The Bernie Mac Show 1x18

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2. FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

3. and REGENCY TELEVISION

4. Look at that.

5. Doggone. I'm so sick of this.

6. I don't know what to do.

7. Look at that— another one,

8. another one.

9. 300 cable channels,

10. I got to block off 208.

11. You know why?

12. Sex. It's every doggone where.

13. It's on TV, DVD, videotape.

14. Even on the Internet.

15. Let me tell y'all.

16. The other day,

17. baby girl was on the computer

18. looking for some pictures

19. of some pussycats.

20. It took me six hours

21. to explain to her what she saw.

22. Now, America,

23. I'm gonna tell you something.

24. We got to get this doggone sex

25. off the television

26. and put it back on the street,

27. where it belongs.

28. This is ridiculous.

29. Huh.

30. Another one.

31. That's a commercial.

32. This...

33. Hey, yo, man.

34. Uh... where's the pool?

35. Yo, man?

36. Excuse me?

37. The pool.

38. The pool?

39. Man, forget it.

40. I'll find it.

41. Baby?

42. Hmm?

43. What's all these kids here?

44. Vanessa's having a pool party.

45. Who told Vanessa

46. she could have a pool party

47. in my doggone house?

48. I told Vanessa

49. she could have a pool party

50. at our house.

51. Now, relax, Bernie.

52. The kids are just

53. having fun.

54. You know what?

55. That's all right.

56. But if I see that knot-headed

57. boy walking around here—

58. the one that was in the house—

59. acting like it's his...

60. Sweetie, just go back inside.

61. This ain't right.

62. See, now, that-that

63. right there?

64. That's one of those

65. Similac babies.

66. W.B.:

67. Man, they

68. didn't make them

69. like that when

70. we were young.

71. Uh-uh.

72. Man, if I was 15 now...

73. You'd still be peeking

74. and not playing

75. so shut up.

76. What y'all doing?

77. Yo, yo, yo,

78. Bernie, man, look.

79. Man, these girls

80. dressing like

81. they grown, man.

82. Look at the one in

83. the blue right there.

84. Where?

85. Right there.

86. Mm-hmm.

87. That's Wanda.

88. ( laughing ):

89. Sorry, man.

90. That's my bad, man.

91. I don't envy you, man.

92. My daughter's

93. a year older than Vanessa

94. and I'm already

95. chasing away the boys.

96. Yeah, man,

97. and boys at that age

98. only have one thing

99. on they minds, dog.

100. Uh-huh.

101. Oh, cut it out, man.

102. Y'all are trying to put

103. the cables on me, man.

104. Make me paranoid.

105. Besides, man,

106. you're talking about kids.

107. You know,

108. I ain't worried about it.

109. Wanda's out-out there.

110. She's chaperoning.

111. Mm-hmm.

112. What the hell is that?

113. Hey, man, we're

114. just telling you

115. how little boys are.

116. No need to get upset.

117. No.

118. No!

119. No!

120. Hands off.

121. What are you doing?

122. Man, why your pops

123. got to be like that?

124. I'm not her pops.

125. He's not my pops.

126. Why don't you get in the pool

127. and cool off?

128. I can't swim.

129. I don't want you to swim.

130. Why don't you get

131. in the deep end?

132. Bernie, leave

133. these kids alone.

134. Look here.

135. I'm telling y'all both.

136. I'm not going to let Vanessa

137. bring another mouth

138. in this house for us to feed.

139. What? What are

140. you talking about?

141. I'm talking about your sister

142. too doggone young

143. to become an auntie.

144. That's what I'm talking about.

145. Aunt Wanda, can you please

146. tell your husband

147. to leave me alone?

148. He's ruining my party.

149. She's a good girl.

150. Stop worrying.

151. He was holding

152. her hand, baby.

153. Exactly, Bernie.

154. Holding hands.

155. That's a start.

156. How bad is that?

157. That young boy got

158. hormones jumping

159. all out of his body.

