The Bernie Mac Show 1x14

Directed by Lee Shallat Chemel

Aria Wallace as Lara • Reginald Ballard as W.B. • Lombardo Boyar as Chuy • Michael Ralph as Kelly • Pete Gardner as Doctor

Bernie becomes concerned when he begins to see the classic signs that old age is catching up with him. He's forgetful, has aches and pains, and is finding gray hairs in, uh, unwanted places. When a panic attack sends Bernie to the Emergency Room after an argument with the kids, he decides to not let the kids send him to an early grave. He fights back and begins trying to act young again. He blasts his music and nags his friends for not staying up all night to play poker with him. Bernie only makes matters worse however when all his ""young"" activities take their toll on his mind and body. When Bryana asks Bernie to play in her Father-Daughter Basketball tournament at school, he complains, saying that he is just too old to play. When he gets to the game though, he realizes that he should be playing and joins in. Although he gets hurt playing, Bernie realizes that being old doesn't mean stopping your life.

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1. Captioning sponsored by

2. and REGENCY TELEVISION

3. around something, baby.

4. I go this way,

5. I got something else going.

6. Oh, hey, America.

7. How you doing?

8. I'm just very put out

9. at the moment.

10. America, Bernie Mac is vexed.

11. Listen, I walked in the kitchen

12. and I see trash

13. that's overrunning.

14. Smell nasty!

15. Funky, foul.

16. So, I asked Vanessa

17. why she didn't take

18. the trash out, like I told her.

19. She had the audacity

20. to look me in the eye

21. and boldface lie, I tell you.

22. Said I never told her,

23. when I know good and well I did.

24. That's pathological.

25. That's why I banished her

26. to her room just now.

27. What you laughing at?

28. You told me

29. to take out the trash!

30. Well, why you didn't

31. do it, then?

32. Uh-oh.

33. I could have sworn

34. I gave Vanessa that chore.

35. The kids got me

36. all discombobulated.

37. So, I guess I punished

38. the poor girl for nothing.

39. Well, I'm sure she'll do

40. something later on.

41. So, what was I getting ready

42. to do, America?

43. What was I...?

44. Oh, yeah.

45. 'Scuse me one minute.

46. Come here, boy!

47. Baby girl, you seen my keys?

48. Uh-uh.

49. You sure?

50. Uncle Bernie,

51. pull my finger.

52. What?

53. Uncle Bernie, hurry.

54. Pull my finger.

55. Well, don't you

56. see I'm busy?

57. I'll pull it.

58. Ain't nobody

59. pulling nothing!

60. Uncle Bernie, hurry.

61. I can't hold it much longer.

62. Pull my finger.

63. Boy, you better not pass

64. no gas up in here.

65. Go in the bathroom,

66. like you got some doggone sense.

67. Too late.

68. You stinkin'...

69. Oh, oh, 'Nessa!

70. Bryana!

71. Oh-aw!

72. Jordan.

73. Thank you, Wanda.

74. Jordan!

75. You know, you know

76. better than that.

77. What was I looking for?

78. Y'all see

79. what these kids doing to me.

80. I can't think no more.

81. They make my brain hot.

82. It's like I got a George Foreman

83. grill in my head

84. and I got to drain the grease.

85. If they keep it up,

86. I'm going to lose my mind.

87. And I know

88. they gonna keep it up.

89. You know it, too.

90. All right. Car seat,

91. backpack, jacket.

92. I think we got everything.

93. No, no, no, you don't.

94. You ain't bringing that

95. drippy mess in my car.

96. But I'm not finished.

97. Throw it away.

98. I don't want to.

99. Throw it away.

100. But I don't want to.

101. Jordan!

102. Uncle Bernie!

103. Uncle Bernie!

104. Oh, Lord.

105. Hey, Wanda?

106. Hmm?

107. I think something

108. wrong with me.

109. I can't remember now.

110. I'm losing my memory.

111. Don't worry, baby.

112. It happens to everyone

113. once in a while.

114. Yeah.

115. But I ain't talking

116. every once in a while.

117. It keeps up, Baby

118. Girl going to be

119. on a milk carton.

120. Hey, Wanda?

121. Hmm?

122. You think I got

123. a brain tumor

124. or a memory cancer?

125. Maybe you should just

126. write things down.

127. Yeah.

128. She's right.

129. I just need a little help

130. on keeping things straight.

131. I'm not going to let

132. the little devils kill

133. my brain cells, oh, no.

134. See, that's

135. where technology come in.

136. Look. Check it out.

137. It got a to-do list,

138. an address book

139. and a section where I can write

140. my little reminder notes

141. like "Kill Jordan"

142. and "Kill Vanessa"

143. "Tell baby girl her brother

144. and sister ran away."

