The Bernie Mac Show 1x12

Directed by Linda Mendoza

Marcus Allen as Marcus Allen • Wade Williams as Father Cronin • Garrett Jackman as Byron • Paul Parducci as Coach • Tim Kahle as Cheering Man

Jordan sets his sights on joining Vanessa and Bryana on the Bernie Mac Hall of Fame awards shelf. He decides to join his school's football team after hearing that everyone on the squad gets a trophy just for participating. Bernie is thrilled that Jordan is playing footballâ€”until he sees his playing skills.

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1. Hey, you see this?

2. I won this

3. back in high school.

4. That's right.

5. It was for football.

6. America, Bernie Mac

7. was a fullback.

8. I made All-State.

9. I was B.M.O.C.--

10. Big Mac On Campus.

11. Man, I remember

12. how proud Big Mama was...

13. when I brought this home.

14. She made a big fuss.

15. I never will forget.

16. See, that's why I created

17. the "Mac Hall of Fame."

18. A place where those ungrateful,

19. lazy, unmotivated kids...

20. can show some of their

21. greatest achievements.

22. Give them some pride,

23. like Big Mama gave me.

24. Take a look.

25. I was rough, boy. Pow!

26. Look at that,

27. citizenship award.

28. That look real nice.

29. Ain't that somethin', baby?

30. Sure is.

31. Congratulations, baby.

32. We're so proud of you.

33. I'm proud of me too.

34. Way to go, sis.

35. No big deal.

36. It's just a piece of paper.

37. It's not like she really

38. won anything.

39. You know, you got

40. a real big

41. mouth on you, son.

42. Do I see your name

43. up here on anything?

44. No.

45. I didn't think so.

46. Baby girl,

47. congratulations.

48. You have now been

49. officially inducted

50. into the Mac Hall of Fame.

51. Jordan, what are you doin'

52. in here?

53. What's that jar there for?

54. I put it there. Now there's

55. something of mine

56. in the Mac Hall of Fame too.

57. That looks like a hairy

58. caterpillar.

59. That's a Manduca sexta.

60. It's rare.

61. Boy, you gotta stop

62. being so weird.

63. You don't want to be known

64. as the "Crazy Bug Boy."

65. The strange kid

66. in the playground

67. that eats bugs.

68. - I don't eat them.

69. - It's just a matter of time.

70. Look, Jordan—

71. Son, the Mac Hall of Fame...

72. is a shrine for achievement.

73. It's for the best,

74. the strongest,

75. the fastest, the most.

76. Do you understand that,

77. Jordan?

78. Okay.

79. Bugs.

80. The Mac Hall of Fame

81. is for achievements.

82. If bugs are an achievement,

83. then the kitchen in the projects

84. was crawling with achievement.

85. Tell me what to put

86. in the Hall of Fame!

87. Bugs?

88. Why do I bother?

89. I'm raising the bug-boy.

90. America,

91. I've depressed myself.

92. Hi, Uncle Bernie,

93. my report card.

94. Look it says, "the most

95. improved in gym."

96. Is that right? Let me see.

97. Jordan, two D's and a C.

98. That's awful.

99. Yeah, but it's still

100. the most.

101. It also says

102. the most disruptive.

103. That's still the "most."

104. That's not what I meant.

105. You shouldn't have said it

106. if you don't mean it.

107. You're not being

108. the "most" clear.

109. Wh-Who you talking

110. to now?

111. Congratulations,

112. Jordan.

113. Now, you gonna get

114. the "most" punishment.

115. You stay in there

116. and be the "most" quiet.

117. I have a trophy.

118. How'd you get it?

119. I was on the football team.

120. I thought you guys

121. stunk last year.

122. We did, but you

123. get a trophy just

124. for being on the team.

125. You do?

126. Weren't you afraid

127. of getting hurt?

128. I hardly ever played.

129. Hmm.

130. Guess what,

131. Uncle Bernie?

132. Son, what did I tell you

133. about the rules, Jordan?

134. I'm not supposed to talk to you

135. unless the house is on fire

136. or I'm bringing you a beer.