160. And you ain't making

161. it no better

162. with that outfit

163. you got on.

164. You like my outfit,

165. Bernie Mac?

166. Wanda, stop it.

167. You're making it

168. real hard for me

169. to do my duty...

170. as a parent.

171. You let Aunt Wanda handle

172. the duties as a parent

173. and maybe tonight

174. we'll talk

175. about your husbandly duties.

176. Now, shoo.

177. Go on.

178. What you doing?

179. Oh, ah, um... noth...

180. It was time-out.

181. You're a liar.

182. I'm sick of this.

183. How the hell

184. I get back here?

185. Hey... what's this?

186. Huh?

187. I was giving Kevin

188. my number...

189. No, you was giving Kevin

190. my number.

191. How come you're not

192. at the deep end?

193. You better hurry up.

194. Your pager blowin' up.

195. You are ruining my life!

196. Aunt Wanda?

197. Bernie Mac, out!

198. Talking about,

199. I'm ruining your life.

200. Girl, I'm trying

201. to save your life.

202. Well, fine.

203. I'll tell you what.

204. I ain't changing no diapers.

205. Ought to kick you

206. in your chest.

207. Hey, where y'all...

208. Where y'all going?

209. Yo, man, we can catch the game

210. somewhere else, all right?

211. No, no, man.

212. I'm cool, man.

213. Come on, sit down.

214. Sit down.

215. Hey.

216. What?

217. What the...?

218. That little knot head! Hey!

219. Bernie's letting

220. those kids drive

221. him crazy, man.

222. Vanessa!

223. Yeah.

224. What y'all running for?

225. 'Cause you won't

226. leave us alone.

227. Alone?

228. Why you want to be alone?

229. You all must be up

230. to something.

231. We were just getting

232. some soda.

233. Soda? Yeah.

234. I know what that means.

235. You better not be getting

236. no "soda" in this house, boy.

237. What?

238. Don't "what" me, boy.

239. You know exactly what I mean.

240. I'm not going

241. to let you ruin

242. this girl's life.

243. Matter of fact,

244. I want you out of my house.

245. Your party is over!

246. I can't stand you.

247. Yeah, okay.

248. You get out of here.

249. You see how ungrateful she is?

250. She hates me.

251. I'm trying to save her

252. from making a big mistake.

253. I ain't trying

254. to be no hard guy, America.

255. But I'll chase baby girl

256. around this house

257. everyday if I have to

258. if that's what it takes

259. to keep her away from boys...

260. hoo.

261. I hate him.

262. I heard that!

263. I heard that.

264. Hey, babe.

265. This is a great age, huh?

266. Tell me about it.

267. I got a 13-year-old

268. at home.

269. Nothing but trouble.

270. She had a pool party

271. the other day.

272. All kinds of boys

273. walking through the house

274. hitting on her

275. like they're grown.

276. Well, then,

277. I'm the bad guy

278. when I throw their stuff

279. in the pool.

280. I know. I think we

281. ought to lock 'em up

282. from the ages of 13

283. to 18 to keep them safe

284. and then at the age

285. of 18, unlock 'em

286. kick 'em out

287. of the house.

288. That's exactly how I feel.

289. Kids need boundaries.

290. That's why I sent my

291. boy to Catholic school.

292. Me, too.

293. I'm Bernie Mac.

294. Hi. David.

295. Hey, David.

296. There we go.

297. Hey, sport.

298. Hey.

299. Dad, can I go over

300. Jordan's house and play?

301. No. I think

302. Bernie's busy

303. and you got

304. homework. Come on.

305. No, no, no.

306. He can come.

307. I mean, this is

308. a great time

309. for boys to build

310. a lifelong friendship.

311. Yeah.

312. You're right.

313. 4:00?

314. Fine with me.

315. Nessa, get that.

316. Why? None of my friends

317. are welcome here

318. so I know it's

319. not for me.

