The Bernie Mac Show 1x14

Directed by Lee Shallat Chemel

Aria Wallace as Lara • Reginald Ballard as W.B. • Lombardo Boyar as Chuy • Michael Ralph as Kelly • Pete Gardner as Doctor

Bernie becomes concerned when he begins to see the classic signs that old age is catching up with him. He's forgetful, has aches and pains, and is finding gray hairs in, uh, unwanted places. When a panic attack sends Bernie to the Emergency Room after an argument with the kids, he decides to not let the kids send him to an early grave. He fights back and begins trying to act young again. He blasts his music and nags his friends for not staying up all night to play poker with him. Bernie only makes matters worse however when all his ""young"" activities take their toll on his mind and body. When Bryana asks Bernie to play in her Father-Daughter Basketball tournament at school, he complains, saying that he is just too old to play. When he gets to the game though, he realizes that he should be playing and joins in. Although he gets hurt playing, Bernie realizes that being old doesn't mean stopping your life.

Request examples:

!req The Bernie Mac Show 1x14 [02:32]
!req The Bernie Mac Show 1x14 [The Bernie Mac Show 1x14]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Bernie Mac Show 1x14 [10-11]; !req The Bernie Mac Show 1x14 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Captioning sponsored by

2. FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

3. and REGENCY TELEVISION

4. around something, baby.

5. I go this way,

6. I got something else going.

7. Oh, hey, America.

8. How you doing?

9. I'm just very put out

10. at the moment.

11. America, Bernie Mac is vexed.

12. Listen, I walked in the kitchen

13. and I see trash

14. that's overrunning.

15. Smell nasty!

16. Funky, foul.

17. So, I asked Vanessa

18. why she didn't take

19. the trash out, like I told her.

20. She had the audacity

21. to look me in the eye

22. and boldface lie, I tell you.

23. Said I never told her,

24. when I know good and well I did.

25. That's pathological.

26. That's why I banished her

27. to her room just now.

28. What you laughing at?

29. You told me

30. to take out the trash!

31. Well, why you didn't

32. do it, then?

33. Uh-oh.

34. I could have sworn

35. I gave Vanessa that chore.

36. The kids got me

37. all discombobulated.

38. So, I guess I punished

39. the poor girl for nothing.

40. Well, I'm sure she'll do

41. something later on.

42. So, what was I getting ready

43. to do, America?

44. What was I...?

45. Oh, yeah.

46. 'Scuse me one minute.

47. ( yelling ):

48. Come here, boy!

49. Baby girl, you seen my keys?

50. Uh-uh.

51. You sure?

52. Uncle Bernie,

53. pull my finger.

54. What?

55. Uncle Bernie, hurry.

56. Pull my finger.

57. Well, don't you

58. see I'm busy?

59. I'll pull it.

60. Ain't nobody

61. pulling nothing!

62. Uncle Bernie, hurry.

63. I can't hold it much longer.

64. Pull my finger.

65. Boy, you better not pass

66. no gas up in here.

67. Go in the bathroom,

68. like you got some doggone sense.

69. Too late.

70. You stinkin'...

71. Oh, oh, 'Nessa!

72. Bryana!

73. Oh-aw!

74. Jordan.

75. Thank you, Wanda.

76. Jordan!

77. You know, you know

78. better than that.

79. What was I looking for?

80. Y'all see

81. what these kids doing to me.

82. I can't think no more.

83. They make my brain hot.

84. It's like I got a George Foreman

85. grill in my head

86. and I got to drain the grease.

87. If they keep it up,

88. I'm going to lose my mind.

89. ( weeping ):

90. And I know

91. they gonna keep it up.

92. You know it, too.

93. All right. Car seat,

94. backpack, jacket.

95. I think we got everything.

96. No, no, no, you don't.

97. You ain't bringing that

98. drippy mess in my car.

99. But I'm not finished.

100. Throw it away.

101. I don't want to.

102. Throw it away.

103. But I don't want to.

104. Jordan!

105. Uncle Bernie!

106. Uncle Bernie!

107. Oh, Lord.

108. Hey, Wanda?

109. Hmm?

110. I think something

111. wrong with me.

112. I can't remember now.

113. I'm losing my memory.

114. Don't worry, baby.

115. It happens to everyone

116. once in a while.

117. Yeah.

118. But I ain't talking

119. every once in a while.

120. It keeps up, Baby

121. Girl going to be

122. on a milk carton.

123. Hey, Wanda?

124. Hmm?

125. You think I got

126. a brain tumor

127. or a memory cancer?

128. Maybe you should just

129. write things down.

130. Yeah.

131. She's right.

132. I just need a little help

133. on keeping things straight.

134. I'm not going to let

135. the little devils kill

136. my brain cells, oh, no.

137. See, that's

138. where technology come in.

