The Bernie Mac Show 1x18

1. Captioning sponsored by

2. and REGENCY TELEVISION

3. Look at that.

4. Doggone. I'm so sick of this.

5. I don't know what to do.

6. Look at that— another one,

7. another one.

8. 300 cable channels,

9. I got to block off 208.

10. You know why?

11. Sex. It's every doggone where.

12. It's on TV, DVD, videotape.

13. Even on the Internet.

14. Let me tell y'all.

15. The other day,

16. baby girl was on the computer

17. looking for some pictures

18. of some pussycats.

19. It took me six hours

20. to explain to her what she saw.

21. Now, America,

22. I'm gonna tell you something.

23. We got to get this doggone sex

24. off the television

25. and put it back on the street,

26. where it belongs.

27. This is ridiculous.

28. Huh.

29. Another one.

30. That's a commercial.

31. This...

32. Hey, yo, man.

33. Uh... where's the pool?

34. Yo, man?

35. Excuse me?

36. The pool.

37. The pool?

38. Man, forget it.

39. I'll find it.

40. Baby?

41. Hmm?

42. What's all these kids here?

43. Vanessa's having a pool party.

44. Who told Vanessa

45. she could have a pool party

46. in my doggone house?

47. I told Vanessa

48. she could have a pool party

49. at our house.

50. Now, relax, Bernie.

51. The kids are just

52. having fun.

53. You know what?

54. That's all right.

55. But if I see that knot-headed

56. boy walking around here—

57. the one that was in the house—

58. acting like it's his...

59. Sweetie, just go back inside.

60. This ain't right.

61. See, now, that-that

62. right there?

63. That's one of those

64. Similac babies.

65. W.B.:

66. Man, they

67. didn't make them

68. like that when

69. we were young.

70. Uh-uh.

71. Man, if I was 15 now...

72. You'd still be peeking

73. and not playing

74. so shut up.

75. What y'all doing?

76. Yo, yo, yo,

77. Bernie, man, look.

78. Man, these girls

79. dressing like

80. they grown, man.

81. Look at the one in

82. the blue right there.

83. Where?

84. Right there.

85. Mm-hmm.

86. That's Wanda.

87. Sorry, man.

88. That's my bad, man.

89. I don't envy you, man.

90. My daughter's

91. a year older than Vanessa

92. and I'm already

93. chasing away the boys.

94. Yeah, man,

95. and boys at that age

96. only have one thing

97. on they minds, dog.

98. Uh-huh.

99. Oh, cut it out, man.

100. Y'all are trying to put

101. the cables on me, man.

102. Make me paranoid.

103. Besides, man,

104. you're talking about kids.

105. You know,

106. I ain't worried about it.

107. Wanda's out-out there.

108. She's chaperoning.

109. Mm-hmm.

110. What the hell is that?

111. Hey, man, we're

112. just telling you

113. how little boys are.

114. No need to get upset.

115. No.

116. No!

117. No!

118. Hands off.

119. What are you doing?

120. Man, why your pops

121. got to be like that?

122. I'm not her pops.

123. He's not my pops.

124. Why don't you get in the pool

125. and cool off?

126. I can't swim.

127. I don't want you to swim.

128. Why don't you get

129. in the deep end?

130. Bernie, leave

131. these kids alone.

132. Look here.

133. I'm telling y'all both.

134. I'm not going to let Vanessa

135. bring another mouth

136. in this house for us to feed.

137. What? What are

138. you talking about?

139. I'm talking about your sister

140. too doggone young

141. to become an auntie.

142. That's what I'm talking about.

143. Aunt Wanda, can you please

144. tell your husband

145. to leave me alone?

146. He's ruining my party.

147. She's a good girl.

148. Stop worrying.

149. He was holding

150. her hand, baby.

151. Exactly, Bernie.

152. Holding hands.

153. That's a start.

154. How bad is that?

155. That young boy got

156. hormones jumping

157. all out of his body.

158. And you ain't making

159. it no better

160. with that outfit

161. you got on.

162. You like my outfit,

163. Bernie Mac?

164. Wanda, stop it.

165. You're making it

166. real hard for me

167. to do my duty...

168. as a parent.

169. You let Aunt Wanda handle

170. the duties as a parent

171. and maybe tonight

172. we'll talk

173. about your husbandly duties.

174. Now, shoo.

175. Go on.

176. What you doing?

177. Oh, ah, um... noth...

178. It was time-out.

179. You're a liar.

180. I'm sick of this.

181. How the hell

182. I get back here?

183. Hey... what's this?

184. Huh?

185. I was giving Kevin

186. my number...

187. No, you was giving Kevin

188. my number.

189. How come you're not

190. at the deep end?

191. You better hurry up.

192. Your pager blowin' up.

193. You are ruining my life!

194. Aunt Wanda?

195. Bernie Mac, out!

196. Talking about,

197. I'm ruining your life.

198. Girl, I'm trying

199. to save your life.

