The Bernie Mac Show 1x13

1. America, I'm payin' the price.

2. I mean, payin' the price

3. for bein' Bernie Mac.

4. Payin' the price for tellin'

5. the truth, speakin' my mind.

6. I don't wanna hurt

7. anybody's feelings.

8. But sometimes people take

9. my words the wrong way.

10. They make a big deal

11. out of nothin'.

12. You don't think so?

13. You watch this.

14. You been briefed, baby.

15. Hoo! Let me tell you

16. somethin', Clyde.

17. I'm listening.

18. I love my wife,

19. but if somethin'

20. happened to her, man—

21. I'm tellin' you, America,

22. I'll never get married again.

23. Aw. Come on.

24. You can't say that.

25. You didn't answer

26. the question.

27. You know what?

28. I ain't makin' love

29. to no woman but my wife.

30. - Okay, wait a minute.

31. You're a movie star, Bernie.

32. - Okay.

33. - I mean, you must have worked

34. with some beautiful women.

35. - True dat. True dat.

36. But I'm a professional.

37. When I'm on the set,

38. it's all about work.

39. - Okay, okay.

40. We got all that.

41. - Okay.

42. But if you had a free pass,

43. who would you sleep with?

44. There you go.

45. Don't start asking me

46. nothin' personal, 'cause—

47. Who would you sleep with?

48. Halle Berry.

49. Wasn't he quick?

50. Halle Berry.

51. Halle Berry,

52. if you're out there—

53. I'm sayin' if somethin'

54. were to happen to my wife.

55. Uh-huh.

56. Like say, for instance,

57. if she dead. Okay.

58. Okay, when she layin'

59. in the coffin.

60. She layin' over there—

61. Music, singing, everything.

62. I would invite Halle Berry

63. to sit right next to me.

64. - Ooh.

65. - Okay? We go to the funeral.

66. I'm supposed to be sad.

67. I look weepy. Go to

68. the doggone burial, man.

69. Throw that first dirt on.

70. You know, I might get some

71. sympathy sex from her.

72. Oh!

73. Takin' Halle to the grave!

74. I will play it

75. to the end!

76. - I would look sad, man.

77. - Hey. He had a point, though.

78. You know, my wife is all right.

79. But Halle's better, baby.

80. Bernie Mac's here all week,

81. everybody. We'll be right back.

82. See? I was just

83. entertaining the people

84. on the morning drive.

85. Doing what I do best.

86. Now, I ask you: who could

87. possibly be upset by that?

88. Bernie, do you know

89. how embarrassed I was?

90. Yeah. Wanda, I'm sorry.

91. I-I swear, I didn't mean

92. nothin' by it.

93. How do you think

94. it makes me look?

95. The Richters are my friends.

96. You stood us up.

97. We waited for you

98. for 45 minutes.

99. The Richters?

100. Ooh!

101. Oh, my God.

102. Baby, I was supposed to have

103. drinks with y'all today.

104. I'm sorry, baby.

105. I'll reschedule.

106. I'm sorry.

107. Forgive me?

108. Thank you.

109. I feel so much better.

110. I thought you was upset

111. about somethin' else.

112. What else would I be

113. upset with you about?

114. Let's move on, baby.

115. Bernie?

116. You know I did

117. the radio show

118. this morning, right?

119. America—

120. I learned my lesson.

121. From now on, I'm not sayin'

122. a doggone word.

123. I'm keeping my big mouth shut.

124. You said that on the air?

125. They're just jokes, baby.

126. It's not funny.

127. Aw, come on, Wanda.

128. You just tight

129. about the Richters.

130. Oh, no, Bernie.

131. I was annoyed

132. about the Richters.

133. I am livid about this.

134. Livid? That's two degrees

135. past pissed.

136. Thank you.

137. Mmm-mmm.

138. This is delicious.

139. Kids,

140. I want you to tell your

141. Aunt Wanda how good dinner is.

142. The fish is bony.

143. Shut up.

144. It's the best fish

145. I ever tasted, baby.

146. Bernie, I know

147. what you're doin'.

148. You know what I'm doin'?

149. Baby, I just want you

150. to know how much

151. I appreciate you in my life.

152. Oh, really?

153. Yeah.

154. You appreciate me

155. in your life?

156. Yeah.

157. Ow! I think that was a bone.

158. I'm sorry. That was

159. your Uncle Bernie's piece.

160. [ Coughing,

161. Gagging ]

162. Now, the part about me

163. being dead— Did that come

164. from you or from them?