320. Bernie.

321. Hey, Dave.

322. What's going on? Dave.

323. Byron.

324. Hey, Jordan,

325. Byron's here.

326. Bernie Mac?

327. Yes.

328. I can't believe

329. Dave didn't know

330. who you were.

331. I am your biggest fan.

332. You are, like,

333. the funniest man

334. on the planet.

335. Uh... thank you.

336. Thank you.

337. Thank you.

338. This is Phil, my very

339. over-the-top partner.

340. Partner?

341. Bernie, I was just

342. telling Phil

343. how much you and I have

344. in common.

345. It's uncanny.

346. It's unnatural.

347. Well, I hope you have

348. a good time, Byron.

349. Give Daddy a kiss.

350. Okay.

351. Ciao, Bernie.

352. Ciao.

353. Take it easy.

354. Okay.

355. Here we go.

356. All right.

357. Today is you guys' day.

358. Anything you want

359. to do is fine.

360. Look, I got a football.

361. I got a pair

362. of boxing gloves.

363. Hey, look here.

364. I got toy guns.

365. We can play war.

366. Y-you do play war,

367. don't you, Byron?

368. Oh, what else?

369. See this video game here?

370. This game here—

371. man, you could tear

372. a guy's head clear off!

373. We're gonna have some

374. good regular guy fun today.

375. Make a loop.

376. The bunny goes

377. up the hole

378. around the tree

379. and back into the hole.

380. Now, pull,

381. but not too tight.

382. Like this?

383. What the hell? Yarn?

384. What are you guys doing?

385. Byron's showing me

386. how to make a knot.

387. Why are you using yarn?

388. That's for needlepoint

389. or tying bows on girls...

390. Now, give-give me this.

391. We couldn't find

392. anything else.

393. You mean, you couldn't find

394. wire or-or fishing line

395. extension cord or something

396. like that to play with?

397. Mr. Mac?

398. Yes.

399. Isn't that stuff

400. dangerous?

401. Um... yes.

402. Listen, it's too nice outside

403. for y'all to be inside

404. playing with knots.

405. Come on.

406. I want y'all to get up.

407. I want you to go outside

408. and play.

409. Go on. Why don't you show him

410. some cards or something?

411. Be a man.

412. Bryana's having fun

413. with her dolls.

414. Why don't you go

415. break that up?

416. The Undertaker says

417. bring it on!

418. Oh, the Three Stooges is

419. something else.

420. I'd have killed that mother...

421. Jordan.

422. Jordan, Jordan.

423. Byron, Jordan,

424. stop, stop.

425. Break it up.

426. What's going on here?

427. Y'all are playing

428. too close.

429. We were just

430. playing WWF.

431. I was about to give

432. him a pile driver.

433. There ain't gonna be

434. no pile driver, Jordan.

435. Did I do something wrong?

436. No, son.

437. You didn't do nothing wrong.

438. Listen... I just want y'all

439. to have some fun.

440. Good clean fun, okay?

441. Now, here.

442. Go to it.

443. I'm making too much of this.

444. Maybe I'm too old school.

445. Maybe they're just children.

446. Maybe they're just boys

447. out there having fun.

448. Ain't nothing wrong

449. with that boy.

450. America... the Mac man

451. apologizes.

452. Oh, my Lord!

453. Jordan!

454. That's it. Play date over.

455. But why?

456. 'Cause I said so.

457. But we were having fun.

458. Yeah, that was your

459. first mistake.

460. Byron, let's go get your stuff.

461. Aw!

462. "Aw." Let's go.

463. America,

464. I know exactly what you think.

465. Those are two young boys

466. out there playing

467. and what could be so wrong?

468. See, I'm not trying

469. to mess with the boys' fun.

470. I just don't want them

471. to grow up too soft.

472. See, Jordan, he can be

473. anything he wants to be.

474. If he wants to grow up

475. to be a policeman

476. he can be that.