200. Well, fine.

201. I'll tell you what.

202. I ain't changing no diapers.

203. Ought to kick you

204. in your chest.

205. Hey, where y'all...

206. Where y'all going?

207. Yo, man, we can catch the game

208. somewhere else, all right?

209. No, no, man.

210. I'm cool, man.

211. Come on, sit down.

212. Sit down.

213. Hey.

214. What?

215. What the...?

216. That little knot head! Hey!

217. Bernie's letting

218. those kids drive

219. him crazy, man.

220. Vanessa!

221. Yeah.

222. What y'all running for?

223. 'Cause you won't

224. leave us alone.

225. Alone?

226. Why you want to be alone?

227. You all must be up

228. to something.

229. We were just getting

230. some soda.

231. Soda? Yeah.

232. I know what that means.

233. You better not be getting

234. no "soda" in this house, boy.

235. What?

236. Don't "what" me, boy.

237. You know exactly what I mean.

238. I'm not going

239. to let you ruin

240. this girl's life.

241. Matter of fact,

242. I want you out of my house.

243. Your party is over!

244. I can't stand you.

245. Yeah, okay.

246. You get out of here.

247. You see how ungrateful she is?

248. She hates me.

249. I'm trying to save her

250. from making a big mistake.

251. I ain't trying

252. to be no hard guy, America.

253. But I'll chase baby girl

254. around this house

255. everyday if I have to

256. if that's what it takes

257. to keep her away from boys...

258. hoo.

259. I hate him.

260. I heard that!

261. I heard that.

262. Hey, babe.

263. This is a great age, huh?

264. Tell me about it.

265. I got a 13-year-old

266. at home.

267. Nothing but trouble.

268. She had a pool party

269. the other day.

270. All kinds of boys

271. walking through the house

272. hitting on her

273. like they're grown.

274. Well, then,

275. I'm the bad guy

276. when I throw their stuff

277. in the pool.

278. I know. I think we

279. ought to lock 'em up

280. from the ages of 13

281. to 18 to keep them safe

282. and then at the age

283. of 18, unlock 'em

284. kick 'em out

285. of the house.

286. That's exactly how I feel.

287. Kids need boundaries.

288. That's why I sent my

289. boy to Catholic school.

290. Me, too.

291. I'm Bernie Mac.

292. Hi. David.

293. Hey, David.

294. There we go.

295. Hey, sport.

296. Hey.

297. Dad, can I go over

298. Jordan's house and play?

299. No. I think

300. Bernie's busy

301. and you got

302. homework. Come on.

303. No, no, no.

304. He can come.

305. I mean, this is

306. a great time

307. for boys to build

308. a lifelong friendship.

309. Yeah.

310. You're right.

311. 4:00?

312. Fine with me.

313. Nessa, get that.

314. Why? None of my friends

315. are welcome here

316. so I know it's

317. not for me.

318. Bernie.

319. Hey, Dave.

320. What's going on? Dave.

321. Byron.

322. Hey, Jordan,

323. Byron's here.

324. Bernie Mac?

325. Yes.

326. I can't believe

327. Dave didn't know

328. who you were.

329. I am your biggest fan.

330. You are, like,

331. the funniest man

332. on the planet.

333. Uh... thank you.

334. Thank you.

335. Thank you.

336. This is Phil, my very

337. over-the-top partner.

338. Partner?

339. Bernie, I was just

340. telling Phil

341. how much you and I have

342. in common.

343. It's uncanny.

344. It's unnatural.

345. Well, I hope you have

346. a good time, Byron.

347. Give Daddy a kiss.

348. Okay.

349. Ciao, Bernie.

350. Ciao.

351. Take it easy.

352. Okay.

353. Here we go.

354. All right.

355. Today is you guys' day.

356. Anything you want

357. to do is fine.

358. Look, I got a football.

359. I got a pair

360. of boxing gloves.

361. Hey, look here.

362. I got toy guns.

363. We can play war.

364. Y-you do play war,

365. don't you, Byron?

366. Oh, what else?

367. See this video game here?

368. This game here—

369. man, you could tear

370. a guy's head clear off!

371. We're gonna have some

372. good regular guy fun today.

373. Make a loop.

374. The bunny goes

375. up the hole

376. around the tree

377. and back into the hole.

378. Now, pull,

379. but not too tight.

380. Like this?

381. What the hell? Yarn?

382. What are you guys doing?

383. Byron's showing me

384. how to make a knot.

385. Why are you using yarn?

386. That's for needlepoint

387. or tying bows on girls...

388. Now, give-give me this.

389. We couldn't find

390. anything else.

391. You mean, you couldn't find

392. wire or-or fishing line

393. extension cord or something

394. like that to play with?