139. Look. Check it out.

140. It got a to-do list,

141. an address book

142. and a section where I can write

143. my little reminder notes

144. like "Kill Jordan"

145. and "Kill Vanessa"

146. "Tell baby girl her brother

147. and sister ran away."

148. I need to get that down.

149. Where did I put

150. that little pen thingie at?

151. I just had it.

152. Don't see it.

153. I cannot believe...

154. I had the thing

155. right around here.

156. Man, this is... Aw!

157. Oh, my knee.

158. Lord...

159. Oh, Lord!

160. Bernie, it looks like

161. a drugstore in here.

162. Are you okay?

163. Uh, couple or few

164. nagging little things

165. bothering me, baby.

166. It's those doggone kids, man.

167. They wearing me down

168. like a virus.

169. But you better believe,

170. I'm fighting back.

171. With the miracle

172. of modern medicine,

173. I'm fighting back.

174. Bernie, I don't

175. use hair dye.

176. It's mine, baby.

177. But you've been getting

178. gray hair since you were 20.

179. On my head.

180. Oh...

181. Well, as long as

182. everything still works

183. I wouldn't

184. worry about it.

185. Uncle Bernie?

186. We've decided that we don't want

187. fish tonight.

188. What you mean, you decided?

189. Well, we took a vote,

190. and we want Royal Burger.

191. What you mean, you took a vote?

192. Royal Burger!

193. Royal Burger!

194. Royal Burger!

195. Royal Burger!

196. Her, hey, hey, hey, hey.

197. Ain't no Royal Burger nothing.

198. Royal nothing.

199. We're making fish.

200. Royal Burgers

201. have fish.

202. Royal Burger...

203. Royal Burger...

204. Look, look, look.

205. Shut up!

206. I can see what they're doing.

207. But they can't break me down.

208. I'm fully medicated.

209. Stop bouncing

210. Baby girl,

211. stop it.

212. But you promised

213. you'd make us

214. Royal Burger.

215. You promised.

216. You lied.

217. Who you calling a liar, Jordan?

218. Liar, liar, liar!

219. Jordan, Jordan,

220. you calling me...?

221. You calling me a liar?

222. You calling me

223. a liar? Huh?

224. Liar, liar, liar,

225. liar, liar, liar...!

226. Would you quit

227. moving like that?

228. Liar, liar, liar, liar,

229. liar, liar, liar, liar!

230. Liar, liar, liar

231. liar, liar, liar!

232. Royal Burger,

233. Royal Burger,

234. Royal Burger...!

235. Uncle Bernie?

236. Is he okay?

237. Are you all right?

238. Ow!

239. Well, your heart is fine.

240. You just had an attack

241. of acute acid reflux—

242. painful, but far from fatal.

243. Doc, is that like heartburn?

244. Yes.

245. See, as we get older,

246. fatty foods and alcohol

247. overeating can

248. really take a toll.

249. So, you're saying

250. I ended up in the E.R.

251. because I ate too much?

252. Well, that

253. could be a cause

254. but sometimes

255. it's just stress.

256. Do you have any new sources

257. of stress in your life?

258. Look, the fact is, Mr. Mac,

259. you're getting older.

260. And as much as

261. we'd all like to

262. you can't stop

263. the aging process.

264. You just can't stop it.

265. I'm talking about

266. the aging process.

267. It didn't even start

268. until these kids came around.

269. I'll tell you one thing,

270. I'm not going to let it send me

271. to my grave

272. before my time, no, sir

273. because Mac man's

274. going to fight back.

275. I'm going to change

276. my way of life.

277. Get back to my old self.

278. Like I was back in the day.

279. Maximum Mac, baby.

280. Hey, can you turn

281. down your oldies?

282. I'm trying to do my homework.

283. What?

284. I'm listening

285. to my music.

286. I don't say nothing to you,

287. 'Nessa, when you listen

288. to that crap you call music.

289. Yes, you do.

290. Well, it's my house.

291. You want some privacy

292. why don't you go to the library

293. or one of your friend's homes?

294. You got a lot

295. of nerve, man.

296. Talking about, you listen

297. to Mary J. Blige

298. uh, uh, those Street Boys

299. and all that bull.

300. Talking about, "oldies"?

301. Music.

302. She had the nerve

303. to call my music oldies, man.

304. The Isley Brothers

305. ain't oldies, man.

306. Isley Brothers's goodies.

307. Hmm.

308. Bernie—

309. when's the last time

310. you seen Ronald Isley?

311. That brother's about

312. 97 years old, man.

313. Come on, man, come on.

314. Okay, okay, okay.

315. He's old.

316. That don't make us

317. old for listening

318. to him now, Kelly?

319. Yeah, mm.

320. Come on, now, ain't

321. none of us old, right?

322. Uh, uh, fellows, looky here.

323. That's a good hand.

324. Read them and weep.

325. Come on, man,

326. come on, man, come on.

