The Bernie Mac Show 1x15

Directed by David Grossman

Carl Reiner as Neighbor • Reginald Ballard as W.B. • Lombardo Boyar as Chuy • Michael Ralph as Kelly • Eileen April Boylan as Shannon

When someone breaks into the Mac house, Bernie realizes how vulnerable his family is and turns the house into a high-security compound. Bernie is reminded by his friends of all the crime that happens outside of the home and drives his family crazy with his overprotectiveness.

Request examples:

!req The Bernie Mac Show 1x15 [02:32]
!req The Bernie Mac Show 1x15 [The Bernie Mac Show 1x15]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Bernie Mac Show 1x15 [10-11]; !req The Bernie Mac Show 1x15 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Yes, y'all with kids,

2. I want you to hear somethin'.

3. Listen.

4. That's right—

5. Quiet.

6. Jealous, ain't you?

7. Yeah, I know.

8. My baby, Wanda, she's out

9. shoppin' with the kids.

10. I got the whole house to myself.

11. And that means Nessa ain't

12. walkin' around rolling her eyes,

13. and Jordan ain't with

14. that annoyin' cackle.

15. Let me tell you somethin'-- I

16. never thought I'd envy the deaf.

17. But don't get me wrong—

18. I love those kids.

19. But silence is golden.

20. You wanna hear it again?

21. Listen.

22. What's that?

23. Wanda?

24. Baby, you back already?

25. Excuse me for a second.

26. Who is it?

27. Wanda?

28. Nessa!

29. Hey!

30. How somebody just gonna

31. come up in my house?

32. What the—

33. What's wrong with people today?

34. It's disgusting, despicable!

35. You're supposed to rob somebody

36. when they're not at home!

37. I gave them all the signals

38. I was here— lights on,

39. truck's in the driveway.

40. I'm talkin' to myself...

41. out loud.

42. What more do I need to do?

43. Meet 'em at the door

44. with a hot toddy? Man!

45. I'm standing at the end here.

46. I saw the punk right there,

47. in here.

48. I chased him and he ran

49. through the hall and jumped

50. out the bathroom window.

51. Bernie!

52. Yeah, right here, baby.

53. What's going on?

54. Somebody broke

55. into the house.

56. Oh, my God.

57. Are you okay?

58. I'm fine, baby.

59. - Did he take any of my stuff?

60. - I'm fine, thank you, selfish.

61. I'm sorry, Officer,

62. about my children—

63. they just selfish.

64. These kids today ain't worth

65. two dead flies smashed.

66. Like I was sayin',

67. if I'd have caught him,

68. I'd have kicked his ass.

69. Mr. Mac, we'll

70. let you know as soon

71. as we get any leads.

72. Meantime, everybody keep

73. these doors and windows locked.

74. Don't make it easy

75. on 'em.

76. Thank you, Officer.

77. Thank you.

78. "Don't make it easy for 'em"?

79. Easy?

80. I'll tell you what, America.

81. I'm gonna protect my family

82. by any means necessary.

83. If somebody comes

84. back up in here, it's gonna be

85. a dark day for him and his mama.

86. There's gonna be a discrepancy,

87. a misunderstandin'.

88. I'm talkin' bustin' heads. I'm

89. talkin' 'bout some slow singin'

90. and flower bringin'.

91. If y'all didn't know,

92. I'm a topthologist

93. in whupassology.

94. Yes, sir. Easy.

95. Come— Come on in.

96. Help yourself. Come on.

97. I'm gonna pop. Whoo.

98. Come on. Come on.

99. Bernie?

100. Yeah?

101. Are you all right?

102. Yeah, I'm all right.

103. Ohh, baby.

104. Ohh.

105. Oh, that feels good.

106. I'm trying to figure out

107. how that guy got up in here.

108. Did you leave that window

109. in the bathroom open?

110. I don't remember, baby.

111. You don't remember?

112. Baby, what if baby girl

113. was here?

114. She'd have been killed.

115. She'd be dead right now.

116. From now on,

117. I want all the windows

118. and doors locked.

119. Okay, baby. Come on now.

120. Just try to relax.

121. I'm trying.

122. Okay.

123. Thank God nothing happened

124. to you. I wouldn't know

125. what I would do.

126. Thank you, baby.

127. What is it?

128. Shh.

129. Wait a minute.

130. You hear somethin'?

131. Mm-mmm.

132. You didn't hear nothin'?

133. Mm-mmm.

134. Probably nothin'.

135. Where you goin'?

136. Gonna check the door in the den.

137. I'm not sure I locked it.

138. I don't know what's going on

139. with me, America.

140. Back home I saw evildoin'

141. and crime all the time.