137. I don't smell no smoke,

138. and I don't see no foam.

139. Okay.

140. I just wanted you

141. to sign this permission

142. slip for football.

143. Football? Jordan,

144. I didn't even know

145. you liked football.

146. Yeah, I love it!

147. I would've played

148. last year,

149. but my asthma flared up,

150. and the year before,

151. I had hives,

152. and the year before that

153. they thought I had polio.

154. But, this year I feel great.

155. Mm. Your heart all right?

156. Mm-hmm.

157. You feel great, huh, son?

158. Yeah.

159. Football—

160. Ain't that somethin'.

161. All right, how about

162. me and you go on outside

163. and have a little catch.

164. Here.

165. But what about

166. your stories?

167. I'm not thinkin' about stories.

168. This's more important.

169. Come on, Jordan.

170. I was getting a little worried

171. about you eating those bugs.

172. I don't eat 'em.

173. I'd turn around,

174. you had one in your mouth.

175. I didn't.

176. You were bugging me.

177. No, I—

178. You know what, Jordan?

179. There are

180. two firsts to come

181. in every man's life...

182. that will stay with them

183. until the day they die.

184. One, you're too young

185. to hear right now.

186. Number two, is having your

187. official football uniform.

188. Look at this.

189. Your practice jersey,

190. game jersey,

191. shoulder pads...

192. and your helmet.

193. I'm gonna win a trophy.

194. That's the attitude, Jordan.

195. Now, hold on.

196. Now, that's the most

197. important thing...

198. you'll receive

199. in your young life

200. right now.

201. That's your official cup.

202. You drink out of it?

203. No, no.

204. Don't put that

205. on your mouth, son. No.

206. Y-Y-You wear that

207. to protect your pebbles.

208. Your pebbles?

209. Yeah, your mule.

210. Oh!

211. Your secret weapon.

212. I gotta keep

213. my stuff safe.

214. That's right. That's right.

215. Family jewels, boy,

216. you're a Mac.

217. You know what?

218. Hmm?

219. Last year I wouldn't

220. have needed it.

221. Let's move on.

222. - Uncle Bernie says hurry up.

223. - I'll be right there.

224. - I have to get this stain out.

225. - But won't it get dirty

226. when you play?

227. I'm not gonna play.

228. I'm just gonna

229. be on the team

230. and sit on the bench.

231. But don't you

232. wanna win a trophy?

233. Everyone on the team

234. gets a trophy.

235. And they're bigger

236. than certificates.

237. Hey, yo, yo,

238. come on, man.

239. You don't wanna be late

240. for the first game.

241. Come on.

242. Don't worry about that.

243. Come on, baby girl.

244. Man, look here.

245. You gonna do great, man.

246. Set, set, hut.

247. Damn, that boy is good.

248. Look at that.

249. Best on the team.

250. Ooh!

251. He's sweet!

252. Yes! Yeah, baby!

253. Yeah, baby!

254. Okay, okay, okay.

255. All right. Okay.

256. Mr. Mac, please.

257. Okay.

258. Okay, defense:

259. Nagel, Shores,

260. Benedict, Richter.

261. Uh, who hasn't played yet?

262. Jordan.

263. - Byron hasn't gone in yet.

264. - All right, Byron.

265. Get in there.

266. Uh, Jordan—

267. he hasn't gone

268. in either.

269. All right, Jordan.

270. Get in there.

271. Yeah!

272. Three and out, baby!

273. Three and out!

274. Three and out, baby.

275. You're a Mac.

276. Set, hut.

277. Okay, Jordan, Byron,

278. Richter, out.

279. Jordan, Jordan.

280. Listen, listen.

281. Don't worry about it.

282. It's a long season.

283. You'll find your game.

284. You a Mac.

285. The boy is bad.

286. I mean unskilled.

287. Not even raw talent.

288. I did tell you

289. he's my sister's kid, right?

290. Yeah, y'all know the story.

291. You know, she's on crack.

292. Mm. Just take a little time.

293. He might be a late bloomer.

294. Rome wasn't built overnight.

295. He might... be a computer whiz.

296. Y-You never know.

297. He could be president.

298. He might get a sex change

299. or something, you know.