395. Mr. Mac?

396. Yes.

397. Isn't that stuff

398. dangerous?

399. Um... yes.

400. Listen, it's too nice outside

401. for y'all to be inside

402. playing with knots.

403. Come on.

404. I want y'all to get up.

405. I want you to go outside

406. and play.

407. Go on. Why don't you show him

408. some cards or something?

409. Be a man.

410. Bryana's having fun

411. with her dolls.

412. Why don't you go

413. break that up?

414. The Undertaker says

415. bring it on!

416. Oh, the Three Stooges is

417. something else.

418. I'd have killed that mother...

419. Jordan.

420. Jordan, Jordan.

421. Byron, Jordan,

422. stop, stop.

423. Break it up.

424. What's going on here?

425. Y'all are playing

426. too close.

427. We were just

428. playing WWF.

429. I was about to give

430. him a pile driver.

431. There ain't gonna be

432. no pile driver, Jordan.

433. Did I do something wrong?

434. No, son.

435. You didn't do nothing wrong.

436. Listen... I just want y'all

437. to have some fun.

438. Good clean fun, okay?

439. Now, here.

440. Go to it.

441. I'm making too much of this.

442. Maybe I'm too old school.

443. Maybe they're just children.

444. Maybe they're just boys

445. out there having fun.

446. Ain't nothing wrong

447. with that boy.

448. America... the Mac man

449. apologizes.

450. Oh, my Lord!

451. Jordan!

452. That's it. Play date over.

453. But why?

454. 'Cause I said so.

455. But we were having fun.

456. Yeah, that was your

457. first mistake.

458. Byron, let's go get your stuff.

459. Aw!

460. "Aw." Let's go.

461. America,

462. I know exactly what you think.

463. Those are two young boys

464. out there playing

465. and what could be so wrong?

466. See, I'm not trying

467. to mess with the boys' fun.

468. I just don't want them

469. to grow up too soft.

470. See, Jordan, he can be

471. anything he wants to be.

472. If he wants to grow up

473. to be a policeman

474. he can be that.

475. Or how about

476. a construction worker?

477. Nothing wrong with that.

478. He even might want

479. to join the navy.

480. Hey, I have

481. no problem with that.

482. It does not matter if you want

483. to be a biker, or a cowboy

484. or a Indian chief.

485. I personally don't mind.

486. The boy can be

487. whatever he wants to be, right?

488. Whatever he wants to be!

489. See?

490. How you doing, cop?

491. Uh, Chief, your wampum

492. coming out your pouch..

493. L-l-let's move on.

494. Hey, Bernie.

495. Hi.

496. Hey, hey.

497. Hey, buddy.

498. Hi, sport.

499. Everything okay?

500. Yeah. The boys are

501. great, you know?

502. Jordan has asthma

503. and I can see

504. all the activity

505. is kind of

506. wearing him down.

507. Oh, hey, hon.

508. What's going on?

509. Oh, uh, Brenda,

510. this is Bernie.

511. Bernie,

512. this is my wife.

513. Your wife?

514. I thought

515. you and Phil was partners.

516. We are.

517. We're writing

518. partners.

519. But sometimes I think

520. they're the married couple.

521. Hey,

522. you know what?

523. I got to get back.

524. Jordan has the...

525. wheezes.

526. Sorry.

527. See? That's why I didn't judge.

528. At most, I was overly cautious.

529. And there was children involved.

530. Okay, I hurt Jordan's feelings.

531. I'm sorry.

532. He'll get over it.

533. And if I hurt y'all out there,

534. forgive me.

535. I hate him.

536. I heard that!

537. Take your medicine!

538. So, how we going

539. to get him?

540. I don't know, but we

541. have to choose our

542. time just right.

543. Bryana's asleep.

544. Do you have any plans

545. for tonight?

546. No, you know I ain't

547. got no plans for tonight.

548. Good, because

549. I'm expecting a package.

550. Package?

551. Good night, kids.

552. Good night.

553. Good night.

554. See? Respect.

555. That's what I'm talking about.

556. So, you want me

557. to steal the package.

558. No, no, no; there is no package.

559. That was just a cover-up

560. so they could handle

561. their business.

562. It's more like a code word.

563. Oh. They're nasty.

564. This will be the perfect time

565. for us to get him.

566. Yeah. Let's get him.

567. Do you think there's cookies

568. in the packages?

569. I don't know,

570. but if you help us out

571. I promise I'll get you

572. a whole bunch of cookies.

573. Yay!

574. Shh.

575. Yay.

576. You know, Mrs. Mac

577. I think you're trying

578. to seduce me.

579. And guess what?

580. I kind of like it.

581. Get over here.

582. Uncle Bernie?

583. What?

584. I'm scared.

585. Scared of what?

586. Um, I forgot.

587. Well, come back

588. when you remember.