327. That's it for me,

328. man. I'm done.

329. Come on, Chuy,

330. you done, man?

331. Chuy, what you

332. be talking about?

333. It's early,

334. it's only 10:30.

335. Yo, I got to get going too, man.

336. Why do you get going?

337. Man, look here— we used to play

338. all night long, man.

339. Come on, man, we ain't never

340. left like this.

341. What's the problem now?

342. We got kids, now, man.

343. I know, see.

344. See, you ain't

345. got no kids.

346. Yeah, I'm just old, man.

347. He ain't lying about that.

348. Come on, Kelly,

349. we ain't old.

350. Ain't none

351. of us old, man.

352. Come on,

353. play one more.

354. Chuy, come on.

355. Bam!

356. Yo, you win, dog.

357. Yeah.

358. Look, I got to go crash, man.

359. Come on, what you mean,

360. you going to crash, big fella?

361. Come on, you never

362. did me like this.

363. Oh, man, it's 3:00 a.m.

364. If I don't get no sleep soon

365. I'm going to pay for it

366. in the morning.

367. Okay, okay, fine, fine. Go.

368. And take your lightweight

369. with you— go on.

370. Oh, man, come on

371. now, man...

372. You ain't never did

373. this to me, man.

374. Let's go.

375. ( mocking friends ):

376. "Oh, it's 3:00 a.m.

377. If I don't get my beauty sleep

378. I'm going to pay for it

379. in the morning.

380. Please— back in the day

381. I could stay up all night

382. sleep an hour

383. and wake up fresh.

384. Uncle Bernie? Uncle Bernie?

385. ( shouting ):

386. Uncle Bernie!

387. Baby girl, please stop

388. hollering, please.

389. ( voice echoing ):

390. Uncle Bernie

391. are you dying?

392. If God have mercy on me.

393. ( shouting ):

394. Uncle Bernie...

395. That's nice.

396. Yes, it is.

397. I'm sorry.

398. 23 seconds.

399. That's humbling.

400. What y'all looking at?

401. Oh, you think I'm some kind

402. of old man?

403. You think my best days

404. behind me?

405. Maybe they are.

406. Uncle Bernie

407. will you play with me?

408. Not now, Baby Girl.

409. Not now.

410. No, look.

411. What?

412. "Daddy and me basketball.

413. Come join the fun."

414. Baby Girl, I don't know.

415. I'm too old.

416. I don't think I'd be able

417. to do that.

418. My body's worn out, sweetheart.

419. I ain't got it like that.

420. I know one thing:

421. back in the day

422. I used to play basketball

423. from sunup to sundown.

424. Yes, sir.

425. The only reason I stopped,

426. we didn't have no streetlights.

427. And I used to rule

428. the court, too.

429. People used to come

430. see me play

431. all around.

432. Come on, let's go, man.

433. That's three.

434. And I'll tell you

435. something else:

436. That's exactly what

437. you and me gonna do.

438. And you know what else?

439. We gonna win it, too.

440. Yay!

441. You want me to show you

442. some of my moves?

443. Come on.

444. Uncle Bernie will show you.

445. Little girl, watch me

446. school these guys.

447. What's up, you squares?

448. Can I run with y'all?

449. I guess, man.

450. Yeah, "come on, old man."

451. Can an old man do this, huh?

452. That's cool.

453. You know

454. what I'm saying.

455. Don't hurt yourself.

456. This an old man?

457. Why do an old man

458. move like that?

459. Oh... oh!

460. I'm going to show you

461. what an old man can do.

462. Look, look, look.

463. Oh...

464. Uncle Bernie.

465. Little girl, don't look.

466. You did.

467. Yeah, it's true, America.

468. The kids won.

469. I'm over the hill now.

470. My time is passed.

471. And trying to fight it

472. only makes you look foolish

473. like Fat Elvis

474. or Little Richard.

475. I ain't got time for that.

476. From now on, I got to slow down,

477. act my age.

478. Now go on, America.

479. I need to get my rest.

480. Oh, Bernie, you look miserable.

481. Isn't there any way I can make

482. you more comfortable?

483. Oh, Wanda, don't do that!

484. Don't, don't do that.

485. There's nothing you can do.

486. When I sit up...

487. when I sit up, my back hurts.

488. When I lay down

489. my reflux started kicking in.

490. So why don't you sit

491. in your chair a little?

492. I can't.

493. Hemorrhoids.

494. Well, Nurse Wanda

495. is running out

496. to the store

497. but when she gets back

498. she'll give you

499. a little sponge bath.

500. How'd the patient

501. like that?

502. Oh...

503. Oh, Wanda! My neck!

504. Get away from me.

505. Jordan, Jordan, stop it.

506. Stop it.

507. You making a mess.

508. Jordan!

509. Did y'all hear what I...?

510. Boy, you just look

511. at this mess you made.