142. I'm not ashamed to say

143. that Bernie Mac might

144. have been involved...

145. on the other side of it

146. occasionally.

147. It never

148. made me jumpy before.

149. This good livin' makin' me soft.

150. I gotta get my edge back.

151. - Man, I'm gonna

152. bust your head wide—

153. What you doin'? I almost

154. killed you with my bat!

155. Bernie, what's happening?

156. Uncle Bernie almost killed me

157. with his bat!

158. No more bat!

159. No, no, baby.

160. Baby, listen.

161. No, no, no!

162. I didn't know—

163. Did you see that?

164. I almost clubbed Bryana

165. like a baby seal.

166. What's wrong with me,

167. America?

168. I feel violated.

169. I can't go on like this.

170. I don't want you

171. to see me like this.

172. I got an image

173. to maintain.

174. Cut the camera off.

175. Cut it off.

176. Gather 'round, kids.

177. I wanna show you something.

178. You see this?

179. This is not a toy.

180. The next time someone tries

181. to break into our home,

182. this may save our lives,

183. provided we use it

184. correctly.

185. The first one in

186. must use the code,

187. and our code

188. will be 1-3-8.

189. Let me hear you say it.

190. 1-3-8.

191. Thank you. Here's a hint

192. to remind you of the code.

193. It's the first three numbers

194. of our address.

195. That's clever.

196. I thought of that myself.

197. Let's move on.

198. The last one out

199. must shut the door

200. and arm the system.

201. And how do you

202. arm the system?

203. You press B-4.

204. As in "B-4" I leave,

205. I must arm the system.

206. If not, the police will come.

207. You'd be arrested

208. as accomplices.

209. That's right—

210. That means you're

211. gonna go to jail,

212. and I will send you to jail,

213. so remember,

214. B-4, and you got 15 seconds

215. to get out.

216. Let's move on.

217. Now, next is false alarm.

218. If there's a false alarm,

219. the police will call,

220. and you got to give

221. the password—

222. you got to.

223. And the password's

224. gonna be Claudine because

225. that's my favorite movie.

226. I thought your favorite movie

227. was Cooley High.

228. Yeah, well, Cooley High

229. is my favorite Chicago movie.

230. Car Wash is my favorite

231. L.A. movie,

232. and Claudine is my favorite

233. New York movie, along with

234. Cotton Comes to Harlem.

235. Let's just say

236. that Claudine is my favorite

237. Diahann Carroll movie.

238. - Who's Diahann Carroll?

239. - You don't know Diahann—

240. Diahann Carroll—

241. Let's move on.

242. I'll bet those kids

243. feel safer already,

244. 'cause you know what?

245. I know I do.

246. I have to admit.

247. This alarm system thing

248. was a great idea.

249. I don't know why I didn't

250. get myself one a long time ago.

251. It's so simple.

252. Look, I'm gettin'

253. my edge back.

254. Come on, y'all.

255. Let's go. Let's go!

256. All right, all right.

257. Good, good.

258. Now, everybody got everything?

259. Nobody leavin' anything?

260. 'Cause I don't wanna get outside

261. for y'all to realize

262. you forgot something.

263. Okay?

264. Come on. Let's go.

265. I forgot my lunch!

266. I forgot my book!

267. I wanna go with Vanessa!

268. Come on, Jordan, Nessa.

269. We gotta go! Come on!

270. Come on, man!

271. Come on, come on. Let's go.

272. Come on, baby girl.

273. Good. Hold on.

274. God!

275. - Hey, Bernie. How's it goin'?

276. - Good, Carl. How you doin'?

277. - How are the kids coming along?

278. - Good, Carl.

279. - Bernie. I rented your Kings

280. of Comedy the other night.

281. - Oh, no kidding.

282. - You were really funny.

283. - Thank you.

284. A little filthy for my taste,

285. but that's what they're

286. doing now, right?

287. It's not for everybody, Carl.

288. Oh, listen. Hey.

289. I gotta ask you.

290. - You know, "Seedric—"

291. "Seedric" the Entertainer?

292. - His name's Cedric.

293. Calls himself an entertainer.

294. You're all entertainers.

295. I don't know why he does that.

296. - Yeah. See you, Carl.

297. - Oh, wait.

298. What's that phrase you use?

299. - "Who's with you now?"

300. - It's, "Who you with?"

301. - Who you with?

302. - Yeah, yeah.

303. You're sure? Not who—

304. Well, that's probably funnier.

305. I gotta go, Carl.

306. Okay. Hey, Bernie!

307. - Your alarm's gone off.

308. - I hear it. Don't you hear it?

309. Yeah, you better get in there.

310. May be a criminal in there.

311. - No, I hope not.

312. - If there is, apprehend him.