300. I'll still be there to support

301. him. I did tell you he's my

302. sister's kid, right?

303. First Negro president.

304. You go, boy.

305. Down, set, hut.

306. Yeah! Yes, sir!

307. - Your son is great.

308. Thank you, baby.

309. Your son?

310. That's my son?

311. That's what I meant.

312. I didn't mean no harm.

313. Man, I tell you one thing.

314. Your son is fearless.

315. You know, he takes after

316. his old man.

317. You play a little football?

318. Just a little.

319. Well, I know one thing.

320. That boy probably

321. gonna bring us

322. a championship.

323. Get a trophy for sure.

324. Well, all the kids

325. get trophies just

326. for being on the team.

327. They all get trophies?

328. Uh-huh.

329. What kind of mess is that?

330. Brother, I got my own

331. Mac Hall of Fame.

332. The only trophy gonna be

333. on there is one you earn.

334. You have your own

335. hall of fame?

336. That's right.

337. Obviously, you ain't played

338. enough football to understand.

339. Well, actually, I have

340. played a fair amount

341. of organized ball.

342. What? Pop Warner?

343. Junior high?

344. No, uh, try

345. Super Bowl M.V.P.

346. You? Damn!

347. Yeah.

348. Brother, that's sweet.

349. It is sweet,

350. isn't it?

351. Coach, can I go back in?

352. All right.

353. Go in for Park.

354. Come on, baby.

355. Come on, baby.

356. Fearless.

357. Fearless.

358. Championship.

359. Hut.

360. Fearless. Fearless.

361. Jordan, you okay?

362. Jordan, Jordan,

363. Jordan.

364. Jordan, wake up.

365. You okay?

366. Jordan, Jordan.

367. Jordan, that was one

368. hell of a hit there, son.

369. That was sweet.

370. You're a Mac. Get up.

371. Come on, son.

372. Break!

373. Break!

374. Superstar.

375. Baby, listen.

376. Let me tell y'all.

377. Tell them the story again.

378. Go ahead.

379. Again?

380. Bernie, we heard it

381. three times.

382. I know, sweetheart,

383. but every time we tell it,

384. we learn somethin' different.

385. Go ahead, son.

386. Tell the story.

387. Tell 'em how the boy

388. was barreling down at you,

389. comin' straight at you.

390. You know the story.

391. Tell it. Listen, listen.

392. Okay.

393. So, the other kid's

394. barreling down at me

395. with the ball.

396. I knew if I didn't do somethin',

397. he was gonna score,

398. so I went into action.

399. Doggone! I love this part.

400. Listen.

401. So, he was comin' at me,

402. and I threw myself

403. at him with all my might.

404. Aw, baby, he shot out

405. like a ballistic missile.

406. I mean, he looked almost

407. like a-a-a human torpedo.

408. Bernie, stop exaggerating.

409. No, no, baby.

410. I'm not. I'm serious.

411. That's what the audience

412. called him, Nessa.

413. They called him "Torpedo."

414. He hit the boy so hard,

415. I'm tellin' you—

416. The boy got up and he was

417. talkin' in tongues.

418. I'm not kidding you.

419. The boy was so dizzy,

420. he got up and said,

421. "Where'd he go, George?"

422. I'll tell you where he went.

423. He went all the way

424. into the end zone.

425. He fumbled.

426. No. Sir, sir,

427. you forced a fumble.

428. You hit that boy so hard,

429. he dropped the ball...

430. and one of your teammates

431. came and scooped the ball up

432. and ran in the end zone.

433. Touchdown!

434. Yea!

435. I didn't see it though,

436. because I was too busy

437. trying to breathe.

438. - Uh, you were what?

439. - Too busy trying

440. to breathe.

441. Let me tell you somethin'.

442. Torpedo, it was the greatest

443. thing I ever seen.

444. Bernie, why couldn't

445. he breathe?

446. He's breathing now. He's fine.

447. He just got the wind

448. knocked out of him.

449. - He has asthma.