477. Or how about

478. a construction worker?

479. Nothing wrong with that.

480. He even might want

481. to join the navy.

482. Hey, I have

483. no problem with that.

484. It does not matter if you want

485. to be a biker, or a cowboy

486. or a Indian chief.

487. I personally don't mind.

488. The boy can be

489. whatever he wants to be, right?

490. Whatever he wants to be!

491. See?

492. How you doing, cop?

493. Uh, Chief, your wampum

494. coming out your pouch..

495. L-l-let's move on.

496. Hey, Bernie.

497. Hi.

498. Hey, hey.

499. Hey, buddy.

500. Hi, sport.

501. Everything okay?

502. Yeah. The boys are

503. great, you know?

504. Jordan has asthma

505. and I can see

506. all the activity

507. is kind of

508. wearing him down.

509. Oh, hey, hon.

510. What's going on?

511. Oh, uh, Brenda,

512. this is Bernie.

513. Bernie,

514. this is my wife.

515. Your wife?

516. I thought

517. you and Phil was partners.

518. We are.

519. We're writing

520. partners.

521. But sometimes I think

522. they're the married couple.

523. Hey,

524. you know what?

525. I got to get back.

526. Jordan has the...

527. ( coughs ):

528. wheezes.

529. Sorry.

530. See? That's why I didn't judge.

531. At most, I was overly cautious.

532. And there was children involved.

533. Okay, I hurt Jordan's feelings.

534. I'm sorry.

535. He'll get over it.

536. And if I hurt y'all out there,

537. forgive me.

538. I hate him.

539. I heard that!

540. Take your medicine!

541. So, how we going

542. to get him?

543. I don't know, but we

544. have to choose our

545. time just right.

546. Bryana's asleep.

547. Do you have any plans

548. for tonight?

549. No, you know I ain't

550. got no plans for tonight.

551. Good, because

552. I'm expecting a package.

553. Package?

554. Good night, kids.

555. Good night.

556. Good night.

557. See? Respect.

558. That's what I'm talking about.

559. So, you want me

560. to steal the package.

561. No, no, no; there is no package.

562. That was just a cover-up

563. so they could handle

564. their business.

565. It's more like a code word.

566. Oh. They're nasty.

567. This will be the perfect time

568. for us to get him.

569. Yeah. Let's get him.

570. Do you think there's cookies

571. in the packages?

572. I don't know,

573. but if you help us out

574. I promise I'll get you

575. a whole bunch of cookies.

576. Yay!

577. Shh.

578. ( softly ):

579. Yay.

580. You know, Mrs. Mac

581. I think you're trying

582. to seduce me.

583. And guess what?

584. I kind of like it.

585. Get over here.

586. Uncle Bernie?

587. What?

588. I'm scared.

589. Scared of what?

590. Um, I forgot.

591. Well, come back

592. when you remember.

593. Okay.

594. Uncle Bernie?

595. Baby, hold on.

596. Mmm.

597. Hold on.

598. ( yelling ):

599. What?

600. You see?

601. There's no monsters

602. down here.

603. Now, look, I

604. looked everywhere.

605. Can't find no monsters.

606. Now, anybody else

607. want anything?

608. Okay, good

609. 'cause as of right now

610. Uncle Bernie

611. officially off the clock.

612. Don't call me for nothing.

613. Call me again...

614. and see what happen to you.

615. Is everything okay?

616. They just crazy, man.

617. How do those kids

618. have great timing, man?

619. Who cares?

620. Now it's our time.

621. You know what?

622. What?

623. I been yearning

624. for you, baby.

625. ( whispering ):

626. Now!

627. What the hell

628. is that?

629. Oh, see what I'm

630. talking about?

631. Now, look, I done told you all

632. for the last time

633. not to disturb me, and that mean

634. not even a knock on the door.

635. I don't want you all

636. to get out of bed for nothing.