313. You need help,

314. don't come here.

315. Okay, Carl.

316. "Who's with you?"

317. No, no.

318. "Who you with?"

319. - Hold it right there.

320. - No, no, no, sir.

321. I live here.

322. Be that as it may, uh,

323. your alarm was activated.

324. - We need your password.

325. - Oh, my password.

326. Uh—

327. Come on, Lord! Oh.

328. It's a black movie.

329. Uh— Cooley High.

330. Car Wash.

331. Cotton Comes to Harlem.

332. Lilies of the Field.

333. Is this your daddy?

334. - He's our uncle.

335. He stays here.

336. - What?

337. I stay here?

338. No, you stay here!

339. I live here.

340. This is my house!

341. All right.

342. Have a nice night and,

343. uh, learn your password.

344. Thank you, Officer.

345. What is it?

346. Mandingo?

347. It's Claudine.

348. When the man asked,

349. you should've said something!

350. Go in now! Go on!

351. Hee-hee-hee nothin'!

352. What was that?

353. Did y'all hear somethin'?

354. Nah. That's all right.

355. This spot is secure.

356. Seriously, man.

357. Did y'all hear somethin'?

358. That ain't funny.

359. I paid a lot of doggone money

360. for this system.

361. I'm supposed to feel secure.

362. It's startin' again.

363. There it go again,

364. doggone it.

365. Oh, Lord!

366. Yo, man, it's getting ugly

367. out there.

368. Last week,

369. a lady got jacked

370. at the gas station.

371. Yeah?

372. You know,

373. in broad daylight.

374. And dig— they let her

375. fill up the car first,

376. then they took it.

377. - Scandalous.

378. - Now that's lowdown, man.

379. It's not safe out there

380. anymore. I haven't been

381. to an A.T.M. in years.

382. Well, you ain't got

383. no money either.

384. That's cold.

385. No, I'm serious. I won't

386. even let my daughter go

387. to the mall alone, man.

388. Packs of kids running around,

389. hangin' out, you know,

390. picking fights.

391. "Where you from, fool?"

392. Know what I'm saying?

393. It's dangerous, man.

394. One of her girlfriends almost

395. got pulled into someone's car.

396. What?

397. Now my family only goes

398. to the mall together, man.

399. I mean, in a bus, but—

400. In a bus— In a bus—

401. But y'all, like, together?

402. Yo, he's not kidding, man.

403. It's serious, man.

404. It's not just about

405. protecting your house, man.

406. The question is,

407. how you gonna protect

408. yourself, brother?

409. You just tryin' to make me

410. paranoid, ain't you?

411. You all think we're tight now.

412. We're gonna be

413. even tighter

414. as a family...

415. because as of right now,

416. we're all gonna do

417. everything together.

418. Baby girl, if you gotta go

419. to ballet practice?

420. We're all goin' with her,

421. together.

422. Jordan, if you need

423. wheezin' medicine,

424. we're all goin' to

425. get it with him,

426. together.

427. Nessa, if you wanna go

428. to the movie with your friend,

429. we're all gonna go...

430. together.

431. Now, I know it might sound

432. a little extreme,

433. but that's all right.

434. The last thing I want, kids,

435. is somebody to end up

436. killing you...

437. before I get a chance to.

438. What if I have to go

439. to the bathroom?

440. We're all gonna go with you,

441. together,

442. and we'll all just close

443. our eyes, together.

444. - Uncle Bernie,

445. that's really gross.

446. - You keep your lips... together.

447. I hate him.

448. Hatin' is fine...

449. as long as we're hatin'...

450. together.

451. So, you wanna work

452. on our vaults?

453. Aren't you tired?

454. Yeah, but I don't

455. wanna go home. My uncle's

456. driving me crazy.

457. Why don't we go

458. to the mall?

459. Great.

460. Hey, baby.

461. Hi, Shannon.

462. - What y'all

463. getting ready to do?

464. - We're going to the mall.

465. Hey, kids, we're gettin'

466. ready to go to the mall.

467. Shannon invited me.

468. Come on now, Nessa.

469. You know the rules.

470. We do everything together.

471. You mean that stupid rule

472. that you made up just

473. because you're scared?

474. All right then, Nessa.

475. You tryin' to bust me out

476. in front of your friend.

477. I'm gonna show you

478. how scared I am.

479. From now on,

480. you're grounded.

481. You know what that mean, Nessa?

482. That mean you stay in the house.

483. So you wanna see your friend,

484. your friend gotta come over

485. and see you.

486. I'm gonna tell you

487. something else, Nessa.

488. Since I'm so scared,

489. we're all punished together.

490. That's right.

491. And you know what else?

492. You gotta thank your sister

493. for that.