450. - Then he should be

451. used to not breathing.

452. The point

453. I'm trying to make is

454. it's all about fun.

455. They don't understand, son.

456. They don't understand.

457. Uncle Bernie,

458. can I have another

459. piece of cake?

460. Sir. Torpedo.

461. You can have

462. anything you want.

463. Here.

464. Go ahead, take mine.

465. Oh.

466. I'm so proud of you, Jordan.

467. Baby, you should have seen—

468. I wanna get back

469. to the breathing.

470. The Torpedo!

471. I knew he had it in him.

472. He's a Mac.

473. He got that Mac strength.

474. Maybe I should

475. adopt him legally.

476. Nah, I'll wait to see

477. if they win the championship.

478. Good night, baby.

479. Honey,

480. I'm worried about Jordan.

481. He was limping today,

482. and I'm scared he's really

483. gonna get hurt.

484. Wanda, you're not

485. becoming one of those

486. overprotective parents,

487. afraid to let their kid

488. play football?

489. Baby, come on.

490. No, Bernie,

491. I love football.

492. I grew up with it.

493. All of my brothers

494. played football,

495. my boyfriends—

496. In college I dated

497. an All-State safety.

498. In fact, we almost

499. got married and—

500. - Get to the meat, Wanda.

501. - I think Jordan

502. is doing this for you.

503. He knows you love football.

504. He's trying to impress you.

505. He wants your approval

506. even if it hurts him.

507. Come on, Wanda.

508. Come on.

509. Honestly speaking,

510. if I felt that boy was

511. in any kind of harm's way,

512. Wanda, I would pull him.

513. You promise?

514. I swear.

515. And I ain't lying, America.

516. I would.

517. And besides,

518. nothing's gonna happen.

519. And even if it did,

520. God forbid, you know,

521. it's not like it's

522. the end of the world.

523. The boy is young.

524. He got plenty of time

525. to heal,

526. and they're doing

527. tremendous things

528. with stem cells these days.

529. Look, Jordan,

530. you're kinda banged up.

531. Maybe you need

532. to take it easy tomorrow.

533. But, Uncle Bernie,

534. I gotta be the Torpedo.

535. If we win tomorrow,

536. we're going

537. to the division finals.

538. If I get a championship trophy,

539. would you put it up in the Mac

540. Hall of Fame?

541. Championship trophy?

542. Boy, are you kidding?

543. Jordan, that'd be

544. the proudest day of my life.

545. All right, then,

546. Torpedo.

547. You need anything?

548. Can I get you ice cream?

549. Ow, no.

550. Just maybe some more ice.

551. What's wrong, Jordan?

552. Is it your rib?

553. Did you crack a rib?

554. Down, set, hut!

555. Yes, sir!

556. You got torpedoed!

557. Damn right, baby.

558. Talkin' about

559. a Mac attack.

560. That looks too violent.

561. He's gonna get hurt.

562. Now, Wanda, please.

563. You sound irritated.

564. No, I'm not, baby.

565. He's gonna be all right.

566. He's got shoulder pads,

567. got a helmet on, knee pads.

568. Baby—

569. Man, would you tell her?

570. Please?

571. Come on, you guys!

572. Yeah!

573. Down, set, hut.

574. All right, baby.

575. We'll pull him.

576. Did I hear you correctly,

577. Mr. Mac?

578. You're pulling the Torpedo?

579. Look, Father,

580. I have to, man.

581. Jordan is getting banged up

582. out there. I gotta pull him at

583. least for the rest of the game.

584. Mr. Mac,

585. sacrifice is a virtue.

586. If you recall,

587. Abraham was ready

588. to snuff his own son.

589. This boy's just your nephew.

590. Oh—

591. Look, stay right here.

592. Pull him.

593. What are you talking about?

594. He's fine. He's—

595. Coach, pull him.

596. We need him now.

597. Pull him.

598. - Jordan, come on out.

599. - They're pulling me!

600. They're pulling me!

601. You're pullin' him?

602. Be strong, son.

603. You're a trip.

604. Torpedo! Torpedo!

605. Mr. Mac, I understand

606. your reasons

607. for pulling the boy,

608. but if we hold them here,

609. Damien Elementary

610. goes to the championship.