637. If you put one foot on the floor

638. I'm going to be angry,

639. do you understand me?

640. What if we...?

641. What if nothing!

642. You can't do nothing!

643. I don't care

644. if there earthquake.

645. You just ride it.

646. I should have left you all

647. at Cabrini-Green.

648. Bunch of animals.

649. Like you ain't got

650. no home training.

651. What's that?

652. That's Bernie Mac.

653. No, I'm serious.

654. I heard something outside.

655. It could be a

656. stray cat, right?

657. Meow.

658. See?

659. See?

660. Mmm.

661. Bernie? Bernie, look.

662. What, what, what, what?

663. I told you

664. there's someone

665. in the yard.

666. Who out there?

667. Hold on just a sec...

668. hold on, now.

669. You let me come out there.

670. You picked

671. the wrong house.

672. Wrong house.

673. Why you pick

674. the wrong house?

675. You picked the wrong house!

676. Yes, sir!

677. Now, I'm going

678. to ask you one more time—

679. who out there?

680. It's a monster!

681. See? See? I knew

682. it was you kids.

683. I told you not to get

684. out of bed, didn't I?

685. You're really

686. in trouble now.

687. I don't know who y'all think

688. y'all playing with.

689. Like I ain't never been a kid.

690. I was the worst kid

691. on the block, boy.

692. When I was... yeah, I saw you!

693. I see you! Ha-ha... ow!

694. Whoa... I'm okay.

695. You better hope my leg is broke.

696. I swear, for... lord, whatever

697. on top of me... Wanda.

698. Wanda.

699. Hey.

700. Okay, I understand

701. that you were angry

702. with your Uncle Bernie

703. but did you even consider

704. your Aunt Wanda's feelings?

705. Sorry, Aunt Wanda.

706. You were in the

707. wrong place at

708. the wrong time.

709. Yeah, you were

710. collateral damage.

711. No, no, you all was

712. in the wrong place

713. at the wrong time.

714. I told y'all not

715. to get out of bed

716. and y'all chose to

717. disrespect our privacy.

718. You didn't respect ours.

719. Yeah!

720. You little kids

721. ain't got no

722. doggone privacy.

723. Bernie, stop it.

724. Vanessa?

725. He embarrassed me

726. in front of all my friends.

727. Jordan?

728. I feel like Byron's mad at me

729. 'cause he had to go home early.

730. Bernie,

731. say you're sorry.

732. I'm not saying...

733. Bernie,

734. say you're sorry.

735. I'm sorry.

736. Kids

737. say "That's okay,

738. Uncle Bernie."

739. That's okay, Uncle Bernie.

740. Okay.

741. Great. We're all

742. one big happy family.

743. You go to bed.

744. You three stay.

745. ( mumbling ):

746. gon' tell me

747. I'm damn sorry.

748. I ain't did nothing.

749. Now, your Uncle

750. Bernie has shown you

751. that your feelings

752. are important

753. and he and I need

754. our time alone, you understand?

755. Yes, ma'am.

756. Yes, ma'am.

757. Good

758. because the next person

759. that comes into your room

760. will be me

761. and we don't

762. want that, do we?

763. No, Aunt.

764. No.

765. Good.

766. Good night.

767. And I'll take these.

768. Baby, let's go.

769. Baby?

770. Bernie?

771. We'll pick up on this

772. tomorrow night.

773. Oh, wait,

774. I have a meeting.

775. Okay, some other time.

776. Let me be straight.

777. This ain't about Jordan

778. being gay.

779. I don't care if he play with

780. a little boy or a little girl.

781. I don't want him to be exposed

782. to sex at his age.

783. If you like,

784. I'll put him in a bubble.

785. You ain't gon' tell...

786. Don't tell me

787. how to raise my nephew.

788. If I want him to play with

789. whoever I want him to play with

790. he can play with.

791. Hmm.

792. Captioned by

793. Media Access Group at WGBH