589. Okay.

590. Uncle Bernie?

591. Baby, hold on.

592. Mmm.

593. Hold on.

594. What?

595. You see?

596. There's no monsters

597. down here.

598. Now, look, I

599. looked everywhere.

600. Can't find no monsters.

601. Now, anybody else

602. want anything?

603. Okay, good

604. 'cause as of right now

605. Uncle Bernie

606. officially off the clock.

607. Don't call me for nothing.

608. Call me again...

609. and see what happen to you.

610. Is everything okay?

611. They just crazy, man.

612. How do those kids

613. have great timing, man?

614. Who cares?

615. Now it's our time.

616. You know what?

617. What?

618. I been yearning

619. for you, baby.

620. Now!

621. What the hell

622. is that?

623. Oh, see what I'm

624. talking about?

625. Now, look, I done told you all

626. for the last time

627. not to disturb me, and that mean

628. not even a knock on the door.

629. I don't want you all

630. to get out of bed for nothing.

631. If you put one foot on the floor

632. I'm going to be angry,

633. do you understand me?

634. What if we...?

635. What if nothing!

636. You can't do nothing!

637. I don't care

638. if there earthquake.

639. You just ride it.

640. I should have left you all

641. at Cabrini-Green.

642. Bunch of animals.

643. Like you ain't got

644. no home training.

645. What's that?

646. That's Bernie Mac.

647. No, I'm serious.

648. I heard something outside.

649. It could be a

650. stray cat, right?

651. Meow.

652. See?

653. See?

654. Mmm.

655. Bernie? Bernie, look.

656. What, what, what, what?

657. I told you

658. there's someone

659. in the yard.

660. Who out there?

661. Hold on just a sec...

662. hold on, now.

663. You let me come out there.

664. You picked

665. the wrong house.

666. Wrong house.

667. Why you pick

668. the wrong house?

669. You picked the wrong house!

670. Yes, sir!

671. Now, I'm going

672. to ask you one more time—

673. who out there?

674. It's a monster!

675. See? See? I knew

676. it was you kids.

677. I told you not to get

678. out of bed, didn't I?

679. You're really

680. in trouble now.

681. I don't know who y'all think

682. y'all playing with.

683. Like I ain't never been a kid.

684. I was the worst kid

685. on the block, boy.

686. When I was... yeah, I saw you!

687. I see you! Ha-ha... ow!

688. Whoa... I'm okay.

689. You better hope my leg is broke.

690. I swear, for... lord, whatever

691. on top of me... Wanda.

692. Wanda.

693. Hey.

694. Okay, I understand

695. that you were angry

696. with your Uncle Bernie

697. but did you even consider

698. your Aunt Wanda's feelings?

699. Sorry, Aunt Wanda.

700. You were in the

701. wrong place at

702. the wrong time.

703. Yeah, you were

704. collateral damage.

705. No, no, you all was

706. in the wrong place

707. at the wrong time.

708. I told y'all not

709. to get out of bed

710. and y'all chose to

711. disrespect our privacy.

712. You didn't respect ours.

713. Yeah!

714. You little kids

715. ain't got no

716. doggone privacy.

717. Bernie, stop it.

718. Vanessa?

719. He embarrassed me

720. in front of all my friends.

721. Jordan?

722. I feel like Byron's mad at me

723. 'cause he had to go home early.

724. Bernie,

725. say you're sorry.

726. I'm not saying...

727. Bernie,

728. say you're sorry.

729. I'm sorry.

730. Kids

731. say "That's okay,

732. Uncle Bernie."

733. That's okay, Uncle Bernie.

734. Okay.

735. Great. We're all

736. one big happy family.

737. You go to bed.

738. You three stay.

739. gon' tell me

740. I'm damn sorry.

741. I ain't did nothing.

742. Now, your Uncle

743. Bernie has shown you

744. that your feelings

745. are important

746. and he and I need

747. our time alone, you understand?

748. Yes, ma'am.

749. Yes, ma'am.

750. Good

751. because the next person

752. that comes into your room

753. will be me

754. and we don't

755. want that, do we?

756. No, Aunt.

757. No.

758. Good.

759. Good night.

760. And I'll take these.

761. Baby, let's go.

762. Baby?

763. Bernie?

764. We'll pick up on this

765. tomorrow night.

766. Oh, wait,

767. I have a meeting.

768. Okay, some other time.

769. Let me be straight.

770. This ain't about Jordan

771. being gay.

772. I don't care if he play with

773. a little boy or a little girl.

774. I don't want him to be exposed

775. to sex at his age.

776. If you like,

777. I'll put him in a bubble.

778. You ain't gon' tell...

779. Don't tell me

780. how to raise my nephew.

781. If I want him to play with

782. whoever I want him to play with

783. he can play with.

784. Hmm.

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786. Media Access Group at WGBH