611. Father,

612. I know what you're saying.

613. But I can't afford Jordan

614. to get hurt. I can't.

615. My hands are tied.

616. Mr. Mac,

617. Pontius Pilate suffered

618. a similar dilemma—

619. Tor-pe-do!

620. when the mob cried out,

621. "Crucify him, crucify him."

622. Had he not given

623. the people

624. what they wanted,

625. we wouldn't have

626. a flippin' religion.

627. Take his example,

628. Mr. Mac.

629. Give the people

630. what they want.

631. What's it going to be,

632. Mr. Mac?

633. I don't know, Father.

634. I can't believe

635. you're even

636. considering this.

637. What about

638. the boy's health?

639. But it's

640. the championship game.

641. It is elementary school.

642. This is Damien.

643. Tor-pe-do! Tor-pe-do!

644. Tor-pe-do! Tor-pe-do!

645. I don't know.

646. I don't know.

647. I don't know what to do.

648. I mean, I want 'em

649. to win the game,

650. but it would kill me

651. if the boy got hurt.

652. Tor-pe-do! Tor-pe-do!

653. But this's not about me.

654. Tor-pe-do! Tor-pe-do!

655. Put him in.

656. Load the Torpedo!

657. All right, all right,

658. Jordan, come on in.

659. Come on, come on, come on.

660. Out, John, out, out.

661. All right,

662. all right guys. Listen.

663. They get

664. this extra point,

665. they tie the score

666. and force us

667. into overtime.

668. Our only hope

669. is to block the kick.

670. Torpedo,

671. I'm counting on you!

672. Ready!

673. Break!

674. Let's go! Let's go!

675. Let's go!

676. Down, set.

677. Hut!

678. I've got it

679. Oh, my Lord.

680. C-Come on, baby.

681. I got him. Get back.

682. I'll go get him.

683. Jordan? Son, son,

684. you all right?

685. - My pebbles.

686. - Your pebbles?

687. Nut shot, right pocket.

688. Even though it didn't

689. happen to me,

690. I can still feel it.

691. Guys, you know

692. what I'm talking about.

693. Just thinking about it

694. makes you cringe.

695. And women,

696. don't give me that,

697. "You don't know what pain is.

698. We give birth."

699. Hmph! You go get hit

700. in your pebbles and you come

701. back and talk to Bernie Mac.

702. I gotta go walk it off.

703. Excuse me.

704. Come on, son.

705. Get up here. Get up.

706. Torpedo!

707. Hey, man.

708. What ya watching?

709. Scooby-Doo.

710. Yeah?

711. Look at old Scrappy-Doo

712. out there.

713. I like that little dog.

714. Jordan, let me just

715. cut this off

716. one minute, all right?

717. Son, I got some bad news

718. to tell you.

719. Damien lost

720. the championship game today.

721. Don't feel bad, son.

722. They would have won

723. if you were there.

724. So you ought to feel honored.

725. That's how important

726. the Torpedo is to the team.

727. Now, I'm never gonna

728. get my trophy.

729. Yes, you are.

730. What? That stupid

731. team trophy?

732. Doesn't even count,

733. you said.

734. You said it doesn't even

735. sound worthy

736. of the Mac Hall of Fame.

737. Don't pay no attention

738. to what I be sayin'.

739. You know I'm not well.

740. I say stupid things

741. all the time

742. that hurt people.

743. And, besides,

744. it's not even

745. about the team trophy.

746. It's a special award

747. from your teammates.

748. Jordan,

749. congratulations.

750. I'm really proud of you.

751. You know your line?

752. No, I thought

753. it was yours first.

754. Yeah, well, do—

755. Damn.

756. I thought he was gonna

757. mention the trophy.

758. Damn, man,

759. I messed the line up.

760. Uh, did I step on the line

761. when I first came out too?

762. Damn.

763. That's nice.

764. Man, that's real nice.

765. Somebody'll bust

766. your head, man.

767. How long do you want me

768. to stay there on that—