165. Come on, now, Wanda.

166. It came from me.

167. And you brought Halle Berry

168. to my funeral as a date?

169. You wasn't dead yet.

170. I mean, it's—

171. it's just a fantasy.

172. Just a fantasy?

173. Yeah.

174. Oh.

175. The woman is drivin' me crazy.

176. America, was I so wrong?

177. Was I so wrong?

178. Hell, yeah, you was wrong.

179. Now, get back in here so

180. we can finish this discussion.

181. Like Halle Berry would want you.

182. You trippin'.

183. You need some more rest.

184. Now, that's cold.

185. I'm talkin' about Alaska cold.

186. Have you ever seen

187. a black Eskimo?

188. Hell, no.

189. Lookin' like this here.

190. You know we can't

191. take no cold.

192. You know, women always

193. wanna put you down,

194. take you down.

195. Tell ya, Halle Berry

196. don't want me.

197. If she don't start

198. tightenin' up,

199. actin' right,

200. she gonna be spendin'

201. the rest of her night

202. all by her doggone self.

203. Gotta put me down.

204. Kill my spirits.

205. "Halle Berry don't want you."

206. You'd be surprised who want me.

207. Huh, huh. I still got

208. a little bit left.

209. I still got a little—

210. Mmm. Boy.

211. You see, America?

212. I ain't lyin'.

213. She's sleeping alone.

214. And if she don't calm down,

215. she's gonna sleep alone

216. again tomorrow.

217. I'm still the master

218. of this house.

219. And y'all better recognize.

220. And I'm gonna tell ya

221. somethin' else.

222. I'm gonna do

223. the radio show again tomorrow.

224. So excuse me, America.

225. I gotta get some rest.

226. It ain't bleedin', is it?

227. - Jordan, come out of there.

228. - No!

229. You can't stay in there all day.

230. How long have they been

231. teasing him, Father?

232. Ever since you

233. humiliated the boy

234. on the radio, Mr. Mac.

235. Wanna know how

236. I got into this?

237. My second day on the radio.

238. Ooh!

239. Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.

240. Bernie Mac,

241. you know you funny.

242. Baby, I'm tellin' you

243. the truth. The boy is soft.

244. He so soft.

245. I mean, like ice cream.

246. Like a kitten head.

247. His nickname is Pillow.

248. Pillow! Well, why can't

249. you do something

250. to toughen the boy up?

251. What you want me

252. to do, Clyde?

253. I don't know.

254. I hit the boy for nothin'.

255. I throw him down.

256. It don't do no good.

257. Hit him in the face.

258. You know?

259. No.

260. I took him to

261. the batting cage, right?

262. Uh-huh.

263. I held him.

264. Let the ball hit him all

265. up in the chest.

266. You know, hit him on purpose.

267. I'm switch-hittin'. I'm hittin'

268. the ball left and right.

269. He sittin' up there.

270. He lookin' through the fence.

271. Cryin'. Wheezin'.

272. I mean, pow, pow, pow.

273. He lookin' through the gate.

274. You know, wheezin'.

275. What was he looking at?

276. There's a pottery shop across

277. the street, and he wanna go.

278. I said, "No. You can't go now.

279. I'm showin' you how to bat."

280. White boy lookin' at me

281. thinkin' I'm abusing him.

282. - No!

283. - I take the punk

284. across the street.

285. You took him there?

286. I took the punk.

287. I think the punk gonna

288. browse and everything.

289. You know, he inside.

290. I'm waitin' outside.

291. I'm waitin', I'm waitin'.

292. He come out man,

293. two hours later.

294. Guess what he done did?

295. - What'd he do?

296. - He made us some cups.

297. He made you some pottery cups?

298. Nice cups. Designs.

299. Got all our names on em'.

300. Hey, Jordan, you wanna

301. come to my house and play?

302. Sure.

303. Good, cause my sister's

304. having a tea party.

305. You can make the cups.

306. Aw, don't pout,

307. kitten head.

308. They've been pretty hard

309. on him, huh?

310. I don't know

311. the specifics, Mr. Mac,

312. but when those kids

313. get to teasing,

314. they could reopen

315. the wounds of Jesus.

316. Jordan.

317. Listen, son.

318. I d— I didn't mean anything.

319. I'm a comedian.

320. And-And sometime

321. I put a hundred on 10.

322. And that mean

323. I make little things big.

324. It's make-believe, son.

325. That's what show business

326. is all about.