494. So why don't we

495. thank her together?

496. Say, "Thank you, Nessa."

497. Thank you, Nessa.

498. That's how scared I am.

499. Come on!

500. Oh, my God, Bryana!

501. What happened?

502. Aunt Wanda?

503. You gotta help us.

504. What is going on?

505. Bryana, are you hurt?

506. No, I was just

507. pretending.

508. Look, Uncle Bernie

509. is ruining our lives.

510. He punished us all,

511. and we can't even

512. leave the house.

513. The only way we can see

514. our friends is if they

515. come over here.

516. Here!

517. Your Uncle Bernie

518. was a little shaken up

519. by the break-in.

520. He just needs some time

521. to deal with it.

522. What's the big deal?

523. They used to break into our

524. house every week in Chicago.

525. One time it was

526. my mommy's friend,

527. what she said was our uncle.

528. Well—

529. Can't you get a divorce?

530. If you leave him now,

531. you can get half— car,

532. maybe even the house.

533. You know, kids, he really

534. does care about you.

535. And this won't last

536. for long,

537. but in the meantime,

538. if he says have friends over,

539. have friends over.

540. Okay.

541. What's up, you squares?

542. How you doin'?

543. Vanessa!

544. Aah! Get outta there!

545. revolution, gun control

546. Hey!

547. Hey.

548. Get the hell out of here.

549. Get the hell out of my house!

550. Everybody, out, out!

551. Right here, right here.

552. No. No. Stay here.

553. Out!

554. Man, why don't you just

555. lock us in our room

556. until we're 21?

557. Yeah!

558. That's the best thing I heard

559. all doggone day.

560. I haven't seen daylight

561. in two days!

562. You wanna see some sun, Nessa?

563. Go in the kitchen and look up

564. at the skylight.

565. You didn't know

566. we had a skylight!

567. You know why?

568. 'Cause you ain't never

569. had your butt at home!

570. I wanna dig for bugs!

571. You know what?

572. I try to look out for you kids!

573. Y'all don't appreciate nothin'!

574. - What? That's a lie!

575. [ TV: Woman Talking,

576. Indistinct ]

577. Wait, wait, wait,

578. wait, wait, wait!

579. Two more people are being led

580. out of the house right now.

581. We believe the situation

582. has been stabilized,

583. Come here, baby.

584. although it's still unclear

585. whether the gas

586. has been shut off.

587. Wait a minute.

588. I'm— right.

589. Can you tell me

590. his condition?

591. It is stable?

592. Well, this is a miracle.

593. It looks tonight,

594. everyone, as if no one

595. has been seriously hurt.

596. To recap, for those of you

597. who just tuned in,

598. it appears that

599. a gas pipe has burst

600. at this home in Pomona.

601. We do believe at this time

602. that everyone has

603. gotten out safely.

604. Wait a minute.

605. I—

606. I'm just getting word

607. that there is one more person

608. inside of that house.

609. They're— They're

610. bringing them out now.

611. Right. It— It appears

612. to be a little girl.

613. What— What's that?

614. Oh.

615. She's not moving?

616. I-I don't think

617. the little girl

618. has made it.

619. It does look as if

620. the little girl has died...

621. from this gas leak tonight.

622. This is an unexpected

623. turn of events—

624. triumph turning into tragedy...

625. before our very eyes.

626. The ambulance now

627. leaving the scene.

628. There's not much more

629. I can say.

630. Reporting live from Pomona,

631. I'm John Charles.

632. You know something, America?

633. You try to protect your family

634. the best you can,

635. but in the end,

636. there's not really much

637. you can do...

638. 'cause, see, gas pipes burst,

639. people rob houses,

640. planes fly into buildings.

641. So what you gonna do?

642. You gonna live in fear?

643. You got to live your life.

644. Have fun, be yourself,

645. make mistakes.

646. See, Bernie Mac

647. may have overreacted,

648. but one thing he did get right—

649. it's important to be together.

650. See, I told you once before,

651. America— we're family.

652. You and I—

653. we are family.

654. Always and forever.

655. Y'all take care.

656. I'll see you later.

657. Oh, hey, hey, hey!

658. - I gotta ask you

659. a personal question.

660. - What's that, Carl?

661. I need a cap here.

662. Where do you get your caps?

663. Who's your dentist?

664. It's Dr. Beiter.

665. They're not caps, Carl.

666. These are my real teeth.

667. If those are not caps,

668. if those are real,

669. that's the best teeth

670. in the history of the world.

671. Thank you, Carl.

672. You and Julie Andrews—

673. number one, two

674. in the world of smiling.

675. Thank you, Carl.

676. You're number one.

677. "Who's with you?"

678. No, no. "Who you with?"