145. I need to get that down.

146. Where did I put

147. that little pen thingie at?

148. I just had it.

149. Don't see it.

150. I cannot believe...

151. I had the thing

152. right around here.

153. Man, this is... Aw!

154. Oh, my knee.

155. Lord...

156. Oh, Lord!

157. Bernie, it looks like

158. a drugstore in here.

159. Are you okay?

160. Uh, couple or few

161. nagging little things

162. bothering me, baby.

163. It's those doggone kids, man.

164. They wearing me down

165. like a virus.

166. But you better believe,

167. I'm fighting back.

168. With the miracle

169. of modern medicine,

170. I'm fighting back.

171. Bernie, I don't

172. use hair dye.

173. It's mine, baby.

174. But you've been getting

175. gray hair since you were 20.

176. On my head.

177. Oh...

178. Well, as long as

179. everything still works

180. I wouldn't

181. worry about it.

182. Uncle Bernie?

183. We've decided that we don't want

184. fish tonight.

185. What you mean, you decided?

186. Well, we took a vote,

187. and we want Royal Burger.

188. What you mean, you took a vote?

189. Royal Burger!

190. Royal Burger!

191. Royal Burger!

192. Royal Burger!

193. Her, hey, hey, hey, hey.

194. Ain't no Royal Burger nothing.

195. Royal nothing.

196. We're making fish.

197. Royal Burgers

198. have fish.

199. Royal Burger...

200. Royal Burger...

201. Look, look, look.

202. Shut up!

203. I can see what they're doing.

204. But they can't break me down.

205. I'm fully medicated.

206. Stop bouncing

207. Baby girl,

208. stop it.

209. But you promised

210. you'd make us

211. Royal Burger.

212. You promised.

213. You lied.

214. Who you calling a liar, Jordan?

215. Liar, liar, liar!

216. Jordan, Jordan,

217. you calling me...?

218. You calling me a liar?

219. You calling me

220. a liar? Huh?

221. Liar, liar, liar,

222. liar, liar, liar...!

223. Would you quit

224. moving like that?

225. Liar, liar, liar, liar,

226. liar, liar, liar, liar!

227. Liar, liar, liar

228. liar, liar, liar!

229. Royal Burger,

230. Royal Burger,

231. Royal Burger...!

232. Uncle Bernie?

233. Is he okay?

234. Are you all right?

235. Ow!

236. Well, your heart is fine.

237. You just had an attack

238. of acute acid reflux—

239. painful, but far from fatal.

240. Doc, is that like heartburn?

241. Yes.

242. See, as we get older,

243. fatty foods and alcohol

244. overeating can

245. really take a toll.

246. So, you're saying

247. I ended up in the E.R.

248. because I ate too much?

249. Well, that

250. could be a cause

251. but sometimes

252. it's just stress.

253. Do you have any new sources

254. of stress in your life?

255. Look, the fact is, Mr. Mac,

256. you're getting older.

257. And as much as

258. we'd all like to

259. you can't stop

260. the aging process.

261. You just can't stop it.

262. I'm talking about

263. the aging process.

264. It didn't even start

265. until these kids came around.

266. I'll tell you one thing,

267. I'm not going to let it send me

268. to my grave

269. before my time, no, sir

270. because Mac man's

271. going to fight back.

272. I'm going to change

273. my way of life.

274. Get back to my old self.

275. Like I was back in the day.

276. Maximum Mac, baby.

277. Hey, can you turn

278. down your oldies?

279. I'm trying to do my homework.

280. What?

281. I'm listening

282. to my music.

283. I don't say nothing to you,

284. 'Nessa, when you listen

285. to that crap you call music.

286. Yes, you do.

287. Well, it's my house.

288. You want some privacy

289. why don't you go to the library

290. or one of your friend's homes?

291. You got a lot

292. of nerve, man.

293. Talking about, you listen

294. to Mary J. Blige

295. uh, uh, those Street Boys

296. and all that bull.

297. Talking about, "oldies"?

298. Music.

299. She had the nerve

300. to call my music oldies, man.

301. The Isley Brothers

302. ain't oldies, man.

303. Isley Brothers's goodies.

304. Hmm.

305. Bernie—

306. when's the last time

307. you seen Ronald Isley?

308. That brother's about

309. 97 years old, man.

310. Come on, man, come on.

311. Okay, okay, okay.

312. He's old.

313. That don't make us

314. old for listening

315. to him now, Kelly?

316. Yeah, mm.

317. Come on, now, ain't

318. none of us old, right?

319. Uh, uh, fellows, looky here.

320. That's a good hand.

321. Read them and weep.

322. Come on, man,

323. come on, man, come on.

324. That's it for me,

325. man. I'm done.