327. You said I was soft!

328. Y'all believe that, huh?

329. Y'all think he's soft?

330. Well, how many of you all think

331. y'all could beat Jordan up?

332. Every last one of you, huh?

333. All right.

334. Well, how many of you all think

335. y'all could beat me up?

336. I do hope there's

337. a point to this line

338. of questionin', Mr. Mac.

339. As doubting Thomas said,

340. "Show me the stigmata."

341. Let me handle this, Father.

342. Let me tell you all

343. somethin' right now.

344. That boy's not soft.

345. He's bold. He's fearless.

346. Let me tell you all a story.

347. I had a deep-dish apple pie.

348. I went to the refrigerator.

349. Apple pie gone.

350. I mean, pie nowhere.

351. Nobody's in the house

352. but me and Jordan.

353. There's Jordan, sittin'

354. at the end of the table

355. with a face full of crumbs.

356. I asked him what happened

357. to my pie.

358. He said he surprised

359. a food burglar.

360. I said, "What?"

361. I knew it was a lie.

362. I just wanted to hear it again.

363. He said, "I surprised

364. a food burglar, Uncle Bernie.

365. Hee-hee!"

366. Hee-hee, nothin'.

367. Let me tell you somethin'.

368. You can't be soft and tell

369. a bold-faced lie like that.

370. You got to be bold to be

371. that doggone stupid.

372. So let me ask you all

373. another question.

374. Which one of y'all think y'all

375. bold enough to eat my apple pie?

376. Say it. Say it out.

377. Go ahead.

378. I didn't think so.

379. So I guess this— this boy

380. ain't soft after all.

381. And let me tell you all

382. somethin' else.

383. I got a million stories

384. like that I can tell you.

385. That boy ain't soft.

386. He's my comic inspiration.

387. Tell them about the time I put

388. your car in gear and let it

389. roll down the driveway.

390. That's a good one.

391. I'm— That was you?

392. - Is everything okay

393. with Jordan?

394. - Everything is fine, baby.

395. Bernie Mac saved the day

396. once again. Might as well

397. give your man some hugs.

398. Why don't you let

399. Halle hug you?

400. Baby, I'm sick of that.

401. Why don't you stop

402. doin' that? All right.

403. Why don't you pick somebody?

404. That's the only way

405. you gonna feel better.

406. Go on. Pick somebody.

407. No. It's stupid.

408. No, it's stupid for you

409. to keep talkin' about Halle.

410. Go on. Pick somebody.

411. Who it gonna be?

412. Denzel? Wesley?

413. Chestnut? Tyrese?

414. Go on. Pick somebody.

415. 'Cause it don't bother me

416. like it bothers you.

417. It bothers you.

418. You not lettin' it go?

419. No, you not lettin' it go.

420. All right. Fine.

421. I guess I pick Roland.

422. See? Came right out

423. your mouth. See? Rol—

424. Howard Rollins used to play on

425. A Soldier's Story? He dead.

426. I mean Roland, my mechanic.

427. Your mechanic?

428. He ain't no celebrity.

429. So?

430. So? You're supposed to

431. pick a celebrity.

432. Like Halle Berry.

433. I don't know her.

434. You know him.

435. You see this cat every time

436. you go get an oil change.

437. I don't know him.

438. Yes, you do.

439. You saw him

440. when we dropped my car off.

441. Roland?

442. Roland.

443. Which one was Roland?

444. what a man, what a man

445. what a man

446. what a man

447. what a man

448. Him?

449. Aw, Wanda.

450. Come on, now.

451. You know what, Bernie?

452. I do feel better.

453. Boy,

454. what's wrong with you?

455. You almost gave

456. your Aunt Wanda

457. a heart attack.

458. It's funny,

459. right, Uncle Bernie?

460. Yeah, you can use

461. that in your act.

462. I'm gonna go think

463. of some more funny stuff.

464. Hey, hey! You're gliding

465. with Clyde and Cheryl

466. here on Bernie Mac Week.

467. So, Bernie,

468. how'd the kids come

469. to live with you?

470. Baby, don't mention those

471. doggone kids to me, man.

472. Every time I think about them,

473. man, I wanna kill 'em.

474. - Oh, come on.

475. It can't be that bad.

476. - It is that doggone bad.

477. Let me tell you somethin'.

478. It's a long story, first of all.

479. See, my sister on drugs.

480. And I wanted to get the kids

481. before the state did.