512. I'm gonna whup his ass.

513. I'm not kidding.

514. Jordan!

515. Look at this.

516. I'm gonna whup his ass.

517. I ain't...

518. Jordan! Jordan!

519. He think I'm playing.

520. He think I am playing

521. around here.

522. I'm not playing...

523. Boy, I tell you,

524. I whup your ass, I'm...

525. Who in the heck am I kidding?

526. I couldn't whup his ass

527. if my life depended on it.

528. I'm too old to be running around

529. after kids.

530. I might really hurt myself.

531. From now on,

532. Bernie Mac's retired.

533. Now... I got time to catch up

534. on my reading.

535. Hey!

536. Hey!

537. Here.

538. Thank you, sweetheart.

539. Mm-hmm.

540. Appreciate it.

541. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

542. What you doing?

543. You were asleep.

544. I wasn't asleep.

545. I was resting my eyes.

546. Turn it back.

547. Whatever.

548. Bernie, get out of bed.

549. For what, Wanda?

550. I'm tired...

551. I ain't in no shape...

552. Baby, I been trying

553. to get up all day...

554. Bryana's basketball game.

555. I can't play

556. no basketball.

557. Wanda, I'm tired.

558. My back hurts

559. and everything.

560. I ain't going to be able

561. to do that.

562. Oh, you don't have to play.

563. I got W.B. to fill in.

564. I knew you wouldn't be able to.

565. What?

566. You obviously aren't

567. feeling up to it.

568. Do you think you're strong

569. enough to go down and watch?

570. Strong enough?

571. Well, after the other night...

572. The other night?

573. Why she got to bring that up?

574. That's a sensitive subject,

575. America.

576. Now she got W.B. taking my spot.

577. That's ridiculous.

578. I mean, ludicrous, absurd.

579. I'm still here.

580. I may be a lot of things,

581. but I ain't dead yet.

582. And even if it kills me,

583. I'm not gonna be replaced.

584. No, sir.

585. There ain't no substitute

586. for Bernie Mac.

587. Substitute, Ref!

588. Uncle Bernie!

589. Yo, man, what are

590. you doing here?

591. Hey, man, thanks for

592. holding it down, man.

593. But I had to do it

594. for baby girl.

595. Aw, man, that's

596. all good, dog.

597. Yo, and I'm glad to see

598. Bernie Mac is back.

599. Oh, I'm back.

600. And dig.

601. What's that?

602. Little girl, she goes

603. to her left.

604. How many daddies

605. do you have?

606. ( "Sweet Georgia Brown"

607. playing )

608. Baby girl, you ain't seen

609. nothing yet.

610. Take that.

611. That's the last time

612. that's going to happen.

613. Yeah, what's up?

614. Baby girl, catch this.

615. Here you go.

616. Go, baby.

617. Come on.

618. Come on, baby girl...

619. Come on, baby girl...

620. Yeah!

621. Rejected!

622. Violation.

623. What you talking about?

624. Sir, you can not block

625. her shot like that.

626. But I'm trying to win

627. the game, man.

628. That's how we did back

629. in the day. Come on!

630. Sir, this is not

631. a competitive event.

632. At Wellington, all

633. the kids are winners.

634. I bet you their

635. team don't win.

636. I guarantee it.

637. My team gonna win.

638. I'm going to have to ask

639. you just to calm down.

640. Calm down?

641. What you mean calm down?

642. What you gonna

643. do if I don't?

644. You gonna give me

645. a technical?

646. Sir, again, this is

647. a kid's game.

648. There are no technicals.

649. Then I ain't got

650. to calm down.

651. It's basketball.

652. This ain't field hockey!

653. Technical!

654. Come on, what you mean!

655. Only reason you called it

656. 'cause I'm black.

657. Only reason.

658. That's some bull!

659. Hey, baby...

660. I'm back!

661. You know what?

662. That felt real good.

663. I mean, I landed

664. on my head and all

665. but you know, the thrill

666. of victory

667. worth a couple of more weeks

668. in this here scooter.

669. See, everyone gets old,

670. whether you got kids or not.

671. But I mean, well, so what?

672. The truth is, I like being old.

673. I like my music.

674. I like my movies.

675. And I truly like

676. who the heck I am.

677. And I'm not just getting better

678. with age.

679. I mean, like fine wine.

680. No matter how old I get,

681. I'll still be the Mac man.

682. Honey,

683. can you help me?

684. Yeah.

685. I think I found

686. a gray hair.

687. Bend down and let

688. me see it, baby.

689. Not on my head.

690. Drop it like it's hot.

691. Ooh...

692. Here's your ride home.

693. "Drop it like it's hot."

694. Hmm nothing.

695. Captioned by

696. Media Access Group at WGBH