Oh, God.

767. Oh, baby girl

768. I'm so sorry.

769. I-I-I tried to make it

770. to your play

771. really, honestly, I did.

772. I didn't realize my appointment

773. was going so long.

774. I drove as fast as I could.

775. But by the time I got there

776. the play

777. was already over.

778. Please...

779. don't be mad at me.

780. I am so sorry,

781. baby girl.

782. I know you're not

783. going to understand

784. but, see, Christina,

785. she's booked solid

786. for the next two months

787. and you wouldn't want

788. your Aunt Wanda

789. walking around with the unibrow,

790. would you?

791. Stop it.

792. Stop it.

793. All of us should be ashamed

794. of ourselves.

795. All of us.

796. Everyone here

797. except baby girl

798. because she's the only good one

799. in the bunch.

800. I tell the truth.

801. You sure do.

802. I wish you would

803. tell the truth.

804. You always try

805. to kill my spirits.

806. Take him to the

807. emergency hospital.

808. You better watch— I got

809. to watch you with binoculars.

810. I feel better, America.

811. See, here I was thinking

812. I was a snake

813. feeding the boy forbidden fruit.

814. When it turns out the whole

815. garden brimming with serpents.

816. The entire family is low-down

817. and deceitful as I am.

818. See, I got to lead

819. by a better example.

820. From now on, no more lying.

821. The only one who hasn't been

822. corrupted is baby girl.

823. See, she's still like Eve—

824. I mean, before the apple.

825. Innocent, pure as snow.

826. Captioned by

827. Media Access Group at WGBH

828. Not funny, Bernie.

829. Anyway, America,

830. they did have a good time.

831. The boy didn't have a good time

832. but now he's got to get past

833. one last hurdle.

834. I'm just kidding.

835. You got a lot

836. of nerve, Billy.

837. You want something to drink?