482. Oh, Bernie.

483. See, there you

484. go again.

485. That's good.

486. The man doin' the right thing.

487. You know,

488. I tried to help my sister

489. time and time and time again.

490. She don't want no doggone help.

491. I put her in rehab.

492. You know what she told me?

493. What'd she tell ya?

494. The last time I tried

495. to put her in?

496. - She ain't goin' there.

497. That's for quitters.

498. - Ohh!

499. She said she gonna keep smokin'

500. until she get it right.

501. Hi. Excuse me.

502. Aren't you Vanessa?

503. Yeah.

504. Is your uncle a comedian?

505. Yes, he is.

506. Oh, my gosh!

507. I heard him on the radio

508. this morning.

509. You know,

510. he is really funny.

511. I think that it is so cool how

512. you and your brother and sister

513. survived your mom's crisis.

514. Your life is

515. really interesting.

516. Hi, baby.

517. Hey, whatever happened

518. to that old fat guy who

519. used to work on your car?

520. I don't drive a Camry anymore.

521. You will startin' Monday.

522. Let it go.

523. I ain't lettin' go

524. nothin'.

525. You act petty,

526. I can—

527. Hold on.

528. She walkin' in the door

529. as we speak.

530. I'll call you back.

531. Where you been, Nessa?

532. At school.

533. You wasn't at school when I came

534. to pick you up.

535. Maybe cause I didn't wanna ride

536. with you and your big mouth.

537. What'd— What'd you

538. say to me?

539. You don't need to be telling

540. my mother's business

541. to everybody.

542. If you've got a problem,

543. you come and talk to me so we

544. can try to work it out.

545. I'm not tryin'

546. to be in your act.

547. Nessa, I'm sick of you closing

548. doors up in my house.

549. And I'm sick of you talking

550. about my mother.

551. Who do you think you are?

552. Who do I think I am?

553. I'm the guy who got you

554. and your brother and sister

555. up in here in my house!

556. I'm the man who put clothes

557. on your back

558. and food in your belly.

559. That's the man

560. who I think I am!

561. You know,

562. you're right.

563. What?

564. You're absolutely right.

565. It's not that big a deal,

566. and I overreacted.

567. You have the right to say

568. whatever you want to say.

569. Okay, it's squashed, right?

570. Everything seems cool.

571. But didn't it come

572. a little quick?

573. I know it did, right?

574. Now, keep watchin'.

575. This is what happened

576. the next day.

577. You're on the Morning Glide

578. with Clyde, Cheryl

579. and Bernie Mac.

580. - Cheryl in the house.

581. - You lookin' good, too, baby.

582. - We've got another caller.

583. - Hi, Uncle Bernie.

584. - Who's that? Nessa?

585. - You're a big fake.

586. Oh! Oh!

587. Look here, Nessa.

588. Ain't nobody got— Come on.

589. Ain't nobody got no time

590. for this bull, now.

591. Ooh, this could be hot.

592. Go ahead, Nessa.

593. You're always talking about

594. keepin' it real

595. and telling the truth.

596. - But you don't keep it real.

597. - Take another call.

598. We ain't got time

599. for her foolishness.

600. Not now, Bernie.

601. Uh, go ahead, Nessa.

602. Elaborate.

603. He's always smoking

604. these Cuban cigars.

605. - Isn't that illegal?

606. - Last time I checked.

607. - Unless his last name's Castro.

608. - Let me tell you something,

609. you little stool pigeon.

610. How come you ain't in school?

611. Nah, nah, nah, nah.

612. You know what? They be a gift.

613. People be always givin'--

614. You know how people

615. give you lots—

616. But he's the only one that

617. smokes the good cigars.

618. His friends just think

619. they smoke Cubans.

620. He puts Cuban labels

621. on the cheap ones

622. he gives them.

623. That-That—

624. That's not true.

625. That's not true.

626. See, see, see, uh, Chuy,

627. he only smoke a little bit.

628. I tell him these cigars

629. cost twenty dollars a stick.

630. You just don't keep

631. wasting em' like that.

632. Clyde, what would you do?

633. Hey, you right, you right.

634. You gotta smoke it

635. all the way up.

636. - You know what I mean?

637. - What else you got

638. there, Nessa?

639. Have you ever noticed

640. how he's always

641. calling himself Bernie Mac?

642. Bernie Mac so great.

643. Bernie Mac so smart.

644. Bernie Mac just likes

645. to say "Bernie Mac."