326. Come on, Chuy,

327. you done, man?

328. Chuy, what you

329. be talking about?

330. It's early,

331. it's only 10:30.

332. Yo, I got to get going too, man.

333. Why do you get going?

334. Man, look here— we used to play

335. all night long, man.

336. Come on, man, we ain't never

337. left like this.

338. What's the problem now?

339. We got kids, now, man.

340. I know, see.

341. See, you ain't

342. got no kids.

343. Yeah, I'm just old, man.

344. He ain't lying about that.

345. Come on, Kelly,

346. we ain't old.

347. Ain't none

348. of us old, man.

349. Come on,

350. play one more.

351. Chuy, come on.

352. Bam!

353. Yo, you win, dog.

354. Yeah.

355. Look, I got to go crash, man.

356. Come on, what you mean,

357. you going to crash, big fella?

358. Come on, you never

359. did me like this.

360. Oh, man, it's 3:00 a.m.

361. If I don't get no sleep soon

362. I'm going to pay for it

363. in the morning.

364. Okay, okay, fine, fine. Go.

365. And take your lightweight

366. with you— go on.

367. Oh, man, come on

368. now, man...

369. You ain't never did

370. this to me, man.

371. Let's go.

372. "Oh, it's 3:00 a.m.

373. If I don't get my beauty sleep

374. I'm going to pay for it

375. in the morning.

376. Please— back in the day

377. I could stay up all night

378. sleep an hour

379. and wake up fresh.

380. Uncle Bernie? Uncle Bernie?

381. Uncle Bernie!

382. Baby girl, please stop

383. hollering, please.

384. Uncle Bernie

385. are you dying?

386. If God have mercy on me.

387. Uncle Bernie...

388. That's nice.

389. Yes, it is.

390. I'm sorry.

391. 23 seconds.

392. That's humbling.

393. What y'all looking at?

394. Oh, you think I'm some kind

395. of old man?

396. You think my best days

397. behind me?

398. Maybe they are.

399. Uncle Bernie

400. will you play with me?

401. Not now, Baby Girl.

402. Not now.

403. No, look.

404. What?

405. "Daddy and me basketball.

406. Come join the fun."

407. Baby Girl, I don't know.

408. I'm too old.

409. I don't think I'd be able

410. to do that.

411. My body's worn out, sweetheart.

412. I ain't got it like that.

413. I know one thing:

414. back in the day

415. I used to play basketball

416. from sunup to sundown.

417. Yes, sir.

418. The only reason I stopped,

419. we didn't have no streetlights.

420. And I used to rule

421. the court, too.

422. People used to come

423. see me play

424. all around.

425. Come on, let's go, man.

426. That's three.

427. And I'll tell you

428. something else:

429. That's exactly what

430. you and me gonna do.

431. And you know what else?

432. We gonna win it, too.

433. Yay!

434. You want me to show you

435. some of my moves?

436. Come on.

437. Uncle Bernie will show you.

438. Little girl, watch me

439. school these guys.

440. What's up, you squares?

441. Can I run with y'all?

442. I guess, man.

443. Yeah, "come on, old man."

444. Can an old man do this, huh?

445. That's cool.

446. You know

447. what I'm saying.

448. Don't hurt yourself.

449. This an old man?

450. Why do an old man

451. move like that?

452. Oh... oh!

453. I'm going to show you

454. what an old man can do.

455. Look, look, look.

456. Oh...

457. Uncle Bernie.

458. Little girl, don't look.

459. You did.

460. Yeah, it's true, America.

461. The kids won.

462. I'm over the hill now.

463. My time is passed.

464. And trying to fight it

465. only makes you look foolish

466. like Fat Elvis

467. or Little Richard.

468. I ain't got time for that.

469. From now on, I got to slow down,

470. act my age.

471. Now go on, America.

472. I need to get my rest.

473. Oh, Bernie, you look miserable.

474. Isn't there any way I can make

475. you more comfortable?

476. Oh, Wanda, don't do that!

477. Don't, don't do that.

478. There's nothing you can do.

479. When I sit up...

480. when I sit up, my back hurts.

481. When I lay down

482. my reflux started kicking in.

483. So why don't you sit

484. in your chair a little?

485. I can't.

486. Hemorrhoids.

487. Well, Nurse Wanda

488. is running out

489. to the store

490. but when she gets back

491. she'll give you

492. a little sponge bath.

493. How'd the patient

494. like that?

495. Oh...

496. Oh, Wanda! My neck!

497. Get away from me.

498. Jordan, Jordan, stop it.

499. Stop it.

500. You making a mess.

501. Jordan!

502. Did y'all hear what I...?

503. Boy, you just look

504. at this mess you made.

505. I'm gonna whup his ass.

506. I'm not kidding.

507. Jordan!

508. Look at this.

509. I'm gonna whup his ass.

510. I ain't...

511. Jordan! Jordan!

512. He think I'm playing.

513. He think I am playing

514. around here.

515. I'm not playing...

516. Boy, I tell you,

517. I whup your ass, I'm...

518. Who in the heck am I kidding?

519. I couldn't whup his ass

520. if my life depended on it.

521. I'm too old to be running around

522. after kids.

523. I might really hurt myself.

524. From now on,

525. Bernie Mac's retired.

526. Now... I got time to catch up

527. on my reading.

528. Hey!

529. Hey!

530. Here.

531. Thank you, sweetheart.

532. Mm-hmm.

533. Appreciate it.

534. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

535. What you doing?

536. You were asleep.

537. I wasn't asleep.

538. I was resting my eyes.

539. Turn it back.

540. Whatever.

541. Bernie, get out of bed.

542. For what, Wanda?

543. I'm tired...

544. I ain't in no shape...

545. Baby, I been trying

546. to get up all day...

547. Bryana's basketball game.

548. I can't play

549. no basketball.

550. Wanda, I'm tired.

551. My back hurts

552. and everything.

553. I ain't going to be able

554. to do that.

555. Oh, you don't have to play.

556. I got W.B. to fill in.

557. I knew you wouldn't be able to.

558. What?

559. You obviously aren't

560. feeling up to it.

561. Do you think you're strong

562. enough to go down and watch?

563. Strong enough?

564. Well, after the other night...

565. The other night?

566. Why she got to bring that up?

567. That's a sensitive subject,

568. America.

569. Now she got W.B. taking my spot.

570. That's ridiculous.

571. I mean, ludicrous, absurd.

572. I'm still here.

573. I may be a lot of things,

574. but I ain't dead yet.

575. And even if it kills me,

576. I'm not gonna be replaced.

577. No, sir.

578. There ain't no substitute

579. for Bernie Mac.

580. Substitute, Ref!

581. Uncle Bernie!

582. Yo, man, what are

583. you doing here?

584. Hey, man, thanks for

585. holding it down, man.

586. But I had to do it

587. for baby girl.

588. Aw, man, that's

589. all good, dog.

590. Yo, and I'm glad to see

591. Bernie Mac is back.

592. Oh, I'm back.

593. And dig.

594. What's that?

595. Little girl, she goes

596. to her left.

597. How many daddies

598. do you have?

599. ( "Sweet Georgia Brown"

600. playing )

601. Baby girl, you ain't seen

602. nothing yet.

603. Take that.

604. That's the last time

605. that's going to happen.

606. Yeah, what's up?

607. Baby girl, catch this.

608. Here you go.

609. Go, baby.

610. Come on.

611. Come on, baby girl...

612. Come on, baby girl...

613. Yeah!

614. Rejected!

615. Violation.

616. What you talking about?

617. Sir, you can not block

618. her shot like that.

619. But I'm trying to win

620. the game, man.

621. That's how we did back

622. in the day. Come on!

623. Sir, this is not

624. a competitive event.

625. At Wellington, all

626. the kids are winners.

627. I bet you their

628. team don't win.

629. I guarantee it.

630. My team gonna win.

631. I'm going to have to ask

632. you just to calm down.

633. Calm down?

634. What you mean calm down?

635. What you gonna

636. do if I don't?

637. You gonna give me

638. a technical?

639. Sir, again, this is

640. a kid's game.

641. There are no technicals.

642. Then I ain't got

643. to calm down.

644. It's basketball.

645. This ain't field hockey!

646. Technical!

647. Come on, what you mean!

648. Only reason you called it

649. 'cause I'm black.

650. Only reason.

651. That's some bull!

652. Hey, baby...

653. I'm back!

654. You know what?

655. That felt real good.

656. I mean, I landed

657. on my head and all

658. but you know, the thrill

659. of victory

660. worth a couple of more weeks

661. in this here scooter.

662. See, everyone gets old,

663. whether you got kids or not.

664. But I mean, well, so what?

665. The truth is, I like being old.

666. I like my music.

667. I like my movies.

668. And I truly like

669. who the heck I am.

670. And I'm not just getting better

671. with age.

672. I mean, like fine wine.

673. No matter how old I get,

674. I'll still be the Mac man.

675. Honey,

676. can you help me?

677. Yeah.

678. I think I found

679. a gray hair.

680. Bend down and let

681. me see it, baby.

682. Not on my head.

683. Drop it like it's hot.

684. Ooh...

685. Here's your ride home.

686. "Drop it like it's hot."

687. Hmm nothing.

688. Captioned by

689. Media Access Group at WGBH