646. - You know, I did notice that.

647. - Bernie Mac ain't amused.

648. First of all, I ain't—

649. I ain't that kind of vain.

650. I'm not that vain

651. of-of a person.

652. Plus, he's been nice

653. to you guys all week,

654. but you don't hear

655. what he says about you

656. when he comes home.

657. Oh, and what does he say?

658. Let's-Let's move on

659. with this here.

660. Go ahead, Nessa.

661. Well, he says that that lady

662. is lucky she works in radio.

663. I didn't— I— I—

664. Let's take another caller.

665. Yeah, let's do that.

666. Let's do that.

667. All right. All right.

668. Let's see. What we got here?

669. Uh, we got, uh,

670. Chuy on line three.

671. What's up, Chuy?

672. You're on with Bernie Mac.

673. Chuy?

674. Chuy, we need you

675. to speak right now.

676. Look, I ain't never tried

677. to hurt you. I never said

678. nothin' about your mama.

679. Now my man Chuy

680. won't even talk to me.

681. And I lost

682. my Cuban connection.

683. And I still

684. gotta go in tomorrow.

685. I'm tired of this.

686. It ends today.

687. Hey, listen.

688. I wanted to talk

689. to all of you all.

690. Where's your brother?

691. Here I am.

692. I'm Backwards Man.

693. Isn't that stupid?

694. You can use that in your act

695. tomorrow on the radio.

696. Jordan, come over here

697. and sit down.

698. I'm not usin' nothin' in my act.

699. You're not gonna be in it,

700. so you might as well

701. stop your antics.

702. And zip your pants up.

703. I can see your ass.

704. Now, look. I know

705. you all are very upset

706. with me this week...

707. because of

708. the things I went

709. on the radio and said.

710. And I want you all to know

711. that I'm deeply sorry.

712. But you all need to understand,

713. I went on the radio

714. with great intentions.

715. I went on the radio to make

716. people laugh.

717. 'Cause that's what I do.

718. I'm a comedian.

719. And the last thing I want to do

720. is hurt the people

721. I love the most.

722. But y'all gotta let me be me.

723. I just happen to know how to

724. make fun of my problems.

725. And to Nessa,

726. I wanna say I'm sorry.

727. I said some things

728. about your mother I know

729. that hurt you deeply.

730. But what you gotta understand,

731. sweetheart— That's my sister,

732. and I love her too.

733. And we just deal

734. with our pain differently.

735. And no matter what

736. the outcome is...

737. I love you guys.

738. Despite what I might say.

739. We cool?

740. All right.

741. Go on to your room.

742. Uncle Bernie?

743. Yeah, baby girl.

744. You didn't say anything bad

745. about me on the radio.

746. Baby girl, go to your room.

747. I heard everything

748. that you said.

749. And it was very sweet.

750. I'm fine if you're fine.

751. Well, I feel much better now.

752. I'll feel even better

753. if you drop it like it's hot.

754. Drop it with me, baby.

755. Ooh.

756. Ooh!

757. I won't mention Halle Berry

758. if you don't mention Roland.

759. Roland?

760. I'm just kidding.

761. Mm-hmm.

762. I love you, Wanda.

763. I love you, too, baby.

764. Come on.

765. Wanda. Wanda.

766. Bernie, it's time.

767. I know you're right.

768. I just can't believe

769. she's gone, baby.

770. What am I gonna do, Lord?

771. Bernie, I mean,

772. she was cute.

773. But you got to

774. get over this.

775. Come on.

776. You think I won't?

777. What time

778. our flight, baby?

779. Now.

780. What? What?

781. Taking Halle

782. to my funeral!

783. Baby, you dreaming

784. about Halle?

785. No! Not anymore!

786. I'm up!

787. I was too.

788. Oh, you in trouble. Boy, you—

789. I'm tellin' you.

790. I'm so glad she gone,

791. I don't know what to do.

792. You know?

793. She had cute toes, though.

794. Yeah, she don't cook.

795. She did have

796. cute toes, though.

797. What's wrong with that one?

798. That one broke.

799. Okay. Y'all.

800. Okay?

801. I've had about enough!

802. I don't know why you

803. married her in the first place.

804. Well, I—

805. I tell you why

806. he married me.

807. Cause, I'm the—

808. Get your ass out.

809. Oh, I'll get my ass out.

810. Where my pumps?

811. Don't make me take—

812. You better— Help me!

813. Oh, Lord!